Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

That SPFL Decision In Full…

Good Evening.

Top Clumpany analysts have been working non-stop to bring you the definitive take on the SPFL's statement and interview comments regarding their inability to revisit or set aside the Lord-Nimmo-Smith Commission, following the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Big Tax Case.

The SPFL's position on these matters is of fundamental importance in determining whether Scottish football is an actual sport, and in deciding whether everyone who paid into it from the turn of the millennium onwards was taken for a complete mug.

As such, I hope you will pay close attention to the following Clumpany analysis.

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A Clumpany Summary Of The SPFL's Position

Legal lawyer stuff.
Lawyer legal stuff.
Legal stuff lawyer.
Lawyer stuff legal.
Stuff lawyer legal.
Stuff legal lawyer.
Stuff you!

Lord Nimmo-Smith dealt with that.
And that.
That too.
And the other things as well.
Stuff.
And things.
He dealt with all the things and stuff.
What was the question?
Stuff you!

Can't reopen.
Matter closed.
A closed matter that can't be reopened.
It's all a non-reopen-able closed matter.
Line-drawn-undery stuff.
Look to the future at new stuff.
Stuff stuff stuff-ity stuff!
Stuff you!

Review what we did.
But we can't actually do anything.
Case closed.
We'll learn from the thing we closed.
Even though it's closed because we did things properly.
All above board.
We are bored bored board of this.
It's dry and boring stuff.
There's more important stuff than being seen to govern even-handedly.
Like other stuff.
And things.
And stuff and things and stuff.
Stuff you!

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You have to admit that is a compelling narrative which should put to bed the issues of Rangers' use of DOS, EBTs, and side letters. Along with all concerns about, spectacularly invalid player registrations and a Lord Nimmo-Smith Commission that was so defective you wouldn't even give it to your worst enemy as a Secret Santa present.

Although you might give it to Neil Doncaster to stuff somewhere. 😉

#KeepOnClumping
(And keep lobbying your clubs to show some backbone over this truly defining issue).

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun… 😉

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

The Shite Before Christmas…


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has bad news for children across the land.

Apparently everyone's favourite festive hero Santa Claus is introducing a new approach to his work this Christmas.

He won't accept childrens' Christmas wish lists this year because he considered lists previously. The fact that circumstances have changed, and that the children see their earlier lists as competently defective – if not utterly irrelevant – is unfortunately immaterial as far as he is concerned.

Santa has taken advice from a non-Lapland lawyer and he has to inform the youth of Scotland that he cannot reopen the issue of Christmas lists. Not that Santa views this as a problem. Indeed he believes that there is no appetite for him to consider Christmas lists this year, and he expects Scottish youngsters to move on to Easter.

Santa does however have a gargantuan appetite for your contribution to his work. He therefore requests that you leave an extra mince pie and a whole bottle of Buckie out for him this year. You don't need to bother with a carrot for Rudolph, though.

"Fuck Rudolph" said Santa. "As long as I'm having an easy life, I don't care about the welfare of anyone else or indeed the integrity of this whole 'Christmas' malarkey'."

Merry Christmas everybody.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

Media, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Awaiting Your Instructions


Good Afternoon.

One of the most preposterous things said in relation to calls for an investigation and possible title-stripping following the Supreme Court’s ruling on the Big Tax Case has been the following:

“Chris will helpfully bring us the latest”. 😉

Of course, I jest. It was actually “Grant! You’ll put everyone in the picture, won’t you?”. 😉

I jest once again.

It is actually the notion that the authorities will act if there is sufficient pressure from clubs/ fans for it.

Now, I am no expert in horsesh*t. But I know a steaming pile when I see one. Particularly if it has an army of (very smelly) squirrels climbing all over it.

It is truly astonishing that anyone could have sufficient contempt for common sense, sport and the intelligence of their audience to utter the words and expect anyone to take them seriously!

And it is even more outrageous that the footballing authorities are able to hide behind this crap rather than be relentlessly pursued for a coherent account of themselves and a commitment to take serious action.

But that is the situation in which we seem to find ourselves at present.

Surely the questions should always be “has wrong apparently been done? How can we test this? What sanctions can be applied if wrongdoing is proven?”

…rather than sitting there in glorious inaction until your hand is forced?

What is the point of rules, regulatory bodies and a supposedly inquisitive media if staring at your shoes until the paying customers make you do something is seen as a perfectly rational and acceptable approach?

I’ll tell you.

There is none.

Whatever next?

  • Referees only awarding legitimate goals if there is sufficient pressure for it? [Actually, let’s not give the SFA any ideas…]
  • Taxi drivers declining to take a passenger home, and just sitting on the rank with the engine running until thousands of the fare’s mates start shouting at them?
  • The police receiving reports of a murder (or ‘a Tweet’ depending on your preferred level of melodrama), and refusing to do anything until enough people phone insisting that they have to look into it?
  • Juries in criminal trials lounging around in the jury room drinking Buckie until the weight of popular opinion forces them to make a decision?
  • An invaded country only bothering to defend itself if enough folk email the authorities to take action?

The entire national sport of Scotland and those who follow it are being taken for mugs. 

You know that, I know that, and I suspect that everyone working at Hampden and in the sports media knows it too.

As a result, it is good to see the Scottish Football Supporters Association (whose survey I commend) doing their stuff, alongside the dynamic new Strip The Titles initiative, and the fans of many clubs [NB I have been particularly impressed by some of the Dons’ fans].

This is clearly the time to apply – and keep up – the pressure.

Inaction by the fans – and by the clubs they may have squandered millions following in a seemingly rigged game – merely endorses the authorities’ inertia. It does this because it leaves the authorities unquestioned and unchallenged. And it does so because it appears that the vast majority of the ‘heroic’ Scottish sports media simply cannot be trusted to do anything other than desperately try to avoid rocking the boat.

Shame on them.

And well done to everyone fighting for justice.  Keep it up!

Even if it means crowdfunding a judicial review.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Do take a few minutes to complete the Scottish Football Supporters’ Association survey, which you can find by clicking here.

Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco, SPFL

How Sevco Can Dominate Scottish Football


Good Evening.

As you might expect, The Clumpany greatly enjoyed yesterday’s 5-1 demolition of the artist pretending to be Rangers.

The Big Lie that Sevco are one and the same as Rangers is one of the great piss-takes of our time, and it is utterly wonderful to see the one thing that even the most wibble-minded liquidation-deniers can’t bluster away. Repeated defeats by Celtic, interspersed with systematic pumpings can only lead the hardcore of creditor-mockers to conclude that they really aren’t watching Rangers.

It is a thing of beauty.

Almost as beautiful, in fact, as Celtic’s performance under the leadership of Brendan Rodgers and The Immense Scott Brown!

I must also say a quick word about Leigh Griffiths, who really knuckled down to silence his critics after signing for Celtic, and played a huge part in delivering the 2015-16 title before finding himself often-sidelined this year. And yet despite this disappointment, Griffiths has stayed sufficiently focused to be able to deliver the kind of mangnificent goalscoring display we saw on Saturday, when given the chance.

Leigh Griffiths is a classy performer.

And then there was his celebration, which made you wonder whether he is a one-man Celtic screensaver machine…


Ooft!

However, all of the above is by way of introduction to the main point of this piece.

Ever the altruist, The Clumpany thought it should make a big effort to rally the Sevconian faithful in their hour of darkness. As such, I decided to seek some informed opinion on how their beloved ‘club’ can turn things around, overcome Celtic and [*cough*] ‘return’ to the top of Scottish football.

Here is what my specially-convened and highly-appropriate expert panel had to say in response to the question “what can Sevco/ Rangers* do to become the top club* in Scottish football?”.

Noted TV personality Sooty the glove puppet had nothing to say.

Rod Hull’s former partner, Emu had nothing to say.

The late Harpo Marx somehow made himself available for interview, but had nothing to say. 

The late Marcel Marceau also miraculously agreed to an interview, but had nothing to say. 

The late Buster Keaton also took some unlikely time out to impart a few home truths, but had nothing to say.

Marina from classic TV show Stingray had nothing to say.

Raymond Teller took time out from his magic shows with Penn Jillette to offer a comment, but had absolutely nothing to say.

Maggie Simpson may be no stranger to dummies, but sadly she had nothing to say either.

Finally, Godot didn’t arrive in time for the interview but we believe he would have had nothing to say.

I must admit that despite my best efforts it isn’t looking good for my plan to generate some well-founded optimism regarding Sevco’s future prospects. 

But hang on a minute! Whose is this shrill upbeat cry of hope that I hear?

Ah look!


It’s ‘Flipper’, the legendary TV dolphin!


What’s that Flipper? You want to offer your views on Sevco?


You think you know what’s wrong, Flipper?


You think they are totally f*cked, Flipper?


A prisoner of their appropriated history, misplaced superiority complex and addiction to waiting for a Sugar Daddy, Flipper?


You think they aren’t helped by a mainstream media which would rather keep saying ‘Old Firm’ at random intervals than ask anyone at Ibrox a few searching questions on the record, Flipper?


Yes I did hear you say ‘f*cked’, Flipper…

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You can’t say that The Clumpany didn’t try…

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Erik Sviatchenko Is In Big Trouble


Good Evening.

Coming to a newspaper near you, sometime soon. 

Possibly.

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Erik’s Epic Tumble

The Hoops star looks set to find that things   aren’t ‘cool’ with the SFA Compliance Officer, and could even face police charges following a spectacular incident on Sunday.

By A. Honest-Mistake.

Celtic defender Erik Sviatchenko is facing charges of bringing the game into disrepute, and possibly of causing criminal damage, after causing a cooling tower to tumble over yesterday afternoon. 

The incident – which led to unpleasant scenes and considerable anger – threatens to overshadow next week’s Old Firm* Scottish Cup semi-final. Quite literally. With a massive cloud of dust.

6205 witnesses have suggested that the cooling tower was scheduled for demolition, and had been fitted with explosives, leading to a large exclusion area being put in place around it.

However, a group of SFA-approved match officials somehow noticed that Sviatchenko was several miles away, and mistook his casual stroll to the shops to buy milk for “running up to the cooling tower and bringing it down with a superhero-strength kick”.

That’s a poor challenge, Erik!

The shopkeeper said “Mr Sviatchenko had just bought his pint of milk and laughed out loud when I asked him if he wanted to buy a newspaper, when a referee and two linesmen burst into the shop and said ‘We saw that! Causing a tumble like in the area is a clear penalty for the Compliance Officer to consider, and probably the police too.’

“I felt a bit sorry for him to be honest as he clearly had no clue what he was supposed to have done. But once these officials make  their minds up, there is no arguing with them'”.

The SFA declined to offer a detailed comment although their automated reply said “Ha ha ha ha ha! What accountability?” as usual.

Erik Sviatchenko was approached for an interview, but is apparently out of the country kicking a tower in Pisa until it leans at a jaunty angle.

Brendan Rodgers is rumoured to be thinking “Match officials in Scotland? F*ckers, the lot of them”.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun… 



Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, SPFL

The Sky’s The Absolute Limit


Good Evening.

Almost seen on Sky Sports today…

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David Tanner: “A very warm welcome from the Planet Krypton. But when I say ‘warm’, I don’t mean that literally. Because we here at Sky don’t believe the wild theories of Marlon Brando about the local sun being set to go supernova any day now. He might have been good in ‘The Godfather’,  but he knows nothing about the death spiral of stars.

“But down to business, we are here on Krypton to see newly-crowned SPFL Champions Celtic take on General Zod FC. Manager Terence Stamp is not in the Zod dugout today on account of being sent to the Phantom Zone – or ‘Sportscene’ as we call it – following conviction for crimes without number. 

“We understand that Walter Smith had a prior commitment conquering another world, so the Zod XI will be managed today by Ross County’s Jim McIntyre. Although quiet what interest Ross County have in this fixture is anyone’s guess.

“With me today is Neil McCann. Neil – is this your first trip to Krypton?”

Neil McCann: “Err David, this isn’t Krypton. This is Dingwall. And there is difference between Dingwall and an alien world despite what people might say.”

David Tanner: “Well that’s an interesting take on things, Neil. Do you think it might aid Celtic that the Planet Krypton has been adapted to look like Earth today?”

Neil McCann:David this is Earth. I think you might have watched the wrong DVDs while researching for this game.”

David Tanner: “So what sort of line-up do you think the Zod side will field? Do you think they will adopt a defensive formation like many others do against the Old Firm?”

Neil McCann: “Well most sides go defensive against this Celtic team. They sit in and hope to get a chance on the break or from a set piece. I can’t see Ross County doing anything different today.”

David Tannner: “But just how big a loss is Terence Stamp from the dugout? Do you think it might incentivise his players to give even more than they usually would against one of the Old Firm?”

Neil McCann: “David, this isn’t ‘Superman The Movie’. It’s Celtic against Ross County. We aren’t on Krypton. And Marlon Brando died years ago.”

David Tanner: “If we were on Earth Neil, wouldn’t you be sitting uncomfortably in case the tax man came calling for payments on your EBT?”

Neil McCann: “Hmmm. Do you know something David, you are absolutely spot on. Terence Stamp is a big loss to this Zod XI. Celtic could overrun the midfield without his tactical nous guiding the players. And I don’t believe this match is at risk of being abandoned due to the Krypton sun going supernova. Marlon Brando should have stayed for another Tango in Paris rather than come up with his wild theories of apocalypse”.

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And if you think that the above is a load of surreal nonsense, check this out…

Sky Sports presenter David Tanner slaughtered on social media for forgetting where he is

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

Not Scott Sinclair


Good Evening.

The Clumpany was interested to see the comments of one particular member of the Daily Record’s  ‘top team’ who decide not to name Scott Sinclair as their SPFL Premiership player of the year for 2016-17. 

Like many others, I wondered whether they actually felt that Sinclair should get the nod but simply couldn’t bring themselves to say it. 😉

Here is their assessment*. I will leave you to make up your own mind…

[* May contain completely fictitious content]

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Our writers select their SPFL Players of the Year for season 2016/2017

Pordon Garks

Premiership player of the season: My old ZX Spectrum computer.

I know it’s not actually a player, and I know Celtic have had a decent season, but I’m sorry, in terms of sheer impact I can’t look any further than my first ever computer for ‘Player of the Year’.

During half-time at a recent league game, I was reminded of my first ever IT drama. My wee pal was a real joker and he covered my ZX Spectrum in glue before pouring a packet of Hula Hoops all over it. I loved that computer and used to play football games on it all the time. I absolutely hit the roof when I saw what he had done, and immediately offered him a square go. 

After a bit of shouting, I threw a punch at him and he hurled the computer at me. I ducked and it flew out of the window. It smashed into a million pieces. Along with my heart and soul.

The incident had a profound effect on me, and having been reminded of it while at a football match, my player of the year simply has to be a genuinely enthralling, flying, hooped Sinclair.

Or maybe Johnny Hayes of Aberdeen.

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Click here for the full Daily Record list…

#KeepOnClumping