Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Guest Blog: Dobbin The Horse Discusses Alex Rae

Neigh.

Hang on a minute. Is this translator device working now.?

Neigh!

No, it’s nae working. Or do I mean neigh working?

Ah, maybe it IS working now. Let’s see if I can get this written before the translator breaks down. I guess I’ll just have to write this on the hoof…

F*cking hell it’s hard being a horse. Especially when you get donkeys muscling on in on your territory.

Anyway. Alex Rae. Veteran of an inexplicable number of media outlets, and always seemingly happy to play the role of the world’s only pantomime horse where both ends are an arse. 😉 What’s he like? No one is going to mistake him for a STABLE genius like Donald Trump are they, that’s for sure…

Apparently he said something today about how if the Champion Hurdle was run over the length of his EBT documentation and everyone fell over before the end, there wouldn’t be enough bodies left lying there to cover up the full scale of the cash that could have gone to public services if only dead Rangers had paid a proper share of taxes like everyone else.

Because of Celtic.

Or something.

To be fair, he has a point. I know this because – as a horse – I know manure when I see it. Although if one of my equine pals produced horsesh*t quite like Mr Rae I’d be telling them to get themselves down to the vet pretty sharpish to have themselves checked out.

Anyway, on to football, as I hear Mr Rae likes to talk about it. On behalf of the horse community I would just like to say neigh! No really. I want to say ‘neigh’. I’ll turn the translator off for that bit or it might get confused and I’ll end up apparently saying some random nonsense like “I can’t see past Rangers* for the title this season”. And no one wants to appear like that much of an idiot in a public forum do they?

As I was saying, I say NEIGH to Alex Rae. I don’t know what he thought he had been watching when he made his comments today, but I can definitively state that no horses have been involved in Scottish football this season. Especially falling ones. Mr Morelos may go down in the box like an attention seeking imposter at the Spanish Riding School, and he may appear to have been eating like a horse of late, but he definitely ISN’T an actual horse.

Some people might say that Mr Rae was making a highly partisan point about stopping Celtic from winning the league because he doesn’t like them and would love to see their march to nine and possibly ten in a row stopped at any cost. But I say that this suggestion can’t possibly be entirely true. Mr Rae doesn’t even know Ann let alone go to any of her parties. 😉

Mr Rae may want to see Celtic deprived of a title through some sort of… err… horseplay however.

On behalf of the entire horse community I would like to conclude by inviting Mr Rae to stick to things he knows about. However I suspect that this suggestion might end up with him wandering round aimlessly with a tube of unused superglue in his hand.😉

So I will simply sign off by saying the following. Hey Rae. Neigh!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun at the expense of the circus that is Scottish football…

Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

A Guest Blog By Steven Gerrard

There’s been a lot of talk in the papers and online recently about the performance of my Rangers* side, and about whether I’m happy in the job.

So I’m absolutely delighted to be given this opportunity to set the record straight. And in case anyone has any doubts about whether what I am about to say is true, let me state that I take full responsibility for it. Although obviously if there’s any misunderstanding or if things turn out differently to what I say, then can I just say how disappointed I am that The Clumpany has let me down like this? I’ve given that blog everything. Nothing’s been too good for it. And if I put things on a plate for someone I expect a bowlful of respect, loyalty and quality performance from them.

No one is hurting more than I am about how badly this blog has been received. Tim Berners-Lee did brilliantly in training this week and we had a great tactics session. But his World Wide Web has sold me down the river by putting something so disappointing out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I stand by everyone involved in getting this blog published. The buck stops with me. But no one is more upset than I am that a keyboard, wires, electricity, and smartphones have undermined all my work to channel the 21st Century communications revolution for the good of Rangers* and allowed a substandard performance to disappoint the fans.

I am fully accountable for what’s gone on here. But no-one has been made sick to the stomach more than me to see words lose their formation and embarrass this club. I’ve given the English language every opportunity, and I honestly can’t believe it’s gone missing when the chips are up the creek without a sail.

Honestly, I represent this club, and take the criticism on the chin. My chin is the big cheese chin. It’s the head honcho of chins. I know that because my chin is usually attached to my head. But I’m gutted for the fans. I planned that blog, poured everything I could into it. There is no way that blog can look the supporters in their blinking eye, or in their other blinking eye, and say it has delivered for them.

I am all about honest performances. We don’t let any shortcomings lie in training. We have a polygraph to test them. Polly’s a lovely parrot. I bought her myself. The pet shop really let me down though, because I paid for a cat. That said, I take full responsibility for not trying to rectify my mistake at the time of purchase. I’ll explain that when I sue the pet shop in the courts.

So you can see how betrayed I feel. However, I am in charge and I have to accept the blame. I’m not going to say that everyone and everything has committed treason against my brilliant work to make Rangers* successful. But they all know I don’t like trees and yet I still end up seeing them every day.

Given the reception it’s had I won’t be writing any more guest blogs.

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[Note from The Clumpany: Steven Gerrard was subsequently informed that despite his claims, he hadn’t actually written the agreed guest blog and had instead ‘gone off on one’ about it possibly being badly received. The Clumpany subsequently got an unexpected opportunity to examine the underside of a bus and is considering a new career as a mechanic.]

NB This blog contains no actual Steve Gerrard. Remember folks, it’s always just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Patronising Michael Stewart

A STATEMENT ON MICHAEL STEWART

Following a complaint from our magnificent benefactor His Grace James Duke of Traynor about an absolutely disgusting foul mouthed tirade, the Headmaster has had a jolly stern word with Michael Stewart and explained in words of one syllable that it is not nice to disrespect your betters.

A clip round the ear was duly administered to the young upstart and Master Stewart has been sent out to pick up litter in the playground for as long as the Headmaster deems proper.

We always applaud our pupils for having their own ideas as long as they are the school’s ideas, and we encourage creativity as long as it has been faxed over from the offices of His Grace James Duke of Traynor. But Master Stewart has behaved in an uppity manner unbecoming of a pupil of this school and it simply won’t do.

Master Stewart agrees with what we say, and will continue to do so when he actually sees what we have said. On that basis, Master Stewart will one day be welcome to join the Headmaster and other pupils in the Sir Walter of Cardigan Sporting Integrity Common Room for lemonade and a special showing of the ‘Rangers: 9-In-A-Row’ Betamax video, which has been provided at the expense of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.

Provided that he remains silent at all times.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football

Clumpany Enters Market For Imperial Fashion Partner

The Clumpany is beside itself with ecstasy to confirm something about which no one was speculating. It is actively seeking a partner, or partners (because its diversity policy means that plurals are always welcome, even if some folk seem to enjoy being up to their knees in singulars) to be the ethereal entity’s Official ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ Maker.

The partnership will be multi-season and cover spring, summer and possibly autumn and winter too if His Big Mikeness allows it.

The Clumpany’s Head of Marketing Alan commented: “Hey! I’m over here. Can’t you see me? Oh… Anyway, we are dancing a non-Irish jig with delirious euphoria at being able to inform the Universe that we shall be engaging with absolutely anyone prepared to take on the job of making stylish but practical clothing for an Emperor we know. Really. Honestly.

“The Clumpany wants people or People to come into its new shop or log on to its website and buy top quality sports clothes which are fit for an Emperor. As a market leading brand, The Clumpany wants the clothes to break new boundaries of skin breathability and lightweight feel. In fact it wants them to appear completely invisible to the naked eye. To keep costs down.”

The timing of the potential partnership coincides with the relaunch of the T̶i̶t̶a̶n̶i̶c̶ Clumpany website which will henceforth only use the comic sans font. Also, we will be putting new batteries in The Clumpany’s cheap market-bought watch later tonight, so we can confidently and randomly mention having a digital transformation strategy.

The opportunity – no really, it’s an opportunity – includes the ability to operate shops and concessions (or ‘surrenders’ as we don’t like to call them).

Furthermore, The Clumpany will celebrate Alan’s landmark 150th Birthday in 2022. This provides a unique opportunity for our new partner to join us in deploying made up anniveraries as a marketing strategy.

For more information please see Alan. If you can…

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Meanwhile… Rangers* Enter Market For Kit & Retail Partner 😉

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Return Of Michael Stewart

Michael Stewart In Shock Return To Airwaves

BBC bosses have engineered a ‘dramatic breakthrough’ which will see the outspoken pundit return to Sportsound later this week.

By I. That’s-Likely

Controversial raving rant-meister Michael Stewart is set to return to the scene of his epic tirade against Jim Traynor following talks between possibly everyone involved other than Michael Stewart, and BBC bosses hope it will herald the dawn of a new golden era for their flagship radio sports programme

Following reports that Stewart would only be allowed back on air once the BBC could guarantee he wouldn’t repeat his vicious vileness, it is now understood that the Corporation’s top brass have come up with a plan so foolproof that there is only a 98% chance of Sportsound messing it up.

Our insider has been told that the BBC has decided to draw a cunning distinction between a pundit being ‘on’ Sportsound and them actually being in the studio or anywhere near an actual microphone.

“It’s brilliant” said our source. “Whatever you think about Stewart, he’s a loss to the programme. So the BBC can’t let this situation carry on any longer. But they can’t risk a repeat of upsetting anyone at Ibrox. You should see the messages they got from the fans after the last time. Not a single coherent sentence among them. Especially the emails that bypassed traditional electronic means of dissemination and were attached to rocks.

“So a compromise has been struck. Or was it my head by one of those rocks?”

Pressed for details of the BBC’s plans the insider shared some tantalising exclusive details

“The BBC will announce that Michael Stewart is coming back following a ‘dramatic breakthrough’ and then on the night of the first show the presenter will say ‘Welcome to the show. Michael Stewart is with us tonight’…. and that will be it.

“Of course no one will specify the sense in which Stewart is actually ‘with’ Sportsound. It could be ‘in spirit’ or ‘with us in our thoughts’. No one will be telling a lie but no one will be broadcasting Michael Stewart to the nation that’s for sure!”

Asked for a comment in order to make this article long enough, a former Celtic player you had forgotten about remarked “Michael Stewart? No he wouldn’t get in the Rangers* team just now. They’ve the best squad in the Galaxy. And in the Twix too. You can see why they are outgunning Celtic at every turn.”

Michael Stewart was unavailable for comment, which could well suit the BBC.

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…


Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

In Grave Danger Of Drying Out

Good Evening.

The Clumpany just had a call from my pal Alan. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. He was keen to update me on his latest bizarre experience.

Alan had somehow found himself in a Sevco supporting pub* and had witnessed a very strange scene. [* Don’t worry, no one noticed that he is a Celtic fan. In fact they didn’t notice anything about him at all…]

He said he was minding his own business at the far end of the bar, drinking a pint of his usual Super Strength Sevco Fans’ Tears when a young couple came in to the pub.

“What’ll it be?” grunted the barman.

The young man Billy looked at the hand-print cave paintings masquerading as a drinks list behind the bar and said he’d have a pint of bison.

The barman told him “not to be so f*cking cheeky as that clearly says lager. I wrote it myself”.

Billy quickly ordered a pint of lager. He then asked his girlfriend Billie what she would like, and having squinted up at the wall, she asked if they had any white wine.

Everyone in the pub stopped what they were doing and gasped.

The barman coughed and spluttered. “We don’t have much call for that love” he said.

Billie sighed and asked if the barman would have a look “to see if they had any in the back”.

Everyone in the pub shook their heads and sighed. The barman did likewise and stomped out of the back of the bar. After a couple of minutes of rattling and swearing he reappeared, covered in dust and clutching a grubby looking ancient bottle. He slammed it on the bar. “There you are love” he said. “Small, medium or large?”.

Billie sighed very loudly. “Dry please. And THAT bottle is sweet. Very sweet. So sweet it should be called Chateau Helicopter Sunday.” Her boyfriend laughed at what presumably passes for comedy in Sevconia. But the rest of the pub winced and muttered “Ooft” under their breath.

The barman was not pleased. “Look love” he grumbled, “This is a Rangers* pub. If you want taste and sophistication you can f*ck off elsewhere. Here we serve beer, lager, dignity and staunchness.”

“And meths!” shouted a very drunk sounding voice from near the dart board.

“Oi! William, I’ve told you before. P*ss off. You are barred.” yelled the barman. The decayed monument to excessive drinking that was apparently called William was then swiftly escorted off the premises.

Billie wasn’t going to let her wine disappointment drop. “OK barman. I know you are doing your best… but are you absolutely sure you can’t do me a dry white wine? Please.”

The barman paused, then smiled as if he’d had a ‘lightbulb moment’. “I’m sorry love, of course I can do you a dry white wine! How dry?”

“Ooh very dry please!” said a delighted Billie. “As dry as you can manage”.

“No bother” said the barman. Just give me a minute. He picked up his mobile phone, made a quick call out the back of the bar and then reappeared. He picked up a wine glass, blew off the decades of accumulated unpleasantness, set it down on the bar and picked up the bottle he had slammed down earlier.

“What are you doing?” exclaimed Billie. “That’s the sweet white wine”.

“No love, I’m serving dry white wine” said the barman.

“But…” said Billie.

“This is going to be very very very dry, just how you wanted” it said the barman. “It’s almost ready”.

As the barman placed the full wine glass on the bar there was a screech of brakes outside and suddenly three firefighters burst into the pub with a hose which was pumping out a jet of high pressured water.

“Over here!” said the barman, pointing to Billie. And with that the firefighters took aim at her glass and blasted water into it.

Billie screamed. The water kept on coming from the hose. It shattered the glass and proceeded to shower everyone in the pub and flood the entire floor.

And still it kept on coming.

“There you are love”, said the barman. I can’t make it any drier than that.

“What the f*ck is going on?” yelled Billie’s boyfriend Billy.

“A good question…” thought my pal Alan to himself as he scrolled through his Twitter timeline…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of very silly satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The World’s Most Ludicrous Bridge

The World’s Most Ludicrous Bridge

Experts have today slammed an “absolutely ridiculous” scheme to build the world’s longest bridge.

By A. Fantasy-Crossing

An attempt to construct a link between two distant places has been blasted by almost everyone who has heard about it. Plans for the bridge emerged in the media this morning, and sparked widespread incredulity and questions about sanity and value for money.

Efforts to deliver the ambitious link are still at an early stage, but those responsible are optimistic.

“People might be sceptical, but we can do this!” said the project leader. “We are proud of our work and are not afraid to tell everyone! Bring on the bridge!”

Others however were unimpressed. “What the hell is this crap?” said one member of the public when told of the scheme. “What a waste of time, effort and cash.”

“Haven’t they got anything better to do?” said another. “We need this Fantasy Island stuff like a hole in the head. I for one don’t believe any serious person would ever want to cross that bridge.”

But the project leader remained undeterred. “I don’t care what the naysayers think. This bridge is necessary and I am sure everyone will believe in it if they can just put aside their prejudice and listen to what I have to say.”

No completion date has been announced for the bridge, which will attempt to cross the yawning chasm between what happened in 2012 and what some of those involved now claim occurred. To be known as ‘The Scottish Sports Media/ Craig Whyte Revisionism Bridge’, thousands of Sevcopath experts have put good money on the crossing failing on the basis that “it seems like an intelligence-insulting pile of sh*te”.

Meanwhile, there was also something in the news today about a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…