Alan’s Adventures, Media, SFA, Uncategorized

Spare A Thought For Alan

Good Evening.

Regular readers will remember my good pal Alan. He is a committed seeker of truth and justice in Scottish football, and as such he is completely invisible to the Scottish sports media and many others.

The Invisible Man

He’s had a tough time today.

He got up this morning and hoped to read about the truth of goings-on behind the scenes at Sevco. He went to the local newsagent and asked for the paper which best-included this coverage. The shopkeeper went into a thousand-yard stare as if Alan wasn’t there.

Alan left empty-handed and headed towards the Celtic AGM. En route he tried to browse the sports news on his luminous green smartphone (he’ll do anything to be seen…). He typed ‘STV News UEFA new club/ company letter’ into Google and got the error message ‘user not found’.

The then passed the time on the bus by reading about Sevco’s exciting and expensive January transfer plans, before arriving at the Celtic AGM. He got up and tried to ask a question about when the Celtic board might actually make a substantive public comment about the work of the Resolution 12 requisitioners.

Alan thought it was encouraging that the club was about to meet the requisitioners, and had fleetingly mentioned ‘a serious governance issue’ at the AGM. However, he wanted to know why he was now attending a fourth shareholder meeting where you would struggle to get the impression that the board are taking the Resolution seriously.

He went up to the microphone, started speaking and then knocked over a glass of water.

“Poltergeist!” screamed a board member. The room was evacuated and Alan’s big moment was gone.

After leaving the meeting, Alan received a text from yours truly informing him that ‘The Offshore Game’ had published another report about the SFA. “That’s it” Alan said to himself “I’m going to make sure the spineless media actually read and report it this time”.

And so poor Alan spent a fruitless afternoon haranguing members of the press. Who completely blanked him. He had no problem getting past security as the culture of ignoring folk who want answers about the governance of our national sport is so deeply ingrained in these organisations. He even printed out copies of the report and arranged them across the floor of one newsroom so that they spelled out the words “FFS! Grow a pair!”.

Alan noticed that in every media outlet he visited all the floors were numbered ‘5’, which made for a confusing time in the lifts! “It was as though no matter where I went, I was always on Level 5” Alan later said to me…

He even tried hanging around a few car parks in the hope of getting the attention of the industry’s finest super hero. But to no avail.

And then, just as he was about to completely despair, he saw this:

Alan’s heart was lifted! A proper journalist recognising that there might be something in the sort of issues raised by ‘The Offshore Game’. I’ve just heard from Alan and he said he’s had a nice face-to-face chat with Alex, who complimented him on his smart attire, stylish glasses and inquiring mind.

Alan says it’s wonderful to have your existence acknowledged by someone who helps to make the news…


Clumpany Matters, Uncategorized

A Parody Of Myself

Good Evening.

The thing with parodies is that they are difficult to pull off. You have to capture something of the essence of the thing you are parodying and then give it an amusing or otherwise-entertaining twist.

A failure to overcome this difficulty is one of many reasons why the Clumpany Blog and the late Clumpany Twitter account are so unrelentingly dreadful in the eyes of its audience. [NB I laugh like a drain at my own work. But let’s face it, somebody has to!]

It surprises me that no one has managed to do something that could be recognised as an actual parody of The Clumpany. Not because I think I ‘deserve’ one, but because I may get People’s backs up by poking fun at their folly, which might then make me liable to a response. And let’s be honest, there is a certain style (but absolutely nothing stylish) about The Clumpany’s offerings which make them ripe for parody.

I suppose the potential purveyor of parody could simply reproduce my profile picture and make observations about me being an obsessed accomplice of Phil Mac Giolla Bhain, who constantly believes that Sevco is going to die like Rangers any second now. But no one would go down that unoriginal route – which would be like so much other tedious online hostility – would they?

No, of course not.

Personally, if was to write a parody of a Clumpany blog, it might go something like the below… 

A Sevcotastic Sevco Day At Clumpany Towers!


Ooh look at me drinking my crazy Buckie and Bleach cocktail and making light of the alcoholism which caused me to lose my house and family!

Anyway I digress….

Good Evening!

It has come to my attention that someone has said something about Rangers* in a newspaper. In the sports pages and in an article written by the so-called ‘Rangers’ correspondent. I haven’t seen the like since two hours ago when I wrote my last blog about how Rangers* aren’t Rangers, even though Rangers* actually being Rangers eats away at me every minute of every day.

So I thought I would rewrite the same blog for the millionth time, give it a title that even I know isn’t funny, put a lame picture at the top and then ask people to retweet it, in the hope of getting some attention.

And then I’ll post it again and again and hope no one notices how needy I am.

Ooh listen! Someone on the radio just said Rangers* are looking to add to their 54 titles! That’s another blog and a few dozen tweets in the bag! Phil, Matt and John James are going to love it! Especially if I slip in a joke about Chris Jack liking Rangers* and then HILARIOUSLY call a newspaper by a Comedy Name!

This is going to be brilliant!

But I better hurry up and write it. I need to get myself calm for when the social worker comes round. And I must remember not to talk about my flat as if it IS a tower block with a million rooms. Clumpany Towers isn’t real. 

Is it?

Is it?!

Still, maybe my social worker will join in with some chanting of ‘Sevco’ and ‘New Club’ before they go. That’ll be brilliant! It will be weeks until I see another person again so I really ought to make the most of it.

I hope they get the ‘new club’ joke when I offer them a Kit-Kat. I am sure they loved my ‘Charles Green/ cup of tea’ routine last time. Personally I don’t think it was as good as when I borrowed a chicken, called it ‘Rangers*’ and chased it around the room asking it to lay a ‘bad company egg’. It was hilarious!

Hopefully my social worker will go before tonight’s Rangers* match kicks off. I am hoping Mark Warburton will do something really crazy like give a team talk or shout instructions from the touchline so I can pretend he is doing something out of the ordinary and laugh at it.

And afterwards I might watch some old episodes of Crown Court. I’ll turn the sound down and do my own voiceover again. I think I will do MASH v SFA today. That has some great lines in it!

Maybe James Doleman could come round and live-tweet it! That would be amazing! And later on we could discuss crowdfunding strategies. Part of me wants to know how to crowdfund so I can attract more attention from Rangers* fans. But I mainly want to know how to crowdfund so I can raise enough cash to buy some friends.

Real-life human ones.

It can be lonely Clumping away in this flat.

#KeepOnClumping [I know that doesn’t mean anything, but I’m not capable of coming up with anything original]”


NB Potential parody-makers should note that a modicum of genuine effort and imagination was required to produce the above.

And it was still rubbish!

I am away for an actual Buckie and Bleach cocktail.

This blog was brought to you by “Not Taking Oneself Too Seriously Ltd”.


Other recent Clumpany offerings include:

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah!


Internal Squabbles


Media, Scottish Football, SPFL, Uncategorized

A Sudden Learning Curve

Good Afternoon (and please Vote ‘Clumpany’!).

It seems the recently-repaired Daily Record radar may be on the blink again.

It seems that Keith Jackson may have lost a bit of perspective on how

  • rumours swirl around football all the time; and
  • bookmakers interact with the lucrative football betting market.

Bookies doing their ‘bookie thing’, eh?

Whatever next? Newspapers running tenuous or baseless stories about players being ‘linked’ with other clubs? In order to help sell newspapers, and/ or keep onside with agents or clubs?

Chill Keith. You could yet get a column out of this McInnes ‘story’.

Oh look. You already have!

Good work Keith!




Sevco 1-3 Random Luck


Surely ‘Send the fans home disappointed well before the end of the game’?
Good Morning (and please vote ‘Clumpany’!)

Football managers are prone to say silly things after a defeat. And it is hard to blame them. Emotions can be running high, and if someone is shoving a microphone in your face demanding that you “say something”, then the chances are that the words which spill out won’t be your finest.

And so it was with The Warbmeister, whose awesome side crashed to an unthinkable 1-3 home defeat to a well-organised and clinical St Johnstone team in the League Cup last night.

To be fair to the press pack, they did manage to confront Warbs with his pre-match comments about there not being a gulf between teams in the top two tiers of the Scottish game.

As the Record reported:

Mark Warburton watches Rangers crash to St Johnstone but insists: We lacked luck.. there is no gulf in class

“WARBURTON said his side’s League Cup defeat to the Perth Saints was down to simple mistakes – not a gulf in class between his side and the Premiership side.

He said: ‘I don’t think see that (gulf in quality). We made mistakes tonight and we were punished – simple as that.

‘We’ve made mistakes before and we got away with it. We could have been three down at half-time as they missed a clear chance.’

‘But we had a lot of ball. A little bit more quality, a bit more random luck going our way, football is all about the random elements of the game. Those didn’t go our way'”.

You have to laugh. The Warbmeister (who was gracious towards Saints after the match) says there isn’t a gulf in class and then proceeds to provide an illustration of why there is a gulf in class!

St Johnstone were better organised and much more clinical than Sevco. As you would usually expect when seeing a Premiership team playing a lower league side.

It’s a familiar tale. Dundee United and Celtic have both turned Sevco over in cups by being better organised and more clinical than them. 

You could certainly see that Sevco are a better side than last season, and they have some very decent players with a nice touch on the ball. You could also see why they have ripped apart some Championship teams and are favourites for promotion.

But – on last night’s showing – there isn’t yet an awful lot of substance to them, and St Johnstone were good value for the win by simply playing like a reasonable Premiership side.

As for Warbo’s comments about what might have been if “a bit more random luck” had gone their way… That’s one of the more empty excuses in a manager’s playbook.

With a bit more ‘random luck’ The Clumpany would be the highly-remunerated Chief Taster of Buckfast Tonic Wine. 

But I am not that person.

On account of not having grafted hard enough to pass my Buckie exams (I am great at the practical tests and hopeless at the theory ones…).

You reap what you sow. And last night Sevco’s investment in players and deployment of tactics simply wasn’t a match for St Johnstone’s.

It’s that simple Mark.


NB if you have enjoyed The Clumpany’s output thus far, you might like to consider voting for it in the ‘New Blog’ category of the Football Blogging Awards. Votes can be cast by following the below link. Many thanks!

Do I look ‘Magic’ in this hat?


A Massive Aunty-Climax

Good Evening (and please Vote ‘Clumpany’)!

Well it doesn’t happen very often, but Dave King certainly picked a good game to miss tonight. 

The simple fact is that the home side couldn’t handle the step-up at Ibrox.

Yes folks it was utter HUMILIATION for BBC Scotland as they ended their exile from the Crumbledome and put in one of their most laughable displays in recent years as Sevco went down 3-1 to St Johnstone in the League Cup.

It was a good performance from the Perth side, who got their tactics right and showed a good deal of composure to go 3-0 up early in the second half against the hitherto all-conquering Warbmeister XI.

From that point on, St Johnstone had no reason to press forward. They lost some of their composure, but were rarely troubled to any great degree, and the tie was pretty much dead.

But oh how the BBC’s TV commentary team of Liam McLeod and Craig Patterson seemed to be yearning for a turnaround. When Tavernier got a very good goal back for Sevco, the crowd noise went up, and St Johnstone were pushed back for a spell.

And to hear the commentary, you would have thought that St Johnstone were utterly besieged, and hanging on for dear life. Every syllable was seemingly focused on how Sevco were ‘getting back into the game’.

I swear that if they could have stuck an extra-long leg out and tripped up St Johnstone players they would have done!

At got so bad that when another Sevco attack fizzled out late in the game, the prospect of a St Johnstone goal kick was described as if someone had died.  

As the tie went into ‘time added on’, almost all of the commentary was about what defeat meant for Sevco and the Warbolution. Indeed, it was only at the very end of the entire programme that Pat Nevin (of all people) managed to strike the correct note by saying that the night was actually all about a great St Johnstone performance.

Well done Pat!

Presumably if the BBC decides to cover any more League Cup games this season, the presenters and commentators will all be wearing black armbands and holding back the tears as they come to terms with Sevco’s absence?

But enough about the BBC. What about the Warbolution?

You know, that unstoppable juggernaut of footballing excellence that we have been hearing so much about…

A comprehensive defeat by Perth’s finest wasn’t in the script, and I look forward to the media rationalising it away over the coming days. No doubt Cups will be considered a total irrelevance compared to the task of getting into the Premiership.

At least until Sevco play in the Scottish Cup and they can all get carried away by the propspect of them winning it and getting into Europe next season. Somehow.

It would of course be extremely petty to look back and laugh at some of the things said by the media and Warbmeister prior to tonight’s game.

Especially as the mood was very upbeat.

But sometimes The Clumpany can’t help itself…

Here is some of what the BBC reported this morning

Mark Warburton: “People are saying it’s our first big test, I disagree with that. We’ve gone away to Hibs in a cup competition, we’ve gone to Alloa and Queen of the South on a different surface, St Mirren at home, all of these were so-called big tests for us.

“I understand why, it’s the first Premiership team we’ve faced. They’re a regular top six team, have European experience, and we’ll be very respectful.”

“We’re at home, I don’t think the gap between the Championship and the Premier League is quite as big as it is down south. I think it’ll be a good challenge and we’re very much looking forward to that fixture”

And the Evening Shark-Jump carried these words from His Warbiness:

Warburton: Rangers would be ‘faring very well’ in Premiership

“Warburton reckons his squad have already shown they are capable of competing at a higher level as they gear up to face Tommy Wright’s side.

He said: ‘We’d be sitting with a couple of more players as we’d need a bit more depth for that level.

‘I think we’d be faring very well. It’s all hypothetical but you watch us often enough and I think we are a good squad, technically sound, physically strong, we have good tactical awareness and a strong mental belief’.”

Oh dear Mark. It seems there is quite a gap between the Premiership and Championship sides after all…

Nae luck! As they didn’t say in Brentford.

And the Sevco captain may also be feeling a little disappointed this evening following his earlier comments:

Rangers captain Lee Wallace sets his sights on silverware this season ahead of Saints showdown

He said: “Winning cups was one of my main priorities when I first signed, albeit still in the top division back then.

“In my first press conference I mentioned the fact I was coming into a dressing room full of winners and I wanted to become one of them.”

“But I think the fans more importantly have suffered. They are used to winning and watching teams lift trophies.

“It’s not happened for a few years and we’re hungry to do that for the supporters. We want to give them that return. This season I just hope that can be the case.”

Well if it is to be the case, Lee, it will have to be in the Scottish or Perpetual Failure Cups. Because tonight you only managed to add another entry on the ‘Ally McCoist Cup Exits Memorial Board’.

It is easy to laugh at what unfolded at Ibrox tonight. No really… But most of the comedy doesn’t come from seeing The Warbmeister trip up. He always seems a very decent guy. 

No, the real hilarity comes from seeing parts of the MSM fall flat on its face. Again.

They simply cannot help themselves. For weeks now everything about the King Warbolution has been praised to high Heaven. The brand of football on offer has been treated as if the 1970 Brazil team had been resurrected, and comparisons have been made with the winning start made by Bill Struth when he took over at the other club to have played out of Ibrox.

Everything has been rosy, and you would have been forgiven for thinking that Sevco are not that far short of being a side that could compete at the top of the Premiership.

Tonight provided a reality check as the ‘rejuvenated’ Sevco finally came up against a very decent Premiership side and were found wanting by some distance.

Will anyone learn from this reality check?



NB if you have enjoyed The Clumpany’s output thus far, you might like to consider voting for it in the ‘New Blog’ category of the Football Blogging Awards. Votes can be cast by following the below link. Many thanks!



Moving On To Solids


Good Evening (and please Vote ‘Clumpany’)!

You can’t keep Richard Gough out of the Sevco spotlight for very long.

The man who apparently changed his name by deed poll to ‘Legendary 9-in-a-row captain Richard Gough’ popped up today in this Sevco statement:

Gough Is Global Ambassador

Which tells us that

“A firm favourite with supporters around the world, Richard – who is based in America – will represent Rangers in an official capacity going forward with a specific focus on increasing the club’s profile overseas.”

He will promote the club in a variety of ways in his role as Global Ambassador and can act as a conduit between the club and NARSA”.

For the avoidance of doubt, the Richard Gough in question is the one who famously stated the blindingly obvious in 2012:

“The club I gave blood, sweat and tears for is dead”.

“I’m still numb by the news 140 years of history has been wiped out in one fell swoop”.

It’s definitely not a different Richard Gough.

Given his role in fronting last season’s ‘season ticket trust fund’ with Dave King, The Clumpany briefly wondered whether Gough’s role as a ‘Global Ambassador’ would be to travel the world telling people not to buy season tickets.

But that would be a very cynical point of view to adopt.

And The Clumpany doesn’t do cycism…

Like so may announcements, today’s could well have been written by Sevco’s PR operation, with none of the quotes actually having been uttered by Comrade Gough-aw.

But that doesn’t make them any less funny.

You would have been wise to have your Sevco Cliche Bingo Cards to hand before reading the statement, as it contains some old favourites.

That reference to a “143-year old institution” never fails to amuse, betraying as it does a searing insecurity about the death of Rangers and the newness of its tribute act.

And then we get the ‘traditional’ Really Real Rangersness guff, which always fails to make the rest of the world fearful of the Dignity and Staunchness being put on display…

Fair play to Gough though, he does at least manage to say it in a different and rewarding way:

“At the helm we now have good, solid Rangers men with the club’s best interests at heart”.

I suppose that you can only applaud Sevco for finally doing what most 3 year-olds have long-since mastered: moving on to solids.

Hopefully for Sevco fans these solid chaps can put into effect Dave King’s plan to make their ‘club’ a solid number two in due course.

And preferably in the Premiership rather than the toilet.


NB if you have enjoyed The Clumpany’s output thus far, you might like to consider voting for it in the ‘New Blog’ category of the Football Blogging Awards. Votes can be cast by following the below link. Many thanks!



Vote ‘Clumpany’ in the Football Blogging Awards 2015!

Good Morning.

If you have enjoyed The Clumpany’s output, you can vote for it in the ‘Best New Blog’ category of the ‘Football Blogging Awards 2015’ by following this link!

Voting ends on 28 September.

When voting, I think it will be helpful if you include the blog’s URL:

And please help to spread the word by sharing this page on Facebook and Twitter using the below links!

As always, your support is very much appreciated!