Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Carlos Peña: Total Genius

Good Evening.

Long-suffering readers will be aware that The Clumpany is always delighted to encounter earnest upwardly-mobile Scottish football pundits.

No pearl of wisdom which they impart is EVER less than metaphor-mixing music to my ears. And so it was today that they managed to put me straight on a number of highly important matters when I least expected it…

There I was savouring a particularly enjoyable cup of early-morning coffee when one of them popped up to tell me that Carlos Peña had played an important – if imperceptible – role in its preparation.

Refreshed, I then took a stroll around the extensive parklands surrounding Clumpany Towers. Whereupon a pundit popped up to tell me that their beauty was down to Carlos Peña’s ability with a hedge trimmer, a lawnmower and a well-deployed pile of manure.

After my morning constitutional, I read the Sunday Mail and unsurprisingly got a bit of a headache. So I took some paracetamol. And just as I swallowed them, another of the wannabe pundits popped up and said “you see that medical science? That’s Carlos Peña, that is. An unsung pharmaceutical genius!”.

Later, I popped out for a pint. There was a new guest beer on at my local so I gave it a try. I must admit that it was quite nice. And just as I was about to order another pint, one of those pundits popped up again and informed me that Carlos Peña was behind the micro-brewery that produced it! Who knew?!

After visiting the pub toilets – where a pundit informed me that Carlos Peña had performed miracles with the plumbing following the shower of shite left by the Scottish sports desks on a previous visit – I went back to Clumpany Towers and enjoyed a bacon sandwich.

To my astonishment it turned out that the tasty snack was completely made from ingredients sourced from Carlos Peña’s hitherto-unknown farm. Those pundits really are a fountain of knowledge!

I then watched some sport in The Clumpany Towers multimedia complex. Flicking through the channels, I was astonished to be informed by pundits (who somehow arrived in contravention of Clumpany security protocols) that Carlos Peña was having a great game in the netball, football, golf, tennis and NFL all at the same time!

What a guy!

Carlos Peña really does have hidden talents. Let us all take a moment – and possibly a subscription – to salute his multiple skills!

Now, if only Carlos Peña could mix a decent Buckie and Bleach cocktail…

What’s that you say, pundits? Carlos Peña has a well-equipped alcohol-production facility at a monastery? AND a chemical plant?


What a time to be alive!

Cheers Carlos! And thank you to all the pundits who keep the Peña flame burning. Without you, we really would think that he is utterly shite.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun.

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Viva Ped Vegas!


Good Evening.

So the beleaguered Pedro, facing unrest in his squad, says that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Is that right Pedro…?


Viva Ped Vegas!

Shite! Fight! Pishy! Gonna find that mole
Gonna call that mole a liar
Had almost no money, it’s totally burned,
To get those Gers* up higher
There’s a thousand petty squabbles flamin’ out there
And for all Kenny Miller may care
Ped’s still the gaffer, he’s no love to spare
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!

How they wish that they had more
Than a measly few wins in the League
‘Cause unless Sevco learn how to score
It can only mean big Bampot glee
Oh, there’s Pena and Alves and the caravan
A barking dog, points lost at ev’ry turn
All it needs is team-peace,  Kenny not to squeal
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!

Viva Ped Vegas with your PR flashin’
And ex-Qatari man bashing’
All those boasts down the drain
Viva Ped Vegas turnin’ games into shite-time
Training light, Pena waistline
If Ped stays employed
Kenny’s gone and played his last game!

Ped’s gonna keep up his run
We’re gonna have so much of fun
If it costs the last Ibrox thin dime
If they wind up broke-up well
We’ll aways remember Ped had an “imposter’s” time
Ped’s gonna give it ev’rything he’s got
Fitba Gods give him another shot
Let him shout at Kenny. Give him the chop!
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!
Viva viva Ped Vegas!


With apologies to Doc Pomus, Mort Schuman and Elvis Presley…


NB All we are saying is Give Ped A Chance…

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Scott Brown Does Nothing Wrong

Good Evening.

You may have missed this article in an imaginary newspaper yesterday…


Scott Brown Never Touched That Caravan

Alfredo Morelos went down after no Scott Brown-related incident, and the Hoops skipper will quite reasonably face no disciplinary action.

By A. Realist

Celtic skipper Scott Brown will face no action because nothing happened at Ibrox.

Ibrox boss Pedro Caixinha was left seething for no apparent reason, however he accused Brown of aiming an elbow at his player. Or was it an arse? Pedro doesn’t know one from the other.

The pair even ended up nose-to-nose as the teams made their way down the tunnel at half-time and Brown was heard to say, “if you don’t have a team talk to give, do you mind fetching me another pair of slippers for the second half? And maybe the paper to read? And say hi to Kenny Miller for me if you are still speaking”.

Nothing untoward happened seconds before the interval as Brown played football in the general vicinity of Morelos.

In a shock development, referee Craig Thomson did not blow for a foul because there was clearly no foul to penalise. And as a direct consequence of nothing happening, Scottish Football Association compliance officer Tony McGlennan has decided that nothing happened and he has gone for an early lunch to watch Bargain Hunt on the canteen TV.

Celtic striker Leigh Griffiths is also in the clear after doing nothing that could possibly leave him in any state other than in the clear. Gers* fans had wanted him taken to task for some random thing they thought they could pretend to take offence at.

The decision not to sanction Brown for doing nothing will inexplicably anger Caixinha, who warned the Celtic captain he would have sorted him out like an untidy caravan had he been on the pitch.

“I was angry at half-time, did you see it?” asked Pedro after the defeat which has seen his team slip further into the mire of failure.

“It’s the second time it happened. It was the same in April. I saw Brown’s elbows. This is not good for my players, but more importantly imaginary swinging elbows make a mess inside an imaginary caravan. I told the fourth official as well as the Caravan and Camping Club – but they let it go.

“Scott Brown was coming off and I told him, ‘You mess up that caravan, but if I was on the pitch you wouldn’t. The cushions would be straight, the washing up would have been done, a small lamp would have been switched on and some soothing music would have been playing’.

“I wouldn’t have allowed him to put his recyclable bottle of water in the wrong bin. If someone does something which may cause dogs to bark at the caravan I have to defend my caravan, my bins and the pleasant ambience of surprisingly-inexpensive mobile accommodation.

“If they don’t think it’s an outrage worthy of punishment it’s their decision. I need to respect while making plans to tidy the caravan.

“If I was in the caravan and I had to see Brown or other people like him causing untidiness with their elbows it would be a different thing. It was a shame that I couldn’t be in the caravan because I know the desire for order and caravan cleanliness I have.”

However, former English top-flight referee and suspected caravan enthusiast Dermot Gallagher played down the non-incident on the basis that absolutely nothing happened. Caravan-based or otherwise.

He told Sky Sports News: “I don’t know what’s upsetting Pedro, but there’s definitely nothing occurring in the film of the non-incident. Zero, zilch, nothing.

“I’ve seen caravans. Big things they are. They could do some real damage on a football pitch. There was no caravan there. Or camper van. Or tent. Not even an AGM gazebo. And you can’t miss a gazebo. Lovely animals. They are not keen on lions though. OOFT! I’ve seen them on wildlife documentaries. You get a lioness and a gazebo and there’s only one winner. And it’s not Dave King’s annual effort to secure the disapplication of preemption rights.”

And former Rangers* striker Steven Thompson claims Caixinha should be more concerned with the things that aren’t happening with his own side.

“I was bit embarrassed for Pedro Caixinha if I’m being honest,” the pundit told BBC Scotland’s ‘BarelyAnyFootballScenes’ programme. “He was trying to create a caravan kerfuffle, but he should be concentrating on nothing happening in defence, midfield, attack or in terms of credible tifos

“There was nothing in it. Scott Brown certainly didn’t ransack an imaginary caravan.”


And if you think the above is ridiculous… 😉

Celtic skipper Scott Brown won’t face SFA action over alleged elbow on Alfredo Morelos


Further caravan shenanigans can be found here:

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

The True Story Of Pedro’s Caravan

Media, Scottish Football

Show Meetings The Red Card

A1Did this actually happen?

Good Evening.

Show Racism The Red Card (SRtRC) Scotland had a meeting with Phil Mac Giolla Bhain recently.

In fact you might have seen a statement about them meeting Phil to discuss “anti-Irish racism as well as the historical context.”

You might also have noted their comment that “during the meeting, a number of issues were discussed.” For example “Both Nicola and Phil spoke about Marriage Equality, LGBTQI Rights, Women’s Rights, Anti-Irish Racism, Poverty Inequality and a sense to address injustice.”

I must admit that I almost missed the statement because it didn’t exactly stand out from the torrent of statements SRtRC Scotland routinely issue about the people they meet.

SRtRC clarity on meeting with Phil MacGiollaBhain

The SRtRC Scotland Campaigns Manager seemingly spoke to Phil Mac Giolla Bhain on Saturday afternoon. The call resulted in them agreeing to meet.

Phil, of course, has written extensively about anti-Irish racism, and has called it out forcefully whenever he has seen it. As you may know, some don’t like the manner in which he has done this in response to such delightful ditties as The Famine Song and The Billy Boys, while others applaud. However, Phil is absolutely clear about his view and has been consistent in expressing it.

In short, it is not exactly a state secret.

Presumably Show Racism The Red Card Scotland didn’t think they were meeting an international man of mystery about whom they knew nothing when they agreed to convene earlier this week? Nor did they completely take leave of their senses, or set up the meeting as an elaborate practical joke?

It therefore seems reasonable to assume that they felt there was some merit in having a conversation with the Minority Reporter.

From a rational perspective this all seems like pretty anodyne stuff doesn’t it? “Campaign group meets person with relevant knowledge and experience to discuss an issue of mutual interest”.

Big deal, eh?

Well apparently it was! Because SRtRC Scotland seemingly felt the need to publicly justify having the meeting, because some folk don’t think Phil is fit and proper and are quite prepared to make a lot of angry noise about it! For some reason, his knowledge, opinion and views are considered by these people to be toxic and the sort of thing that SRtRC Scotland really should avoid.

You have to admit, defensively explaining yourself to the public like this is a bold stance for SRtRC to take.

Still, at least the meeting happened, and hopefully some good will come of it.

Wait, what’s that you say?

SRtRC has deleted the Tweet wherein they mentioned the “excellent session” with Phil and showed everyone’s favourite Ireland-based internet blogger quite literally showing racism the red card?

Sadly the deletion of the SRtRCScotland Tweet has robbed Keith’s Tweet of the sort of entertainment value we know and love!

Oh well then…

Perhaps the meeting didn’t happen at all and was simply a figment of our imagination?

Hopefully it isn’t the case that  SRtRC Scotland are embarrassed by one or more of

  • the meeting
  • the issues discussed; or
  • the person with whom they willingly discussed them.

And hopefully they aren’t seeking to limit the number of people complaining to them.

Whatever the case, distancing yourself from a meeting into which you freely entered to discuss a difficult issue which shames Scotland and which routinely causes considerable angst really isn’t a good look.

In my humble opinion.



Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Colombian Red Cards

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is delighted to be able to offer an unique deal to discerning diners.

For the exclusive introductory price of a few magic beans, purchasers can obtain a strictly limited edition dinner service.

This dinner service is no ordinary collection of crockery! Indeed it is considerably smaller than its traditional counterparts.

In fact, it consists of only three plates.

However, the three plates are sure to provide joy to anyone who encounters them.

So, without further ado, here they are.

SRtRC responds to Morelos article in the Daily Record

Show under the radar racism the red card

SRtRC responds to Daily Record article ahead of Rangers FC and Celtic FC meeting

Yes, that’s right folks! For the small price of going out on a limb that might embarrass most people you can purchase the three plates upon which Keith Jackson has had his arse handed to him in recent days.

For any potential purchasers doubting the provenance of this magnificent trio, The Clumpany wishes to cite the following two articles as security.

Alfredo Morelos can be Rangers hero against Celtic but needs to keep the head or he could see red

When Rangers and Celtic clash we’re all guilty of turning our backs on hate and poison to revel in chaos of derby day

All purchases come with a complimentary critique of the Daily Record which simply says “There’s your dinner”.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of (satirical) fun…

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Please Swallow The Lie!

Good Evening.

One of the less-celebrated facets of Scottish football is its rare capacity to allow us to savour a cliche transformed into reality.

We all laugh at BBC Scotland for being the sort of organisation that might have EBT recipients offering supposedly-worthwhile punditry. And we guffaw at them for doing so without a word of context about how their insights were obtained via a tax-avoiding scheme. A scheme that was trashed by the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom which ruled that the public purse had been left bereft of a lot of due funds.

What’s more, we piss ourselves at Clyde for being the sort of station that might possibly employ a relentless cheerleader of all things Ibrox such as Derek Johnstone. And for possibly doing so without worrying that the entire population of the Universe blessed with the ability to hear might one day accuse them of being a joke outfit.

And we also guffaw at the Scottish printed press for collectively being the sort of outlets that could conceivably regurgitate any old Ibrox-sympathetic crap in the name of selling papers

However we know that those things are ultimately untrue and that we have no reasonable choice other than to reflect that we are being paranoid.

We naturally assume that our suspicion of a Scottish sports media willing to allow a grievous assault on both facts and our intelligence is nothing more than a ridiculous fantasy.

This is – no doubt – a view that is shared by the sports desks of Scotland.

Nevertheless, once in a while we see something like the Sevco PR operation shouting down a journalist in a press conference and insisting that the ‘club’ Rangers wasn’t liquidated in 2012.

Jim Traynor stretches our credulity [Link via @gibbygibbo1]

And at that point you really can’t help but wonder whether you and and the entire national sport of Scotland are having the piss taken out of you on a grand scale.

I am sure the Scottish mainstream media will be along shortly to challenge Jim Traynor’s assertions rather than risk sentient humanity wondering whether our cliched expectations of spinelessness were actually correct.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Hibernian, Satire, Scottish Football

Hibernian’s Unfortunate Laundry Bill

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just received a completely fictitious note from Hibernian Football Club which certainly wasn’t written about the time that they put out this yellow-bellied statement…

Hibernian Try The Patience Of Some Very Decent Fans


Dear Leith Launderama

Please find attached a sealed bag.

For the avoidance of doubt you should note that this has been specially delivered by a team of operatives wearing a staunch light blue hazmat suits adorned with the crest of the Scottish Football Association.

The contents of the bag require your urgent attention and dramatic intervention. Please deal with them as best you can so that we can hopefully present a vaguely credible image to the rest of the world at some point in the future.

It should be noted that your services are being procured on the basis of a strict non-disclosure agreement. Acceptance of our payment means that you will not under any circumstances disclose our very dirty secret…

The attached bag contains a pair of dramatically and spinelessly shat pants.

Please be aware that these pants do not contain any old shit. These festering malodorous undergarments contain the irrevocable stain and immovable solid residue of a truly epic trouser-soiling.

Sadly, Hibernian Football Club has absolutely lost control of its bowels in the face of the SFA being asked to participate in an independent review of the events which have affected Scottish football in recent years. Apparently the proposed review might look into the actions of key decision makers and seek to provide guidance on how the national sport should be governed in the future.

Although this might appear a reasonable request to some people, Hibernian Football Club has found itself subject to colossal and severely damaging pant-shitting. As such we must distance ourselves from this reckless bowel-challenging request for transparency.

Hibernian Football Club wishes Scottish football well and aims to play a full part in delivering its future success. However, it hopes that this success can ultimately be achieved via the medium of unsoiled trousers.

But for the avoidance of doubt, Rod Petrie not becoming SFA President will be a price too high… 😉



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…