Gerrard, Media, Satire, Sevco

Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff

Good Evening.

Probably appearing in all newspapers in the coming days…

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Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff At Rangers*

The Kop-tastic Kop Legend will do stuff at Rangers* according to our carefully selected and on-message vacuous pundits.

By A. Space-Filler

New Rangers* manager Steven ‘That Night In Istanbul’ Gerrard will do various unspecified things that will help the Ibrox side to play football. Maybe.

That is the shocking verdict of various People with absolutely no meaningful insight to offer when we phoned and asked them to make positive noises to fill column inches and sell a feel-good fable to the Rangers* fans.

However, the most astonishing news – which will surely strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players – is the confidence of one former Rangers legend that “Aye, Rangers* will be looking to get a bit closer this season”.

Gerrard has wasted no time in signing players that had absolutely nothing to do with him, and this gives one former player (who unexpectedly cited ‘self-respect’ in agreeing his pre-scripted anonymous ‘quote’) supreme confidence that the Liverpool Kop-licious legend is on to a winner.

“Look at the exciting start Gerrard has made at Rangers* ” said the ex-pro. “He’s doing stuff. And that can only be a good thing. Can I leave your paper to say stuff like ‘back to where they belong’? Only I am due to play golf this afternoon and need to get going.”

This startling perspective was endorsed by another former footballer who pleaded with us to “keep my name off this shite”.

“Say what you like about him. PLEASE! Just don’t say I helped you with it! But Stevie G – that’s the sort of affected familiarity you are looking for, isn’t it? – Stevie G didn’t get where he is today without trying to do stuff.

“And I am sure that he will do stuff at Rangers*.

“Brendan Rodgers is probably sitting there now thinking ‘Stevie G – he’ll be managing Rangers* next season’.

“That’s the sort of impact you are looking for when hiring Stevie G. You are looking for people to say ‘I see they have appointed Stevie G.’

“And in those terms, you can only say that the Rangers* board has played an absolute blinder by getting Stevie G in.”

This overwhelming endorsement was confirmed by the views of Rangers* fans who participated in our exclusive online poll yesterday. 100% of them said YES they DO believe that Steven Gerrard will do stuff at Rangers* this season.

When asked about the results of our survey and the views of our sources, a Rangers* spokesperson said “Bring me Solo and the Wookie… errr… well done, that’s just the sort of narrative we were hoping for.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

Genuine Savile Row Clothes

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to make it known that the jacket I am wearing is from Savile Row. It is a unique, high quality jacket, designed and made by one of the finest tailors in the world.

My jacket is extraordinarily classy. In fact it is so magnificent that the Savile Row emporium views it as the absolute pinnacle of their achievements and wants the whole world to see it. As such, they are paying me millions of pounds a year to wear it in the hope that their will be a tsunami of orders for replica jackets from amongst the Clumping millions.

Honest.

I would also like to take this opportunity to quash the rumours that a well-known pound shop has been selling shite clipart and picture editing software which makes it easy for a down-at-heel ethereal entity to brand itself and present a pretty desperate image to the world.

My jacket is the only show in Fitba’s Sartorial Town, and anyone who suggests that it is actually widely-available generic attire that can be picked up quite cheaply is clearly a hater.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to my tailor. I am going for 55 jackets.

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Meanwhile in other news… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, Clumpany Matters

Taking The Alternative View

Good Evening.

I have no personal interest in the compensation-related issue which has excited many a Celtic fan today. I don’t have any inside knowledge, and I am not writing this blog to order.

I am simply calling it as I see it, and if you think my view is a steaming pile of horseshit, I’m relaxed about it.

So here is something to ponder…

If folk read about a Sevco fan refusing to challenge the ‘club’ over an alleged health and safety issue out of ‘Loyalty’, they would roundly mock the apparent kowtowing to their ‘betters’ in the directors’ box.

They would laugh out loud at the very idea that someone might not seek redress for alleged injury and any subsequent impact on their lives. They would also scoff at the notion of not asking questions about match day safety because it might raise awkward issues for the ‘club’.

And in laughing at the Sevco fan they would probably feel very fortunate indeed to be part of a fan base that doesn’t show blind deference to people just because they wear a club tie.

We are blessed to have a country where resolution and redress can be sought through due process. What sort of place would it be to live in if people were shouted down – and worse – just because of who they wished to challenge?

I’ll tell you. It would be a really shite place to live.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the alleged ‘fan v Celtic’ issue which is getting so many people excited. Nor do I want to know. It is the business of the people involved. They owe people outside the scope of the dispute absolutely no information whatsoever, even if aspects of it play out in public via the courts. They are private citizens and they can deal with the issue as they see fit.

If you feel angry about their actions, that’s fine. But don’t abuse them for looking out for themselves when they feel that they have a problem to resolve. There isn’t a single person on this planet who won’t have prioritised their health and well-being above all other considerations at some point in their lives.

Instead of wishing them ill and hoping for the failure of the ventures which give them a livelihood, why not just simply decide not to buy anything from them in future? And why not unfollow them on social media?

I prefer to live and let live in these sort of matters rather than suddenly transform into the sort of Sevco fan that bewilders, appalls and amuses us on a regular basis.

But you must make your own choice

#KeepOnClumping

Gerrard, Media, Satire

A Complete And Utter Piss-Take

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s papers…

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An Early Splash Of Success

The new Rangers* manager is relieved to have started climbing the bladder of success at a remarkably early stage of his Ibrox-based managerial career.

By A. Wee-Dribble

Rangers* fans were beside themselves with joy last night as they learned that their new stellar manager Steven ‘Still Getting His Coaching Badges’ Gerrard had bonded with some of his squad prior to him taking up his brown-brogued role.

The stunning news that the one-time Champions League winner had caused folk to think about Rangers’* assault on the Europa League sent the Light Blue Legions into entirely understandable raptures.

Eyewitnesses confirm that Gerrard had been going for a long-delayed piss after several pints and a protracted discussion about the futility of Sportsound, when the force of his urine stream caused a spectacular bounce-back off the urinal and on to the trainers of one of the Rangers* players who happened to be staying at the same hotel.

“You could see it as clear as day”, said our source. “Proper ‘Gerrard’ piss found its way on to the footwear of one of his squad.”

“You could see the bond he already has with the Rangers* first team squad, as well as his existing deep knowledge of the game by the way he said to the player ‘Sorry mate’ and by the way that the splashed victim said ‘no bother’.”

“I don’t count co-efficient points” continued our insider, “but if the Europa League takes any account of piss-giving, or indeed piss-taking, Rangers* are laughing all the way to a humiliating exit in a slightly later round this season.”

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Meanwhile, in other news… Gerrard gets a head start in Europa League mission

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Satire, Sevco, SFA, SPFL

A Disgraceful Conflict Of Interest

Good Afternoon.

It has come to The Clumpany’s attention that large numbers of administrators in the SFA and SPFL are fatally compromised.

Definitely.

Well, probably.

No definitely.

Maybe.

F*ck it, they are all clearly as guilty as sin.

The really bad sort of sin.

Not the ‘administrative oversight’ or the ‘imperfectly sinful’ sort of sin.

I mean the bloody outrageous, banged-to-rights sort of sin.

The sort of sin that would cause Satan to blush were his burning skin not already bright red.

I speak of an absolutely appalling conflict of interest which means that the Hampden top brass has to resign en masse.

Let me explain.

You know Celtic share-owning Celtic supporter and Celtic board member, Dermot ‘Celtic Man’ Desmond?

Yes that’s him there. Flagrantly associating with Celtic players as if there is no tomorrow.

Well let me tell you something about Dermot Desmond. And you might want to sit down for this as it is a truly shocking revelation.

Dermot Desmond likes golf.

[*Gasp*]

In fact, Dermot Desmond PLAYS golf.

[*Swoon*]

Look, there he is.

Oh and there he is again, looking very pleased with himself, and practically bringing football into disrepute.

It is Dermot Desmond’s golfing activities that have compromised the Hampden top brass.

Do you know how?

I’ll tell you.

Because folk who work at the SFA and SPFL also play golf.

Not necessarily with Dermot Desmond. In fact almost certainly NOT with Dermot Desmond.

But they play golf. And that’s practically a smoking gun in terms of a conflict of interest.

You can easily imagine an SFPL or SFA officer lining up a putt on the 18th green and thinking to themselves “Dermot Desmond also plays golf. When I get back to the office I must rig Scottish football to give Celtic an unfair advantage.”

It’s a disgrace, so it is!

Before anyone asks, no I don’t have any evidence of which Scottish football administrators play golf. Nor do I have any proof of what they think about, or whether they act on their thoughts.

It’s clearly far better to revel in the attention to be gained from throwing out accusations.

So, all in all it would be best for Scottish football for these conflicted people with golfing links to Dermot Desmond to be thrown out of the game.

And for Dave King to be put in charge.

After all, he’s famous for being a caddy and thereby completely removed from the terrible golf-playing taint.

Isn’t he? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a satire on the week’s piss-poor real-life comedy…

Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

Putting Timmy In His Place

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany just had a call from my good pal Alan. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him for ages…

He’d been out and about and saw Dave King! Apparently Dave was outside a derelict bank and sitting on a rotting wooden bird sh*t-covered bench. A couple of passing Sevco and Celtic fans asked him what he was doing there and Dave explained that he was waiting to open a bank account, but there was an unfortunate 500 mile long queue and it was going to take ages to be served.

Dave further explained that given the likely wait he was just resting his legs by sitting on this lovely comfy sofa.

“Good for you Dave! Keep up the good work. We are the People!” said then Sevco fan in reply.

“Hang on a minute.” said the Celtic fan. “That’s not even a bank. It’s just an empty crumbling building!”

“Obsessed!” shouted the Sevco fan.

“And anyway, you don’t actually need to go to into a bank to open an account.” continued the bemused Celtic supporter.”

“Piss off Timmy. You wouldn’t understand. I blame the schools Dave!” bellowedthe beetroot-faced citizen of Sevconia.

“And another thing!” said our Hooped hero. “There is no queue and that’s not a sofa. It’s an old bench that’s been there for decades.”

“Why don’t you concentrate on your own team?”, yelled the increasingly agitated Bear.

“I’m only pointing out the obvious and suggesting that all might not be as first suggested” said the the Celtic fan, still smiling from the club’s historic Double Treble. “Doesn’t that concern you?”

“Paedo!” said the Sevco fan, still deeply troubled at not getting a ticket for the Light Blues’ Petrofac Cup win a few seasons back.

“OK Billy”, said Timmy in a conciliatory tone. “Let’s calm down shall we? I’ll tell you what, I’ve got some Buckie here. Why don’t we sit down on this bench, have a quick drink and show that there are no hard feelings?”

Suddenly Dave King spoke up. “Owing to unprecedented demand from our own supporters, Celtic fans will not be able to sit here.”

“But I’ve sat on that bench loads of times in the past!”, exclaimed Timmy. “And there’s something in it for you if I sit there again. You get the benefit of my Buckie! You too Billy.”

“I’m sorry, but this seat is taken by Rangers* supporters”, said Dave, gesturing to Billy to sit down on the bench.

Billy was beside himself with glee as he lowered his ample arse on to the creaking timber: “Fuck you Timmy! Piss off! Cheers Dave! We really are the People aren’t we?”.

Timmy shrugged his shoulders and went off to drink his Buckie and attend the latest of several dozen planned parties to celebrate Celtic’s continuing domination of Scottish football.

Billy leaned back on the bench feeling that all was well with the world, when suddenly Dave spoke to him again…

“It’s good to have you on board. That seat will cost you about £11m” said Dave. “Do you have the cash with you now?”

Billy fainted.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of satirical fun in relation to the craziness of Scottish football…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Only ‘Shaking’ Titles Count

Good Evening .

The Clumpany has been deep in emergency conversion with a group of Sevco fans and feels compelled to update you on the outcome

The conclave was hastily-convened to consider the merits of Celtic winning an unprecedented Scottish double-Treble.

It had come to my attention that both residual Rangers fans AND follow-Followers of Sevco had been suggesting that Celtic had achieved nothing of note.

Somewhat surprised by this greater-than-usual display of f*ckwittery, I asked the assembled company to explain what it would actually take for Celtic to deliver a valid footballing achievement given that titles won without an Ibrox club in the top flight are seemingly worthless, and two Trebles won while the latest version of Rangers is competing for Premiership honours are apparently tainted.

The answer I received was – to be fair – unambiguous. Apparently titles won by Celtic are not valid if Rangers* are in the top flight, or if they are out of the top flight.

Apparently titles only count if Celtic are shaking it all about in a manner of Sevco fans’ whim-based choosing.

I asked for clarification of what proof of the above-mentioned ‘shaking’ would actually look like, but was told that I am ‘obsessed’.

There is no arguing with that sort of ‘logic’, is there?!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…