Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Win Or Win With Pedro Caixinha

Duck

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that it has not been the best of weeks for Pedro away from his managerial responsibilities at Sevco.

In an attempt to relax from the pressures of managing the world’s most tribute-y tribute act, he went to a fun fair and tried his luck at one of those ‘prize EVERY time’ stalls. It was a hook-a-duck game and Pedro was certain that he couldn’t lose. Sadly, however, things went wrong when he over-exuberantly cast his rod, fell over and somehow managed to lose the no-lose game! As well as get escorted off the premises…

He then tried to cheer himself up with a bet on the horses. There were only four in the race and the three he hadn’t backed pulled up after only a couple of furlongs. Pedro was quids in! He couldn’t lose! How unfortunate then that a sudden freak flame-thrower accident incinerated his betting slip as he walked across the shop to collect his winnings?

Determined to remain positive, Pedro then decided to collect some money that he definitely couldn’t lose out on. He’d taken out PPI on numerous occasions over the years and had been meaning to contact one of those companies who are able to get you money back from banks who had engaged in mis-selling. Kerching!

What a time for Pedro’s phone network to go down! And what a moment for his broadband to fail! And who could have predicted that his carrier pigeon would suddenly decide to take a day off? It was another loss snatched from the winning jaws of win-winner-y.

Fearing that he might start having doubts about his relentless winning ways, Pedro realised that there was only one thing for it. To have a short break in his caravan. His was the best caravan in the world and could beat any other mobile accommodation for speed, style, comfort and imperviousness to the barking of dogs. Pedro’s caravan is the caravan of a true winner and he just knew that a trip in it would set the right winning note for the upcoming League Cup semi-final against Motherwell.

The news that Pedro was doing some staunch caravanning would surely strike fear into his team’s opponents and inspire his own players to a famous victory. Especially when they heard about the awe-inspiring effects of his recent innovative modifications to his pride and joy.

“I will crush Motherwell under the tyres of my new triangular wheels” Pedro was heard to say, just before his caravan overturned and went into a ditch.

Nae luck Pedro!

At least you managed to win or win on the pitch today…

Oh dear…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun… and all we are saying is Give Ped A Chance

Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

Empty Seats

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that the Hibs and SPFL boards have (separately) met in emergency session tonight to discuss the c10,000 empty seats in the ‘Hibs end’ at Hampden during today’s Hibs-Celtic League Cup semi-final.

The Clumpany understands that both boards have concluded that “these things happen but it would be best if we all moved on”.

The Clumpany also hears from sources close to senior officials at the SPFL and Hibs that Rod Petrie is a fantastic guy and is rightly a shoe-in to be the next SFA President because of the so-called ‘rules’ and the priority attached to time-serving by Scottish football’s governing body. Any dissenting view could be construed as being ‘coal-raking’ and is thus best dismissed out of hand.

Following extensive investigation, The Clumpany notes without any belief whatsoever that the powers that be know what they are doing in running a ticketing operation for a high-profile Cup match between two well-supported sides which results in 10,000 empty seats in the national stadium.

After all, it’s only football, and it’s only a question of how easily deeply-committed fans without ready access to a blazer from a mediocre tailor can get to watch their team.

Isn’t it?

It really is no biggie…

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football

Emergency Assistance For Celtic Fans

Were you upset by Neil Lennon cupping his ears during today’s lively Celtic-Hibs League Cup semi-final?

Were you tempted to call the police about Lennon’s actions?

Were you thinking that it was an absolute outrage that a successful Fenian tried to engage in faintly-mocking banter?

Do you feel that you deserve better?

Do you feel that Lennon doesn’t know his place when encountering a Big Team?

Are you convinced that Neil Lennon just can’t help himself?

Do you want to see Lennon crushed because of his uppity activities?

Do you think Lennon has got away with his ‘shameless provocation’ for far too long?

No? Excellent! You must be a human being with a sense of perspective about a game of football.

Have you therefore ever thought of undertaking educational missionary work with those less-fortunate? Namely Sevco fans?

If so, please call Club 1872. Not to offer any assistance, but to simply deliver the heartfelt guffawing they are due.😉

#KeepOnClumping

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Alex McLeish Isn’t Desperate

Good Evening.

I had a call from my good pal Alan today. It was nice to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. 😉

He was excited because he had seen Alex McLeish as he was walking past Hampden Park, and he wanted to tell me about a conversation he’d overheard between McLeish and a passing football fan.

Alan said he was happy for me to pass on the details to the Clumping community on strict condition that I made it absolutely clear that McLeish is NOT desperate to be the next Scotland manager.

>>>>>>

Fan: “Hi Alex. Good to see you! You here at Hampden for an interview to be the next Scotland manager?”

McLeish: “Errr no. I was just passing. Although I am open to the idea of doing the job again.”

Fan: “Only I have seen you all over the papers talking about it..”

McLeish: Being in all the papers talking about a magnificent post that any Scot would be proud to fill does not mean I really want it. I am simply open to the idea.”

Fan: “But you must fancy it? All that travel, prestige and the big salary!”

McLeish:I wouldn’t describe myself as closed to the idea. In fact I am open to it.”

Fan: “And then there’s your EBT tax bill to pay. That must be a good few quid. A tidy number like the Scotland job would be a godsend for you right now wouldn’t it?”

McLeish: [*Glares*]

Fan: “Ach, I’m only joking big man. The club probably indemnified you against the bill didn’t they? Not that terrible holding company thing . But you must be quite tempted to replace wee Gordon? In fact I can’t blame you for being well up for it!”

McLeish: “I wouldn’t say I was up for it. Or down.”

Fan:Of course not. You’ve done ‘down’ before though, haven’t you? Heading down south, for example, to take the Birmingham job when you were manager of that northern place… What was it called? Ah yes! Scotland! When you were manager of Scotland.”

McLeish: “I’ve moved around and I am always open to possibilities. Such as being the manager of Scotland.”

Fan:Admit it man! You’re desperate for that job! You can’t wait to start!”

McLeish: “I’m not desperate. I am merely open to the possibility of taking the role if asked. I am quite relaxed about it.”

Fan: I see you are wearing a full Scotland kit and carrying bagpipes outside Hampden, Alex. You are really keen aren’t you?”

McLeish: “I’m not keen. But I am certainly open to the truly wonderful post should it be presented to me like manna from Heaven.”

Fan: “So what’s with the outfit then? You look like you are embarrassing yourself in a shameless bid to get the top job.”

McLeish: This outfit? Oh this is just the first thing I grabbed out of the wardrobe this morning. It isn’t trying to issue a forlorn plea to the wonderful SFA Board to come and get me.”

Fan: “Are you certain about that?”

McLeish: “Of course. Although I remain open to all managing-Scotland possibilities.”

Fan: “So that wasn’t you polishing Stewart Regan’s car this morning?”

McLeish: “I am open to polishing Scotland’s fortunes and getting them to Euro 2020.”

Fan: “And that wasn’t you throwing rose petals in front of Rod Petrie and Alan McRae as they walked through the car park earlier?”

McLeish:I am open to helping Scotland to come up smelling of roses. If asked.”

Fan: “So you are absolutely, definitely, NOT desperate to become Scotland manager and will NOT publicly embarrass yourself in pursuit of the job, Alex?”

McLeish: “Absolutely not”.

Fan: “So it will be no biggie if the SFA tells you to p*ss off and gives the job to Malky Mckay on a permanent basis instead?”

And at that point, it turned out that Alex McLeish WAS open to crying like a baby in public…

>>>>>>

Let’s all thank Alan for the update!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Brendan Rodgers: Scotland Manager

Good Evening.

Have you ever wondered what the next step up from ‘clickbait’ might be when it comes to the output of the Scottish sports media?

I have. And today I think I may have found an answer.

The answer appears to be “unadulteratedly embarrassing shite”. 😉

And here it is…

SFA should ask Celtic boss Brendan Rodgers if he wants the Scotland job

In which Scott McDermott throws out a few names for the extremely uncoveted role of international stunt man prepared to take a fall for the SFA one day. A post which is also known as “The Scotland Football Manager”.

Mr McDermott’s list – if you can attribute such systematic thinking to the piece – includes a variety of familiar, exotic, edgy and clearly unattainable names.

The latter category includes someone who ends up being the heart of the attempted article: a certain undefeated treble-winning, twice-Champions League-qualifying Celtic manager who also has credentials from English Premier League clubs.

Yes, that’s right. The piece says some random stuff about how it wouldn’t hurt the SFA to try asking Brendan Rodgers about doing the Scotland job alongside the Celtic responsibilities to which he appears deeply committed, and to which he seems to recommit on an almost hourly basis!

Hmmm….

Well, Mr McDermott, let us note the following:

  • Brendan Rodgers’ employers have multiple reasons (both contractual and in terms of a shameful lack of even-handed governance) to tell the SFA to fuck off as far as possible and then a bit further; and
  • Brendan himself has some modicum of ambition beyond being the next blazer-wearing scapegoat for years of failure by the SFA’s international side…

And let us therefore conclude that you really would be just as well printing a picture of Mr Spoon – noted traveller to Button Moon – in your paper and explaining why there is no harm in asking him to do the job instead. After all, he might accept, and he might be brilliant at it.

What’s the harm in asking, eh?

Alternatively, perhaps we could ask a VHS cassette of the film ‘Braveheart’ to be the next Scotland manager? Sure, it might be a bit old-school and rough around the edges, but you couldn’t fault the passion that it would put on display. Assuming you could find a VHS player…

There’s no harm in asking the VHS cassette there?

Then again, maybe the Dark Lord Sauron could be approached? Yes he is a fictional character, and yes he did once come a cropper merely by virtue of a ring being cut off his finger. But he’s a ‘name’ isn’t he? Look at the alternatives! Gollum? Frodo Baggins? Elves? Surely Sauron is the man to ask about being the next Scotland manager?

What’s the worst he could do? Try and lay waste to a fictitious land like others have tried to trash a sport through imperfectly registered players?

I am sure you will agree that there is no harm in asking Sauron whether he fancies the job…

Of course, the other option available to the Sunday Mail in its search for a column inch-filling ‘solution’ to Scotland’s managerial vacancy might be to simply print a picture of a pile of manure (the bigger and more steaming the better) and ask its readers “do you smell shite?”.

Some sort of meaningful insight is bound to result from the debate on such an appropriately-framed question.

Isn’t it?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Freezing Out Pedro Caixinha

Good Evening.

Not appearing in a newspaper near you anytime soon…

>>>>>>

“F*ck, it’s going to be cold!”, says Pedro

The Gers* boss admits he is wary of the unanticipated change in climate which will hit Scottish football in the coming months.

By B.R.R.R.R.R. Freezing

Ibrox laugh-generator Pedro Caixinha has advised his players to take precautions against polar bears and marauding penguins to ensure they don’t suffer a winter of animal-based embarrassment.

The Portuguese boss admits he has been alarmed about the climate change that will uniquely strike Scottish football in the coming months, and believes that hardy creatures from the Arctic and Antarctic could disrupt his plans.

Temperatures have already started to drop and the gaffer has ordered Foxes Glacier Mints and Penguin chocolate biscuits to help his men fend off winter calamity.

To Caixinha’s astonishment, it turns out that winter can be cold in Scotland and he fears that large white ursine perils could beat his stars to the World Class breakfast at No-Longer Murray Park, while stray Antarctic birds could make them trip in the penalty box BEFORE they have got close enough to an opposition player to fool the referee into giving them a penalty.

Caixinha said: “I like wildlife documentaries, and I have heard that it can be cold in Scotland during the winter months. I naturally fear what damage polar bears and penguins might do to my plans, particularly if my dogs happen to be too cold to bark at my ice-covered caravan.

“The players can take precautions, and I encourage them to do that by having Foxes Glacier Mints with them at all times.

“The wrapper will remind them what a polar bear looks like. They can look at it and check if the large white bear in the canteen is indeed a polar bear. If it is, they will hopefully be fit enough to run away and eat the mints for breakfast instead.”

Pedro continued, “As for the Penguin biscuits they now carry… If they think they may be prevented from diving for a penalty by a flightless bird, they can look at the wrapper and check whether it is a penguin. If it is a penguin they must avoid it and then dive. They must not trip.

“However, if it is not a penguin and is – for example – an emu, they must dive immediately and our legal team will ensure we win the match on the basis of the opposition fielding an unseasonal flightless bird.

“It is part of the players’ lives to accept that there is winter and there is football. I do not underestimate the challenge to my players in embracing this difficult truth.

“I need to incentivise them to deal with the polar bears and the penguins. If we have the need to help some guys we might invite these cold-weather creatures on the team bus to help improve familiarity. If nothing else, they will certainly get a seat before Kenny Miller.

“But if we have data that tells us it would be better for the boys to have a break from looking out for polar bears and penguins, we will give them that break.

“I have spoken to the club doctor about the need for iceberg supplements and I think it could be made part of what they require to prepare.

“Because when all else fails, we can fall back on an iceberg/ ‘Titanic’ analogy. It is important to have it prepared. Because although we know that we will be cold, we also know that we are likely to sink.”

>>>>>>

And if you think the above is silly, take a look at this…

Rangers* boss Pedro Caixinha guarding against Ibrox winter of discontent as he dishes out vitamin D supplements to stars

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Acting On Offensive Banners

Good Evening.

The Clumpany got into a great big row with its ethereal neighbours yesterday.

I was in a slightly bolshy mood and put a banner on the front of Clumpany Towers which simply said “down with this sort of thing”.

I then thought nothing of it until there was a loud knock on the door. The knock surprised me as the Clumpany Drawbridge was up at the time and it usually takes someone with arms like Mr Tickle to knock in those circumstances.

But where there’s a will there’s a way, and it turned out the neighbour had erected a platform with very shaky foundations, and used it as an impromptu bridge to cross the Clumpany Moat.

Ingenious, eh?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my neighbour was in a bit of a state over the banner and demanded to know why I was creating a disturbance when apparently there are “bigger battles to fight”.

I explained that I was peacefully expressing my annoyance over an issue in a non-threatening way. When challenged about what I was “stupidly kicking up a fuss over” I said “oh you know, little things like equal treatment by the law for everyone”.

The neighbour stormed off in a high state of dudgeon, suggesting that I was deluded.

Two minutes later, another neighbour knocked on the door. It was clear that they had been speaking to the first neighbour. It seems that word soon gets round in these days of social media! The second neighbour demanded to know why I couldn’t just accept that I didn’t know best, and that my opinion was both unhelpful and unwelcome.

I replied that it was a free country, and that I simply fancied making a very general point that others were perfectly entitled to ignore. I also said that I was happy to discuss the issues further if helpful.

Neighbour number two said that there was absolutely nothing to discuss, and explained that I should reflect on how I was “undermining things” and thereby “helping others”. Sadly they did not specify quite what these ‘things’, and who these ‘others’ were as they stomped off into the distance.

This continued for hours on end, with neighbours coming to the door in ever-increasing numbers and demanding that I stop embarrassing myself and talking things down.

Each time someone complained I asked what their actual substantive point was, and whether they shared my concern over equality of treatment by the law. And each time I was met with incredulity at not accepting the status quo, interspersed with vague hostile accusations that I might be ‘doing their work’.

Some even laughed at me when I asked “isn’t it a sign of a healthy society that I can put up a banner which makes a pretty modest protest in a non-offensive way?”.

Overall, The Clumpany found the experience utterly bizarre, not least because it continued into a second day!

To be honest, I think the objections of my neighbours may turn out to be counterproductive because I am now tempted to take my banner off the wall and on the road.

In fact, I may take it to a football match in Scotland.

What’s the worst that could happen? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of satire about the way social media works….

NB2 I said remember folks, it’s a bit of satire about the way social media works….