If I had a pound for every time Neymar fell to the ground during a game at the World Cup I would do the following with the proceeds…
Build a state-of-the-art lab somewhere on the outskirts of Glasgow. Perhaps on some derelict land that needs expensive remedial work to bring it back into use following decades of industrial use. For good measure I would landscape it nicely and create a wee park for local families to enjoy.
I would then employ top biologists and geneticists who would run a no-expense-spared breeding programme (Jurassic Park-style) to produce a flock of dodos.
But not just any dodos. These would be flying dodos.
I would fly them over to Russia on a private jet I had bought just for the occasion, wining and dining them throughout.
Next I would hire agents to break into President Putin’s residence and steal a selection of his shirts.
The shirts would be given to the world’s finest seamstresses who had also been flown in for the occasion and put up in top hotels.
The needle-wielding marvels would set to work to produce a long banner stitched together with 24 carat golden thread.
The banner would then be tied to the backsides of the dodos, who would then receive a motivational talk from a gathering of the world’s political and religious leaders*, who I had also jetted in and checked into various penthouse suites. [* Not you Trump]
Suitably energised, the dodos would take off, accompanied by a 400 gun salute (carefully aimed not to shoot down the birds.)
The dodos – who would be wearing special eye-catching commemorative diamond-encrusted scarves around their necks – would then fly in the direction of Brazil’s latest World Cup game and display the banner before the watching millions:
“For fuck’s sake, get up Neymar. You are taking the piss.”
THAT’S what I would do…
And I would still have some money left over to paint the Moon in green and white hoops as a salute to Scotland’s double treble winners.
NB Don’t forget to back England to win the World Cup…