Champions League, Satire, Scottish Football

Real Madrid: Sold For Scrap


Good Evening.

Congratulations to Real Madrid on winning the Champions League last night. Using the David King Bullshit-Soundbite Principle, I am delighted to confirm that the presence of Celtic in this year’s competition proper means that Real’s triumph actually counts.

Well done lads!

As you might expect, the victors were delighted at the end of the game. Not only had they become Champions of Europe for 2016-17, but they had also notched up a record-stretching twelfth European Cup/ Champions League title. Whatever you may think about Real Madrid over the years, the cumulative achievement – including three titles in four years – is quite something.

However, I have no doubt that some peddler of pish will soon pipe up and argue that one team dominating makes the competition boring and risks creating a crisis in European football which will see fans walking away.

Because that’s the sort of crap we get to hear about Scottish football from people who really should know better (and indeed who probably do know better) but who hanker after long-discredited sham of a game rather than teams playing by the rules and living within their means.

And these bizarre individuals expect you to buy their papers and listen to/ watch their broadcasts! 😂

What a joke!

But I digress…

Clumpany sources tell me that Real Madrid’s euphoria last night may have been justified, but it was also extremely short-lived. After the players collected the trophy and returned to the dressing room, one of them made the fatal mistake of going online on his phone.

Oh dear.

For when he looked at Twitter he suddenly realised that twelve European titles aren’t really that impressive at all. Because his timeline contained tweets about the world’s most successful club being Rangers, who are ’54 and counting’. Or something.

Ashen-faced, he passed his phone around the dressing room and one by one the players and staff of Real Madrid fell silent as they realised that all their efforts were ultimately worthless.

The Spaniards’ head of media made a few phone calls to check the truth of the tweets. He was eventually and unexpectedly put through to the Scottish offices of noted Spanish football historians Nivel Cinco who told him that yes indeed Rangers are the world’s most successful football club.

As you can imagine, everyone was utterly distraught, and The Clumpany understands that in a fit of pique, Real’s twelve European Cups are now being sent to the scrapyard. No one at the club wants to be associated with the embarrassingly hollow boasts that could be made about all that European silverware when someone else is clearly more successful.

Fair play to them for knowing their place and realising that they are NOT ‘The People’.

However, don’t be fooled into believing that Real Madrid have thrown in the towel completely. The Clumpany hears that their disappointment has served to give them a steely resolve to overcome Rangers in the glory stakes.

Word reaches me that Real’s twelve European Cups will be melted down and refashioned into a giant hand sticking two fingers up in the air. This will then be photographed and copies sent to an army of creditors. Real Madrid will then liquidate, their assets will be reformed into a new club, and Real will claim to have bought enough history (from anyone prepared to sell it) in order to have

  • a large number of domestic cups
  • one European trophy which still smells of the toilet in which it was presented; and
  • 55 domestic league titles.

A compliant media will be expected to pretend it is still the same Real Madrid, the domestic authorities will bite their tongue, and the Real fan base will play their part by hounding anyone who points out that this is a massive intelligence-insulting pisstake.

However, care will be taken to ensure that the single European trophy isn’t a European Cup. 

Because that would blow the entire sham’s cover at a stroke.

After all, it is blindingly obvious that the world’s most successful club wouldn’t ever actually win the Big Cup.

Isn’t it?


Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The World’s Staunchest Sevco Fan


Good Morning.

Not overheard on a bus this morning…


Billy: “I’m so excited, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Why’s that, Billy.”

Billy: “Have you not seen Billy? Rangers* are coming!”

Billy 2: “Oh aye. I think I’m even more excited than you are Billy.”

Billy: “I doubt that Billy.”

Billy 2: “No, I am MORE excited than you Billy”

Billy: “No you aren’t Billy.”

Billy 2: “Yes I am Billy.”

Billy: “I don’t think you are Billy, you idiot.”

Billy 2: “Are you trying to make something out of it, Billy?”

Billy: “Yes I am pal. I AM more excited than you about Rangers*. No one is more staunch than me in terms of Loyal excitement Billy.”

Billy 2: “Bullshit Billy. I’ve been excited about Rangers’* signings in this transfer window since 1872. And I wasn’t even born then.”

Billy: “Do you want me to punch you? I’ve been excited about these signings since 1690 when King Billy told me how thrilled HE was about them. And I wasn’t born then either.”

Billy 2: “I’d like to see you try and punch me Billy. F*ck you and your substandard excitement about Rangers’* new signings.”

Billy: “It’s like that then, is it Billy? I’m going to have to beat the crap out of you am I?”

Billy 2: “In your dreams Billy mate.”

Billy 3: “Lads! Lads! What’s going on? Why are you shouting?”

Billy: “Oh hi Billy. This f*ckwit says he’s more excited about Rangers’* new signings than I am.”

Billy 2: “Morning Billy. Yes I am. I actually pissed my pants when I heard about them, and I have just soiled myself thinking about them again. My insides are just so excited!”

Billy 3: “Unsurpassed dignity as always Billy. You are a credit to the club. Isn’t he Billy?.”

Billy: “Well maybe he is Billy. In his own way.”

Billy 2: “Cheers Billy. And thanks Billy.”

Billy 3: “No problem Billy. I think we can all agree that Rangers’* new signings are the best Scotland has seen in many a year. And it’s a dream move for the players themselves. They will think all their Christmases have come at once playing in front of the World’s Best Fans and hearing all of our songs!”

Billy: “Aye. I read in the paper that these signings put in place the foundations for Pedro’s new house, Billy.”

Billy 3: “I think it was ‘for a great season ahead’, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Yes that’s right Billy. I read in another paper that it’s a revolution. Like they had in France, Billy.”

Billy: “Brilliant Billy! When do the Tims get guillotined?”

Billy 3: “I think they meant ‘changing the team a lot so we can Go for 55 for real this season‘, Billy.”

Billy 2: “Well that sounds OK too Billy. Are you sure the guillotines are definitely out though?”

Billy 3: “Yes Billy. But mark my words, Rangers ARE coming, and we should be able to smell the fear from everyone else any day now. Rather than the smell of your sh*t-filled trousers.”

Billy 2: “That sounds great Billy. Mr King deserves an apology from everyone who said he wasn’t going to overinvest in the club.”

Billy: “He does Billy. He’s a real Rangers* man who only wants to get us back to where we belong.”

Billy 3: “Well said Billy. And that’s why he is  buying us the very best players. While we sign proven internationals, Celtic have surrendered and gone on holiday. They’ll always be in our shadow.”

Billy 2: “We may have been demoted by the haters in 2012 but we are still the world’s most successful club Billy!”

Billy: “We are Billy! And always will be!”

Billy 3: “Never a truer word spoken Billy! Have you lads bought your season books yet? I renewed straight away because our enemies wouldn’t want me to.”

Billy 2: “Well to be honest I haven’t yet Billy because we were shite last season.”

Billy: “Aye, we were piss poor Billy. I haven’t got my season book yet, but having seen the cash that’s being spent and the players we are signing, I am going to buy five season books!”

Billy 3: “Five, Billy?! You taking all the family next year then? That’s fantastic!”

Billy: “No. Why would I do that Billy? I go to the fitba to get away from them and sing a few traditional songs. I’m getting five season books for me because that’s how excited I am by Pedro’s spending spree, which I read about in the paper.”

Billy 2: “Five? That’s nothing Billy. I am so excited I am getting TEN season books. All for me. No one is more excited than me about Rangers* winning the Treble next year.”

Billy: “Apart from me, Billy.”

Billy 2: “No. I think I proved that I am more excited than you Billy. Now pipe down.”

Billy: “Pipe down? I’ll buy eleven season books then Billy. That’ll show you how excited I am about the coming season and the Gers’* glorious march to the title.”

Billy 2: “Well I will buy twelve and I will buy them on 12th July. It doesn’t come any more staunch than that Billy.”

Billy: “You do want me to punch you don’t you Billy?”

Billy 2: “If you fancy it, you just try Billy.”

Billy: “I will then Billy you b*stard.”



Billy and Billy were last seen heading to a police station, while Billy called a solicitor to try and get them out.

At the time of writing, no additional Sevco season books have been purchased.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

PS Billy’s previous ‘adventures’ can be found here:

Billy and Chris

Billy and Chris [Part 2]

Celtic, Scottish Cup, Scottish Football

The Hangover From Heaven


Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany did not enjoy Saturday’s Scottish Cup Final.

It was quite a novel experience to discover that an ethereal entity could feel so sick. I was nervous all morning and then absolutely nauseous throughout the match.

As they did for large parts of the recent league game, Aberdeen worked unbelievably hard, and pressed Celtic (who were undoubtedly not at their best) as no other Scottish team has all season. And on another day Aberdeen might have taken their chances and won the game. [Mind you they also might easily have gone down to ten men during the first half! 😉]

But that didn’t happen, I am delighted to say. Celtic battled and turned the screw as Aberdeen tired, and they somehow found a winning goal in injury time.

It was tough on Aberdeen. I have many Dons on my timeline who are great folk, who give their team fantastic support and who want the same reforms in the governance of our game as large numbers of Celtic fans. It was hard for me not to feel some sympathy for them as their side went down at the death like that.

Some sympathy.

Because as the state of my ethereal stomach attested, I would have been absolutely mortified if Aberdeen had won. Having gone through the league unbeaten, won the League Cup and arrived at the threshold of an Invincible Treble – a feat never likely to be repeated – it would have been demoralising to see it snatched away. Brendan Rodgers and his team have performed brilliantly this season, and they totally deserved their place in history.

Anyone who suggests that winning trophies must be meaningless to Celtic fans given the club’s resources and track record can quite frankly take a running jump. Saturday was absolutely excruciating, and the joy of prevailing was exquisite, just as it was after the League Cup Final and after Celtic clinched the title against Hearts.

Mind you, the agony was nothing compared to the experience of the monumental hangover endured by The Clumpany on Sunday.  I can only assume that my 15th Buckie and Bleach on Saturday night was a ‘bad pint’.

He was sneered at, but Derek McInnes was probably correct in his pre-match comments/ ‘mind games’. There could have been a lingering sense of anticlimax about a great season had Celtic lost the Scottish Cup final. And personally I think the last thing they deserved was an anticlimax.

Celtic have been relentless this season. Relentless even when the flair for which they have been applauded was absent and they simply had to grind out results from somewhere.

For me, one of the best indicators of their unrelenting efforts this season is their December results: eight league games, eight wins, plus a Champions League draw at Manchester City.

Simply magnificent.

Others will write detailed analyses of this historic season and the contribution of various players (for me the rejuvenated Scott Brown was the standout across the season, but I am happy to hear the arguments for others). The work of Brendan Rodgers and his backroom staff who have performed a near-miracle with (mainly) Ronny Deila’s team will also receive forensic coverage.

However, I simply wanted to say well done and thank you to all concerned, including the Celtic board who made the Rodgers appointment happen, and the fans who were magnificent every step of the way, and who heeded the manager’s call for patience at the start of the season.

It is not an exaggeration to say that the 2016-17 campaign was a worthy tribute to the Lisbon Lions, the 50th anniversary of whose European Cup triumph was recently celebrated in such fantastic style.

The Lisbon Lions: How To Live Forever

I will mention the defeats to Lincoln Red Imps and Barcelona in Europe because they ARE part of the story of the season – and uncomfortable parts too. Ultimately however, the thing to take away from them is that they were not THE story of the season. They happened and they were bad moments. But they didn’t define Celtic’s campaign. The Hoops made the Champions League group stages for the first time in three years (which most of us would have defined as a huge success before the start of the season) and got three creditable draws, including a 3-3 draw against Manchester City on one of THOSE epic nights at Celtic Park. Not only did Celtic pick up a point that evening, they also showed a host of Premier League teams how to play against the previously-imperious Pep Guardiola’s side, whose season was never quite the same again.

This season was one of progress for Celtic. Lots and lots of progress, which amazingly included winning an unbeaten Treble.

An. Unbeaten. Treble.

What can they possibly do for an encore?

Well, Rodgers’ every utterance speaks about development and building for the future so it seems highly unlikely that Celtic will rest on their laurels. Champions League football with group stage wins and a longer European campaign would be amazing, but let us be in no doubt about quite how difficult that will be to achieve.

For now however, let’s take a moment to pause and salute the undefeated domestic treble-winning Champions of Scotland, who did it playing the Celtic way.

We may never see the like again.

But I hope we do, and I am sure that Brendan and everyone at the club will give it their very best shot.


Celtic, Scottish Football

The Lisbon Lions: How To Live Forever


Good Evening.

It is a happy coincidence that the 800th Clumpany blog coincides with the celebrations for the 50th anniversary of Celtic Football Club winning the European Cup in 1967.

Despite The Clumpany pouring out a torrent of surreal and occasionally pointed comments over the course of many thousands of words, I happily confess that I am utterly devoid of witty comments to make about the greatest football team ever to emerge from these islands.

‘Why bother saying anything at all then?’, you may ask. After all, that day in 1967 has been written about, discussed and dissected in a million different ways over the past half-century.

It is a fair question and my answer is simply that I wanted to say how utterly brilliant the anniversary celebrations have been.

For me, the Lions have multiple ‘personas’. All of them are praise-worthy and all of them have been applauded in the most fantastic way in recent days

The Lions as an exceptional football team have been saluted – not least through tributes from some of the greatest names in the game. However, the most striking tributes have come from the fans – in the 67th minute tribute during games this season, and through that jaw-dropping tifo prior to the final league game of the season against Hearts.

The Lions as individual human beings have been hailed in numerous interviews, profile pieces and documentaries. And yes we have been reminded of the passing of time with new photographs and footage of proud but ageing men which have been both uplifting and occasionally heartbreaking. An uncomfortable reminder that heroes can fade even if their heroism never will.

Then there has been the Lions as something akin to ‘rock stars’.  The event at the Hydro was without question big, spectacular and ‘loud’ enough to commemorate the magnitude of their achievement in Lisbon and their status as unquestioned giants in the world’s most popular sport.

And finally, the Lions as legends who accomplished deeds so fantastic that they could almost be mythical were it not for the TV footage and the physical evidence of that Big Cup which they brought home. The almost infinite variety of tales that we have seen in recent days of folk making the trek to the Estádio Nacional has reminded me of long-ago pilgrimages when people felt moved to travel long distances and make sacrifices to get as close as they could to something truly profound and to pay homage.

Of course, I am not suggesting that the Lions are religious figures. However, it feels as though the anniversary celebrations have been an expression of a sort of ‘faith’ for many, and they have certainly led to a great number of charitable acts and fundraising to help those less fortunate.

There is undoubtedly something about the scale and nature of the Lions’ achievement which speaks to people in a way that little else could – especially in the world of sport. If you want proof, you only have to look at the way a lot of people in the street, on the bus, in the pub and indeed on social media were happy and absolutely bursting with pride yesterday as they stopped to reflect on the glorious deeds of 25 May 1967.

The Lisbon Lions are not just a great football team. They are the heroes of a sport and a cause.

They also come across as throughly decent and humble human beings, who always have time and an encouraging word for other people. It is arguably this decency and humility – which most of us try (and often fail) to attain – which is the most remarkable thing of all about them.

Put simply, keeping your feet on the ground and remaining an example to others when countless people constantly shout about your achievements is a truly incredible thing to do. Especially over a period of many decades.

The 50th anniversary celebrations of the 2-1 victory over Inter Milan have been perfectly executed and all those involved in organising them should be applauded for their enormous efforts.

For obvious reasons I suspect there will never again be commemorations on the scale of those seen recently. However, it really doesn’t matter. Every single facet of who the Lions are and what they achieved has been marked in magnificent fashion and I have no doubt that wherever they go and whatever they do in the coming years, they will be left in no doubt about how much they are treasured.

And many years from now, when we are all gone, their achievements will still be remembered and spoken about with reverence.

This means that the Lisbon Lions will live forever.

Which is the very least that they deserve.

Thank you for reading.


Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco



Good Evening.

The following statement is too fictitious to actually be released by any Sevco fans… 😉


Enough Is Enough

At the end of a disappointing season which wasn’t so much ‘Going for 55’ as ‘Going NEVER to speak of it again’, we would like to shake our fist at the sky and shout “It isnae fair!”.

“It isnae fair!”.

There, we told you.

When we say we are going to do something, we DO it. Like that time we organised a ‘Show liquidation the red card’ protest and the club was saved.

This historic history-laden club is a massive institution. MASSIVE we tell you. And it should be winning the league every year. It is outrageous that it didn’t triumph this season and we are going to scream and scream and scream about it until we are sick.

And then the rest of Scottish football can clean up the staunch vomity mess by way of punishment.

Then we are going to throw our toys out of the pram, throw ourselves on the floor in a public place and wail until we get our own way.



Making your ears bleed.

There are so many haters out there who are determined to spoil things for us. We are the best and you should all realise that fact.

In fact, you should bow down and say “Yes you ARE the People and WE are not worthy”. And then you should put on a “54 and counting t-shirt” and know your place.

And as for the so-called ‘media’… They should be ashamed of their cringemakingly sympathetic coverage of Celtic who continue to think they are a big club when they simply benefit from the terrible things done to Rangers* over the years.

Keith Jackson humiliates himself and his paper by not writing “Pedro is a great guy and fabulous manager” pieces every day. He should be banned from Ibrox forever and then a bit longer.

The Daily Rhebel, which hasn’t had a good word to say about Scotland’s biggest club in decades should be boycotted by every Rangers* fan, and the BBC – with its Liewwell propaganda should be told to f*ck off so far that it even manages to overtake Chris McLaughlin on its way out there.

Chris Sutton – who seems to think he is Chris Sutton or something – should have a proper word with himself. And that word should be “p*ss off” even though it is two words.

We are sick of criticism of our club. Sick sick sick sick sick of it. Don’t you know who we are? You all need us more than we need you. This club is the greatest and biggest in the world by any measure, although we choose not to list any measures at this particular time.

This season’s league title was ours by right. In fact the Treble is ours by right and we think it is a stain on Scottish society that we have been deprived of it.

Let all our critics and all the haters be in no doubt. We are determined to fight back. Criticism will not be tolerated. Hatred will be defeated. You WILL recognise Rangers’* greatness and you WILL say, think and do the things that we want you to.

Otherwise we will spit the dummy and cry like we have never done before.

You have been warned.



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Big Sevco Investment Plan

IMG_4060Good Evening.

Not likely to appear in a newspaper anytime soon.


Dave King Expected To Reinvest Hot Air Into Rangers*

A golden future is predicted if all previous empty rhetoric is directed back into the club.

By A. Shit-Shoveler.

Dave King hopes to turn things around at Ibrox with an eye-catching plan to reinvest all the hot air spoken about building the best side in Scotland since the Glorious Takeover of March 2015.

Not only will things look different at Ibrox, but it is also understood that Rangers* expect to turn a considerable profit in almost no time at all.

A source close to the latest developments said “What do you mean you smell sh*te? You aren’t going to say that in the paper are you? Good. Anyway, yes there is a fantastic plan to win games and make Rangers* an absolute fortune.

Insisting on maintaining his anonymity, the insider continued “You know all the hot air there has been about investment, over investment, children’s inheritances and ‘doing whatever it takes’ over the past two years? Well the plan is to put it to good use with ‘Operation Scorched Earth’.

“All that hot air will be blown back on to the pitch during every game. And f*ck me is there a lot of hot air to blow. The Rangers* players will be wise to the plan and wear protective outfits. Preferably astronaut suits, but if the budget doesn’t stretch that far they might use cling film instead.

“The visiting sides won’t have a clue what to expect when they turn up because the media can be relied upon to pretend that no one is wearing heat shielding. The opposition will be burnt to a crisp before half-time and Rangers* will win the league.  Especially when the SPFL agrees to let Rangers* play their first eleven games at home and all their opponents end up being out for the rest of the season with chronic dehydration or worse. Champions League here we come!”

Turning his attention to the business benefits that Operation Scorched Earth might bring, our source explained excitedly: “Aside from the prize money for winning the league and a shot at Champions League riches, the hot air that’s been produced is so unbelievably intense that it will turn the Ibrox pitch into a desert and then inches-thick glass.

“What a business opportunity that will be! We can sell ‘Rangers* double-glazing’ to interested punters at a huge mark-up. The fact that it won’t be real double glazing is neither here nor there. After all, none of the faithful cares that it’s not the real Rangers* they are following do they?”



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Break Up Of The Celtic Squad 


Good Evening.

The Clumpany brings you dramatic news courtesy of a completely fictitious article which won’t be appearing in a Scottish newspaper. Probably…


Celtic Squad Facing Dramatic Transfer Swoop

Piss-take Sport understands that the successful Celtic squad looks set to be ravaged this summer by intergalactic raiders.

Having seen off interest from the English Premier League, and having indicated that they are not a selling club, the Scottish Champions are about to discover that resistance is futile as aliens from the planet Jumpshark make a dramatic move.

A source close to the Jumpsharkian high command said “Does this costume and voice modifier seem convincing? Let’s do this quickly as the PR company could only afford to hire them for half an hour. Oh is that thing recording? Sh*t! Let’s get on with it!

“Yes it’s true, the Sharkjumpians have been monitoring the progress of Celtic under Brendan Rodgers since the return of Rangers* to the top flight scared Dermot Desmond into action. 

They think that Celtic have some quality players who are certain to get bored of playing at Celtic Park. They believe they could do a job in the Sharkjumpian Super League playing against real-life Subbuteo players bred in laboratories on one of the planet’s many moons.”

The departure of most of the Celtic squad would be a massive blow to the Parkhead side as well as giving a tremendous boost to Rangers’* title hopes next season. What’s more, it is understood that the aliens are unlikely to take no for an answer should Peter Lawwell try and stand in their way.

The Sharkjumpian Super League is booming and those in charge will stop at nothing to get all the best Celtic players” said our source. “Their preferred method will be to line up a pretend friendly for Celtic against the ‘Area 51 All Stars’ in Nevada, and then kidknap them when they get off the bus.

However, in the extremely unlikely event of Celtic not falling for this cunning ruse, the Sharkjumpians will simply teleport all the players to their ship while they sleep. There really is no hiding place for them.”

The sudden intergalactic disappearance of the best Celtic players will be a huge disappointment to the Parkhead faithful, but our alien contact believes it will be good news for Rangers* fans.

“With a weakened Celtic side and Pedro Caixinha’s big plans backed by Dave King, this is sure to be the season when Rangers* return to their rightful place at the top of Scottish football. If I were a Rangers* fan and not a [*cough*] anonymous source from a distant world, I would certainly be snapping up an Ibrox season book now by calling the number at the bottom of this page.

I definitely wouldn’t wait until after the Sharkjumpians have abducted the best Celtic players. My advice is to buy early and buy often.”



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…