Clumpany Matters, Satire, Scottish Football

Charles Green’s Lost Property

Charles Green

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany was out and about this morning when it happened to stumble across something unusual.

We are all used to seeing litter in the street, and occasionally we might find some coins (or a “transfer budget” as it’s known at Ibrox). We might even have the misfortune to tread in something unpleasant (there is nothing worse than a damp discarded copy of the Evening Shark-Jump in the gutter, except perhaps a fresh new copy of the Evening Shark-Jump on a newsstand). However, I managed to come across something which I REALLY didn’t expect to see.

It was a Scottish Premier Division title!

There I was minding my own business on the street when suddenly a gust of wind caused it to arrive at my ethereal feet.

Fancy that!

Naturally, I glanced around to see if anyone had dropped it, but there was no one nearby. So I picked it up and had a good look. I quickly realised that this was no ordinary title. It was the 1996-7 ‘Nine-in-a-row’ title acquired by Rangers under the guidance of the legnedary Cardigan, which was the subject of a truly embarrassing drool-a-thon in Glasgow’s ‘premier’ evening paper last week.

I wondered what on earth it was doing drifting around the streets. And following a quick glance at Twitter – where the excellent @mintys_lamb had been doing what he does best – I quickly realised the truth.

Having bought Rangers’ history and titles following the creditors’ rejection of the CVA in 2012, Charles Green must have dropped the 1996-7 title as he rushed back to Ibrox!

What a blunder! Still, it’s easily done when you are carrying such a lot of baggage with you. I guess it was fortunate that he also wasn’t carrying Rangers’ debts with him otherwise there could have been a major, traffic-stopping spillage.

Anyway, having come into possession of the 1996-7 title, The Clumpany is wondering what to with it. If Mr Green’s creation Sevco believe it to be theirs, then they are welcome to pop round to Clumpany Towers. I’ll hand it over in return for seeing definitive proof of ownership.

Otherwise, I plan to celebrate my title with an open-top bus parade next week. I hope I can count on you lining the streets to cheer me on and commiserate with the late Rangers Football Club on only winning Eight-in-a-row.






Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Ibrox Vegetables

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the following article isn’t going to appear in any newspaper.


Leeks from Rangers camp must stop, says Pedro Caixinha

By A. Market-Gardener

Rangers* manager Pedro Caixinha has vowed to crack down on leeks leaving the Ibrox dressing room.

Caixinha has been unhappy with the number of magnificent specimens disappearing after coming into contact with the first-team squad since he took charge six weeks ago.

His latest gripe came after news broke that some of his much-loved leeks had won prizes in a number of vegetable shows without his agreement that they should be entered.

Now the Portuguese boss has promised to find the person who removed the leeks, and  has warned that anyone caught eating them will incur his wrath.

He said: “We don’t comment on speculation. But I can confirm that there has been a lovely garden here since Ally McCoist stepped down as manager. I’ve spoken to three players so far and those three players know what is going to happen to them if I find out they have been using the leeks to make a tasty soup with some potatoes.

“The majority of my suspicion is directed to the inside of the club, as this is a major concern. If my leeks are being taken away by an insider I cannot say that I am happy with that situation. Especially as I was hoping to use those lovely leeks in a meal for the chairman, which I would send to South Africa in a purée like the ones eaten by astronauts. Because Mr King isn’t here very often. Which is a shame, because those leeks are so delicious. 

“We need to identify who is taking the leeks and then put them on the compost heap, where they will rot like all our unused substitutes. We are a big club with big leek-growing ambitions, and a big club cannot have this sort of behaviour.

“We dig and we hoe. And we water and nurture those precious plants. That is the way we are going to train and prepare for our games.

“No leeks, no happiness. That is a point we definitely need to understand.

“The loss of the leeks is not just destabilising for myself. It upsets the balance of the whole garden. Without the leeks there is only grass. And no one wishes to see grass. Especially while he is still injured.

“I found when I was working at Sporting Lisbon that leeks also escaped easily. Benfica rules Portuguese football nowadays. But back then it was Porto.

“I can tell you something – no leeks come out from Benfica unless they want them to be proudly displayed and then eaten in a magnificent feast. That is why they are successful.

“With Porto in those days, I used to remember they had a president who said when players were coming in or moving, ‘If a magnificent leek appeared outside the walls of the club the players were not to be trusted in vegetable matters.’

“I found that a very good principle and they were successful with their leeks. I try to follow successful leek growers, not the opposite.”


Meanwhile, in other news:

Leaks from Rangers camp must stop, says Pedro Caixinha


NB Yes I know it’s not actually the season for leeks, but at least I am not taking the p*ss to the extent of pretending Sevco is the same club as Rangers…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Skeletor Could Be The Man To Fix Things Says Kris Void

Good Evening.

Not appearing in the Sunday column of noted limbo-dancer Kris Void anytime soon…


Skeletor Could Be The Man To Fix Things Says Kris Void

The people of Eternia loathe him for causing chaos, but Skeletor could be just the man to transform the fortunes of Rangers* says Kris Void.

Some Gers* fans can’t even bring themselves to look at the league table these days as things get worse for their side, and the gap to Celtic gets bigger. So now it may be time for a dramatic shake-up in the boardroom.

Skeletor has the potential to make all their troubles go away with his evil nature, wicked plans and army of mutant sidekicks.

I know some Rangers* fans will be worried about the prospect of a fictional cartoon villain taking control of that magnificent institution, but it can’t be any worse than what they currently have, and it might even turn out to be a better bet for an exciting, maniacal laughter-filled future.

And what my old club needs right now is someone who can unlock the secrets of Castle Grayskull and possibly find its deeds. They might then be able to get a mortgage on it and buy some better players.

It has to be worth a try.

Because the way I see it, He-Man needs to be crushed underfoot, and Rangers* need a new team. Skeletor could kill two birds with one stone.

I have to hold up my hands and say I backed Dave King when he took over the club two years ago. But he hasn’t delivered on his promises and things seem to be going backwards.

Skeletor can bring some strong leadership to the table and will command respect from the rest of Scottish football.

And having a base in Eternia would be a great advantage if the lads get drawn against a side from there in the Europa League.

Skeletor himself is a well-known Bluenose, despite not having a nose, and a successful Rangers* can help to raise his own profile as he tries to undertake a war of conquest. He might also fancy sitting on a few SFA committees where the club has been unrepresented for several years.

I honestly don’t see any down sides to this idea. It’s a clear win-win.

Apart from if Skeletor’s half-baked plans come unstuck because of incompetence and lack of resources, and everyone associated with him ends up being humiliated. As usual.

But this is Rangers*, and that sort of thing could never happen, could it?


And if you think that the above idea is ridiculous, check out this one…


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

9-In-A-Row 20 Years On: Billy McStaunch Tells Us What Happened Next

Good Evening.

Sadly no newspaper will be printing this as part of a series of pull-out supplements… 😉


9-In-A-Row 20 Years On: Billy McStaunch Tells Us What Happened Next

May 9, 1998 is a day that Rangers fan Billy McStaunch will never forget.

For it was on that day that the previously unstoppable Rangers tanks were turned back by the luckiest military manoeuvre since ‘Colonel’ Parker got Elvis to sign on the dotted line.

Somehow the impossible happened and Celtic fluked a league title with a 2-0 win over St Johnstone. Flukey flukey flukey Celtic.

Ten-in-a-row parties were cancelled, your author allegedly cried himself to sleep every night for several years, and nothing was ever the same again. Except that it WAS because Rangers are still the world’s most successful club and are going for 55 again next year. 

One eyewitness to that awful May day has given us an exclusive insight to what that lucky, doesn’t-really-count Celtic title meant to him.

Billy McStaunch followed the Light Blues everywhere during the nine-in-a-row years and can vividly remember the impact of Celtic thwarting their bid to go out on their own with the Ten.

“Bastards”, said Billy. “Bastard f*cking bastardy bastards.”

“Cheating State-Aided, traitorous stinking bastards. That was our title. Our ten-in-a-row. Absolute f*cking c*nts”.

Billy still feels the impact of his beloved Gers missing out on what would have been their greatest domestic achievement.

“C*nts, all of them.”

“Wim Jansen – managerial c*nt.”

“Henrik Larsson – overrated c*nt.”

“Harald f*cking Brattbakk – just a c*nt.”

“Peter Liewwell – he scored that day didn’t he? Absolute c*nt.”

“Fergus bastarding McCann. What a c*nt. Who did he think he was? David Murray had bought that success for Rangers and McCann came along and stole it. The c*nt.”

Billy and his friends have formed an informal support group to deal with the continuing grief they feel following that disappointing day.

“Aye. We drink a case of Buckie and kick the living sh*t out of an anvil with a Celtic scarf  wrapped round it. A bastarding Celtic scarf. We then spend the rest of the week in A&E before doing it all over again the following weekend. We haven’t been to a game since 1998.”

Asked whether nine-in-a-row wasn’t worth celebrating despite it only drawing Rangers level with Celtic’s record, Billy was unequivocal in his response.

“F*ck off! No one is equal to the mighty Gers! Our Nine is way better than Celtic’s. Theirs was just a bit better than Eight. Ours was almost a Ten. And it would have BEEN a Ten had it not been for those lucky Hooped bastards in 1998.”

“C*nts all of them. Now, when is David Murray going to buy us two European Cups?”



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco, SFA

Dave King And Stewart Regan: The Truth

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has obtained a transcript of the meeting which Dave King and Stewart Regan held last week when the Sevco Supremo seemingly jetted in to Glasgow for the Craig Whyte court case, only to be stood down. A meeting which was belatedly reported by Roddy Forsyth in today’s Telegraph, and which took place against the backdrop of:

  • The ‘going concern’ warning in Sevco’s accounts.
  • Sevco’s need for a UEFA licence.
  • Dave King facing a Court of Session hearing in which the Takeover Panel will seek enforcement action following his failure to make an offer for RIFC shares not owned by the concert party he is deemed to have led.
  • Sevco facing potentially costly further litigation about their commercial relationship with Sports Direct. 
  • The Craig White trial, which may relate to a different ‘club’, but which still creates waves for the latest Ibrox outfit.
  • Questions being asked about the state of Ibrox.
  • Etc etc etc

So here is the transcript of the meeting, which was passed to The Clumpany by an anonymous source:


SR: “Hi Dave. How’s things?”

DK: “Fine Stewart. Yourself?”

SR: “Not so bad Dave. Mustn’t grumble.”

DK: “Are you still following the cricket? It’s been a few years now.”

SR: “Well it never really leaves you Dave. Would you like some tea?”

DK: “That would be very nice Stewart. Thank you.”

SR: “Jammie Dodger?”

DK: “I beg your pardon?”

SR: “BISCUIT Dave. A Jammie Dodger BISCUIT. Unless you’d like chocolate? Fruit and Nut?”

DK: “No, I haven’t brought any of the fans with me.”

SR: “Well do help yourself from the plate. Nice weather we are having?”

DK: “Well it is certainly different to South Africa, but it is definitely warm for Glasgow.”

SR: “Is that a new tie, Dave?”

DK: “No, I have had it for some time.”

SR: “New suit?”

DK: “Yes it is. I tried a new tailor. I think the jacket reaches a very favourable settlement over my shoulders.”

SR: “You could say it FITS and it’s a PROPER suit. Ha ha!”

DK: “Yes you could say that, Stewart. If you really felt the need. How is the SFA at the moment?”

SR: “Oh you know, ups and downs, ups and downs. When are you going back to South Africa?”

DK: “After this meeting.”

SR: “You aren’t staying for the game against Celtic?”

DK: “Places to go and people to see Stewart. You know how it is.”

SR: “I do Dave. I do. Another tea before you go?”

DK: “No I am fine thanks, Stewart. Anyway, it was good to see you. Hope to see you again at some point soon.”

SR: “You too Dave. You too. See you later.”

DK: “Goodbye Stewart.”

SR: “Goodbye Dave.”


So there you have it. Conclusive proof that Dave King and the Chief Executive of the Scottish Football Assocition were not focusing on any weighty matters, but were simply discussing general topics on an informal basis, as mentioned by Roddy Forsyth:


Sadly General Topics was unavailable for comment, although The Clumpany understands that he may attend the next Armed Forces Day at Ibrox.


Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

History’s Greatest Villain

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that the United Nations Security Council may soon pass a resolution which lays the blame for some of the greatest ills bedevilling humanity at one person’s door.

The charge sheet – which has been drawn up following a huge amount of work by two entirely separate research bodies – includes all of the following, and more besides:

  • War.
  • Famine.
  • Pestilence.
  • Global warming.
  • Nuclear proliferation.
  • Pollution.
  • Disease.
  • The Oscars.
  • The Boat Race.
  • The ‘Gocompare’ TV adverts.
  • Ken Barlow’s utterly inexplicable pulling power over the years.

Apparently, the Security Council is prepared to consider the strongest possible measures against the guilty individual, including air strikes and loss of access to decent streams for football matches.

But who is this appalling individual who has wrought havoc across the globe? And which two entirely independent research bodies came up with the evidence with which to charge them?

Allow me to explain with two pictures:



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Most Amazing Thing EVER

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that its good pal Alan is absolutely buzzing. I haven’t seen him in person to check, but word reaches me that his local paper has decided to run a series of pieces about some of the allegedly remarkable things he has done, and he is thrilled about it!

I understand that his local paper is renowned for peddling any old upbeat nonsense. And as we all know, Alan used to be some sort of celebrity in that neck of the woods, so they were only too happy to shout from the rooftops about the groundbreaking things he did 20 years ago when he wasn’t involved in Campervan escapades.

So do look out for exciting tales of Alan

  • Making beans on toast.
  • Driving a car.
  • Complaining about the price of petrol.
  • Renewing his house insurance.
  • Sleeping at night.
  • Having Weetabix for breakfast.
  • Watching TV.
  • Listening to the radio.
  • Catching a cold.
  • Going shopping.
  • Remarking on the changeable weather.
  • Having a cup of tea.
  • Drinking coffee instead on the odd occasion.
  • Enjoying a bet on the horses.
  • Grumbling about the in-laws.
  • Going to the pub.
  • Taking his dog for a walk.
  • Catching a bus.
  • Watching a repeat of a Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special.
  • Reading a newspaper; and
  • Saving the planet by recycling said newspaper and using it to wipe his arse.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“Twenty years ago or not, ALL of those things have been done before. They are no big deal. How desperate would you have to be to systematically trumpet someone emulating somebody else?”

It’s a good question, and my pal Alan – ever the shrewd observer of newspaper output – would doubtless offer the following answer:


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…