Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Handy Guide To The Latest Sevco Accounts

Good Evening.

Yes I know that the accounts published last week were those of RIFC, which is different to the engine room subsidiary once known as Sevco Scotland (or is it Sevco 5088?!).

I also know that RIFC is different to the ethereal ‘football club’ which UEFA will tell you is actually the legal entity once known as Sevco Scotland (or Sevco 5088?!), but NEVER to be mistaken for the club incorporated shortly before Queen Victoria passed away.

However, I wanted to refer to ‘Sevco’ in the title of this blog to cater for the possibility that Martin Williams might read this. And if he does, I would like him to note quite how much we are still laughing at his liquidation-denying Herald output.

Oh, and I also wanted to ask Martin if his fleet-footedness has yet secured him a gig with the Bolshoi Ballet. After all, if he can’t play a lead role in Swan Lake there must surely be an ironic bit-part for him as a dead-but-allegedly-still-living Norwegian Blue parrot.

Mustn’t there?

But I digress.

The main point of this attempted blog was simply to warn regular readers to continue to look out for a few potential pieces of misdirection which might cause them to think that all is well with the recent ‘Sevco’ accounts…

‘Turnover’ most certainly does not refer to what Sevco have done to Sports Direct in the courts.

‘Operating loss’ does not refer to a Glasgow surgeon who misplaced his Ibrox season book.

‘Going Concern warning’ is NOT an alert about an unreliable coach company.

‘Converting loans to equity’ does not imply a money-spinning convoluted player transfer to the actors’ trade union.

‘Concert party’ does not relate to a mistaken request from the Takeover Panel to borrow a box set of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum from Dave King.

‘Repaying the fans’ loyalty’ most certainly does not imply a refund.

I hope that clarifies matters.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Urgent Medical Problems

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the medical services of Scotland and all other places in which the SPFL is followed are standing by for an influx of people seeking urgent relief for a hitherto unexpected ailment.

This sudden and unprecedented demand looks set to to put the annual ‘winter flu crisis’ and indeed all past pandemics in the shade as folk swamp GP surgeries and A&E departments with their demands for medical attention. As such, The Clumpany is led to believe that domestic governmental agencies as well as the UN are making preparations to make emergency airdrops of supplies to a beleaguered population.

The Clumpany has also been informed that the heads of countless religions have informed local leaders to be on stand-by to assist those fans of Scottish football who may be seeking a miracle cure in the coming days.

The seriousness of this impending medical apocalypse cannot be underestimated. As such, The Clumpany implores to help anyone that you see in distress.

The signs will be easy to spot. Thousands and thousands of people will be grimacing and wailing following the sudden onset of terrible arthritis. Arthritis brought on by repeatedly shrugging their shoulders in complete indifference to the following news:

Stay strong everyone.

This important medical update has been brought to you in association with the Amalgamated Society of Split Sides Survivors and Refusers to Have Their Intelligence Insulted. 😉

#KeepOnS̶c̶o̶p̶e̶Clumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football

Morons On An Equalities Awareness Course

Good Evening.

At a hypothetical equalities awareness course somewhere in Scotland. I’ll leave you to imagine who might have attended…

>>>>>>

Course Facilitator: “And now we come to the module on anti-Irish racism.”

Attendees: [*Involuntary groan*]

Course Facilitator: “Sorry, is there a problem?”

Attendees: [*Stare at shoes*]

Course Facilitator: “We can’t proceed if you aren’t happy. What’s the matter?”

Attendee #1: “Surely you mean ‘sectarianism’?”

Course Facilitator: “No. I mean anti-Irish racism? Can you think of a better term for it?”

Attendee #2: “Yes I can. How about ‘intolerance’?”

Course Facilitator: “No. That doesn’t cover anti-Irish racism does it?”

Attendee #3: “Oh you mean ‘Ned behaviour’, don’t you?”

Course Facilitator: “No. This module specifically talks about anti-Irish racism. It’s actually quite a straightforward concept to understand.”

Attendee #4: “I’d call it ‘both sides being as bad as each other’.”

Course Facilitator: “What do you mean by ‘both sides as bad as each other’? If one of those sides is showing anti-Irish racism we can certainly discuss it. Just as we have already discussed other forms of racism. All racism is bad, horrendous for the victim, and corrosive to society.”

Attendee #4: “No, I just meant that one side being subjected to sectarianism may well be as bad as the other.”

Course Facilitator: “But we have already discussed sectarianism today. And now we are going to talk about anti-Irish racism which is entirely different.”

Attendee #5: “It’s all religious intolerance though isn’t it? You can’t be racist about the Irish and those who… err… pretend to be Irish can you?”

Course Facilitator: “I think you have just shown why this course is so important!”

Attendee #5: “Protestant versus Catholic. It’s been like this for centuries, and the bigotry needs to stop.”

Course Facilitator: “Well I cant argue with that as a general point of principle, but it is utterly irrelevant right now. We are here to talk about anti-Irish racism. Can anyone give me an example of anti-Irish racism to help us get into a proper discussion?”

Attendee #6: “How many examples do you want? There are hundreds of examples of sectarianism and bigotry that I could mention.”

Course Facilitator: “But we are not here to discuss sectarianism. Or bigotry. We are here to talk about anti-Irish racism.”

Attendee #7: “Does that even exist, or is it just an excuse for some people to play the victim?”

Attendee #8: “That’s a good point. We all know there’s still a problem with sectarianism and bigotry. And it needs to be stamped out.”

Course Facilitator: “So do I take it from this conversation that the group doesn’t think anti-Irish racism is an issue in Scotland?”

Attendee #9: “Is the Pope a Catholic?”

Attendees: [*Snigger*]

Attendee #10: “Look, I think this session is wasting our afternoon. I know you mean well, but isn’t it time for you to [*cough cough*] ‘go home’?”

Attendees: [*Laugh out loud*]

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of exaggeration-based satire…

Media, Satire

Having Rangers’ Sh*t On Your Doorstep

Good Evening.

The Clumpany loves a bit of gossip about the Scottish sports media’s finest.

Here is a completely made up bit of ‘news’ which reached me from a contact at the Level Gutter agency.

Apparently the journalist in question has been having a bit of trouble with a neighbour’s dog. The neighbour is a Sevco fan and has a dog called ‘Rangers’. The neighbour says that it’s the same dog as the one which sadly passed away in 2012, but that’s not central to this particular blog.

The dog is – frankly – a bit hostile to everything, and not widely-liked in the neighbourhood, but it’s owner loves him.

Unfortunately, like it’s ‘same’ predecessor, it has a terrible habit of coming to the journalist’s house and sh*tting all over the doorstep.

Pretty much every day the hapless journalist steps outside, believing that everything will be OK after a previous unfortunate incident that is best forgotten… and then SQUELCH! The journalist treads in Rangers’ sh*t!

All day people catch a whiff of something that the journalist really ought to do something about. But no matter how many times it is pointed out to them they just carry on regardless, get up the following day and SQUELCH! The same things happens again.

Now, you might think that the journalist ought to deal with the issue of Rangers’ unrelenting defecation on their patch. But no. Apparently they have far more important matters to shout about!

Instead of advocating a cleansing of Rangers’ sh*t, they get strangely worked up about a cat sh*tting on a doorstep in a completely different neighbourhood, and a pigeon crapping in a foreign country.

Indeed they are often heard exclaiming that “It’s disgraceful that no one is cleaning up that mess and making sure it can never happen again”.

But for some unknown reason, Rangers’ sh*t is of absolutely no interest to them! Despite it actually sticking to their shoe every day.

Why on Earth could that be?

Let’s just hope that our canine friend ‘Rangers’ doesn’t come back to bite the journalist on the arse!

Woof woof!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, SFA

How Rangers FC Was Shafted In 2008

Good Evening.

Further to a number of non-stories from Scottish sport’s most self-respecting journalists and reputation-conscious media outlets, The Clumpany has been given some devastating information about the activities of a “prominent chairman of a club”* at the end of season 2007-8. [* NB the person concerned specifically asked that I refer to the ‘guilty’ party in this way as a tribute to those who – despite busting a gut to create a media frenzy – still can’t string a coherent sentence together].

Apparently – back in the day – the prominent chairman of a club sat down to watch the 2008 UEFA Cup Final and said “I hope Zenit give absolutely no help to Rangers”.

What an absolute disgrace, eh?

And when Zenit St Petersburg scored their opening goal against the club that former SFA Presidents will pretend is somehow inhabiting Sevco, they leapt out of their seat and said “This is a fantastic display of giving no help to Rangers. I sincerely hope that the Russians fail to render assistance to Rangers for the remainder of this fixture.

“And – thinking ahead – I really hope that goal ends up upsetting BBC Scotland presenters and pundits, as well as the staff of the Daily Record for the rest of eternity. If not longer! Woo f*cking hoo!”

The Clumpany is sure that my long suffering readers will be gasping with horror at this shameful display by a prominent chairman of a club.

But it gets worse.

Because when the second, winning, Zenit goal went in against the Dual Contract All Stars the prominent chairman of a club apparently punched the air and said “Help? You need a f*cking miracle to get out of this anti-football abyss Rangers!”

And then the prominent chairman of a club picked up the phone to call George Peat and tried to leave a message saying “Mwahahahahhahaha! There’s no helping Rangers now is there? Is there George?!

“Still, it’s only a small matter in the grand scheme of things isn’t it George? There’s a national sport to be run. A national sport with a big and explicit rulebook which is clear about declaring the terms of player contracts.

“Isn’t there George?

“Let me know if the SFA and Rangers need any HELP with it.”

If this isn’t devastating evidence of a prominent chairman of a club executing an anti-Rangers conspiracy to deprive them of European glory, what is?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of sarcastic fun..

Celtic, Satire

Celtic’s World Beating Transfer Window

Good Morning.

The Clumpany was happy to pick up an award on behalf of the Celtic board last night.

I’ll be honest, it always seemed unlikely that the Celtic board would ever deputise me to stand in for them. But last night my luck was in!

Woohoo!

The Clumpany was invited to attend the twice-yearly Scottish Transfer Window Awards and pick up a prize which the Celtic hierarchy suspected was coming their way.

So off I trooped – wearing my best photoshopped blazer and sombrero – and took my allocated place at the gala awards dinner!

I won’t lie. I expected my dinner plate to be overflowing with exciting – if well researched and reasonably priced – offerings.

But sadly it wasn’t. To be honest it was a bit disappointing.

Unexpectedly, a member of the Celtic board called me halfway through the meal to say how much they valued my unwavering long-term support. They asked me if I wouldn’t mind enjoying my meal anyway, and they strangely hung up when I said “no” and started asking them awkward questions!

Fancy that!

Making the best of it, I ploughed on with my somewhat lacklustre meal and kept watching and listening for the announcement of the prestigious award which I was there to collect!

And finally my moment came!

Following the award of “Best Piss-Take In Scottish Football” to… well basically the entire mainstream media and Neil Doncaster, I was invited up to accept the award for “Scotland’s Most Remarkable Summer Transfer Window”.

As I walked up to accept the prize I found myself flanked by people wearing Peter Lawwell masks and blowing swanee whistles as if they were providing the sound effects to a Carry On film when something really embarrassing happens.

I can’t think why the organisers would have done that.

Nevertheless, when I reached the stage I was duly presented with an award which contained the citation:

“To the Celtic board for pulling off the almost impossible when they had so much cash to spend and a fantastic manager to spend it.”

I thought it was a lovely gesture. Especially as it unexpectedly came with a DVD box set of ‘The Muppet Show’.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Satire, Sevco

The Gap Is Finally Narrowing

Good Evening.

A few days ago, The Clumpany put an anvil and a racehorse next to each other.

I painted the anvil light blue. I got the paint cheap in a fire sale of someone’s assets, but thought it would probably catch the eye of some People if deployed in a pandering sort of way. I will admit that I originally envisaged a ‘panda’ing sort of way’ but the panda said “f*ck that. If I am heading towards extinction I want to preserve some self respect for posterity. You are not painting ME light blue.”

Which was fair enough. So I just painted the anvil instead.

I then plaited green and white ribbons into the mane and tail of the racehorse and it looked absolutely champion. So much so that seven times in a row I said to myself “that horse looks champion.”

And then, all of a sudden the racehorse darted off into the distance like the classy thoroughbred it is. My Lord I have never seen such speed. Neither had the crowd of 59,000 folk who had gathered to cheer it on, and who were wearing similar green and white attire.

Meanwhile, the light blue anvil sat there seemingly immobile.

I say ‘seemingly’ because a passing group of 800 People wearing light blue to show their support of the dead weight started cheering it on and claiming that the gap between the anvil and the horizon-reaching racehorse was actually narrowing.

I took issue with them and said that the thoroughbred was so far ahead that the anvil could never catch it. They said something about me being a ‘hater’, and before I could reply someone jumping a shark in an evening intervened and said “The gap is narrowing. That is all you need to believe. Did I say ‘believe’? I meant ‘know’. Forget I said ‘believe’. The FACT is that the gap is narrowing. That expensively-assembled anvil is going to beat the racehorse over the course of a season.

“No really”.

As you can imagine, I was utterly convinced by their argument…

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping