Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Please Swallow The Lie!

Good Evening.

One of the less-celebrated facets of Scottish football is its rare capacity to allow us to savour a cliche transformed into reality.

We all laugh at BBC Scotland for being the sort of organisation that might have EBT recipients offering supposedly-worthwhile punditry. And we guffaw at them for doing so without a word of context about how their insights were obtained via a tax-avoiding scheme. A scheme that was trashed by the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom which ruled that the public purse had been left bereft of a lot of due funds.

What’s more, we piss ourselves at Clyde for being the sort of station that might possibly employ a relentless cheerleader of all things Ibrox such as Derek Johnstone. And for possibly doing so without worrying that the entire population of the Universe blessed with the ability to hear might one day accuse them of being a joke outfit.

And we also guffaw at the Scottish printed press for collectively being the sort of outlets that could conceivably regurgitate any old Ibrox-sympathetic crap in the name of selling papers

However we know that those things are ultimately untrue and that we have no reasonable choice other than to reflect that we are being paranoid.

We naturally assume that our suspicion of a Scottish sports media willing to allow a grievous assault on both facts and our intelligence is nothing more than a ridiculous fantasy.

This is – no doubt – a view that is shared by the sports desks of Scotland.

Nevertheless, once in a while we see something like the Sevco PR operation shouting down a journalist in a press conference and insisting that the ‘club’ Rangers wasn’t liquidated in 2012.

Jim Traynor stretches our credulity [Link via @gibbygibbo1]

And at that point you really can’t help but wonder whether you and and the entire national sport of Scotland are having the piss taken out of you on a grand scale.

I am sure the Scottish mainstream media will be along shortly to challenge Jim Traynor’s assertions rather than risk sentient humanity wondering whether our cliched expectations of spinelessness were actually correct.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Hibernian, Satire, Scottish Football

Hibernian’s Unfortunate Laundry Bill

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just received a completely fictitious note from Hibernian Football Club which certainly wasn’t written about the time that they put out this yellow-bellied statement…

Hibernian Try The Patience Of Some Very Decent Fans

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Dear Leith Launderama

Please find attached a sealed bag.

For the avoidance of doubt you should note that this has been specially delivered by a team of operatives wearing a staunch light blue hazmat suits adorned with the crest of the Scottish Football Association.

The contents of the bag require your urgent attention and dramatic intervention. Please deal with them as best you can so that we can hopefully present a vaguely credible image to the rest of the world at some point in the future.

It should be noted that your services are being procured on the basis of a strict non-disclosure agreement. Acceptance of our payment means that you will not under any circumstances disclose our very dirty secret…

The attached bag contains a pair of dramatically and spinelessly shat pants.

Please be aware that these pants do not contain any old shit. These festering malodorous undergarments contain the irrevocable stain and immovable solid residue of a truly epic trouser-soiling.

Sadly, Hibernian Football Club has absolutely lost control of its bowels in the face of the SFA being asked to participate in an independent review of the events which have affected Scottish football in recent years. Apparently the proposed review might look into the actions of key decision makers and seek to provide guidance on how the national sport should be governed in the future.

Although this might appear a reasonable request to some people, Hibernian Football Club has found itself subject to colossal and severely damaging pant-shitting. As such we must distance ourselves from this reckless bowel-challenging request for transparency.

Hibernian Football Club wishes Scottish football well and aims to play a full part in delivering its future success. However, it hopes that this success can ultimately be achieved via the medium of unsoiled trousers.

But for the avoidance of doubt, Rod Petrie not becoming SFA President will be a price too high… 😉

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Exclusive Interview With Stewart Regan

Good Evening.

Stewart Regan undertook some media engagements this morning. In them, he commented upon the SFA’s refusal to engage with a requested review into the governance of Scottish football in recent years.

Afterwards, Mr Regan didn’t sit down for a chat with The Clumpany.

However, had he done so, it might have gone something like this…

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TC:“So Mr Regan, why on Earth would you reject a request on behalf of the senior league clubs in Scotland to participate in an independent review of how the game has been governed during one of the most tumultuous periods in its genuine, non-bought history?”

Regan:“It would be ridiculous to suggest a conspiracy.”

TC:“No one suggested a conspiracy Mr Regan. The SPFL requested an independent review of various matters of governance as a way of learning lessons and safeguarding against future events.”

Regan:“I am sorry, but you have no proof that we are hiding the existence of the Loch Ness Monster to protect the SFA.”

TC:“Did I mention the Loch Ness Monster, Mr Regan?”

Regan:“And the SFA is not covering up anything to do with the Roswell Incident in 1947. We behaved in an entirely proper way during that period.”

TC:“The Roswell Incident is entirely irrelevant here although I suspect Billy Davies blames it in some way for him still being out of football management. Anyway, about that review of the governance of the national sport of Scotland for which you have responsibility…”

Regan:“I am sorry, but I really must stop you there. I have never stood on a knoll – grassy or otherwise. To link me or the SFA to the sad demise of President John F. Kennedy is absolutely outrageous.”

TC:“But I didn’t do that. I simply wanted to ask why you don’t want to engage with a transparent exercise which will address any wrongdoing in the past, and reassure everyone that Scottish football will be fair in the future.”

Regan:“There you go again. I can reassure you that no one on the SFA Board is a malevolent shape-shifting lizard in disguise. It is scandalous to suggest otherwise.”

TC:“Is that an ultraviolet lamp you are sitting under, Mr Regan?”

Regan:“What? No. It’s… err… just ambient lighting that suits my complexion. Have you tried living in Scotland with its terrible sunlight? But anyway, how dare you suggest that Campbell Ogilvie never landed on the Moon. Have you seen the number of complete rockets at Hampden?”

TC:“I think we will leave it there, Mr Regan.”

Regan:“What? You can’t do that! This is a conspiracy to make me look ridiculous isn’t it?”

>>>>>>

And if you think that is a complete piss-take, take a look at this:

Regan dismisses ‘ludicrous’ conspiracy theories as he sets out why SFA won’t join review

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Clumpany Matters, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Independent Review Of The Clumpany

CLUMPANY STATEMENT

To whom it may concern.

As you are aware, The Clumpany has received correspondence from a representative body and someone else (who I won’t mention *cough cough*) asking for my input into a review of Clumpany governance and other activities.

The suggestion made by this correspondence is that

  • The Clumpany is shit,
  • its Clumping has been substandard for some time; and that
  • following various developments in the wider world of football satire and commentary, it is time to take a long hard look at all things to do with The Clumposphere.

The proposed review would be undertaken with a view to improving the quality of Clumping in the Scottish footballing ether.

The Clumpany has carefully considered this request, and has had an extremely vigorous debate with itself, considering all aspects of its responsibilities such as pouring Buckie, adding bleach, and drinking it.

The conclusion of these serious deliberations is that The Clumpany will not participate in any review of The Clumpany. Such an exercise would simply rake over the coals of an imaginary coal-and-rake scenario, and if that isn’t an argument for inaction The Clumpany doesn’t know what is.

The Clumpany would also like to point out that the quality of its Clumping has been absolutely Clumptastic according to my stringent systems of self-regulation and self-regard.

In fact it has been Clump, Clump, Clumpity-Clump Clumptastic!

However, The Clumpany has not been complacent about the criticism to which it has been subjected. The Clumpany sets the highest standards for itself, although there is no need for it to articulate those standards. And if they can somehow be portrayed as reflecting the standards expected by others, that’s lovely.

The Clumpany has recently made numerous changes to its processes and quality management and The Clumpany is happy to assert that they address all the issues which have been raised about it.

Frankly, that’s all you really need to know.

However, in the interests of the sort of transparency for which The Clumpany is rightly legendary, The Clumpany will set out the improvements it has made:

  1. The Clumpany has graciously noted the existence of its critics.
  2. The Clumpany has written this statement responding to the concerns which have been raised.
  3. The Clumpany has used words such as ‘transparency’ and ‘quality’.
  4. The Clumpany is assuring you that The Clumpany knows best and will therefore correctly not be a party to any exercise which might suggest otherwise.
  5. The Clumpany expects you to accept points 1-4.

The Clumpany trusts that this will be the end of the matter. However, The Clumpany is happy to restate its position to anyone who won’t rip it to shreds as being a pile of crap which only compounds blindingly obviously problems.

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Charge Of The Shite Brigade

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has been highly amused by the efforts of the Sevco spin machine to suggest that although they may have recently missed out on securing the services of Hearts’ Jamie Walker, it was a glorious ‘failure’, with Sevco fighting valiantly and emerging from the saga with their ‘heroic’ reputation intact.

However, I would be very surprised to see any mainstream outlet publish the following ‘epic’ ode to their endeavours…

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The Charge of the Shite Brigade

Half a mill, half a mill,
Half a million offered,
All in the Window of Transfer
Bid, but Ped blundered.
“Forward, the Spin Brigade!
Charges for PR!”
Jim said.
Into the Window Transfer
Bid, but Ped blundered.

“Forward, the Spin Brigade!”
Was J. Walker dismayed?
Not though the Jambo knew
Bold Ped had blundered.
Offer not worth reply,
Offer makes you ask “why?”
Offer Budge left to die.
Into the Window Transfer
Bid, but Ped blundered.

Record to right of them,
Shark-Jump to left of them,
Walker in front of them
Dodoo offer. Scunnered!;
Instalment plan, all is not well,
Lacking cash, what a smell,
Into the Window Transfer.
Into Sky’s ‘White crap’ hell
Bid, but Ped blundered.

Flashed all their wallets bare,
Flashed as they offered thin air,
Savouring the media’s glare,
Charging at Walker, while
All Bampots wondered.
Plunged in spin’s mirrors and smoke
No real story was broke;
Cheering and pushing
Reeled from the fatal stroke!
Battered spin sundered.
Then they rowed back, but hid
“Bid, but Ped blundered”.

Record to right of them,
Shark-Jump to left of them,
Walker in front of them
Dodoo offer. Scunnered!
Instalment plan, all is not well,
While the Walker bid fell.
They who had spun so well
Came through Window Transfer
Back from Sky’s ‘White Crap’ hell,
All that was left of it,
Bid, but Ped blundered.

When will their bullsh*t fade?
O PR charge they made!
All Bampots wondered.
Honour the PR they made!
Honour the Spin Brigade,
Bid, but Ped blundered!

>>>>>>

With apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson, here is the original:

The Charge of the Light Brigade

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football

A Question For Gordon Parks

Patrick Roberts was delighted to be given the coveted ‘GIRUY Sunday Mail’ slot in the Celtic squad

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is thinking of opening an extensive new footballing facility in one of Scotland’s barren wastelands. It will be a footballing facility in which shite performers can struggle at no more than a Sunday League standard. I am thinking calling it The ‘Gordon’ Parks. 😉

Why? Well, like many of you, The Clumpany guffawed its way through this truly remarkable piece from the Funday Fail’s Gordon Parks.

Celtic star Patrick Roberts has shown a lack of ambition by returning to Scotland – Gordon Parks

Seriously, the apparent tears in that article are so sweet that they may actually attract a swarm of bees.

Watch out Gordon!

A cynical (and possibly accurate) assessment would be that Parks was simply writing clickbait to get a reaction. If that is the case, then so be it. But it would certainly give you no choice but to marvel at the depths the Mail/Record is prepared to plumb in order to get any sort of attention these days

Conversely, if the piece really was Parks’ honestly-held personal opinion, it would certainly give you no choice but to marvel at the depths the Mail/Record is prepared to plumb in order to get any sort of attention these days…

‘Shite’ is not the word for it.

The words “Champions League games aside” are so spectacular as to be deserving of everlasting infamy. They were the equivalent of writing “I know my point is a complete pile of crap, but I am going to make it anyway”. That takes some nerve, or the complete removal of your senses of self-awareness and self-respect.

Dear me.

The Clumpany has a strong urge to ask Parks why Manchester City allowed Patrick Roberts to go back to Celtic if his career, progression and value are going to stagnate or even deteriorate by going back to Celtic.

I’d also like to hear Parks pontificate on the positives for Scottish football in having a talent like Roberts in its midst.

And – given the chance – I would also be minded to enquire what Roberts or his representative said to Parks when he put the concerns outlined his piece to them…

However, I will simply limit myself to this question instead:

Gordon, your article paints a pretty bleak picture of the state of Scottish football, which Patrick Roberts and his parent club have signed up to for another season. In fact it’s an absolutely scathing assessment. What specific things about domestic Scottish football would need to be different in order for you to say that Patrick Roberts has made a great, progressive career move in committing one year of his career to Celtic?

I wonder what his answer could possibly be?

#KeepOnClumping

 

Satire, Scottish Football

Craig Levein: The Best Man For The Job

“Yes the new manager IS a top talent Ann…”

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been handed a completely fictitious transcript of the interview which led to the appointment of Hearts’ new manager…

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Craig Levein: “So Craig, what skills do you think you can bring to the job of managing Hearts?”

Craig Levein: “Well I have done it before with some success…”

Craig Levein: “Really? Me too!”

Craig Levein: “Small world, eh?”

Craig Levein: “It certainly is! Anyway, about the attributes you could bring to the role…”

Craig Levein: “Ah yes. Well I think this club needs a strong Craig Levein-based approach and I am able to do all the things you would expect of a Craig Levein.”

Craig Levein: “That’s a good point Craig. I believe that Craig Levein skills are the sort of thing that any self-respecting ambitious football club should be looking to obtain. But frankly Craig, they are very hard to find. If you can assure us that you can bring Craig Levein to this role then we would be very interested in appointing you.”

Craig Levein: “Well I think I should have no problem bringing some Craig Levein to the job. And – if I may say so – I think I would be able to do it with the sort of Craig Levein-type excellence that you have brought to the position of Director of Football, Craig.”

Craig Levein: “Well that’s very nice of you to say so Craig. It certainly is non-stop Craig Levein in my office!”

Craig Levein: “And if you appoint me it will be just like that in the manager’s office too, Craig.”

Craig Levein: “That’s good to hear Craig. Now, as you know, we had Ian Cathro as manager until fairly recently. Can you give me some thoughts on why it didn’t work out for him? What mistakes did he make?”

Craig Levein: “Well Craig, I am not going to criticise another manager, but frankly Ian just wasn’t doing things in a Craig Levein sort of way. I for one wouldn’t have a laptop-based approach, and I wouldn’t struggle to get the players performing to a high standard week-in week out.”

Craig Levein: “That’s exactly my view as well Craig. Ian did his best but he didn’t deliver a Craig Levein-style period of success for the club. So it’s important that we now move in a Craig Levein-based direction. Are you up for that challenge? And do you think you could get along well with the senior figures at the club such as Craig Levein?”

Craig Levein: “I am 100% committed to doing things the Craig Levein way and am certain that I can work effectively with everyone at the club. Especially Craig Levein.”

Craig Levein: “That’s excellent. Really fantastic. I don’t think we need to continue this interview. I am really impressed with you Craig and am convinced that you can do the sort of Craig Levein job that I would do. The job is yours!”

Craig Levein: “That’s brilliant Craig! Thank you so much for taking a chance on me. I am sure you had a lot of other applications for the position.”

Craig Levein: “We did Craig, but they all lacked that crucial ‘Craig Levein’ quality that we were seeking. Billy Davies for example. He’s no Craig Levein and I could tell that as soon as I looked at him. Whereas you Craig, well you absolutely shine as a Craig Levein.”

Craig Levein: “Thanks Craig. I am delighted to be on board. I am thrilled that you think I am the best person for the job.”

Craig Levein: “There’s no doubt about it. If I was not destined to be the next Hearts manager, then I couldn’t have wished for a better appointment than you Craig Levein.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…