Celtic, Scottish Football

The Lisbon Lions: How To Live Forever

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Good Evening.

It is a happy coincidence that the 800th Clumpany blog coincides with the celebrations for the 50th anniversary of Celtic Football Club winning the European Cup in 1967.

Despite The Clumpany pouring out a torrent of surreal and occasionally pointed comments over the course of many thousands of words, I happily confess that I am utterly devoid of witty comments to make about the greatest football team ever to emerge from these islands.

‘Why bother saying anything at all then?’, you may ask. After all, that day in 1967 has been written about, discussed and dissected in a million different ways over the past half-century.

It is a fair question and my answer is simply that I wanted to say how utterly brilliant the anniversary celebrations have been.

For me, the Lions have multiple ‘personas’. All of them are praise-worthy and all of them have been applauded in the most fantastic way in recent days

The Lions as an exceptional football team have been saluted – not least through tributes from some of the greatest names in the game. However, the most striking tributes have come from the fans – in the 67th minute tribute during games this season, and through that jaw-dropping tifo prior to the final league game of the season against Hearts.

The Lions as individual human beings have been hailed in numerous interviews, profile pieces and documentaries. And yes we have been reminded of the passing of time with new photographs and footage of proud but ageing men which have been both uplifting and occasionally heartbreaking. An uncomfortable reminder that heroes can fade even if their heroism never will.

Then there has been the Lions as something akin to ‘rock stars’.  The event at the Hydro was without question big, spectacular and ‘loud’ enough to commemorate the magnitude of their achievement in Lisbon and their status as unquestioned giants in the world’s most popular sport.

And finally, the Lions as legends who accomplished deeds so fantastic that they could almost be mythical were it not for the TV footage and the physical evidence of that Big Cup which they brought home. The almost infinite variety of tales that we have seen in recent days of folk making the trek to the Estádio Nacional has reminded me of long-ago pilgrimages when people felt moved to travel long distances and make sacrifices to get as close as they could to something truly profound and to pay homage.

Of course, I am not suggesting that the Lions are religious figures. However, it feels as though the anniversary celebrations have been an expression of a sort of ‘faith’ for many, and they have certainly led to a great number of charitable acts and fundraising to help those less fortunate.

There is undoubtedly something about the scale and nature of the Lions’ achievement which speaks to people in a way that little else could – especially in the world of sport. If you want proof, you only have to look at the way a lot of people in the street, on the bus, in the pub and indeed on social media were happy and absolutely bursting with pride yesterday as they stopped to reflect on the glorious deeds of 25 May 1967.

The Lisbon Lions are not just a great football team. They are the heroes of a sport and a cause.

They also come across as throughly decent and humble human beings, who always have time and an encouraging word for other people. It is arguably this decency and humility – which most of us try (and often fail) to attain – which is the most remarkable thing of all about them.

Put simply, keeping your feet on the ground and remaining an example to others when countless people constantly shout about your achievements is a truly incredible thing to do. Especially over a period of many decades.

The 50th anniversary celebrations of the 2-1 victory over Inter Milan have been perfectly executed and all those involved in organising them should be applauded for their enormous efforts.

For obvious reasons I suspect there will never again be commemorations on the scale of those seen recently. However, it really doesn’t matter. Every single facet of who the Lions are and what they achieved has been marked in magnificent fashion and I have no doubt that wherever they go and whatever they do in the coming years, they will be left in no doubt about how much they are treasured.

And many years from now, when we are all gone, their achievements will still be remembered and spoken about with reverence.

This means that the Lisbon Lions will live forever.

Which is the very least that they deserve.

Thank you for reading.

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Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

WE ARE OUTRAGED!

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Good Evening.

The following statement is too fictitious to actually be released by any Sevco fans… 😉

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Enough Is Enough

At the end of a disappointing season which wasn’t so much ‘Going for 55’ as ‘Going NEVER to speak of it again’, we would like to shake our fist at the sky and shout “It isnae fair!”.

“It isnae fair!”.

There, we told you.

When we say we are going to do something, we DO it. Like that time we organised a ‘Show liquidation the red card’ protest and the club was saved.

This historic history-laden club is a massive institution. MASSIVE we tell you. And it should be winning the league every year. It is outrageous that it didn’t triumph this season and we are going to scream and scream and scream about it until we are sick.

And then the rest of Scottish football can clean up the staunch vomity mess by way of punishment.

Then we are going to throw our toys out of the pram, throw ourselves on the floor in a public place and wail until we get our own way.

Wail.

Loudly.

Making your ears bleed.

There are so many haters out there who are determined to spoil things for us. We are the best and you should all realise that fact.

In fact, you should bow down and say “Yes you ARE the People and WE are not worthy”. And then you should put on a “54 and counting t-shirt” and know your place.

And as for the so-called ‘media’… They should be ashamed of their cringemakingly sympathetic coverage of Celtic who continue to think they are a big club when they simply benefit from the terrible things done to Rangers* over the years.

Keith Jackson humiliates himself and his paper by not writing “Pedro is a great guy and fabulous manager” pieces every day. He should be banned from Ibrox forever and then a bit longer.

The Daily Rhebel, which hasn’t had a good word to say about Scotland’s biggest club in decades should be boycotted by every Rangers* fan, and the BBC – with its Liewwell propaganda should be told to f*ck off so far that it even manages to overtake Chris McLaughlin on its way out there.

Chris Sutton – who seems to think he is Chris Sutton or something – should have a proper word with himself. And that word should be “p*ss off” even though it is two words.

We are sick of criticism of our club. Sick sick sick sick sick of it. Don’t you know who we are? You all need us more than we need you. This club is the greatest and biggest in the world by any measure, although we choose not to list any measures at this particular time.

This season’s league title was ours by right. In fact the Treble is ours by right and we think it is a stain on Scottish society that we have been deprived of it.

Let all our critics and all the haters be in no doubt. We are determined to fight back. Criticism will not be tolerated. Hatred will be defeated. You WILL recognise Rangers’* greatness and you WILL say, think and do the things that we want you to.

Otherwise we will spit the dummy and cry like we have never done before.

You have been warned.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…


English Football, Premier League, Satire

A Tribute To John Terry

JT

Good Evening.

The Clumpany was moved by yesterday’s emotional events at Stamford Bridge where an actual game of competitive football in ‘the best league in the world’ was stopped in the 26th minute – by arrangement – so that Chelsea No. 26 John Terry could be substituted and acclaimed as the world’s favourite footballer, bringer of peace, healer of sickness and as the the man who single-handedly ended hunger wherever it stalked the earth.

The move has attracted some criticism for being inappropriate, disrespectful of the very concept of ‘sport’ and possibly pandering to a huge ego.

However, The Clumpany has no time for such suggestions. Especially given that I have seen the plans to further commemorate his departure from Chelsea:

  • The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service will shortly announce that 26 ‘leap’ seconds will be added to the end of 2017 to allow a thankful humanity to salute Terry in the year of his retirement for that little bit longer.
  • The 26th day of every month will henceforth be known as “JT Day”, with everyone expected to give Terry a minute’s applause at 26 minutes past each hour of the day. Including during the middle of the night.
  • All bus routes will be renumbered the ‘No.26’ in Terry’s honour.
  • The next iPhone model will be the iPhone 26. As will the one after that, and the one after that…
  • All buildings will be required to have 26 floors and be designated as Shrines of the Universal Temple of Terry. Including bungalows.
  • All telephone numbers must start and end with the number 26, and have at least two 26s in the middle of them.
  • The pop charts will be reworked so that the week’s Number 26 will always be the ‘real’ Number 1. Joe Garner is understood to favour number 31 being given special status but is understandably delighted to bow before the legend that is John Terry.
  • All football shirts will have to carry the number 26 on the back, and must be worn whenever any sort of award (sporting or otherwise) is to be awarded. Buckingham Palace has confirmed that HM The Queen “will NOT present honours to anyone disrespecting JT. Putting on his kit for the presentation when he was suspended for the Champions League Final was Terry’s finest moment, and it is important for this country’s sporting heritage to keep the precious memory alive”.

And finally:

  • Massive heating and cooling plants will be built around the world to ensure the planet maintains a constant temperature of 26 degrees centigrade to celebrate the outgoing Chelsea captain’s heroism. Fahrenheit will be abolished so as not to cause him any offence.

I don’t know about you, but I think the above is the very least that the Magnificent John Terry deserves.

All hail the Great Leader!

#KeepOnClumping

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Big Sevco Investment Plan

IMG_4060Good Evening.

Not likely to appear in a newspaper anytime soon.

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Dave King Expected To Reinvest Hot Air Into Rangers*

A golden future is predicted if all previous empty rhetoric is directed back into the club.

By A. Shit-Shoveler.

Dave King hopes to turn things around at Ibrox with an eye-catching plan to reinvest all the hot air spoken about building the best side in Scotland since the Glorious Takeover of March 2015.

Not only will things look different at Ibrox, but it is also understood that Rangers* expect to turn a considerable profit in almost no time at all.

A source close to the latest developments said “What do you mean you smell sh*te? You aren’t going to say that in the paper are you? Good. Anyway, yes there is a fantastic plan to win games and make Rangers* an absolute fortune.

Insisting on maintaining his anonymity, the insider continued “You know all the hot air there has been about investment, over investment, children’s inheritances and ‘doing whatever it takes’ over the past two years? Well the plan is to put it to good use with ‘Operation Scorched Earth’.

“All that hot air will be blown back on to the pitch during every game. And f*ck me is there a lot of hot air to blow. The Rangers* players will be wise to the plan and wear protective outfits. Preferably astronaut suits, but if the budget doesn’t stretch that far they might use cling film instead.

“The visiting sides won’t have a clue what to expect when they turn up because the media can be relied upon to pretend that no one is wearing heat shielding. The opposition will be burnt to a crisp before half-time and Rangers* will win the league.  Especially when the SPFL agrees to let Rangers* play their first eleven games at home and all their opponents end up being out for the rest of the season with chronic dehydration or worse. Champions League here we come!”

Turning his attention to the business benefits that Operation Scorched Earth might bring, our source explained excitedly: “Aside from the prize money for winning the league and a shot at Champions League riches, the hot air that’s been produced is so unbelievably intense that it will turn the Ibrox pitch into a desert and then inches-thick glass.

“What a business opportunity that will be! We can sell ‘Rangers* double-glazing’ to interested punters at a huge mark-up. The fact that it won’t be real double glazing is neither here nor there. After all, none of the faithful cares that it’s not the real Rangers* they are following do they?”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

The William Wallace Podcast

Wallace

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is delighted to confirm the launch of a multimedia service which will enable you to get to know the Scottish legend who was famously portrayed by Mel Gibson in the film of his autobiography.

Wallace is a name known throughout the world, but how many of us can claim to really know the victor of Stirling Bridge: what he eats for breakfast, his favourite pubs, where he goes on holiday, and whether he prefers EastEnders to Coronation Street?

Well now you have the chance to find out! For a small fee, you can gain access to The Clumpany’s new premium interactive ‘Wallacevision’ service, which will bring you:

  • Weekly podcasts in which The Clumpany and Wallace will discuss the week’s news and sport, and slag off football phone-ins.
  • Wallace’s Video Diary, in which Sir William will give subscribers an insight into his daily life working in a branch of Homebase, playing darts for his local pub, and acting as a volunteer Bingo caller at sheltered housing for elderly people.
  • Live online Q&A sessions with Wallace, where you set the agenda. Especially if the agenda is about late-13th and early-14th Century Scotland.
  • An exclusive 15-part documentary series “Wallace Visits London Again” where the great man goes to Westminster Abbey and makes a series of obscene gestures at the tomb of Edward I.
  • Access to “What’s App William?”, an innovative new app for your smartphone which allows you to recreate the experience of being hung, drawn and quartered, and which offers a unique insight into how Wallace somehow survived and lived on into the 21st Century.

This exciting new history-making, credulity-stretching, death-defying service is available to anyone in exchange for a copy of Rangers FC’s ‘end of administration’ certificate.

Don’t all rush at once…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Break Up Of The Celtic Squad 

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Good Evening.

The Clumpany brings you dramatic news courtesy of a completely fictitious article which won’t be appearing in a Scottish newspaper. Probably…

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Celtic Squad Facing Dramatic Transfer Swoop

Piss-take Sport understands that the successful Celtic squad looks set to be ravaged this summer by intergalactic raiders.

Having seen off interest from the English Premier League, and having indicated that they are not a selling club, the Scottish Champions are about to discover that resistance is futile as aliens from the planet Jumpshark make a dramatic move.

A source close to the Jumpsharkian high command said “Does this costume and voice modifier seem convincing? Let’s do this quickly as the PR company could only afford to hire them for half an hour. Oh is that thing recording? Sh*t! Let’s get on with it!

“Yes it’s true, the Sharkjumpians have been monitoring the progress of Celtic under Brendan Rodgers since the return of Rangers* to the top flight scared Dermot Desmond into action. 

They think that Celtic have some quality players who are certain to get bored of playing at Celtic Park. They believe they could do a job in the Sharkjumpian Super League playing against real-life Subbuteo players bred in laboratories on one of the planet’s many moons.”

The departure of most of the Celtic squad would be a massive blow to the Parkhead side as well as giving a tremendous boost to Rangers’* title hopes next season. What’s more, it is understood that the aliens are unlikely to take no for an answer should Peter Lawwell try and stand in their way.

The Sharkjumpian Super League is booming and those in charge will stop at nothing to get all the best Celtic players” said our source. “Their preferred method will be to line up a pretend friendly for Celtic against the ‘Area 51 All Stars’ in Nevada, and then kidknap them when they get off the bus.

However, in the extremely unlikely event of Celtic not falling for this cunning ruse, the Sharkjumpians will simply teleport all the players to their ship while they sleep. There really is no hiding place for them.”

The sudden intergalactic disappearance of the best Celtic players will be a huge disappointment to the Parkhead faithful, but our alien contact believes it will be good news for Rangers* fans.

“With a weakened Celtic side and Pedro Caixinha’s big plans backed by Dave King, this is sure to be the season when Rangers* return to their rightful place at the top of Scottish football. If I were a Rangers* fan and not a [*cough*] anonymous source from a distant world, I would certainly be snapping up an Ibrox season book now by calling the number at the bottom of this page.

I definitely wouldn’t wait until after the Sharkjumpians have abducted the best Celtic players. My advice is to buy early and buy often.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List

Pedro2Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that Ryan Jack isn’t the only thing about Aberdeen that Paperwork Pedro has his eye on. This article – which won’t be appearing in a newspaper anytime soon – explains all…

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Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List

By A. Futile-Hope

Pedro Caixinha has sensationally added to his earlier comments about Ryan Jack by expressing his admiration for other aspects of Aberdeen Football Club.

The Light Blues gaffer caused a stir by commenting favourably on the Dons captain in a move which clearly enraged manager Derek McInnes. And now he has fanned the flames further by announcing an entire list of Aberdeen targets as he seeks to undertake a rebuilding job over the summer.

“I admire many things about Aberdeen” said Caixinha. “I like their second place in the league and their Cup final. The Chairman knows my ambition and will give me the resources to achieve my targets. 

“We will swap the Aberdeen players for Rangers* ones in the changing rooms at Hampden later this month, and then my team will run out to play Celtic. 

“We also will invite Mr Doncaster to a very nice lunch with leek soup and ask him to delete Aberdeen from the league table and replace their name with Rangers*. Then we will be runners-up, and Aberdeen’s cycle of success will be at an end.”

Caixinha’s plan may be eye-catching, but it is only the beginning.

“I also like the Aberdeen kit. I would like to buy it and have my team play in it next season. Their UEFA Super Cup would also look nice in my office. Their cones are excellent and would be great cones with which to train. Especially with Aberdeen training bibs.

“Their bus is a bus of quality and I desire that to be the Rangers* team bus. I have also often thought about the Aberdeen corner flags and think they could be a valuable addition to our facilities.

“The white lines marking the Aberdeen pitch are a thing of beauty and I would love to have them on my pitch. But I feel they look their very best within the Pittodrie stadium, so I aim to make that Rangers* new home ground. 

And finally, I also like Mr McInnes’ beard. It is a dramatic beard. I aim to remove it from his face and glue it to my own.”

Unfortunately, however, even the ambitious Caixinha knows that there are limits to his Aberdeen ambitions.

“I also hope to acquire Mr McInnes’ smile, but no one has ever seen it.”

#KeepOnClumping