Celtic, Satire, Sevco, SFA, SPFL

A Disgraceful Conflict Of Interest

Good Afternoon.

It has come to The Clumpany’s attention that large numbers of administrators in the SFA and SPFL are fatally compromised.


Well, probably.

No definitely.


F*ck it, they are all clearly as guilty as sin.

The really bad sort of sin.

Not the ‘administrative oversight’ or the ‘imperfectly sinful’ sort of sin.

I mean the bloody outrageous, banged-to-rights sort of sin.

The sort of sin that would cause Satan to blush were his burning skin not already bright red.

I speak of an absolutely appalling conflict of interest which means that the Hampden top brass has to resign en masse.

Let me explain.

You know Celtic share-owning Celtic supporter and Celtic board member, Dermot ‘Celtic Man’ Desmond?

Yes that’s him there. Flagrantly associating with Celtic players as if there is no tomorrow.

Well let me tell you something about Dermot Desmond. And you might want to sit down for this as it is a truly shocking revelation.

Dermot Desmond likes golf.


In fact, Dermot Desmond PLAYS golf.


Look, there he is.

Oh and there he is again, looking very pleased with himself, and practically bringing football into disrepute.

It is Dermot Desmond’s golfing activities that have compromised the Hampden top brass.

Do you know how?

I’ll tell you.

Because folk who work at the SFA and SPFL also play golf.

Not necessarily with Dermot Desmond. In fact almost certainly NOT with Dermot Desmond.

But they play golf. And that’s practically a smoking gun in terms of a conflict of interest.

You can easily imagine an SFPL or SFA officer lining up a putt on the 18th green and thinking to themselves “Dermot Desmond also plays golf. When I get back to the office I must rig Scottish football to give Celtic an unfair advantage.”

It’s a disgrace, so it is!

Before anyone asks, no I don’t have any evidence of which Scottish football administrators play golf. Nor do I have any proof of what they think about, or whether they act on their thoughts.

It’s clearly far better to revel in the attention to be gained from throwing out accusations.

So, all in all it would be best for Scottish football for these conflicted people with golfing links to Dermot Desmond to be thrown out of the game.

And for Dave King to be put in charge.

After all, he’s famous for being a caddy and thereby completely removed from the terrible golf-playing taint.

Isn’t he? 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a satire on the week’s piss-poor real-life comedy…

Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

A Phone Call To The SPFL

**Update 4pm, 11 April 2018: the fixtures have now been published!**













SPFL Official: “Hello. SPFL. How can I respond to your call. Please be aware that we do not actually ‘help’.”

The Clumpany: “Hi there. I was just calling to know when the post-split Premiership fixtures will be announced.”

SPFL Official: “The what?”

The Clumpany: “The post-split Premiership fixtures? There are still five rounds of matches to play.”

SPFL Official: “Matches? Can’t you use a lighter instead?”

The Clumpany: “FOOTBALL matches.”

SPFL Official: “Foot what?”

The Clumpany: “Do you know when the remaining fixtures of the Premiership season will be announced? Only there are a lot of folk wanting to buy tickets and make travel plans.”

SPFL Official: “Sorry this isn’t a ticket retailer or travel agent.”

The Clumpany: “I didn’t say it was. We just want to know when the remaining games will be played?”

SPFL Official: “Well I’m going to be playing Candy Crush saga tonight if that helps.”

The Clumpany: “It doesn’t. This is really simple. There are football matches to be played in a league that you organise. Professional football has been played for well over a century and the setting up of fixtures has long since proved not to be rocket science.”

SPFL Official: “Have you tried NASA? I hear the Chinese also have a flourishing space programme. There are no rockets here.”

The Clumpany: “You’ve clearly never met Neil Doncaster… Now, when will the ties be announced?”

SPFL Official: “I’m sorry but we are not a clothing retailer either. I don’t wish to be rude, but you really do seem to have misunderstood what we do here.”

The Clumpany: “Do you have any clue what you do?”

SPFL Official:“I respond to queries. The SPFL prides itself in being a responsive organisation.”

The Clumpany: “And what is your response to someone who just wants you to do your job and compile a list of football fixtures?”

SPFL Official: “I’m sorry. You’ve hit me with this ‘foot ball’ thing again. Is it some sort of fancy dress dancing occasion? A ball where everyone comes dressed as a foot?”

The Clumpany: “Oh dear… So you have no explanation for the delay?”

SPFL Official: “I do. Apparently the train had faulty doors. But they got it moving again and I was able to get to work to respond to you call!”

The Clumpany: “Can we hope for an announcement soon?”

SPFL Official: “Of what? Another Royal wedding?”

The Clumpany: “No, the football fixtures. Your member clubs are waiting to battle it out for European places.”

SPFL Official: “European places? I think you want to speak to easyJet or Ryanair. They go to lots of European places.”

The Clumpany: “FFS! How hard can it be?”

SPFL Official: “You have absolutely no idea. Which is a funny coincidence really, because neither do we!”


Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

A Statement From Blubberwell FC

Blubberwell Football Club today didn’t release the following statement in relation to things just NOT BEING FAIR.

“Many supporters, untold millions, in fact so many fans that we can’t actually give you an exact number, have contacted the club seeking to have a good greet and to prompt us to do the same in public. And they want us to do so even if it makes us look silly and causes people to point, laugh and make comparisons to Sevco.

And do you know something? DO. YOU. KNOW. SOMETHING? We are going to have that greet and we ARE going to stamp our feet for good measure. Because incidents in recent games with Celtic are just too much to justify the toys being kept in our pram any longer.

“Firstly, it is unfortunate that the aftermath of yet another Blubberwell match has been dominated by us having to have a debatable debate amongst ourselves and with a surprising number of hitherto-unknown Blubberwell fans from the south side of Glasgow. A debatable debate about another debatable decision by a match official. It is a debatable decision that has left the majority of our supporters again debating quite how frustrated they should continue to feel whilst ignoring a compelling camera angle showing a foul in the penalty area.

“There is no debatable debate about the fact that match officials have a challenging role, and we know that getting everything correct is impossible (look at this statement, for example). However, it is teddy bear-clutchingly heartbreaking, and dummy-spittingly irritating to see high profile decisions (which are just like ‘decisions’, but hyped up for the purposes of a grievance-articulating statement) affect both Wednesday night’s match and the League Cup final in the way we assert they have.

“As such, we have made contact with the Scottish FA’s Head of Refereeing in order to be able to say that we have contacted the Scottish FA’s Head of Refereeing. Let there be no misunderstanding about our resolve in this matter: the Scottish FA’s Head of Refereeing has been contacted.

“We would also like to thank our fans for yet another large attendance and for supporting the team. Our average attendances are up almost as high as Scott Sinclair was propelled when he was fouled in the Hampden penalty area, and Stephen Robinson and his squad continue to capture the imagination as clearly as Andy Rose caught Callum McGregor at Fir Park.

“We also note the comments of the Celtic captain today. If any incidents are reported to us, or we glance at the footage of the match, we will fully investigate them. Including the possibility that coins were thrown on the pitch in a simple case of Fir Park being mistaken for a wishing well.

“In addition, we will work with Celtic to investigate the numerous acts of vandalism, including a very precisely-counted 206 broken seats (that’s 206, NOT 205 but TWO HUNDRED-AND-SIX broken seats), damaged toilets and graffiti in the McEwan Fraser Legal South Stand. Nice mention for the sponsors there!”



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun (and for the avoidance of doubt, I condemn vandalism!)

Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

Empty Seats

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that the Hibs and SPFL boards have (separately) met in emergency session tonight to discuss the c10,000 empty seats in the ‘Hibs end’ at Hampden during today’s Hibs-Celtic League Cup semi-final.

The Clumpany understands that both boards have concluded that “these things happen but it would be best if we all moved on”.

The Clumpany also hears from sources close to senior officials at the SPFL and Hibs that Rod Petrie is a fantastic guy and is rightly a shoe-in to be the next SFA President because of the so-called ‘rules’ and the priority attached to time-serving by Scottish football’s governing body. Any dissenting view could be construed as being ‘coal-raking’ and is thus best dismissed out of hand.

Following extensive investigation, The Clumpany notes without any belief whatsoever that the powers that be know what they are doing in running a ticketing operation for a high-profile Cup match between two well-supported sides which results in 10,000 empty seats in the national stadium.

After all, it’s only football, and it’s only a question of how easily deeply-committed fans without ready access to a blazer from a mediocre tailor can get to watch their team.

Isn’t it?

It really is no biggie…


Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

That SPFL Decision In Full…

Good Evening.

Top Clumpany analysts have been working non-stop to bring you the definitive take on the SPFL's statement and interview comments regarding their inability to revisit or set aside the Lord-Nimmo-Smith Commission, following the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Big Tax Case.

The SPFL's position on these matters is of fundamental importance in determining whether Scottish football is an actual sport, and in deciding whether everyone who paid into it from the turn of the millennium onwards was taken for a complete mug.

As such, I hope you will pay close attention to the following Clumpany analysis.


A Clumpany Summary Of The SPFL's Position

Legal lawyer stuff.
Lawyer legal stuff.
Legal stuff lawyer.
Lawyer stuff legal.
Stuff lawyer legal.
Stuff legal lawyer.
Stuff you!

Lord Nimmo-Smith dealt with that.
And that.
That too.
And the other things as well.
And things.
He dealt with all the things and stuff.
What was the question?
Stuff you!

Can't reopen.
Matter closed.
A closed matter that can't be reopened.
It's all a non-reopen-able closed matter.
Line-drawn-undery stuff.
Look to the future at new stuff.
Stuff stuff stuff-ity stuff!
Stuff you!

Review what we did.
But we can't actually do anything.
Case closed.
We'll learn from the thing we closed.
Even though it's closed because we did things properly.
All above board.
We are bored bored board of this.
It's dry and boring stuff.
There's more important stuff than being seen to govern even-handedly.
Like other stuff.
And things.
And stuff and things and stuff.
Stuff you!


You have to admit that is a compelling narrative which should put to bed the issues of Rangers' use of DOS, EBTs, and side letters. Along with all concerns about, spectacularly invalid player registrations and a Lord Nimmo-Smith Commission that was so defective you wouldn't even give it to your worst enemy as a Secret Santa present.

Although you might give it to Neil Doncaster to stuff somewhere. 😉

(And keep lobbying your clubs to show some backbone over this truly defining issue).

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun… 😉

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

The Shite Before Christmas…

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has bad news for children across the land.

Apparently everyone's favourite festive hero Santa Claus is introducing a new approach to his work this Christmas.

He won't accept childrens' Christmas wish lists this year because he considered lists previously. The fact that circumstances have changed, and that the children see their earlier lists as competently defective – if not utterly irrelevant – is unfortunately immaterial as far as he is concerned.

Santa has taken advice from a non-Lapland lawyer and he has to inform the youth of Scotland that he cannot reopen the issue of Christmas lists. Not that Santa views this as a problem. Indeed he believes that there is no appetite for him to consider Christmas lists this year, and he expects Scottish youngsters to move on to Easter.

Santa does however have a gargantuan appetite for your contribution to his work. He therefore requests that you leave an extra mince pie and a whole bottle of Buckie out for him this year. You don't need to bother with a carrot for Rudolph, though.

"Fuck Rudolph" said Santa. "As long as I'm having an easy life, I don't care about the welfare of anyone else or indeed the integrity of this whole 'Christmas' malarkey'."

Merry Christmas everybody.


NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

Media, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Awaiting Your Instructions

Good Afternoon.

One of the most preposterous things said in relation to calls for an investigation and possible title-stripping following the Supreme Court’s ruling on the Big Tax Case has been the following:

“Chris will helpfully bring us the latest”. 😉

Of course, I jest. It was actually “Grant! You’ll put everyone in the picture, won’t you?”. 😉

I jest once again.

It is actually the notion that the authorities will act if there is sufficient pressure from clubs/ fans for it.

Now, I am no expert in horsesh*t. But I know a steaming pile when I see one. Particularly if it has an army of (very smelly) squirrels climbing all over it.

It is truly astonishing that anyone could have sufficient contempt for common sense, sport and the intelligence of their audience to utter the words and expect anyone to take them seriously!

And it is even more outrageous that the footballing authorities are able to hide behind this crap rather than be relentlessly pursued for a coherent account of themselves and a commitment to take serious action.

But that is the situation in which we seem to find ourselves at present.

Surely the questions should always be “has wrong apparently been done? How can we test this? What sanctions can be applied if wrongdoing is proven?”

…rather than sitting there in glorious inaction until your hand is forced?

What is the point of rules, regulatory bodies and a supposedly inquisitive media if staring at your shoes until the paying customers make you do something is seen as a perfectly rational and acceptable approach?

I’ll tell you.

There is none.

Whatever next?

  • Referees only awarding legitimate goals if there is sufficient pressure for it? [Actually, let’s not give the SFA any ideas…]
  • Taxi drivers declining to take a passenger home, and just sitting on the rank with the engine running until thousands of the fare’s mates start shouting at them?
  • The police receiving reports of a murder (or ‘a Tweet’ depending on your preferred level of melodrama), and refusing to do anything until enough people phone insisting that they have to look into it?
  • Juries in criminal trials lounging around in the jury room drinking Buckie until the weight of popular opinion forces them to make a decision?
  • An invaded country only bothering to defend itself if enough folk email the authorities to take action?

The entire national sport of Scotland and those who follow it are being taken for mugs. 

You know that, I know that, and I suspect that everyone working at Hampden and in the sports media knows it too.

As a result, it is good to see the Scottish Football Supporters Association (whose survey I commend) doing their stuff, alongside the dynamic new Strip The Titles initiative, and the fans of many clubs [NB I have been particularly impressed by some of the Dons’ fans].

This is clearly the time to apply – and keep up – the pressure.

Inaction by the fans – and by the clubs they may have squandered millions following in a seemingly rigged game – merely endorses the authorities’ inertia. It does this because it leaves the authorities unquestioned and unchallenged. And it does so because it appears that the vast majority of the ‘heroic’ Scottish sports media simply cannot be trusted to do anything other than desperately try to avoid rocking the boat.

Shame on them.

And well done to everyone fighting for justice.  Keep it up!

Even if it means crowdfunding a judicial review.


NB Do take a few minutes to complete the Scottish Football Supporters’ Association survey, which you can find by clicking here.