Satire, Sevco

Cold Shoulder

Good Evening.

To the tune of the Plastic Ono Band’s ‘Cold Turkey’… 😉


The Takeover Panel
Their anger is high
King has no future
It’s pie in the sky

May go for a bevvy
Wipe this outta his head
He wants to be a ‘player’
Credibility dead

Cold shoulder has got Dave on the run

The Chairman is breaking
No simple loans
He can’t buy nobody
Leave him alone

His sh*te is blown open
His spinners all sheep
One thing we’re sure of
He’s in for a big freeze

Cold shoulder has got Dave on the run

Thirty percent
Concert party
Saying no problem
His offer’s tardy

Keeping it stone faced
Papers say ‘fine’
He’ll press release anything
Fans will give him more time

Cold shoulder has got Dave on the run


With apologies to the Plastic Ono Band, here is the brilliant and harrowing original!


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Sevco

Dave King’s Hot Shoulder

Good Evening.

Almost certainly appearing in an attempted newspaper very soon indeed…


Scottish Football Should Salute Dave King’s Scorching Shoulder.

The Rangers* Chairman’s other shoulder doesn’t get the credit it deserves says our Chief Football Bullsh*tter.

By Ana Tomy.

It came as no surprise to me to see the usual obsessed suspects crowing like blackbirds when the Takeover Panel issued its ruling about some b*llocks or other yesterday, shamefully adding Dave King’s name just to get extra publicity. [Blackbirds? What are you taking about you roaster. Or do I mean rooster? – Ed.]

Everyone likes to take a baseless pop at the legend that is Dave King, a man who has never been less than true to his word to do Dave King-like things at the club he loves in his unique Dave King like way.

However, the truth of the matter is that Dave King gets a raw deal. No one is treated more unfairly by courts, regulators, and the hating haters of the most hateful kind which pollute Scottish football than Dave King.

So let me set matters straight for the record [‘Record’ surely? – Ed]. The ‘record’ being my shot at getting the most consecutive invites to Jim Traynor’s Christmas party of any Scottish hack.

Dave King’s other shoulder – the one that really matters – is hot. And although I don’t mean sexually, I bet there are others out there who might confirm that it is.

That shoulder is so hot that the sun goes there for a winter break there with its pal Mercury and our hype about Alfredo Morelos’ scoring prowess. Year after year.

People have been suggesting that the SFA might look at Dave King’s ‘Fit and Proper’ status. Well let me put them straight. Why would the SFA turn on one of the game’s most generous benefactors? You’ve probably heard about the undersoil heating at Hampden and think it consists of the usual sort of pipes beneath the pitch that we see all over the world.

You’d be wrong. The Hampden pitch has a single flake of Dave King’s scorching shoulder skin beneath it. Skin which he donated out of the kindness of his heart for a rumoured minuscule fee of £7m.

Where others have to pay for energy and the maintenance of the subsurface pipes, Hampden basks in the warm glow of a tiny piece of Dave King’s shoulder.

We really don’t know how lucky we are.

So let’s have no more agenda-driven blogger-type talk of shoulders being below room temperature. Scottish football is truly blessed to have Dave King’s roasting shoulder in its midst, and I for one look forward to the opportunity to toast a marshmallow on it in the very near future.

Phew! What a scorcher!



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of silly satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Like Playing Against Ronnie Barker

Good Evening.

Possibly not appearing in an attempted newspaper near you any time soon…


Rangers* winger ‘plays like Ronnie Barker’ says Liverpool star Trent Alexander-Arnold

The right-back said former Man City youngster Brandon Barker is one of the toughest players he’s come up against, and compared him to his Two Ronnies namesake.

By Gerald Wylie

The rise of Trent Alexander-Arnold has been astronomical as he’s gone from the Liverpool academy to being used as a mouthpiece for Sevco fodder in the Scottish sports media, faster than you can say ‘nae luck Trent’.

The local lad from Merseyside doesn’t seem fazed by anything that comes his way. Although when we say ‘anything’ we mean in relation to football. We don’t honestly know whether he’s encountered a great white shark in his bath, or had a night out ruined by alien abduction, for example. But from a footballing perspective we are pretty confident that he doesn’t generally seem fazed.

He’s faced the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar and Leo Messi, but one of the most difficult players he’s came up against is genuinely going to leave you thinking that we are trying to insult the intelligence of our remaining reader.

Brandon Barker. No really. Brandon Barker.

The Rangerssummer signing left the English international in stitches in an U21s match between Liverpool and Barker’s former employers Manchester City in 2016.

But the stitches weren’t the result of a bruising encounter. Alexander-Arnold’s sides split from laughing in a way that reminded him of the hilarity he’d experienced watching comedy legend Ronnie Barker on a minor TV channel one evening.

City won the game 3-0 and Brandon Barker put in a fine performance, setting up laughs a plenty.

Alexander-Arnold recalled that day, admitting that the former Hibs loanee was “unbelievable – a real card”, and it turned out to be a real laughing curve for the 20-year-old.

He told website comedy-gold.sevco: “That’s probably one of the hardest and funniest games I’ve had. 

“It was one of the first times I’d played right-back. I was taking it really seriously and trying to keep my focus. But I was up against an unbelievable comedian in Brandon Barker. His football was so funny and his pace so lacking, it was like Ronnie Barker was on the pitch. He definitely seemed to have Porridge in his boots.

“If I’m honest it brings back bad memories for me. I had a terrible game because I was p*ssing myself laughing all the time. But I tried to make the best of it, and as a little tribute to Barker’s performance in the game I replaced the corner flags with four candles after the gaffer substituted me. I was dropped for the next game but it was worth it.

“I’ve been told Barker is a great prospect. Aye right. Or – as I like to say having seen him play – ‘Arkwright’.”

The winger will be hoping to stake his claim in Steven Gerrard ‘s side, especially with the news that Ryan Kent will miss some time having been attacked by the Phantom Raspberry Blower in the latest ‘hot air and bad smell’ incident to bedevil the Ibrox club.




NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of surreal fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

No Player Misunderstandings At Sevco

Good Evening.

For what it’s worth, this is the 1,000th Clumpany blog. This link will take you to number 1

The following won’t appear in any attempted newspaper near you anytime soon… 😉


The Sheyi Ojo-Ryan Kent Rangers* mystical connect that Liverpool loanee reckons can tear-up Premiership like an old fashioned telephone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show

Ojo is delighted to have his old Anfield mate alongside him at Ibrox, and hopes that their almost magical link can spur them on to top flight glory, although he still wonders where Harry and Matthew Corbett are these days.

By Scoff. Asmuchasyou-Like

Sheyi Ojo believes there’s a telepathy between him and Ryan Kent on the pitch. Or maybe some other word that the Scottish football media wants to deploy to unwitting comic effect.

And the Rangerswinger has said stuff that gives us a veneer of an excuse to assert that he KNEW (in capital letters, such was his asserted certainty) that his pal would end up back at Ibrox.

Even though others had written off a permanent move. The b*stards!

Now the Liverpool kids – who have played together in the Anfield youth team [Gasp! Shouldn’t this be front age news? – Ed] for the last five years – want to hit it off again for Steven Gerrard’s side. Preferably in his football team, but if it has to be his actual side, or his other side, or his front or back, they aren’t too choosy. They just want to hit it off. Whatever that means.

Kent finally arrived on a £7million* deal just before the transfer window closed – and no one is happier than his mate. Apart perhaps from Rangers* PR operation, which got a few squirrel-tastic headlines at an awkward moment.

Ojo is just on loan at Ibrox just like his pals the Close Brothers, but he can’t wait to team up with Kent and strike fear into Premiership defences. [Yes we did say ‘fear’. It’s our attempted newspaper and we will say what we like.]

Kent was injured yesterday in his comeback game against Livingston but Ojo hopes he’s back soon and is convinced their almost spiritual connection on the pitch can yield plenty of goals and assists. Or at least fuel the fantasies of People who will believe in any old crap.

The 22-year-old said: “Ryan was here last season, and everyone knows him. No matter how hard they may have tried to forget or have wondered whether he’s really the best Rangers* could do if they really wanted to spend even more money when they are already running up big losses.

“But I’ve seen a whiteboard showing him slotting right back into the squad. So it’s apparently great for us.

“Can we rip it up together like a phone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show like we did at Liverpool? That’s the aim.

“Harry and Matthew Corbett may sadly be long gone, but if it’s ‘glove puppet having a go at a thick book that even the lads on The World’s Strongest Man would have struggled with’ that you are looking for, I’ve played with Ryan since I was 16 so I feel pretty confident that he can deliver

“Ryan can only help our team and hopefully can help me score more for Rangers*. And if that doesn’t work out, Sweep has told me he’s prepared to squeak like a b*stard wearing a Rangers* scarf and squirrel outfit to gloss over things.

“I sort of knew the Kent move could happen. But there was stuff going on with Liverpool so I couldn’t say too much. You know, ‘stuff’. That thing which allows me to make a sound in the vague form of the English language and which allows you to appear knowledgable without any of us deploying any actual knowledge.


“It’s a real plus that he’s back here. People have been phoning me over the past few days to say that their calculator plus buttons have spontaneously pressed themselves down. It’s a sign. And not a negative one. Because that would mean the minus sign spontaneously being pressed down. And that hasn’t happened.

“Even this week in training, with him on the left and me on the right, whenever he’s on the ball I know what he’s going to do – and vice versa. I put it down to the entrails we both had read a few years ago.

“Back in 2012 we went to a fairground and the Fortune Teller said she had the entrails of dead Rangers in a box and could tell our futures from it. She said we would both be professional footballers and linked by a common bond of cliches and empty platitudes on an epic scale. She said that a mystic Traynor would show us the way when the time was right.

“So we both have a similar mindset. We want to spout upbeat cliches, get on the ball and go forward.

“That’s what the manager wants us to do, to create cliches, chances and score goals.

“Whether it’s me on the ball or Ryan, we have the same objectives to utter cliches, fill Rangers*-themed column inches and airtime, and affect the game.

“The better players you play with, the easier it should be to score or assist.

“Whenever Ryan is on the ball, I’ll adjust and make movements in behind him. Hopefully that will help us.

“Listen to what I have just said! Seriously! How uncanny was the Fortune Teller’s prediction about cliches and empty platitudes? It’s like a force on a higher Level has taken over my mind and is speaking for me!

“Wide players have to score more goals, look at Sadio Mane and Mo Salah at Liverpool. I mean look at them. Their very names have allowed me to shoehorn quality, high profile footballers into our conversation, and have also allowed you to quote me on it. Isn’t that absolutely brilliant for us? And for the cause of baseless upbeat Rangers* cliches?

“I’m still on loan from Liverpool but I hear the loans from Close Brothers are already making a very valuable contribution. So for me to get into the Rangers* team I need to be generating the sort of interest that they are. Goals and assists are one thing, but I am fully aware that APR counts for a lot at this club*.

“I need to be as direct as I can, and influence games up here. But apparently I am not allowed to wear an all black kit as apparently ‘there are already enough helpful influencers wearing that while they officiate the games’.

“So it seems you can only be direct and influence games with great players around you and Ryan coming in will only help with that. In the absence of actual great players.”

Ojo is desperate for Gers to hit top form again, especially after their Old Firm defeat prior to the international break, despite much of this sentence defying all logic after Rangers’ humiliating liquidation in 2012.

The 2-0 defeat at Ibrox didn’t exactly back up his claim in pre-season that Gerrard’s men were the best in Scotland.

But Ojo, in an excuse-offering gambit which fools no one, has revealed that he played with an injury during the derby after coming on as a sub.

He said: “There was such a negative feeling after that game. The sort of negativity that can only come from being found out as utterly shite despite the evidence-free pre-match hype.

“But having the international break was a blessing. Not least because after a pumping by Celtic anything that doesn’t involve a further pumping by Celtic is to be welcomed.

“The players had played so many games, so it was nice to refresh our minds and get back into playing our style of play. This week in training we’ve focused on that. It’s so much easier when you don’t have treble Treble winners refusing to accommodate your style.

“My first Old Firm experience wasn’t the best. I saw it on TV in 2012, Rangers were humiliated and then they died soon after.

“And then I was basically injured while I was playing for Rangers* against Celtic recently so it wasn’t a positive day at all.

“You want to play in the big games and help the team but I didn’t manage to do that. Thankfully, it has cleared up now.

“I’ll certainly be more prepared for the next game at Celtic Park. I am determined to use the phrase ‘Old Firm’ without fully showing that I know that my self respect has been sacrificed. The stakes could not be higher.

“I’ve been told that if I can deny liquidation without any obvious shame I could get a permanent job in the Scottish sports media after I retire.





NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun, and Scottish football remains gloriously bonkers…

Gerrard, Media, Satire, Sevco

Pure Jim-agination

[*Blows off ethereal cobwebs. Bangs ethereal phone on ethereal table*]

Bloody hell. This app still works.

Good Evening.

How about a little song to celebrate Sevco’s world-beating success during the international break?


Pure Jim-agination

Sevvies and the deluded.
Billy and Billie.
The Blue Room…
Stop your thoughts.
Drink the pish.
Count to 55.
Make believe
And you’ll be
In a world of pure Jim-agination
Take his word and you’ll see
Into your Jim-agination.
He’ll begin with sh*te spin
Ryan Kent’s the best in all creation
Yet his fee still defies explanation…
If you want to view epic sh*te
Simply read the Record, you will.
Any Shark you can Jump, do it.
Wanna mock their words?
There’s nothing to it.
There is no sh*te I know
To compare with pure Jim-agination.
Zombies there, they feel free
Hiding from… reality.
If you want to view epic sh*te
Simply read the Record, you will.
Any Shark you can Jump, do it.
Wanna mock their words?
There’s nothing to it.
There is no sh*te I know
To compare with pure Jim-agination.
Zombies there, they feel free
Hiding from… reality.
With apologies to songwriters Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse, here is the magnificent Gene Wilder’s version…


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Scottish Football

RIP Billy McNeill: Our Hero


Reposted on this very sad day. Farewell to a legend, hero and (most importantly) a fine and thoroughly decent man. Gone, but never to be forgotten. RIP Billy McNeill. Mr Celtic.

The Clumpany

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has not been in a position to try your patience with regular blogs in recent times.

And I wasn’t going to say anything in blog form about the unveiling of the Billy McNeill statue today, because far more articulate folk than me can better-express the significance of the occasion.

But then I saw the range and depth-of-feeling of the comments from all sorts of folk, and I concluded that I should say something. Because today’s unveiling really means something to the likes of me: an ordinary punter who loves Celtic and the game in which they play.

And if nothing else, the example of the Lions – a bunch of local lads who came together and were sparked to greatness (by a genius of a manager) – shows that even apparently-humble folk can be worthy of note.

So here is my little observation…

Doing justice to…

View original post 336 more words

Celtic, Satire

Long Live The King

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears tidings of a major disturbance in Leicester in recent days.

Archaeologists report that the late King of England Richard III – who was much maligned by Shakespeare and eventually found buried under a Leicester car park in 2012 before being reinterred in the local Cathedral – has been on the move again!

Apparently the Cathedral clergy were shocked to find his tomb disturbed, with the monument moved and his coffin broken open. They immediately called in the local archaeologists who were familiar with the remains of the last Plantagenet King.

Sadly, the experts were at a loss to explain what had happened. Their initial suspicion of grave robbing was quickly ruled out when they confirmed that the coffin had been broken open from the INSIDE in (possibly) some sort of ironic tribute to Rangers* ‘coming’ again.

However, thankfully the answer eventually came when new Leicester City manager Brendan Rodgers held court at a local arena and informed the public – including a number of those local archaeologists – that he’d been informed by his staff that “Richard III wants a word with you.”

Brendan Rodgers apparently awaited the knock on his office door, and when it came, he invited Richard III to sit down.

Knowing his place, the one-time sovereign King of England said how pleased he was to meet Brendan Rodgers.

Richard III didn’t fancy Celtic to beat both Hearts and Hibs away within the space of a few days without Brendan Rodgers at the helm…

“Ooft, I’m pleased to meet you too Richard.” Brendan said in reply. “What can I do for you?”

“Well I didn’t want to just lay here in regal repose.” said Richard III.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me here in Leicester” said Richard III.

And then the heroic, history-minded new Leicester manager replied “Listen Richard, as long as I’m here, you’re here”.

Whereupon the audience clapped at the magic of Brendan Rodgers…

Meanwhile… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun after a trying week…