Clumpany Matters, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Independent Review Of The Clumpany


To whom it may concern.

As you are aware, The Clumpany has received correspondence from a representative body and someone else (who I won’t mention *cough cough*) asking for my input into a review of Clumpany governance and other activities.

The suggestion made by this correspondence is that

  • The Clumpany is shit,
  • its Clumping has been substandard for some time; and that
  • following various developments in the wider world of football satire and commentary, it is time to take a long hard look at all things to do with The Clumposphere.

The proposed review would be undertaken with a view to improving the quality of Clumping in the Scottish footballing ether.

The Clumpany has carefully considered this request, and has had an extremely vigorous debate with itself, considering all aspects of its responsibilities such as pouring Buckie, adding bleach, and drinking it.

The conclusion of these serious deliberations is that The Clumpany will not participate in any review of The Clumpany. Such an exercise would simply rake over the coals of an imaginary coal-and-rake scenario, and if that isn’t an argument for inaction The Clumpany doesn’t know what is.

The Clumpany would also like to point out that the quality of its Clumping has been absolutely Clumptastic according to my stringent systems of self-regulation and self-regard.

In fact it has been Clump, Clump, Clumpity-Clump Clumptastic!

However, The Clumpany has not been complacent about the criticism to which it has been subjected. The Clumpany sets the highest standards for itself, although there is no need for it to articulate those standards. And if they can somehow be portrayed as reflecting the standards expected by others, that’s lovely.

The Clumpany has recently made numerous changes to its processes and quality management and The Clumpany is happy to assert that they address all the issues which have been raised about it.

Frankly, that’s all you really need to know.

However, in the interests of the sort of transparency for which The Clumpany is rightly legendary, The Clumpany will set out the improvements it has made:

  1. The Clumpany has graciously noted the existence of its critics.
  2. The Clumpany has written this statement responding to the concerns which have been raised.
  3. The Clumpany has used words such as ‘transparency’ and ‘quality’.
  4. The Clumpany is assuring you that The Clumpany knows best and will therefore correctly not be a party to any exercise which might suggest otherwise.
  5. The Clumpany expects you to accept points 1-4.

The Clumpany trusts that this will be the end of the matter. However, The Clumpany is happy to restate its position to anyone who won’t rip it to shreds as being a pile of crap which only compounds blindingly obviously problems.


Clumpany Matters, Satire

Sale Of The Century

“It’s the Pish of the Week”

Good Evening.

My pal Alan called me earlier today. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. He was in absolute hysterics  about a conversation he had witnessed in the pub.

A group of friends were talking to a smartly-dressed man. The fellow – who apparently has a string of criminal convictions – told them about “a really good deal he’d got for some old sports gear – football tops and the like.” He said that although the goods weren’t this season’s latest trend, “they were still worth having, and the lads would be doing a good cause a really big favour if they bought them.”

Apparently a bystander at the bar asked the man just how fantastic the deal actually was, and to what extent the ‘good cause’ was going to benefit. He was immediately shouted down by the group of friends. 

He then tried to ask if this sports gear was the stuff he’d heard had been gathering dust in the warehouse of an entrepreneur, who was determined to make money on it, come what may.

The bystander was then called all sorts of names, and so he went back to his pint.

The smart-suited gentleman reassured the fans that this was the greatest deal of all time, but he couldn’t go into the details of it, and he was depending on them to do their duty in supporting a good cause.

Alan – struggling to speak as he guffawed – continued “It was unbelievable. The friends gave him a standing ovation! Some of them were even crying! The local paper was there taking photos for f*ck’s sake! And then they all rushed down the street to buy this stuff without even finishing their drinks, followed by the journalist who was shouting ‘make sure there’s a top left for me’ at them.

“I’ve never seen the like! Grown adults with a hive-like mentality going to buy stuff on the say-so of a convicted criminal without the details of quite how much of a good deal they are getting, or about how much the ‘good cause’ will actually make. They just took his word for it and off they went! 

“I bet the entrepreneur with his warehouse full of dust-covered sports goods can’t believe his luck! He must be thinking ‘kerching, kerching, ker-f*cking-ching’ as he watches the cash roll in!

“You couldn’t make it up! If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it possible. What an absolute joke!”

I know how Alan feels…


Clumpany Matters, Satire, Scottish Football

Charles Green’s Lost Property

Charles Green

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany was out and about this morning when it happened to stumble across something unusual.

We are all used to seeing litter in the street, and occasionally we might find some coins (or a “transfer budget” as it’s known at Ibrox). We might even have the misfortune to tread in something unpleasant (there is nothing worse than a damp discarded copy of the Evening Shark-Jump in the gutter, except perhaps a fresh new copy of the Evening Shark-Jump on a newsstand). However, I managed to come across something which I REALLY didn’t expect to see.

It was a Scottish Premier Division title!

There I was minding my own business on the street when suddenly a gust of wind caused it to arrive at my ethereal feet.

Fancy that!

Naturally, I glanced around to see if anyone had dropped it, but there was no one nearby. So I picked it up and had a good look. I quickly realised that this was no ordinary title. It was the 1996-7 ‘Nine-in-a-row’ title acquired by Rangers under the guidance of the legnedary Cardigan, which was the subject of a truly embarrassing drool-a-thon in Glasgow’s ‘premier’ evening paper last week.

I wondered what on earth it was doing drifting around the streets. And following a quick glance at Twitter – where the excellent @mintys_lamb had been doing what he does best – I quickly realised the truth.

Having bought Rangers’ history and titles following the creditors’ rejection of the CVA in 2012, Charles Green must have dropped the 1996-7 title as he rushed back to Ibrox!

What a blunder! Still, it’s easily done when you are carrying such a lot of baggage with you. I guess it was fortunate that he also wasn’t carrying Rangers’ debts with him otherwise there could have been a major, traffic-stopping spillage.

Anyway, having come into possession of the 1996-7 title, The Clumpany is wondering what to with it. If Mr Green’s creation Sevco believe it to be theirs, then they are welcome to pop round to Clumpany Towers. I’ll hand it over in return for seeing definitive proof of ownership.

Otherwise, I plan to celebrate my title with an open-top bus parade next week. I hope I can count on you lining the streets to cheer me on and commiserate with the late Rangers Football Club on only winning Eight-in-a-row.






Clumpany Matters, Media

The Evening Times: An Apology

Good Morning.

Having been in correspondence with the above-mentioned newspaper, The Clumpany is happy to make the following remarks.

Over the past two years, this blog has been very critical of the Evening Times newspaper via a combination of analysis, satire and vitriol.

The Clumpany accepts that these pieces have been lacking in balance, and have impugned the good reputation of the newspaper and its staff.

The Clumpany accepts that the Evening Times provides coverage of a number of senior football clubs, and aims to offer readers a variety of insights into the thinking and experiences of current and former players and managers, as well as traditional match reports and technical analysis. This coverage is valued by readers for being provided without fear or favour.

The Clumpany further accepts that the newpaper and its staff should be able to go about their work without repeated criticism and mocking. 

The Clumpany also understands that such adverse commentary can have an effect on those receiving it, and apologises unreservedly for any upset caused.

Finally, The Clumpany notes that its substantial follower base on social media gives it a platform from which it can prompt a reaction from large numbers of people. The Clumpany accepts that such a substantial online profile brings with it significant responsibility. The Clumpany will bear this responsibility in mind it all its future activities.

Thank you for reading.


Clumpany Matters, Media, Satire

Phwoar! Clumpany Legs-It In Revealing Outfit


Good Evening.

Not coming to the Daily Mail any time soon…


Phwoar! Clumpany Legs-It In Revealing Outfit

The ethereal entity wowed onlookers with a near-naked display while engaging in some retail therapy last night.

By A. Sensationalist-Hack

Onlookers gaped in astonishment at The Clumpany’s revealing choice of outfit last night as it stepped out to buy a case of Buckie. The popular internet character is known for having a keen sense of style, particularly its always-immaculate pinstriped blazer, and occasional effortless wearing of a hat.

The Clumpany has been widely praised for popularising the sombrero. Especially in Mexico.

The nation’s favourite ethereal entity – which has been linked with a possible spell in the “I’m a Celebrity…” jungle – is rumoured to be planning a range of cutting-edge home furnishings. The ‘uncomfortable red chair’  has been seen on The Clumpany’s website for some time now, and top retailers are expected to become involved in a multi-million pound war to satisfy an insatiable public demand for it.

But it was The Clumpany’s risqué choice of trousers which caused heads to turn last night as it hit the shops wearing skimpy above-the-knee shorts!

“Phwoar!” said one onlooker! “I’ve seen some legs in my time. Mostly in your attempted newspaper, but those were something else!”

Celebrity pals have recently expressed their support for The Clumpany, which had suffered heartbreak over something or another, and which has lost weight on the current ‘fad’ diet (see pages 8, 9, 10, 16 and 25 for more details, and your voucher for a FREE feel-good placebo!).

However, the bold unveiling of its shapely legs is the surest sign yet that The Clumpany has put its troubles behind it, and is ready to make a splash on the celebrity circuit once again!

“You should have seen the way The Clumpany swaggered into the off licence” said another witness to the eye-popping events. “Those legs were amazing and it knew it! Passers-by swooned and asked for selfies with the luxurious limbs. I wouldn’t be surprised to see them making a guest appearance on Geordie Shore or Question Time in the near future.”

Upon learning of The Clumpany’s drool-inducing legs, Nigel Farage told this newspaper “They will be even better once the evil yoke of Brussels regulation has been peeled off them like a particularly painful wax strip. The British people demand both Brexit and Clumpany Legs-It, and they demand them now.”

The Mail understands that The Clumpany writes a blog about Scottish football or something. But who is interested in that when there are legs to ogle?





Clumpany Matters

The Westminster Attack

Good Evening.

Some people were killed and injured in one of the world’s most high profile locations today.

Some people were killed and injured in close proximity to the UK Parliament, in the nation’s capital.

Or, to focus on the irreducible core of the matter, free of geographical considerations… some people were killed and injured.

Someone’s parent, brother, sister, friend or child was killed or injured.

Yes, people die and are injured all over the world all of the time. Often in greater numbers and truly appalling circumstances. 

The Clumpany gets that. I REALLY do get it. 

Hopefully, no matter what your nationality, race, or religion, and no matter whether you are a unionist, nationalist, opportunist, point-scorer, zoomer or outright roaster, at least one of the above points will have registered with your basic humanity. 

Because if you want to use this appalling incident to

  • Make blanket assertions about particular religions and races and thereby whip up hate.
  • Suggest in some way that the UK/ London ‘had it coming’ for any reason
  • Share gratuitous pictures of people suffering.
  • Engage in conspiracy theories about ‘Westminster’ trying to deflect from the Holyrood s30 vote.
  • Affect faux outrage about the Scottish Parliament not being suspended quickly enough. [NB this is different to having an opinion on the matter]
  • Affect faux outrage about it being suspended at all. [NB again, this is different to having an opinion on the matter]
  • Say crass attention-seeking things because this is a great opportunity to turn your usual output all the way up to 11.

…then I suggest you take a good look at yourself in the mirror.

And then take another look.

Some good people lost their lives or had them utterly changed today. Other good people will have been traumatised after simply turning up for work, or paying a visit to one of the world’s great cities. 

It is horrible. So please don’t play games with it. Even if you couldn’t give two hoots about London or the family of nations which makes up in U.K., please try and find it within yourself to show a bit of compassion and decency. Cheap, nasty point scoring on a day like today is an abomination.

We don’t know the whys and wherefores of this afternoon’s attack, and I for one am happy to await the outcome of investigation and due process. I expect those in authority to leave no stone unturned, and I hope that elected bodies and the press will hold them to account without fear or favour.

I hope you feel something similar.

The Clumpany’s thoughts are with everyone affected by today’s incident, and with others suffering around the world.

Thanks for reading.


Clumpany Matters, Media, Scottish Cup, Sevco

What Did You Get For Christmas?

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany hopes that you are all well and had a great Christmas.

Yesterday’s Boxing Day party at Clumpany Towers went off very well indeed. Sadly, we couldn’t tempt Car Park Man indoors no matter how many times we reassured him that all my copies of the Offshore Game report had been sealed up in a reinforced concrete bunker 100 feet below Clumpany Towers.

There certainly a lot of mulled wine consumed at the gathering. Or rather a lot of mulling and whining about the distance between Sevco and Celtic was rammed down my throat. Nevertheless, in between the complaints, it was interesting to hear what Christmas presents the assembled press pack had been given.

Everyone had received new mobile phones which only allow calls to and from Jim Traynor, and which come equipped with handcuffs so that the journalists can never be out of reach. What a thoughtful gift!

One chap had received a special “Bullshit Lies” edition of Scrabble. This has different quantities of each letter of the alphabet compared to ordinary Scrabble, and the winner is the person who plays the words “sameclub” and “oldfirm” the most.

Another journalist apparently had a blazing row with his other half after receiving classic board game ‘Monopoly’. He accused his partner of goading him about Celtic’s dominance and scribbled ‘Duopoly’ all over the box lid using his own blood!

I almost felt sorry for the chap who had received a 180g vinyl LP entitled “Family-Friendly Songs From The Ibrox Crowd”. He spent ages setting up the turntable, replacing the stylus and positioning the speakers for maximum impact only to find the record was completely blank!

But others were happier with their Christmas experience. One spoke very favourably of the turkey (or a ‘Rangers* Petrofac Glory’ DVD to give it its correct title), and one particularly staunch journo took it quite well when the joke he received in his cracker turned out to be a copy of Joey Barton’s Sevco contract.

However, the most heartwarming tale I heard was from the scribe who made the Queen’s Speech that little bit more special. Apparently they respectfully stuck a picture of Dave King’s face over Her Majesty’s, wore a Sevco scarf and drooled. 

Fair play to him, that’s top-drawer misguided and unquestioning loyalty.

I wonder how he managed to get a job on the Scottish sports desks?