Clumpany Matters, Satire

Sale Of The Century

“It’s the Pish of the Week”

Good Evening.

My pal Alan called me earlier today. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. He was in absolute hysterics  about a conversation he had witnessed in the pub.

A group of friends were talking to a smartly-dressed man. The fellow – who apparently has a string of criminal convictions – told them about “a really good deal he’d got for some old sports gear – football tops and the like.” He said that although the goods weren’t this season’s latest trend, “they were still worth having, and the lads would be doing a good cause a really big favour if they bought them.”

Apparently a bystander at the bar asked the man just how fantastic the deal actually was, and to what extent the ‘good cause’ was going to benefit. He was immediately shouted down by the group of friends. 

He then tried to ask if this sports gear was the stuff he’d heard had been gathering dust in the warehouse of an entrepreneur, who was determined to make money on it, come what may.

The bystander was then called all sorts of names, and so he went back to his pint.

The smart-suited gentleman reassured the fans that this was the greatest deal of all time, but he couldn’t go into the details of it, and he was depending on them to do their duty in supporting a good cause.

Alan – struggling to speak as he guffawed – continued “It was unbelievable. The friends gave him a standing ovation! Some of them were even crying! The local paper was there taking photos for f*ck’s sake! And then they all rushed down the street to buy this stuff without even finishing their drinks, followed by the journalist who was shouting ‘make sure there’s a top left for me’ at them.

“I’ve never seen the like! Grown adults with a hive-like mentality going to buy stuff on the say-so of a convicted criminal without the details of quite how much of a good deal they are getting, or about how much the ‘good cause’ will actually make. They just took his word for it and off they went! 

“I bet the entrepreneur with his warehouse full of dust-covered sports goods can’t believe his luck! He must be thinking ‘kerching, kerching, ker-f*cking-ching’ as he watches the cash roll in!

“You couldn’t make it up! If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it possible. What an absolute joke!”

I know how Alan feels…

#KeepOnClumping

Champions League, Satire, Scottish Football

Real Madrid: Sold For Scrap

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Good Evening.

Congratulations to Real Madrid on winning the Champions League last night. Using the David King Bullshit-Soundbite Principle, I am delighted to confirm that the presence of Celtic in this year’s competition proper means that Real’s triumph actually counts.

Well done lads!

As you might expect, the victors were delighted at the end of the game. Not only had they become Champions of Europe for 2016-17, but they had also notched up a record-stretching twelfth European Cup/ Champions League title. Whatever you may think about Real Madrid over the years, the cumulative achievement – including three titles in four years – is quite something.

However, I have no doubt that some peddler of pish will soon pipe up and argue that one team dominating makes the competition boring and risks creating a crisis in European football which will see fans walking away.

Because that’s the sort of crap we get to hear about Scottish football from people who really should know better (and indeed who probably do know better) but who hanker after long-discredited sham of a game rather than teams playing by the rules and living within their means.

And these bizarre individuals expect you to buy their papers and listen to/ watch their broadcasts! 😂

What a joke!

But I digress…

Clumpany sources tell me that Real Madrid’s euphoria last night may have been justified, but it was also extremely short-lived. After the players collected the trophy and returned to the dressing room, one of them made the fatal mistake of going online on his phone.

Oh dear.

For when he looked at Twitter he suddenly realised that twelve European titles aren’t really that impressive at all. Because his timeline contained tweets about the world’s most successful club being Rangers, who are ’54 and counting’. Or something.

Ashen-faced, he passed his phone around the dressing room and one by one the players and staff of Real Madrid fell silent as they realised that all their efforts were ultimately worthless.

The Spaniards’ head of media made a few phone calls to check the truth of the tweets. He was eventually and unexpectedly put through to the Scottish offices of noted Spanish football historians Nivel Cinco who told him that yes indeed Rangers are the world’s most successful football club.

As you can imagine, everyone was utterly distraught, and The Clumpany understands that in a fit of pique, Real’s twelve European Cups are now being sent to the scrapyard. No one at the club wants to be associated with the embarrassingly hollow boasts that could be made about all that European silverware when someone else is clearly more successful.

Fair play to them for knowing their place and realising that they are NOT ‘The People’.

However, don’t be fooled into believing that Real Madrid have thrown in the towel completely. The Clumpany hears that their disappointment has served to give them a steely resolve to overcome Rangers in the glory stakes.

Word reaches me that Real’s twelve European Cups will be melted down and refashioned into a giant hand sticking two fingers up in the air. This will then be photographed and copies sent to an army of creditors. Real Madrid will then liquidate, their assets will be reformed into a new club, and Real will claim to have bought enough history (from anyone prepared to sell it) in order to have

  • a large number of domestic cups
  • one European trophy which still smells of the toilet in which it was presented; and
  • 55 domestic league titles.

A compliant media will be expected to pretend it is still the same Real Madrid, the domestic authorities will bite their tongue, and the Real fan base will play their part by hounding anyone who points out that this is a massive intelligence-insulting pisstake.

However, care will be taken to ensure that the single European trophy isn’t a European Cup. 

Because that would blow the entire sham’s cover at a stroke.

After all, it is blindingly obvious that the world’s most successful club wouldn’t ever actually win the Big Cup.

Isn’t it?

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The World’s Staunchest Sevco Fan

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Good Morning.

Not overheard on a bus this morning…

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Billy: “I’m so excited, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Why’s that, Billy.”

Billy: “Have you not seen Billy? Rangers* are coming!”

Billy 2: “Oh aye. I think I’m even more excited than you are Billy.”

Billy: “I doubt that Billy.”

Billy 2: “No, I am MORE excited than you Billy”

Billy: “No you aren’t Billy.”

Billy 2: “Yes I am Billy.”

Billy: “I don’t think you are Billy, you idiot.”

Billy 2: “Are you trying to make something out of it, Billy?”

Billy: “Yes I am pal. I AM more excited than you about Rangers*. No one is more staunch than me in terms of Loyal excitement Billy.”

Billy 2: “Bullshit Billy. I’ve been excited about Rangers’* signings in this transfer window since 1872. And I wasn’t even born then.”

Billy: “Do you want me to punch you? I’ve been excited about these signings since 1690 when King Billy told me how thrilled HE was about them. And I wasn’t born then either.”

Billy 2: “I’d like to see you try and punch me Billy. F*ck you and your substandard excitement about Rangers’* new signings.”

Billy: “It’s like that then, is it Billy? I’m going to have to beat the crap out of you am I?”

Billy 2: “In your dreams Billy mate.”

Billy 3: “Lads! Lads! What’s going on? Why are you shouting?”

Billy: “Oh hi Billy. This f*ckwit says he’s more excited about Rangers’* new signings than I am.”

Billy 2: “Morning Billy. Yes I am. I actually pissed my pants when I heard about them, and I have just soiled myself thinking about them again. My insides are just so excited!”

Billy 3: “Unsurpassed dignity as always Billy. You are a credit to the club. Isn’t he Billy?.”

Billy: “Well maybe he is Billy. In his own way.”

Billy 2: “Cheers Billy. And thanks Billy.”

Billy 3: “No problem Billy. I think we can all agree that Rangers’* new signings are the best Scotland has seen in many a year. And it’s a dream move for the players themselves. They will think all their Christmases have come at once playing in front of the World’s Best Fans and hearing all of our songs!”

Billy: “Aye. I read in the paper that these signings put in place the foundations for Pedro’s new house, Billy.”

Billy 3: “I think it was ‘for a great season ahead’, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Yes that’s right Billy. I read in another paper that it’s a revolution. Like they had in France, Billy.”

Billy: “Brilliant Billy! When do the Tims get guillotined?”

Billy 3: “I think they meant ‘changing the team a lot so we can Go for 55 for real this season‘, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Well that sounds OK too Billy. Are you sure the guillotines are definitely out though?”

Billy 3: “Yes Billy. But mark my words, Rangers ARE coming, and we should be able to smell the fear from everyone else any day now. Rather than the smell of your sh*t-filled trousers.”

Billy 2: “That sounds great Billy. Mr King deserves an apology from everyone who said he wasn’t going to overinvest in the club.”

Billy: “He does Billy. He’s a real Rangers* man who only wants to get us back to where we belong.”

Billy 3: “Well said Billy. And that’s why he is  buying us the very best players. While we sign proven internationals, Celtic have surrendered and gone on holiday. They’ll always be in our shadow.”

Billy 2: “We may have been demoted by the haters in 2012 but we are still the world’s most successful club Billy!”

Billy: “We are Billy! And always will be!”

Billy 3: “Never a truer word spoken Billy! Have you lads bought your season books yet? I renewed straight away because our enemies wouldn’t want me to.”

Billy 2: “Well to be honest I haven’t yet Billy because we were shite last season.”

Billy: “Aye, we were piss poor Billy. I haven’t got my season book yet, but having seen the cash that’s being spent and the players we are signing, I am going to buy five season books!”

Billy 3: “Five, Billy?! You taking all the family next year then? That’s fantastic!”

Billy: “No. Why would I do that Billy? I go to the fitba to get away from them and sing a few traditional songs. I’m getting five season books for me because that’s how excited I am by Pedro’s spending spree, which I read about in the paper.”

Billy 2: “Five? That’s nothing Billy. I am so excited I am getting TEN season books. All for me. No one is more excited than me about Rangers* winning the Treble next year.”

Billy: “Apart from me, Billy.”

Billy 2: “No. I think I proved that I am more excited than you Billy. Now pipe down.”

Billy: “Pipe down? I’ll buy eleven season books then Billy. That’ll show you how excited I am about the coming season and the Gers’* glorious march to the title.”

Billy 2: “Well I will buy twelve and I will buy them on 12th July. It doesn’t come any more staunch than that Billy.”

Billy: “You do want me to punch you don’t you Billy?”

Billy 2: “If you fancy it, you just try Billy.”

Billy: “I will then Billy you b*stard.”

[*Thwack*]

>>>>>>

Billy and Billy were last seen heading to a police station, while Billy called a solicitor to try and get them out.

At the time of writing, no additional Sevco season books have been purchased.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

PS Billy’s previous ‘adventures’ can be found here:

Billy and Chris

Billy and Chris [Part 2]

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

WE ARE OUTRAGED!

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Good Evening.

The following statement is too fictitious to actually be released by any Sevco fans… 😉

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Enough Is Enough

At the end of a disappointing season which wasn’t so much ‘Going for 55’ as ‘Going NEVER to speak of it again’, we would like to shake our fist at the sky and shout “It isnae fair!”.

“It isnae fair!”.

There, we told you.

When we say we are going to do something, we DO it. Like that time we organised a ‘Show liquidation the red card’ protest and the club was saved.

This historic history-laden club is a massive institution. MASSIVE we tell you. And it should be winning the league every year. It is outrageous that it didn’t triumph this season and we are going to scream and scream and scream about it until we are sick.

And then the rest of Scottish football can clean up the staunch vomity mess by way of punishment.

Then we are going to throw our toys out of the pram, throw ourselves on the floor in a public place and wail until we get our own way.

Wail.

Loudly.

Making your ears bleed.

There are so many haters out there who are determined to spoil things for us. We are the best and you should all realise that fact.

In fact, you should bow down and say “Yes you ARE the People and WE are not worthy”. And then you should put on a “54 and counting t-shirt” and know your place.

And as for the so-called ‘media’… They should be ashamed of their cringemakingly sympathetic coverage of Celtic who continue to think they are a big club when they simply benefit from the terrible things done to Rangers* over the years.

Keith Jackson humiliates himself and his paper by not writing “Pedro is a great guy and fabulous manager” pieces every day. He should be banned from Ibrox forever and then a bit longer.

The Daily Rhebel, which hasn’t had a good word to say about Scotland’s biggest club in decades should be boycotted by every Rangers* fan, and the BBC – with its Liewwell propaganda should be told to f*ck off so far that it even manages to overtake Chris McLaughlin on its way out there.

Chris Sutton – who seems to think he is Chris Sutton or something – should have a proper word with himself. And that word should be “p*ss off” even though it is two words.

We are sick of criticism of our club. Sick sick sick sick sick of it. Don’t you know who we are? You all need us more than we need you. This club is the greatest and biggest in the world by any measure, although we choose not to list any measures at this particular time.

This season’s league title was ours by right. In fact the Treble is ours by right and we think it is a stain on Scottish society that we have been deprived of it.

Let all our critics and all the haters be in no doubt. We are determined to fight back. Criticism will not be tolerated. Hatred will be defeated. You WILL recognise Rangers’* greatness and you WILL say, think and do the things that we want you to.

Otherwise we will spit the dummy and cry like we have never done before.

You have been warned.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…


English Football, Premier League, Satire

A Tribute To John Terry

JT

Good Evening.

The Clumpany was moved by yesterday’s emotional events at Stamford Bridge where an actual game of competitive football in ‘the best league in the world’ was stopped in the 26th minute – by arrangement – so that Chelsea No. 26 John Terry could be substituted and acclaimed as the world’s favourite footballer, bringer of peace, healer of sickness and as the the man who single-handedly ended hunger wherever it stalked the earth.

The move has attracted some criticism for being inappropriate, disrespectful of the very concept of ‘sport’ and possibly pandering to a huge ego.

However, The Clumpany has no time for such suggestions. Especially given that I have seen the plans to further commemorate his departure from Chelsea:

  • The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service will shortly announce that 26 ‘leap’ seconds will be added to the end of 2017 to allow a thankful humanity to salute Terry in the year of his retirement for that little bit longer.
  • The 26th day of every month will henceforth be known as “JT Day”, with everyone expected to give Terry a minute’s applause at 26 minutes past each hour of the day. Including during the middle of the night.
  • All bus routes will be renumbered the ‘No.26’ in Terry’s honour.
  • The next iPhone model will be the iPhone 26. As will the one after that, and the one after that…
  • All buildings will be required to have 26 floors and be designated as Shrines of the Universal Temple of Terry. Including bungalows.
  • All telephone numbers must start and end with the number 26, and have at least two 26s in the middle of them.
  • The pop charts will be reworked so that the week’s Number 26 will always be the ‘real’ Number 1. Joe Garner is understood to favour number 31 being given special status but is understandably delighted to bow before the legend that is John Terry.
  • All football shirts will have to carry the number 26 on the back, and must be worn whenever any sort of award (sporting or otherwise) is to be awarded. Buckingham Palace has confirmed that HM The Queen “will NOT present honours to anyone disrespecting JT. Putting on his kit for the presentation when he was suspended for the Champions League Final was Terry’s finest moment, and it is important for this country’s sporting heritage to keep the precious memory alive”.

And finally:

  • Massive heating and cooling plants will be built around the world to ensure the planet maintains a constant temperature of 26 degrees centigrade to celebrate the outgoing Chelsea captain’s heroism. Fahrenheit will be abolished so as not to cause him any offence.

I don’t know about you, but I think the above is the very least that the Magnificent John Terry deserves.

All hail the Great Leader!

#KeepOnClumping

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Big Sevco Investment Plan

IMG_4060Good Evening.

Not likely to appear in a newspaper anytime soon.

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Dave King Expected To Reinvest Hot Air Into Rangers*

A golden future is predicted if all previous empty rhetoric is directed back into the club.

By A. Shit-Shoveler.

Dave King hopes to turn things around at Ibrox with an eye-catching plan to reinvest all the hot air spoken about building the best side in Scotland since the Glorious Takeover of March 2015.

Not only will things look different at Ibrox, but it is also understood that Rangers* expect to turn a considerable profit in almost no time at all.

A source close to the latest developments said “What do you mean you smell sh*te? You aren’t going to say that in the paper are you? Good. Anyway, yes there is a fantastic plan to win games and make Rangers* an absolute fortune.

Insisting on maintaining his anonymity, the insider continued “You know all the hot air there has been about investment, over investment, children’s inheritances and ‘doing whatever it takes’ over the past two years? Well the plan is to put it to good use with ‘Operation Scorched Earth’.

“All that hot air will be blown back on to the pitch during every game. And f*ck me is there a lot of hot air to blow. The Rangers* players will be wise to the plan and wear protective outfits. Preferably astronaut suits, but if the budget doesn’t stretch that far they might use cling film instead.

“The visiting sides won’t have a clue what to expect when they turn up because the media can be relied upon to pretend that no one is wearing heat shielding. The opposition will be burnt to a crisp before half-time and Rangers* will win the league.  Especially when the SPFL agrees to let Rangers* play their first eleven games at home and all their opponents end up being out for the rest of the season with chronic dehydration or worse. Champions League here we come!”

Turning his attention to the business benefits that Operation Scorched Earth might bring, our source explained excitedly: “Aside from the prize money for winning the league and a shot at Champions League riches, the hot air that’s been produced is so unbelievably intense that it will turn the Ibrox pitch into a desert and then inches-thick glass.

“What a business opportunity that will be! We can sell ‘Rangers* double-glazing’ to interested punters at a huge mark-up. The fact that it won’t be real double glazing is neither here nor there. After all, none of the faithful cares that it’s not the real Rangers* they are following do they?”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

The William Wallace Podcast

Wallace

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is delighted to confirm the launch of a multimedia service which will enable you to get to know the Scottish legend who was famously portrayed by Mel Gibson in the film of his autobiography.

Wallace is a name known throughout the world, but how many of us can claim to really know the victor of Stirling Bridge: what he eats for breakfast, his favourite pubs, where he goes on holiday, and whether he prefers EastEnders to Coronation Street?

Well now you have the chance to find out! For a small fee, you can gain access to The Clumpany’s new premium interactive ‘Wallacevision’ service, which will bring you:

  • Weekly podcasts in which The Clumpany and Wallace will discuss the week’s news and sport, and slag off football phone-ins.
  • Wallace’s Video Diary, in which Sir William will give subscribers an insight into his daily life working in a branch of Homebase, playing darts for his local pub, and acting as a volunteer Bingo caller at sheltered housing for elderly people.
  • Live online Q&A sessions with Wallace, where you set the agenda. Especially if the agenda is about late-13th and early-14th Century Scotland.
  • An exclusive 15-part documentary series “Wallace Visits London Again” where the great man goes to Westminster Abbey and makes a series of obscene gestures at the tomb of Edward I.
  • Access to “What’s App William?”, an innovative new app for your smartphone which allows you to recreate the experience of being hung, drawn and quartered, and which offers a unique insight into how Wallace somehow survived and lived on into the 21st Century.

This exciting new history-making, credulity-stretching, death-defying service is available to anyone in exchange for a copy of Rangers FC’s ‘end of administration’ certificate.

Don’t all rush at once…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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