Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

His Big Mikeness Strikes Again

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has greatly enjoyed the MSM’s coverage of His Big Mikeness’s latest legal manoeuvrings, which threaten to hinder sales of Sevco merchandise. Merchandise which includes the pile of slightly adapted generic kits that Hummel possibly never expected to sell in the first place until Dave King chapped on their door.

My main source of amusement has been the way that the Scottish football MSM has maintained a po-faced demeanour suggesting that they were bringing a new story to the punters when the simple fact of the matter was that they were only telling us what we already knew.

This seems to happen quite often and makes you wonder whether the MSM is still locked into a mindset that only THEY break real news, and ‘folk on the Internet’ such as Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and the wider Bampot community don’t.

You get the impression that the social media brigades could have all the training, track records, sources and NUJ cards in the world and yet it still wouldn’t count in the eyes of those working for ‘Proper News Organisations’. Whatever they are.

I don’t suggest that these were the exact thoughts that ran through the minds of those in the outlets which reported on Ashley’s latest move many hours after Phil had put the story out there and the online community had looked at some points of detail. I am sure that these folk are doing their jobs in good faith.

However, the whole spectacle, and the mocking reaction of a lot of people on social media speaks volumes about the state of the ‘traditional’ coverage of the often-pantomime that is Scottish football.

There is a real thirst out there for timely information about significant developments, and for some decent, thought-provoking analysis. Phil delivered it yesterday, and so-called ‘Bampots’ quickly waded in. It was fascinating and engaging stuff.

Frankly, someone from a mainstream outlet popping up online the following day and saying that a story about it would follow soon doesn’t cut the mustard. Especially when that story turns out to be little more than the bare bones of what we already knew.

I don’t want to do a hatchet job on anyone over this, but I do want to point out that the exasperation and mockery that has been expressed over the mainstream coverage of the latest Ashley/Sevco litigation seems to be entirely appropriate. Not least because it so clearly illustrates the continuing and possibly ultimately fatal shortcomings of the ‘old ways’ of covering Scottish football.

We deserve better.



Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Sunday Newspapers Need To Move To A Different Day

Good Evening

Not appearing in a Sunday newspaper any time soon. 😉


The Sunday Newspapers Love Being Published On A Sunday But Need To Move To Fulfil Their Potential

The Clumpany reckons that the Scottish Sunday papers would love to stick around in their ‘second half of the weekend’ slot, but deep down they know that they need to test themselves elsewhere.

By T. Clumpany

The Clumpany has long felt that while they might be well-established and comfortable in their traditional slot, the Sunday papers were always likely to have to contemplate a move that would take them out of their comfort zone.

I would like to make it clear that I do not subscribe to the view of my good pal Alan (who I still haven’t seen in ages) that the entire mainstream media should just “piss off into oblivion”. That seems an unnecessarily harsh perspective (and no, I don’t say that because I think they should f*ck off to oblivion instead. 😉).

No, I feel confident that Scotland’s Sunday papers still have a contribution to make towards our understanding of world events and the sport we love. However, I have no doubt that those responsible for them know deep down that they are ready for a fresh challenge.

It is perhaps unfortunate for them that the challenge may have come knocking on their door sooner than they expected. Or, to be more precise, knocking and then dragging them out of the house before bundling them into the back of a van. But there is no accounting for events overtaking you.

So the choice now facing the Scottish Sunday papers is whether to cling on to the same old routine and an all-too-familiar environment like a house guest who has so far outstayed their welcome that you don’t know whether to call them a taxi or a hearse. Or to instead make a bold move and seize an exciting new opportunity.

The Clumpany can now exclusively reveal that the Scottish Sunday papers are about to be offered a move to a different day, courtesy of the generosity of the Bampot Community. The fine details of the offer are yet to be hammered out but The Clumpany feels sure that these papers will end up much better appreciated if they take up the challenge.

The day on offer is the 29th February, and to sweeten the deal the Bampot Community accepts that the papers could still be published when it falls on a Sunday. With 100 years’ notice.

Oh yes, and that’s the 29th February on (or up?) Uranus.

What’s it to be lads? Wasting away where you are in Scottish Sundays, or going for something more challenging?


Meanwhile… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Don’t Mention The Bus

Shhh. You haven’t seen this…


Just don’t, OK.

Do not mention any buses.

There is no need for a bus, but if there was, there would be a bus available. You can be absolutely certain about that.

People can get very upset about buses.

Fortunately, it is possible to do things in a bus-free way and avoid any unnecessary bus-related anxiety or public displays of irritation.

In such circumstances you can dispense with having a bus to do things that might ordinarily involve a bus.

You can be gloriously bus free, and enjoy a walk or a ride on a non-bus mode of transport.

Like a buggie, a pogo stick, or a scooter. Those things are definitely not buses.

Other non-bus options might include a rocket. Perhaps a complete and utter rocket. Who knows?

If you felt like relying on nature you would not use a bus, and might instead await a particularly strong gust of wind to get you from A to B.

Or you could hope to be propelled by a sudden earthquake. Now that really would be a lively means of non-bus transportation!

Failing that, you could perhaps hope to be propelled along by the force of a person’s sharp wit and insightful commentary. OK in the case of some people you might then end up waiting a bloody long time to be moved, but at least there would be no bus involved and no need for one.

Whatever your choice, it is important not to mention buses.

Do not discuss buses in any way shape or form. All is well with the world when it comes to buses, and no good can come of talking about them.

So please do not mention buses.

I for one would certainly never dream of doing so.


Meanwhile… 😉


NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of bus…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Only ‘Shaking’ Titles Count

Good Evening .

The Clumpany has been deep in emergency conversion with a group of Sevco fans and feels compelled to update you on the outcome

The conclave was hastily-convened to consider the merits of Celtic winning an unprecedented Scottish double-Treble.

It had come to my attention that both residual Rangers fans AND follow-Followers of Sevco had been suggesting that Celtic had achieved nothing of note.

Somewhat surprised by this greater-than-usual display of f*ckwittery, I asked the assembled company to explain what it would actually take for Celtic to deliver a valid footballing achievement given that titles won without an Ibrox club in the top flight are seemingly worthless, and two Trebles won while the latest version of Rangers is competing for Premiership honours are apparently tainted.

The answer I received was – to be fair – unambiguous. Apparently titles won by Celtic are not valid if Rangers* are in the top flight, or if they are out of the top flight.

Apparently titles only count if Celtic are shaking it all about in a manner of Sevco fans’ whim-based choosing.

I asked for clarification of what proof of the above-mentioned ‘shaking’ would actually look like, but was told that I am ‘obsessed’.

There is no arguing with that sort of ‘logic’, is there?!


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

When Sevco REALLY Disappoints…

Good Evening. [It’s been a while…]

Here is some ‘news’ that you won’t read in tomorrow’s papers…


The Rangers* Bus Falls Short

The four-wheeled wonder somehow fell short of our shamelessly-exaggerated ‘expectations’.

By A. Hype-Fest

Rangers* fans were today left reeling by the news (which they somehow never saw coming) that the team’s new bus isn’t actually going to be a perpetual motion machine which will solve the world’s energy crisis and save the environment while also delivering a reliable run to an away fixture in Dundee.

Rumours had abounded that Rangers* were about to acquire a bus that would change the world by proving that cheap, inexhaustible energy was available to everyone, whilst also generating the funds to deliver multiple Champions League titles to Ibrox.

Sadly however, these rumours proved to be unfounded, with the Rangers* team actually being set to hitchhike to games next season, and the world as a whole being left with no choice but to burn itself to a fossil fuel-based cinder.

Rangers* fan Billy McGuillibly expressed the disappointment of many fans at the news.

“Fuck the environment. Stevie G is here for 55 and he needs the money generated by the bus-based creation of an unlimited source of energy.

“How can the papers treat me like this with their bullshit stories of perpetual motion machines and untold riches?

“I’m going to write a complaint on the back of this season ticket that I just bought.”

“What sort of idiot do they take me for?”




NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Desperate Plea To Dave King

Good Evening.

The Clumpany didn’t see the following on a Sevco fans’ forum….


Dear Dave King.

We deserve better.

We really do.

Rangers* fans have shown their commitment to this club* over many decades by eventually finding someone who can hold a pen and who is prepared to write a vaguely coherent message to you.

The least you can do in return is pander to us as if we are screaming toddlers who won’t tolerate not having our own way.

Our request of you is simple and surely easy to deliver.

1) An end to Catholicism in Scotland. We would be prepared to accept an interim step of separate schools closing immediately. However, we would still expect you to have deliverable plans to eradicate the Roman Church from the entire country faster than we can sing “f*ck the Pope”.

2) The expulsion of all Irishness from Scotland. Especially the really Fenian sort of Irishness. And if the Rangers* board could have a band playing ‘The Billy Boys’ and ‘The Famine Song’ as the expulsion happens that would be especially welcome.

3) The beheading of Peter Lawwell. Whilst we feel sure that Liewell’s hidden hand was responsible for Rangers’* demotion in 2012, we can’t tell our arses from our elbows so feel that the loss of a head would be a reasonable punishment.

4) The eradication of all free speech that suggests our historic, history-laden, ancient club was liquidated by liquidators in 2012. For far too long our club* has stood idly by while its enemies have claimed to speak “blindingly obvious truths about insolvency law that we all saw unfolding at the time”.

5) A team on the pitch that wins every game. We do not want to turn up to games with a Rangers* victory left to chance. It should be guaranteed! For that is the Rangers* way. Any board which cannot deliver perpetual success by facing down the hatred of people who say that creditors should be paid and the football rule book should be obeyed is clearly unworthy of the unbroken history of this club*.

Mr King, Her Majesty expects you to deliver victory against those who refuse to show due deference to the Crown and Rangers*.

We are tired of excuses, Mr King. An anti-Catholic, anti-Irish, anti-Lawwell, anti-free speech club with a team that never loses is surely not too much to ask.

Is it?

Oh, and an orange away top would be great too.

Yours Loyally.

Billy McStauch (Not surrendering, except to Rangers’* next bit of spin)



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun!

Celtic, Hibernian, Scottish Football

How To Deal With A Celtic Defeat

Good Evening.

Here are some Clumpany tips following today’s Hibs-Celtic game.

If you are a Celtic fan who has seen it all and who possesses a sense of perspective, you deserve a pat on the back.

If you are a Hibs fan, get yourself several large drinks. Three points have been well earned at the business end of the season. Your side had a good go at Celtic and won the game. Fair play to them!

If you are a Sevco fan enjoying Celtic getting beaten, or a Celtic fan feeling utterly anguished about the Hoops’ third domestic defeat in almost two full seasons then I have the following to say to you…

FFS get a grip. This is football. It is a competitive sport, and while we all may have lived through decades of win-at-all costs cheating by the first Ibrox club, that doesn’t mean that it was even remotely normal or acceptable! Despite the attitude of governing bodies and some journalists.

Sport is supposed to be competitive,

Upsets are supposed to happen.

If sport is rigged and/or predictable, it is wrong!

No really.

For the benefit of any David Murray era-pining Sevco fans/ journalists (or People who are both – you know who you are…), let me make something absolutely clear….

Sport is almost always at its best when upsets can happen.

When every team and their supporters can have a day in the sun,

When expectation and any sort of sense of entitlement can be blown out of the water.

This is what you sign up for when you take an interest in sport. If you expect perpetual success, or require your team to do ‘whatever it takes’ to win, then you are a dangerous individual who should be kept away from any sort of position of responsibility.

Because you are a menace.

You don’t want to see a sport. You want to see a procession in honour of your own self-centredness.

You want to have your aching insecurities soothed by shafting others.

And as such, you really should GTF and spend your time in a more appropriate manner than pretending to like football.

Perhaps you could buy a bike and chase after Lance Armstrong to get his autograph?

Hopefully it will turn out to be written in invisible ink and you will learn a valuable lesson.

Well done Hibs!

Let’s get it right next time, Celtic!