Celtic, Satire, Sevco, SPFL

The Lawwellsberg Address

Good Evening.

Reports suggested that Peter Lawwell gave a “rousing speech” to yesterday’s virtual SPFL EGM. By pulling a few strings, The Clumpany has been able to get hold of a transcript of his remarks. I hope they inspire you as much as they do me

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Four score and fourteen months ago a founder brought forth against Brechin, a new club, conceived in taking liberties, and dedicated to the proposition that both Rangers are created The People.

Now Sevco is engaged in a great toddler strop, testing whether that ‘club’, or any ‘club’ so conceived and so debt-laden, can long endure. We are met in a Zoom call for that strop. We have come to dedicate a portion of our patience as a final resting place for those who here present an embarrassing dossier that Fitba might laugh. We are all together pissing our pants that they should do this.

But, in a wider sense, we can not dedicate – we can not tolerate – we can not allow – this bullsh*t. The crazed men – boardroom and fans – who struggle here, have desecrated Fitba, far above the Compliance Officer’s power to blast or attack. Planet Fitba will little note, nor long remember what you Zoomers say here, but it will never forget what Sevco did here. It is for us the rational, rather, to now undertake here all the ballot casting choices which they who brought us online have thus far so ignobly deserved.

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great vote remaining before us – that for this dishonored Sevco we should pay decreased attention to that cause for which they never had the first measure of dignity – that we here highly resolve that this zombie resolution will die this day – that Planet Fitba, under Lawwell, shall have a new birth of freedom – and that Fitba only of The People, by The People, for The People, shall perish from the earth. Like Rangers did.

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With apologies to Abraham Lincoln, here is the original in its varied forms… http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/gettysburg.htm

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Sevco, SPFL

A Shocking Loan And Bribery Scandal

Good Afternoon.

Probably appearing in a mainstream publication any moment now…

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EXCLUSIVE – “Heads must roll” following new SPFL loan and bribery scandal

Rangers* are expected to call for resignations following the latest shocking revelation that Neil Doncaster misled Stewart Robertson about a loan prior to the current lockdown.

By F.F. Sake.

The SPFL was plunged into fresh turmoil last night as details emerged of Rangers’* Managing Director being given incorrect information about the possibility of a loan by Neil Doncaster.

Doncaster is no stranger to loan…advance…err…. loan…err advance…. err LOAN-related controversy. He has recently been the subject of Rangers’* ire following something or other relating to the SPFL vote on ending the 2019-20 season, and it is understood that the latest revelations will be added to the dossier which Rangers* will absolutely definitely and without word of a lie present to SPFL members next week.

“Heads must roll” explained our insider. “The dossier will read like a charge sheet and Doncaster is going down. Especially if he dials into the 12 May EGM from his living room and has to descend from an upstairs room before it starts”.

It is understood that the latest shock news came to light when Stewart Robertson was staring at a blank sheet of paper and a senior member of the Ibrox hierarchy shouted at him “For f*ck’s sake, think of something”.

“And then Stewart had a lightbulb moment!” said our source. “He may be the Managing Director but we are short of cash so he also does a bit of routine maintenance about the place.”

Having changed the broken lightbulb, Robertson recalled an encounter with Neil Doncaster at Hampden in January this year.

“Stewart had been to a meeting and fancied a drink before he left so he went to a vending machine he happened to see. He rummaged in his pocket but found he had no change” reveals our insider.

“But then as luck would have it, Neil Doncaster was passing by and a conversation ensued.

“Stewart asked if he could borrow some money to buy a drink.

‘No problem’ said Doncaster. ‘How much?’

‘£2.4 million please”, stated Robertson. ‘I’ll pay you back in a manner and at a time of my choosing.’

‘What?!’ exclaimed Doncaster. ‘I haven’t got that sort of money to hand , and even if I did, I’d be sacked for lack of competence if I handed it over to you on those terms!’

‘I see’ said Robertson, staring intently at Doncaster. ‘Rangers’* and I are astonished at the SPFL’s out of hand dismissal of a perfectly reasonable request. Could you lend me £1 instead then? I’m gasping.’

‘Of course!’ beamed Doncaster. He reached into his pocket and pulled out two 50p coins.

‘What’s this?’ asked Robertson. ‘I asked if you could lend me £1.’

‘And there you are’ said Doncaster. ‘£1, the machine takes 50ps so you will be fine.’

‘I’m afraid that’s not acceptable to me or to Rangers*’ muttered Robertson darkly. ‘The integrity of my drink purchase is at stake. Now, can you or can you not lend me £1 for the drink?’

‘Hold on a minute’ said Doncaster, delving into his pockets again. ‘Ah, here you are Stewart. £1 but no 50ps!’

‘What’s that?’ said Robertson with a tone of disgust in his voice.

‘It’s five 20p coins’ explained Doncaster ‘£1. The machine will accept them. Enjoy your drink Stewart’.

‘I’m afraid that Rangers* and I are extremely disappointed by the partial and inaccurate information that you have provided Neil’ scowled Robertson.

‘What do you mean?’ asked Doncaster utterly bewildered.

‘Rangers* and I are aghast at the poor communication from the SPFL and its lack of probity in dealing with my perfectly reasonable request which was made in the interests of the game as a whole” explained an annoyed Robertson.

‘Look Stewart’ said Doncaster. I can lend you a pound for a drink, but I don’t have a POUND COIN. I don’t see that it makes any difference.’

‘Rangers* and I are alarmed by the SPFL’s unwillingness to listen to us in an even handed way’ said Robertson raising his voice. ‘I wish to call for an independent review of your part in this shambolic vending machine crisis’.

‘Well Stewart that’s your prerogative, but an independent investigation wouldn’t be the best use of anyone’s time or money’ explained Doncaster. ‘How about I just buy you the coffee instead?’

‘Ah so now you are bribing Rangers* and me to drop our concerns’ gasped Robertson. ‘That is a very grave matter indeed…'”

The SPFL has been approached for a comment on these latest bombshell revelations.

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun. Real life is much stranger.

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

A Surprise Radio Guest

Good Morning.

I could have sworn that I heard this on the radio recently…

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Presenter: “Ah that last item brought back some memories. Rangers’ 9-in-a-row will live forever! Heroes to a man. We’ll return to Rangers’ brilliance on the field a little later and discuss how Scottish football deprived them of the 2008 UEFA Cup by not extending the season. The b*stards.”

Pundit: “Didn’t that season actually finish on a Thur…”

Presenter: “Sorry, I have to cut you off there. In fact we are now muting all the mics except mine and one for a very special surpise guest. The rest of the guys on the show have no idea we are about to do this, but I am sure they will enjoy it as much as me.

“As you all know, Rangers* have been vocal in calling out the SPFL’s handling of the resolution to end the season in which Dundee played the hokey cokey with their vote.

“The SPFL announced that an independent inquiry carried out by Deloitte had found no evidence of wrongdoing. But Rangers* have responded by saying ‘no wrongdoing my arse’ and have called for a general meeting to discuss and vote upon the matter. They say that General Meeting is prepared to park his tanks on the SPFL’s lawn and that they have the support of other clubs. We don’t know who those clubs are, but sources close to this programme have told us that General Meeting may have support from Major Cock-Up, so that could be Hearts given how their season has gone.

“Right. Time for our suprise guest who has the inside track on this saga, and who can hopefully shed some light on what happens next. Welcome to the programme Sooty! How are you doing Sooty?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “That’s good to hear Sooty. I hope Sweep and Soo are keeping well.”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “That’s great Sooty. Have you still got that signed picture of Barry Ferguson on the wall?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “Brilliant Sooty. What a player eh?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “Anyway we were hoping to get your take on the SPFL vote row. Do you agree with Rangers* that the whole thing stinks to high Heaven and that there should be an independent inquiry?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “I thought so. Quite right too Sooty. Quite right.”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “What’s that Sooty? You think it’s all an elaborate plot to gerrymander a vote to ensure that Celtic get a tainted title? Strong words, but I can’t imagine any right-thinking people disagreeing with you.”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “And you also think it is very revealing that Mr Mander’s first name is ‘Gerry’? Well I think people will draw their own conclusions there, Sooty.”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “And you feel there is no option but for Neil Doncaster and Murdoch MacLennan to be suspended. From a great height?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “And you think Scottish football is a cesspit of corruption solely focused on doing Rangers* down? And that only the noble Rangers* board can save the inegrity of the sport in this truly dark hour?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “Well I think a lot of poeple will agree with you Sooty. Any final thoughts before you have to go?”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “‘No Surrender’ eh Sooty? I think that is a sentiment that will chime with many of our listeners, and is a great thought to leave us on. Thanks for joining us Sooty!”

Sooty: [*Silence, jiggling about and waving his arms*]

Presenter: “That was Sooty there, calling it as he sees it. Let’s just bring in the other lads now and ask for their reaction to Sooty.”

Pundit: “What was Sooty doing on here? What value is added by an empty headed puppet with nothing to say other than blindly promoting the latest nonsense coming out of Ibrox? It’s absolutely rid…”

Presenter: “I’m afraid I have to stop you there, as we need to move on to the 2008 season. Joining me on the line to discuss how Rangers were shamefully treated by spiteful forces in Scottish football is Marina from Stingray….”

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of satirical fun and could never happen in real life…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Guest Blog: Dobbin The Horse Discusses Alex Rae

Neigh.

Hang on a minute. Is this translator device working now.?

Neigh!

No, it’s nae working. Or do I mean neigh working?

Ah, maybe it IS working now. Let’s see if I can get this written before the translator breaks down. I guess I’ll just have to write this on the hoof…

F*cking hell it’s hard being a horse. Especially when you get donkeys muscling on in on your territory.

Anyway. Alex Rae. Veteran of an inexplicable number of media outlets, and always seemingly happy to play the role of the world’s only pantomime horse where both ends are an arse. 😉 What’s he like? No one is going to mistake him for a STABLE genius like Donald Trump are they, that’s for sure…

Apparently he said something today about how if the Champion Hurdle was run over the length of his EBT documentation and everyone fell over before the end, there wouldn’t be enough bodies left lying there to cover up the full scale of the cash that could have gone to public services if only dead Rangers had paid a proper share of taxes like everyone else.

Because of Celtic.

Or something.

To be fair, he has a point. I know this because – as a horse – I know manure when I see it. Although if one of my equine pals produced horsesh*t quite like Mr Rae I’d be telling them to get themselves down to the vet pretty sharpish to have themselves checked out.

Anyway, on to football, as I hear Mr Rae likes to talk about it. On behalf of the horse community I would just like to say neigh! No really. I want to say ‘neigh’. I’ll turn the translator off for that bit or it might get confused and I’ll end up apparently saying some random nonsense like “I can’t see past Rangers* for the title this season”. And no one wants to appear like that much of an idiot in a public forum do they?

As I was saying, I say NEIGH to Alex Rae. I don’t know what he thought he had been watching when he made his comments today, but I can definitively state that no horses have been involved in Scottish football this season. Especially falling ones. Mr Morelos may go down in the box like an attention seeking imposter at the Spanish Riding School, and he may appear to have been eating like a horse of late, but he definitely ISN’T an actual horse.

Some people might say that Mr Rae was making a highly partisan point about stopping Celtic from winning the league because he doesn’t like them and would love to see their march to nine and possibly ten in a row stopped at any cost. But I say that this suggestion can’t possibly be entirely true. Mr Rae doesn’t even know Ann let alone go to any of her parties. 😉

Mr Rae may want to see Celtic deprived of a title through some sort of… err… horseplay however.

On behalf of the entire horse community I would like to conclude by inviting Mr Rae to stick to things he knows about. However I suspect that this suggestion might end up with him wandering round aimlessly with a tube of unused superglue in his hand.😉

So I will simply sign off by saying the following. Hey Rae. Neigh!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun at the expense of the circus that is Scottish football…

Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

A Guest Blog By Steven Gerrard

There’s been a lot of talk in the papers and online recently about the performance of my Rangers* side, and about whether I’m happy in the job.

So I’m absolutely delighted to be given this opportunity to set the record straight. And in case anyone has any doubts about whether what I am about to say is true, let me state that I take full responsibility for it. Although obviously if there’s any misunderstanding or if things turn out differently to what I say, then can I just say how disappointed I am that The Clumpany has let me down like this? I’ve given that blog everything. Nothing’s been too good for it. And if I put things on a plate for someone I expect a bowlful of respect, loyalty and quality performance from them.

No one is hurting more than I am about how badly this blog has been received. Tim Berners-Lee did brilliantly in training this week and we had a great tactics session. But his World Wide Web has sold me down the river by putting something so disappointing out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I stand by everyone involved in getting this blog published. The buck stops with me. But no one is more upset than I am that a keyboard, wires, electricity, and smartphones have undermined all my work to channel the 21st Century communications revolution for the good of Rangers* and allowed a substandard performance to disappoint the fans.

I am fully accountable for what’s gone on here. But no-one has been made sick to the stomach more than me to see words lose their formation and embarrass this club. I’ve given the English language every opportunity, and I honestly can’t believe it’s gone missing when the chips are up the creek without a sail.

Honestly, I represent this club, and take the criticism on the chin. My chin is the big cheese chin. It’s the head honcho of chins. I know that because my chin is usually attached to my head. But I’m gutted for the fans. I planned that blog, poured everything I could into it. There is no way that blog can look the supporters in their blinking eye, or in their other blinking eye, and say it has delivered for them.

I am all about honest performances. We don’t let any shortcomings lie in training. We have a polygraph to test them. Polly’s a lovely parrot. I bought her myself. The pet shop really let me down though, because I paid for a cat. That said, I take full responsibility for not trying to rectify my mistake at the time of purchase. I’ll explain that when I sue the pet shop in the courts.

So you can see how betrayed I feel. However, I am in charge and I have to accept the blame. I’m not going to say that everyone and everything has committed treason against my brilliant work to make Rangers* successful. But they all know I don’t like trees and yet I still end up seeing them every day.

Given the reception it’s had I won’t be writing any more guest blogs.

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[Note from The Clumpany: Steven Gerrard was subsequently informed that despite his claims, he hadn’t actually written the agreed guest blog and had instead ‘gone off on one’ about it possibly being badly received. The Clumpany subsequently got an unexpected opportunity to examine the underside of a bus and is considering a new career as a mechanic.]

NB This blog contains no actual Steve Gerrard. Remember folks, it’s always just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Patronising Michael Stewart

A STATEMENT ON MICHAEL STEWART

Following a complaint from our magnificent benefactor His Grace James Duke of Traynor about an absolutely disgusting foul mouthed tirade, the Headmaster has had a jolly stern word with Michael Stewart and explained in words of one syllable that it is not nice to disrespect your betters.

A clip round the ear was duly administered to the young upstart and Master Stewart has been sent out to pick up litter in the playground for as long as the Headmaster deems proper.

We always applaud our pupils for having their own ideas as long as they are the school’s ideas, and we encourage creativity as long as it has been faxed over from the offices of His Grace James Duke of Traynor. But Master Stewart has behaved in an uppity manner unbecoming of a pupil of this school and it simply won’t do.

Master Stewart agrees with what we say, and will continue to do so when he actually sees what we have said. On that basis, Master Stewart will one day be welcome to join the Headmaster and other pupils in the Sir Walter of Cardigan Sporting Integrity Common Room for lemonade and a special showing of the ‘Rangers: 9-In-A-Row’ Betamax video, which has been provided at the expense of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.

Provided that he remains silent at all times.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football

Clumpany Enters Market For Imperial Fashion Partner

The Clumpany is beside itself with ecstasy to confirm something about which no one was speculating. It is actively seeking a partner, or partners (because its diversity policy means that plurals are always welcome, even if some folk seem to enjoy being up to their knees in singulars) to be the ethereal entity’s Official ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ Maker.

The partnership will be multi-season and cover spring, summer and possibly autumn and winter too if His Big Mikeness allows it.

The Clumpany’s Head of Marketing Alan commented: “Hey! I’m over here. Can’t you see me? Oh… Anyway, we are dancing a non-Irish jig with delirious euphoria at being able to inform the Universe that we shall be engaging with absolutely anyone prepared to take on the job of making stylish but practical clothing for an Emperor we know. Really. Honestly.

“The Clumpany wants people or People to come into its new shop or log on to its website and buy top quality sports clothes which are fit for an Emperor. As a market leading brand, The Clumpany wants the clothes to break new boundaries of skin breathability and lightweight feel. In fact it wants them to appear completely invisible to the naked eye. To keep costs down.”

The timing of the potential partnership coincides with the relaunch of the T̶i̶t̶a̶n̶i̶c̶ Clumpany website which will henceforth only use the comic sans font. Also, we will be putting new batteries in The Clumpany’s cheap market-bought watch later tonight, so we can confidently and randomly mention having a digital transformation strategy.

The opportunity – no really, it’s an opportunity – includes the ability to operate shops and concessions (or ‘surrenders’ as we don’t like to call them).

Furthermore, The Clumpany will celebrate Alan’s landmark 150th Birthday in 2022. This provides a unique opportunity for our new partner to join us in deploying made up anniveraries as a marketing strategy.

For more information please see Alan. If you can…

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Meanwhile… Rangers* Enter Market For Kit & Retail Partner 😉

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Return Of Michael Stewart

Michael Stewart In Shock Return To Airwaves

BBC bosses have engineered a ‘dramatic breakthrough’ which will see the outspoken pundit return to Sportsound later this week.

By I. That’s-Likely

Controversial raving rant-meister Michael Stewart is set to return to the scene of his epic tirade against Jim Traynor following talks between possibly everyone involved other than Michael Stewart, and BBC bosses hope it will herald the dawn of a new golden era for their flagship radio sports programme

Following reports that Stewart would only be allowed back on air once the BBC could guarantee he wouldn’t repeat his vicious vileness, it is now understood that the Corporation’s top brass have come up with a plan so foolproof that there is only a 98% chance of Sportsound messing it up.

Our insider has been told that the BBC has decided to draw a cunning distinction between a pundit being ‘on’ Sportsound and them actually being in the studio or anywhere near an actual microphone.

“It’s brilliant” said our source. “Whatever you think about Stewart, he’s a loss to the programme. So the BBC can’t let this situation carry on any longer. But they can’t risk a repeat of upsetting anyone at Ibrox. You should see the messages they got from the fans after the last time. Not a single coherent sentence among them. Especially the emails that bypassed traditional electronic means of dissemination and were attached to rocks.

“So a compromise has been struck. Or was it my head by one of those rocks?”

Pressed for details of the BBC’s plans the insider shared some tantalising exclusive details

“The BBC will announce that Michael Stewart is coming back following a ‘dramatic breakthrough’ and then on the night of the first show the presenter will say ‘Welcome to the show. Michael Stewart is with us tonight’…. and that will be it.

“Of course no one will specify the sense in which Stewart is actually ‘with’ Sportsound. It could be ‘in spirit’ or ‘with us in our thoughts’. No one will be telling a lie but no one will be broadcasting Michael Stewart to the nation that’s for sure!”

Asked for a comment in order to make this article long enough, a former Celtic player you had forgotten about remarked “Michael Stewart? No he wouldn’t get in the Rangers* team just now. They’ve the best squad in the Galaxy. And in the Twix too. You can see why they are outgunning Celtic at every turn.”

Michael Stewart was unavailable for comment, which could well suit the BBC.

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…


Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

In Grave Danger Of Drying Out

Good Evening.

The Clumpany just had a call from my pal Alan. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. He was keen to update me on his latest bizarre experience.

Alan had somehow found himself in a Sevco supporting pub* and had witnessed a very strange scene. [* Don’t worry, no one noticed that he is a Celtic fan. In fact they didn’t notice anything about him at all…]

He said he was minding his own business at the far end of the bar, drinking a pint of his usual Super Strength Sevco Fans’ Tears when a young couple came in to the pub.

“What’ll it be?” grunted the barman.

The young man Billy looked at the hand-print cave paintings masquerading as a drinks list behind the bar and said he’d have a pint of bison.

The barman told him “not to be so f*cking cheeky as that clearly says lager. I wrote it myself”.

Billy quickly ordered a pint of lager. He then asked his girlfriend Billie what she would like, and having squinted up at the wall, she asked if they had any white wine.

Everyone in the pub stopped what they were doing and gasped.

The barman coughed and spluttered. “We don’t have much call for that love” he said.

Billie sighed and asked if the barman would have a look “to see if they had any in the back”.

Everyone in the pub shook their heads and sighed. The barman did likewise and stomped out of the back of the bar. After a couple of minutes of rattling and swearing he reappeared, covered in dust and clutching a grubby looking ancient bottle. He slammed it on the bar. “There you are love” he said. “Small, medium or large?”.

Billie sighed very loudly. “Dry please. And THAT bottle is sweet. Very sweet. So sweet it should be called Chateau Helicopter Sunday.” Her boyfriend laughed at what presumably passes for comedy in Sevconia. But the rest of the pub winced and muttered “Ooft” under their breath.

The barman was not pleased. “Look love” he grumbled, “This is a Rangers* pub. If you want taste and sophistication you can f*ck off elsewhere. Here we serve beer, lager, dignity and staunchness.”

“And meths!” shouted a very drunk sounding voice from near the dart board.

“Oi! William, I’ve told you before. P*ss off. You are barred.” yelled the barman. The decayed monument to excessive drinking that was apparently called William was then swiftly escorted off the premises.

Billie wasn’t going to let her wine disappointment drop. “OK barman. I know you are doing your best… but are you absolutely sure you can’t do me a dry white wine? Please.”

The barman paused, then smiled as if he’d had a ‘lightbulb moment’. “I’m sorry love, of course I can do you a dry white wine! How dry?”

“Ooh very dry please!” said a delighted Billie. “As dry as you can manage”.

“No bother” said the barman. Just give me a minute. He picked up his mobile phone, made a quick call out the back of the bar and then reappeared. He picked up a wine glass, blew off the decades of accumulated unpleasantness, set it down on the bar and picked up the bottle he had slammed down earlier.

“What are you doing?” exclaimed Billie. “That’s the sweet white wine”.

“No love, I’m serving dry white wine” said the barman.

“But…” said Billie.

“This is going to be very very very dry, just how you wanted” it said the barman. “It’s almost ready”.

As the barman placed the full wine glass on the bar there was a screech of brakes outside and suddenly three firefighters burst into the pub with a hose which was pumping out a jet of high pressured water.

“Over here!” said the barman, pointing to Billie. And with that the firefighters took aim at her glass and blasted water into it.

Billie screamed. The water kept on coming from the hose. It shattered the glass and proceeded to shower everyone in the pub and flood the entire floor.

And still it kept on coming.

“There you are love”, said the barman. I can’t make it any drier than that.

“What the f*ck is going on?” yelled Billie’s boyfriend Billy.

“A good question…” thought my pal Alan to himself as he scrolled through his Twitter timeline…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of very silly satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The World’s Most Ludicrous Bridge

The World’s Most Ludicrous Bridge

Experts have today slammed an “absolutely ridiculous” scheme to build the world’s longest bridge.

By A. Fantasy-Crossing

An attempt to construct a link between two distant places has been blasted by almost everyone who has heard about it. Plans for the bridge emerged in the media this morning, and sparked widespread incredulity and questions about sanity and value for money.

Efforts to deliver the ambitious link are still at an early stage, but those responsible are optimistic.

“People might be sceptical, but we can do this!” said the project leader. “We are proud of our work and are not afraid to tell everyone! Bring on the bridge!”

Others however were unimpressed. “What the hell is this crap?” said one member of the public when told of the scheme. “What a waste of time, effort and cash.”

“Haven’t they got anything better to do?” said another. “We need this Fantasy Island stuff like a hole in the head. I for one don’t believe any serious person would ever want to cross that bridge.”

But the project leader remained undeterred. “I don’t care what the naysayers think. This bridge is necessary and I am sure everyone will believe in it if they can just put aside their prejudice and listen to what I have to say.”

No completion date has been announced for the bridge, which will attempt to cross the yawning chasm between what happened in 2012 and what some of those involved now claim occurred. To be known as ‘The Scottish Sports Media/ Craig Whyte Revisionism Bridge’, thousands of Sevcopath experts have put good money on the crossing failing on the basis that “it seems like an intelligence-insulting pile of sh*te”.

Meanwhile, there was also something in the news today about a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…