Satire, SFA

How Rangers FC Was Shafted In 2008

Good Evening.

Further to a number of non-stories from Scottish sport’s most self-respecting journalists and reputation-conscious media outlets, The Clumpany has been given some devastating information about the activities of a “prominent chairman of a club”* at the end of season 2007-8. [* NB the person concerned specifically asked that I refer to the ‘guilty’ party in this way as a tribute to those who – despite busting a gut to create a media frenzy – still can’t string a coherent sentence together].

Apparently – back in the day – the prominent chairman of a club sat down to watch the 2008 UEFA Cup Final and said “I hope Zenit give absolutely no help to Rangers”.

What an absolute disgrace, eh?

And when Zenit St Petersburg scored their opening goal against the club that former SFA Presidents will pretend is inhabiting the corpse of Sevco, they leapt out of their seat and said “This is a fantastic display of giving no help to Rangers. I sincerely hope that the Russians fail to render assistance to Rangers for the remainder of this fixture.

“And – thinking ahead – I really hope that goal ends up upsetting BBC Scotland presenters and pundits, as well as the staff of the Daily Record for the rest of eternity. If not longer! Woo f*cking hoo!”

The Clumpany is sure that my long suffering readers will be gasping with horror at this shameful display by a prominent chairman of a club.

But it gets worse.

Because when the second, winning, Zenit goal went in against the Dual Contract All Stars the prominent chairman of a club apparently punched the air and said “Help? You need a f*cking miracle to get out of this anti-football abyss Rangers!”

And then the prominent chairman of a club picked up the phone to call George Peat and tried to leave a message saying “Mwahahahahhahaha! There’s no helping Rangers now is there? Is there George?!

“Still, it’s only a small matter in the grand scheme of things isn’t it George? There’s a national sport to be run. A national sport with a big and explicit rulebook which is clear about declaring the terms of player contracts.

“Isn’t there George?

“Let me know if the SFA and Rangers need any HELP with it.”

If this isn’t devastating evidence of a prominent chairman of a club executing an anti-Rangers conspiracy to deprive them of European glory, what is?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of sarcastic fun..

Celtic, Satire

Celtic’s World Beating Transfer Window

Good Morning.

The Clumpany was happy to pick up an award on behalf of the Celtic board last night.

I’ll be honest, it always seemed unlikely that the Celtic board would ever deputise me to stand in for them. But last night my luck was in!

Woohoo!

The Clumpany was invited to attend the twice-yearly Scottish Transfer Window Awards and pick up a prize which the Celtic hierarchy suspected was coming their way.

So off I trooped – wearing my best photoshopped blazer and sombrero – and took my allocated place at the gala awards dinner!

I won’t lie. I expected my dinner plate to be overflowing with exciting – if well researched and reasonably priced – offerings.

But sadly it wasn’t. To be honest it was a bit disappointing.

Unexpectedly, a member of the Celtic board called me halfway through the meal to say how much they valued my unwavering long-term support. They asked me if I wouldn’t mind enjoying my meal anyway, and they strangely hung up when I said “no” and started asking them awkward questions!

Fancy that!

Making the best of it, I ploughed on with my somewhat lacklustre meal and kept watching and listening for the announcement of the prestigious award which I was there to collect!

And finally my moment came!

Following the award of “Best Piss-Take In Scottish Football” to… well basically the entire mainstream media and Neil Doncaster, I was invited up to accept the award for “Scotland’s Most Remarkable Summer Transfer Window”.

As I walked up to accept the prize I found myself flanked by people wearing Peter Lawwell masks and blowing swanee whistles as if they were providing the sound effects to a Carry On film when something really embarrassing happens.

I can’t think why the organisers would have done that.

Nevertheless, when I reached the stage I was duly presented with an award which contained the citation:

“To the Celtic board for pulling off the almost impossible when they had so much cash to spend and a fantastic manager to spend it.”

I thought it was a lovely gesture. Especially as it unexpectedly came with a DVD box set of ‘The Muppet Show’.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Satire, Sevco

The Gap Is Finally Narrowing

Good Evening.

A few days ago, The Clumpany put an anvil and a racehorse next to each other.

I painted the anvil light blue. I got the paint cheap in a fire sale of someone’s assets, but thought it would probably catch the eye of some People if deployed in a pandering sort of way. I will admit that I originally envisaged a ‘panda’ing sort of way’ but the panda said “f*ck that. If I am heading towards extinction I want to preserve some self respect for posterity. You are not painting ME light blue.”

Which was fair enough. So I just painted the anvil instead.

I then plaited green and white ribbons into the mane and tail of the racehorse and it looked absolutely champion. So much so that seven times in a row I said to myself “that horse looks champion.”

And then, all of a sudden the racehorse darted off into the distance like the classy thoroughbred it is. My Lord I have never seen such speed. Neither had the crowd of 59,000 folk who had gathered to cheer it on, and who were wearing similar green and white attire.

Meanwhile, the light blue anvil sat there seemingly immobile.

I say ‘seemingly’ because a passing group of 800 People wearing light blue to show their support of the dead weight started cheering it on and claiming that the gap between the anvil and the horizon-reaching racehorse was actually narrowing.

I took issue with them and said that the thoroughbred was so far ahead that the anvil could never catch it. They said something about me being a ‘hater’, and before I could reply someone jumping a shark in an evening intervened and said “The gap is narrowing. That is all you need to believe. Did I say ‘believe’? I meant ‘know’. Forget I said ‘believe’. The FACT is that the gap is narrowing. That expensively-assembled anvil is going to beat the racehorse over the course of a season.

“No really”.

As you can imagine, I was utterly convinced by their argument…

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

Satire, Sevco, SFA

Beheading For Sevco!

Good Evening.

Surely The Clumpany will hear this on the radio in the not-too-distant future?!

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Presenter: “And joining us in the studio to discuss Allan McGregor’s ludicrous non-brush with the authorities are a completely sensible ex-Rangers player and some random commentator who we are having to entertain under sufferance. Let me first turn to you ex-Rangers star. Do you agree that the Compliance Officer is right not to seek sanctions against our pal Allan McGregor?”

Ex Rangers (or Sevco) player (ERSP): “Allan did absolutely nothing wrong! He was just looking after his goal. There is no reason to haul him before the SFA beaks. Even though I agree with those who say that comparing SFA folk with parts of a duck is silly”.

Random Commentator: “Well that’s an interesting point of view. But let’s be honest, Allan McGregor attacked an opposition player in an unprovoked and aggressive manner.”

ERSP: “How so? Were you watching a completely different game to me? McGregor was just tidying things up”.

Random Commentator: “What are you talking about? He went after his opponent with a scythe. A great big scythe.”

ERSP: “I think you will find it was a little scythe. Barely a scythe at all. There was barely any contact and the Compliance Officer was right to dismiss this ludicrous bleating and concentrate on more important matters such as why Rangers* weren’t awarded a goal for old time’s sake. Or something.”

Random Commentator: “‘Barely a scythe?!’ How can you say that?! He chopped off the head of the opposition player. In the penalty area! That is the very definition of a foul!”

ERSP: “Nonsense. There was no intent there. Unless you refer to McGregor’s intent to keep the grass at a reasonable length in his penalty area. He certainly intended to to do that. And let’s face it, goalkeepers are always fixing the grass in their area – replacing divots for example.”

Random Commentator: “‘FFS he only severed the player’s head on the seventh swing! And after all the other players had surrounded him and started screaming ‘put the f*cking scythe down, you are going to kill him'”.

ERSP: “I don’t think the footage shows that.”

Random Commentator: “It shows his head bouncing off the pitch and being used at a throw-in…”

ERSP: “This is just jealous hysteria.”

Random Commentator: “So what level of on-pitch contact by a Rangers* player would you view as actually worthy of punishment? How ridiculous have things now got?” 

Presenter: “Aaaaand that’s all we’ve got time for. So there you have it folks. Justice rightly prevails for a Rangers* player who just wanted to ensure a level playing field. With his scythe. Tune in tomorrow to hear our pundits discuss how nuclear warfare offers Rangers* hope of toppling Celtic…”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of fun, and cold turkey is really boring.

Celtic, Satire

Strangling The Goose That Lays The Golden Eggs

Good Evening.

It has come to The Clumpany’s attention that a progressive, imaginative and ambitious golden egg-laying goose has wandered into the vicinity of Celtic Park. Apparently it sneaked in a couple of years ago.

The Clumpany cannot believe that this wildfowl-based transgression has been allowed to occur and remain present since the summer of 2016.

What the f*ck is going on? How can any sensible board allow this affront to the very idea of rigid financial planning be allowed to roam free?

Surely the time has now come for the Celtic board to strangle the goose that has been laying these golden eggs as if there is no tomorrow?

The sparkling vista of enduring football success has been given free rein for far too long. Surely no sensible board can keep spending money to feed the entirely reasonable ambitions of this success-generating bird?

It is clearly now time to wring its neck.

If nothing else, those ageing golden eggs will look fantastic as they sit beside sparkling profit-laden accounts at the next Celtic AGM, won’t they? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, satire works in relation to more than one club*, and it’s not reckless or criminal to back Brendan in the transfer market…

Meanwhile…

Celtic, Satire

What The Hell Is Going On At Celtic?

Good Afternoon.

Surely not appearing on any Celtic-flavoured site or forum at any point… 😉

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Let’s All Shrug Our Shoulders

According to well-informed sources close to Celtic Football Club no one has any idea whatsoever why the manager might be unhappy.

Is he sulking or something?

It can’t be because John McGinn signed for Aston Villa because, well because stuff and things.

So the issue must be with the manager. Let’s face it, he is clearly being completely unreasonable by publicly alluding to some sort of inexplicable unhappiness. Maybe he got out of the wrong side of bed this morning?

It’s a good thing that this club has Celtic class and no one would brief against the manager to a mainstream media outlet whose staff might rub their skin off w*nking themselves silly at the prospect of problems at Celtic.

Phew.

Yes, the manager needs to take a long hard look at himself with his unprecedented success and reputation as a top class coach.

Who does he think he is?

It’s a complete mystery why he isn’t dancing down the street singing “happy days are here again”. He may not have have signed McGinn but the money was there and the transfer fell through for… reasons.

And who needs defenders? The board can mount a defence against any criticism of the club’s balance sheet. Isn’t that enough?

Is it me or is it a bit draughty in here? Can someone close that transfer window? We wouldn’t want those Champions League millions from the past two seasons blowing away would we?

And as for today’s result, no one on the board knows what went wrong. That’s the manager’s department. Something about kicking a ball into some Hoops or something?

Ach it will all be fine. Big club, worldwide fan base etc. Don’t you worry yourself. The board has always known best and will continue to do so.

W̶A̶T̶P̶. Hail Hail!

>>>>>>

NB Remember folks, no good comes of not asking tough questions of your football club.

Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Is Steven Gerrard Paranoid?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has seen a number of folk commenting that Steven Gerrard appeared paranoid after today’s draw against an Aberdeen side so poor that they were mistaken for Sevco’s bank account early in the second half.

Gerrard commented that Sevco were a “class above” the Dons and went on to remark that

“It seems like the world is against us today.

“But we’ll make sure we get better for that because it looks like some more decisions will go against us as the season goes on.

“We need to try and use it to our advantage. It’s not just today, I believe it’s been happening for seasons. That’s just my opinion”

Just his opinion eh? Now, I don’t wish to appear cynical but unless Gerrard has watched hundreds of Sevco games and formed an evidence-based opinion, it seems that someone has either briefed him with lies, or he has made it up – possibly fuelled by paranoia.

I will let my long-suffering readers make up their own minds on the basis of a transcript I have been given. This document (which may have been made up by me 😉) records a post-match interview in which Gerrard’s was asked to explain his opinion…

Interviewer: “Steven, can you just clarify your remarks about decisions going against Rangers* for a number of seasons? It’s quite a claim to make. Why do you think that.”

Stevie G: “Well there’s nothing the authorities won’t do to stop this club from being successful. In fact I was surprised we even made it here today.”

Interviewer: “How do you mean?”

Stevie G: “Well, it was a really nervous ride up here. I’d been warned that for every away fixture we play in Scotland the football authorities will send out a special agent to try and stop us arriving. They simply do not want us to play and win football matches.”

Interviewer: “A special agent?”

Stevie G: “Yeah. The codename of this agent is apparently Wile E. Coyote. Some very well informed people told me that he dashes all over Scotland trying to stop us from road running to our fixtures. The officials behind Wile E. Coyote hate Rangers* and want him to do whatever it takes to destroy the world’s most successful club.”

Interviewer: “And you believe this?”

Stevie G: “Why would these people who are looking out for Rangers* lie to me? You can’t be too careful. I just want to win trophies for this club, and I’m worried about dirty tricks being used to stop us.”

Interviewer: “What kind of tricks? I think our readers and the fans… oh hang on they are the same thing… I think they deserve to know. Perhaps by exposing this we can bring some transparency and accountability to the Scottish game?”

Stevie G: “Well apparently there are a variety of tricks involved. ACME dynamite is often used. You know the sort of thing. It’s triggered by a fuse which never lasts for as long as you think it should.

Interviewer: “Dynamite?”

Stevie G: “Yeah. And he also paints a road on the ground leading to a false picture of a tunnel that is painted on to a solid rock-face. That’s a very dirty trick to play.”

Interviewer: “That’s awful! Anything else?”

Stevie G: “Yes. A big anvil dropped from a cliff above our bus. Imagine trying to get three points after being hit by that.”

Interviewer: “That’s awful Steven. So how was the journey up to Aberdeen for today’s game? Any sign of Wile E. Coyote?”

Stevie G: “No. none at all. But it was a nervous ride and we will all be extra-vigilant after today’s refereeing performance. Do you know if Kevin Clancy has an alter ego and an animal costume?”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…