Satire, Sevco

Throwing Out The Trash

Source: various across all social media platforms…

Good Morning.Glasgow City Council hasn’t issued the following waste recycling guidance… 😉

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Green Bin Recycling

What is it?

The green bin recycling service is for the collection of overpaid rubbish footballers.

When is my green bin collected?

Once a year you can aim to have a massive clear out but will end up only half-filling the bin.

Bin lorries are not needed but could certainly be provided if necessary. No really. We have a journalist lined up to assert the ‘fact’ if necessary.

Instead, a bus will be along any minute now to take the rubbish footballers. Honest. Failing that, there will be golf buggies to remove the stinking mess.

Managers who fill their green bin to excess in the hope of persuading their chairman to pay for new players will receive short shrift.

What can go into the green bins?

You can dispose of the following items within your green bin:

• goalkeepers of whom one might ask “what’s the goalie daein?”

• defenders. Or Bruno Alves.

• midfield dynamos with utterly implausible alleged release clauses in their contracts.

• strikers who never quite seem to be sold to the Chinese for over £11m.

Placing individuals other than those noted above into the green bin will adversely affect the quality of the material that we send to our re-processing partners. We need proper shit to make decent compost for the parks and gardens of Glasgow. Consequently, the truly abject nature of players deposited is a vital consideration.

What should not be placed in the green bin?

Please do not place the following items into your green bin:

• Title hopes

• Tactics

• Baseless superiority complexes

• Failed tifos

• Concert parties

• Promises of Nomads

• Empty war chests

• Bullshit newspaper stories to sell season books.

Please dispose of these items by shoving them up your deluded arses.

What happens to the green bin contents?

After being photographed and posted on Twitter for the entertainment of the whole of humanity, the contents of the green bin are taken to the transfer market fire sale. The players are separated from their disappointing career history prior to being hawked around lower league English clubs with more money than sense.

Any leftover players – which will be most of them – will be recycled into the Sevco squad to play their part in another piss-poor season.

Please note, the above guidance does not apply to Celtic FC who should simply call the Council and quote the reference STATEAID if they need assistance.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, fly-tipping is illegal.

Celtic, Gerrard, Media, Satire

A War That Celtic Cannot Win

Good Evening.

Probably not in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

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Stevie G And Walter Go To War With Celtic

The Champions League-winning Champions League winner plans to hold a summit with the Gers icon to formulate a plan to destroy Celtic. Literally.

By A. Battle-Fever.

Steven Gerrard has wasted no time in setting up a serious sit-down with his illustrious* predecessor* and fully intends to get the low-down on how to blast Celtic into smithereens.

The high-powered encounter promises to strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players as they prepare for a surely-doomed assault on 8-in-a-row.

Walter Smith has been the go-to guy for Gerrard’s predecessors, and the veteran former manager has never failed to deliver advice that has resulted in devastating consequences. [Don’t say for who – Ed.]

Now the legendary Liverpool legend looks set to team-up with the legnedary Rangers legned to deliver Celtic’s worst nightmare.

“Nuclear weapons” said a source close to Rangers*.

That’s what Walter can bring to the table. Celtic won’t know what has hit them. Stevie G will love it.”

Our insider confirmed that it wouldn’t just be the Wisdom of Walter that would be assisting Gerrard.

“It’s a little-known fact that Graeme Souness was on the brink of inflicting nuclear armageddon on Celtic in the 1980s. The only reason he didn’t was his realisation that his tackling during games could do far worse damage.

“There was no problem with David Murray paying for the weapon. He was always great at buying absolute weapons – just look at the players he signed over the years. The bank was fully on board to extend the club’s* overdraft to pay for any sort of annihilation of Celtic that he fancied.

“However, Graeme thought a few of his trademark on-pitch assaults could do the job quite nicely instead.

“Obviously Stevie G won’t be playing for Rangers* this season, but he’ll surely love the idea of using Souness’s Plan B.”

It is understood that Walter and Stevie G will meet as soon as the Rangers* squad returns from its current unsuccessful continental bus-spotting expedition.

“It’s going to be an awe-inspiring spectacle”, said our insider, who asked not to be named in case UN Weapons Inspectors got on his case.

“Stevie G will be sitting there in the Blue Room ready to talk total destruction, and Walter will walk in wearing his best stare and brown brogues. They’ll agree on a launch date and time for the weapon, have a cup of tea, and then go home.

“Celtic’s days are numbered.”

When asked if we could see the nuclear weapon, and why he appeared to be making a rudimentary catapult out of a rubber band, and a y-shaped stick emblazoned with the words ‘Stevie’s Celtic Smasher’ our source told us to “f*ck off and write the correct story”.

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Meanwhile… 😉

Picture via @Celt_Bhoy1888

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Don’t Mention The Bus

Shhh. You haven’t seen this…

Don’t.

Just don’t, OK.

Do not mention any buses.

There is no need for a bus, but if there was, there would be a bus available. You can be absolutely certain about that.

People can get very upset about buses.

Fortunately, it is possible to do things in a bus-free way and avoid any unnecessary bus-related anxiety or public displays of irritation.

In such circumstances you can dispense with having a bus to do things that might ordinarily involve a bus.

You can be gloriously bus free, and enjoy a walk or a ride on a non-bus mode of transport.

Like a buggie, a pogo stick, or a scooter. Those things are definitely not buses.

Other non-bus options might include a rocket. Perhaps a complete and utter rocket. Who knows?

If you felt like relying on nature you would not use a bus, and might instead await a particularly strong gust of wind to get you from A to B.

Or you could hope to be propelled by a sudden earthquake. Now that really would be a lively means of non-bus transportation!

Failing that, you could perhaps hope to be propelled along by the force of a person’s sharp wit and insightful commentary. OK in the case of some people you might then end up waiting a bloody long time to be moved, but at least there would be no bus involved and no need for one.

Whatever your choice, it is important not to mention buses.

Do not discuss buses in any way shape or form. All is well with the world when it comes to buses, and no good can come of talking about them.

So please do not mention buses.

I for one would certainly never dream of doing so.

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Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of bus…

Gerrard, Media, Satire

Steven Gerrard Begs For Walter Smith’s Help

Good Evening.

I am sure that I haven’t read this in an attempted newspaper somewhere…

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Steven Gerrard Begs For Walter’s Help

The Champions League-winning Champions League winner has probably indicated that he would break every bone in his body with an iron bar for the chance to benefit from the unique Rangers*-tastic insights that Walter Smith could offer.

By A. Tired-Formula.

Steven Gerrard suggested yesterday that he would be looking to benefit from the tremendous experience and coaching brilliance of one of his predecessors* as Rangers* manager.

The legendary Liverpool legend has made a lightening-fast start to his Ibrox tenure by signing more players than you can shake a stick at while shouting “are those really the sort of players he expected to be recruiting?”

Now Gerrard seems set to seek advice from one of the all-time Ibrox managerial greats as he moulds his squad into a hopefully all-conquering force.

When repeatedly asked a series of leading questions which always got the right response from his predecessors, Gerrard said “Ah you want me to play up the Rangersness of what I am doing.

“You want me to say that Walter Smith is an absolute legend at this club* and I will be seeking his advice as we prepare for the new season.

“Well, I am happy to say that sort of thing if it helps.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, as a Liverpool fan I loved what he did at Everton. I have absolutely massive respect for what he achieved there. I’ve never laughed so long and hard in all my life!

“I’ve no real opinion on how Walter – you do like to use his first name don’t you – got on at Rangers*. But I’ve been told by the club Traynor that the mere mention of his name makes your lives easier, and appeals to your alleged readers.

“So yes, I’d love to speak to Walter about managing Rangers*. I might even bring a few old Everton season review videos for us to watch together. It’ll be magic.”

When asked about Gerrard’s comments, a Sevco fan uttered the words “Ah Walter…”, drooled for several hours, and became so misty-eyed that their optician issued a weather-warning.

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Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire

The Worst Book I’ve Never Read

Title: The Squad

Author: Phil Mac Giolla Bhain

Genre: Thriller

Publisher: Frontline Noir

Available at: frontlinenoir.com/online-store/

Help other online shoppers by entering your review and rating below.

Review by ‘1690CrushTheFenianBastards’

I haven’t read this book and I won’t be funding sectarian bigoted terrorist-loving Rangers-hating scum by buying this disgusting affront to the written word.

Phil ten-names has no business writing a book. He should be f*cking off to the furthest outpost of Fuck Off-dom and living in the republican slums of Obsessedville.

Like I say, I haven’t read it, but the title ‘The Squad’ tells you all you need to know about it. Another obsessed attack on the World’s Most Successful Club. And this time he’s slandering our squad-building like the terrified tarrier Tim he is. You can practically smell the fear at the cash Dave King is spending to destroy the Filth in the crumbling Paedo Dome.

And look at that cover. That’s clearly a gun that should have been decommissioned beyond use. So Phil is literally violating the Good Friday Agreement before our very eyes. The bastard.

Stevie G is here for 55 and ill Phil can’t hack it. So he has to whine about the strength of our squad and lie about us being in financial trouble. He should look closer to home and worry about the Scum being found out over State Aid and lying about the state of their stadium.

Tick tock Phil.

As I said above, I haven’t read this book, but I’ve never seen such a desperate pile of shite in all my life. It’s a flagrant attack on our club which is driven by jealousy and spite. I hope every single member of The Squad at Rangers sues Phil’s Fenian arse for every bheggar euro he has.

Do not buy this book. It’s fucking awful. And do not read it. I didn’t read it and I am much happier for doing so. As you can see from the above.

I give this book no fucking stars.

By the way, thanks to my mate Clever Billy for providing the long words in this review.

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#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Sevco

A Holiday With Club Sevco

Good Evening.

Having seen some recent sun-drenched, pre-season, Sevco-chasing reports from the Scottish football media’s finest, The Clumpany is delighted to be able to bring you an exclusive holiday offer in association with Flights of Fancy Ltd.

Flying out from Glasgow, you will land in southern Spain and stay in an entirely inconsequential hotel for the duration of your visit. All you will need to know is that Stevie G and the Hitherto-Unknown World-Beating Rangers* Signings Who Are Here To Steal Celtic’s Crown are training somewhere nearby.

This exclusive ‘dignity-spared’ holiday will provide you with access to the Rangers* squad which is training ahead of the upcoming SPFL season. This access will give you a fantastic opportunity to drool over the signing of players that you have never heard of, and will allow you to ask the Rangers* manager or his PR representative if they would like to tickle your tummy.

The luxury break will include access to a vintage ‘David Murray Era’ grill, upon which you can prepare some especially-succulent lamb without undertaking any self-reflection whatsoever.

We feel sure that this opportunity will delight you, if no one else.

The holiday also includes permanent membership of the Dignity-a-Go-Go night spot in which you can dance around a series of uncomfortable liquidation-denying truths without ever being held to account.

We feel sure that Stevie G will appreciate your mindless interest in the affairs of Club Sevco, and we believe that Chairman Dave King will enjoy your acceptance of any PR spin that you are able to embrace.

This amazing holiday offer is available at the exclusive discounted rate of the loss of your self-respect and the unrelenting mirth of those around you.

Book now^ to ensure the profound disappointment of your nearest and dearest.

^Offer open only to Scottish sports journalists. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a satire on the unique ‘pleasures’ of Scottish football.

Gerrard, Media, Satire

Steven Gerrard’s Shocking Discovery

Good Afternoon.

Possibly not appearing in an attempted newspaper any time soon…

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“Witchcraft!” Cry Rangers* Fans As Gerrard Shocks Glasgow.

The Rangers* manager made a remarkable discovery during his first day in Glasgow and now the Light Blue legions are building bonfires upon which to burn witches.

By B. Magic

Scottish football had already been rocked by the arrival of the Champions League-winning Champions League winner, but it is Gerrard’s activities away from the training ground that may yet prove to have the biggest impact.

On his very first day in Glasgow, the legendary Liverpool legend stepped out to sample the city’s entertainment and went to the ‘pictures’ at a secret venue.

The secret venue is known only to a select few as well as the many people milling around outside who saw Gerrard going in and asking his associate “is this the secret venue?”.

However the ‘secret’ venue is now likely to find itself firmly ‘on the map’ after what then transpired while the Rangers* manager was at the ‘pictures’.

Around 20 minutes after he went in, a screaming Gerrard was seen slowly fleeing the secret venue with all the pace he could muster. His words were unmistakeable

“What the f*ck is this sorcery? Moving pictures?! Moving. F*cking* Pictures. It’s witchcraft!”

Stopped by a concerned Rangers* fan, a hyperventilating Gerrard breathlessly explained that the pictures had started to move, and they even began to talk to him.

“He was in a right state” said the fan. “And I am spooked myself. Talking and moving pictures? What the hell is going on? Burn the witch responsible! BURN THEM!”

He continued, “Stevie G managed to gather himself enough to call someone to come and pick him up, but you could see he was still highly distressed and shaking his head as he got into the car. I am sure I heard him say ‘there must be some sort of evil curse on this city’ just before he sped away.'”

This shocking scene was only the beginning. Word of Gerrard’s shocking revelation spread like wildfire, and soon the stunned Ibrox fan base took to the street demanding that witches with the power to animate pictures be rounded up and punished in an appropriate manner. “Let’s go! Burn the witches!” was the deafening cry which filled the air.

In other news, Rangers,* latest bargain basement buy is said by the club’s spokesperson to be “an absolute wizard on the pitch”.

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Meanwhile…

Steven Gerrard pops into secret plush cinema in Glasgow

#KeepOnClumping