Hibernian, Satire, Sevco

Wibble! Wibble! Wibble!

A Statement from a Stranger to the English Language and the Concept of Self-Awareness

RANGERS* notes Hibernian’s decision to not bow down before us and kiss our feet by slashing SLASHING our supporters’ ticket allocation for the final match of the Scottish Premiership season at Easter Road on Sunday, May 13. [Ed.- May 13 is a Sunday isn’t it? Only we said ‘Saturday’ first time around. We don’t want People to think we are so clueless that we don’t know what day it is.]

Let us be absolutely clear that the ticket reduction is a disgraceful disgrace of disgusting proportions. It also makes us vomit our insides out that Hibernian has not offered to send taxis to pick up those few Rangers* fans who are lucky enough to get one of the Willy Wonka-rare tickets available for the match.

This shocking lack of care means that our supporters, whose loyalty, dedication and behaviour is second to none, will have to risk life, limb and dignity by travelling on PUBLIC TRANSPORT and by CROSSING ROADS. Should any of our fans not be able to get a seat on a train or bus, or if they are beeped at by an impatient driver at a pedestrian crossing, they will have the full* support of this historic history-laden club in seeking redress from a culpable Hibernian. [* Non-financial].

Rangers* especially hopes that the safety of our fans, who will now only be able to belt out The Billy Boys and possibly throw objects from one section of the South Stand rather than filling it completely, will not be compromised by the withdrawal of OUR FULL TICKET ENTITLEMENT.

Let there be no confusion. We will stamp our feet, be extraordinarily arrogant, and make piss-poor threats unless we get our way. We also reserve the right to issue further statements with even longer sentences that go on for quite some time and which struggle to articulate an articulate point while all the time the rest of Scottish football laughs at us like hyenas who can’t believe the absolute state of our PR strategy and who never want the comedy to end.

Those sort of long sentences.

Pandering to our colossal sense of entitlement is the least Rangers* expects for supporters who have repeatedly proven themselves to be the most respectful, loveable and cuddly in the whole Universe. Not only have they sold out away ticketing allocations at opposition stadiums for years, they have revelled in this ‘same club’ selling out the very concept of sporting integrity for over a decade. No one makes a contribution to Scottish football like Rangers* fans.

This was evident as we rose through the divisions when clubs the length and breadth of the country, including Hibernian, benefitted financially and horticulturally from the presence of our fans. Many have been the times that our travelling fans have stopped behind after the match to mow the pitch and tidy the flower beds around the grounds, refusing payment and simply suggesting that the grateful club makes a donation to a charity of their choice.

Rangers* will of course bear in mind Hibernian’s decision in a ‘veiled threat’ sort-of-way, when considering ticketing arrangements for future matches – both home and away – against this particular [*spit*] club.

P*ss off Hibernian. And GIRUY Rod Petrie (although thanks for helping to kill off the proposed review into the handling of this ‘same club’s’ EBT scheme. Good work!).



Club* Statement


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satire…

Satire, Scottish Cup, Sevco

No Really, What WAS He Doing?

What's the goalie daein

Good Evening.

Credit to these folk for providing the inspiration…

Singing: “What’s The Goalie Daein Tom?” 

And to Sevco TV for just being absolutely brilliant…


Waste Oddity

What’s the goalie daein Tom?
What’s the goalie daein Tom?
Take our skelping now and pray Moussa is gone.

What’s the goalie daein Tom? (Bain, Boyata, Simunovic, Ajer, Tierney)
Commencing meltdown, shrieking long. (Brown, Ntcham, Forrest)
Check the scoreline and may Murty be gone soon. (Rogic, McGregor, Dembele!)

Fuck’s sake, what’s the goalie daein Tom?
He’s really made to pay.
And the fans all want to know ‘King, do you care?’
Now it’s time to leave the stadium Loyal Bears.

Nothing daein Tom, the goalie’s shite.
Wes has no England call.
And he’s ‘keeping in a most comedic way.
And the gap looks very frightening today.

“For beer
I need. Drinking from a tin can.
Pints to numb the hurt.

Glasgow isn’t blue.
And there’s f*ck all we can do”

Though the singing’s hateful, rancid, vile.
We’re losing 3-2 still.
And I think our fan base knows it’s time to go.
Tell the board to p*ss off. Blame for all our woes.

What’s the goalie daein Tom?
Our season’s dead, it’s all gone wrong.
What the hell’s he daein Tom?
What the hell’s he daein Tom?
What the hell’s he daein Tom?
What the… “Here am I drinking from a tin can.
Pints after we lose.

Glasgow isn’t blue.
And there’s f*ck all we can do.”

With apologies to David Bowie (no, REALLY), here he is performing his classic hit.

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Sevco

The Union Bears Make A Cup Of Tea

Good Evening.

Here is a statement that the Union Bears haven’t actually made…


Enough Is Enough

The Union Bears wish to make it known that events related to the recent performance of Rangers* against Celtic are simply not good enough.

Celtic battered Rangers* and the players looked bereft of ideas in the face of their onslaught. Just as we are lacking in understanding of the difficult words we used in the last sentence when our clever mate suggested we include them for a dare.

But the most shameful display last Sunday came after we all ran crying to our mums and hoped that they would pretend Timmy hadn’t actually won 4-0.

It is our understanding that one supposedly caring mother failed to put a comforting fifth sugar in her boy’s cup of tea when he got home from the match.

This proud bear was left humiliated and practically choking on his possibly sectarian four-sugar cup of tea.

The loyalty and dignity of Rangers* fans usually knows no bounds. But sadly we have no option but to take this suspected Fenian Mum to task and hope that she is rattled by our utterly futile gesture.

As such, the Union Bears announce that while we will continue to drink tea, it will not have a watery presence. For too long the parental forces of refreshment have taken us for granted and assumed that we will accept whatever is put in front of us.

But no more. Until such time as our every last tragic squealing grievance has been addressed, we will hold a firm line and only drink tea without any water in it.

We trust that this hardline stance will convince the Rangers* board of our credentials and determination.

However, should that not prove to be the case, the current custodians of our club* should be in no doubt that we will continue to end all our statements with ‘No Surrender’ to increasing comic effect.

No Surrender.




NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Desperate Plea To Dave King

Good Evening.

The Clumpany didn’t see the following on a Sevco fans’ forum….


Dear Dave King.

We deserve better.

We really do.

Rangers* fans have shown their commitment to this club* over many decades by eventually finding someone who can hold a pen and who is prepared to write a vaguely coherent message to you.

The least you can do in return is pander to us as if we are screaming toddlers who won’t tolerate not having our own way.

Our request of you is simple and surely easy to deliver.

1) An end to Catholicism in Scotland. We would be prepared to accept an interim step of separate schools closing immediately. However, we would still expect you to have deliverable plans to eradicate the Roman Church from the entire country faster than we can sing “f*ck the Pope”.

2) The expulsion of all Irishness from Scotland. Especially the really Fenian sort of Irishness. And if the Rangers* board could have a band playing ‘The Billy Boys’ and ‘The Famine Song’ as the expulsion happens that would be especially welcome.

3) The beheading of Peter Lawwell. Whilst we feel sure that Liewell’s hidden hand was responsible for Rangers’* demotion in 2012, we can’t tell our arses from our elbows so feel that the loss of a head would be a reasonable punishment.

4) The eradication of all free speech that suggests our historic, history-laden, ancient club was liquidated by liquidators in 2012. For far too long our club* has stood idly by while its enemies have claimed to speak “blindingly obvious truths about insolvency law that we all saw unfolding at the time”.

5) A team on the pitch that wins every game. We do not want to turn up to games with a Rangers* victory left to chance. It should be guaranteed! For that is the Rangers* way. Any board which cannot deliver perpetual success by facing down the hatred of people who say that creditors should be paid and the football rule book should be obeyed is clearly unworthy of the unbroken history of this club*.

Mr King, Her Majesty expects you to deliver victory against those who refuse to show due deference to the Crown and Rangers*.

We are tired of excuses, Mr King. An anti-Catholic, anti-Irish, anti-Lawwell, anti-free speech club with a team that never loses is surely not too much to ask.

Is it?

Oh, and an orange away top would be great too.

Yours Loyally.

Billy McStauch (Not surrendering, except to Rangers’* next bit of spin)



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun!

Celtic, Hibernian, Scottish Football

How To Deal With A Celtic Defeat

Good Evening.

Here are some Clumpany tips following today’s Hibs-Celtic game.

If you are a Celtic fan who has seen it all and who possesses a sense of perspective, you deserve a pat on the back.

If you are a Hibs fan, get yourself several large drinks. Three points have been well earned at the business end of the season. Your side had a good go at Celtic and won the game. Fair play to them!

If you are a Sevco fan enjoying Celtic getting beaten, or a Celtic fan feeling utterly anguished about the Hoops’ third domestic defeat in almost two full seasons then I have the following to say to you…

FFS get a grip. This is football. It is a competitive sport, and while we all may have lived through decades of win-at-all costs cheating by the first Ibrox club, that doesn’t mean that it was even remotely normal or acceptable! Despite the attitude of governing bodies and some journalists.

Sport is supposed to be competitive,

Upsets are supposed to happen.

If sport is rigged and/or predictable, it is wrong!

No really.

For the benefit of any David Murray era-pining Sevco fans/ journalists (or People who are both – you know who you are…), let me make something absolutely clear….

Sport is almost always at its best when upsets can happen.

When every team and their supporters can have a day in the sun,

When expectation and any sort of sense of entitlement can be blown out of the water.

This is what you sign up for when you take an interest in sport. If you expect perpetual success, or require your team to do ‘whatever it takes’ to win, then you are a dangerous individual who should be kept away from any sort of position of responsibility.

Because you are a menace.

You don’t want to see a sport. You want to see a procession in honour of your own self-centredness.

You want to have your aching insecurities soothed by shafting others.

And as such, you really should GTF and spend your time in a more appropriate manner than pretending to like football.

Perhaps you could buy a bike and chase after Lance Armstrong to get his autograph?

Hopefully it will turn out to be written in invisible ink and you will learn a valuable lesson.

Well done Hibs!

Let’s get it right next time, Celtic!


Football Blogging Awards, Satire, Scottish Cup

The Scottish Cup Is Shite

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just received some very interesting results from The Clumpany labs.

Top Clumpany scientists have spent the past week undertaking some highly detailed analysis, and have produced conclusions that are sure to shake Hampden to its core and cause something of an existential crisis in much of Scottish football.

No, they haven’t proved that Stewart Regan left the SFA without depositing a lasting stain on Scotland’s national sport.

No, they haven’t demonstrated that the accompanying side letters of the late Rangers FC’s EBT scheme were entirely transparent. Yes, it was possible to see straight through them, but you had to find them first! And therein lay their problem!

And no, Clumpany scientists haven’t verified the hypothesis that ‘same club’ Rangers* is the world’s most successful club. In fact one of the lads in the lab had a Club biscuit during his tea break today, and remarked to his colleagues that “this is the best chocolate-based snack I have ever had”. So back in your box ‘Rangers’. That’s another Club which is way ahead of you in the success stakes…

Anyway, I digress….

The Clumpany labs had been testing the punditry surrounding this weekend’s Scottish Cup semi-finals.

Their first finding was not unexpected. It seems that Motherwell and Aberdeen don’t exist. 😉

The second finding was the truly earth-shattering one. It is that the Scottish Cup is actually a complete pile of shite.

Really stinky, festering, steaming shite.

Piled so high that it has altitude sickness.

The worst shite you can possibly imagine. Only even more shite than that.

They reached this conclusion using tons of evidence that the press pack can only discuss the merits and excitement of this weekend’s fixtures by using the term ‘Old Firm’, and by making repeated references to a dead club.

That’s right folks. The Scottish Cup is apparently so far beyond redemption, and rotting in the cesspit of ignominy, that apparently-sentient commentators have to lie about one of its participants to make it sound worthwhile or interesting!

What a sad situation for a venerable old competition to find itself in.


BTW while I am here, I would just like to confirm (not that anyone cares!) that I will not be soliciting votes in the Football Blogging Awards this year. Not will I be buying them, or hacking the server of the organisers!

I had two good runs, getting to the final of the ‘Best New Blog’ category on both occasions. I am not in the same league as the big-hitting blogs in various other categories, and frankly I don’t think I write enough these days to be worth consideration. Your readership and ongoing support are reward enough. [*Pause for you to vomit*].

Despite the excellent and always-stimulating competition, I shall be voting for m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ Phil Mac Giolla Bhain in the ‘Best International Football Blog’ category. Like or loathe him, Phil has ploughed a very impressive furrow for ten years without horses or agricultural machinery.

The overall Sevco narrative from his site remains compelling, repeatedly correct, and offers a very sharp contrast to the staring-at-shoes narrative of the mainstream media. Not least in calling out anti-Irish racism and piss-poor governance wherever it may be found.

And his blog is always a good place to savour the excellent word ‘stenographers’.

And if you need some motivation to cast your vote for Phil, take a look at this…

And especially this… 😉

Tanks And Other Reversing Things

I will also be voting for @FitbaTips in the Best Gambling Football Blog category. Mainly because I like their banter!

Details on how to vote are here.

Good luck to all the participants!


NB Remember folks, this is a postscript written in bold…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Statement From The Squirrel Party

Good Afternoon.

The following completely fictitious ‘statement’ has made its way to Clumpany Towers. I am publishing it for your information…


A Statement From The Squirrel Party

The Squirrel Party has had contact with a number of its members over the past few weeks. They have been concerned about the person who keeps coming into Rangers* games with the world’s biggest ghetto blaster and playing songs such as The Billy Boys, F*ck The Pope and Lisbon Lions Won’t See Ten-In-A-Row at such ear-shredding volume that it is easy to mistake it for the massed voices of over 40,000 people.

This shadowy anonymous figure is giving the haters and rabid agenda-driven politicians and journalists an excuse to criticise the exemplary behaviour of the most Loyal fans in the world. Fans who typically remain mute throughout games save for the occasional round of applause and twirling of their old-school football rattles.

We can confirm that we have written to the relevant authorities, politicians and journalists to put them in the picture about the mysterious owner of the ghetto blaster, who we are referring to as ‘Timmy’ in the hope of blame being deflected elsewhere in Glasgow.

We have also demanded an explanation from these reckless commentators who claim to have witnessed a presumably tiny minority of our fans tapping a single toe to the ghetto-blasted music. We have pointed out to these spiteful individuals that it is a natural human instinct to tap your toe to music, and therefore any effort to criticise Rangers* fans for doing so is nothing less than a disgraceful attempt to dehumanise them.

It has also come to our attention that elected politicians may seek to re-examine the concept of sectarianism and make recommendations about how it should be redefined in Scots law.

Let us be absolutely clear about this. Until we are certain that ‘Scot’ is not the mysterious owner of the ghetto blaster that is generating unfair criticism of Rangers* supporters, he has no place in making laws to hold them to account.

As an interim measure, we have suggested to the footballing authorities that if anyone is upset by the ghetto blaster then they should wear earplugs to matches.

We await further developments with concern. Meanwhile, The Squirrel Party will continue to do what it can, with very limited resources (*cough* only joking Mr King…), to tackle any unfair or malicious comments about our Loyal support and its occasional isolated instances of toe tapping.


Meanwhile, in other news…

Response To Public Comments Made About The Rangers* Support


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…