Satire, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

The Shite Before Christmas…


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has bad news for children across the land.

Apparently everyone's favourite festive hero Santa Claus is introducing a new approach to his work this Christmas.

He won't accept childrens' Christmas wish lists this year because he considered lists previously. The fact that circumstances have changed, and that the children see their earlier lists as competently defective – if not utterly irrelevant – is unfortunately immaterial as far as he is concerned.

Santa has taken advice from a non-Lapland lawyer and he has to inform the youth of Scotland that he cannot reopen the issue of Christmas lists. Not that Santa views this as a problem. Indeed he believes that there is no appetite for him to consider Christmas lists this year, and he expects Scottish youngsters to move on to Easter.

Santa does however have a gargantuan appetite for your contribution to his work. He therefore requests that you leave an extra mince pie and a whole bottle of Buckie out for him this year. You don't need to bother with a carrot for Rudolph, though.

"Fuck Rudolph" said Santa. "As long as I'm having an easy life, I don't care about the welfare of anyone else or indeed the integrity of this whole 'Christmas' malarkey'."

Merry Christmas everybody.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

Media, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Awaiting Your Instructions


Good Afternoon.

One of the most preposterous things said in relation to calls for an investigation and possible title-stripping following the Supreme Court’s ruling on the Big Tax Case has been the following:

“Chris will helpfully bring us the latest”. 😉

Of course, I jest. It was actually “Grant! You’ll put everyone in the picture, won’t you?”. 😉

I jest once again.

It is actually the notion that the authorities will act if there is sufficient pressure from clubs/ fans for it.

Now, I am no expert in horsesh*t. But I know a steaming pile when I see one. Particularly if it has an army of (very smelly) squirrels climbing all over it.

It is truly astonishing that anyone could have sufficient contempt for common sense, sport and the intelligence of their audience to utter the words and expect anyone to take them seriously!

And it is even more outrageous that the footballing authorities are able to hide behind this crap rather than be relentlessly pursued for a coherent account of themselves and a commitment to take serious action.

But that is the situation in which we seem to find ourselves at present.

Surely the questions should always be “has wrong apparently been done? How can we test this? What sanctions can be applied if wrongdoing is proven?”

…rather than sitting there in glorious inaction until your hand is forced?

What is the point of rules, regulatory bodies and a supposedly inquisitive media if staring at your shoes until the paying customers make you do something is seen as a perfectly rational and acceptable approach?

I’ll tell you.

There is none.

Whatever next?

  • Referees only awarding legitimate goals if there is sufficient pressure for it? [Actually, let’s not give the SFA any ideas…]
  • Taxi drivers declining to take a passenger home, and just sitting on the rank with the engine running until thousands of the fare’s mates start shouting at them?
  • The police receiving reports of a murder (or ‘a Tweet’ depending on your preferred level of melodrama), and refusing to do anything until enough people phone insisting that they have to look into it?
  • Juries in criminal trials lounging around in the jury room drinking Buckie until the weight of popular opinion forces them to make a decision?
  • An invaded country only bothering to defend itself if enough folk email the authorities to take action?

The entire national sport of Scotland and those who follow it are being taken for mugs. 

You know that, I know that, and I suspect that everyone working at Hampden and in the sports media knows it too.

As a result, it is good to see the Scottish Football Supporters Association (whose survey I commend) doing their stuff, alongside the dynamic new Strip The Titles initiative, and the fans of many clubs [NB I have been particularly impressed by some of the Dons’ fans].

This is clearly the time to apply – and keep up – the pressure.

Inaction by the fans – and by the clubs they may have squandered millions following in a seemingly rigged game – merely endorses the authorities’ inertia. It does this because it leaves the authorities unquestioned and unchallenged. And it does so because it appears that the vast majority of the ‘heroic’ Scottish sports media simply cannot be trusted to do anything other than desperately try to avoid rocking the boat.

Shame on them.

And well done to everyone fighting for justice.  Keep it up!

Even if it means crowdfunding a judicial review.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Do take a few minutes to complete the Scottish Football Supporters’ Association survey, which you can find by clicking here.

Celtic, Champions League, Satire, Scottish Football

A Self-Indulgent Army?

Rodgers

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hopes that it finds you well.

Anyway, about that Green Brigade statement… 😉

>>>>>

Following the club statement on Friday, we take this opportunity to accept full responsibility for both the pyrotechnics display to celebrate the achievements of the Lisbon Lions at the Hearts match in May, and our ‘Brendan’s Undefeated Army’ tifo during the match against Linfield on Wednesday evening. Except that we aren’t quite. We won’t pay any fine levied by UEFA or apologise to the club or fans for any consequences resulting from our actions. The important thing is to be ultra-tastic at all times. After all, even if Celtic end up playing in a closed stadium, we will… err… be there.

While we are kind-of-disappointed at the martyrdom offered by the impending two match ban, we know that in the sanitised world of Scottish and European football there are (bizarrely) rules and punishments, as well as expectations of good behaviour and basic regard for our fellow fans. As a result, the actions of an Ultra group like ours may have consequences for our members. [NB “May”! We actually just said may have consequences!”, as though we are genuinely surprised that pushing the envelope so far actually results in repercussions!]. We do, however, completely oppose collective punishment, and a blanket ban on all fans in our block is disproportionate and unjust. Therefore we call on the board to revise this decision. Because we are all heart, and we are confident that the board wants to listen to us, even though we maybe didn’t stop to think about the consequences for others before acting rashly.

As a group, we are defined by our style of support and our politics, both of which the club are happy to benefit from when it suits their agenda. Although we won’t specify what that “agenda” actually is at this time. Almost a year ago, after much immediate criticism, we brought worldwide adulation on the club for our show of solidarity with the people of Palestine and the subsequent charity fundraising which was endorsed by the Celtic support, but not by UEFA, who make the rules and who imposed yet another fine on the club. What isn’t common knowledge is if it had not been for this incredible response, we would have faced the same punishment as we currently face. And we are confident in this big assertion.

In light of this, and of the condemnation of banners and songs from Wednesday, we refuse to allow a discredited and corrupt organisation like UEFA (who unfortunately have the temerity to impose rules which must be followed if you want to play in their competitions and win the substantial prize and TV money…) or a board which has welcomed Tory Lords to dictate our moral compass. Because the background of Celtic board members clearly negates the rules of UEFA, health and safety regulations, and the responsibility of a publicly-listed football club to protect the interests and image of its footballing and commercial  operations and to look after its shareholders and fans as a whole.

Our decision to mark the achievements of 1967 by using pyrotechnics was not taken lightly. In fact it was very light. And smoky. Because that is what pyro is like. We took the required steps to ensure that this was carried out as safely as possible. Because we are skilled pyrotechnic engineers with the necessary qualifications and permissions, and we knew – following extensive surveys – that the authorities and our fellow fans were happy for us to do so. We also did it in the knowledge that we as a group may face potential consequences as a result of it. But hey! Why not? It’s only the authorities and their rules and regulations. Everyone else can conform on our behalf.  We believe the scenes that day and the response from the Celtic support proved it to be worthwhile. And that’s probably the most important thing.

We have engaged in regular dialogue with the club over this matter throughout the summer and believed to be reaching an amicable outcome. However it seems as if events outside of our control on Wednesday (and NOT those within our control, oh no) have impacted upon the decision which has now been reached.

The Green Brigade exists to support Celtic in a positive manner and we believe that this current confrontation is unnecessary and avoidable. We reject any suggestion that “it WAS avoidable, and we are therefore now inevitably residing in Confrontationville which is a suburb of Consequence City”. We welcome Peter Lawwell’s call for dialogue as we have been waiting on his availability for some time. One of our first talking points will be the unnecessary and unsafe policing operation carried out during Wednesday night’s match, which we believe must be the source of one of UEFA’s charges (blocked stairwells) and could only have been designed to antagonise fans in the area. Other possibilities are clearly unthinkable. It MUST have been about antagonising folk. As the evidence below proves [NB yes we did say “proves” rather than “suggests”], it is bizarre and shameful that the club have not only blamed the fans for this charge but have cited it as a reason for the ban.

Other pertinent issues to be addressed are the club’s response to the biggest cheating scandal to shame Scottish sport; the insulting of the Celtic support over the Linfield away debacle and negligence of the safety of those they knew would travel (because it is highly unlikley that the club would had looked at an awkward fixture at a tense time of year and made a reasoned-if-reluctant decision on the basis of the available information and advice from the authorities); and the silence over the racial and sectarian hatred directed at our player of the year and manager. Typically, the club are quick* to bite the hand that feeds them yet reluctant to unite against common detractions. [* NB Our definition of “quick”]

We have built a positive relationship with the Celtic SLO. However we are concerned that his position is nearly untenable due to the manner in which he is continually undermined by Celtic security staff. The SLO is required to “collaborate with the security officer on safety and security-related matters” however has been deliberately excluded from discussions of this nature which is in breach of the UEFA SLO Guidelines, as per article 35. His exclusion is a deliberate tactic adopted by the police and Celtic security to facilitate the targeting of our members. And yes that is a big assertion to make. A big one! We hope you are impressed by it.

For over 10 years now the Green Brigade has withstood attacks from Police Scotland and sadly this will always continue. This also will not be our first ban or forced absence from Celtic Park. The Green Brigade has not only survived through the years but we have thrived – we are currently as large and strong as we have ever been. We can assure all that we will be back in Celtic Park soon enough and that we will never allow our style nor our politics to ever be diluted.

So can we have all the rules and regulations waived immediately please? And can the Celtic board and everyone else respect our Ultra-ness?

Green Brigade
Until the last assertion.

>>>>>

That’s probably it from me.

Remember folks, satire doesn’t only work on Sevco-related matters.  It also works for those who – in the main – offer amazing support to Scotlands No.1 team and who do a lot of good work away from football.

#StripTheTitles and

#KeepOnClumping

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Celtic, Champions League, Satire, Scottish Football

Leigh Griffiths: A Deserved Yellow Card


Good Evening.

Following the conclusion of yesterday’s Linfield v Celtic match – a fixture akin to the Football Banter Gods coming up with a ‘great idea’ after their usual dealer accidentally sold them some really dark mood-altering sh*t (😉) – The Clumpany sent the footage to top Clumpany scientists for analysis.

I wanted to know quite why Leigh Griffiths had been booked. The Twitter feeds of the two competing clubs told different tales.


I am pleased to report that the dedicated staff of the Clumpany labs did their jobs to their usual high standards and in record time.

Following forensic, slow-motion analysis of the footage, The Clumpany can confirm that Linfield FC and (most importantly) the referee were absolutely right.

Leigh Griffiths was time-wasting.

He is bang to rights.

In what appears to be the blink of an eye to the ill-informed, you can clearly see Griffiths sit down at a mahogany bureau and write invitations using quill and ink.

These invitations were then sent to all manner of people around the world who duly replied via letter, messenger and carrier pigeon over a period of several months.

Having received their replies, Griffiths waited until the appointed day and had a very smart table and chairs set up in the corner of the Windsor Park pitch. The finest glasses known to humanity adorned the table and – unsurprisingly – the guests were hugely impressed when they arrived. 

Ever the consummate host, Leigh Griffiths told the assembled company that he would have to leave them briefly to take a corner, but he hoped that his brief absence wouldn’t inconvenience them. 

Griffiths was assured by all present that no one would mind him interrupting the occasion to do his job.

And then a problem arose.

Leigh realised he had forgotten to bring the booze for his on-pitch wine-tasting event!

Oh no!

Everyone shuffled uncomfortably in their seats and tried not to make eye contact with  their host as the full extent of his failings became apparent. 

But then something amazing happened!

Despite the huge disrespect he was clearly showing to the Champions League, and despite the massive inconvenience he was causing them, a kind-hearted Linfield fan decided to help Griffiths out. And so he threw the remnants of his half-bottle of Buckie in the general direction of the Celtic striker.

It is a matter of considerable social regret – but well-deserved football justice – that just as Griffiths was about to serve the Buckie he had picked up from the pitch the referee decided to book him for timewasting.

Nae luck Leigh. But you clearly brought the booking on yourself… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

An Urgent Statement About Rangers’ CVA


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just released the following statement…

>>>>>>

The Clumpany is disappointed to note that no one involved in the British food and retail industries is willing to bow to The Clumpany’s demands that they start putting  appeals to find the missing “Rangers exiting administration” documents on milk cartons.

Given the importance of this issue and the wish of similar paperwork from Hearts, Dunfermline and others to join their Rangers counterpart in a big celebratory party at Clumpany Towers, it is outrageous that my perfectly reasonable demands have not been met.

How dare the so-called ‘neutral’ milk sector behave in this outrageous manner? I don’t care whether the content of milk carton packaging is a matter for producers to determine, subject to the inclusion of certain information required by law. I have a self-absorbed fuss to make and BOY am I going to make it.

Nor is it important that milk carton appeals regarding the ‘Missing’  are more of an American thing than a British one. I demand to be heard and respected and to have my wishes pandered-to. Especially those wishes that are explained in really long sentences that wouldn’t know punctuation if it came along and put a semi-colon hyphen full stop to it so there are you intimidated by the length of this sentence are you ARE you?

Even-handedness demands that an appeal for Rangers’ ‘CVA success’ paperwork is put on UK milk cartons. Failure to respect basic human rights will not be tolerated and will result in boycotts and writing grammar-free emails to everyone on a specially-compiled list. I am good at making lists.

I have met with a number of cows in fields across Scotland and they all recognised the need for me to get my own way in this matter. In fact they said they would not be “mooved”.

That’s “mooved”. A direct quote.

How much more persuasion do you need?

Let there be no misunderstanding. Milk and everyone associated with it will regret the day they refused to bow to my demands.

And that includes you Milk Tray Man. Let’s see how glamorous you are when you are just Tray Man.

And Milka Cows. You won’t be laughing when you are simply -a Cows.

And before they get any ideas, the agenda-driven goat community should consider itself ‘on notice’ that its milk is set to be deemed guilty by milky association.

And speaking of ‘milky’, my determination to prevail against the haters is such that I will see Milky Way humiliated – in both its chocolate and galaxy forms if necessary.

No one ‘milks it’ on my watch.

>>>>>>

In other news, I see a Sevco fans’ group has issued a statement.

Statement on Daily Record Coverage

😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Unexpected Abuse


Good Evening.

The Clumpany encountered some truly surreal things when it was out and about today.

While waiting for the bus I noticed a decaying lump of dog excrement on the pavement. 

You might think there was nothing unusual in that. And you’d be correct. But what was truly extraordinary was that the heap of canine foulness was shouting at passers by.

“There was no sporting advantage” it bellowed. “Rangers would have bought those players anyway. EBTs weren’t illegal!”

It repeated the cry over and over again. 

Somewhat bemused, I got the bus and thought no more about it.

Until I got off the bus, whereupon a runny pigeon dump splattered on my ethereal shoulder from a great height. I was just about to recoil in horror when I was taken aback at the sound of the droppings talking to me!

“There is no appetite to reopen Lord Nimmo-Smith’s Commission. It is time to heal and move on.”

I availed myself of the tissues and wet-wipes offered by sympathetic passers-by, and removed the mess from my intangible person.

I walked a few yards and saw a mounted policeman. His horse deposited a huge pile of manure by my feet and trotted away. I held my ethereal nose to avoid the stench, but was again shocked when the steaming equine crap mountain started talking to me.

“It’s all in the past!” it said. “Top lawyers have been asked and there is no mechanism to take action against Rangers. The matter is closed”.

Increasingly perturbed by events, I hastened to the shops to make my purchases and then head back to the relative sanity of Clumpany Towers. However, before boarding the bus home I popped to the public toilets and had the misfortune to discover that my predecessor had forgotten to flush.

And as if it wasn’t bad enough to find a world class jobbie staring up at me, the remarkable specimen started shouting at me!

“Those titles were won on the pitch! It would be theft to take them off Rangers. You are just bitter and jealous! Concentrate on your own team!”

Fearing that I might be going completely crazy, I decided not to wait for the bus but instead got a taxi back to Clumpany Towers. Once there, I called my pal Alan. I haven’t seen him in ages and was due to catch up, but the day’s events made it imperative that I spoke to him immediately. Alan is a sensible bloke and can always be relied upon to offer a sense of perspective. 

As soon as he heard my voice, Alan commented that I sounded a bit shaken, and asked me what the matter was. So I gave him a blow-by-blow account of all the talking turds and their detailed comments on Rangers.

To be honest, I was expecting Alan to show some sympathy, but instead he just chuckled at me, before explaining:

“FFS Clumpany! Why so concerned? You’ve just encountered a load of shit arguments against title stripping.

Open the newspapers and you will have exactly the same experience. Day after day.”

#KeepOnClumping

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Why The SFA Can’t Take Action Against Rangers (IL)


Good Evening.

The Clumpany assumes that no effort will be spared in finding and articulating reasons why the SFA can’t take any action against Rangers (IL) and their haul of trophies following today’s Supreme Court ruling on the ‘Big Tax Case’.

The SFA has already issued a statement which has bewildered many, and caused others to piss their pants (ethereal or otherwise). Amongst other things, it says

“The clear opinion of Senior Counsel is that there is a very limited chance of the Scottish FA succeeding in relation to any complaint regarding this matter and that, even if successful, any sanctions available to a Judicial Panel would also be limited in their scope.

Accordingly, having had time to consider the opinion from Senior Counsel, and having examined the judgment of the UK Supreme Court, the Board has determined that no further disciplinary action should be taken by the Scottish FA at this time.”

In view of this, The Clumpany wonders what other ‘compelling’ detailed arguments might be advanced against taking disciplinary action in response to the grotesque spectacle of a football club paying out millions of pounds in wrongly-untaxed wages to players.

Here are a few suggestions… 😉

We’d love to, but our dog ate the paperwork.

We had no mobile signal so missed what happened.

And when we did have a signal, the battery in our phone ran out and there was a toaster plugged into all the electricity sockets. So we couldn’t recharge it.

The traffic was terrible and the Highway Code has no provision for taking action against Rangers.

We didn’t have the right change for the ‘Rangers sanctions’ machine. Original 1872 pennies are a bastard to find these days.

You want us to take action in THESE shoes?

The train was cancelled. You can’t address football club misdemeanours on a replacement bus.

It rained and we didn’t have an umbrella so we stayed at home. Our remote access didn’t work and so we couldn’t take any action against Rangers.

We got watching daytime TV. And you know how it is. We lost all track of time. Great ‘Bargain Hunt’ today though!

Eventually we set off for the office and popped into the supermarket en route. You should have seen the queue! We were in there for an eternity!

By the time we got out of the supermarket, the office would have closed for the day. So we popped into the pub, where we played The Beatles’ ‘Taxman’ over and over on the jukebox when we could have been discussing Rangers’ misdeeds instead.

Later, we were just about to leave the pub when we saw someone who we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them rather than get home and do some Rangers disciplinary work on the laptop.

And then – you’ll never guess what, we know it sounds unbelievable, but – we were just about to leave the pub again when we saw someone else we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them too.

And of course, those unexpected reunions couldn’t end without one for the road.

And then we went for a curry afterwards.

And then on to a club.

We woke up on a park bench with no idea where we were, so what were we supposed to do? We couldn’t exactly pursue sanctions on Rangers in that situation could we?

We eventually found a taxi driver to get us to the office for 9am but he couldn’t find it. No, really…

Then it turned out we had lost our keys, so we couldn’t even get in to take any disciplinary action.

To be honest, we then needed to have a good sleep to recover.

You can’t strip honours with a hangover, after all. Can you?

In any case, we were watching The Simpsons one day and we are sure Lionel Hutz said there was literally no mechanism for taking any action against Rangers.

Anyway, look at the shiny shiny thing! You all want to play in the Scottish Cup don’t you? Our lovely money-spinning competition… You should concentrate on that.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun reacting to the surreal nature of Scottish football…