Clumpany Matters, World Cup

If I Had A Pound…

Good Afternoon.

If I had a pound for every time Neymar fell to the ground during a game at the World Cup I would do the following with the proceeds…

Build a state-of-the-art lab somewhere on the outskirts of Glasgow. Perhaps on some derelict land that needs expensive remedial work to bring it back into use following decades of industrial use. For good measure I would landscape it nicely and create a wee park for local families to enjoy.

I would then employ top biologists and geneticists who would run a no-expense-spared breeding programme (Jurassic Park-style) to produce a flock of dodos.

But not just any dodos. These would be flying dodos.

I would fly them over to Russia on a private jet I had bought just for the occasion, wining and dining them throughout.

Next I would hire agents to break into President Putin’s residence and steal a selection of his shirts.

The shirts would be given to the world’s finest seamstresses who had also been flown in for the occasion and put up in top hotels.

The needle-wielding marvels would set to work to produce a long banner stitched together with 24 carat golden thread.

The banner would then be tied to the backsides of the dodos, who would then receive a motivational talk from a gathering of the world’s political and religious leaders*, who I had also jetted in and checked into various penthouse suites. [* Not you Trump]

Suitably energised, the dodos would take off, accompanied by a 400 gun salute (carefully aimed not to shoot down the birds.)

The dodos – who would be wearing special eye-catching commemorative diamond-encrusted scarves around their necks – would then fly in the direction of Brazil’s latest World Cup game and display the banner before the watching millions:

“For fuck’s sake, get up Neymar. You are taking the piss.”

THAT’S what I would do…

And I would still have some money left over to paint the Moon in green and white hoops as a salute to Scotland’s double treble winners.

NB Don’t forget to back England to win the World Cup…

Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

Genuine Savile Row Clothes

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to make it known that the jacket I am wearing is from Savile Row. It is a unique, high quality jacket, designed and made by one of the finest tailors in the world.

My jacket is extraordinarily classy. In fact it is so magnificent that the Savile Row emporium views it as the absolute pinnacle of their achievements and wants the whole world to see it. As such, they are paying me millions of pounds a year to wear it in the hope that their will be a tsunami of orders for replica jackets from amongst the Clumping millions.


I would also like to take this opportunity to quash the rumours that a well-known pound shop has been selling shite clipart and picture editing software which makes it easy for a down-at-heel ethereal entity to brand itself and present a pretty desperate image to the world.

My jacket is the only show in Fitba’s Sartorial Town, and anyone who suggests that it is actually widely-available generic attire that can be picked up quite cheaply is clearly a hater.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to my tailor. I am going for 55 jackets.


Meanwhile in other news… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, Clumpany Matters

Taking The Alternative View

Good Evening.

I have no personal interest in the compensation-related issue which has excited many a Celtic fan today. I don’t have any inside knowledge, and I am not writing this blog to order.

I am simply calling it as I see it, and if you think my view is a steaming pile of horseshit, I’m relaxed about it.

So here is something to ponder…

If folk read about a Sevco fan refusing to challenge the ‘club’ over an alleged health and safety issue out of ‘Loyalty’, they would roundly mock the apparent kowtowing to their ‘betters’ in the directors’ box.

They would laugh out loud at the very idea that someone might not seek redress for alleged injury and any subsequent impact on their lives. They would also scoff at the notion of not asking questions about match day safety because it might raise awkward issues for the ‘club’.

And in laughing at the Sevco fan they would probably feel very fortunate indeed to be part of a fan base that doesn’t show blind deference to people just because they wear a club tie.

We are blessed to have a country where resolution and redress can be sought through due process. What sort of place would it be to live in if people were shouted down – and worse – just because of who they wished to challenge?

I’ll tell you. It would be a really shite place to live.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the alleged ‘fan v Celtic’ issue which is getting so many people excited. Nor do I want to know. It is the business of the people involved. They owe people outside the scope of the dispute absolutely no information whatsoever, even if aspects of it play out in public via the courts. They are private citizens and they can deal with the issue as they see fit.

If you feel angry about their actions, that’s fine. But don’t abuse them for looking out for themselves when they feel that they have a problem to resolve. There isn’t a single person on this planet who won’t have prioritised their health and well-being above all other considerations at some point in their lives.

Instead of wishing them ill and hoping for the failure of the ventures which give them a livelihood, why not just simply decide not to buy anything from them in future? And why not unfollow them on social media?

I prefer to live and let live in these sort of matters rather than suddenly transform into the sort of Sevco fan that bewilders, appalls and amuses us on a regular basis.

But you must make your own choice


Celtic, Clumpany Matters

The ‘Celtic News Now’ Blog

Good Evening.

Yes I *know* this blog isn’t the place you come to for actual Celtic news (although some still seem shocked at discovering this fact!).

The above title refers to the excellent Celtic News Now app, which:

a) collates all manner of outstanding non-MSM articles and blogs in one place;

b) thereby gives many talented ‘non-professional’ writers a large Celtic-minded audience; and

c) takes pity on the tsunami of effluent pouring out of Clumpany Towers on a daily basis.

They also deliver Celtic team news and score notifications which include terms such as ‘get in’, as well as lots of exclamation marks. Let’s face it, you don’t get that from BBC Sport. Or the X-Factor app.

The Celtic News Now folk do a cracking, gap-in-the-market-filling job in their own time and I am very happy to draw your attention to the new version of the app which they have just released.

You can find it for Android here.

And for iOS here.

I understand that all Five-Star reviews you are able to give the app are very helpful in moving it up the relevant charts and in ensuing it’s visibility to the wisest possible audience.

So, in short, we have good folk, doing great Celtic (and Sevco!)-related work, who would love you to download their app and rate it highly.

I am grateful for their support over the last few years. I have downloaded the app and will be giving them the full five stars!

I hope you can do likewise!


Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

An Exciting Commercial Partnership

Good Evening.

Here is a statement from Clumpany Towers:


The Clumpany Announces A New Gaping Partnership

The Clumpany is absolutely delighted to announce a very special gaping partnership for the coming season.

The Clumpany said: “I am thrilled to welcome my new gaping partners to my portfolio. I don’t actually have a portfolio, but it is a great word to use, and so I am sticking with it”.

Gaping Bampots will become the official ‘gaping partner’ of The Clumpany, with plans to gape in wonder and laugh out loud at Sevco next season. An official Clumpany range of piss-takes will also be launched.

Gaping Bampots’ spokesman @FrPaulStone commented, “We’re delighted to announce our partnership with The Clumpany. This will facilitate more gaping with utter derision at Sevco. What’s more, it will help Bampots stay on the rewarding path to passing out from the realisation that many Sevco fans really do believe the shit that they are spoon fed via the media.

“And by the way, that money really was just resting in my account.”

With over 100 guffaw-worthy occurrences per week, many of which are not fully covered by the mainstream media, The Clumpany’s Gaping Partnership is committed to helping every Bampot to free themselves from the constraints of traditional newspapers and broadcast media.

@FrPaulStone continued: “Our aim is to help Bampots when making the switch from thinking ‘Sevco is a ridiculous and baselessly-arrogant enterprise’ to actually rolling around on the floor asking their personal deity to relieve them from the agonies of split sides.

“We provide advice to every Bampot who rocks up scarcely able to believe the absolute state of Sevco. Our network helps them to find the right outlets for their pants-pissing mirth. Whether that be Tweeting, blogging or calling up Clyde SSB.

“We know it can be a daunting journey becoming a fully-committed Bampot. However, as the Sevco-mocking specialists, we know that we can help.

“We pride ourselves on absolutely ripping the piss. With a huge variety of jibes to choose from, we can provide hilarity to suit each individual customer. The right quip is always at hand.

“Clumpany Gaping will will be fully accredited as ‘obsessed’ and will support Bampots old and new on their way to provoking a (lame-arsed) reaction from an online Sevco supporters.

“Rest assured, we have a wealth of liquidation -confirming information available at all times to help any Bampot looking to join this never-ending fun. Pop by Clumpany Towers to find out more.”


Meanwhile, in other news… 😉

Rangers and Vaporized Partnership


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Clumpany Matters, Satire

A Day Out In Glasgow

Good Evening.

As you can imagine, The Clumpany is too busy get out of the ethereal splendour of Clumpany Towers very often. However, yesterday was a BIG occasion that caused me to venture into Glasgow.

The occasion was a rare chance to meet up with my good pal Alan, who you will have read about in this blog from time to time. I hadn’t seen him in ages, but he was (for once) able to tell me when he planned to be in town. Naturally, I couldn’t turn this opportunity down.

So off I went to meet him, feeling quite excited and equipped with a flask of Buckie and Bleach. I say ‘flask’, but I actually mean ‘a milk churn on a trolley’. The key point to note is that it was very refreshing indeed.

Anyway, I arrived and started looking for him. I should explain that I searched cautiously because Alan is a bit of a trouble-maker. He had said that he was coming into town to join a march in support of an (allegedly) intimidating, religiously-intolerant and worryingly numerous minority that many people apparently feel threatened by.

I’m an open-minded sort of ethereal entity and so I wasn’t going to judge Alan over his somewhat vague account of the reasons for his presence, although I personally didn’t fancy getting involved in any community-baiting.

But could I find him? No I couldn’t. I searched everywhere, and had no joy whatsoever. I was pretty upset as I really wanted to catch-up with Alan. I double-checked the instructions he had given me, and had a further look round, but my efforts were all to no avail.

Eventually, some time later, I managed to get Alan on the phone.

“Alan! Where the hell are you?”, I asked. “I have looked all over for you. You said you would be at the big city centre event. You said I wouldn’t be able to miss it as it would be causing a big fuss. What’s going on Alan?”

Alan sounded quite irritated himself, “Oh hi TC”, he said, “I can’t understand how you missed me. I was definitely there. Have you gone blind? It’s not as if I am I invisible, is it?”

There was a long and awkward silence. I could have sworn that I saw tumbleweed out of the corner of my ethereal eye.

Then Alan continued: “I was there TC! Giving it large, and probably offending many people within a 20 mile radius.”

“I should have been able to find you Alan”, I said. “You said there would be a crowd. Where was the crowd Alan? And come to think of it, what were they supposed to be provoking people about?”

“It was the Glasgow St Patrick’s Day Parade TC” Alan explained. “But unfortunately no one else turned up. I can’t think why.”


Clumpany Matters, Satire, Scottish Football

Welcome To The Clumpany Bookshop!

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is proud to announce that it is opening a brand new bookshop. It will be the best bookshop in the world!

In it you will find all manner of exciting publications: all the classic works of fiction, modern novels, and a vast array of factual books. You name it, and I will probably have it.

This bookshop is going to crush all the opposition. Amazon will be Ama-GONE by the time I have finished with them!

And the really clever thing is that I have acquired all these world-beating assets for next-to-nothing! In fact, I don’t think it would be unfair to say that I have pulled off the mother of all business deals.

“But from where did you source all your high-quality stock, Comrade Clumpany?” I hear you ask? “What manner of beleaguered wholesaler did you haggle down to minimal prices?“.

Well, the truth of the matter is that I adopted an innovative approach to inexpensive stock-acquisition. No conventional suppliers or wholesalers were involved. Not did I steal the books.

I could have spent, say £1m – or even £2m – on books for my shop. But why would I do that when I could simply pop down to Brighton, visit all the public libraries, and loan a lot of books to put on the shelves of my world-bearing emporium instead?

What’s that you say? “If I want to have books on a permanent basis and be able to sell them on, I will actually have to part with some serious cash at some point?”

Pah! I know exactly what I am doing with my brilliant bit of business. You must be #obsessed. Why don’t you concentrate on your own bookshop instead?