Media, Scottish Football

Impressive Words

“I’ve got some more words here!”

Good Afternoon. 

It seems that The Warbmeister’s talents extend way beyond merely being a former City trader and the most talented football manager in the Galaxy, Twix or Double Decker (which you can buy for 70p, or watch online for 99p).

He’s also got good words. Impressive words in fact. Absolutely top-drawer, stellar, amazing, brilliant, life-changing, epoch-defining words.

Godlike, awe-inspiring, earth-shattering, mind-blowing, world-rocking words.

Super, great, smashing, Jim Bowen-saluting words.

Words so good that the leaders of all the world’s religion are prepared to bow down and worship them.

Words so astounding that it seems as though Warbo is giving the whole world the most inspiring team-talk ever declaimed.

Words that leave dictionaries and thesauruses weeping with joy and wanting to go on a diet.

If Donald Trump were to claim that he has the best words, Warbo could quite easily step forward and say “No Mr President-Elect, I think you will find that I have the best words”. And Trump would have no choice but to show unprecedented humility and bow down before Warbo’s superior war chest of wordiness.

Long and short, hyphenated and abbreviated, no one can touch Warbo’s words, wonderful as they are with their world-leading qualities.

If you want an adverb, Warbo is -respectfully – your man.

If you seek a gerund (and let’s face it, a number of teams would still like to sign Steven even though he has retired having long-since passed his Liverpool best) why not ask Warbo, who is always up for some whining?

Nouns are no big thing for Warbo. In fact they are all kinds of things.

And as for verbs, Warbo can easily give you the contact details of his parsleymonious chairman.

Mark Warburton IS the man, chap, fellow, bloke and guy when it comes to words.

And if you don’t believe me, ask Tom English.



Celtic, Champions League, Media, Scottish Football

Why Brendan Rodgers Wants To Leave Celtic

“F*ck it. I’m off…”

Good Afternoon.

Well done to Celtic – all the players, management, backroom staff and board members – on a more-than-creditable performance in the Champions League this season.

Qualifying was a huge leap forward after the disappointments of recent seasons, and following the opening day drubbing by Barcelona the progress on the pitch has been clear for all to see.

Of course, Celtic didn’t win any games, but three draws in such a tough group is commendable stuff, and with a little bit more composure when goalscoring opportunities came, the Hoops might have ended up with more than three points.

But they didn’t, and European football is over for another year, leaving us with some great memories particularly the pulsating game at Celtic Park against Manchester City which was football at its most thrilling.

There can be no question that Celtic’s campaign was a huge GIRUY to one of the most ludicrous articles I have ever read in the Scottish sports press. Which makes it doubly pleasing!

Let’s Not Bother With The Champions League

Hopefully the experience and money generated can help the team to kick on next season should it win the domestic league and earn another opportunity to try and negotiate the banana skin-littered qualifiers.

Sadly however, I fear that Celtic might have to play those qualifiers without Brendan Rodgers. Because, despite what he said in a press conference a few days ago, it seems as though he is actually pining for a return to the English Premier League.

Here are a few quotes from the Celtic manager to ponder:

“I don’t see it [Celtic] as a stepping stone. I’m going to be coaching hopefully for another 20 odd years, and it is highly unlikely I’m going to be at Celtic for 20 years because of how the modern game works, but my intention is to be at Celtic for as long as I possibly can, to help the club grow and develop, and to take it as far as I possibly can.”

“I grew up supporting the club and I’m very fortunate. For me, I’m living the dream, being the manager of Celtic.”

“The most important thing for me is happiness – if I’m happy, I’m winning. And I don’t necessarily need to be working in the Premier League to be winning. We’ll see where the next 20 years take me, but at this very moment in time and certainly for the immediate future I’m very, very happy.”

That seems pretty clear to me. But apparently – deep down – he actually wants to leave:

“Longing”, eh?

When challenged about this quote, Tom English (to whom far play for responding) had the following to say:

Well that’s me convinced Tom! 😉

Perhaps you can bring us some more evidence to strengthen your already compelling case? For example:

“The way Rodgers straightened his tie was a sure sign that he is nervous. He must be about to meet Dermot Desmond to tell him of his plans to leave”.

“You don’t sip water the way Brendan Rodgers does if you are staying at Celtic for the long haul”.

“Brendan Rodgers said Scott Brown could play in the Premier League. And he’s clearly going to take him there himself”.

“Peter Lawwell spoke of how Celtic could possibly be the biggest club in Britain if they played in England. He clearly knows that Rodgers is off there”.

“Have you seen the Celtic Christmas advert? Packed full of subliminal messages about Rodgers wanting to walk away. That bit where the door is shut in his face? A sure sign that he’s going”.

“Rodgers hasn’t signed a lifetime contract with Celtic. Clear proof he only wants to be there for the short term”.

“Brendan Rodgers has bought Patrick Roberts a massive suitcase as a bonus for scoring against Manchester City. It’s big enough to fit a person inside. Mark my words, Rodgers will be hiding in it when Roberts goes back down south”.

“Rodgers has a subscription to a TV channel which shows the English Premier League. How much more evidence do you need of his ‘wantaway’ hell?”.

Enjoy Brendan’s Celtic reign while it lasts everybody. The clock is apparently ticking…


Media, Scottish Football

God Bless ‘Crazy’ Wee Hearts And Their Zany Ways

Good Afternoon.

When reading some of the punditry surrounding Hearts’ appointment of Ian Cathro as their new Head Coach, The Clumpany has been reminded of a parent talking to a small child who has brought home a painting from nursery. 

The parents think it is a horrible mess still dripping with paint, snot and nappy leakage. And try as they might, they can’t simply say “That’s lovely. Well done”, put it on the wall and let the world carry on. Instead, a note of condescension creeps into their voices and they exchange knowing looks with each other.

“Oh isn’t that fantastic!”

“Did you think of that design all by yourself?”

“Without any help from the big children?”


“Such imaginative use of colours!”

“And so modern in style!”

“You’ll have a REALLY bright future with talent like that!”

“We award you a gold star for your work!”

“Would you like some fish fingers for dinner?”

Assuming they give the first flying f*ck (and I hope they don’t), Hearts and Cathro could be forgiven for feeling throughly patronised by much of the Scottish commentariat in recent days. 

Although hopefully they have had a great laugh at Kris Void’s mean-spirited wibblery.

Dragging Football Out Of The Stone Age

Words like bold, imaginative, fascinating, cerebral, innovative and experimental are being bandied about in a way that suggests a number of them think Hearts are actually completely insane for not appointing a ‘usual suspect’/ dinosaur as their manager.

Oh yes, and the word ‘hipster’ has been used as well.

Yes, ‘hipster’.

I’ve no idea what the above Tweet meant either, but I am glad Keith took the trouble to turn on Twitter last night to post it.

I can imagine that the Scottish hipster labs – where hipster experiments are conducted – are a sight to behold! Lots of trendy beards growing in glass cabinets, and artisan food for sale in the canteen (deep fried of course in an achingly ironic nod to ‘local culture’).

As is always the case, Cathro will ultimately have to do his talking via the team’s performances on the pitch. However, you get the distinct impression that some commentators will be absolutely delighted to see him fall flat on his face. And preferably on top of his laptop.

I wish him well, and if he manages to make the Condescension Crew eat their sneering words by dragging Scottish football a little further into the Twenty-First Century, he will have done the game as a whole a big favour.



Media, Satire, Scottish Football

A Forensic Examination

Businessman Analyzing Document

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany absolutely loved this piece from the Evening Shark-Jump this morning:

Rangers* are the only ones who can halt Celtic’s silverware procession in the coming years

It contains words and sentences but no detailed consideration.

It asserts that Sevco are the only side which might ultimately dislodge Celtic from the top of Scottish football. However, other than mentioning the ‘laying of foundations’ and player recruitment, it says nothing substantive about how this toppling could be achieved, and the hurdles which might have to be overcome. Most notably, it fails to dwell upon the dire state of the Sevco finances, which depend upon director loans and which were the subject of a ‘going concern’ warning in the most recent set of accounts.

The piece basically amounts to a cry of “Rangers* can overtake Celtic, because… well just BECAUSE!”. Other than the publishers of the paper – who get to fill some column inches – you have to wonder quite who this piece ultimately helps or informs.

If this is the level of precision on display in the Scottish sports press, I can imagine a hypothetical job interview for a role there might go something like this…

Q: “Why did you want to become a journalist?”

A: Because.”


Q: “What attracted you to this role?”

A: “I just was.”


Q: “What skills can you bring to the role?”

A: “Enough.”


Q: “Specifically?”

A: “Oh you know. Abilities and stuff.”



Q: “What sort of articles do you particularly enjoy writing?”

A: “Ones with words in them.”


Q: “Do you have any examples of your previous work that you can share with us?”

A: “Yes. And they are brilliant.”


Q: “Can we see them?”

A: “No.”


Q: “Why not?”

A: “Because we all need to move on.”


Q: “Can you tell me about how you build up a network of good quality sources?”

A: “Well I buy my ketchup from Sainsbury’s, my HP from Tesco, and horseradish from the corner shop.”


Q: “That’s not what I meant…”

A: “But that’s what I gave you. Sauces.”


Q: “Can you tell us about any investigations you have been involved in?”

A: “Funny you should ask that. I had a man in last week investigating a scratching sound in the attic. It turned out that I had a squirrel infestation.”


Q: “Squirrels?! Now we are getting somewhere! Can you also tell us about any interviews you have been involved in?”

A: “Well there’s this one with you, and I have to say that I am delighted to be here…”


Q: “Any famous people you have questioned?”

A: “I once tripped over that green bird Orville in a pub. He was sitting on the floor. I asked him why he didn’t get out of the way. He just started into space and didn’t say a word. He was quite rude actually.”


Q: “Let’s finish with some wider questions about the media. What challenges do you think the print news industry faces at the present time?”

A: “Challenging ones.”


Q: “Any particular challenges that you would like to mention?”

A: “No, I’m fine thanks.”


Q: “How should traditional news outlets adapt to the changing media landscape?”

A: “I think they are OK as they are to be honest. Newspapers are heading back to the top!”


Q: “Are you sure about that? What evidence do you have?”

A: “I just know. It’s their destiny. The papers are coming!”


Q: “In what way?”

A: “Because Scottish online and social media needs a strong print sector.”


Q: “Why do you think that?”

A: “It just does.”


Q: “Do you think the owners of online news sites and the so-called ‘Internet Bampots’ would agree with you?”

A: “They are just obsessed. You can smell their fear. They should never forget that We Are The Papers!”


Q: “That’s excellent. I don’t think we need to go any further with this interview. Can you start on Monday?”

A: “I can! I’ll be here first thing with my water skis.”


Media, Scottish Football

Dragging Football Out Of The Stone Age

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is beginning to wonder whether Kris Void’s column (in a ‘newspaper’ that I won’t name) is actually an elaborate stunt organised by Derek Johnstone.

Because Void’s column is so bad, so vacuous, so incoherent, so unconvincingly ‘controversial’ and so poorly ‘written’ that its only possible contribution to football punditry would be for DJ to mention it if the top brass at the Evening Shark-Jump and Clyde SSB are ever tempted to ditch the Rangers ‘legend’.

You can imagine the conversion:

Chief Shark-Jumper: “I’m sorry Derek, we need to let you go. Your punditry is from a different age, and… well… sh*te”.

DJ: “Aye, but I’m miles better than Kris Boyd. How can you fire me when he’s still employed by a newspaper?”.

Chief Shark-Jumper: “Good point DJ. Here’s a five-year extension to your contract”.

Whatever the case, Void’s frothing about Hearts possibly recruiting Ian Cathro – who was once ‘linked’ to the Sevco manager’s job – is a bona fide torrent of pish.

Just like a previous column of his which I politely dissected:

Kris Void Goes Limbo Dancing

I’ll leave you to find his latest column yourself, but Void’s chief complaints seem to be that Cathro 

  • was ‘quiet’ on the coaching course they both attended (perhaps he was simply straining to hear the instructors’ wisdom over the sound of Monster Munch being devoured?😉)
  • is young
  • likes ‘modern methods’
  • uses a laptop
  • doesn’t have a track record as a senior-level player; and 
  • may not have actually done that much as part of the Newcastle coaching staff (although Void doesn’t actually seem to know…).

In summary, it seems that Void simply doesn’t like the cut of Cathro’s jib (so perhaps Void IS a DJ media plant after all… 😉).

Cathro could be a really interesting appointment. 

It will be fascinating to see two such up-and-coming ‘modern’ managers as Cathro and Warbo sparring over who has the best ‘up-and-comingness’, and over who is so modern that they actually manage two months in the future. 

It is just a shame that hot prospect Ally McCoist isn’t still managing in Scottish football otherwise we could be about to witness the greatest test of managerial prospects since Sam Allardyce was given a multi-million pound contract to manage England for one game.

Oh well.

But away from the potential ‘battle of the managers’, I can hopefully look forward to Kris Void’s column expressing incredulity over the modern innovative methods that Cathro might bring to Hearts. Future bewildered columns could include:

  • “‘Jet In?’ That’s unlike any bird I have ever seen. Where are its feathers?” asks Kris Boyd as Cathro arrives at airport.
  • Kris Boyd: Cathro’s ‘not using square wheels on his car’ futuristic arrogance will be his downfall.
  • “It must be artificial! Why is it cut with a machine rather than a scythe?” asks Kris Boyd of Cathro’s Tynecastle pitch.
  • “How did he make fire? It must be witchcraft!” cries Boyd as Cathro is rumoured to have burned garden waste at new Edinburgh home.

I can hardly wait!


Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Warbo Roasts His Critics Alive

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has seen an early draft of an article likely to appear in one of tomorrow’s papers. In it, The Warbmeister attempts to demonstrate that he and his team are not overly-sensitive to criticism…


Warbo In “There’s Yer Dinner” Blast To His Critics

There were absolute scenes in the Warburton household at lunchtime yesterday, as the Rangers* manager savoured his Sunday roast. Obviously it wasn’t the sort of World Class meal he usually enjoys for breakfast at No-Longer-Murray Park. However, it had its own truly outstanding qualities on account of Warbo having made it himself.

Yes that’s right! As well as being a managerial genius and the man who put the ‘former’ into the phrase ‘former City trader’, it turns out that Mr Moan-a-thon can also serve up a spectacular Sunday lunch. And he feels that he has now proved a point to commentators who have previously criticised the patchy form of his home-cooked meals.

“I was more than irked by comments made about my roast” said Warburton, who was rumoured (for the purposes of adding a bit of edge to a lame article) to be taking a pop at former Celtic stars John Hartson and Chris Sutton. Both of whom have recently started wearing chefs’ hats and giving Warbo the V-sign off camera.

“It was the comments questioning the battling qualities of my potato-peeling and my desire for silky-smooth gravy, that got to me. Irked is a polite way of putting it.”

Licking the last of his hearty meal from the plate, a food-covered Warburton spoke of his pride in a well-cooked dinner.

“But I responded really well. Those sprouts answered so many questions that they could win Mastermind. A lot of nonsense has been written about my carrots. Those are top-drawer, technically-gifted carrots grown in allotments in places that no one has ever heard of, and which I got for free. They know the system I am trying to adopt, and showed great positioning on the plate. 

And the peas! They deserve the highest praise for their movement and ability to link up with a fork. It’s a beautiful thing to see”.

When asked to name the specific criticisms that had annoyed him, Warbo focused on accusations of adopting an inflexible approach:

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by the disrespectful comments I have heard about my performance in the kitchen. 

Plan A is to cook everything in the oven at Gas Mark 9. People say I should be flexible in my approach, and have a Plan B. Well I do have a Plan B. It’s to do Plan A better. If my roast lamb gets a bit overcooked, I simply put it back in the oven at Gas Mark 9 again, having reminded it that I am cooking on a big stage. This is Mark Warburton’s kitchen and I have the highest of standards”.

The interview was then terminated as the fire brigade entered the smoke-filled kitchen and forcibly evacuated everyone.



Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

The ‘Top Secret’ Secret Project


Good Evening.

The Clumpany is working on a Secret Project. So secret in fact, that even I don’t know what it is.  But it is an amazing ‘secret’ Secret Project with

  • bells
  • whistles
  • an underground bunker (a secret one of course, which is not shown on maps)
  • top scientists, who have all signed non-disclosure agreements
  • a media blackout (I code-named the Secret Project “Operation Offshore Game Report” and all questions immediately stopped)
  • strange lights in the sky
  • unexplained howling from nearby woodland; and
  • Men In Black paying a visit to anyone who leaves the project, or who otherwise “sees too much”.

Now, you might think that this sounds like made-up nonsense to get people interested and excited.

You might want to see the evidence for the project and its associated feverish ‘behind-closed-doors’ activity.

But I am afraid that you will just have to take my word for it. This is ‘Top Secret’ secret stuff, and I can only ask you to believe in The Clumpany. And to be excited about the future. Because the secret Secret Project will make everything bright and shiny. You are all going to be so excited and happy because of the secret Secret Project.

A big announcement will be made when the project comes to fruition, and you will all gasp in wonder.

You will certainly appreciate the earlier need for secrecy.

I can’t tell you when the announcement will be made, because that is a ‘Secret Project’ secret too. You just need to trust me on this.

And keep any rumours you hear a complete secret.

No one likes idle speculation. Especially about Secret Projects.

Are we all clear about this?


And remember…

Shhhhh…. It’s a secret.

Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news:

Mark Warburton is a chasing a European goalscoring midfielder to replace crocked Croatian star Niko Kranjcar for the remainder of the season.

The Rangers* boss is hoping to lure the experienced target on loan during the January transfer window but won’t name him for fear of losing him to other clubs.

Ahad of tomorrow’s clash with Aberdeen , he said: “We’re looking at an overseas midfield option for January. I hope we can get a dynamic, goalscoring midfielder.

“I can’t tell you who he is but what I can tell you is there are three or four other clubs in for the same player.

“He has an outstanding pedigree and we are trying to get hold of him. He is an overseas player, playing at a very high level. We hope we can get him.

“We have tried a few and they have fallen through for various reasons.

“It would be a loan deal. If it comes down to the money, we won’t get this player, so therefore we have to offer something different.”