Clumpany Matters, Uncategorized

A Parody Of Myself

Good Evening.

The thing with parodies is that they are difficult to pull off. You have to capture something of the essence of the thing you are parodying and then give it an amusing or otherwise-entertaining twist.

A failure to overcome this difficulty is one of many reasons why the Clumpany Blog and the late Clumpany Twitter account are so unrelentingly dreadful in the eyes of its audience. [NB I laugh like a drain at my own work. But let’s face it, somebody has to!]

It surprises me that no one has managed to do something that could be recognised as an actual parody of The Clumpany. Not because I think I ‘deserve’ one, but because I may get People’s backs up by poking fun at their folly, which might then make me liable to a response. And let’s be honest, there is a certain style (but absolutely nothing stylish) about The Clumpany’s offerings which make them ripe for parody.

I suppose the potential purveyor of parody could simply reproduce my profile picture and make observations about me being an obsessed accomplice of Phil Mac Giolla Bhain, who constantly believes that Sevco is going to die like Rangers any second now. But no one would go down that unoriginal route – which would be like so much other tedious online hostility – would they?

No, of course not.

Personally, if was to write a parody of a Clumpany blog, it might go something like the below… 

A Sevcotastic Sevco Day At Clumpany Towers!


Ooh look at me drinking my crazy Buckie and Bleach cocktail and making light of the alcoholism which caused me to lose my house and family!

Anyway I digress….

Good Evening!

It has come to my attention that someone has said something about Rangers* in a newspaper. In the sports pages and in an article written by the so-called ‘Rangers’ correspondent. I haven’t seen the like since two hours ago when I wrote my last blog about how Rangers* aren’t Rangers, even though Rangers* actually being Rangers eats away at me every minute of every day.

So I thought I would rewrite the same blog for the millionth time, give it a title that even I know isn’t funny, put a lame picture at the top and then ask people to retweet it, in the hope of getting some attention.

And then I’ll post it again and again and hope no one notices how needy I am.

Ooh listen! Someone on the radio just said Rangers* are looking to add to their 54 titles! That’s another blog and a few dozen tweets in the bag! Phil, Matt and John James are going to love it! Especially if I slip in a joke about Chris Jack liking Rangers* and then HILARIOUSLY call a newspaper by a Comedy Name!

This is going to be brilliant!

But I better hurry up and write it. I need to get myself calm for when the social worker comes round. And I must remember not to talk about my flat as if it IS a tower block with a million rooms. Clumpany Towers isn’t real. 

Is it?

Is it?!

Still, maybe my social worker will join in with some chanting of ‘Sevco’ and ‘New Club’ before they go. That’ll be brilliant! It will be weeks until I see another person again so I really ought to make the most of it.

I hope they get the ‘new club’ joke when I offer them a Kit-Kat. I am sure they loved my ‘Charles Green/ cup of tea’ routine last time. Personally I don’t think it was as good as when I borrowed a chicken, called it ‘Rangers*’ and chased it around the room asking it to lay a ‘bad company egg’. It was hilarious!

Hopefully my social worker will go before tonight’s Rangers* match kicks off. I am hoping Mark Warburton will do something really crazy like give a team talk or shout instructions from the touchline so I can pretend he is doing something out of the ordinary and laugh at it.

And afterwards I might watch some old episodes of Crown Court. I’ll turn the sound down and do my own voiceover again. I think I will do MASH v SFA today. That has some great lines in it!

Maybe James Doleman could come round and live-tweet it! That would be amazing! And later on we could discuss crowdfunding strategies. Part of me wants to know how to crowdfund so I can attract more attention from Rangers* fans. But I mainly want to know how to crowdfund so I can raise enough cash to buy some friends.

Real-life human ones.

It can be lonely Clumping away in this flat.

#KeepOnClumping [I know that doesn’t mean anything, but I’m not capable of coming up with anything original]”


NB Potential parody-makers should note that a modicum of genuine effort and imagination was required to produce the above.

And it was still rubbish!

I am away for an actual Buckie and Bleach cocktail.

This blog was brought to you by “Not Taking Oneself Too Seriously Ltd”.


Other recent Clumpany offerings include:

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah!


Internal Squabbles