Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Controversy!

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Good Evening.

The Clumpany is a big fan of the art of taking something innocuous and turning it into some sort of ‘controversy’.

To be fair, it’s a standard approach across all forms of news media, because it makes the mundane seem interesting and thereby attracts – and sometimes keeps – readers.

‘Clickbait’ is the most familiar term for this sort of approach, and although it specifically relates to online content such as ‘five shocking ways that Celtic FC is stealing your pension and undermining the foundations of your house’, the clickbaiting principle is used on other platforms too.

My favourite use of the principle is when someone at Celtic says something and it is turned in to a ‘controversial question’ to prompt a reaction or ‘debate’. In general, this is pretty harmless as long as you recognise it for what it is. However, it can sometimes give the impression that the club or its staff are bang out of order.

Which is not on.

Far be it from me to suggest that the following could ever actually appear in the Scottish sports media, but I can’t help but think that we should stand guard, just in case… ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Brendan Rodgers spoke to the media and gave his views on how the rest of the Premiership season might unfold = “Do you think Brendan Rodgers was right to shout down the rest of Scottish Football with his ‘crush them underfoot’ battle cry?” 

The Celtic manager reflected on the success of  his summer recruitment = “What is your reaction to Rodgers suggesting ‘Ha ha ha! GIRUY! We’ve got DEMBELE and he’s worth more than all of the Rangers* duds put together and multiplied by ten-in-a-row!’?”

Brendan Rodgers paid tribute to the role of his defence in helping to achieve such a huge goal difference = “Has Rodgers insulted the rest of the Premiership by saying that everyone else’s defence and strikers are utterly shite?”

The Celtic boss says his club’s fans are the best supporters in the world = “What do you think about Rodgers telling Celtic fans to back the team and stop being obsessed with Rangers*? Is this a humiliation for the Celtic faithful?”

Peter Lawwell and the Celtic board have confirmed plans for a new hotel = “How do you react to Celtic’s enduring inferiority complex in the face of Sir David Murray’s ambitions for Rangers*?”

Celtic continue to hold discussions with Craig Gordon about a new contract = “Do you think Craig Gordon is stalling because he knows Celtic’s self-proclaimed success is about to crumble into dust?”

Manager says that with hard work, the talented Leigh Griffiths can remain a key part of his long-term plans = “Are you shocked that Rodgers has said Griffiths is lazy and shite? Should the unwanted striker go to Rangers*?”

Brendan Rodgers says he hopes referees will clamp down on career-threatening fouls = “Has Rodgers gone too far in demanding that the ambulance service should be able to drive the ball into the opposition goal?”

Celtic manager says the next Glasgow derby will be a big occasion, and he’s looking forward to the challenge = “Are you fed up of Rodgers slagging off Rangers* by calling it the ‘Glasgow derby’? Does his confession of being intimidated give Rangers* the upper hand?”

Brendan Rodgers says Celtic’s upcoming opponents are a well-run side who will provide a tough test = “Do you agree with Rodgers that every game in the Premiership is too easy for Celtic? Or do you feel insulted by him?”

The Celtic boss thanked the media for attending today’s press conference = “Is Rodgers’ arrogant dismissal of the media going to come back and haunt him?”

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You have been warned! ๐Ÿ˜‰

#KeepOnClumping

“Is The Clumpany wearing a green jacket because it pissed all over the blue one in an act of gross disrespect to Rangers*?”
Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Radio Pundit’s Day Off


Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany believes that Scotland has the finest sports radio shows in all of Scotland. 

However, on occasion, I can’t help but think that they are a little too keen on having Rangers or Sevco-related guests on the shows. Their thinking seems to be that nothing previews Patrick Thistle v ICT quite like a good discussion about how many ties Walter Smith used to keep in the manager’s office at No-Longer-Murray Park. And sometimes it seems as though Rangers’ participation in the 2008 UEFA Cup final has lessons for the whole of humanity as well as Scottish football, no matter how apparently-unrelated the topical issue at hand seems to be.

Unless of course the issue is law and order on the streets of North West England.

I am not the only ethereal entity or human being who holds a similar view about the apparent Ibrox-centric output of various radio programmes (and yes I know I am a massive hypocrite for mocking someone-else’s fixation with Rangers and Sevco…). So when I found myself wondering whether the radio presenters’ relentless Ibrox focus extends to their lives away from the studio, I thought that I ought to share my Buckie-addled musings….

I can imagine one or more of our esteemed frontmen being confronted by a leaking pipe at home. With water streaming though the ceiling, they would make a series of calls without managing to find anyone to fix it. And when their other half subsequently stood in the rising flood and yelled “WTF are you playing at? Are all the plumbers busy?” the pundit would explain that no former Rangers* player was available to come round and give his views on how the water might affect the battle for second place in the Premiership, so they would have to manage without.

Another presenter no doubt likes to keep a few seats in their living room and dining room free in the hope that some ex-Rangers* men are able to take up the standing invitation to come round and share a few anecdotes about how Paul le Guen could never follow the plotlines of Eastenders. Picture the scene: a dining table which seats six, the presenter sitting at the head of the table, and their family sitting on the floor, leaving five empty seats for the Rangers* men. Night after night. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Heading off on holiday, another presenter possibly refuses to allow the family in the car as he has asked a few former Rangers* stars to share the journey and explain how it reminds them of Rangers’* recovery from demotion* to the Third Division. Regardless of whether the ex-pros are actually able to make it, I am sure the family wouldn’t mind walking. Again.

Going to see a gig could be an expensive business for the presenters. After all, they have to buy tickets for a whole row of seats just in case ex-Rangers* stars accept the invitation to come along and offer their incisive views on whether Bruce Springsteen can play a part in getting the Ibrox club to the Europa League group stages.

And as for a trip to the supermarket, imagine the scenes as our intrepid radio heroes argue the toss with the staff about the lack of a dedicated ‘Presenter and Rangers* Hero’ parking space:

Staff: “I’m sorry Sir, but we only have reserved spaces for disabled drivers and for ‘parent and child’ shoppers”.

Presenter: “But what if I’ve got a former Rangers* player with me to analyse how winning nine-in-a-row should inform my choice of baked bean brands?”

Staff: “Sir, you don’t have anyone with you. Least of all an ex-footballer.”

Presenter: “But I have a lot to pack into my shopping hour, and I always hope to get a Rangers* man along to give his views.”

Staff: “You really don’t have anyone with you, Sir. And anyway, even if you did, unless they meet the criteria for our special parking areas, you would still have to park in a normal space.”

Presenter: “This is outrageous! You mean you would inconvenience some of the finest footballers ever to play in Scotland? And create a risk that they might not be in peak pundit form? Which could mean that they forget to mention how supermarket loyalty cards helped Rangers* to win the Cup Winners’ Cup. Which would mean that I wouldn’t then be reminded to use my loyalty card. Which would mean that I miss out on points, and you have an even more unhappy shopper on your hands. What sort of madness is this?!” 

Etc.

Maybe they are better off staying in the studio? ๐Ÿ˜‰

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…


Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Very Long Wait


Good Evening.

It has been a very tedious day for The Clumpany. I was invited to be part of an airport Welcoming Committee for the new Sevco manager, and for the Director of Football which they may-or-may-not be getting, and who may-or-may-not have recently been interviewed in London.

Now, you might think that The Clumpany is an odd choice for Sevco welcoming duties, and to be honest I was quite surprised to get the call requesting my assistance this morning. But I don’t like to let down those who are less fortunate, so I dutifully headed off to the airport.

Once I arrived, it be came all-too-apparent why I had been invited. The reception group wasn’t so much a ‘party’ as a vigil. And a vigil which had been there for some considerable time! So long in fact that a shift system had been put in place, and lots of people had each taken a turn to loiter with a fixed grin and a ‘Welcome’ sign. 

The truth of the matter was that so many people had done a shift during the Great Wait that Sevco had gone through the whole of humanity and had no choice but to resort to asking ethereal entities to join the rota.

The scene was quite a grim one, with millions of empty disposable coffee cups, discarded cans of Irn-Bru, crumpled crisp packets, and screwed-up (orange) Club biscuit wrappers. A couple of folk were slumped on the floor atop some very grubby-looking blankets, and wearing Steak Bake grease-stained blazers and ties. Their complexions were so pale that it seemed as though they hadn’t been in natural daylight for an eternity.

One of their number saw me approach and greeted me with an almost embarrassing amount of gratitude. He explained that he and his once-smartly attired colleague were there to drive new arrivals back to Ibrox or No-Longer-Murray Park. They had to be on permanent waiting duty, but volunteers such as my good self were needed to cheer the arrivals off the plane, and carry any luggage as well as fetch coffee and (orange) Club biscuits for the drivers.

When I asked why they had been there for so long, the beleaguered duo informed me that there was ALWAYS something to await at the airport if you were Rangers*-minded. And to be fair, the list of reasons they gave me was quite impressive:

1) Rangers’* new top top top manager would be arriving any day now. Any. Day. Now. Honest. Everyone just needs to be patient. There is definitely no delay in making an appointment because of a lack of interested candidates (after all, 60 billion individuals have recently been linked with the role). And it couldn’t possibly be the case that a shortage of funds was making it difficult to bring in even an interim manager. No Sir!

2) The Director of Football which Rangers* definitely want to recruit (unless they don’t) could be a prominent figure in European football. That’s got to be worth hanging around for! Apparently those flights from the Continent are much slower than you might think. Especially the ones that ‘jet in’…

3) Rangers* themselves are apparently ‘coming’. After all, their fans were boasting about it following Sevco’s promotion last season. The Premiership table suggests that they haven’t arrived yet, but where better to wait in the meantime than an airport terminal?

4) Dave King’s warchest is another long-awaited arrival at the airport. The Welcoming Committee was very excited when it first stood expectantly with a big “We Welcome Dave’s Cash” banner in March 2015. Sadly, even the most ardent enthusiast is now beginning to wonder whether its flight went off course and disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle. But until confirmation is received, the mindless optimism can continue!

Clearly there are very good reasons for having a permanent Welcoming Committee stationed at the airport, and The Clumpany was glad to able to help out today. But boy was it tedious! No new manager, no Director of Football, no ‘coming’ Rangers* and no war chest were to be seen. Just endless foul coffee and (orange) Club biscuits.

As I was about to leave the airport earlier this evening, I noticed a few people milling around in floods of tears. I asked my two new associates what was going on as they appeared to recognise them. 

“That’s the other waiting delegation”, one of them explained. “They come in for an hour every day.”

When I enquired as to why there was a second delegation, the other chap sucked a bit of Steak Bake grease out of his tie and said “Oh they are nothing to do with us. Those are the nutters. They call themselves ‘Rangers Creditors’ and come here to wait for payment from what they call the ‘same club’. 

I can see why they might want to wait here for something to happen. After all, that’s what we do all day. But FFS, that ‘creditor’ crap is all to do with the holding company. Airports are for Club business. 

Speaking of which, could you pass me another Club biscuit? Orange please.”

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football

How Celtic Got Away With It

“I think we’ve got away with it Dermot. Mwahahahaha!”

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to expose the shameful shenanigans which have resulted in Celtic Football Club being able to submit an application to build a new hotel and museum complex alongside Celtic Park.

Celtic underhandedly built a sustainable operation over several decades, accumulating money that was outrageously their own, and earning a horrifying creditworthiness that is an appalling testament to their disgusting hard work and prudence.

Their disgracefully effective board and sickeningly productive chief executive produced gut-wrenchingly ambitious-yet-achievable plans, and brazenly built good relationships with many potential partner organisations and the civil authorities.

Celtic also humiliatingly followed good procurement practice and shamefully spent their money in paying an appallingly fair price for various pieces of land. Their attention to detail in not obtaining any underhand State Aid or other subsidies from the taxpayer, and in only paying what they could afford will forever be a mark on their reputation.

The volume of evidence about Celtic’s corrupt and shameless acts of going about things in the right way is truly jaw-dropping. I shall be publishing it and sending it to the authorities any day now…

No really…

Honestly…

If you are as outraged as The Clumpany, I strongly recommend that you write a lot of angry online posts, and send an infinite number of Freedom of Information requests to every public body in the Universe.

Alternatively, you could simply send a ‘Well Done’ card to congratulate Celtic on getting away with it for so long… ๐Ÿ˜‰

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Up To 60 Billion Applicants

“This club’s rightful place is at the top of Scottish football”

**Remarkably, this is the 700th Clumpany blog! Many thanks for your your continuing support** 

Good Morning.

It seems that there IS life on other worlds after all.

The Clumpany deep space observatory was all set for yet another quiet night yesterday, when suddenly it intercepted an incredible number of signals from across the galaxy. It was amazing!

I alerted NASA to the exciting developments, but shockingly they didn’t believe me. That said that I am a fantasist who makes things up! Fancy that!

So The Clumpany dealt with the situation itself.

Top Clumpany scientists set to work decoding the messages, and were astonished by what they pieced together. It seemed to be a conversation about the managerial vacancy at Sevco. Here are the key communications, transcribed as best they could manage:

Messenger 1: “Embedded agent in Glasgow – Daily Record outpost – reports Ibrox recruitment. Says ‘most exciting job in universe, big history, massive investment, no rust or loans at all'”.

Messenger 2: “Confirmed. Position offers chance to conquer a Scot Land then a Your-Ope, with possibility of dominating universe.”

Messenger 1: “Clear danger though. Outpost Daily Record reports up to 60 applicants for job.”

Messenger 2: “Joking?”.

Messenger 1: “No, Record agent says they are serious applicants.”

Messenger 2: “Suggest bring forward plans to conquer Universe. Ibrox job key strategic priority. Champions League trophy needed to power new weapons systems”.

Messenger 1: “Strategy agreed. No human must get that job. Please proceed to submit applications. All 6o billion citizens of our home planet must apply.”

Messenger 2: “Implementing now. Stationery and second class stamps being activated at key missile silos.”

Messenger 1: “Prepare follow-up ground invasion. May be required if Bomber Brown given job by mistake. Army must secure deeds.”

Messenger 2: “Plan confirmed. Operation ’60 Billion Serious Applicants’ is underway. Hope outpost Daily Record does not blow our cover.”

The Clumpany is still reeling from the potential  implications of this explosive intercept!

We must all hope that the Sevco board make the right decision when appointing a new manager. The fate of the Universe could depend upon it…

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Celtic’s Yurt Hurt

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Good Evening.

Coming to an entirely imaginary newspaper near you soon…

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Celtic’s Yurt Hurt As Gers* Unveil In-Tents Growth Plans

By A. Premier-Inn

Rangers* last night stole a march on their Old Firm rivals Celtic by unveiling plans for a spectacular new accommodation, museum and leisure facility alongside Ibrox.

The state-of-the-art complex, which could be completed as soon as the wind drops, promises to be a real money-spinner for the Light Blues. In fact it looks set to completely bridge the financial gap with Brendan Rodgers’ side, who have reaped the benefits of Champions League participation, and who have unveiled their own mediocre plans to open a so-called ‘hotel’.

The ‘Same Club’ Yurt will be erected on a patch of wasteland outside Ibrox and will sleep up to two people as well as being available to hire for meetings and… err… stuff.

A jacuzzi, sauna, and massive TV will all be available, although not in the Yurt. You’ll need to make your own arrangements. A swimming pool will be open for the private use of guests on days when the adjacent potholes have filled up with rainwater.

Hot and cold water will be available on hot and cold days respectively, and fresh straw will be laid on the floor twice-yearly, guaranteeing a perfect night’s sleep for any lost farm animals. Breakfast will be provided at no additional expense, provided that guests like the taste of sparrow and have quick hands.

A stay at the ‘Same Club’ Yurt will include complimentary admission* to the Glasgow Rust Museum [* not available on matchdays as the ground will be busy].

Prices for a night in the Yurt can be calculated by referring to the magnitude of the ‘going concern’ warning in the same club’sย accounts. No discounts, refunds or hope can be offered.

Asked about the ‘Same Club’ Yurt, a Rangers* spokesman said “These rumours that it’s not an actual Yurt but a few old pieces of tarpaulin are absolutely outrageous. Rangers* are a cosmopolitan club with global connections. This is clearly the biggest and most successful Yurt in the entire history of Yurtdom. This is going to win us the Champions League and put Celtic back in the shade. Would you like to watch a clip on our website which shows you what it’s like inside the Yurt? It will only cost you 99p”.

Celtic declined to comment on the story, but a spokesman gave us a picture of Peter Lawwell polishing a solid gold model of the planned Parkhead hotel.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Mind Your Own Business!


Good Morning.

You may be surprised to learn that The Clumpany receives quite a few ‘lively’ comments in response to its outpourings. Particularly (but not exclusively) from Sevco fans who don’t seem to enjoy seeing either of their ‘clubs’ and various assorted holding companies and engine room subsidiaries held up to close examination and the odd bit of ridicule.

My motto in these matters is “if it wasn’t pant-pissingly hilarious, I wouldn’t laugh at it.” [NB I really should have that translated into Latin and put on a coat of arms above the main entrance to Clumpany Towers. It would be an impressive sight for visitors crossing the drawbridge.]

The sort of comments I receive tend to be on the creative side, such as “#Obsessed” (always with a hashtag for added gravitas), “sad”, “tragic”, “boring”, and “get a life” etc. None of the witty replies ever includes an explanation of how an incorporated football club can actually survive liquidation. 

Funny that.

One of my favourite cutting retorts is “why don’t you concentrate on your own team?”. This always makes me wonder whether the person uttering it can’t comprehend that it is possible to hold more than one thought at a time, or to consider how multiple things relate to each other. 

I was reminded of the “why don’t you concentrate on your own team?” ‘jibe’ when I saw this Tweet from one of the Scottish S*n’s finest last night.


I am sure no malice was meant by the jibe, and the recipient then engaged in good-natured banter. However, it did seem to be a curious remark from someone who works in an industry which is all about being inquisitive and generally taking an interest in a wide range of things. Particularly, newsworthy things. Which neither Rangers (IL) nor Sevco have ever been short of!

Applied more widely, the natural conclusion of the sentiments expressed in the Tweet make for some startling questions:

What is David Attenborough doing making wildlife documentaries? He’s not even an elephant FFS!

Why doesn’t Professor Brian Cox keep his mouth shut? All that astrophysics talk and he doesn’t even live in space!

What is Chris Froome doing cycling round France, when he’s got a perfectly good car at home?

Why do the residents of Coronation Street shrink themselves down to tiny size and go to millions of people’s houses several times a week? Can’t they just live their lives at a normal size in one place like everyone else?

Why did Helen Mirren go around pretending to be The Queen? She’s got her own identity to get her through the day!

Why is Mark Warburton saying that he was sack when he already has a good solid resignation in place?

Answers on a postcard, please…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…