Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

How To Celebrate A Sevco Victory

Good Evening.

Overheard in a pub a short while ago. Possibly.

Celtic fan #1: “F*ck me. That’s embarrassing. Shocking from Celtic. I can’t believe we lost to the new club. What the f*ck has the board been playing at? And what about the manager and players? Do they think that’s acceptable?”

Celtic fan #2: “I know mate. Disgraceful stuff. The pressure is on now to sort the side out for the rest of the season.”

Celtic fan #3: “Aye, we are still top, we won the League Cup and we are still in Europe, but FFS we will never hear the end of it. Lawwell and Rodgers better get things sorted for the rest of the season.”

Meanwhile, over in another corner of the pub, the chat is also all about football… 😉

Sevco fan #1: “F*cking brilliant. We showed those b*stard paedo Tarrier f*ckers why they should go home!”

Sevco fan #2 “Spot on. Fenian b*stards. They are a f*cking stain on society. We showed them. Dave King is definitely bringing us 55. They won’t be able to handle it. The smelly mhanky bheasts!”

Sevco fan #3 “Well said mate. We are The People and they are sub f*cking human. This is our country and they should know their place! The Gaffer is going to be a legend when he delivers 55! F*ck Brenda Rodgers”

Sevco fan #1: “Brenda? F*cking brilliant mate! The Tarriers don’t have banter like that!”

And in a reserved area of the pub there were a few Scottish football journalists…

Journo #1: “Fantastic game yesterday. Brilliant result! It’s like David Murray never left Ibrox!”

Journo #2: “Usually I pretend he hasn’t! But yeah, it’s absolutely f*cking fantastic!” [*Rubs self uncomfortably*]

Journo #3: “Are you OK mate? Only you look like you are in pain.”

Journo #2: “Well I overdid the celebrations yesterday.”

Journo #3: “How do you mean? You are rubbing your [*cough*] groin area FFS!”

Journo #2: “Aye well I might have accidentally rubbed all the skin off my c*ck in the excitement.”

Journo #1: “F*ck, I’m glad it’s not just me! I’ve been in agony all day, but have been trying to hide it!”

Journo #2: “Good to know you are on board! How about you pal? Any chafing after the big win?”

Journo #3: “Bloody hell. Some of us have been around long enough to still have our Rangers* 9-in-a-row lubricant when required. It’s all about keeping your dignity. No chafing or blisters here. And look how smooth my hands are as well…”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of (admittedly tasteless) satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

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Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Careless hack given “mother of all b*llockings” by furious top brass at famous Scottish paper.

By A.N. Absolute-Disgrace.

One of Scotland’s most prominent journalists was left shaken last night after his boss threatened to sack him over an unfortunate mistake in his preview of the upcoming Old Firm-tastic Old Firm fixture.

The journalist concerned – who is well known as an Old Firm fan – is also understood to be fearing ostracism by his colleagues (unless of course they have an emu rather than an ostrich).

A source close to the usually tight-knit (OK yes they do actually wear polyester rather than wool) newsroom spoke to us on condition of anonymity (not that we have heard of them). They exclusively revealed the sorry tale which looks set to destroy the credibility of the legendary football scribe.

“I still can’t believe it”, said our eyewitness. “The journo submitted his piece, and put his coat on to leave for the day, when suddenly the editor…What do you mean? Yes of course we have editors. You don’t think we just produce our articles like a misfiring arse pebbledashes a bathroom wall do you?

“Oh you do… Anyway, the editor suddenly stormed into the open plan and literally dragged the journalist into a meeting room. He slammed him against the wall and started yelling at him. I’ve never heard swearing like it. Well not since some of my pals discovered that a debenture at Ibrox had nothing to do with the club but only with the liquidated COMPANY!”

Our shocked insider continued. “In between all the foul language we could make out that the journalist had submitted an Old Firm article the day before an Old Firm game which contained some words that were neither ‘Old’ nor ‘Firm’. What a schoolboy error!

“You go through all that Traynoring and also get some qualifications, and what do you do? You stupidly write an Old Firm article in Old Firm week that has words in it like ‘a’, ‘is’, to’ and ‘and’, which take up valuable space that could have been filled with ‘Old Firm’. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, apparently he also put some adjectives and – FFS – verbs in the piece as if they were going out of fashion.”

Shaking his head and eyeing up a potential future promotion opportunity, our source added: “How the hell does he expect to keep his job and maintain the respect of the rest of the press pack if he’s going to undermine our hard-won reputation by not writing articles that solely consist of the words ‘Old Firm’ in the week of an Old Firm-a-licious Old Firm game?”

The guilty hack has been warned not to repeat his grave error of judgement on pain of instant dismissal, and he has also been instructed to complete some mandatory re-Traynoring.

“Hopefully he’ll be OK” said our insider. “He’s been told he must write 10,000 lines of ‘I must always mention Old Firm’ on a blackboard.

“I just hope he has the brains to leave out the ‘I must always mention…’ part. Otherwise the boss will think he’s REALLY taking the p*ss.

“The boss doesn’t want to see anything other than ‘Old Firm’ in the sports pages.

“Ever”.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Handy Guide To The Latest Sevco Accounts

Good Evening.

Yes I know that the accounts published last week were those of RIFC, which is different to the engine room subsidiary once known as Sevco Scotland (or is it Sevco 5088?!).

I also know that RIFC is different to the ethereal ‘football club’ which UEFA will tell you is actually the legal entity once known as Sevco Scotland (or Sevco 5088?!), but NEVER to be mistaken for the club incorporated shortly before Queen Victoria passed away.

However, I wanted to refer to ‘Sevco’ in the title of this blog to cater for the possibility that Martin Williams might read this. And if he does, I would like him to note quite how much we are still laughing at his liquidation-denying Herald output.

Oh, and I also wanted to ask Martin if his fleet-footedness has yet secured him a gig with the Bolshoi Ballet. After all, if he can’t play a lead role in Swan Lake there must surely be an ironic bit-part for him as a dead-but-allegedly-still-living Norwegian Blue parrot.

Mustn’t there?

But I digress.

The main point of this attempted blog was simply to warn regular readers to continue to look out for a few potential pieces of misdirection which might cause them to think that all is well with the recent ‘Sevco’ accounts…

‘Turnover’ most certainly does not refer to what Sevco have done to Sports Direct in the courts.

‘Operating loss’ does not refer to a Glasgow surgeon who misplaced his Ibrox season book.

‘Going Concern warning’ is NOT an alert about an unreliable coach company.

‘Converting loans to equity’ does not imply a money-spinning convoluted player transfer to the actors’ trade union.

‘Concert party’ does not relate to a mistaken request from the Takeover Panel to borrow a box set of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum from Dave King.

‘Repaying the fans’ loyalty’ most certainly does not imply a refund.

I hope that clarifies matters.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Urgent Medical Problems

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the medical services of Scotland and all other places in which the SPFL is followed are standing by for an influx of people seeking urgent relief for a hitherto unexpected ailment.

This sudden and unprecedented demand looks set to to put the annual ‘winter flu crisis’ and indeed all past pandemics in the shade as folk swamp GP surgeries and A&E departments with their demands for medical attention. As such, The Clumpany is led to believe that domestic governmental agencies as well as the UN are making preparations to make emergency airdrops of supplies to a beleaguered population.

The Clumpany has also been informed that the heads of countless religions have informed local leaders to be on stand-by to assist those fans of Scottish football who may be seeking a miracle cure in the coming days.

The seriousness of this impending medical apocalypse cannot be underestimated. As such, The Clumpany implores to help anyone that you see in distress.

The signs will be easy to spot. Thousands and thousands of people will be grimacing and wailing following the sudden onset of terrible arthritis. Arthritis brought on by repeatedly shrugging their shoulders in complete indifference to the following news:

Stay strong everyone.

This important medical update has been brought to you in association with the Amalgamated Society of Split Sides Survivors and Refusers to Have Their Intelligence Insulted. 😉

#KeepOnS̶c̶o̶p̶e̶Clumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football

Morons On An Equalities Awareness Course

Good Evening.

At a hypothetical equalities awareness course somewhere in Scotland. I’ll leave you to imagine who might have attended…

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Course Facilitator: “And now we come to the module on anti-Irish racism.”

Attendees: [*Involuntary groan*]

Course Facilitator: “Sorry, is there a problem?”

Attendees: [*Stare at shoes*]

Course Facilitator: “We can’t proceed if you aren’t happy. What’s the matter?”

Attendee #1: “Surely you mean ‘sectarianism’?”

Course Facilitator: “No. I mean anti-Irish racism? Can you think of a better term for it?”

Attendee #2: “Yes I can. How about ‘intolerance’?”

Course Facilitator: “No. That doesn’t cover anti-Irish racism does it?”

Attendee #3: “Oh you mean ‘Ned behaviour’, don’t you?”

Course Facilitator: “No. This module specifically talks about anti-Irish racism. It’s actually quite a straightforward concept to understand.”

Attendee #4: “I’d call it ‘both sides being as bad as each other’.”

Course Facilitator: “What do you mean by ‘both sides as bad as each other’? If one of those sides is showing anti-Irish racism we can certainly discuss it. Just as we have already discussed other forms of racism. All racism is bad, horrendous for the victim, and corrosive to society.”

Attendee #4: “No, I just meant that one side being subjected to sectarianism may well be as bad as the other.”

Course Facilitator: “But we have already discussed sectarianism today. And now we are going to talk about anti-Irish racism which is entirely different.”

Attendee #5: “It’s all religious intolerance though isn’t it? You can’t be racist about the Irish and those who… err… pretend to be Irish can you?”

Course Facilitator: “I think you have just shown why this course is so important!”

Attendee #5: “Protestant versus Catholic. It’s been like this for centuries, and the bigotry needs to stop.”

Course Facilitator: “Well I cant argue with that as a general point of principle, but it is utterly irrelevant right now. We are here to talk about anti-Irish racism. Can anyone give me an example of anti-Irish racism to help us get into a proper discussion?”

Attendee #6: “How many examples do you want? There are hundreds of examples of sectarianism and bigotry that I could mention.”

Course Facilitator: “But we are not here to discuss sectarianism. Or bigotry. We are here to talk about anti-Irish racism.”

Attendee #7: “Does that even exist, or is it just an excuse for some people to play the victim?”

Attendee #8: “That’s a good point. We all know there’s still a problem with sectarianism and bigotry. And it needs to be stamped out.”

Course Facilitator: “So do I take it from this conversation that the group doesn’t think anti-Irish racism is an issue in Scotland?”

Attendee #9: “Is the Pope a Catholic?”

Attendees: [*Snigger*]

Attendee #10: “Look, I think this session is wasting our afternoon. I know you mean well, but isn’t it time for you to [*cough cough*] ‘go home’?”

Attendees: [*Laugh out loud*]

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of exaggeration-based satire…

Media, Satire

Having Rangers’ Sh*t On Your Doorstep

Good Evening.

The Clumpany loves a bit of gossip about the Scottish sports media’s finest.

Here is a completely made up bit of ‘news’ which reached me from a contact at the Level Gutter agency.

Apparently the journalist in question has been having a bit of trouble with a neighbour’s dog. The neighbour is a Sevco fan and has a dog called ‘Rangers’. The neighbour says that it’s the same dog as the one which sadly passed away in 2012, but that’s not central to this particular blog.

The dog is – frankly – a bit hostile to everything, and not widely-liked in the neighbourhood, but it’s owner loves him.

Unfortunately, like it’s ‘same’ predecessor, it has a terrible habit of coming to the journalist’s house and sh*tting all over the doorstep.

Pretty much every day the hapless journalist steps outside, believing that everything will be OK after a previous unfortunate incident that is best forgotten… and then SQUELCH! The journalist treads in Rangers’ sh*t!

All day people catch a whiff of something that the journalist really ought to do something about. But no matter how many times it is pointed out to them they just carry on regardless, get up the following day and SQUELCH! The same things happens again.

Now, you might think that the journalist ought to deal with the issue of Rangers’ unrelenting defecation on their patch. But no. Apparently they have far more important matters to shout about!

Instead of advocating a cleansing of Rangers’ sh*t, they get strangely worked up about a cat sh*tting on a doorstep in a completely different neighbourhood, and a pigeon crapping in a foreign country.

Indeed they are often heard exclaiming that “It’s disgraceful that no one is cleaning up that mess and making sure it can never happen again”.

But for some unknown reason, Rangers’ sh*t is of absolutely no interest to them! Despite it actually sticking to their shoe every day.

Why on Earth could that be?

Let’s just hope that our canine friend ‘Rangers’ doesn’t come back to bite the journalist on the arse!

Woof woof!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, SFA

How Rangers FC Was Shafted In 2008

Good Evening.

Further to a number of non-stories from Scottish sport’s most self-respecting journalists and reputation-conscious media outlets, The Clumpany has been given some devastating information about the activities of a “prominent chairman of a club”* at the end of season 2007-8. [* NB the person concerned specifically asked that I refer to the ‘guilty’ party in this way as a tribute to those who – despite busting a gut to create a media frenzy – still can’t string a coherent sentence together].

Apparently – back in the day – the prominent chairman of a club sat down to watch the 2008 UEFA Cup Final and said “I hope Zenit give absolutely no help to Rangers”.

What an absolute disgrace, eh?

And when Zenit St Petersburg scored their opening goal against the club that former SFA Presidents will pretend is somehow inhabiting Sevco, they leapt out of their seat and said “This is a fantastic display of giving no help to Rangers. I sincerely hope that the Russians fail to render assistance to Rangers for the remainder of this fixture.

“And – thinking ahead – I really hope that goal ends up upsetting BBC Scotland presenters and pundits, as well as the staff of the Daily Record for the rest of eternity. If not longer! Woo f*cking hoo!”

The Clumpany is sure that my long suffering readers will be gasping with horror at this shameful display by a prominent chairman of a club.

But it gets worse.

Because when the second, winning, Zenit goal went in against the Dual Contract All Stars the prominent chairman of a club apparently punched the air and said “Help? You need a f*cking miracle to get out of this anti-football abyss Rangers!”

And then the prominent chairman of a club picked up the phone to call George Peat and tried to leave a message saying “Mwahahahahhahaha! There’s no helping Rangers now is there? Is there George?!

“Still, it’s only a small matter in the grand scheme of things isn’t it George? There’s a national sport to be run. A national sport with a big and explicit rulebook which is clear about declaring the terms of player contracts.

“Isn’t there George?

“Let me know if the SFA and Rangers need any HELP with it.”

If this isn’t devastating evidence of a prominent chairman of a club executing an anti-Rangers conspiracy to deprive them of European glory, what is?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of sarcastic fun..