Media, Satire, Sevco

No Player Misunderstandings At Sevco

Good Evening.

For what it’s worth, this is the 1,000th Clumpany blog. This link will take you to number 1

The following won’t appear in any attempted newspaper near you anytime soon😉


The Sheyi Ojo-Ryan Kent Rangers* mystical connect that Liverpool loanee reckons can tear-up Premiership like an old fashioned telephone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show

Ojo is delighted to have his old Anfield mate alongside him at Ibrox, and hopes that their almost magical link can spur them on to top flight glory, although he still wonders where Harry and Matthew Corbett are these days.

By Scoff. Asmuchasyou-Like

Sheyi Ojo believes there’s a telepathy between him and Ryan Kent on the pitch. Or maybe some other word that the Scottish football media wants to deploy to unwitting comic effect.

And the Rangerswinger has said stuff that gives us a veneer of an excuse to assert that he KNEW (in capital letters, such was his asserted certainty) that his pal would end up back at Ibrox.

Even though others had written off a permanent move. The b*stards!

Now the Liverpool kids – who have played together in the Anfield youth team [Gasp! Shouldn’t this be front age news? – Ed] for the last five years – want to hit it off again for Steven Gerrard’s side. Preferably in his football team, but if it has to be his actual side, or his other side, or his front or back, they aren’t too choosy. They just want to hit it off. Whatever that means.

Kent finally arrived on a £7million* deal just before the transfer window closed – and no one is happier than his mate. Apart perhaps from Rangers* PR operation, which got a few squirrel-tastic headlines at an awkward moment.

Ojo is just on loan at Ibrox just like his pals the Close Brothers, but he can’t wait to team up with Kent and strike fear into Premiership defences. [Yes we did say ‘fear’. It’s our attempted newspaper and we will say what we like.]

Kent was injured yesterday in his comeback game against Livingston but Ojo hopes he’s back soon and is convinced their almost spiritual connection on the pitch can yield plenty of goals and assists. Or at least fuel the fantasies of People who will believe in any old crap.

The 22-year-old said: “Ryan was here last season, and everyone knows him. No matter how hard they may have tried to forget or have wondered whether he’s really the best Rangers* could do if they really wanted to spend even more money when they are already running up big losses.

“But I’ve seen a whiteboard showing him slotting right back into the squad. So it’s apparently great for us.

“Can we rip it up together like a phone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show like we did at Liverpool? That’s the aim.

“Harry and Matthew Corbett may sadly be long gone, but if it’s ‘glove puppet having a go at a thick book that even the lads on The World’s Strongest Man would have struggled with’ that you are looking for, I’ve played with Ryan since I was 16 so I feel pretty confident that he can deliver

“Ryan can only help our team and hopefully can help me score more for Rangers*. And if that doesn’t work out, Sweep has told me he’s prepared to squeak like a b*stard wearing a Rangers* scarf and squirrel outfit to gloss over things.

“I sort of knew the Kent move could happen. But there was stuff going on with Liverpool so I couldn’t say too much. You know, ‘stuff’. That thing which allows me to make a sound in the vague form of the English language and which allows you to appear knowledgable without any of us deploying any actual knowledge.


“It’s a real plus that he’s back here. People have been phoning me over the past few days to say that their calculator plus buttons have spontaneously pressed themselves down. It’s a sign. And not a negative one. Because that would mean the minus sign spontaneously being pressed down. And that hasn’t happened.

“Even this week in training, with him on the left and me on the right, whenever he’s on the ball I know what he’s going to do – and vice versa. I put it down to the entrails we both had read a few years ago.

“Back in 2012 we went to a fairground and the Fortune Teller said she had the entrails of dead Rangers in a box and could tell our futures from it. She said we would both be professional footballers and linked by a common bond of cliches and empty platitudes on an epic scale. She said that a mystic Traynor would show us the way when the time was right.

“So we both have a similar mindset. We want to spout upbeat cliches, get on the ball and go forward.

“That’s what the manager wants us to do, to create cliches, chances and score goals.

“Whether it’s me on the ball or Ryan, we have the same objectives to utter cliches, fill Rangers*-themed column inches and airtime, and affect the game.

“The better players you play with, the easier it should be to score or assist.

“Whenever Ryan is on the ball, I’ll adjust and make movements in behind him. Hopefully that will help us.

“Listen to what I have just said! Seriously! How uncanny was the Fortune Teller’s prediction about cliches and empty platitudes? It’s like a force on a higher Level has taken over my mind and is speaking for me!

“Wide players have to score more goals, look at Sadio Mane and Mo Salah at Liverpool. I mean look at them. Their very names have allowed me to shoehorn quality, high profile footballers into our conversation, and have also allowed you to quote me on it. Isn’t that absolutely brilliant for us? And for the cause of baseless upbeat Rangers* cliches?

“I’m still on loan from Liverpool but I hear the loans from Close Brothers are already making a very valuable contribution. So for me to get into the Rangers* team I need to be generating the sort of interest that they are. Goals and assists are one thing, but I am fully aware that APR counts for a lot at this club*.

“I need to be as direct as I can, and influence games up here. But apparently I am not allowed to wear an all black kit as apparently ‘there are already enough helpful influencers wearing that while they officiate the games’.

“So it seems you can only be direct and influence games with great players around you and Ryan coming in will only help with that. In the absence of actual great players.”

Ojo is desperate for Gers to hit top form again, especially after their Old Firm defeat prior to the international break, despite much of this sentence defying all logic after Rangers’ humiliating liquidation in 2012.

The 2-0 defeat at Ibrox didn’t exactly back up his claim in pre-season that Gerrard’s men were the best in Scotland.

But Ojo, in an excuse-offering gambit which fools no one, has revealed that he played with an injury during the derby after coming on as a sub.

He said: “There was such a negative feeling after that game. The sort of negativity that can only come from being found out as utterly shite despite the evidence-free pre-match hype.

“But having the international break was a blessing. Not least because after a pumping by Celtic anything that doesn’t involve a further pumping by Celtic is to be welcomed.

“The players had played so many games, so it was nice to refresh our minds and get back into playing our style of play. This week in training we’ve focused on that. It’s so much easier when you don’t have treble Treble winners refusing to accommodate your style.

“My first Old Firm experience wasn’t the best. I saw it on TV in 2012, Rangers were humiliated and then they died soon after.

“And then I was basically injured while I was playing for Rangers* against Celtic recently so it wasn’t a positive day at all.

“You want to play in the big games and help the team but I didn’t manage to do that. Thankfully, it has cleared up now.

“I’ll certainly be more prepared for the next game at Celtic Park. I am determined to use the phrase ‘Old Firm’ without fully showing that I know that my self respect has been sacrificed. The stakes could not be higher.

“I’ve been told that if I can deny liquidation without any obvious shame I could get a permanent job in the Scottish sports media after I retire.





NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun, and Scottish football remains gloriously bonkers…

Gerrard, Media, Satire, Sevco

Pure Jim-agination

[*Blows off ethereal cobwebs. Bangs ethereal phone on ethereal table*]

Bloody hell. This app still works.

Good Evening.

How about a little song to celebrate Sevco’s world-beating success during the international break?


Pure Jim-agination

Sevvies and the deluded.
Billy and Billie.
The Blue Room…
Stop your thoughts.
Drink the pish.
Count to 55.
Make believe
And you’ll be
In a world of pure Jim-agination
Take his word and you’ll see
Into your Jim-agination.
He’ll begin with sh*te spin
Ryan Kent’s the best in all creation
Yet his fee still defies explanation…
If you want to view epic sh*te
Simply read the Record, you will.
Any Shark you can Jump, do it.
Wanna mock their words?
There’s nothing to it.
There is no sh*te I know
To compare with pure Jim-agination.
Zombies there, they feel free
Hiding from… reality.
If you want to view epic sh*te
Simply read the Record, you will.
Any Shark you can Jump, do it.
Wanna mock their words?
There’s nothing to it.
There is no sh*te I know
To compare with pure Jim-agination.
Zombies there, they feel free
Hiding from… reality.
With apologies to songwriters Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse, here is the magnificent Gene Wilder’s version…


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Scottish Football

RIP Billy McNeill: Our Hero


Reposted on this very sad day. Farewell to a legend, hero and (most importantly) a fine and thoroughly decent man. Gone, but never to be forgotten. RIP Billy McNeill. Mr Celtic.

The Clumpany

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has not been in a position to try your patience with regular blogs in recent times.

And I wasn’t going to say anything in blog form about the unveiling of the Billy McNeill statue today, because far more articulate folk than me can better-express the significance of the occasion.

But then I saw the range and depth-of-feeling of the comments from all sorts of folk, and I concluded that I should say something. Because today’s unveiling really means something to the likes of me: an ordinary punter who loves Celtic and the game in which they play.

And if nothing else, the example of the Lions – a bunch of local lads who came together and were sparked to greatness (by a genius of a manager) – shows that even apparently-humble folk can be worthy of note.

So here is my little observation…

Doing justice to…

View original post 336 more words

Celtic, Satire

Long Live The King

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears tidings of a major disturbance in Leicester in recent days.

Archaeologists report that the late King of England Richard III – who was much maligned by Shakespeare and eventually found buried under a Leicester car park in 2012 before being reinterred in the local Cathedral – has been on the move again!

Apparently the Cathedral clergy were shocked to find his tomb disturbed, with the monument moved and his coffin broken open. They immediately called in the local archaeologists who were familiar with the remains of the last Plantagenet King.

Sadly, the experts were at a loss to explain what had happened. Their initial suspicion of grave robbing was quickly ruled out when they confirmed that the coffin had been broken open from the INSIDE in (possibly) some sort of ironic tribute to Rangers* ‘coming’ again.

However, thankfully the answer eventually came when new Leicester City manager Brendan Rodgers held court at a local arena and informed the public – including a number of those local archaeologists – that he’d been informed by his staff that “Richard III wants a word with you.”

Brendan Rodgers apparently awaited the knock on his office door, and when it came, he invited Richard III to sit down.

Knowing his place, the one-time sovereign King of England said how pleased he was to meet Brendan Rodgers.

Richard III didn’t fancy Celtic to beat both Hearts and Hibs away within the space of a few days without Brendan Rodgers at the helm…

“Ooft, I’m pleased to meet you too Richard.” Brendan said in reply. “What can I do for you?”

“Well I didn’t want to just lay here in regal repose.” said Richard III.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me here in Leicester” said Richard III.

And then the heroic, history-minded new Leicester manager replied “Listen Richard, as long as I’m here, you’re here”.

Whereupon the audience clapped at the magic of Brendan Rodgers…

Meanwhile… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun after a trying week…

Media, Satire, Sevco

An Update From The Keeper Of Squirrels

Good Evening.

The Clumpany finds itself able to bring you some truly shocking wildlife news.

A man famous for being the nation’s foremost Keeper of Squirrels has been spotted undertaking some squirrel-based activity.

I know, amazing isn’t it?

The gentleman in question has a dignified track record of nurturing squirrels and releasing them into the wild just as soon as they are able to spray the surrounding area in jet-powered, squirrel-based effluent.

And today he really hasn’t held back. Normally the squirrels are allowed to do squirrel-type things in their squirrel-like way, while the Keeper Of Squirrels sits back and expects the squirrel-spotters of the Scottish mainstream squirrel media to report squirrel tidings as if there is no squirrel tomorrow.

But tonight the Keeper Of Squirrels has stunned squirrel-spotters everywhere by releasing himself into the wild! Quite what the other squirrels make of this remains to be seen.

We can be pretty certain that the Scottish mainstream squirrel media will simply carry the usual sort of squirrel-based news tomorrow.

However, tonight, veteran observers of the Keeper Of Squirrels have already been heard to say “f*ck me, it’s an unusually eye catching squirrel-based development for the Keeper Of Squirrels to come out into broad daylight and squirrel for the squirrelling delight of the squirrel-loving public. I wonder what’s going on?”.

Suggestions that veteran cynical observers of the Keeper of Squirrels could ‘smell a rat’ were initially greeted with delight by the Keeper Of Squirrels… until he realised that he hadn’t actually fooled them and that ‘smell a rat’ was just a figure of speech way more subtle than anything he had ever managed to write… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…



Media, Satire, Sevco

Stewart Robertson’s Four Point Plan To Improve Sportscene



I’m Stewart Robertson. I’m definitely not Jim Traynor. Nor are the words I am about to say his idea. No siree. In fact I’ve never heard of Jim Traynor and I’ve never been to the squirrel breeding laboratory this non-person hasn’t constructed at an… errr… secret location at No-Longer Murray Park.

I’m here to give you a few of my squirrels… small bushy-tailed creatures… err… ideas about how the BBC’s disgraceful flagship Rangers*-hating programme can be improved.

Because we… I mean I… believe we have the best fans in the world and they deserve better than to be subjected to the sort of footballing apartheid implemented on a weekly basis by Sportscene.

So here is my plan:

Point One: Send Chris McLaughlin to a desert island and never speak of him again.
Everyone knows that Rangers’* appalling treatment by the BBC stems from our perfectly reasonable refusal to let Mr McLaughlin into our ground after he…err… what was it? After he did something in… when was it? F*cking hell, that’s ages ago! Can’t we just move… oh yes, the script…

Yes, Rangers* took a stand over McLaughlin’s shameful ‘stuff wot he did’ and now the BBC doesn’t like it. I am sure if we can just drop Chris out of an aeroplane on to a desert island and forget he ever happened all might be well. We might even give him a parachute. OK, maybe half a parachute. Either way, I am sure he will be grateful for our legnedary generosity.

Point Two: Remove the guillotine from the studio.
It says here – and I obviously agree because these are my thoughts – that for too long the Sportscene presenter and pundits have got away with bringing an effigy of a Rangers* player into the studio with a light blue shirt, and a pumpkin for a head, and guillotining it for the so-called ‘entertainment’ of the viewing public. Enough is enough. None of our players looks like a pumpkin. They might have the positional sense and tactical nous of a pumpkin but that’s an entirely different matter.

Oh, and the guillotine has to go too. Why can’t they just give Rangers* a fair crack of the whip? But not an actual whip. Sportscene has been too violent towards Rangers* for far too long.

Point Three: Replace the presenters and pundits with robots.
Rangers’* top scientists have produced a trio of ‘JimboTraynortron 1872’ robots which will do a far better, and less Rangers*-hating job of presenting Scottish football than the current motley crew. Here they are:


Their extensive speech programming will enable them to analyse the sport in all the detail any reasonable viewer could wish, and extends to a full eight words:
“I fancy Rangers* to win the league this season”.

Point Four: Don’t show any SPFL Premiership football matches whatsoever.
Let’s be honest, they barely ever show any actual football action on Sportscene, so no one should mind if they completely do away with the pretendy coverage of the weekend’s games.

This proposal is so simple that even the BBC – drowning as it is in a bath of anti-Rangers* bile – can implement it. All they have to do is to finally give Rangers* fans the value for their licence fee to which they are entitled by sticking on a 9-in-a-row DVD and broadcasting it to the nation’s homes. Any other fans who don’t like this can turn over and watch something else instead. This is a fundamental matter of ensuring equality of superiority for the world’s most successful* club*. Unevenhanded treatment isn’t much to ask for.

In conclusion, I am sure that no one in their right mind could possibly disagree with my light blueprint for the u̶n̶c̶o̶n̶d̶i̶t̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶r̶e̶n̶d̶e̶r̶ restoration of Sportscene to credibility.

Could they?


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…


Gerrard, Sevco

Gerrard’s Bus

Gerrard's Bus
The #1 bus (formerly the #55) zooms past, leaving Stevie G behind….

Good Evening.

To the tune of The Who’s ‘Magic Bus’…

Gerrard’s Bus

Every time they manage to lose. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Or make a mistake, I feel so Light Blue. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Players nervous, they just have to hide. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
‘Cos Stevie’s gonna say something snide. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)

Thank you, Dave King, for bringing me here. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I’ll be detested have no fear. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
This rookie’s gonna cause a fuss. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I’ll throw them under Gerrard’s Bus! (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)

I don’t care how hard they try. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Just one poor pass, I’ll hang them out to dry. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty. Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty. (They can’t have it!)

Grumbling and scowling every day. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Just for Second place, maybe. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Grumbling and scowling every day. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Because I know I’m losing my way. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)

Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.

I said, now they’re under Gerrard’s Bus. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I said, now they’re under Gerrard’s Bus. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Because I know I’m losing my way. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
Each time I throw ’em a different way. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty…

Every day you’ll see lost trust. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
As I throw my players under Gerrard’s bus. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)

With apologies to Pete Townshend, here is the magic original…

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…