Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro Factors Poor Management Into Training

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has been given a copy of a fictitious article about the latest profound insights from Paperwork Pedro. It will not be appearing in a mainstream publication any time soon, and so is reproduced for your information below…


Pedro Caixinha is now factoring poor management into Rangers’ * training sessions in the wake of last Saturday’s defeat by the Highly Provocative Neil Lennon and His Lucky Hibernian Side.

The Ibrox manager [no, we still can’t believe it either…] was unhappy with the performance of the referee and his assistants as his side lost to the ex-Celtic manager’s side. That’s THE EX-CELTIC MANAGER’S SIDE.

Ryan Jack was sent off in the first half, and his dismissal has since been overturned, with the SFA having concluded that he administered the acceptable sort of head butt rather than one of those naughty ones.

However, having reflected on the result, the manner of Rangers’ latest defeat, and having seeing the words “Pedro, you are shite” everywhere he looks on social media, Caixinha has reluctantly decided to look closer to home for answers.

“I will take a bad management decision in training to make the players understand that things are going in that direction and might happen at any moment”, said Caixinha.

“If they say ‘FFS what is this clown doing now?’ enough times in training, then they are less likely to say it during a match in front of the TV cameras. It is bad for morale to see such things. Especially my morale.”

The Rangers* manager continued, “If the players know I am likely to do something completely bat-shit crazy, or to ignore a gaping hole in the defence, then they have the opportunity to implement a solution. Hopefully before the opposition score a goal. But if not, while they carry the ball back to the centre circle for the restart.”

Caixinha wants his players to control their temper even when they feel aggrieved at a decision made by him. And he thinks that introducing some even more bonkers initiatives into practice matches at their No-Longer-Murray Park training centre will help to achieve that.

“For my players, I can try to get them to control their inner rage at me” explained the man sometimes known as the ‘Poundshop Mourinho’, but for whom Rangers’* actually received change from a quid when they acquired his services.

“But I cannot always control what manner of craziness might come out of my mouth. In fact sometimes I just wibble and hope for the best

“I hope that my players still have the focus to keep playing football with a formation and tactics because one of the points we have definitely is to finish matches playing something that cannot be mistaken for a convention of headless chickens.

“I just need players to understand that there is no plan. And if my behaviour demands they play ‘Cluedo’ or ‘Connect Four’ in training, and perhaps juggle hedgehogs, they need to accept that.

“It’s something we analyse and speak to our players about. We play board games and juggle Mrs Tiggy-Winkle and her friends at training, but they have to be ready to repair my car during a game if that is what I demand. Or perhaps establish a small pop-up shop selling a range of cute ceramic dogs.”

Caixinha said his players had shown “so much anger, so much incredulity” in training this week, that until kick-off against Hearts they would simply be sedated.

The Portuguese added: “We have already forgotten what happened on Saturday. You have seen the film ‘Men In Black’? It is like that. My players now know nothing of the mistakes that cost them against Hibernian. It’s definitely not going to affect our next game so we are looking forward to Saturday. Or at least we will once the drugs have worn off.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s what the song says and that’s what I really believe. Unless of course you are Samson. He had his hair cut off and it made him weaker without killing him.

“This gives me an idea for my next tactical innovation. The players will be trained in hairdressing and will cut the hair of the Hearts players during the game. It will be a thing of beauty for the fans to see and will require no skill with a football. We cannot fail.”



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…




Celtic, Champions League, Satire, Scottish Football

Appalling News For Scottish Football


Good Evening.

Celtic’s performance against Astana in the first leg of their Champions League Playoff Round was a bit special, wasn’t it? Any win without conceding would have been welcome (although 1-0 would have been particularly good news for underwear retailers ahead of the second leg). But to win 5-0 was the stuff of dreams, and the players and manager deserve every plaudit heading their way at present.

Cliché and fact remind us that it is only half-time in the tie and Celtic could yet be dumped out of the competition in Kazakhstan next week, so we mustn’t get ahead of ourselves. However, it seems highly likely that the Scottish Champions are going to be in the draw for the Group Stage of the 2017-18 Champions League. Which – on balance – is rather nice.

Another cliché which tends to do the rounds at times like this is that “Celtic’s likely progress is good for Scottish football” in terms of the profile and prestige of having a participant, in terms of the opportunity for home-grown players to play on the big stage, and in terms of giving a boost to the national coefficient. Most people seem to agree with these points (even if they don’t much care for Celtic). However, as you might expect – and it is a free country – some have remained resolutely unimpressed. They have lamented the prospect of Celtic’s Champions League revenue making them more dominant domestically, thereby reducing competition still further, and generally making the game less interesting and attractive.

The Clumpany must admit that it laughs in the face of anyone who bemoans a lack of competition but who

  • remained silent during Rangers’ (IL) ‘9-in-a-row’ years;and /or
  • subscribes to the disastrous fantasy that years of industrial scale cheating by one club is best ignored ‘for the good of the game’.

Nevertheless, I can see why some might be troubled by the prospect of Celtic’s dominance increasing. What’s more, I don’t mind them saying so as long as they don’t try to blame the club in some way for building sustainably over 20 years and for taking a successful punt on a very good manager. There is no fluke or underhand method underpinning Celtic’s position. It is the product of a lot of hard work which continues each and every day. [NB Celtic don’t have the monopoly on working hard to build up their operation – see also Hearts, Aberdeen and Hibs etc].

And then of course there is the windfall that would go to Premiership sides if Celtic make the Group Stages of the Champions League. I have seen it mentioned numerous times today so I thought I would investigate, and I must admit that it is THIS element of Celtic’s success which clearly gives folk grounds to get upset.

“Why should they get upset?” you ask. “It’s basically a bonus to clubs for doing nothing!”.

I must admit that that is what I thought. But having done some digging, I have discovered a  little-known clause in the latest UEFA rules and regulations which specifically relates to the implications of Celtic qualifying for the Champions League, and which I now quote in full:

Season 2017-18: Special Provisions for Celtic FC (Scotland).

To mark 50 years of Celtic winning the Champion Clubs’ Cup, and at the request of the club itself, special slurrydality payments will be shared by eligible members of the top tier of the domestic competition in Scotland. £365,000 will be issued to Celtic FC in the form of agricultural slurry for distribution before the end of the season.

The Clumpany has spoken to Celtic insiders who confirm that the club would be absolutely delighted to share its success with its domestic peers in such a unique way. Peter Lawwell has apparently gained a pilot’s licence and intends to personally drop the slurrydarity payments on Premiership grounds during matches. Preferably as near to the press boxes as possible.

One source – who asked not to be named as he stood on his heated driveway – said “I don’t know why people begrudge Celtic our success. It’s not as if we literally come and dump a load of shit on their doorstep.



So there you have it. Celtic’s Champions League success is clearly bad for Scottish football.




Hibernian, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Neil Lennon Commemorative ‘Ear Cup’


Good Evening.

Clumpany Enterprises is delighted to announce the launch of an exciting new product.

In association with Neil Lennon, and in order to commemorate his side’s win against Sevco at the weekend, we will shortly release some limited edition ‘Ibrox Victory’ ear cups.

These will be hand-thrown* from the finest china clay, and glazed with the tears of almost 50,000 Sevco fans. [NB not “thrown” in the sense that you are thinking, Sevco fans. Put the phone down. The police don’t want to hear from you again].

The cups will retail at £32.32 per pair in acknowledgement of Hibs’ recent results against the latest Ibrox club.

Now, before you start grumbling that £32.32 is expensive, please bear in mind these very special features:

  • The cups will have handles in the shape of Neil Lennon’s left and right hands.
  • They will be emblazoned with a picture of Neil Lennon’s left and right ears.
  • Each cup will be 40 feet in diameter and will contain a space in which you can write a complete fantasy of your own choosing.

These unique elements reflect the scale of faux offence which some Sevco fans have taken to Neil Lennon celebrating a goal, and the cups are sure to become a collector’s item. At least until the next time that a Neil Lennon team pumps Sevco, when we can expect to have to commemorate an entirely new round of deluded anguish.

Each pair of cups is capable of holding a reservoir-sized quantity of anti-Lennon bile and comes complete with a ‘Sevco lifetime guarantee’, so please do not plan on still using them at Christmas.

Buy now to ensure disappointment. And look out for our forthcoming range of Neil Lennon plates, on which Sevco’s dinner is expected to be served sooner rather than later.



Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

How To Manage The Scottish Sports Media

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is delighted to be acting as the recruitment agent for an exciting new fictitious media management opportunity at Sevco.

Please see the below details.


Position: Media Management Executive at one-time basket of assets.

Number of posts available: Three (see 'responsibilities' below).

Location: The Very Democratic People's Kingdom of Sevconia.

Salary: Um, well, errr… oh look, you need to get on with reading the rest of the advert.

Benefits: A 'free' breakfast (world class) is available for a daily charge.

Pension: Yes, some of our players are near to drawing theirs.

Start date: Immediate, but your career history can be backdated to 1872 if you wish. We have a very creative approach to such matters.

Duration: Our spin will survive the final heat death of the Universe.

Training: Our highly experienced Traynor will sort you out. 😉


The world's most successful* 'club' has recently initiated a strategy to manage the output of the Scottish sports media to within half an inch of its life. In doing so, they are building on their previous success in managing its output to within a full inch of its life.

The centrepiece of this progressive approach is to film journalists during press conferences so that everyone can be absolutely clear about who exactly said what.

Post One

To reinforce this positive innovation – known as 'Operation You Can't be Too Careful'the 'club' is now seeking a second cameraman to film the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

The post holder will focus the mind of the first cameraman and sure that there is absolutely no chance of any press pack 'misdeeds' (as defined by us) going unrecorded.

Post Two

Our comprehensive approach to news management necessitates the appointment of a 'quality assurance' technician. The post holder will be a skilled cameraman responsible for filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

Post Three

The final piece of our master plan to ensure totally anodyne coverage of the 'club' will be the appointment of a 'quality control' specialist. The post holder will be an experienced cameraman responsible for filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

The successful applicant must possess versatility and be able to scrawl over journalists' notes with a black marker pen and shout 'no one leaves until their story is correct' when required.

Applications to: Clumpany Towers (Satirical Recruitment Division).

Applications which are not submitted on the label of a full bottle of Buckie will be rejected unread.

Time-wasters only please.


Any takers?


NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…


Hibernian, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Neil Lennon Ruined Our Day

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just received a copy of a completely fictitious statement from a non-existent Sevco fans' group.

We Lost A Game To A Manager We Don't Like And Are Going To Embarrass Ourselves In Public About It

Taking It Badly Loyal would like to take this opportunity to commend the brave band of Rangers* supporters who withstood the relentless assault of Neil Lennon during our so-called football match against Hibernian yesterday.

Mr Lennon has a reputation for sneaking out shortly after kickoff and erecting 200ft high walls around stadiums in which the Solar System's most successful club is playing. At which point he then beheads the local population, injects their corpses with a deadly plague and catapults them into the Rangers* supporters with the intention of causing them anguish and an agonising death.

Sadly, Mr Lennon – who always plays the 'I don't behead people' card at the first available opportunity – lived up to his disgusting reputation yesterday. However, he then opted to go further in a truly sickening fashion which leaves us with no alternative but to make this sentence go on for a very very very long time until readers are begging for the merciful release of a full stop which isn't coming quite yet because we really don't like the former Celtic manager and believe he would revel in the attention given to him by properly-constructed sentences.

[*Cough cough cough*]
[*Deep breath*]

As if laying siege to Ibrox and intending to inflict medieval-style pestilence on the passengers of the World's Most Successful Offended Bus wasn't enough, Mr Lennon also conspired to replace the referee with a glove puppet operated by his very own barely-hidden hand.

It was therefore no surprise to Rangers* fans to see decision after decision go against the recent conquerors of Dunfermline. However, it is to the eternal credit of the Rangers* players that they somehow endured this on-pitch conspiracy and conceded no valid goals while scoring two themselves.

If that had been the end of the matter we could perhaps move on and simply demand that Mr Lennon is sent to The Hague to face War Crimes charges. But, unfortunately, Mr Lennon could not accept defeat with any decorum and hacked the Ibrox scoreboard to falsely show Hibernian as having scored three goals. This was of course a lie which his puppet referee was happy to accept, and Rangers* (through no fault of their own) now find themselves three points behind in the Premiership.

This is an absolute disgrace. In fact it is so disgraceful that the word 'disgraceful' should not be allowed to have the word 'grace' in it. It should instead have the word 'NeilLennonfuckedusoverandweloathehim' in it.

No credible football authority can stand idly by while Neil Lennon gets away with such shameful behaviour. Nor can Police Scotland, NATO, the United Nations and the Galactic Senate. We will be petitioning all of these bodies to demand that Mr Lennon is brought to justice and is never again allowed to do what Rangers*-haters falsely describe as "a former Celtic manager refusing to be intimidated, and celebrating goals which brought about a well-deserved victory for his team."


NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro Is One Of The People

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany was delighted to note that Paperwork Pedro Caixinha has discovered the solution to any ill which may befall him at Sevco. [At least prior to him being 'resigned' from his job…]

Following yesterday's glorious 2-3 non-triumph against Hibernian and the Clearly Provocative Neil Lennon (who – incidentally – I once saw supporting The Fall), Pedro had various vacuous things to say. Things which most rational folk would mistake for lame-arsed excuses to mask a piss-poor result.

But as far as Pedro was concerned, what doesn't kill you (via liquidation or otherwise) only makes you stronger. Or at least more full of bullshit.

As he told Sevco TV "We will keep fighting knowing that maybe some people are against us. But that's just going to make us strong".

Here is the full clip:

For a minute there I thought he was going to say "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I am angry", but then I remembered that the Incredible Bulk was no longer Sevco manager and had recently left his vegetable patch to become a 'pundit' on BT Sport.

But I digress.

As if his claim of folk being against 'them' was not enough, Pedro managed to play a genuine trump card (or was it a Joker?), claiming mid-interview that "We are the People".

Yes. "We are the People".

And here it is, courtesy of @gibbygibbo1:

I didn't get the impression that Pedro was joking, and I would love to know what he thought he was saying when he uttered those immortal words, not that anyone will ask him during his next press conference.

However, it doesn't really matter. The fact that he could make that statement in the expectation that it would be understood by – and resonate with – his audience as some kind of impressive, problem-solving catchphrase is absolutely hilarious!

How much of a moron does he (and anyone who put him up to use that language) think each and every Sevco fan is? How arrogant and/or deluded would you have to be to think it makes things better in any way whatsoever? How detached from reality would you have to be not to worry that it might make you and your 'club' an absolute laughing stock?

The mind boggles. But if Pedro thinks he can get away with it in the context of an embarrassing defeat to Hibernian and the Clearly Provocative Neil Lennon, when else might he try it on?

Here are a few possibilities…

Q: "Pedro, your side has just been relegated and was dumped out of the Cups in the early rounds? Have you anything to say?"
A: "Yes. We are the People."

Q: "Pedro, you pissed away a load of money the club can't afford on terrible players. Have you a word for concerned fans?"
A: "Yes. We are the People. Including those players too. They are the People. We are all the People. Except those people that are not the People. They are not the People."

Q: "Pedro, you aren't supposed to put a Fray Bentos pie in the microwave. It has a metal casing. It exploded and has done thousands of pounds' worth of damage. What were you thinking?"
A: "It is no problem. We are the People. And all is well.
Q: "But now you have nothing to eat?".
A: "Pies may come and go, but we are the People."

Q: "Pedro, your pal's dog has just died and he is really upset. Do you have any words of comfort for him?"
A: "Yes. It is no problem. We are the People."
Q: "But his dog isn't. It's dead."
A: "Not everyone can be the People. And we know that because we are the People. His dog was a dog. Not the People."

Q: "Pedro, your car has broken down, the AA can't get here for six hours, the club can't put petrol in any of its own vehicles until after the next home game gate receipts come in, and you are going to miss the flight for your holiday. How upset are you at this unfortunate turn of events?"
A: "Why would I be upset? We are the People."
Q: "Does being the People fix cars and fly you overseas?"
A: "We are the People. Mark my words carefully. We ARE the people. That is enough."
Q: "So you aren't going on holiday then?"
A: "Jim. Can I say 'no' to this question? [*Pause*]. Oh. We are the People. That is my answer to your question. We ARE the People."

Q: "Pedro, the USA and North Korea may go to war, the world could be burned to a cinder. These are really worrying times aren't they?"
A: "No. We will still win the league. Because we are the People. That will never change."

Q: "Pedro, what do you say to people who suggest you are a cut-price manager who is the living embodiment of the phrase 'you get what you pay for'?"
A: "I say the truth. We are the People. We ARE the People. The People, we are them. WE. ARE. THE. PEOPLE."

What could possibly go wrong, eh?

The Clumpany says Give Ped A Chance.


Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

That SPFL Decision In Full…

Good Evening.

Top Clumpany analysts have been working non-stop to bring you the definitive take on the SPFL's statement and interview comments regarding their inability to revisit or set aside the Lord-Nimmo-Smith Commission, following the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Big Tax Case.

The SPFL's position on these matters is of fundamental importance in determining whether Scottish football is an actual sport, and in deciding whether everyone who paid into it from the turn of the millennium onwards was taken for a complete mug.

As such, I hope you will pay close attention to the following Clumpany analysis.


A Clumpany Summary Of The SPFL's Position

Legal lawyer stuff.
Lawyer legal stuff.
Legal stuff lawyer.
Lawyer stuff legal.
Stuff lawyer legal.
Stuff legal lawyer.
Stuff you!

Lord Nimmo-Smith dealt with that.
And that.
That too.
And the other things as well.
And things.
He dealt with all the things and stuff.
What was the question?
Stuff you!

Can't reopen.
Matter closed.
A closed matter that can't be reopened.
It's all a non-reopen-able closed matter.
Line-drawn-undery stuff.
Look to the future at new stuff.
Stuff stuff stuff-ity stuff!
Stuff you!

Review what we did.
But we can't actually do anything.
Case closed.
We'll learn from the thing we closed.
Even though it's closed because we did things properly.
All above board.
We are bored bored board of this.
It's dry and boring stuff.
There's more important stuff than being seen to govern even-handedly.
Like other stuff.
And things.
And stuff and things and stuff.
Stuff you!


You have to admit that is a compelling narrative which should put to bed the issues of Rangers' use of DOS, EBTs, and side letters. Along with all concerns about, spectacularly invalid player registrations and a Lord Nimmo-Smith Commission that was so defective you wouldn't even give it to your worst enemy as a Secret Santa present.

Although you might give it to Neil Doncaster to stuff somewhere. 😉

(And keep lobbying your clubs to show some backbone over this truly defining issue).

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun… 😉