Celtic, Scottish Football, Sevco

An End-Of-Year Rant

Good Evening.

I would just to take this opportunity to wish the eternally patient readers of this increasingly intermittent blog a very happy New Year.

Personally, The Clumpany goes into the New Year feeling somewhat downbeat.

Heaven knows what 2019 is going to bring. The looming spectre of Brexit seems like a particularly dangerous and unnecessary leap into the dark/ abyss, which could have all manner of highly unfortunate consequences.

Then again it might deliver a bright new future with jam for tea for everyone.

🤔

😂😂😂

From a footballing perspective, Celtic’s erratic form is a worry. Especially as some of it is self-inflicted courtesy of a very poor approach to transfers over the summer. And of course, as I explained previously, no one can ever be happy about losing a game to the sporting and societal embarrassment that is Sevco FC.

However, such concerns can be easily offset by Celtic’s unprecedented run of trophy winning success over the past two years, the club’s position at the top of the league, the prospect of post-Christmas European football, and the opportunity to put things right in the January transfer window.

No, the reason I feel a bit downbeat about football at the moment is the intensifying barrage of paedophile-related f*ckwittery that can be seen and heard in Premiership grounds and across all social media platforms. Notably in places where Sevco fans happen to be in attendance.

I’ve made my views about this issue very clear on previous occasions, most comprehensively in the below blog, where I stated without ambiguity that anyone responsible for child abuse or for covering it up should be brought before the courts and subjected to due process. No ifs, no buts, and no excuses.

A Blog About Child Abuse

No one in their right mind could argue with the sentiments of that piece.

However, folk with few morals and no respect for other people still often think it is hilarious to ignore the feelings of victims and their families, and to forget about the right of people to a fair trial.

What sort of absolute scum spends their free time making a banner to point-score about child abuse, and to attack a dead man who never faced sanctions and who obviously cannot defend himself? How disgusting would you have to be to use people’s suffering as a means of making a jibe?

You can imagine such roasters arriving home after a game:

Billie: “Hi Billy. How was the match?”

Billy: “Brilliant love. Trampled all over the memory of a dead man, upset his living relatives and hopefully gave some child abuse victims flashbacks!”

Billie: “Sounds great Billy? What was the score?”

Billy: “No idea Billie. But I put the tarrier paedo filth in their place with my banner!”

Is there any hope for these people? Or for a better atmosphere at games? [NB Yes I know that no fan base is perfect – to put it mildly. And there is (for example) a list of songs sung by Celtic supporters that the game could do without hearing again.]

I don’t hold out much hope.

Nor do I expect the scourge of anti-Irish racism to disappear from our game any time soon.

It increasingly seems that songs about ‘going home’ and ‘Fenian blood’ can be sung by large numbers of people with impunity and with little or no resulting condemnation from those who really ought to know better.

Strict liability would be one way of combatting anti-Irish racism in Scottish football. Assuming that those designing and enforcing the rules could agree that anti-Irish racism exists, and then had acute enough hearing to actually notice it being sung by thousands of people.

[*Pause for tumbleweed*]

However, as I have said before, I see no point in trying to impose strict liability in Scottish football until such time as we can be confident that it would be enforced consistently. Sadly, even a cursory look at player disciplinary cases and still-recent innovations such as ‘conditional membership’ and ‘imperfect registration’ suggest that the rule book in Scottish football can be a highly moveable feast.

In that context, why on Earth should clubs put more power to selectively impose sanctions in the hands of the authorities at Hampden?

However even if we don’t have strict liability, anti-Irish racism can still be identified, called out and addressed by individual clubs, politicians, the police, the press, and those who have publicly taken it upon themselves to combat racism in football.

All of these groups have questions to answer about their approach to anti-Irish racism and I encourage you to ask them about it when you get the opportunity.

On which note, I see there has been a good deal of online commentary of late about the position of Show Racism The Red Card Scotland in relation to anti-Irish racism (as opposed to other forms of racism). As such I will sign off by restating the questions that I asked of them on Twitter yesterday:

I wish you all the very best for 2019. May your Buckie always come with bleach.

Happy New Year!

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

How To Celebrate A Sevco Victory

Good Evening.

Overheard in a pub a short while ago. Possibly.

Celtic fan #1: “F*ck me. That’s embarrassing. Shocking from Celtic. I can’t believe we lost to the new club. What the f*ck has the board been playing at? And what about the manager and players? Do they think that’s acceptable?”

Celtic fan #2: “I know mate. Disgraceful stuff. The pressure is on now to sort the side out for the rest of the season.”

Celtic fan #3: “Aye, we are still top, we won the League Cup and we are still in Europe, but FFS we will never hear the end of it. Lawwell and Rodgers better get things sorted for the rest of the season.”

Meanwhile, over in another corner of the pub, the chat is also all about football… 😉

Sevco fan #1: “F*cking brilliant. We showed those b*stard paedo Tarrier f*ckers why they should go home!”

Sevco fan #2 “Spot on. Fenian b*stards. They are a f*cking stain on society. We showed them. Dave King is definitely bringing us 55. They won’t be able to handle it. The smelly mhanky bheasts!”

Sevco fan #3 “Well said mate. We are The People and they are sub f*cking human. This is our country and they should know their place! The Gaffer is going to be a legend when he delivers 55! F*ck Brenda Rodgers”

Sevco fan #1: “Brenda? F*cking brilliant mate! The Tarriers don’t have banter like that!”

And in a reserved area of the pub there were a few Scottish football journalists…

Journo #1: “Fantastic game yesterday. Brilliant result! It’s like David Murray never left Ibrox!”

Journo #2: “Usually I pretend he hasn’t! But yeah, it’s absolutely f*cking fantastic!” [*Rubs self uncomfortably*]

Journo #3: “Are you OK mate? Only you look like you are in pain.”

Journo #2: “Well I overdid the celebrations yesterday.”

Journo #3: “How do you mean? You are rubbing your [*cough*] groin area FFS!”

Journo #2: “Aye well I might have accidentally rubbed all the skin off my c*ck in the excitement.”

Journo #1: “F*ck, I’m glad it’s not just me! I’ve been in agony all day, but have been trying to hide it!”

Journo #2: “Good to know you are on board! How about you pal? Any chafing after the big win?”

Journo #3: “Bloody hell. Some of us have been around long enough to still have our Rangers* 9-in-a-row lubricant when required. It’s all about keeping your dignity. No chafing or blisters here. And look how smooth my hands are as well…”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of (admittedly tasteless) satirical fun…

Celtic

RIP Celtic Football Club 2016-18

Good Evening.

Let’s be clear about something. No one in their right mind wants to see a football ‘club’ or fan base that laughs in the face of 276 creditors, and every single tax payer in the United Kingdom be successful.

No one wants to see triumphs going to a ‘football club’ or fan base for whom rules and insolvency laws are a moveable feast as long as a junkie-like craving to wallow in a baseless superiority complex is satisfied.

And no one with a shred of decency in them wants to see people who revel in gloating about child abuse or a famine enjoy any sort of happiness in their lives.

Moreover, no one with any sentience in their brain or regard for the very notions of rational thought and the written or spoken word wants to see the liquidation-denying charlatans of the Scottish sports media – who would rather utter pandering ‘Rangers’ shite than touch an actual story – enjoying themselves.

But fair play to them and Sevco. Their lads won yesterday.

It happens.

I suspect they will all now go forward and become even worse than ever. Their long-established ability to suck the life out of our national sport, society and public discourse intensifying as they sniff an opportunity to continue harming football and the world around them while ultimately ensuring their own long-term disappointment and irrelevance.

Let’s take a moment to pity them, and then leave them to it.

As for Celtic, yesterday ended the first phase of the Brendan Rodgers era in no uncertain terms. It looked finished after the club’s shambolic exit from the Champions League qualifiers a few months ago, following an utterly inexcusable transfer window. However, Rodgers and the players brilliantly pulled themselves together. The club currently sits at the top of the league with a game in hand, a record-equalling trophy in the cabinet and post-Christmas European football to come.

As noted philosopher Roy Walker might say: “it’s good, but it’s not right”. The Celtic that won a double Treble and then a further trophy has run out of road. As Rodgers rightly stated yesterday, it is time to hit the reset button.

New players and a shake up are required. And that includes Brendan taking a long hard look at his selections and tactics, but more importantly the board asking themselves [*sigh*] again, if they are really doing all they can to back a very high quality manager who is enjoying an unprecedented streak of success.

It’s time to consign the seven successive trophies to the past. An augmented and rejuvenated new Celtic needs to start afresh after the winter break.

No excuses and no messing about Celtic. Get it done.

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Sevco

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

>>>>>>

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Careless hack given “mother of all b*llockings” by furious top brass at famous Scottish paper.

By A.N. Absolute-Disgrace.

One of Scotland’s most prominent journalists was left shaken last night after his boss threatened to sack him over an unfortunate mistake in his preview of the upcoming Old Firm-tastic Old Firm fixture.

The journalist concerned – who is well known as an Old Firm fan – is also understood to be fearing ostracism by his colleagues (unless of course they have an emu rather than an ostrich).

A source close to the usually tight-knit (OK yes they do actually wear polyester rather than wool) newsroom spoke to us on condition of anonymity (not that we have heard of them). They exclusively revealed the sorry tale which looks set to destroy the credibility of the legendary football scribe.

“I still can’t believe it”, said our eyewitness. “The journo submitted his piece, and put his coat on to leave for the day, when suddenly the editor…What do you mean? Yes of course we have editors. You don’t think we just produce our articles like a misfiring arse pebbledashes a bathroom wall do you?

“Oh you do… Anyway, the editor suddenly stormed into the open plan and literally dragged the journalist into a meeting room. He slammed him against the wall and started yelling at him. I’ve never heard swearing like it. Well not since some of my pals discovered that a debenture at Ibrox had nothing to do with the club but only with the liquidated COMPANY!”

Our shocked insider continued. “In between all the foul language we could make out that the journalist had submitted an Old Firm article the day before an Old Firm game which contained some words that were neither ‘Old’ nor ‘Firm’. What a schoolboy error!

“You go through all that Traynoring and also get some qualifications, and what do you do? You stupidly write an Old Firm article in Old Firm week that has words in it like ‘a’, ‘is’, to’ and ‘and’, which take up valuable space that could have been filled with ‘Old Firm’. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, apparently he also put some adjectives and – FFS – verbs in the piece as if they were going out of fashion.”

Shaking his head and eyeing up a potential future promotion opportunity, our source added: “How the hell does he expect to keep his job and maintain the respect of the rest of the press pack if he’s going to undermine our hard-won reputation by not writing articles that solely consist of the words ‘Old Firm’ in the week of an Old Firm-a-licious Old Firm game?”

The guilty hack has been warned not to repeat his grave error of judgement on pain of instant dismissal, and he has also been instructed to complete some mandatory re-Traynoring.

“Hopefully he’ll be OK” said our insider. “He’s been told he must write 10,000 lines of ‘I must always mention Old Firm’ on a blackboard.

“I just hope he has the brains to leave out the ‘I must always mention…’ part. Otherwise the boss will think he’s REALLY taking the p*ss.

“The boss doesn’t want to see anything other than ‘Old Firm’ in the sports pages.

“Ever”.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Clumpany Matters, Media, Scottish Football

The Christmas List

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Good Evening.

It would be remiss of The Clumpany not to take time out from an evening of mulled Buckie and Bleach to wish you all a very happy Christmas.

I can’t spend too long writing as my pal Alan is due to pop round and I haven’t seen him in ages…

Alan says he’ll bring round some of his famous Utterly Mince Pies. They are made from genuine Evening Shark-Jump articles.

He will also bring a small handful of hand-crafted ‘Daily Record Sevco peanuts’. Produced in Edinburgh, all eleven of them are a-salted by Hibs fans. 😉

We’ll be keeping an eye out for Santa and hoping he doesn’t get grounded by drones. He should be OK though given that Sportsound is currently off air.

My Christmas list is pretty short this year. It begs for a merciful release for Scottish football from the professional trolling of Sky Sports. I mean, who in their right mind would ever contemplate putting Boyd, Commons and McCann in the same studio in the name of either entertainment or analysis? It has to be an elaborate practical joke, doesn’t it? And how hard can it be to tell the difference between Dundee and Dundee United? One of them is an embarrassment to Dundee and the other is… err…

Oh. 😉

I’d quite like to see Peter Lawwell separated from his cheque book and locked in the toilet for the entire duration of the next transfer window. He’ll be able to freely sh*t himself at the prospect of actual money being spent on players, but he won’t be able to interfere in the recruitment process.

I hear Dave King has asked for a new pair of boots and 19 million cans to be delivered outside the Court of Session so he can indulge his favourite pastime of kicking them down the road until the end of time. I also hear that the Takeover Panel has had an interdict slapped on the elves who make presents so Dave might have to borrow other people’s cans and boots. There’s a first time for everything I suppose.

I don’t know what Mike Ashley wants for Christmas, but I do know that he’s having Christmas dinner with his legal team, and the traditional jokes in his Christmas crackers have been replaced by pictures of the new Sevco shop. Apparently the assembled QC’s think it’s the funniest thing they have ever seen.

Right, I need to go, but before I do let’s hope that Keith Jackson gets something nice for Christmas

If the above tweet is his Christmas list then I fear Keith is going to be disappointed. Santa previously brought him TWO Sevcos (5088 and Scotland) and he now denies they ever arrived! Santa doesn’t like having his generosity thrown back in his face.

And before anyone at the Record dares to suggest that Santa isn’t real, let me reassure them that he is…

Have a great Christmas with those nearest and dearest to you. But if Christmas isn’t easy for you, may you get through it as best you can and go forward into better times.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Handy Guide To The Latest Sevco Accounts

Good Evening.

Yes I know that the accounts published last week were those of RIFC, which is different to the engine room subsidiary once known as Sevco Scotland (or is it Sevco 5088?!).

I also know that RIFC is different to the ethereal ‘football club’ which UEFA will tell you is actually the legal entity once known as Sevco Scotland (or Sevco 5088?!), but NEVER to be mistaken for the club incorporated shortly before Queen Victoria passed away.

However, I wanted to refer to ‘Sevco’ in the title of this blog to cater for the possibility that Martin Williams might read this. And if he does, I would like him to note quite how much we are still laughing at his liquidation-denying Herald output.

Oh, and I also wanted to ask Martin if his fleet-footedness has yet secured him a gig with the Bolshoi Ballet. After all, if he can’t play a lead role in Swan Lake there must surely be an ironic bit-part for him as a dead-but-allegedly-still-living Norwegian Blue parrot.

Mustn’t there?

But I digress.

The main point of this attempted blog was simply to warn regular readers to continue to look out for a few potential pieces of misdirection which might cause them to think that all is well with the recent ‘Sevco’ accounts…

‘Turnover’ most certainly does not refer to what Sevco have done to Sports Direct in the courts.

‘Operating loss’ does not refer to a Glasgow surgeon who misplaced his Ibrox season book.

‘Going Concern warning’ is NOT an alert about an unreliable coach company.

‘Converting loans to equity’ does not imply a money-spinning convoluted player transfer to the actors’ trade union.

‘Concert party’ does not relate to a mistaken request from the Takeover Panel to borrow a box set of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum from Dave King.

‘Repaying the fans’ loyalty’ most certainly does not imply a refund.

I hope that clarifies matters.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Urgent Medical Problems

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the medical services of Scotland and all other places in which the SPFL is followed are standing by for an influx of people seeking urgent relief for a hitherto unexpected ailment.

This sudden and unprecedented demand looks set to to put the annual ‘winter flu crisis’ and indeed all past pandemics in the shade as folk swamp GP surgeries and A&E departments with their demands for medical attention. As such, The Clumpany is led to believe that domestic governmental agencies as well as the UN are making preparations to make emergency airdrops of supplies to a beleaguered population.

The Clumpany has also been informed that the heads of countless religions have informed local leaders to be on stand-by to assist those fans of Scottish football who may be seeking a miracle cure in the coming days.

The seriousness of this impending medical apocalypse cannot be underestimated. As such, The Clumpany implores to help anyone that you see in distress.

The signs will be easy to spot. Thousands and thousands of people will be grimacing and wailing following the sudden onset of terrible arthritis. Arthritis brought on by repeatedly shrugging their shoulders in complete indifference to the following news:

Stay strong everyone.

This important medical update has been brought to you in association with the Amalgamated Society of Split Sides Survivors and Refusers to Have Their Intelligence Insulted. 😉

#KeepOnS̶c̶o̶p̶e̶Clumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…