Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The One Where They Bored Us All To Death

Staring into the abyss of Sevco tedium
Good Evening.

After dead Rangers’ financial doping and rulebreaking, the next worst thing about the 1990s and 2000s was probably that piss-poor documentary series ‘Friends’

Boy was that show tedious. 

The Clumpany knows that ‘reality’ TV shows were all the rage at that time, but that particular fly-on-the wall smugfest took the genre to a new low.

Being a cynical ethereal entity, I often wondered whether the show was at least partly scripted. What’s more, I was never entirely convinced that the housemates’ apartments or favourite coffee shop* were actually real. From time to time they almost looked like a TV studio set. In short it was shite. And long-running shite too. [*NB why on Earth didn’t they go to a bar or drink Buckie on a park bench like the rest of us?]. 

Criticisms aside, I don’t begrudge the folk in that show their 15 minutes’ of fame, and I hope that they all managed to find gainful employment once the hidden cameras stopped filming their everyday lives.

I mention the ‘Friends’ documentary because I called it to mind earlier today. In particular, I remembered the interminable ‘will they, won’t they?’ sagas which were meant to fool the viewers into believing that the housemates were attracted to each other. 

The truth of the matter, of course, is that despite the clever editing giving the impression of romance, three of the ‘Friends’ were actually all in love with the same Romanian weightlifter, and the other three spent all their free time as part of the ‘Movementarian’ cult seen in that other popular reality show ‘The Simpsons’ [Incidentally, I hear rumours that ‘Joey’ is now a conductor on the Springfield monorail, but I digress…]

The mind-bogglingly tiresome nature of the ‘will they, won’t they’ drama bears a striking resemblance to the appointment of the new Sevco Director of Football.

First, the Director of Football was a key appointment for the ‘club’. [Its importance to the engine room subsidiary and holding company was never specified].

Then nothing happened despite various likely and side-splittingly unlikely names being linked to the hugely significant post.

Then, according to Dave King last week, an appointment wasn’t imminent, especially now that Paperwork Pedro had taken the vacant manager’s position.

Then, two nights ago, a Sevco statement suggested that an appointment was indeed imminent!

But then this afternoon, STV reported the following:

Rangers to resume director of football search this week

[Managing Director Stewart Robertson] told STV: “We’ve taken a couple of weeks to get Pedro settled in, which has gone well so far, and we’re just about to pick that up again in terms of looking for candidates for the director of football role.

“That will take as long as it takes. There’s no time frame that we’ve set for that. We just want to get the best possible person for the job and we will start to get stuck into that again this week.”

Interviews were previously held and Robertson said those interviewed may still be in the running.

“It’s a combination [of people we spoke to before and new candidates],” he said. “We’ve got various people to speak to.”

He added: “When we initially looked at a director of football it was something that was going to happen quietly in the background. Then everything happened with the manager and events sort of overtook us on that.

“So it’ll be good to work away at it quietly without the glare of publicity really and try and get an appointment made.”


So the appointment is not an immediate or imminent priority.  And it isn’t a medium or long-term priority either. But something is about to start happening again. Soon.

In short: that thing which the media has been reporting as ‘happening at some point’ is… err… going to happen at some point.


Dear me. Could this get any less gripping?

Tune in next week for another balls-achingly uneventful instalment of ‘We’ve Not Appointed Anyone Yet’, which may be subtitled ‘The One Where We Finally Lost The Will To Live’.


Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Sevco Conspiracy Theory

Picture from

Good Evening.

It is always good when the Scottish mainstream sports media steps forward to reassure us that there is nothing happening at Sevco for the Clumposphere to get excited about.

If we are told that there is nothing to see by the folk who

  • told us that Craig Whyte was a billionaire,
  • asserted that all eleven Sevco players were assaulted or spat at after the 2016 Scottish Cup final; and who
  • were praised by the newest Ibrox club for their courageous journalism.

…then there is clearly no reason at all for us to grab our Squirrel Spotter’s Guide and take up a monitoring position with binoculars, laptop and large glass of Buckie and Bleach.

Absolutely none whatsoever.

We will all simply go and watch Coronation Street, or do something equally exciting instead.

And so it was with last night’s sudden and somewhat incomprehensible announcement from Ibrox that three of the world’s leading businessmen have left the board of The Rangers Football Club (TRFC), and will instead focus their energies on furthering the progress of humanity as part of the board of Rangers International Football Club (RIFC)

Regular readers will recall that RIFC is the holding company thing, which cradles the engine room subsidiary operating company thing (TRFC), which runs the ‘club’ that no one can describe or has ever seen. TRFC used to be called ‘Sevco Scotland’, and was nearly ‘Sevco 5088’.

And all of it is ultimately called ‘Spartacus’.

Here is the ‘company announcement’ in question:

FOLLOWING a recent review, there have been some minor changes to Rangers’ internal governance structures.

At the time that the previous board was removed, there was a dual reporting structure that duplicated non-executive director roles at the holding company (RIFC) and at the operating company (TRFC). This structure was not in accordance with best practice and appears to have been put in place by the previous board to accommodate the inability of Sandy Easdale to sit on the holding company board.

The TRFC operating board has now been fully functioning for some time and with the imminent appointment of a Director of Football the RIFC board believes that it is appropriate that the TRFC board continues to function independently of the RIFC board within the mandates and budgets set by RIFC.

Consequently, the non-executive directors appointed by RIFC to the TRFC board will now exercise their roles solely as non-executive directors of the holding company, RIFC. The executive management of the Club will then form the board of TRFC.

Article Copyright © 2016. Permission to use quotations from this article online is only granted subject to appropriate source credit and hyperlink to

Social media being what it is, and Sevco being the never-ending source of entertainment it is, Twitter naturally went into overdrive following this statement.  May people wondered and speculated what all this might actually mean given the backdrop of various issues which still affect the world’s most successful* ‘club’ , not least

But thankfully the Daily Record was on hand many hours later to give us the inside story of the statement, courtesy of an… errr… insider. And it was all very reassuring:

Rangers brand conspiracy theories ‘absurd’ as they shoot down claims of boardroom meltdown

Here are some extracts from the piece:

The Daily Record can reveal the truth of the matter is a lot less dramatic and can be explained as follows.

When chairman Dave King and his allies first secured control of Rangers in March 2015 the club’s hierarchy was split across two different companies, the main RIFC board – formerly referred to as the PLC board – and the TRFC board which was commonly known as the football board, in charge of day-to-day operations.

The RIFC board is headed by King as chairman and also includes another five non-executive directors, Murray, Gilligan, Park and his father Douglas as well as John Bennett. Ultimately, these are the men who control the last line of the club’s decision-making process and are in charge of hiring and firing.

But Murray, Gilligan and Graeme Park also held seats on the board of the TRFC, alongside two paid executives, managing director Stewart Robertson and administrative director Andrew Dickson.

And it’s been recognised for some time that these dual roles did, in fact, represent a conflict of interests.

With a director of football set to be added to the TRFC board it was felt that now would be an ideal moment to draw a distinct line between the two bodies.

Which is why the positions of Murray, Park and Gilligan on that secondary board have now been terminated.

A source explained: “Basically, this is no more than a tidying up of the club’s internal structure in the interest of sound corporate governance.

“It means there is a distinct line between the board of TRFC which will be made up entirely of executives and whose job it will be to run the club on a day-to-day basis.

“But the performance of these paid employees will in turn be monitored and judged by the directors on the RIFC board. It made little sense to have non-executive directors with a foot in both camps having to judge their own performances.

“The changes, while not essential, are in the best interests of the club’s corporate governance. To suggest this is part of some kind of dramatic restructuring of the boardroom would be quite frankly absurd.”

Phew! So it was all “no more than a tidying up of the club’s internal structure in the interest of sound corporate governance.” I for one am impressed by the ability of the Sevco hierarchy to manage the smaller issues at the same time as grappling with some huge and potentially existential ones!

The Clumpany has no evidence with which to dispute the account which has been offered, and says ‘fair play’ to all involved for ‘doing their thing’ as best they can. However, I do take issue with folk who take umbrage at the level of interest the likes of me have expressed in this and other stories. After all, my experiences of following the ‘intense’ way that Sevco seems to try and manage the news coverage of its magnificent operation could make anyone suspicious that there might be more to this story than initially meets the eye.

Call me cynical. I won’t mind, I have been called a lot worse…

However, I found the use of the term “conspiracy theories” in the Record headline to be laughable. It is a clearly pejorative term which suggest that those taking an interest in developments could be crackpots, lunatics and weirdos. Now, that might be true for some of us on an individual basis, but it is unfair to badge a whole group of people who simply take a keen interest in the national sport, its governance and the unique contribution of Ibrox-based outfits to it over the years.

We take an interest because this sort of thing has – time and time again – been shown to have a bearing on the running of a game about which we care a great deal. None* of us think that aliens are orchestrating developments to make Sevco great as a prelude to an invasion (*NB one of my Twitter followers might do…), nor do we scour the front page of the Daily Express for a Sevco dimension to the car crash which killed Princess Diana. And as for Elvis still being alive but hiding away so that he can watch Sevco TV in peace… why on earth would he watch Sevco TV when he is best friends with David Tanner and Neil McCann, and can get a similar experience during their weekly dominoes night?!

However, we do like to examine what is happening at Sevco, why it is happening, what it could mean, and what might happen next. Whether others like it or not, this sort of questioning attitude – if pursued politely – is a very healthy thing to have in the ongoing debate about Scottish football.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am away to do further work on my book about how Mr Custard assisted the CIA in assassinating John F. Kennedy.



Clumpany Matters, Media, Satire

Phwoar! Clumpany Legs-It In Revealing Outfit


Good Evening.

Not coming to the Daily Mail any time soon…


Phwoar! Clumpany Legs-It In Revealing Outfit

The ethereal entity wowed onlookers with a near-naked display while engaging in some retail therapy last night.

By A. Sensationalist-Hack

Onlookers gaped in astonishment at The Clumpany’s revealing choice of outfit last night as it stepped out to buy a case of Buckie. The popular internet character is known for having a keen sense of style, particularly its always-immaculate pinstriped blazer, and occasional effortless wearing of a hat.

The Clumpany has been widely praised for popularising the sombrero. Especially in Mexico.

The nation’s favourite ethereal entity – which has been linked with a possible spell in the “I’m a Celebrity…” jungle – is rumoured to be planning a range of cutting-edge home furnishings. The ‘uncomfortable red chair’  has been seen on The Clumpany’s website for some time now, and top retailers are expected to become involved in a multi-million pound war to satisfy an insatiable public demand for it.

But it was The Clumpany’s risqué choice of trousers which caused heads to turn last night as it hit the shops wearing skimpy above-the-knee shorts!

“Phwoar!” said one onlooker! “I’ve seen some legs in my time. Mostly in your attempted newspaper, but those were something else!”

Celebrity pals have recently expressed their support for The Clumpany, which had suffered heartbreak over something or another, and which has lost weight on the current ‘fad’ diet (see pages 8, 9, 10, 16 and 25 for more details, and your voucher for a FREE feel-good placebo!).

However, the bold unveiling of its shapely legs is the surest sign yet that The Clumpany has put its troubles behind it, and is ready to make a splash on the celebrity circuit once again!

“You should have seen the way The Clumpany swaggered into the off licence” said another witness to the eye-popping events. “Those legs were amazing and it knew it! Passers-by swooned and asked for selfies with the luxurious limbs. I wouldn’t be surprised to see them making a guest appearance on Geordie Shore or Question Time in the near future.”

Upon learning of The Clumpany’s drool-inducing legs, Nigel Farage told this newspaper “They will be even better once the evil yoke of Brussels regulation has been peeled off them like a particularly painful wax strip. The British people demand both Brexit and Clumpany Legs-It, and they demand them now.”

The Mail understands that The Clumpany writes a blog about Scottish football or something. But who is interested in that when there are legs to ogle?





Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Third-Rate Runners And Riders

Good Evening.

You have doubtless seen recent newspaper coverage of the plans to make an appointment to support Paperwork Pedro in his Sevco-oriented labours.

The Clumpany is delighted to reveal that it has secured exclusive ‘insider’ acccess to this really big recruitment story. 

So, without further a do, please allow me to present the runners and riders to become the ‘third best cleaning device at Ibrox’, or – if you prefer – the ‘Sevco No.3’.

Contender A: Henry Hoover

Henry knows all the words to ‘Penny Arcade’, not least because he has – crucially – been known to pick up a few 1p coins during the course of his staunch sucking duties. He loves Rangers* and is prepared to work for free, but is unable to put his own £1 coin in the electricity meter.

Contender B: The Traditional Broomstick

The broomstick is traditionally associated with witchcraft, and so could play a valuable role in making the going concern warning in the Rangers* accounts disappear. It could also double as a ‘sweeping things under the carpet’ secondee at the SFA. 😉

Contender C: A Chimney Sweep

Large numbers of Sevco hopes – such as having a Nomad, seeing off His Big Mikeness, and ‘Going for 55’ – seem to go up in smoke on a daily basis. Consequently, it might be sensible to employ someone to keep the Ibrox Chimneys of Staunchness in full working order. 

Contender D: The Rust Remover

Some followers of the two Ibrox clubs have long harboured a wish to ‘get back to nature’. They have no time for fanciful notions of an indoor astrodome! They simply want an open-air Colosseum. And what better way of delivering it than the application of rust remover to Ibrox? One quick coat and BOOM, the stadium roofs will disappear! 😉

Contender E: A Fawning Press

No matter what has happened in the past – or what may happen in the future – a sympathetic local media could immediately clean up any Ibrox mess by simply pretending that it isn’t there! Stiffed creditors? No problem! Rule breaking? It never happened! New club? Not if we have anything to do with it!

The Clumpany can only see one winner in this particular race, because shameless favourable coverage pretty much always trumps everything else.

Let us hope that a decision is soon reached so that we can move on to considering the real minutiae of Sevconia, such as this:

Former Ranger striker Jonatan Johansson latest name to be linked with Ibrox No.3 role

Although personally, I ultimately remain much more interested in the identity of the new Sevco Number Six. 😉

Sevco’s Exciting New Assistant Manager


Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Dave King: Reluctant Hero


Good Morning.

The Clumpany loves a massive coincidence.

Last night, my sometime alter-ego Phil Mac Giolla Bhain suggested looking out for pieces in the mainstream media suggesting that Dave King is an unvalued leader, that he has done his best to rescue the ‘club’ he loves from the clutches of evil men, and that he has put his money where others would not.

Here is the piece in question:

The sad story of the unloved King

You can therefore imagine my absolute shock to see this piece on the Evening Shark-Jump website today:

The article is one of the Shark-Jump’s finest offerings in some time. And while not quite of the standard of the now-legendary Let’s Not Bother With The Champions League piece from earlier in the season, it is still a cracker.

Here are some quotes from it which are so tasty that a Michelin-starred chef would be proud to serve them in their restaurant. As you might expect, I have taken the considerable liberty of providing a running commentary.

“FOR some, it would be a dream job. For Dave King, it has been a chore that he could have done without.

But, while there is work to be done and he remains the best man to do it, Ibrox will continue to be his home from home.

King may not spend much time in Glasgow, although he is here more often than he would like, but he makes the most of every flying visit from South Africa.”

Even three sentences in, you can’t help but feel Dave is a real martyr to the glorious Rangers* cause!

“King has made a headline or two during his involvement with Rangers and his latest public utterances were no different. Whenever he speaks, the noise level rises. Whether you agree or disagree with him, King has a captive audience.”

I think the author actually meant “captivated” audience. What’s more, I wonder whether that particular sentence might be autobiographical…

And as for “a headline or two”, presumably those headlines include

  • the time King advised the creditors of the late Rangers FC to reject the CVA, and consign his beloved club to oblivion,
  • his tax-related convictions,
  • his pronouncements about investing his children’s inheritance and having a Nomad lined up; and
  • that time he suggested he didn’t regard the £5m Sports Direct loan as a loan, before… errr…  eventually paying it back?
  • Etc etc etc.

“Yet his words were delivered with a calmness and authority that would be expected from a man in his position at Ibrox.”

Oh my! How unbelievably sycophantic does that sentence sound? Just because someone is in a senior position at Ibrox you would “expect” them to possess calmness and authority?

Personally, I would expect such a person to have a convincing explanation about how 276 creditors can be stiffed for millions and yet a liquidated football ‘club’ can continue unaffected. 

But I am yet to hear one!

“King brushed aside questions about the ruling from the Takeover Appeal Board, a verdict that ordered him to make an offer of 20p per share to all Ibrox investors after he was adjudged to have acted ‘in concert’ during his rise to power two years ago.”

“Brushed aside questions”. The Scottish sports media in a parallel universe would actually view that as quite worrying, and would seek to get to the bottom of 

  • what the ruling actually meant, 
  • how much of a problem it really could cause for King and Sevco; and 
  • whether the apparently very rich Chairman has the cash to fund the share offer, and can get it out of South Africa.

But sadly we do not live in that parallel universe…

“King may be playing the part of a reluctant saviour but his role in the Light Blue rebuilding job is as important now as it was when he, Paul Murray and John Gilligan won the lengthy boardroom war.

There are still battles to be fought, however. And, right now, King is the man that Rangers need to lead from the front.”

“Reluctant saviour”! No doubt Phil Mac Giolla Bhain had a hearty chuckle when he saw that particular phrase…

And for those who enjoy the Sevco fixation with all things military, you can only applaud the use of “war”“battles”, and “leading from the front”. It’s a wonder the article didn’t include a photoshop picture of King abseiling off the Ibrox roof with a match ball.

“The lengthy litigation head-to-head with Mike Ashley continues to take up the majority of King’s time when he deals with Rangers issues. Every week, there are hundreds of emails to be addressed and hours are spent on the phone.”

OMG! Hundreds of emails and hours on the phone! King can consider himself truly unfortunate to labour in the modern-day equivalent of the salt mines, while much of the rest of the world’s population has it easy as they… errr… deal with hundreds of emails and… errr… spend hours on the phone.

Let’s pause there and take a moment to reflect on Dave’s selfless sacrifice…

No sniggering at the back, please.

“Yet King remains undeterred.”

Phew! I bet he even opens the odd letter and uses a stapler and some paperclips from time to time!

What a hero!

“He is determined to find a solution that benefits Rangers and allows them to normalise their retail operation.”

There’s that loaded language again. Language which suggests that there is something inherently wrong in a retail deal which may well have been freely entered-into at a time when new club was not in a strong bargaining position. I wrote about this yesterday following a hefty slice of wibblery from the Sunday Mail:

How It All Went Wrong For Mike Ashley

“His admission that Rangers could do a ‘proper’ kit launch this summer gave supporters hope that they will finally feel able to purchase merchandise once again. The financial benefits for Rangers would be considerable and it would be another marker post passed on the road to recovery.”

I think that in the absence of any actual evidence, and the continuation of Sports Direct’s legal action at the High Court in London, the word “admission” should be replaced by “unchallenged assertion”.

“King doesn’t need to be in Glasgow to run Rangers* and he doesn’t need to be chairman to invest in Rangers. Right now, his time and effort are just as important as his money.”

The financial burden at Ibrox continues to fall on King and the likes of Douglas Park, George Letham and George Taylor. They are investors that King can trust, fans that Rangers can rely on.

“King and the likes of Douglas Park, George Letham and George Taylor”.

It would be fascinating to know how that burden is continuing to be distributed, so we can ascertain quite how heroic each of them is being. It would also be good to know 

  • why King feels he can trust the Three Bears and not other non-Real Rangers* Men; and 
  • how the Ursine Triumvirate feel about King.

Oh yes. And it may also be worthwhile to query why the investors aren’t insisting on a policy of the ‘club’ living within its means. Even if that meant mid-table mediocrity for Sevco. It is a strange spectacle to witness people being applauded for running a football business on a “throwing money into a black hole (for now)” basis. Especially when – one way or another – UEFA rules on Financial Fair Plan will undoubtedly bite Sevco one day.

“All of their contributions are crucial. The ongoing involvement from King is the most important of all, though, and his commitment to the cause was perhaps the most heartening message of the lot for supporters.”

Yet more evidence-free assertion! Why is King’s involvement the most important, and why is his apparently-reluctant commitment the most heartening for supporters? 

Because the author says so? 

The Clumpany gets that the article is an opinion piece, but that doesn’t mean its claims and apparently upbeat pishery can’t be challenged with a call for evidence!

So there we have it. A massive, and highly entertaining coincidence.

Perhaps if Phil predicts that the Scottish sports press will run a series of hard-hitting critical pieces about Sevco by way of balance, we will see another – more welcome – coincidence unfold?




Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

How It All Went Wrong For Mike Ashley

“F*ck! I’ve made a huge mistake…”
Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has been savouring the comments made by Dave King and the MSM commentariat this week about the ‘grip’ that His Big Mikeness has on the Sevco retail deal, and how this is depriving Scotland’s most successful, young ‘same club’ thing of its rightful revenue. Or something.

Bad bad Michael!

This morning’s Sunday Mail piece by Michael ‘Mr’ Gannon is a case in point. To be fair, the article doesn’t exactly trumpet Dave King as being the all-conquering saviour that others have, and Mr Gannon suggested on Twitter that the Ibrox outfit wasn’t exactly in a strong bargaining position in 2012 given what had happened to the [*cough*] ‘same club’ as a result of the recklessness of David Murray and others. 

However, like so many others before it, the piece still managed to dive into the ‘Big Bad Ashley’ narrative without seriously considering whether HBM simply ‘benefits’ from an agreement which was freely entered-into by both sides. Nor did it ponder whether an agreement can really be wrong, unjust or immoral purely because Sevco and its adherents don’t like it.

Here are a few illustrative quotes from the piece:

“Mike Ashley. The Sport Direct chief bought skimpy underwear mob Agent Provocateur recently and still seems hellbent on ripping the drawers out of Rangers.”

“The Ibrox club get 7p in the pound on their retail deals.  It’s a painful reminder for the fans of the parasites who had their teeth in the club for too long.

“It’s denying Rangers up to £5m a year and, on a human level, Gers fans would like to wear their club’s strips again.”

“Ripping”, “parasites”, “denying Rangers*”.

It’s all very loaded language, which could quite easily be deployed to say something like:

“The ‘same club’ seems hellbent on ripping the p*ss out of ‘its’ creditors who might not even get 7p in the pound as a result of the parasites who fed off their goodwill. It’s denying them millions of pounds which was rightfully theirs.”

Somehow I don’t think that we will be seeing that sort of sentence in the mainstream media anytime soon!

Having digested the week’s Ashley guff  (not a pleasant experience I can tell you, even for the most ethereal of stomachs), The Clumpany believes it has worked out where His Big Mikeness went wrong.

Here is what he should have done.

In 2012 he should have said:

“Hi Charles. New club you say? Previous one went bust owing millions to all and sundry? You need to sell shirts and merchandise very quickly via a ready-made retail network? And it would be helpful to have a big commercial name endorsing your operation by working with it? SURE! Absolutely no problem. Here are my terms: Sports Direct will do it all for free. In fact we will do it for nothing AND give the ‘club’ £5 million pounds per year for the truly humbling privilege! Hope that’s OK with you. I’ll square it with my shareholders, but they’ll be fine. They don’t call me ‘Charity Mike’ for nothing”

And in 2014 he should have said:

“Hi! You need to borrow £5m and be able to draw down another £5m if needed to keep the lights on? I am not sure I can agree to that. Because I want to give you the money! I am so impressed with the way Rangers* are being run that I’d like to make a personal contribution. No strings, no security and no repayment is required. Here are my bank account details. Help yourself lads! And if you want more than £10m you can have it!”

While in March 2015, he should have picked up the phone to David King and said:

“Well done on winning that EGM, Dave. Fair’s fair, you are a better man than I am. I would like to give you my RIFC shares for free, and pay even more for the privilege of being associated with Rangers*. How does giving the ‘club’ a £10 bonus premium for every shirt sold in a Sports Direct shop sound? We can deduct it from my shareholders’ dividend. They’ll thank me for it. In fact why don’t you join MY board? And bring that bloke with the nice hair with you. We could ruffle it up for a laugh during meetings. I’d love to put you both in charge of a large part of my multi-billion pound operation. Which bit do you fancy, Dave?”

Sadly however, His Big Mikeness never did any of those things.

He must lie awake at night reflecting upon his colossal folly and wondering how he can ever hope to make amends. However, given his philanthropic nature, I am sure it won’t be long before HBM begs to appear before the RIFC board where he will sign over his entire business interests to aid Sevco in their dual quest for Champions League glory and a set of accounts which are free of a going concern warning.

Remember: you heard it here first…





Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Sevco’s Confirmed Plan To Dominate Scottish Football

Good Evening.

Far be it from The Clumpany to engage in cheap generalisations…

[*Engages ‘cheap generalisation’ mode*]

But for all the noise surrounding Dave King’s visit to the U.K. this week, we don’t actually seem to have learned a lot about the Big Plan to make Sevco great.

The key messages seem to have been as follows:

  • But that pesky ‘gap’ to Celtic really must be closed soon, even if it means the board screwing up their eyes and praying really hard to the Gods of Rangers*-themed entitlement.
  • There will be some investment in the Sevco playing squad during the summer. But no one is saying how much. However, this unspecified largesse needs to be deployed at an early stage of the summer to help with Sevco’s likely assault on the Europa League qualifiers (because Sevco can’t possibly experience any difficulties in getting a UEFA licence given their financial losses in recent years, can they?!).
  • European income will be very important to Sevco’s plans to challenge Celtic’s dominance of Scottish football, even though the ‘gambling on Europe’ strategy helped to send Rangers to their spectacular death.
  • There is optimism about the prospect of Sevco suddenly getting a more favourable retail detail with Sports Direct. And that would enable fans to buy replica shirts and thereby generate more money for the ‘club’. Strangely, this optimism is not backed up with hard evidence of Sports Direct being even remotely prepared to flex a stance which currently sees them litigating against Sevco at the High Court in London.
  • Dave King would rather be doing something other than saving Sevco from ‘stuff’, but he’s just a martyr to the cause. Bless his selflessness!
  • The Takeover Panel ruling that King was part of a concert party and must make a 20p per share offer to shareholders – at a cost of millions of pounds – is no biggie. Indeed, King might even decide to appeal it. Even though all the avenues of appeal appear to have been exhausted…
  • Pedro Caixinha is clearly the most exciting managerial prospect to cross the threshold of Ibrox since the previous one. Everyone likes the cut of his jib and his attractive  brand of football after only two games in charge. And his methods are so modern he actually learned them from his good pal Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.
  • The Sevco No. 3 role is the most important job in world football. Even more so than the Sevco No.2 role, whose holder (Helder Baptista) isn’t even worth mentioning! Such a highly significant third-rate role can only be filled by a Real Rangers’* Man with ‘local knowledge’ (and possibly an EBT). John Brown, Alex Rae, Barry Ferguson and Peter Lovenkrands really are potential Blessings In Disguise even though their disguises are so good that you might easily mistake them for potential liabilities. 😉
  • The Director of Football role remains important. So important that it hasn’t yet been filled despite being ‘on the agenda’ since Sevco was a mere glint in Charles Green’s eye. An appointment is coming any day now. But not just yet…
  • Sevco’s Big Plan is so awe-inspiring that it has rendered a number of media commentators completely dumbfounded! So dumbfounded in fact, that they forgot to ask any probing questions of Mr King!

Yes, on the whole it has been a truly impressive week for Mr King and the Sevco PR operation. And anyone who believes that it only amounted to substance-free, upbeat, ‘feel-good’ assertions is clearly obsessed or a ‘hater’. 

Personally speaking, The Clumpany was bowled over by the magnificence of the Big Plan. It is very rare for us to see an apparently ‘real’ magician talking about waving an allegedly ‘genuine’ magic wand at some point soon, and we should therefore treasure the experience.

However, if I was being uber critical, I might suggest that this week’s gripping Sevco King-a-thon lacked one crucial thing. 

A killer punchline.

Something absolutely definitive to really grab the fans’ attention and signal the way forward to glory.

Something like the announcement of a large rise in season book prices, coupled with lots of emotive rhetoric about the co-investors ‘playing their part’…

Perhaps the Sevco PR operation simply forgot to mention it?