To whom it may concern.
As you are aware, The Clumpany has received correspondence from a representative body and someone else (who I won’t mention *cough cough*) asking for my input into a review of Clumpany governance and other activities.
The suggestion made by this correspondence is that
- The Clumpany is shit,
- its Clumping has been substandard for some time; and that
- following various developments in the wider world of football satire and commentary, it is time to take a long hard look at all things to do with The Clumposphere.
The proposed review would be undertaken with a view to improving the quality of Clumping in the Scottish footballing ether.
The Clumpany has carefully considered this request, and has had an extremely vigorous debate with itself, considering all aspects of its responsibilities such as pouring Buckie, adding bleach, and drinking it.
The conclusion of these serious deliberations is that The Clumpany will not participate in any review of The Clumpany. Such an exercise would simply rake over the coals of an imaginary coal-and-rake scenario, and if that isn’t an argument for inaction The Clumpany doesn’t know what is.
The Clumpany would also like to point out that the quality of its Clumping has been absolutely Clumptastic according to my stringent systems of self-regulation and self-regard.
In fact it has been Clump, Clump, Clumpity-Clump Clumptastic!
However, The Clumpany has not been complacent about the criticism to which it has been subjected. The Clumpany sets the highest standards for itself, although there is no need for it to articulate those standards. And if they can somehow be portrayed as reflecting the standards expected by others, that’s lovely.
The Clumpany has recently made numerous changes to its processes and quality management and The Clumpany is happy to assert that they address all the issues which have been raised about it.
Frankly, that’s all you really need to know.
However, in the interests of the sort of transparency for which The Clumpany is rightly legendary, The Clumpany will set out the improvements it has made:
- The Clumpany has graciously noted the existence of its critics.
- The Clumpany has written this statement responding to the concerns which have been raised.
- The Clumpany has used words such as ‘transparency’ and ‘quality’.
- The Clumpany is assuring you that The Clumpany knows best and will therefore correctly not be a party to any exercise which might suggest otherwise.
- The Clumpany expects you to accept points 1-4.
The Clumpany trusts that this will be the end of the matter. However, The Clumpany is happy to restate its position to anyone who won’t rip it to shreds as being a pile of crap which only compounds blindingly obviously problems.