Scottish Football

A Panicked Sevco High Command Meets In Dignified Conclave

A well-placed source informs me that the Sevco High Command met in urgent dignified conclave after today’s Quintessentially British defeat to the mighty Hamilton.

The Serious Professional and a magnificently-maned factotum reached south of the Limpopo to insist David Cunningham King dialled in to the staunch sit-down.

The call was sponsored by OPM, and the reversal of the charges reflected the reversal in the fortunes of the five-year old basket of assets moulded into Sevco FC by founding father Charles of Normandy.

The sensible faction in the blues-stricken Blue Room had been backing Graeme Stuart Murty to replace Pedro Miguel Faria Caixinha as the cut-price wearer of the dignified managerial brown brogues. However, today’s entirely Academical set-back had put a spoke in their un-Cunningham plan.

Unfortunately for the sensible faction, the more determined Rangers men had not forgotten their vocal support for Murty, and a free and frank exchange of views followed.

The Serious Professional – who (like the Admirable Warburton) seems a decent guy doing a tough job – attempted to bring some focus to the deliberations of the People’s dignified leadership. He invited the board to decide whether it really could muster the cash to make a formal approach to Derek McInnes or else stick with Mr Graeme Stuart Murty.

I understand that there was then a very awkward silence before one particularly brave Blue Room veteran said that it all depended upon whether David Cunningham King was prepared to over-invest in the manner that the stenographers had suggested, following the high-Level encouragement of an intergalactic PR guru.

Dear reader, my source informs me that there were audible gasps when the staunchly-brave individual said “Dave, it’s time to put up or shut up.”

It was then a huge disappointment to all concerned that the line from South Africa suddenly became extremely crackly and the Chairman’s dignified response could not be heard.

Meanwhile, Sevco remains a loss-making business without a credit line from a bank.

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F*ck. I’ve posted this on the wrong blog, haven’t I?!

Media, Satire

The Truth About ‘Anonymous’ Twitter Accounts

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to gather the world’s musicians and singers en masse to belt out a monumental ‘fair play’ to the BBC’s Mark Daly for making a point that we all apparently needed inflicting upon us.

Clearly the anonymous nature of the avatar is of huge significance in these matters. If anyone has the temerity to preface their argument in such a fashion they – and their point – should Shirley be approached with caution. [*Shirley has not formally endorsed this piece]

Let’s face it, you can’t be too careful. After all, the Barca-flavoured entity asking the question of Mr Daly might only have been a possessed Skeletor toy from the 1980s, which – having failed to conquer a plastic Castle Grayskull – has belatedly decided to take a ‘stand’ over something else.

Then again, it could simply be that a particularly vexatious cup of tea has called itself ‘Barca’ and has decided to ask an awkward question of the BBC’s finest. And when faced with that sort of questioning, who wouldn’t be wary of any points made by such a steaming cup?

Of course, there is also the ‘obvious’ possibility that a random pot plant has suddenly decided to

  • wield hitherto-unsuspected abilities
  • knock its owner unconscious
  • grab its phone
  • somehow find an accessible Twitter account on said phone

….and then outrageously elected to challenge a genuinely-respected investigative reporter for a time-wasting laugh.

You really cannot be too careful.

So fair play to Mark Daly for making his first comment in response to Barcabhoy about the anonymity of the questioner.

Signed,

T. Clumpany LOL GIRUY BBC 😉

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Kieran Tierney Is An Absolute Disgrace

Good Evening.

Word reaches Clumpany Towers of a troubling – if fictitious – post on a completely hypothetical Sevconian message board. 😉

Please don’t read this if you are of a nervous disposition.

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Kieran Tierney and the Mhanky Mob

Posted – 20:12 hrs on [insert any date in a bygone age]

Fuck me I am raging! It’s bad enough that the Tims got us demoted and are claiming their tainted titles are anything like our 54. It’s also outrageous that Liewell has bribed the SFA to make Tierney captain so he can make a few more quid to shovel into Desmond’s pockets when they sell him.

And it’s a disgrace that the Fenian press are bowing and scraping to the Co-op Dome by pretending Tierney is any good.

I can also imagine that when that fucking Sellick hotel opens, Glasgow fucking Council will build a monorail to it, and all the trains will have Tierney’s fucking grinning face on the side. State aid literally laughing in our faces.

I can’t believe our club is standing idly by in the face of this corruption. Who is this fucking Tierney? You’d think from all the hype he was a hero or something. The only hero he is like is Robin fucking Hood. A symbol of those who should know their place stealing from their betters. Fuck him and his club with their offside Lisbon goals.

However I didn’t even come on here to complain about any of that. But I am so fucking angry I couldn’t help myself. I actually came on here to complain about something else that Tierney has done. 

A mate of mine who knows a few of the unwashed tells me that Tierney had the chance to get a puppy but chose a kitten instead! Apparently a kitten wouldn’t need taking out and so was an easier option.

Fuck him! How disrespectful to our armed forces can you be? Especially at this time of year. How disgusting do you have to be to avoid displaying a puppy with pride?

Fuck the little cat. And fuck Tierney.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t just blame Tierney for this. This is really down to the club he plays for. They are always too embarrassed to display a puppy. Instead they make a conscience-saving donation to a dogs’ home every year.

They are fooling no one.

I bet they ban the players from watching Crufts every year and make them watch ‘Top Cat’ instead.

It’s disgusting. But rest assured fellow bears, I will be maintaining staunch standards. I’ve got a Pit Bull terrier puppy called ‘Dignity’ that I will be wearing with pride. And anyone who tries to tell me it’s inappropriate can get tae fuck.

It’s all about showing proper respect and making sure everyone else knows that they need to live up to our standards, isn’t it?

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If you think the above is ridiculous, try this… Celtic hit back over claims they photoshopped Kieran Tierney picture to remove his poppy

And for anyone on a crusade to be offended, I suggest you now read my previous blog… Oh No! Not A Poppy Blog…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Tribute To Sevco Fandom

B58C5686-24BA-4ECC-9A3E-91F345C6818C

Good Afternoon.

Many of you will have woken up today to the shocking realisation that you had been blocked by an outfit you had never heard of.

The Clumpany wishes you well during this difficult time and offers this little ditty to the tune of ‘We Are Family’ to help ease your discomfort. 😉

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We’re Gers* Family

We’re Gers* family
I got all my block lists with me
We’re Gers* family
Get stuffed every Timmy tweet!
We’re Gers* family
I got all my block lists with me
We’re Gers* family
Get stuffed every Timmy tweet!

Everyone can see what we’re doin’
Yeah we walked on by
And, and we cry now our club’s just a ruin
Li-quid-a-tion lie
All, all of the People around us they pray
“Can Rangers* get close?”
Just stick with our made-up records
We’re feeling rage over our new club woes

We’re Gers* family
I got all my block lists with me
We’re Gers* family
Get stuffed every Timmy tweet!
We’re Gers* family
I got all my block lists with me
We’re Gers* family
Get stuffed every Timmy tweet!

Fifty-five is fucked, no creditor luck
We get nae piece, of fitba’s delights,
Shite, shite hopes we don’t have much future
Another board loan’s in sight
Glee? No glee but we’re depressed
Here’s our dead club-denial rule
Complain ‘bout you and the things you do
We don’t do wrong, oh-no
Liquidation’s just for fools

We’re Gers* family
I got all my block lists with me
We’re Gers* family
Get stuffed every Timmy tweet!
We’re Gers* family
I got all my block lists with me
We’re Gers* family
Get stuffed every Timmy tweet!

We’re Gers* family
I got all my block lists with me
We’re Gers* family
Get stuffed every Timmy tweet!

>>>>>>

With apologies to Sister Sledge, here is the original…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Sevco Managerial Update

Pigeon
Sevco has received numerous applications

Club* Statement [*Because this isn’t about the bad stuff]

The club confirms that since the departure of Pedro Caixinha a number of seconds have passed, as have a few minutes, more than a couple of hours, and indeed some whole days.

The Earth has continued to orbit the Sun, and the Moon has also orbited the Earth. We’ve had days and nights. And nights and days. Jeremy Kyle has been on the TV, as has This Morning, and Bargain Hunt too. Oh, and let’s not forget the soaps. Have you seen the absolute state of them recently? Bring back Arthur Fowler and Ena Sharples, that’s what we say!

We’ve had a few cups of tea. A couple of times we also had some biscuits. Custard Creams they were. And they were very tasty! Although we did laugh when one of us went to get Custard Creams from the cupboard but accidentally came back with Rich Tea biscuits!

Absolute scenes.

Anyway, lots has been happening in terms of getting a new manager in. Lots of things. Too many to list. There will also be lots of activity next week as well. Too much to detail here. We wouldn’t wish to bore you.

By the way, we see there are some good films on at the cinema at the moment, and the weather’s been pretty decent for this time of year. We might go for a walk at some point soon. Perhaps pop into a nice pub for a drink afterwards. You can’t beat it! A couple of us are thinking of buying new cars so we might also visit a few showrooms and see what takes our fancy. Maybe have a round of golf too when we have finished.

It sounds great doesn’t it? Anyway, just to say that the club will consider all possible options available to it when it comes to a new manager. We might even think about a football manager this time.  We haven’t interviewed anybody yet, but we will take our time to ensure a decision is made. At some point.

Anyone fancy a Custard Cream?

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For further updates on these exciting non-developments, fellow Clumpaneers may also wish to read this: Rangers* Club Statement

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Things Are Buzzing At Sevco!

Murty
“You saw a bee this big? It must have been one of the smaller ones…”

Graeme Murty has got things buzzing, says Lee Wallace

By B. Keeper

Lee Wallace admits Graeme Murty has brought a buzz back to Rangers after installing hives at a newly-renamed Honey Park.

Murty was asked to “FFS sort this shambles out” upon his return to the first team fold last month as Pedro Caixinha paid the price for producing a team with all the organisation and effectiveness of a light blue-arsed fly.

The Under-20s boss has two wins from two and an egg cup-full of honey to his credit after threatening to put the beehives in the dressing room if his players “didn’t buck up their ideas quickly”.

Murty will continue to take drastic bee-related steps while the search for Caixinha’s replacement is ongoing at Ibrox.

Wallace said: “F*ck me! Bees! Get them off me. No, I won’t stand still. Little bastards!

“Yes, as Jim wrote in these carefully-prepared ‘spontaneous remarks’, the players have got a good feeling in and around the training ground. Especially when we can hide in a broom cupboard away from those bees. 

“We prepared well for the Hearts game. I’ve never seen the lads run as much or as fast as they did when Murts put those beehives on the pitch. Kenny Miller was moving so quickly you wouldn’t have thought he was a day over seventy.

“And when the gaffer threatened to bring the bees in to do the the half-time team talk, there was no way the lads wouldn’t put on a good performance. They’ve heard what bees are like. No one wants a tea cup thrown at them by a swarm of bees.

“It says here that it’s hugely enjoyable to work under Murty. And it is. When he’s not walking around in a beekeeper outfit waving his arms and shouting at the bees to ‘encourage’ the players. Poor Wes in goals is having a nightmare trying to catch balls with 100,000 bees trying to sting him. But as I’ve been asked to say, Murts: what a guy! 

“I could go out on the training pitch occasionally to see how the players are coping. But f*ck that! I’m staying at a safe distance while I am out injured.

“There has always been a dialogue there between us. And jars of honey. Murts and I do love some honey with a world class breakfast. But I’d rather have the normal honey which is made in a factory than have millions of bees about the place producing novelty stuff that probably doesn’t even taste like honey. 

“But now he is back in charge I think everybody is trying to pretend they are enjoying it rather than have to explain themselves to Murty’s Angry Swarm. Obviously, everyone here always says that ‘we welcome the chase’. But bloody hell, not if it’s being chased by a swarm of bees!

“It says on my not-really-a-script here that ‘everybody is buzzing’. Too right. The whole f*cking place is buzzing. Aaaargh! Get off! Get off me….”

Lee Wallace then broke off the interview to flee for his life.

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And in completely unconnected news…

Graeme Murty has brought a buzz back to Rangers, says captain Lee Wallace

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Those RIFC Accounts In Full

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been ‘handed’ a copy of a completely fictitious briefing sheet. This briefing could hypothetically have been given to the mainstream media to use when Sevco recently published the accounts of the holding company of the holding company which owns the ethereal club, which isn’t actually capable of being owned and has no real-world existence (except for narrowly-defined ‘good stuff’.) Or something.

My advice is simply to say “wibble” and you will be on the same page as The Clumpany at all times…

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Key points to make

  • I am sure we can all agree that these are accounts. Published ones. And we should applaud Rangers for being so committed to doing the things required by law.
  • They are remarkable accounts, especially in terms of their account-like qualities. Future generations will look at them and say “those were accounts”. I think this is therefore a moment to savour.
  • The accounts show that money has been brought in. And spent. Let’s focus on the fact that the truly wonderful board has been ‘investing’ lots of money to take this club* back to where it belongs.
  • All we need to know is that money is being spent and it’s all covered by the board.
  • Loans are good. ‘Sustainability’ is the middle name of each and every member of this board.
  • I can’t comment on whether any of the board actually has the name ‘Sustainability’. That’s trivia. The board is engaged in matters of substance to get Rangers* back* to the top.
  • I’ve been amazed by the accounts, year after year.
  • Anyone who isn’t amazed clearly has an agenda. An agenda not to be as amazed as they should be.
  • Regime change was a serious matter. It changed a regime. [Say something – no matter how spurious – about the Armed Forces. In the eyes of your easily-swayed colleagues and audience, this will reinforce the point you are asserting].
  • The board changed the regime. And they did so in a regime-changing way. They saw a regime that needed changing and they changed that regime in a widely-recognised regime-changing way. In terms of a purely regime-changing initiative, there can be no doubt that it was truly regime-changing.
  • “Loans” is a great word. It is very soothing in fact, especially if you can just take a look at a pocket watch swinging before you. I am absolutely certain that if you keep looking at that watch swinging back and forth, back and forth, back and forth… you will find that you are feeling VERY sleepy. You will also feel a profound sense of confidence that these accounts are brilliant and the loans are nothing to worry about… You are SO sleepy…

If pressed:

  • Historic history.
  • Successful clubness.
  • Top South African-based business man.
  • Real Rangers* men.
  • Confident about a future that is so bright that I recommend buying concrete-reinforced sunglasses.

If desperate:

  • Jim! Jim! Make it stop. 😉

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Thankfully, the above is entirely fictitious and bears no relationship whatsoever to reality.

Phew!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…