Clumpany Matters

Covid-19 Christmas Wishes

Good Evening.

The past two years have been a brutal experience. Even if you haven’t lost a loved one, suffered distressing illness, had your livelihood threatened, or experienced the profound anguish of forced separation from those nearest and dearest to you, you are almost certain to have lived under the shadow of one or more of these.

But if you haven’t experienced any of these things, you have definitely had your day to day life disrupted, which is always an unsettling experience for all but the most emotionally detached.

Covid-19 was and remains a bastard. A bastard which amplifies many people’s long-standing anxieties about their lives and society as a whole -anxieties about the fragility of their relationships, jobs, and the public services which hold society together.

The pandemic has proved particularly shattering for anyone who has been cruelly deprived of the most profound of human contacts – for example those who couldn’t be with family members when they died, who could attend funerals. or who were unable to offer the most basic of comfort and support to relatives and friends in care homes for months on end.

The time will come for reviewing how this crisis has been handled and (as appropriate) for holding to account those who could and perhaps should have done better. But for now, as we head into another Christmas bedevilled by uncertainty about the coming weeks, months and year, The Clumpany can only suggest that we pause, take a look around, and embrace all that is dear to us.

Take a moment to stop, think, and appreciate every single person in your life that is important to you. In fact, think more deeply and appreciate how every single person you know has contributed to – and continues to enhance – your life. They won’t all make a positive contribution at all times, or indeed ever. But they are always there, and the chances are that they too are doing their best to get through each and every day, and are experiencing similar joys, frustrations and sadness as you.

We don’t all have to like each other, and it’s part of our human experience that we will sometimes loathe other people (rightly or wrongly). However, we can and should still share a sense of empathy for others in these profoundly unsettling times.

We can also take a minute to think about those wonderful moments that we all still have, and which we might ordinarily overlook as merely ‘routine’. A quick laugh with our friends – in person or online. The smile and giggle of our children. Or simply appreciating something we see – be it open countryside, the unfolding pages of a good book, or city streets which evoke warming memories.

Thankfully all of these pleasures remain available to us during the pandemic. And – gloriously – they remind us of who and what we are. As such, Covid-19 may disrupt our lives, but it does not fundamentally deprive us of the joy of being human in this crazy but wonderful world.

The Clumpany wishes you all a joyful Christmas. But if Christmas is difficult for you, may you find peace, love and support in equal measure to your need.

This blog is dedicated to Bertie Auld. A man who seemed to personify the joy of life, and whose towering personality was somehow big enough to match the scale of the Lisbon Lions’ achievement.


Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Celtic Fans Caught Firing Protestants Into Space

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in a media outlet near you any time soon…


Don’t tell me sectarianism is a one-way street – my pal has read ‘The Shiteway Code”

Something, something, something deflecting. It’s everyone else’s fault. Stop picking on Rangers* fans and stop trying to have the club fired into space in a giant anti-Protestant cannon.

By I. Crap-Again

First of all I’ll just randomly mention the left-liberal commentariat because, you know, THE LEFT-LIBERAL COMMENTARIAT.

So anyway, people are queuing up to give Rangers* a good kicking because they seem to think the culture and fan behaviour associated with the club* repeatedly results in disgraceful scenes. No matter how tiny the minority is that besmirches the impeccable credentials of the club, these commentators – LEFT-LIBERAL COMMENTATORS – can’t help themselves. They choose to think they can hear and see large numbers of Rangers* fans behaving disgracefully and somehow bringing the reputation of Scottish football and the good name of Scottish civil society into disrepute.


Well let me tell you something based on my experience. These LEFT-LIBERAL and COMMENTARIAT types may see thousands of Rangers* fans behaving in a disorderly fashion, and may hear large numbers singing hate filled songs against Catholics; but don’t tell me it’s a one way street.


I’ve read the Shiteway Code and there’s no such thing as a Sectarian one way street. Not even a ‘cyclists only’ one way Sectarian street.

No. I once stood in the Celtic end at an Old Firm Cup Final. You may remember it. You have the Scottish Cup, the Scottish League Cup and even the Glasgow Cup, but this was the Old Firm Cup. The final. A big occasion. Not as big as the LEFT-LIBERAL COMMENTARIAT, but big nonetheless.

I was standing there with my friend who took me there after I lost a bet. Bet Lynch it was. I’d been in the Rovers Return and Bet said she had the weekend off and had always wanted to go to the Old Firm Cup Final. So I took her. But somehow we got separated on our way to the match. I blame the LEFT-LIBERAL COMMENTARIAT.

But I digress. I was standing in the Celtic end and I heard some lads saying “Give the Protestant Rangers space”. My pal said the fans had rumbled me but were still OK about me squeezing into the packed part of the terrace and had said “give the Protestant Ranger space”.

But I knew better.

They wanted to fire me, Rangers and Protestants into space. With a cannon. A big LEFT-LIBERAL COMMENTARIAT cannon.

So don’t give me this demonisation of Rangers*. This is two way street and there’s a great big space-shooting anti-Protestant cannon trundling down one side of it, having set out from Celtic Park.

And let’s not forget the part that the failures of the Scottish education system and economy have to play in all of this. It’s not Rangers* fans’ fault that significant numbers of them shout obscenities about the Pope and sing ‘The Billy Boys’. They have been left behind by the system. Just like the similar numbers of Celtic fans who… [FFS Quit while you are ahead with the ‘Protestant Space Cannon’ stuff – Ed]


Meanwhile in other news… 😉#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a weary bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Immovable Objects and an Irresistible Farce

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in a so-called ‘newspaper’ any time soon…

Rangers* Stand Really Really REALLY Firm on Kent and Morelos Transfer Fees

Massive Ibrox resistance as Rangers*take a hard line on potential transfer fees for Ryan Kent and Alfredo Morelos.

By O. Sh*te-Again

“Leeds United are expected to return with an improved £14million offer for the Ibrox winger this weekend”. Said no one ever. Apart from our source who was so far from having a straight face in relation to this ‘news’ he looked like that Gestapo bloke after they open the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

But that’s what he said, and let’s face it, if you are are a Rangers* fan you are only here for safe soothing b*llshit, and are happy to ignore the possibility that the club is peddling nonsense to inflate the players’ prices to generate a transfer fee that can get them out of a financial hole that they, you and this attempted newspaper won’t ever acknowledge. And if the players are ever sold, we all get to pretend that Rangers* are a big club whose players carry top prices. Top prices. To be honest, I can’t believe that Rangers* or the media get away with it, but we do. So let’s crack on!

Rangers* are adamant Prince Charming Ryan Kent and Ant Crap Alfredo Morelos will only be sold if potential suitors stand and deliver and give this pretendy paper more excuses to make lame puns. Or if they are paid top dollar for them. Especially if they are US dollars. But Zimbabwean dollars will do given the exchange rate. They could then say that the players had been sold for a hundred-digit fee without word of a lie. Which would be a novelty on all fronts.

Leeds United are expected to return with an improved £14million offer for Kent this week. Why they expect to be able to buy a southern English county for that paltry sum is anyone’s guess, but hopefully someone down there will direct Leeds to Ibrox to spend any loose change they have lying about the place.

Morelos was axed (not sawed, scythed, mowed or composted) from the Rangers* squad after boss Steven Gerrard lost patience with him, and French side Lille look set to renew their interest. Because that’s what often happens isn’t it? An out of condition player downs tools, is publicly called out by his manager and immediately becomes a more attractive proposition to other clubs who haven’t so far managed to produce an actual meaningful bid despite the player being the centre of the biggest multi-platform media sales pitch in the history of sport.

Yeah. That’s definitely right.

Gerrard and the Blue room hierarchy insist they won’t be bullied. Anyone who says that this is handy because – short of Jim Bowen being resurrected – there is no chance of that happening is surely just an online troll. And any keyboard warriors claiming that Rangers’* prize assets will not be sold on the cheap, on the basis that you can’t sell what you don’t have, really ought to take a long hard look at themselves and their tragic, empty Rangers*-hating lives.

“Rangers* are determined to stand firm on this one” said an insider on condition of not being named and associoated with the circus.

“Seriously, a mixer has been sent to the Blue Room and the board have been put up to their knees in quick-setting concrete. They feel sure this will show other clubs how immovable they are. Only big bids will shift them. Or possibly a pneumatic drill when they need the toilet.”

Gerrard has refused to elaborate (because let’s face it, he doesn’t….errrm… really…errrm… do anything… errrm… elaborate does he?) on whether Kent has a release clause in his contract, but Leeds boss Marcelo Bielsa is keen to land him. But not like a fish. Especially one that’s been done up like a kipper.

The Elland Road side had an opening bid turned down last week which was less than £10m up front. But we are unable to confirm quite how much less than £10m it was. Somewhere south of it perhaps. Perhaps the penguins you will pass in heading sufficiently far south will be able to tell you?

Kent is happy at Rangers* but the chance to play in the Premier League and to see his wages almost double could yet twist his arm. Claims that he would twist his own arm off and leave it behind shackled to Rangers* if it meant he could leave quickly have been denied by the club.

Rangers* were adamant last night. Well actually they were an Adam Ant tribute act doing gigs to make a bit of extra money – but as far as we and they are concerned they were the real Adam Ant, then, now and forever! Rangers* also said that there had been no new approach from Leeds.

Meanwhile, there is no change on the Morelos front. If we ignore his expanding stomach. He was left out of the squad for the Kilmarnock game after Gerrard claimed he hadn’t trained properly.

The player’s camp – and his caravan, which was left behind by Pedro Caixhina – claimed he wasn’t in a frame of mind to play. However, he is expected to return to training tomorrow although no one at Ibrox could confirm whether he will do anything while there.

Gerrard is set to make it clear that Morelos will only leave if his valuation is met, with lawyers on standby to formalise the manager’s final divorce from any notion of financial reality at Rangers*. Morelos will also be told that unless he works harder he will spend even more weekends on the sidelines. Morelos is understood to he happy to commit to shrugging his shoulders repeatedly until the blessed day of his transfer out of Ibrox.

Lille will come back in for him according to… errr… well… sources… but will wait to see what the fallout from the weekend is given that Morelos wants to leave. Aye, that must definitely be their plan.

West Brom are keen and there is also interest from Spain and Italy. Not from any football clubs there, just from Spain and Italy. And who can blame them for rubbernecking at this car crash? Morelos also has interest from Al-Duhail but he does not see that as an option because it would jeopardise his international ambitions.

International ambitions.

Well we all have to dream don’t we?

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Neil Lennon

What The Hell Is Going On At Celtic?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has no time for the sanctimonious wibbling of attempted journalists and pundits who ordinarily wouldn’t know the meaning of rules or the concept of ‘the good of the game’ if they poured a bucket of sh*t over their heads and shouted “you are an absolute disgrace you cowardly morons”.

The Clumpany has no time for fans of other clubs taking a pop at Celtic and demanding that the entire first team is beheaded twice and that Celtic Park is turned into a bingo hall. Partisan fans will be partisan. It goes with the territory and I am sure they will get at least as good as they give in due course.

The Clumpany also has no time for the grandstanding of politicians who – although they have a duty to try and steer the country through the Coronavirus crisis – have rarely acted to the benefit of Scottish Football (see Summits, the Offensive Behaviour at Football Act, and a curious attitude to calling a spade a spade when it comes to anti-Irish racism* etc…) [* “Sectarianism” my arse.]

The Clumpany also has no time for Celtic fans who might be inclined to defend the club following the news that Boli Bolingoli flew to Spain, came back, didn’t quarantine and then played against Kilmarnock (although it is open to question whether any Celtic player did actually turn up against Kilmarnock).

However, the Clumpany – as someone who wants the best for Celtic – does have time to point the finger at the club and ask “what the f*ck are you playing at?”

And when I say “the club” I mean the whole enterprise from top to bottom. Clearly no-one can forcibly control the movements and actions of a stupid/ reckless/ irresponsible player at all times. But where something as distuptive as the Boli Bolingoli Balls-Up occurs questions have to be asked about how this happened – especially when the players seem to have been given days off at a time when they are supposedly sharpening up for a testing campaign after a long layoff.

Celtic are very proud of their efforts to be highly professional in all that they do and even mentioned their Coronavirus-related efforts in today’s statement:

“Since the Covid -19 crisis began, we have had a safe and healthy squad of players, recording not one positive test. As a club, we have worked tirelessly to ensure a sustained, safe environment for all.

We have led the way in working with the football authorities and Scottish Government to establish the most rigorous, effective protocols and working practices, which ultimately led to the resumption of football. We could have done no more in this area.”

I have no doubt that what Celtic says about its efforts is true. However. although the apologies offered in the statement are genuinely commendable, their claim that they “could have done no more in this area” is – frankly – laughable. Seriously, it’s embarrassing. Sure, any system is only as good as its weakest element, but Celtic clearly stand humiliated, with their reputation damaged, and their season already massively disrupted through an entirely self-inflicted wound.

Those among the Celtic support who have been quick to blast Budge and Cormack and their managers over their own clubs’ shortcomings (I’ll leave you to find their articles) would do well to ask “what the hell were Lawwell and Lennon doing while this sh*tshow unfolded?”

Make no mistake, this is as close to a crisis as Celtic has been in many years. Everyone at the club – EVERYONE – should be pulling out all the stops to deliver success at all times, but in the face of the current pandemic where the completion of even most of the season is in doubt; and in the context of the possibility of achieving 10-in-a-row, any slipping of standards is pretty unforgivable.

The damage to the reputation of the club, the fixture congestion resulting from the postponements announced today, and the sheer fact that it now feels like we can’t trust the club or players not to fall foul of the Coronavirus rules are all very troubling. As such, the events of recent days should be treated as a calamity by the board, with questions asked from top to bottom, and people held accountable. If this doesn’t happen then people who really should know better are being negligent.

This is no time for half-measures, complacency or seeking solace in a decent-looking balance sheet. Something needs to change to ensure that this never happens again and that the team is put in the best possible position to win the league, win cups and progress in Europe.

I don’t think it is an understatement to say that it looks like Celtic don’t know what they are doing at the moment. You can have the most expensive squad in Scottish football, the best manager in the country, a Chief Executive who is a highly effective operator and network-builder, a board packed full of experienced professionals, a major shareholder who is a genuine billionaire, and a bank balance so big it gets offers to play the Giant in ‘Jack and The Beanstalk’ in pantomime every Christmas, but if a monumental disruptive f*ck-up like the Bolingoli Balls-Up happens on your watch you have to ask yourself how you allowed this to happen. And then get it sorted

So please Celtic, please do some serious hard-headed reviewing, planning, regrouping and soul-searching in very short order. If heads have to roll, and some off-plan spending has to occur then so be it

I for one am not accustomed to feeling embarrassed and worried like this.

I don’t like it.

Will the real Celtic FC please now stand up?


NB I realise that this rare serious blog and its message will not be to everyone’s taste. If you don’t like it and/ or don’t agree then fair enough. But I’ve said my peace and feel better for it. 😉

Satire, Sevco

A Live Sevco Update From A&E

Good Evening.

Appearing in an attempted newspaper near you tomorrow. Maybe. 😉


I Almost Lost My Genitals Swimming In Rangers’* Post-Ashley Gold

Our heroic top correspondent braved the painful consequences of Rangers’* colossal windfall to bring you this exciting update which is certain to put a spring in the step of all Rangers* fans. Including everyone who works here.

By A. Big-Scrape

No journalist could ever turn down the opportunity to “swim in a f*ckload of gold”. Especially when the idea of wearing your trunks is inspired by the world’s most successful club*!

Sitting at my desk one morning I got a call from Rangers* saying that they had got rid of the hated Sports Direct retail contract and had agreed something new which was like swimming in the aforementioned “f*ckload of gold”.

Obviously I saw no need to challenge the assertion and suggested that it would make a great story to actually swim in the gold. The phone line seemed to break up at that point within some sort of coughing sound. But eventually it cleared and the Rangers* official said that “of course you can experience the gold, subject to a couple of conditions”.

Apparently the conditions involved me wearing a blindfold and not picking up the gold, but I thought that was a fair set of terms given that Rangers* were about to reveal their new-found wealth for me to share with their fans.

And so it came to pass that on the appointed day I stood in the shallow end (actually it was the Really Shallow End, which one hateful observer said was appropriate for me), blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back.

But then it happened! The gold came! You might think that the gold would be a big solid immobile weight in the pool, but no! Apparently Rangers* gold is ‘liquid assets’ and can therefore move! And not just to pay off creditors who don’t suffer fools gladly.

I felt the gold brushing against me. It was quite light at first, but when I remarked that I needed to know quite how big an impact Rangers* post-Ashley retail deal was going have, the gold really came to life. Quite painfully so in fact.

I am afraid to say that the occasion got the better of me. Despite what A&E said about my b*llocks somehow being almost fatally scraped underwater by a cheese grater I remain convinced that I was simply overexcited at encountering evidence of quite how thoroughly Rangers* have moved on from the Sports Direct retail deal to swimming in a pool full of gold!

My heartfelt thanks to Rangers* for bestowing upon me the greatest honour and chafing of my life.



NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of satirical fun…


The Sevco/ Sports Direct Puzzle

Good Evening.

The Clumpany couldn’t let Sevco’s final unequivocal divorce from the oppressive yoke of His Big Mikeness pass without comment.

So I have carefully arranged a number of quotes from Sevco fans’ social media and forum posts for your perusal.

As with the apparently glorious Sevco victory over His Big Mikeness, it’s all about the hidden details…


It’s a great day!
Gers* must rejoice!

Mike Ashley has been shown the door!
It’s now fine to splash our cash.
Kits can be bought.
Everything goes to the club!

Savour the jealousy of Scottish football!
All hating Tarriers can f*ck right off.
Yes they can.
Sports Direct should p*ss off too!

Kit deal has humiliated Ashley
Everything’s looking brilliant.
Rangers* have a megabucks shirt deal.
Castore know what we’re worth.
House of Fraser are best ignored.
It’s just Mike Ashley trying it on.
No money is going to Sports Direct.
Gotcha Fat Mike!


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Satire, Sevco, SPFL

The Lawwellsberg Address

Good Evening.

Reports suggested that Peter Lawwell gave a “rousing speech” to yesterday’s virtual SPFL EGM. By pulling a few strings, The Clumpany has been able to get hold of a transcript of his remarks. I hope they inspire you as much as they do me

Four score and fourteen months ago a founder brought forth against Brechin, a new club, conceived in taking liberties, and dedicated to the proposition that both Rangers are created The People.

Now Sevco is engaged in a great toddler strop, testing whether that ‘club’, or any ‘club’ so conceived and so debt-laden, can long endure. We are met in a Zoom call for that strop. We have come to dedicate a portion of our patience as a final resting place for those who here present an embarrassing dossier that Fitba might laugh. We are all together pissing our pants that they should do this.

But, in a wider sense, we can not dedicate – we can not tolerate – we can not allow – this bullsh*t. The crazed men – boardroom and fans – who struggle here, have desecrated Fitba, far above the Compliance Officer’s power to blast or attack. Planet Fitba will little note, nor long remember what you Zoomers say here, but it will never forget what Sevco did here. It is for us the rational, rather, to now undertake here all the ballot casting choices which they who brought us online have thus far so ignobly deserved.

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great vote remaining before us – that for this dishonored Sevco we should pay decreased attention to that cause for which they never had the first measure of dignity – that we here highly resolve that this zombie resolution will die this day – that Planet Fitba, under Lawwell, shall have a new birth of freedom – and that Fitba only of The People, by The People, for The People, shall perish from the earth. Like Rangers did.

With apologies to Abraham Lincoln, here is the original in its varied forms…

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Sevco, SPFL

A Shocking Loan And Bribery Scandal

Good Afternoon.

Probably appearing in a mainstream publication any moment now…


EXCLUSIVE – “Heads must roll” following new SPFL loan and bribery scandal

Rangers* are expected to call for resignations following the latest shocking revelation that Neil Doncaster misled Stewart Robertson about a loan prior to the current lockdown.

By F.F. Sake.

The SPFL was plunged into fresh turmoil last night as details emerged of Rangers’* Managing Director being given incorrect information about the possibility of a loan by Neil Doncaster.

Doncaster is no stranger to loan…advance…err…. loan…err advance…. err LOAN-related controversy. He has recently been the subject of Rangers’* ire following something or other relating to the SPFL vote on ending the 2019-20 season, and it is understood that the latest revelations will be added to the dossier which Rangers* will absolutely definitely and without word of a lie present to SPFL members next week.

“Heads must roll” explained our insider. “The dossier will read like a charge sheet and Doncaster is going down. Especially if he dials into the 12 May EGM from his living room and has to descend from an upstairs room before it starts”.

It is understood that the latest shock news came to light when Stewart Robertson was staring at a blank sheet of paper and a senior member of the Ibrox hierarchy shouted at him “For f*ck’s sake, think of something”.

“And then Stewart had a lightbulb moment!” said our source. “He may be the Managing Director but we are short of cash so he also does a bit of routine maintenance about the place.”

Having changed the broken lightbulb, Robertson recalled an encounter with Neil Doncaster at Hampden in January this year.

“Stewart had been to a meeting and fancied a drink before he left so he went to a vending machine he happened to see. He rummaged in his pocket but found he had no change” reveals our insider.

“But then as luck would have it, Neil Doncaster was passing by and a conversation ensued.

“Stewart asked if he could borrow some money to buy a drink.

‘No problem’ said Doncaster. ‘How much?’

‘£2.4 million please”, stated Robertson. ‘I’ll pay you back in a manner and at a time of my choosing.’

‘What?!’ exclaimed Doncaster. ‘I haven’t got that sort of money to hand , and even if I did, I’d be sacked for lack of competence if I handed it over to you on those terms!’

‘I see’ said Robertson, staring intently at Doncaster. ‘Rangers’* and I are astonished at the SPFL’s out of hand dismissal of a perfectly reasonable request. Could you lend me £1 instead then? I’m gasping.’

‘Of course!’ beamed Doncaster. He reached into his pocket and pulled out two 50p coins.

‘What’s this?’ asked Robertson. ‘I asked if you could lend me £1.’

‘And there you are’ said Doncaster. ‘£1, the machine takes 50ps so you will be fine.’

‘I’m afraid that’s not acceptable to me or to Rangers*’ muttered Robertson darkly. ‘The integrity of my drink purchase is at stake. Now, can you or can you not lend me £1 for the drink?’

‘Hold on a minute’ said Doncaster, delving into his pockets again. ‘Ah, here you are Stewart. £1 but no 50ps!’

‘What’s that?’ said Robertson with a tone of disgust in his voice.

‘It’s five 20p coins’ explained Doncaster ‘£1. The machine will accept them. Enjoy your drink Stewart’.

‘I’m afraid that Rangers* and I are extremely disappointed by the partial and inaccurate information that you have provided Neil’ scowled Robertson.

‘What do you mean?’ asked Doncaster utterly bewildered.

‘Rangers* and I are aghast at the poor communication from the SPFL and its lack of probity in dealing with my perfectly reasonable request which was made in the interests of the game as a whole” explained an annoyed Robertson.

‘Look Stewart’ said Doncaster. I can lend you a pound for a drink, but I don’t have a POUND COIN. I don’t see that it makes any difference.’

‘Rangers* and I are alarmed by the SPFL’s unwillingness to listen to us in an even handed way’ said Robertson raising his voice. ‘I wish to call for an independent review of your part in this shambolic vending machine crisis’.

‘Well Stewart that’s your prerogative, but an independent investigation wouldn’t be the best use of anyone’s time or money’ explained Doncaster. ‘How about I just buy you the coffee instead?’

‘Ah so now you are bribing Rangers* and me to drop our concerns’ gasped Robertson. ‘That is a very grave matter indeed…'”

The SPFL has been approached for a comment on these latest bombshell revelations.

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun. Real life is much stranger.

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

A Surprise Radio Guest

Good Morning.

I could have sworn that I heard this on the radio recently…

Presenter: “Ah that last item brought back some memories. Rangers’ 9-in-a-row will live forever! Heroes to a man. We’ll return to Rangers’ brilliance on the field a little later and discuss how Scottish football deprived them of the 2008 UEFA Cup by not extending the season. The b*stards.”

Pundit: “Didn’t that season actually finish on a Thur…”

Presenter: “Sorry, I have to cut you off there. In fact we are now muting all the mics except mine and one for a very special surpise guest. The rest of the guys on the show have no idea we are about to do this, but I am sure they will enjoy it as much as me.

“As you all know, Rangers* have been vocal in calling out the SPFL’s handling of the resolution to end the season in which Dundee played the hokey cokey with their vote.

“The SPFL announced that an independent inquiry carried out by Deloitte had found no evidence of wrongdoing. But Rangers* have responded by saying ‘no wrongdoing my arse’ and have called for a general meeting to discuss and vote upon the matter. They say that General Meeting is prepared to park his tanks on the SPFL’s lawn and that they have the support of other clubs. We don’t know who those clubs are, but sources close to this programme have told us that General Meeting may have support from Major Cock-Up, so that could be Hearts given how their season has gone.

“Right. Time for our suprise guest who has the inside track on this saga, and who can hopefully shed some light on what happens next. Welcome to the programme Sooty! How are you doing Sooty?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “That’s good to hear Sooty. I hope Sweep and Soo are keeping well.”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “That’s great Sooty. Have you still got that signed picture of Barry Ferguson on the wall?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “Brilliant Sooty. What a player eh?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “Anyway we were hoping to get your take on the SPFL vote row. Do you agree with Rangers* that the whole thing stinks to high Heaven and that there should be an independent inquiry?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “I thought so. Quite right too Sooty. Quite right.”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “What’s that Sooty? You think it’s all an elaborate plot to gerrymander a vote to ensure that Celtic get a tainted title? Strong words, but I can’t imagine any right-thinking people disagreeing with you.”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “And you also think it is very revealing that Mr Mander’s first name is ‘Gerry’? Well I think people will draw their own conclusions there, Sooty.”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “And you feel there is no option but for Neil Doncaster and Murdoch MacLennan to be suspended. From a great height?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “And you think Scottish football is a cesspit of corruption solely focused on doing Rangers* down? And that only the noble Rangers* board can save the inegrity of the sport in this truly dark hour?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “Well I think a lot of poeple will agree with you Sooty. Any final thoughts before you have to go?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “‘No Surrender’ eh Sooty? I think that is a sentiment that will chime with many of our listeners, and is a great thought to leave us on. Thanks for joining us Sooty!”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “That was Sooty there, calling it as he sees it. Let’s just bring in the other lads now and ask for their reaction to Sooty.”

Pundit: “What was Sooty doing on here? What value is added by an empty headed puppet with nothing to say other than blindly promoting the latest nonsense coming out of Ibrox? It’s absolutely rid…”

Presenter: “I’m afraid I have to stop you there, as we need to move on to the 2008 season. Joining me on the line to discuss how Rangers were shamefully treated by spiteful forces in Scottish football is Marina from Stingray….”

NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of satirical fun and could never happen in real life…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Guest Blog: Dobbin The Horse Discusses Alex Rae


Hang on a minute. Is this translator device working now.?


No, it’s nae working. Or do I mean neigh working?

Ah, maybe it IS working now. Let’s see if I can get this written before the translator breaks down. I guess I’ll just have to write this on the hoof…

F*cking hell it’s hard being a horse. Especially when you get donkeys muscling on in on your territory.

Anyway. Alex Rae. Veteran of an inexplicable number of media outlets, and always seemingly happy to play the role of the world’s only pantomime horse where both ends are an arse. 😉 What’s he like? No one is going to mistake him for a STABLE genius like Donald Trump are they, that’s for sure…

Apparently he said something today about how if the Champion Hurdle was run over the length of his EBT documentation and everyone fell over before the end, there wouldn’t be enough bodies left lying there to cover up the full scale of the cash that could have gone to public services if only dead Rangers had paid a proper share of taxes like everyone else.

Because of Celtic.

Or something.

To be fair, he has a point. I know this because – as a horse – I know manure when I see it. Although if one of my equine pals produced horsesh*t quite like Mr Rae I’d be telling them to get themselves down to the vet pretty sharpish to have themselves checked out.

Anyway, on to football, as I hear Mr Rae likes to talk about it. On behalf of the horse community I would just like to say neigh! No really. I want to say ‘neigh’. I’ll turn the translator off for that bit or it might get confused and I’ll end up apparently saying some random nonsense like “I can’t see past Rangers* for the title this season”. And no one wants to appear like that much of an idiot in a public forum do they?

As I was saying, I say NEIGH to Alex Rae. I don’t know what he thought he had been watching when he made his comments today, but I can definitively state that no horses have been involved in Scottish football this season. Especially falling ones. Mr Morelos may go down in the box like an attention seeking imposter at the Spanish Riding School, and he may appear to have been eating like a horse of late, but he definitely ISN’T an actual horse.

Some people might say that Mr Rae was making a highly partisan point about stopping Celtic from winning the league because he doesn’t like them and would love to see their march to nine and possibly ten in a row stopped at any cost. But I say that this suggestion can’t possibly be entirely true. Mr Rae doesn’t even know Ann let alone go to any of her parties. 😉

Mr Rae may want to see Celtic deprived of a title through some sort of… err… horseplay however.

On behalf of the entire horse community I would like to conclude by inviting Mr Rae to stick to things he knows about. However I suspect that this suggestion might end up with him wandering round aimlessly with a tube of unused superglue in his hand.😉

So I will simply sign off by saying the following. Hey Rae. Neigh!


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun at the expense of the circus that is Scottish football…