Media, Satire, Sevco

TEN MILLION POUNDS!

Harry Enfield

AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

TEN MILLION POUNDS!

THAT’S TEN MILLION POUNDS!

TEN MILLION POUND COINS!

TWO MILLION FIVERS!

ONE MILLION TEN POUND NOTES!

LOADS AND LOADS AND LOADS OF CASH!

ABSOLUTELY ROLLING IN MONEY!

SO F*CKING RICH THAT WHEN WE WALK DOWN THE STREET PEOPLE POINT AT US AND SAY “LOOK AT THEM. THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS TO SPEND.”

SO UNBELIEVABLY WEALTHY THAT WE COULD BURN FIVE MILLION POUNDS AND THEN BURN ANOTHER FIVE MILLION POUNDS!

“MONEY MONEY MONEY, MUST BE FUNNY, IN OUR TEN MILLION POUND WORLD.”

ALL THOSE THINGS ABBA SAID THEY COULD DO IF THEY HAD A LITTLE MONEY”? WELL WE CAN DO THEM BECAUSE WE HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS!

WE DON’T HAVE A CASH FLOW PROBLEM. WE HAVE A CASH TSUNAMI PROBLEM! BECAUSE WE HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS!

GIRFUY SCOTTISH FOOTBALL! CASH IS KING, AND WE ARE THE KINGS OF CASH, BECAUSE OF DAVE KING’S CASH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! PRAISE THE LORD! BECAUSE WE HAVE TEN MILLION POUNDS.

(As long as we can sell this guy…)

Morelos

#KeepOnClumping

PS Let’s all have a sing-song… Click here!

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Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

“I haven’t joined Hearts” says Steven Naismith

NaismithGood Evening

It turns out that this is the 900th Clumpany blog. I am sure you will agree that from day one it has been a spectacular exercise in not concentrating on my own team. Many thanks for all your interest and support.

And now down to business…

Look out for this ‘article’ not appearing in a newspaper any time soon…

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“I haven’t joined Hearts” says Steven Naismith

The ex-Rangers star almost traded blows with Ann Budge and Craig Levein at Tynecastle.

By A. Lost-Plot

The return of former Rangers hero Steven Naismith to Scotland almost ended before it had begun amid some truly bizarre scenes. Having been linked with a return to Ibrox, it came as a shock when Naismith arrived in Edinburgh for a loan spell with the Jambos which will last until the end of the season.

The forward – who has fallen out of favour at Norwich City – was about to be unveiled to the press when he remarked to Budge that he was delighted to be joining “SevHearts”, and that it was great to see them building up so successfully from nothing.

One eyewitness explained, “Ann went ballistic and asked what he meant about ‘building up from nothing’. Naismith must have got the wrong end of the stick somehow, and he explained to Budge that it was a real shame that a great old club like Hearts with all its history and tradition had been unable to pay its bills and had been liquidated.

“Craig quickly moved to stop Ann offering Naismith a square go, and bluntly told him that he obviously didn’t know what he was talking about. He said it was still the same Hearts that Naismith had known when he was growing up.

“Naismith didn’t like being spoken to like that. He said that he understood why Craig and Ann might want to believe that fairytale, but he was in no doubt that he wasn’t joining Hearts, he was joining ‘SevHearts’ instead”

Our insider explained that a full-blown shouting match then broke out with Hearts staff telling Naismith he was out of order and was going to alienate the fans as well as the board who had put all put time and money into saving the club.

“In the end, Ann looked like she was storming off to call Norwich and cancel the loan deal, but she quickly reappeared with a piece of paper and practically slapped Naismith across the face with it!

“Naismith immediately realised it was a certificate confirming that Hearts had exited administration. He stared at it for a couple of minutes without saying a word. Then, a single tear of joy ran down his cheek and dripped on to the page. It was a beautiful moment.

“He then hugged the piece of paper and embraced Ann and Craig. He apologised over and over again for his error, and for suggesting that folk might have stood idly by and watched Hearts die.

“Regaining his composure, Naismith suddenly exclaimed, ‘This is brilliant! I’ve not joined SevHearts, I’ve joined Hearts! Wait until I tell the lads at Sevco about it! They’ll want to come over and see some proper intact history!’

“And with that, he went out to meet the press, wearing the biggest smile you will ever see”.

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How times change, eh?

Naismith2

Rangers in crisis: I haven’t quit Rangers – I have quit Sevco, says gutted star Steven Naismith

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NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Intergalactic Interest

Good Evening.

A number of alarming reports reached me this morning from the Clumpany Space Monitoring Centre. They stated that a number of UFOs had approached the Earth in formation at incredible speed, and had entered the atmosphere over Northern Europe.

I immediately dispatched a top Clumpany Agent to investigate.

By lunchtime he had tracked down the UFOs to an implausibly-deserted car park on the outskirts of Glasgow, where no one else had spotted them. Remarkably, the UFOs were exactly like the most cliched flying saucer you could imagine from the most hackneyed of science fiction movies.

My agent tried to sneak up to the saucers for a closer look, but was seen by the extra-terrestrial visitors and beamed aboard, where he immediately feared for his life.

The Leader of the grey-skinned, big-eyed aliens had him restrained on a table and began to ask some questions.

Alien: [*Hissing*] “I want to know…”

Clumpany Agent: [*Shaking in terror*] “I’ll tell you anything!”

Alien:I need to know…”

Clumpany Agent: [*Becoming hysterical*] “Anything at all. Absolutely anything I know about planet Earth, its Leaders, its people, its politics, its history, the most important countries…”

Alien:I MUST know…”

Clumpany Agent: [*Losing it completely*] “I’ll tell you ANYTHING!”

Alien: “It is imperative that I know…”

Clumpany Agent: [*In tears*] “Please! Just ask me and I will tell you!”

Alien: [*Annoyed*] “Cease your prattling! I want to know where I can find this Graeme Murty entity.”

Clumpany Agent: [*Bewildered*] “What?! Graeme Murty the Sevco manager?”

Alien: “Is there a second Graeme Murty being on this planet?”

Clumpany Agent: “No, just one. And you will find him at Auchen, Auchen, Auchenhow… err… the Sevco training ground. I can give you the address. Have you got a pen?”

Alien: [*Staring silently*]

Clumpany Agent: [*Relaxing a little*] “No, I don’t suppose you do pens, do you?”

Alien: “We will find this ‘Sevco training ground’.”

Clumpany Agent: “Good. But why are you here? And why Graeme Murty?”

Alien: “We have the ability to travel anywhere in the Universe, and to explore millions of galaxies, but we have made haste to Earth as quickly as possible. We have heard many things about the wonders of the Universe, and one day we may see them all.

“However, the opportunity to work with the Great Murty was too tempting to pass up. So here we are.”

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Meanwhile, in less plausible ‘news’…

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Jam Tomorrow FC

Good Morning.

In a Light Blue household somewhere in Glasgow…

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Child: “Dad! Can we have some jam on our bread?”

Dad: “Errrr.”

Child: “But we are hungry!”

Dad: “Errrr.” [*Thinks to himself “Times are hard and money is rather tight.”]

Child: “Dad! Dad! DAD! Jam!”

Dad: “Well, err… would you like something else instead? I’ve got this old half-packet of Rich Tea biscuits. Yum!”

Child: “Dad! We want jam! And lots of it too. Jam for all our friends!”

Dad: “What friends?”

Child: “The ones we have coming round for tea. You do remember, don’t you?”

Dad: “Do I?.”

Child: “Yes, you invited them round last summer.”

Dad: “Oh. How many are coming and expecting jam for tea?”

Child: “Well over 40,000 of our very best friends.”

Dad: “What?!”

Child: “And they are really looking forward to the best tea EVER, with lots of jam!”

Dad: “Oh God…”

Child: “Dad! Dad! DAAAAAAAAD!?”

Dad: “OK. OK. OK.”

Child: “We can have jam!? Can we?!”

Dad: [*Rummaging in the pockets of an old coat*] “Yes, here we are! Boy have I got some jam for you! Ta-da!”

Child: “Oh! Those look like three crumpled tiny plastic pots of jam with the lids half-peeled off.”

Dad: “Let me tell you something. I ‘borrowed’ these jams from a hotel. These are the finest jams in the whole world. The tastiest, most impressive jams you will ever see. These jams will make everyone who isn’t invited to tea extremely jealous.”

Child: “Ooh brilliant Dad! I can’t wait to laugh at Timmy at school about our quality jams! He’ll be gutted!”

Dad: “That’s the spirit!”

Child: “But will there be enough jam to go round to make everyone happy? All 40-odd thousand of my friends?”

Dad: “Don’t you worry about that Billy. I am going to BUY lots and lots and lots of jam so we can have the best tea ever!”

Child: “Awesome! When will you do that, Dad?”

Dad: “Tomorrow, Billy. There will be jam tomorrow….”

Child: “You’re the best, Dad!”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Fight To The Death?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany had a call early this morning from my good pal Alan. It was nice to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. 😉

Last night he’d overheard two blokes in the pub talking about Sevco ‘swooping’ for Hamilton’s Greg Docherty.

Alan was in a high state of alarm because the lads had said that – according to the Record – Hamilton were ready to play ‘hardball’ with Sevco over their player, who has plenty of time left on his contract.

Alan likes the world to be a peaceful place, and hadn’t managed to catch up with the Record article, so he called me for the low-down…

Alan: “Apparently the article said ‘hardball’! You’ve got to tell me what Hamilton are up to. Have they got the player locked up in a secret location? Because that would be a bit OTT”.

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they gone to Court and had an interdict slapped on Stewart Robertson to stop him from trying to organise the transfer? Wow!”

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they invented an invisibility cloak in a secret laboratory and forced Docherty to wear it at all times so that Sevco can never find him? That’s incredible!”

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they got Dave King in a headlock? Have they sent the heavy mob round to give the Sevco board and Murty a good kicking? Bloody Hell!”

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they put up observation posts with machine guns around the stadium and training ground to stop Sevco from approaching their player? I bet they have! With tanks patrolling a 2-mile perimeter? Dear me!”

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they started shelling Ibrox from a submarine in the Clyde? A submarine that they bought from a shady arms dealer in the toilets of a nightclub using a pile of book tokens that their clandestine forgery operation had changed to look like cash? That’s outrageous!”

TC: “No, no, no, no NO Alan! You’ve got it all wrong!”

Alan: “What? You mean it’s something even more appalling? What the f*ck are Hamilton playing at? I’m not normally one to sympathise with Sevco, but it sounds like Accies are bang out of order here.”

TC: “It seems that the Hamilton Chairman wants to receive a proper, professional, cash-based offer for the player, Alan.”

Alan: [*Silence*]

TC: “Alan? Alan? ALAN? Are you still there?”

Alan: [*Thudding sound*] [*Phone goes dead*]

Alan was subsequently rushed to hospital suffering from shock, but is expected to be discharged in a couple of days. Rumours that several senior Sevco officials are in the same ward for treatment remain unconfirmed… 😉

Hamilton ready to play hardball with Rangers* after Ibrox side make move for Greg Docherty

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NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

‘Winning’ An Intercontinental Cup

Rangers* Caked In American Success

Stateside Cup triumph was no trifling matter says our man perusing the Gers’* American menu of delights.

By O. Yummy

Rangers’* massive dinner party in the USA ended in a feast of success as they ate up and spat out their opposition last night in the Flo ‘n’ Ida Cupcake. Flo and Ida were – of course – two English nans who emigrated to America, but who could probably win the Scottish Premiership… err… single-handedly.

Rangers* adopted an attacking line-up with two curries up front who managed to play some spicy football. But there were other great performances, not least from six-layer cake in goal, classic burgers and fries in defence, and some truly creative pancakes in midfield.

A packed crowd of fast-food stalls witnessed an epic encounter which saw the Gers* stamp their culinary authority on the Brazil nut opposition.

The waiter had very little to do as the meal was conducted in a great spirit and he only had to show the menu twice in a fast-scoffing encounter.

The Gers* management freshened things up at half time, replacing pancakes with waffles, and bolstering the attack with some onion bhajis. There was also a surprise change in tactics as Graeme Murty opted for room service back at the hotel later instead of a restaurant meal.

The Rangers* fans trip joined in the spirit of the occasion by singing about “being up to our knees in Mississippi Mud”. This was probably a banterful reference to the exquisite dessert which – incidentally – I smeared on my body throughout the match.

Having turned on the style, and with the waiter disappointing adding only two mints to the plate accompanying the bill, the heroic Rangers* players quickly took the salute of the travelling fans at the end of the game and headed off for some more food.

All in all this was a great trip for the Light Blues. Not one plate was left empty throughout, and the players will certainly be ready to devour the Scottish Premiership at the end of the winter break.

As for your humble correspondent, I am away to grab my final opportunity for a burger grease rub-down before heading home. God bless the United States of America!

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Further dispatches from the Flo ‘n’ Ida Cupcake can be found at:

Wow! America!

The MSM Goes To Florida

The Most Surprised Man In The World

Oh, and let’s not forget this…

Rangers in Florida: Ibrox stars lap up phenomenal training facilities but it’s all about the top notch grub for hungry Press pack

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NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire

The Most Surprised Man In The World

“Dear Diary.

Today has been a day of massive coincidences! I can’t believe some of the crazy stuff that has been happening almost everywhere I have been.

I’m not sure what to make of it, to be honest. At first I wondered whether someone was playing a lot of practical jokes on me and I’d end up on some hidden camera TV show. But no one could possibly have organised all the weird things I have encountered.

It’s been quite a ride and the lads back at the office will probably never believe me.

However, I know that you Dear Diary will always believe me, so here’s what happened…

I went out for a walk this morning by the side of the road, and you’ll never guess what I saw! It was completely unbelievable. Somehow, by some strange turn of the Universe, there were cars on it! Can you believe it?! Cars, on the road! Incredible!

I stopped a man to point this out and noticed that he had a lead in his hand. And then – unbelievably – I saw that there was a dog attached to it! A dog, on a lead! And just when I thought it couldn’t get any more freaky, the dog barked! Wow! A lead with a dog on it that could make a barking sound! How can all these things possibly happen at once?

I decided it was worth sitting down for a few minutes to gather my thoughts, so I popped into a diner. To my utter astonishment they had food and drink available. To buy! And in a jaw-dropping twist of fate, I had my wallet with me, and – OMG – it had money in it!

I was so shaken by all these coincidences that I could hardly drink my coffee. Especially as it came in – of all things – a cup! An actual cup! And what great luck that not only did the cup have a handle on it, I had fingers to hold the handle!

Absolute scenes!

Nevertheless, despite all the bizarre events of the morning, I managed to pull myself together ahead of going to watch Rangers* who were playing nearby. But it was then that the most Earth-shattering coincidence of them all occurred:

Even now, several hours later, I am still in shock!

What is this sorcery?”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…