Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Handy Guide To The Latest Sevco Accounts

Good Evening.

Yes I know that the accounts published last week were those of RIFC, which is different to the engine room subsidiary once known as Sevco Scotland (or is it Sevco 5088?!).

I also know that RIFC is different to the ethereal ‘football club’ which UEFA will tell you is actually the legal entity once known as Sevco Scotland (or Sevco 5088?!), but NEVER to be mistaken for the club incorporated shortly before Queen Victoria passed away.

However, I wanted to refer to ‘Sevco’ in the title of this blog to cater for the possibility that Martin Williams might read this. And if he does, I would like him to note quite how much we are still laughing at his liquidation-denying Herald output.

Oh, and I also wanted to ask Martin if his fleet-footedness has yet secured him a gig with the Bolshoi Ballet. After all, if he can’t play a lead role in Swan Lake there must surely be an ironic bit-part for him as a dead-but-allegedly-still-living Norwegian Blue parrot.

Mustn’t there?

But I digress.

The main point of this attempted blog was simply to warn regular readers to continue to look out for a few potential pieces of misdirection which might cause them to think that all is well with the recent ‘Sevco’ accounts…

‘Turnover’ most certainly does not refer to what Sevco have done to Sports Direct in the courts.

‘Operating loss’ does not refer to a Glasgow surgeon who misplaced his Ibrox season book.

‘Going Concern warning’ is NOT an alert about an unreliable coach company.

‘Converting loans to equity’ does not imply a money-spinning convoluted player transfer to the actors’ trade union.

‘Concert party’ does not relate to a mistaken request from the Takeover Panel to borrow a box set of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum from Dave King.

‘Repaying the fans’ loyalty’ most certainly does not imply a refund.

I hope that clarifies matters.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Urgent Medical Problems

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the medical services of Scotland and all other places in which the SPFL is followed are standing by for an influx of people seeking urgent relief for a hitherto unexpected ailment.

This sudden and unprecedented demand looks set to to put the annual ‘winter flu crisis’ and indeed all past pandemics in the shade as folk swamp GP surgeries and A&E departments with their demands for medical attention. As such, The Clumpany is led to believe that domestic governmental agencies as well as the UN are making preparations to make emergency airdrops of supplies to a beleaguered population.

The Clumpany has also been informed that the heads of countless religions have informed local leaders to be on stand-by to assist those fans of Scottish football who may be seeking a miracle cure in the coming days.

The seriousness of this impending medical apocalypse cannot be underestimated. As such, The Clumpany implores to help anyone that you see in distress.

The signs will be easy to spot. Thousands and thousands of people will be grimacing and wailing following the sudden onset of terrible arthritis. Arthritis brought on by repeatedly shrugging their shoulders in complete indifference to the following news:

Stay strong everyone.

This important medical update has been brought to you in association with the Amalgamated Society of Split Sides Survivors and Refusers to Have Their Intelligence Insulted. 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football

Morons On An Equalities Awareness Course

Good Evening.

At a hypothetical equalities awareness course somewhere in Scotland. I’ll leave you to imagine who might have attended…


Course Facilitator: “And now we come to the module on anti-Irish racism.”

Attendees: [*Involuntary groan*]

Course Facilitator: “Sorry, is there a problem?”

Attendees: [*Stare at shoes*]

Course Facilitator: “We can’t proceed if you aren’t happy. What’s the matter?”

Attendee #1: “Surely you mean ‘sectarianism’?”

Course Facilitator: “No. I mean anti-Irish racism? Can you think of a better term for it?”

Attendee #2: “Yes I can. How about ‘intolerance’?”

Course Facilitator: “No. That doesn’t cover anti-Irish racism does it?”

Attendee #3: “Oh you mean ‘Ned behaviour’, don’t you?”

Course Facilitator: “No. This module specifically talks about anti-Irish racism. It’s actually quite a straightforward concept to understand.”

Attendee #4: “I’d call it ‘both sides being as bad as each other’.”

Course Facilitator: “What do you mean by ‘both sides as bad as each other’? If one of those sides is showing anti-Irish racism we can certainly discuss it. Just as we have already discussed other forms of racism. All racism is bad, horrendous for the victim, and corrosive to society.”

Attendee #4: “No, I just meant that one side being subjected to sectarianism may well be as bad as the other.”

Course Facilitator: “But we have already discussed sectarianism today. And now we are going to talk about anti-Irish racism which is entirely different.”

Attendee #5: “It’s all religious intolerance though isn’t it? You can’t be racist about the Irish and those who… err… pretend to be Irish can you?”

Course Facilitator: “I think you have just shown why this course is so important!”

Attendee #5: “Protestant versus Catholic. It’s been like this for centuries, and the bigotry needs to stop.”

Course Facilitator: “Well I cant argue with that as a general point of principle, but it is utterly irrelevant right now. We are here to talk about anti-Irish racism. Can anyone give me an example of anti-Irish racism to help us get into a proper discussion?”

Attendee #6: “How many examples do you want? There are hundreds of examples of sectarianism and bigotry that I could mention.”

Course Facilitator: “But we are not here to discuss sectarianism. Or bigotry. We are here to talk about anti-Irish racism.”

Attendee #7: “Does that even exist, or is it just an excuse for some people to play the victim?”

Attendee #8: “That’s a good point. We all know there’s still a problem with sectarianism and bigotry. And it needs to be stamped out.”

Course Facilitator: “So do I take it from this conversation that the group doesn’t think anti-Irish racism is an issue in Scotland?”

Attendee #9: “Is the Pope a Catholic?”

Attendees: [*Snigger*]

Attendee #10: “Look, I think this session is wasting our afternoon. I know you mean well, but isn’t it time for you to [*cough cough*] ‘go home’?”

Attendees: [*Laugh out loud*]



NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of exaggeration-based satire…

Neil Lennon, Scottish Football

Neil Lennon’s List Of Shame

Neil Lennon
Obligatory and entirely randomly-selected ‘angry Lennon’ picture…

Good Evening.

Here is a list of events, and an indication of the sorts of reactions they have variously produced over many years… [NB The quotes do not necessarily match the particular incident]

Northern Ireland captain Neil Lennon was forced to pull out of a match after receiving death threats.
“He brings it on himself”.

Two students were fined for an unprovoked attack on Celtic midfielder Neil Lennon.
“Lennon needs to take responsibility for his actions” .

Two men were jailed  for a “vicious, brutal and cowardly” attack on former Celtic captain Neil Lennon.
“Neil Lennon can’t seem to help himself”.

Neil Lennon – manager of Celtic – was sent bullets in the post.
“Lennon seems to go looking for trouble”.

Celtic manager Neil Lennon was physically attacked on the touchline at Tynecastle.
“The combative Irishman seems to revel in confrontation”.

Daily Record was forced to apologise after running the headline: “Who’s more hated at Ibrox – is it Lennon or the taxman?” before a Rangers vs Celtic game.
“Lennon seems to enjoy getting in people’s faces”.

A man who posted a picture of Neil Lennon covered in bullet wounds was sentenced to 14 months in prison.
“There is no need for the Irish Irishman to goad opposition fans. He is asking for trouble”.

Two men were found guilty of sending parcel bombs to Neil Lennon.
“He really does bring it on himself. He should try to be a role model”.

A man was found guilty of breach of the peace after posting online that Neil Lennon should be sent more bullets and bombs.
“Lennon needs to have a long hard think about why he keeps finding himself in this position.”

A man who tweeted that Neil Lennon should be killed was cleared of committing any offence.
“Lennon is incapable of restraining himself. He seems to enjoy being a hate figure”.

A Hearts fan hit the headlines after tweeting: “It’s definitely time for Neil Lennon to start receiving bullets and bombs in the post again”.
“The Irishy Irish Irishman Lennon makes himself a target with his attitude and conduct”.

Neil Lennon was hit by a coin during the Edinburgh derby and the following day ‘Hang Neil Lennon’ graffiti appeared on a wall near Tynecastle.
“Lennon had it coming and he loves playing the victim”.


Now, ask yourself this: is Neil Lennon the problem here?
Or is it twisted individuals, and a sport and society where intolerance of ‘Irish Catholics’ isn’t routinely seen as something shameful that needs to be tackled head on by the authorities, police, politicians, media commentators and every single person who claims to possess even a shred of humanity in their soul?
[NB Hat-tip to @Call_It_Out for posting the above list on Twitter]
Celtic, Hibernian, Neil Lennon, Scottish Football

In Defence Of Neil Lennon

Good Evening.

The title of this blog is a lie.
I have no defence of Neil Lennon to offer.
Do you know why?
Because no defence is required.
The familiar“he brings it on himself” argument is currently being deployed following a coin striking the Hibernian manager last night. This is – of course – a suggestion that has been repeatedly made following Neil Lennon receiving numerous threats through the post, and being abused and physically assaulted by the side of the pitch.
And it is utter bullsh*t of the highest order. No one deserves what Neil Lennon has had to endure over the years as a player or manager. Or indeed as a human being.
Let me just stop you there if you are about to claim that Neil Lennon celebrating or savouring a moment on a football pitch is somehow a justification for some or all of the abuse that he has been receiving for many years. Because there are no excuses for what Neil Lennon has had to put up with. His religion, nationality, footballing career and allegiances are utterly immaterial.
The facts are very simple. If you are abusing or threatening Neil Lennon as the coin-throwers, pitch-side assaulters, racism-shouters and device-senders have been doing for many years, then you are an absolute disgrace to the very concepts of humanity and morality. What’s more, you also embarrass whatever warped sense of superiority over Neil Lennon and his religion, ethnicity and footballing background that you somehow manage to cling to as you try to survive the modern world.
So let us be very clear. The ‘problem with Neil Lennon’ isn’t Neil Lennon’s problem at all.
It is the problem of the intolerant and the narrow minded.
Not that they have the intelligence or respect for their fellow man to realise this…
Media, Satire

Having Rangers’ Sh*t On Your Doorstep

Good Evening.

The Clumpany loves a bit of gossip about the Scottish sports media’s finest.

Here is a completely made up bit of ‘news’ which reached me from a contact at the Level Gutter agency.

Apparently the journalist in question has been having a bit of trouble with a neighbour’s dog. The neighbour is a Sevco fan and has a dog called ‘Rangers’. The neighbour says that it’s the same dog as the one which sadly passed away in 2012, but that’s not central to this particular blog.

The dog is – frankly – a bit hostile to everything, and not widely-liked in the neighbourhood, but it’s owner loves him.

Unfortunately, like it’s ‘same’ predecessor, it has a terrible habit of coming to the journalist’s house and sh*tting all over the doorstep.

Pretty much every day the hapless journalist steps outside, believing that everything will be OK after a previous unfortunate incident that is best forgotten… and then SQUELCH! The journalist treads in Rangers’ sh*t!

All day people catch a whiff of something that the journalist really ought to do something about. But no matter how many times it is pointed out to them they just carry on regardless, get up the following day and SQUELCH! The same things happens again.

Now, you might think that the journalist ought to deal with the issue of Rangers’ unrelenting defecation on their patch. But no. Apparently they have far more important matters to shout about!

Instead of advocating a cleansing of Rangers’ sh*t, they get strangely worked up about a cat sh*tting on a doorstep in a completely different neighbourhood, and a pigeon crapping in a foreign country.

Indeed they are often heard exclaiming that “It’s disgraceful that no one is cleaning up that mess and making sure it can never happen again”.

But for some unknown reason, Rangers’ sh*t is of absolutely no interest to them! Despite it actually sticking to their shoe every day.

Why on Earth could that be?

Let’s just hope that our canine friend ‘Rangers’ doesn’t come back to bite the journalist on the arse!

Woof woof!


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, SPFL

Celtic’s Complacency Trap

Good Evening.

Celtic are an absolute shoe-in to win the league this and every season, aren’t they? And the evidence of the past two campaigns suggests that if they get themselves organised they can win a cup or two most years.

With their financial resources, top boardroom executives, quality manager, massive fan base, large stadium and talented players, no other side in Scotland can hope to compete over the course of a season.

Celtic are bound for 10-in-a-row and beyond, and the only point of interest each season is if they can negotiate the banana skin-laden endurance test of the Champions League qualification marathon.

These are great times for Celtic, as the club reaps the rewards of years of sustainable building, by having an operation and cash which absolutely dwarfs the minnow-like domestic opposition.

Woo hoo!

The above is the sort of view that is easy to adopt – either consciously and arrogantly, or subconsciously (perhaps because you have never known or have forgotten hard footballing times). And to a large degree it is quite a rational point of view to hold when you look at financial statistics, player transfers and wages, and results on the pitch over the past few years.

But it is a view that is absolute b*llocks of the highest order.

Worse than that, it is downright dangerous. Because it leads to people taking their eye off the ball, becoming complacent, and not doing everything they can to maximise the resources at their disposal.

And that way lies the path to defeat. Perhaps even deserved defeat. It leads to the loss of titles and humiliation As well as the potential loss of access to Champions League football.

“Surely Celtic could never fall into that trap?'” I hear you ask. “And even if they did start losing games they have enough to keep winning the title every year, don’t they?”.

Well, it’s too early to say that they are falling into that trap. However, you only have to look at

  • the club’s transfer activity over the summer,
  • some truly limp performances domestically and in Europe; and
  • the sometimes obvious unhappiness of the manager and his sudden diminished ability to fire up the team and win tactical battles week in and week out
  • …to wonder if some sort of rot is setting in.
  • Can anyone observing Celtic over the past few months honestly say that the club – from boardroom to football pitch – looks hungry enough? Does it look as though every sinew is being strained to maximise the on-pitch outcome while not stupidly imperilling the balance sheet?

    I would say that it doesn’t look like that. The root of all of this is open to debate.

    It could be the board’s failure to properly back the manager, it could be the manager suddenly finding he has taken the squad he largely inherited as far as he can and is devoid of miracle-working ideas, or it could be players not having the drive or tactics to ‘go again’ and demolish better-organised opponents for yet another season.

    Whatever the case, the Celtic FC we see on the pitch most games is not the Celtic FC that should be out there with the energy, quality, drive, creativity and perseverance to win and keep on winning in a variety of ways week after week.

    Victories and titles have to be earned no matter how big or good you are. They require everyone to be pulling in the same direction, maximising every strength and minimising every weakness. Every season should be seen as a fresh start and every game should be seen as a renewed challenge. NOTHING should ever be taken for granted if you want to be Champions.

    I am not sure the Celtic FC of 2018-19 is operating in this way. Yet.

    So I end this attempted blog with two questions for the Celtic board, manager, staff and players:

    1. How badly do you want to win the SPFL Premiership (and hopefully the cups) this season?
    2. How are you going to maximise your chances of doing so each and every day?

    If all concerned are not able to answer these questions by singing from the same hymn sheet, then some senior folk perhaps need to think about walking away sooner rather than later.