Media, Satire

Having Rangers’ Sh*t On Your Doorstep

Good Evening.

The Clumpany loves a bit of gossip about the Scottish sports media’s finest.

Here is a completely made up bit of ‘news’ which reached me from a contact at the Level Gutter agency.

Apparently the journalist in question has been having a bit of trouble with a neighbour’s dog. The neighbour is a Sevco fan and has a dog called ‘Rangers’. The neighbour says that it’s the same dog as the one which sadly passed away in 2012, but that’s not central to this particular blog.

The dog is – frankly – a bit hostile to everything, and not widely-liked in the neighbourhood, but it’s owner loves him.

Unfortunately, like it’s ‘same’ predecessor, it has a terrible habit of coming to the journalist’s house and sh*tting all over the doorstep.

Pretty much every day the hapless journalist steps outside, believing that everything will be OK after a previous unfortunate incident that is best forgotten… and then SQUELCH! The journalist treads in Rangers’ sh*t!

All day people catch a whiff of something that the journalist really ought to do something about. But no matter how many times it is pointed out to them they just carry on regardless, get up the following day and SQUELCH! The same things happens again.

Now, you might think that the journalist ought to deal with the issue of Rangers’ unrelenting defecation on their patch. But no. Apparently they have far more important matters to shout about!

Instead of advocating a cleansing of Rangers’ sh*t, they get strangely worked up about a cat sh*tting on a doorstep in a completely different neighbourhood, and a pigeon crapping in a foreign country.

Indeed they are often heard exclaiming that “It’s disgraceful that no one is cleaning up that mess and making sure it can never happen again”.

But for some unknown reason, Rangers’ sh*t is of absolutely no interest to them! Despite it actually sticking to their shoe every day.

Why on Earth could that be?

Let’s just hope that our canine friend ‘Rangers’ doesn’t come back to bite the journalist on the arse!

Woof woof!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, SPFL

Celtic’s Complacency Trap

Good Evening.

Celtic are an absolute shoe-in to win the league this and every season, aren’t they? And the evidence of the past two campaigns suggests that if they get themselves organised they can win a cup or two most years.

With their financial resources, top boardroom executives, quality manager, massive fan base, large stadium and talented players, no other side in Scotland can hope to compete over the course of a season.

Celtic are bound for 10-in-a-row and beyond, and the only point of interest each season is if they can negotiate the banana skin-laden endurance test of the Champions League qualification marathon.

These are great times for Celtic, as the club reaps the rewards of years of sustainable building, by having an operation and cash which absolutely dwarfs the minnow-like domestic opposition.

Woo hoo!

The above is the sort of view that is easy to adopt – either consciously and arrogantly, or subconsciously (perhaps because you have never known or have forgotten hard footballing times). And to a large degree it is quite a rational point of view to hold when you look at financial statistics, player transfers and wages, and results on the pitch over the past few years.

But it is a view that is absolute b*llocks of the highest order.

Worse than that, it is downright dangerous. Because it leads to people taking their eye off the ball, becoming complacent, and not doing everything they can to maximise the resources at their disposal.

And that way lies the path to defeat. Perhaps even deserved defeat. It leads to the loss of titles and humiliation As well as the potential loss of access to Champions League football.

“Surely Celtic could never fall into that trap?'” I hear you ask. “And even if they did start losing games they have enough to keep winning the title every year, don’t they?”.

Well, it’s too early to say that they are falling into that trap. However, you only have to look at

  • the club’s transfer activity over the summer,
  • some truly limp performances domestically and in Europe; and
  • the sometimes obvious unhappiness of the manager and his sudden diminished ability to fire up the team and win tactical battles week in and week out
  • …to wonder if some sort of rot is setting in.
  • Can anyone observing Celtic over the past few months honestly say that the club – from boardroom to football pitch – looks hungry enough? Does it look as though every sinew is being strained to maximise the on-pitch outcome while not stupidly imperilling the balance sheet?

    I would say that it doesn’t look like that. The root of all of this is open to debate.

    It could be the board’s failure to properly back the manager, it could be the manager suddenly finding he has taken the squad he largely inherited as far as he can and is devoid of miracle-working ideas, or it could be players not having the drive or tactics to ‘go again’ and demolish better-organised opponents for yet another season.

    Whatever the case, the Celtic FC we see on the pitch most games is not the Celtic FC that should be out there with the energy, quality, drive, creativity and perseverance to win and keep on winning in a variety of ways week after week.

    Victories and titles have to be earned no matter how big or good you are. They require everyone to be pulling in the same direction, maximising every strength and minimising every weakness. Every season should be seen as a fresh start and every game should be seen as a renewed challenge. NOTHING should ever be taken for granted if you want to be Champions.

    I am not sure the Celtic FC of 2018-19 is operating in this way. Yet.

    So I end this attempted blog with two questions for the Celtic board, manager, staff and players:

    1. How badly do you want to win the SPFL Premiership (and hopefully the cups) this season?
    2. How are you going to maximise your chances of doing so each and every day?

    If all concerned are not able to answer these questions by singing from the same hymn sheet, then some senior folk perhaps need to think about walking away sooner rather than later.

    HH.

    #KeepOnClumping

    Satire, SFA

    How Rangers FC Was Shafted In 2008

    Good Evening.

    Further to a number of non-stories from Scottish sport’s most self-respecting journalists and reputation-conscious media outlets, The Clumpany has been given some devastating information about the activities of a “prominent chairman of a club”* at the end of season 2007-8. [* NB the person concerned specifically asked that I refer to the ‘guilty’ party in this way as a tribute to those who – despite busting a gut to create a media frenzy – still can’t string a coherent sentence together].

    Apparently – back in the day – the prominent chairman of a club sat down to watch the 2008 UEFA Cup Final and said “I hope Zenit give absolutely no help to Rangers”.

    What an absolute disgrace, eh?

    And when Zenit St Petersburg scored their opening goal against the club that former SFA Presidents will pretend is somehow inhabiting Sevco, they leapt out of their seat and said “This is a fantastic display of giving no help to Rangers. I sincerely hope that the Russians fail to render assistance to Rangers for the remainder of this fixture.

    “And – thinking ahead – I really hope that goal ends up upsetting BBC Scotland presenters and pundits, as well as the staff of the Daily Record for the rest of eternity. If not longer! Woo f*cking hoo!”

    The Clumpany is sure that my long suffering readers will be gasping with horror at this shameful display by a prominent chairman of a club.

    But it gets worse.

    Because when the second, winning, Zenit goal went in against the Dual Contract All Stars the prominent chairman of a club apparently punched the air and said “Help? You need a f*cking miracle to get out of this anti-football abyss Rangers!”

    And then the prominent chairman of a club picked up the phone to call George Peat and tried to leave a message saying “Mwahahahahhahaha! There’s no helping Rangers now is there? Is there George?!

    “Still, it’s only a small matter in the grand scheme of things isn’t it George? There’s a national sport to be run. A national sport with a big and explicit rulebook which is clear about declaring the terms of player contracts.

    “Isn’t there George?

    “Let me know if the SFA and Rangers need any HELP with it.”

    If this isn’t devastating evidence of a prominent chairman of a club executing an anti-Rangers conspiracy to deprive them of European glory, what is?

    #KeepOnClumping

    NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of sarcastic fun..

    Scottish Football, SFA

    Stop Complaining, The SFA Is Right

    Good Evening.

    The Clumpany noted with some mirth that the manager of Kilmarnock and the statement writer of Aberdeen FC have spoken out about horrendously inconsistent decision making by the SFA-overseen disciplinary process this season.

    To be fair to them, they have a point.

    The sort of point that is so correct that it could be used as the International Standard Measurement of Correctness for the rest of time.

    To outside observers with the capacity to hold a rational thought, the SFA’s disciplinary processes are a complete and utter joke. Much like the governing body itself and and every last apparent arrogance-infused cell of its blazer-wearing time-servers and other seemingly untouchables. Indeed, some might say that they are an embarrassment to the very concept of sport, administration and sports administration.

    But so what? Aberdeen, Kilmarnock and the massed ranks of the gullible folk who buy tickets for SFA-administered Cup and international fixtures can bleat, whine, stamp their feet, and throw as many toys out of the pram as they like. It will make no difference whatsoever, and they are embarrassing themselves if they pretend otherwise.

    Because until the day dawns when fans stop giving money to the SFA and (more importantly) a sufficient number of clubs take an organised collective stand against the SFA (as well as the SPFL for a host of reasons), absolutely nothing will change. NOTHING.

    Until that happens, the SFA is entirely justified in making the sort of statement it issued last night.

    SFA release statement after spotlight aimed at judicial panel

    The SFA is quite clearly implementing and administering processes that have been signed off by its members following their involvement in their design. Processes that give the SFA a large amount of latitude and don’t make it easy to review the consequences.

    The SFA doesn’t even have the clubs over a barrel. They have their tacit consent for what they are doing! So why on Earth should the SFA ever change any aspect of what it does?

    There is an argument which says that even if a good number of larger SPFL clubs took a stand against the SFA nothing would change because the majority of the SFA’s voting members aren’t (for example) even members of the SPFL.

    This argument is more than reasonable!

    When Celtic called for a review of the governance of Scottish football during the Rangers tax case sagas, Stewart Regan pointed out that he had 100+ members and only one of them had called for a review. This may have been true but it pointed to the scope for the SFA to hide behind (and for people seeking election to the top offices in Scottish football to rely upon the votes of) a large number of amateur outfits.

    I personally would argue that it is a complete nonsense that a large number of SFA members outside the SPFL can wield such disproportionate influence in an era of high stakes TV negotiations and Scottish football seeking any ‘USP’ it can find to stand out from the ‘obscenely’ rich leagues around Europe.

    I would like to see Scotland’s professional clubs (including the Ibrox outfit) doing whatever it takes – including threatening boycotts of the Scottish Cup and the withdrawing of players from the Scotland squad – to bring about the end of the 19th Century structures of the SFA. Because then we might stand a chance of getting a professional approach to the future development of the national sport as a whole.

    However, pending that unlikely miracle occurring, I have no doubt that if a significant number of the bigger clubs in Scotland could present a united front to the SFA and say ‘enough is enough – stop making excuses and sort yourselves out’, and could press for specific steps to be taken, it would make the SFA squirm and make it more difficult for them to hide behind process and ‘their members’.

    Sadly I fear that hell will freeze over before Celtic, Aberdeen, Hearts, Hibs, Kilmarnock (and even Sevco in some circumstances) can even begin to agree on a few points of common concern that can be put to the SFA as non-negotiable. Nor do I think that any of them have the guts to actually stand firm on any point of principle either individually or collectively.

    Until that changes they have zero chance of effecting change. And – frankly – right now, they don’t deserve change.

    As a result they should simply ‘suck it up’ and hope enough fans remain blindly loyal enough to go along with them for the money-spinning ride…

    #KeepOnClumping

    Celtic, Satire

    Celtic’s World Beating Transfer Window

    Good Morning.

    The Clumpany was happy to pick up an award on behalf of the Celtic board last night.

    I’ll be honest, it always seemed unlikely that the Celtic board would ever deputise me to stand in for them. But last night my luck was in!

    Woohoo!

    The Clumpany was invited to attend the twice-yearly Scottish Transfer Window Awards and pick up a prize which the Celtic hierarchy suspected was coming their way.

    So off I trooped – wearing my best photoshopped blazer and sombrero – and took my allocated place at the gala awards dinner!

    I won’t lie. I expected my dinner plate to be overflowing with exciting – if well researched and reasonably priced – offerings.

    But sadly it wasn’t. To be honest it was a bit disappointing.

    Unexpectedly, a member of the Celtic board called me halfway through the meal to say how much they valued my unwavering long-term support. They asked me if I wouldn’t mind enjoying my meal anyway, and they strangely hung up when I said “no” and started asking them awkward questions!

    Fancy that!

    Making the best of it, I ploughed on with my somewhat lacklustre meal and kept watching and listening for the announcement of the prestigious award which I was there to collect!

    And finally my moment came!

    Following the award of “Best Piss-Take In Scottish Football” to… well basically the entire mainstream media and Neil Doncaster, I was invited up to accept the award for “Scotland’s Most Remarkable Summer Transfer Window”.

    As I walked up to accept the prize I found myself flanked by people wearing Peter Lawwell masks and blowing swanee whistles as if they were providing the sound effects to a Carry On film when something really embarrassing happens.

    I can’t think why the organisers would have done that.

    Nevertheless, when I reached the stage I was duly presented with an award which contained the citation:

    “To the Celtic board for pulling off the almost impossible when they had so much cash to spend and a fantastic manager to spend it.”

    I thought it was a lovely gesture. Especially as it unexpectedly came with a DVD box set of ‘The Muppet Show’.

    >>>>>>

    #KeepOnClumping

    Celtic, Satire, Sevco

    The Gap Is Finally Narrowing

    Good Evening.

    A few days ago, The Clumpany put an anvil and a racehorse next to each other.

    I painted the anvil light blue. I got the paint cheap in a fire sale of someone’s assets, but thought it would probably catch the eye of some People if deployed in a pandering sort of way. I will admit that I originally envisaged a ‘panda’ing sort of way’ but the panda said “f*ck that. If I am heading towards extinction I want to preserve some self respect for posterity. You are not painting ME light blue.”

    Which was fair enough. So I just painted the anvil instead.

    I then plaited green and white ribbons into the mane and tail of the racehorse and it looked absolutely champion. So much so that seven times in a row I said to myself “that horse looks champion.”

    And then, all of a sudden the racehorse darted off into the distance like the classy thoroughbred it is. My Lord I have never seen such speed. Neither had the crowd of 59,000 folk who had gathered to cheer it on, and who were wearing similar green and white attire.

    Meanwhile, the light blue anvil sat there seemingly immobile.

    I say ‘seemingly’ because a passing group of 800 People wearing light blue to show their support of the dead weight started cheering it on and claiming that the gap between the anvil and the horizon-reaching racehorse was actually narrowing.

    I took issue with them and said that the thoroughbred was so far ahead that the anvil could never catch it. They said something about me being a ‘hater’, and before I could reply someone jumping a shark in an evening intervened and said “The gap is narrowing. That is all you need to believe. Did I say ‘believe’? I meant ‘know’. Forget I said ‘believe’. The FACT is that the gap is narrowing. That expensively-assembled anvil is going to beat the racehorse over the course of a season.

    “No really”.

    As you can imagine, I was utterly convinced by their argument…

    >>>>>>

    #KeepOnClumping

    Satire, Sevco, SFA

    Beheading For Sevco!

    Good Evening.

    Surely The Clumpany will hear this on the radio in the not-too-distant future?!

    >>>>>>

    Presenter: “And joining us in the studio to discuss Allan McGregor’s ludicrous non-brush with the authorities are a completely sensible ex-Rangers player and some random commentator who we are having to entertain under sufferance. Let me first turn to you ex-Rangers star. Do you agree that the Compliance Officer is right not to seek sanctions against our pal Allan McGregor?”

    Ex Rangers (or Sevco) player (ERSP): “Allan did absolutely nothing wrong! He was just looking after his goal. There is no reason to haul him before the SFA beaks. Even though I agree with those who say that comparing SFA folk with parts of a duck is silly”.

    Random Commentator: “Well that’s an interesting point of view. But let’s be honest, Allan McGregor attacked an opposition player in an unprovoked and aggressive manner.”

    ERSP: “How so? Were you watching a completely different game to me? McGregor was just tidying things up”.

    Random Commentator: “What are you talking about? He went after his opponent with a scythe. A great big scythe.”

    ERSP: “I think you will find it was a little scythe. Barely a scythe at all. There was barely any contact and the Compliance Officer was right to dismiss this ludicrous bleating and concentrate on more important matters such as why Rangers* weren’t awarded a goal for old time’s sake. Or something.”

    Random Commentator: “‘Barely a scythe?!’ How can you say that?! He chopped off the head of the opposition player. In the penalty area! That is the very definition of a foul!”

    ERSP: “Nonsense. There was no intent there. Unless you refer to McGregor’s intent to keep the grass at a reasonable length in his penalty area. He certainly intended to to do that. And let’s face it, goalkeepers are always fixing the grass in their area – replacing divots for example.”

    Random Commentator: “‘FFS he only severed the player’s head on the seventh swing! And after all the other players had surrounded him and started screaming ‘put the f*cking scythe down, you are going to kill him'”.

    ERSP: “I don’t think the footage shows that.”

    Random Commentator: “It shows his head bouncing off the pitch and being used at a throw-in…”

    ERSP: “This is just jealous hysteria.”

    Random Commentator: “So what level of on-pitch contact by a Rangers* player would you view as actually worthy of punishment? How ridiculous have things now got?” 

    Presenter: “Aaaaand that’s all we’ve got time for. So there you have it folks. Justice rightly prevails for a Rangers* player who just wanted to ensure a level playing field. With his scythe. Tune in tomorrow to hear our pundits discuss how nuclear warfare offers Rangers* hope of toppling Celtic…”

    >>>>>>

    #KeepOnClumping

    NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of fun, and cold turkey is really boring.