Gerrard, Media, Satire

Steven Gerrard Begs For Walter Smith’s Help

Good Evening.

I am sure that I haven’t read this in an attempted newspaper somewhere…

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Steven Gerrard Begs For Walter’s Help

The Champions League-winning Champions League winner has probably indicated that he would break every bone in his body with an iron bar for the chance to benefit from the unique Rangers*-tastic insights that Walter Smith could offer.

By A. Tired-Formula.

Steven Gerrard suggested yesterday that he would be looking to benefit from the tremendous experience and coaching brilliance of one of his predecessors* as Rangers* manager.

The legendary Liverpool legend has made a lightening-fast start to his Ibrox tenure by signing more players than you can shake a stick at while shouting “are those really the sort of players he expected to be recruiting?”

Now Gerrard seems set to seek advice from one of the all-time Ibrox managerial greats as he moulds his squad into a hopefully all-conquering force.

When repeatedly asked a series of leading questions which always got the right response from his predecessors, Gerrard said “Ah you want me to play up the Rangersness of what I am doing.

“You want me to say that Walter Smith is an absolute legend at this club* and I will be seeking his advice as we prepare for the new season.

“Well, I am happy to say that sort of thing if it helps.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, as a Liverpool fan I loved what he did at Everton. I have absolutely massive respect for what he achieved there. I’ve never laughed so long and hard in all my life!

“I’ve no real opinion on how Walter – you do like to use his first name don’t you – got on at Rangers*. But I’ve been told by the club Traynor that the mere mention of his name makes your lives easier, and appeals to your alleged readers.

“So yes, I’d love to speak to Walter about managing Rangers*. I might even bring a few old Everton season review videos for us to watch together. It’ll be magic.”

When asked about Gerrard’s comments, a Sevco fan uttered the words “Ah Walter…”, drooled for several hours, and became so misty-eyed that their optician issued a weather-warning.

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Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire

The Worst Book I’ve Never Read

Title: The Squad

Author: Phil Mac Giolla Bhain

Genre: Thriller

Publisher: Frontline Noir

Available at: frontlinenoir.com/online-store/

Help other online shoppers by entering your review and rating below.

Review by ‘1690CrushTheFenianBastards’

I haven’t read this book and I won’t be funding sectarian bigoted terrorist-loving Rangers-hating scum by buying this disgusting affront to the written word.

Phil ten-names has no business writing a book. He should be f*cking off to the furthest outpost of Fuck Off-dom and living in the republican slums of Obsessedville.

Like I say, I haven’t read it, but the title ‘The Squad’ tells you all you need to know about it. Another obsessed attack on the World’s Most Successful Club. And this time he’s slandering our squad-building like the terrified tarrier Tim he is. You can practically smell the fear at the cash Dave King is spending to destroy the Filth in the crumbling Paedo Dome.

And look at that cover. That’s clearly a gun that should have been decommissioned beyond use. But there Phil is literally violating the Good Friday Agreement before our very eyes. The bastard.

Stevie G is here for 55 and ill Phil can’t hack it. So he has to whine about the strength of our squad and lie about us being in financial trouble. He should look closer to home and worry about the Scum being found out over State Aid and lying about the state of their stadium.

Tick tock Phil.

As I said above, I haven’t read this book, but I’ve never seen such a desperate pile of shite in all my life. It’s a flagrant attack on our club which is driven by jealousy and spite. I hope every single member of The Squad at Rangers sues Phil’s Fenian arse for every bheggar euro he has.

Do not buy this book. It’s fucking awful. And do not read it. I didn’t read it and I am much happier for doing so. As you can see from the above.

I give this book no fucking stars.

By the way, thanks to my mate Clever Billy for providing the long words in this review.

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#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Sevco

A Holiday With Club Sevco

Good Evening.

Having seen some recent sun-drenched, pre-season, Sevco-chasing reports from the Scottish football media’s finest, The Clumpany is delighted to be able to bring you an exclusive holiday offer in association with Flights of Fancy Ltd.

Flying out from Glasgow, you will land in southern Spain and stay in an entirely inconsequential hotel for the duration of your visit. All you will need to know is that Stevie G and the Hitherto-Unknown World-Beating Rangers* Signings Who Are Here To Steal Celtic’s Crown are training somewhere nearby.

This exclusive ‘all dignity in doubt’ holiday will provide you with access to the Rangers* squad which is training ahead of the upcoming SPFL season. This access will give you a fantastic opportunity to drool over the signing of players that you have never heard of, and will allow you to ask the Rangers* manager or his PR representative if they would like to tickle your tummy.

The luxury break will include access to a vintage ‘David Murray Era’ grill, upon which you can prepare some especially-succulent lamb without undertaking any self-reflection whatsoever.

We feel sure that this opportunity will delight you, if no one else.

The holiday also includes permanent membership of the Dignity-a-Go-Go night spot in which you can dance around a series of uncomfortable liquidation-denying truths without ever being held to account.

We feel sure that Stevie G will appreciate your mindless interest in the affairs of Club Sevco, and we believe that Chairman Dave King will enjoy your acceptance of any PR spin that you are able to embrace.

This amazing holiday offer is available at the exclusive discounted rate of your self-respect and the unrelenting mirth of those around you.

Book now^ to ensure the profound disappointment of your nearest and dearest.

^Offer open only to Scottish sports journalists. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a satire on the unique ‘pleasures’ of Scottish football.

Gerrard, Media, Satire

Steven Gerrard’s Shocking Discovery

Good Afternoon.

Possibly not appearing in an attempted newspaper any time soon…

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“Witchcraft!” Cry Rangers* Fans As Gerrard Shocks Glasgow.

The Rangers* manager made a remarkable discovery during his first day in Glasgow and now the Light Blue legions are building bonfires upon which to burn witches.

By B. Magic

Scottish football had already been rocked by the arrival of the Champions League-winning Champions League winner, but it is Gerrard’s activities away from the training ground that may yet prove to have the biggest impact.

On his very first day in Glasgow, the legendary Liverpool legend stepped out to sample the city’s entertainment and went to the ‘pictures’ at a secret venue.

The secret venue is known only to a select few as well as the many people milling around outside who saw Gerrard going in and asking his associate “is this the secret venue?”.

However the ‘secret’ venue is now likely to find itself firmly ‘on the map’ after what then transpired while the Rangers* manager was at the ‘pictures’.

Around 20 minutes after he went in, a screaming Gerrard was seen slowly fleeing the secret venue with all the pace he could muster. His words were unmistakeable

“What the f*ck is this sorcery? Moving pictures?! Moving. F*cking* Pictures. It’s witchcraft!”

Stopped by a concerned Rangers* fan, a hyperventilating Gerrard breathlessly explained that the pictures had started to move, and they even began to talk to him.

“He was in a right state” said the fan. “And I am spooked myself. Talking and moving pictures? What the hell is going on? Burn the witch responsible! BURN THEM!”

He continued, “Stevie G managed to gather himself enough to call someone to come and pick him up, but you could see he was still highly distressed and shaking his head as he got into the car. I am sure I heard him say ‘there must be some sort of evil curse on this city’ just before he sped away.'”

This shocking scene was only the beginning. Word of Gerrard’s shocking revelation spread like wildfire, and soon the stunned Ibrox fan base took to the street demanding that witches with the power to animate pictures be rounded up and punished in an appropriate manner. “Let’s go! Burn the witches!” was the deafening cry which filled the air.

In other news, Rangers,* latest bargain basement buy is said by the club’s spokesperson to be “an absolute wizard on the pitch”.

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Meanwhile…

Steven Gerrard pops into secret plush cinema in Glasgow

#KeepOnClumping

Clumpany Matters, World Cup

If I Had A Pound…

Good Afternoon.

If I had a pound for every time Neymar fell to the ground during a game at the World Cup I would do the following with the proceeds…

Build a state-of-the-art lab somewhere on the outskirts of Glasgow. Perhaps on some derelict land that needs expensive remedial work to bring it back into use following decades of industrial use. For good measure I would landscape it nicely and create a wee park for local families to enjoy.

I would then employ top biologists and geneticists who would run a no-expense-spared breeding programme (Jurassic Park-style) to produce a flock of dodos.

But not just any dodos. These would be flying dodos.

I would fly them over to Russia on a private jet I had bought just for the occasion, wining and dining them throughout.

Next I would hire agents to break into President Putin’s residence and steal a selection of his shirts.

The shirts would be given to the world’s finest seamstresses who had also been flown in for the occasion and put up in top hotels.

The needle-wielding marvels would set to work to produce a long banner stitched together with 24 carat golden thread.

The banner would then be tied to the backsides of the dodos, who would then receive a motivational talk from a gathering of the world’s political and religious leaders*, who I had also jetted in and checked into various penthouse suites. [* Not you Trump]

Suitably energised, the dodos would take off, accompanied by a 400 gun salute (carefully aimed not to shoot down the birds.)

The dodos – who would be wearing special eye-catching commemorative diamond-encrusted scarves around their necks – would then fly in the direction of Brazil’s latest World Cup game and display the banner before the watching millions:

“For fuck’s sake, get up Neymar. You are taking the piss.”

THAT’S what I would do…

And I would still have some money left over to paint the Moon in green and white hoops as a salute to Scotland’s double treble winners.

#KeepOnClumping
NB Don’t forget to back England to win the World Cup…

English Football, World Cup

England Will Win The World Cup

Good Evening.

Here is a transcript of the TV punditry which followed England’s victory over Tunisia in the World Cup last night.

Possibly. 😉

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Presenter: “Well chaps, what did you make of that jaw-dropping England performance?”

Pundit 1: “Well I don’t have the vocab, vocab, vocab… words to describe it to be honest. That was the best performance over 20 hours of football I have ever seen.”

Pundit 2 “I have to correct you there. The game only lasted 90 minutes but I saw 25 hours of mind blowing football.”

Pundit 3: “That’s right. There are no easy games in this league. But England made it look easy. Especially so as they had to make it look easy in a game that wasn’t actually part of a league. It was a magnificent display by the lads. We could go on and win this World Cup. It will be like 1966 all over again, only in 20, 20, 20… ah whatever year it is “

Presenter: “I think it’s 2018. But let me ask you, do you really think England could go on and win the World Cup having seen them annihilate Tunisia 2-1?”

Pundit 1: “There’s no doubt about it. That wasn’t a 2-1 game. That was a 20-0 game. We were talking about 1966 a minute ago and you could see the spirit of ’66 in the way we played tonight’s game under the Twin Towers and beat West Germany 4-2.”

Pundit 2 “Spot on. The elaborate set may have been made to look like Russia in 2018, and the opposition may have dressed up as Tunisia, but that England team was clearly winning the World Cup in front of the Queen tonight. Alf Ramsey must be certain to get a knighthood after that.”

Pundit 3: “I can’t argue with that. England were so creative that they should get a win bonus from the Arts Council.”

Presenter: “I think we can all agree that it was an astonishing display by an England team that perhaps no one fancied before the start of the tournament. How do you think the rest of the teams at the World Cup would have felt about it?”

Pundit 1: “They’ll be bricking it. And shitting themselves. Great big bricks of quivering shit will be dropping out of their terrified arses.”

Pundit 2 “You can smell the fear. And you can smell their clothes. Because they are covered in shit expelled from their frightened backsides.”

Pundit 3: “I couldn’t agree more. Russia, or Wembley, or wherever this is, is going to be an absolute dream come true for toilet roll manufacturers. Never have so many professional footballers been soiling themselves as England’s rivals are at this World Cup.”

Presenter: “Is there anyone in particular you would like to pick out as England’s Man of the Match tonight?” “

Pundit 1: “Bobby Charlton. No question.”

Pundit 2 “Henry V. As we were saying earlier, there are no easy games, and what that lad did playing as an attacking sweeper at Agincourt was second to none.”

Pundit 3: “I can’t just pick one player because they were all amazing. But if you are twisting my arm I’ll go for Bananarama. Robert De Niro has clearly been waiting for an England performance like that, and he won’t have been disappointed!”

Presenter: “Thanks chaps. Well, what a night for England, football and every single electron in every single atom in the Universe! That’s all we’ve got time for now, but do remember to press the red button, where you will be able to see a small piece of rubber descend into the remote control and then pop out again. You will need that sort of entertainment to keep you on the level after tonight’s world-beating England display! Goodnight.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in 1966 anymore.

Gerrard, Media, Satire, Sevco

Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff

Good Evening.

Probably appearing in all newspapers in the coming days…

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Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff At Rangers*

The Kop-tastic Kop Legend will do stuff at Rangers* according to our carefully selected and on-message vacuous pundits.

By A. Space-Filler

New Rangers* manager Steven ‘That Night In Istanbul’ Gerrard will do various unspecified things that will help the Ibrox side to play football. Maybe.

That is the shocking verdict of various People with absolutely no meaningful insight to offer when we phoned and asked them to make positive noises to fill column inches and sell a feel-good fable to the Rangers* fans.

However, the most astonishing news – which will surely strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players – is the confidence of one former Rangers legend that “Aye, Rangers* will be looking to get a bit closer this season”.

Gerrard has wasted no time in signing players that had absolutely nothing to do with him, and this gives one former player (who unexpectedly cited ‘self-respect’ in agreeing his pre-scripted anonymous ‘quote’) supreme confidence that the Liverpool Kop-licious legend is on to a winner.

“Look at the exciting start Gerrard has made at Rangers* ” said the ex-pro. “He’s doing stuff. And that can only be a good thing. Can I leave your paper to say stuff like ‘back to where they belong’? Only I am due to play golf this afternoon and need to get going.”

This startling perspective was endorsed by another former footballer who pleaded with us to “keep my name off this shite”.

“Say what you like about him. PLEASE! Just don’t say I helped you with it! But Stevie G – that’s the sort of affected familiarity you are looking for, isn’t it? – Stevie G didn’t get where he is today without trying to do stuff.

“And I am sure that he will do stuff at Rangers*.

“Brendan Rodgers is probably sitting there now thinking ‘Stevie G – he’ll be managing Rangers* next season’.

“That’s the sort of impact you are looking for when hiring Stevie G. You are looking for people to say ‘I see they have appointed Stevie G.’

“And in those terms, you can only say that the Rangers* board has played an absolute blinder by getting Stevie G in.”

This overwhelming endorsement was confirmed by the views of Rangers* fans who participated in our exclusive online poll yesterday. 100% of them said YES they DO believe that Steven Gerrard will do stuff at Rangers* this season.

When asked about the results of our survey and the views of our sources, a Rangers* spokesperson said “Bring me Solo and the Wookie… errr… well done, that’s just the sort of narrative we were hoping for.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…