Celtic, Satire

Strangling The Goose That Lays The Golden Eggs

Good Evening.

It has come to The Clumpany’s attention that a progressive, imaginative and ambitious golden egg-laying goose has wandered into the vicinity of Celtic Park. Apparently it sneaked in a couple of years ago.

The Clumpany cannot believe that this wildfowl-based transgression has been allowed to occur and remain present since the summer of 2016.

What the f*ck is going on? How can any sensible board allow this affront to the very idea of rigid financial planning be allowed to roam free?

Surely the time has now come for the Celtic board to strangle the goose that has been laying these golden eggs as if there is no tomorrow?

The sparkling vista of enduring football success has been given free rein for far too long. Surely no sensible board can keep spending money to feed the entirely reasonable ambitions of this success-generating bird?

It is clearly now time to wring its neck.

If nothing else, those ageing golden eggs will look fantastic as they sit beside sparkling profit-laden accounts at the next Celtic AGM, won’t they? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, satire works in relation to more than one club*, and it’s not reckless or criminal to back Brendan in the transfer market…

Meanwhile…

Celtic, Satire

What The Hell Is Going On At Celtic?

Good Afternoon.

Surely not appearing on any Celtic-flavoured site or forum at any point… 😉

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Let’s All Shrug Our Shoulders

According to well-informed sources close to Celtic Football Club no one has any idea whatsoever why the manager might be unhappy.

Is he sulking or something?

It can’t be because John McGinn signed for Aston Villa because, well because stuff and things.

So the issue must be with the manager. Let’s face it, he is clearly being completely unreasonable by publicly alluding to some sort of inexplicable unhappiness. Maybe he got out of the wrong side of bed this morning?

It’s a good thing that this club has Celtic class and no one would brief against the manager to a mainstream media outlet whose staff might rub their skin off w*nking themselves silly at the prospect of problems at Celtic.

Phew.

Yes, the manager needs to take a long hard look at himself with his unprecedented success and reputation as a top class coach.

Who does he think he is?

It’s a complete mystery why he isn’t dancing down the street singing “happy days are here again”. He may not have have signed McGinn but the money was there and the transfer fell through for… reasons.

And who needs defenders? The board can mount a defence against any criticism of the club’s balance sheet. Isn’t that enough?

Is it me or is it a bit draughty in here? Can someone close that transfer window? We wouldn’t want those Champions League millions from the past two seasons blowing away would we?

And as for today’s result, no one on the board knows what went wrong. That’s the manager’s department. Something about kicking a ball into some Hoops or something?

Ach it will all be fine. Big club, worldwide fan base etc. Don’t you worry yourself. The board has always known best and will continue to do so.

W̶A̶T̶P̶. Hail Hail!

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NB Remember folks, no good comes of not asking tough questions of your football club.

Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Is Steven Gerrard Paranoid?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has seen a number of folk commenting that Steven Gerrard appeared paranoid after today’s draw against an Aberdeen side so poor that they were mistaken for Sevco’s bank account early in the second half.

Gerrard commented that Sevco were a “class above” the Dons and went on to remark that

“It seems like the world is against us today.

“But we’ll make sure we get better for that because it looks like some more decisions will go against us as the season goes on.

“We need to try and use it to our advantage. It’s not just today, I believe it’s been happening for seasons. That’s just my opinion”

Just his opinion eh? Now, I don’t wish to appear cynical but unless Gerrard has watched hundreds of Sevco games and formed an evidence-based opinion, it seems that someone has either briefed him with lies, or he has made it up – possibly fuelled by paranoia.

I will let my long-suffering readers make up their own minds on the basis of a transcript I have been given. This document (which may have been made up by me 😉) records a post-match interview in which Gerrard’s was asked to explain his opinion…

Interviewer: “Steven, can you just clarify your remarks about decisions going against Rangers* for a number of seasons? It’s quite a claim to make. Why do you think that.”

Stevie G: “Well there’s nothing the authorities won’t do to stop this club from being successful. In fact I was surprised we even made it here today.”

Interviewer: “How do you mean?”

Stevie G: “Well, it was a really nervous ride up here. I’d been warned that for every away fixture we play in Scotland the football authorities will send out a special agent to try and stop us arriving. They simply do not want us to play and win football matches.”

Interviewer: “A special agent?”

Stevie G: “Yeah. The codename of this agent is apparently Wile E. Coyote. Some very well informed people told me that he dashes all over Scotland trying to stop us from road running to our fixtures. The officials behind Wile E. Coyote hate Rangers* and want him to do whatever it takes to destroy the world’s most successful club.”

Interviewer: “And you believe this?”

Stevie G: “Why would these people who are looking out for Rangers* lie to me? You can’t be too careful. I just want to win trophies for this club, and I’m worried about dirty tricks being used to stop us.”

Interviewer: “What kind of tricks? I think our readers and the fans… oh hang on they are the same thing… I think they deserve to know. Perhaps by exposing this we can bring some transparency and accountability to the Scottish game?”

Stevie G: “Well apparently there are a variety of tricks involved. ACME dynamite is often used. You know the sort of thing. It’s triggered by a fuse which never lasts for as long as you think it should.

Interviewer: “Dynamite?”

Stevie G: “Yeah. And he also paints a road on the ground leading to a false picture of a tunnel that is painted on to a solid rock-face. That’s a very dirty trick to play.”

Interviewer: “That’s awful! Anything else?”

Stevie G: “Yes. A big anvil dropped from a cliff above our bus. Imagine trying to get three points after being hit by that.”

Interviewer: “That’s awful Steven. So how was the journey up to Aberdeen for today’s game? Any sign of Wile E. Coyote?”

Stevie G: “No. none at all. But it was a nervous ride and we will all be extra-vigilant after today’s refereeing performance. Do you know if Kevin Clancy has an alter ego and an animal costume?”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire

The Day I Saw The Beatles Perform Live

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to share a very personal reminiscence with my long suffering readers.

It’s about the day I saw the Fab Four perform live!

I was very excited about it for days in advance. On the morning of the gig I was absolutely buzzing even though I hadn’t slept. I put some Beatles vinyl records on at maximum volume during breakfast, and played them at maximum volume.

It really set me up for the day! I was dancing in the kitchen, dancing in the shower, and dancing all the way to the gig.

Seriously, I practically floated to the venue because I was so unbelievably excited. I knew that I was going to scream from the first moment that John, Paul, George and Ringo walked on stage until well after they left, and I didn’t care who saw or heard me.

Because was going to see The Beatles!

And they didn’t disappoint! Sometimes you could barely hear them over the screaming, but it was an unbelievably brilliant show. Those voices! Those songs! And (let’s be honest) those suits and haircuts! OOFT!

I knew there and then that this was going to be an experience to treasure for ever and ever.

I had seen and heard The Beatles in person.

GET IN!

I can still remember the exact date and location of the concert.

It was on 29 July 2012 at Glebe Park, Brechin.

And if you are prepared to believe that steaming pile of bullshit you will also believe that the team that played Brechin City that day was the real Rangers FC rather than Sevco Scotland.

Goo goo g’joob.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, liquidation denial is a massive insult to your intelligence and a punch in the face for 276 creditors…

Celtic, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Reply To Celtic’s Statement

Good Evening.

Not coming to a ‘club’, ‘holding company’ or ‘engine room subsidiary’ website any time soon….

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Club Statement

Rangers* Football Club was appalled to see the inflammatory, entirely reasonable statement issued by Celtic FC this afternoon.

This unilateral act – which was disgracefully undertaken without the involvement of Rangers’* PR advisers – beggars belief.

This club has a long history (a REALLY long history) of feeling entitled to put Celtic in their place by any means we choose. It is an affront to the good reputation of Scottish football for Celtic to shrug its shoulders at our decision to cut their allocation and say “OK, two can play at that game”.

[*Insert sentence including a really long word out of context to try and appear clever and intimidating*]

For Celtic to demean Scottish football by looking out for their fans and not picking an argument with us is utterly intolerable and we expect the SFA, SPFL, and Emperor Palpatine to impose the harshest sanctions.

Twice.

Or maybe three times.

For the avoidance of doubt, Rangers* Football Club will work tirelessly to avoid all doubt in this completely undoubtable matter.

Let there be no doubt about it.

This club will not bow to Celtic’s attempts to create an uneven playing field in Scottish football by suggesting that they would be happy to discuss ticket allocations with us.

Our supporters will rightly expect us to issue outraged statements like this one over and over again during the next couple of weeks. We will not let them down.

It is entirely immaterial whether Rangers* Football Club is no position to lecture others about good conduct. We will not stand idly by and fail to make a lot of noise when we could instead be taking up Celtic’s offer to talk to us.

We cannot and will not pander to their completely reasonable and constructive attitude.

[*Mention ‘fiduciary duty’. It sounds impressive*]

For too long Rangers* Football Club has been treated generously by everyone in a position of power. This is not good enough. Everyone at the club demands an even better deal. This historic history-laden club insists that it should be handed everything on a plate. A silver one at that.

Celtic have gone too far in today’s reasonable and non-hostile statement. Enough is enough. We demand to be given a reason – no matter how flimsy – to absolutely lose our shit at the dignified approach of the Parkhead outfit.

BTW Season tickets are still available.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

How To Back A Guaranteed Winner

Good Evening.

The Clumpany doesn’t usually take an interest in gambling, but my good pal Alan – who I haven’t seen in ages – called last night to alert me to “the hottest prospect in the entire history of horse racing.”

Alan tells me that this two year-old, four-legged wonder will be making his debut very soon and is the fastest creature ever to walk the Earth. Or rather blaze across continents faster than you can say ‘whoosh’.

Apparently a Sevco fan in the pub told Alan about the horse and they are absolutely convinced that it is going to clean up in all the big flat races over the next few years.

“You’ve got to tell everyone about this sure-fire thing” said Alan. “Even if they don’t want to back it, they will still love watching it run.”

Intrigued, I asked Alan for more details to pass on to my long-suffering readers, and he duly obliged.

Apparently the horse is called Ashley’s Injunction, and looks like this:

I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking “that doesn’t look like a thoroughbred racehorse. In fact it looks like a pantomime horse.”

Because that’s what I thought, and I told Alan so in no uncertain terms. But he immediately – and indignantly – informed me that his Sevconian contact had explained that it IS a thoroughbred racehorse.

However, owing to ‘sponsorship rules’ it was having to wear an unfamiliar replacement strip. There was absolutely no need to worry about Ashley’s Injunction.

That seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation to me. So pile in and back this thoroughbred with every penny you have!

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Medieval Approach

Siege

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in any attempted newspapers…

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We are a building a fortress here says Arfield 

The Rangers* midfielder saw encouraging signs of fortification during the Light Blues’ truly magnificent 6-0 friendly victory against English high-fliers Bury.

By A. Motte-Bailey

Scott Arfield last night insisted that the Gers’* stylish humiliation of the Shakers was the beginning of something special at Ibrox, and any domestic or Europa League raiders can expect to face intimidation and harsh resistance should they have ambitions of conquering Steven Gerrard’s side.

“You could see it taking shape even before the game” said Arfield.

“Loads of the fans digging a moat around the ground and pissing in it to fill it up. There will be a drawbridge going in over the next few days, and it will be lifted to stop opposition teams getting in. Apparently some local businesses have donated old shelves to make it. It’s an absolutely top class gesture and shows what this club* is all about.”

But the external fortifications are not the only obstacle visiting sides can expect to encounter at Ibrox this season.

“We are going to have archers standing on the roof to fend off anyone who makes it across the moat. I say ‘archers’ but it’s actually the local darts team. They share a set of darts so there are only actually three to throw. But this is a well organised defence that will take no prisoners! That’s what the manager wants and everyone is working hard to make it happen.”

Arfield also confirmed that should anyone evade the archers, a grisly fate awaits them.

“You’ve read about how they used to pour hot tar down on enemies trying to climb the walls? Well, the coaching staff have asked a cafe if they can borrow a hot cup of tea to throw down on the opposition. We couldn’t scrape together the cash to buy it, but thankfully the cafe has said it’s no bother. We just need to call them and the tea is ours. Shipped over from their urn in Belfast. They reckon they could get it to us within a few hours.”

Finally, the former Falkirk and Burnley hero sounded a warning about the Rangers* squad’s long-term commitment to seeing off challenges, no matter where they come from.

“The board wants us to adopt a siege mentality. So the water supply will be cut off and we will have to make what food we have last until the end of May. Unless we decide to eat fringe players who can’t get a game.

“And apparently anyone who complains about it being a cost-cutting exercise may find themselves facing the anger of the Ogre. I think it works as a trainer in the gym or something”.

>>>>>
Meanwhile…

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…
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