Probably not appearing in a so-called ‘newspaper’ any time soon…
Rangers* Stand Really Really REALLY Firm on Kent and Morelos Transfer Fees
Massive Ibrox resistance as Rangers*take a hard line on potential transfer fees for Ryan Kent and Alfredo Morelos.
By O. Sh*te-Again
“Leeds United are expected to return with an improved £14million offer for the Ibrox winger this weekend”. Said no one ever. Apart from our source who was so far from having a straight face in relation to this ‘news’ he looked like that Gestapo bloke after they open the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.
But that’s what he said, and let’s face it, if you are are a Rangers* fan you are only here for safe soothing b*llshit, and are happy to ignore the possibility that the club is peddling nonsense to inflate the players’ prices to generate a transfer fee that can get them out of a financial hole that they, you and this attempted newspaper won’t ever acknowledge. And if the players are ever sold, we all get to pretend that Rangers* are a big club whose players carry top prices. Top prices. To be honest, I can’t believe that Rangers* or the media get away with it, but we do. So let’s crack on!
Rangers* are adamant Prince Charming Ryan Kent and Ant Crap Alfredo Morelos will only be sold if potential suitors stand and deliver and give this pretendy paper more excuses to make lame puns. Or if they are paid top dollar for them. Especially if they are US dollars. But Zimbabwean dollars will do given the exchange rate. They could then say that the players had been sold for a hundred-digit fee without word of a lie. Which would be a novelty on all fronts.
Leeds United are expected to return with an improved £14million offer for Kent this week. Why they expect to be able to buy a southern English county for that paltry sum is anyone’s guess, but hopefully someone down there will direct Leeds to Ibrox to spend any loose change they have lying about the place.
Morelos was axed (not sawed, scythed, mowed or composted) from the Rangers* squad after boss Steven Gerrard lost patience with him, and French side Lille look set to renew their interest. Because that’s what often happens isn’t it? An out of condition player downs tools, is publicly called out by his manager and immediately becomes a more attractive proposition to other clubs who haven’t so far managed to produce an actual meaningful bid despite the player being the centre of the biggest multi-platform media sales pitch in the history of sport.
Yeah. That’s definitely right.
Gerrard and the Blue room hierarchy insist they won’t be bullied. Anyone who says that this is handy because – short of Jim Bowen being resurrected – there is no chance of that happening is surely just an online troll. And any keyboard warriors claiming that Rangers’* prize assets will not be sold on the cheap, on the basis that you can’t sell what you don’t have, really ought to take a long hard look at themselves and their tragic, empty Rangers*-hating lives.
“Rangers* are determined to stand firm on this one” said an insider on condition of not being named and associoated with the circus.
“Seriously, a mixer has been sent to the Blue Room and the board have been put up to their knees in quick-setting concrete. They feel sure this will show other clubs how immovable they are. Only big bids will shift them. Or possibly a pneumatic drill when they need the toilet.”
Gerrard has refused to elaborate (because let’s face it, he doesn’t….errrm… really…errrm… do anything… errrm… elaborate does he?) on whether Kent has a release clause in his contract, but Leeds boss Marcelo Bielsa is keen to land him. But not like a fish. Especially one that’s been done up like a kipper.
The Elland Road side had an opening bid turned down last week which was less than £10m up front. But we are unable to confirm quite how much less than £10m it was. Somewhere south of it perhaps. Perhaps the penguins you will pass in heading sufficiently far south will be able to tell you?
Kent is happy at Rangers* but the chance to play in the Premier League and to see his wages almost double could yet twist his arm. Claims that he would twist his own arm off and leave it behind shackled to Rangers* if it meant he could leave quickly have been denied by the club.
Rangers* were adamant last night. Well actually they were an Adam Ant tribute act doing gigs to make a bit of extra money – but as far as we and they are concerned they were the real Adam Ant, then, now and forever! Rangers* also said that there had been no new approach from Leeds.
Meanwhile, there is no change on the Morelos front. If we ignore his expanding stomach. He was left out of the squad for the Kilmarnock game after Gerrard claimed he hadn’t trained properly.
The player’s camp – and his caravan, which was left behind by Pedro Caixhina – claimed he wasn’t in a frame of mind to play. However, he is expected to return to training tomorrow although no one at Ibrox could confirm whether he will do anything while there.
Gerrard is set to make it clear that Morelos will only leave if his valuation is met, with lawyers on standby to formalise the manager’s final divorce from any notion of financial reality at Rangers*. Morelos will also be told that unless he works harder he will spend even more weekends on the sidelines. Morelos is understood to he happy to commit to shrugging his shoulders repeatedly until the blessed day of his transfer out of Ibrox.
Lille will come back in for him according to… errr… well… sources… but will wait to see what the fallout from the weekend is given that Morelos wants to leave. Aye, that must definitely be their plan.
West Brom are keen and there is also interest from Spain and Italy. Not from any football clubs there, just from Spain and Italy. And who can blame them for rubbernecking at this car crash? Morelos also has interest from Al-Duhail but he does not see that as an option because it would jeopardise his international ambitions.
Well we all have to dream don’t we?
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…