Celtic, Champions League, Satire, Scottish Football

Leigh Griffiths: A Deserved Yellow Card


Good Evening.

Following the conclusion of yesterday’s Linfield v Celtic match – a fixture akin to the Football Banter Gods coming up with a ‘great idea’ after their usual dealer accidentally sold them some really dark mood-altering sh*t (😉) – The Clumpany sent the footage to top Clumpany scientists for analysis.

I wanted to know quite why Leigh Griffiths had been booked. The Twitter feeds of the two competing clubs told different tales.


I am pleased to report that the dedicated staff of the Clumpany labs did their jobs to their usual high standards and in record time.

Following forensic, slow-motion analysis of the footage, The Clumpany can confirm that Linfield FC and (most importantly) the referee were absolutely right.

Leigh Griffiths was time-wasting.

He is bang to rights.

In what appears to be the blink of an eye to the ill-informed, you can clearly see Griffiths sit down at a mahogany bureau and write invitations using quill and ink.

These invitations were then sent to all manner of people around the world who duly replied via letter, messenger and carrier pigeon over a period of several months.

Having received their replies, Griffiths waited until the appointed day and had a very smart table and chairs set up in the corner of the Windsor Park pitch. The finest glasses known to humanity adorned the table and – unsurprisingly – the guests were hugely impressed when they arrived. 

Ever the consummate host, Leigh Griffiths told the assembled company that he would have to leave them briefly to take a corner, but he hoped that his brief absence wouldn’t inconvenience them. 

Griffiths was assured by all present that no one would mind him interrupting the occasion to do his job.

And then a problem arose.

Leigh realised he had forgotten to bring the booze for his on-pitch wine-tasting event!

Oh no!

Everyone shuffled uncomfortably in their seats and tried not to make eye contact with  their host as the full extent of his failings became apparent. 

But then something amazing happened!

Despite the huge disrespect he was clearly showing to the Champions League, and despite the massive inconvenience he was causing them, a kind-hearted Linfield fan decided to help Griffiths out. And so he threw the remnants of his half-bottle of Buckie in the general direction of the Celtic striker.

It is a matter of considerable social regret – but well-deserved football justice – that just as Griffiths was about to serve the Buckie he had picked up from the pitch the referee decided to book him for timewasting.

Nae luck Leigh. But you clearly brought the booking on yourself… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

An Urgent Statement About Rangers’ CVA


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just released the following statement…

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The Clumpany is disappointed to note that no one involved in the British food and retail industries is willing to bow to The Clumpany’s demands that they start putting  appeals to find the missing “Rangers exiting administration” documents on milk cartons.

Given the importance of this issue and the wish of similar paperwork from Hearts, Dunfermline and others to join their Rangers counterpart in a big celebratory party at Clumpany Towers, it is outrageous that my perfectly reasonable demands have not been met.

How dare the so-called ‘neutral’ milk sector behave in this outrageous manner? I don’t care whether the content of milk carton packaging is a matter for producers to determine, subject to the inclusion of certain information required by law. I have a self-absorbed fuss to make and BOY am I going to make it.

Nor is it important that milk carton appeals regarding the ‘Missing’  are more of an American thing than a British one. I demand to be heard and respected and to have my wishes pandered-to. Especially those wishes that are explained in really long sentences that wouldn’t know punctuation if it came along and put a semi-colon hyphen full stop to it so there are you intimidated by the length of this sentence are you ARE you?

Even-handedness demands that an appeal for Rangers’ ‘CVA success’ paperwork is put on UK milk cartons. Failure to respect basic human rights will not be tolerated and will result in boycotts and writing grammar-free emails to everyone on a specially-compiled list. I am good at making lists.

I have met with a number of cows in fields across Scotland and they all recognised the need for me to get my own way in this matter. In fact they said they would not be “mooved”.

That’s “mooved”. A direct quote.

How much more persuasion do you need?

Let there be no misunderstanding. Milk and everyone associated with it will regret the day they refused to bow to my demands.

And that includes you Milk Tray Man. Let’s see how glamorous you are when you are just Tray Man.

And Milka Cows. You won’t be laughing when you are simply -a Cows.

And before they get any ideas, the agenda-driven goat community should consider itself ‘on notice’ that its milk is set to be deemed guilty by milky association.

And speaking of ‘milky’, my determination to prevail against the haters is such that I will see Milky Way humiliated – in both its chocolate and galaxy forms if necessary.

No one ‘milks it’ on my watch.

>>>>>>

In other news, I see a Sevco fans’ group has issued a statement.

Statement on Daily Record Coverage

😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Unexpected Abuse


Good Evening.

The Clumpany encountered some truly surreal things when it was out and about today.

While waiting for the bus I noticed a decaying lump of dog excrement on the pavement. 

You might think there was nothing unusual in that. And you’d be correct. But what was truly extraordinary was that the heap of canine foulness was shouting at passers by.

“There was no sporting advantage” it bellowed. “Rangers would have bought those players anyway. EBTs weren’t illegal!”

It repeated the cry over and over again. 

Somewhat bemused, I got the bus and thought no more about it.

Until I got off the bus, whereupon a runny pigeon dump splattered on my ethereal shoulder from a great height. I was just about to recoil in horror when I was taken aback at the sound of the droppings talking to me!

“There is no appetite to reopen Lord Nimmo-Smith’s Commission. It is time to heal and move on.”

I availed myself of the tissues and wet-wipes offered by sympathetic passers-by, and removed the mess from my intangible person.

I walked a few yards and saw a mounted policeman. His horse deposited a huge pile of manure by my feet and trotted away. I held my ethereal nose to avoid the stench, but was again shocked when the steaming equine crap mountain started talking to me.

“It’s all in the past!” it said. “Top lawyers have been asked and there is no mechanism to take action against Rangers. The matter is closed”.

Increasingly perturbed by events, I hastened to the shops to make my purchases and then head back to the relative sanity of Clumpany Towers. However, before boarding the bus home I popped to the public toilets and had the misfortune to discover that my predecessor had forgotten to flush.

And as if it wasn’t bad enough to find a world class jobbie staring up at me, the remarkable specimen started shouting at me!

“Those titles were won on the pitch! It would be theft to take them off Rangers. You are just bitter and jealous! Concentrate on your own team!”

Fearing that I might be going completely crazy, I decided not to wait for the bus but instead got a taxi back to Clumpany Towers. Once there, I called my pal Alan. I haven’t seen him in ages and was due to catch up, but the day’s events made it imperative that I spoke to him immediately. Alan is a sensible bloke and can always be relied upon to offer a sense of perspective. 

As soon as he heard my voice, Alan commented that I sounded a bit shaken, and asked me what the matter was. So I gave him a blow-by-blow account of all the talking turds and their detailed comments on Rangers.

To be honest, I was expecting Alan to show some sympathy, but instead he just chuckled at me, before explaining:

“FFS Clumpany! Why so concerned? You’ve just encountered a load of shit arguments against title stripping.

Open the newspapers and you will have exactly the same experience. Day after day.”

#KeepOnClumping

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Why The SFA Can’t Take Action Against Rangers (IL)


Good Evening.

The Clumpany assumes that no effort will be spared in finding and articulating reasons why the SFA can’t take any action against Rangers (IL) and their haul of trophies following today’s Supreme Court ruling on the ‘Big Tax Case’.

The SFA has already issued a statement which has bewildered many, and caused others to piss their pants (ethereal or otherwise). Amongst other things, it says

“The clear opinion of Senior Counsel is that there is a very limited chance of the Scottish FA succeeding in relation to any complaint regarding this matter and that, even if successful, any sanctions available to a Judicial Panel would also be limited in their scope.

Accordingly, having had time to consider the opinion from Senior Counsel, and having examined the judgment of the UK Supreme Court, the Board has determined that no further disciplinary action should be taken by the Scottish FA at this time.”

In view of this, The Clumpany wonders what other ‘compelling’ detailed arguments might be advanced against taking disciplinary action in response to the grotesque spectacle of a football club paying out millions of pounds in wrongly-untaxed wages to players.

Here are a few suggestions… 😉

We’d love to, but our dog ate the paperwork.

We had no mobile signal so missed what happened.

And when we did have a signal, the battery in our phone ran out and there was a toaster plugged into all the electricity sockets. So we couldn’t recharge it.

The traffic was terrible and the Highway Code has no provision for taking action against Rangers.

We didn’t have the right change for the ‘Rangers sanctions’ machine. Original 1872 pennies are a bastard to find these days.

You want us to take action in THESE shoes?

The train was cancelled. You can’t address football club misdemeanours on a replacement bus.

It rained and we didn’t have an umbrella so we stayed at home. Our remote access didn’t work and so we couldn’t take any action against Rangers.

We got watching daytime TV. And you know how it is. We lost all track of time. Great ‘Bargain Hunt’ today though!

Eventually we set off for the office and popped into the supermarket en route. You should have seen the queue! We were in there for an eternity!

By the time we got out of the supermarket, the office would have closed for the day. So we popped into the pub, where we played The Beatles’ ‘Taxman’ over and over on the jukebox when we could have been discussing Rangers’ misdeeds instead.

Later, we were just about to leave the pub when we saw someone who we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them rather than get home and do some Rangers disciplinary work on the laptop.

And then – you’ll never guess what, we know it sounds unbelievable, but – we were just about to leave the pub again when we saw someone else we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them too.

And of course, those unexpected reunions couldn’t end without one for the road.

And then we went for a curry afterwards.

And then on to a club.

We woke up on a park bench with no idea where we were, so what were we supposed to do? We couldn’t exactly pursue sanctions on Rangers in that situation could we?

We eventually found a taxi driver to get us to the office for 9am but he couldn’t find it. No, really…

Then it turned out we had lost our keys, so we couldn’t even get in to take any disciplinary action.

To be honest, we then needed to have a good sleep to recover.

You can’t strip honours with a hangover, after all. Can you?

In any case, we were watching The Simpsons one day and we are sure Lionel Hutz said there was literally no mechanism for taking any action against Rangers.

Anyway, look at the shiny shiny thing! You all want to play in the Scottish Cup don’t you? Our lovely money-spinning competition… You should concentrate on that.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun reacting to the surreal nature of Scottish football…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Mr Greedy’s Title-Stripping Appetite


One day, Mr Greedy woke up to find that he was very hungry indeed.

Mr Greedy felt hungry every morning. He also felt hungry in the afternoons and in the evenings too.

Mr Greedy knew that he could stop feeling hungry for a while by having a very big breakfast. So he had four packets of cornflakes, twelve slices of toast, six eggs, and ten rashers of bacon washed down with a gallon of tea.

“That was delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But then Mr Greedy became concerned.

Because he was still feeling extremely hungry!

So he decided to have another breakfast. He ate twenty-four Weetabix, ten slices of toast and marmalade, and a dozen eggs. He also gulped down five pints of orange juice.

“That was also delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But he was still feeling hungry. This did not normally happen to Mr Greedy so soon after one large breakfast, let alone two! 

A little worried, Mr Greedy decided to distract himself by going into town and going some shopping for his dinner.

As he wandered between the shops Mr Greedy bumped into Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer who worked for the local media, and who were reading the day’s sports news with a worried look.

Mr Greedy told them about the strange new hunger he was experiencing. 

“Well we can assure you that it’s definitely not a hunger for Rangers title-stripping” said Mr Liquidation-Denial.

“Yes that’s right” said Mr Squirrel-Writer. “You are a sensible chap who has no appetite for that. Is that a squirrel behind you? I’d be more worried about that if I were you.”

Mr Greedy couldn’t see a squirrel, and he carried on with his shopping. He then bumped into Mr Alltoo-Difficult who works at the Scottish Football Association and who had a big frown on his face.

Mr Greedy – eating a catering-sized box of Mars Bars as a snack – told him about his mysterious hunger. 

“Well at least we can rule out a case of hunger for Rangers title-stripping, Mr Greedy. You definitely have no appetite for that!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult.

“That’s funny” said Mr Greedy. “That’s exactly what Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer said to me a few minutes ago! Have you been talking to them?”

“Absolutely not!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult. “That’s just a massive coincidence. Now, why don’t you move on [*cough cough cough*]… errr… to the next shop and don’t worry about your strange hunger?”

Mr Greedy went into the newsagent’s to buy another dozen Mars Bars. Suddenly, he noticed the front page of a newspaper which talked about cuts to various public services.

As he left the shop, Mr Greedy suddenly felt absolutely ravenous even though he had just stuffed down another seven Mars Bars. 

And then he realised the cause of his unusual hunger! Mr Liquidation-Denial, Mr Squirrel-Writer and Mr Alltoo-Difficult had been wrong! Presumably they had been wrong completely by accident and in an uncoordinated way, but they were wrong!

Because Mr Greedy had a gargantuan appetite for Rangers title-stripping! 

Mr Greedy didn’t see why everyone else had to pay their taxes for essential public services when the late Rangers Football Club could avoid it and still keep their trophies!

In fact, Mr Greedy thought that this was an absolute piss-take of the highest order and that Scottish football and society as a whole deserved better.

Mr Greedy was hungry for justice. So he decided there and then to lobby his favourite football club to ensure that justice was delivered.

And when Mr Greedy has an appetite for something, he doesn’t let it go until it is satisfied…

>>>>>>

You know what to do, everybody…

Oh yes, and spare a thought for Jim Traynor. 😉 

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Flight Of Fantasy


Good Evening.

The Clumpany just had a truly bizarre experience. There I was in the pub when a man sat next to me and started telling me all about his upcoming holiday.

He was going to Europe and hoped to visit a number of countries. He was VERY excited indeed and started waving his passport and flight details above his head.

It was a bit embarrassing to be honest, but I like to be polite. I nodded my approval, said “that’s nice” and returned to my drink.

But he wasn’t finished!

He reached into a large bag and pulled out a load of photograph albums.

“These are the photographs of all my previous holidays in Europe. There’s barely a place I haven’t visited. Would you like to see them?”

“Well, err…”, I said.

“Good. Now this album is from when I went to France…”.

Several hours later, he finally got to the end of his albums. I was repeatedly tempted to tell him to get lost but I became strangely obsessed by the spectacle and so stuck with it.

However, as he put the last album back in his bag, I had a sudden realisation.

“Hang on a minute! You have all those photograph albums and yet not one single picture is of you? Did you actually go to those places?”.

Whereupon he told me to “f*ck off” and ran out of the pub.

Bemused, I finished my drink and stood up to leave. At which point the landlord came over and said “I see you’ve met Deluded Billy. He’s been boring people with his ‘memories’ for a few weeks now. He’s really excited about going abroad for the first time ever. He flies out next week.”

“So what about all those pictures he had? All those happy memories?”, I asked?

“Oh, he’s a bit embarrassed that he’s never actually been overseas, so he’s made up some ‘Continental history’ for himself. He got those photograph albums in a big house clearance sale. To be honest, I’m a big worried that he’s starting to believe his own bullsh*t.”

>>>>>>

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, Rangers* are apparently about to return to Europe.


#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Dave King: I’m The President Of The World

Dave King, basking in the glory of taxi driver approval

Good Morning.

Not coming to a paper near you any time soon….

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Dave King Set To Take Control Of Planet Following Glasgow Feedback

The Rangers* Supremo has been convinced that he’s even more fantastic that he previously realised following a series of conversations which honestly really did take place in Glasgow.

By A. Pile-O’Crap. 

Dave King is expecting to be appointed President of Earth in the next few days following an extraordinary series of encounters in Glasgow. The exciting news does not stop there however, with Rangers* fans also set to see their club’s trophy haul unexpectedly increased.

Our source explains: “Everyone knows how King has met Celtic-supporting taxi drivers who agreed with his argument that the Hoops have only won two-in-a-row because of the demotion of Rangers*. And they know that the taxi drivers were also quite clear that the top flight wasn’t the same without Rangers* in it.

“But when Dave got out of the taxis he’s received even more support”.

The insider explained that over the course of an afternoon, King met numerous absolutely real people who praised his qualities, his leadership, and his magnificent stewardship of Rangers* following regime change in 2015.

“It was amazing. Dave popped into the local Wetherspoons for a pint of tap water and the Presidents of FIFA and UEFA were both there. Honestly. Seriously. No, really. They were! 

“They slapped Dave on the back and said his transformation of Rangers* was the greatest story in football and was worthy of thirteen European Cups. Dave agreed with them and they undertook to award the trophies to the Light Blues very soon. Up yours Celtic, and f*ck you Real Madrid!

“After winning all those trophies, Dave then went into McDonalds and ended up sitting next to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Amazing, eh? He said he thought Mr King was the finest businessman in the word and that he was a great admirer of the way he had single-handedly got the better of Mike Ashley in a sword duel. 
“During the resulting conversation about the sword – which I think Dave pulled out of a stone a few years ago – they were interrupted by the Governor of the Bank of England who had come in to get a McFlurry.

“The Governor said King was clearly the finest mind ever to enter business and he should be running the country’s economy. In fact he should be put in charge of the IMF as well – where he could give the global economy the sort of inspiration and reassuring leadership it needed. The Chancellor agreed, whereupon they both started making calls on their mobiles to ensure that Dave was appointed.”

The remarkable afternoon did not finish there though. While he was in Primark, King bumped into the Prime Minister, the Presidents of Russia, China and the USA, and the Secretary General of the United Nations.

“It was incredible” says our source “They happened to be standing up when they saw Dave approach them, but quickly sat down specifically so they could immediately rise again and give him a standing ovation.

“They love Dave. He’s their favourite leader, and they know that people around the world respect his vision and achievements. Because their taxi drivers have told them so.

“So, over the course of a chat by the changing rooms while everyone waited for Angela Merkel to try on some new clothes, they decided that the only sensible thing to do for the sake of humanity and the planet was to surrender complete control to Mr King.

“Subject to the paperwork going through, Dave will be declared President of Earth any day now.

“No really, he will. And if you don’t believe me, ask a random taxi driver.”

Dave King was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman confirmed that the Rangers* Chairman is clear and correct in his every utterance.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…