Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Desperate Plea To Dave King

Good Evening.

The Clumpany didn’t see the following on a Sevco fans’ forum….

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Dear Dave King.

We deserve better.

We really do.

Rangers* fans have shown their commitment to this club* over many decades by eventually finding someone who can hold a pen and who is prepared to write a vaguely coherent message to you.

The least you can do in return is pander to us as if we are screaming toddlers who won’t tolerate not having our own way.

Our request of you is simple and surely easy to deliver.

1) An end to Catholicism in Scotland. We would be prepared to accept an interim step of separate schools closing immediately. However, we would still expect you to have deliverable plans to eradicate the Roman Church from the entire country faster than we can sing “f*ck the Pope”.

2) The expulsion of all Irishness from Scotland. Especially the really Fenian sort of Irishness. And if the Rangers* board could have a band playing ‘The Billy Boys’ and ‘The Famine Song’ as the expulsion happens that would be especially welcome.

3) The beheading of Peter Lawwell. Whilst we feel sure that Liewell’s hidden hand was responsible for Rangers’* demotion in 2012, we can’t tell our arses from our elbows so feel that the loss of a head would be a reasonable punishment.

4) The eradication of all free speech that suggests our historic, history-laden, ancient club was liquidated by liquidators in 2012. For far too long our club* has stood idly by while its enemies have claimed to speak “blindingly obvious truths about insolvency law that we all saw unfolding at the time”.

5) A team on the pitch that wins every game. We do not want to turn up to games with a Rangers* victory left to chance. It should be guaranteed! For that is the Rangers* way. Any board which cannot deliver perpetual success by facing down the hatred of people who say that creditors should be paid and the football rule book should be obeyed is clearly unworthy of the unbroken history of this club*.

Mr King, Her Majesty expects you to deliver victory against those who refuse to show due deference to the Crown and Rangers*.

We are tired of excuses, Mr King. An anti-Catholic, anti-Irish, anti-Lawwell, anti-free speech club with a team that never loses is surely not too much to ask.

Is it?

Oh, and an orange away top would be great too.

Yours Loyally.

Billy McStauch (Not surrendering, except to Rangers’* next bit of spin)

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun!

Celtic, Hibernian, Scottish Football

How To Deal With A Celtic Defeat

Good Evening.

Here are some Clumpany tips following today’s Hibs-Celtic game.

If you are a Celtic fan who has seen it all and who possesses a sense of perspective, you deserve a pat on the back.

If you are a Hibs fan, get yourself several large drinks. Three points have been well earned at the business end of the season. Your side had a good go at Celtic and won the game. Fair play to them!

If you are a Sevco fan enjoying Celtic getting beaten, or a Celtic fan feeling utterly anguished about the Hoops’ third domestic defeat in almost two full seasons then I have the following to say to you…

FFS get a grip. This is football. It is a competitive sport, and while we all may have lived through decades of win-at-all costs cheating by the first Ibrox club, that doesn’t mean that it was even remotely normal or acceptable! Despite the attitude of governing bodies and some journalists.

Sport is supposed to be competitive,

Upsets are supposed to happen.

If sport is rigged and/or predictable, it is wrong!

No really.

For the benefit of any David Murray era-pining Sevco fans/ journalists (or People who are both – you know who you are…), let me make something absolutely clear….

Sport is almost always at its best when upsets can happen.

When every team and their supporters can have a day in the sun,

When expectation and any sort of sense of entitlement can be blown out of the water.

This is what you sign up for when you take an interest in sport. If you expect perpetual success, or require your team to do ‘whatever it takes’ to win, then you are a dangerous individual who should be kept away from any sort of position of responsibility.

Because you are a menace.

You don’t want to see a sport. You want to see a procession in honour of your own self-centredness.

You want to have your aching insecurities soothed by shafting others.

And as such, you really should GTF and spend your time in a more appropriate manner than pretending to like football.

Perhaps you could buy a bike and chase after Lance Armstrong to get his autograph?

Hopefully it will turn out to be written in invisible ink and you will learn a valuable lesson.

Well done Hibs!

Let’s get it right next time, Celtic!

#KeepOnClumping

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Statement From The Squirrel Party

Good Afternoon.

The following completely fictitious ‘statement’ has made its way to Clumpany Towers. I am publishing it for your information…

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A Statement From The Squirrel Party

The Squirrel Party has had contact with a number of its members over the past few weeks. They have been concerned about the person who keeps coming into Rangers* games with the world’s biggest ghetto blaster and playing songs such as The Billy Boys, F*ck The Pope and Lisbon Lions Won’t See Ten-In-A-Row at such ear-shredding volume that it is easy to mistake it for the massed voices of over 40,000 people.

This shadowy anonymous figure is giving the haters and rabid agenda-driven politicians and journalists an excuse to criticise the exemplary behaviour of the most Loyal fans in the world. Fans who typically remain mute throughout games save for the occasional round of applause and twirling of their old-school football rattles.

We can confirm that we have written to the relevant authorities, politicians and journalists to put them in the picture about the mysterious owner of the ghetto blaster, who we are referring to as ‘Timmy’ in the hope of blame being deflected elsewhere in Glasgow.

We have also demanded an explanation from these reckless commentators who claim to have witnessed a presumably tiny minority of our fans tapping a single toe to the ghetto-blasted music. We have pointed out to these spiteful individuals that it is a natural human instinct to tap your toe to music, and therefore any effort to criticise Rangers* fans for doing so is nothing less than a disgraceful attempt to dehumanise them.

It has also come to our attention that elected politicians may seek to re-examine the concept of sectarianism and make recommendations about how it should be redefined in Scots law.

Let us be absolutely clear about this. Until we are certain that ‘Scot’ is not the mysterious owner of the ghetto blaster that is generating unfair criticism of Rangers* supporters, he has no place in making laws to hold them to account.

As an interim measure, we have suggested to the footballing authorities that if anyone is upset by the ghetto blaster then they should wear earplugs to matches.

We await further developments with concern. Meanwhile, The Squirrel Party will continue to do what it can, with very limited resources (*cough* only joking Mr King…), to tackle any unfair or malicious comments about our Loyal support and its occasional isolated instances of toe tapping.

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Meanwhile, in other news…

Response To Public Comments Made About The Rangers* Support

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

A Phone Call To The SPFL

**Update 4pm, 11 April 2018: the fixtures have now been published!**

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[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*RING RING*]

[*CLICK*]

SPFL Official: “Hello. SPFL. How can I respond to your call. Please be aware that we do not actually ‘help’.”

The Clumpany: “Hi there. I was just calling to know when the post-split Premiership fixtures will be announced.”

SPFL Official: “The what?”

The Clumpany: “The post-split Premiership fixtures? There are still five rounds of matches to play.”

SPFL Official: “Matches? Can’t you use a lighter instead?”

The Clumpany: “FOOTBALL matches.”

SPFL Official: “Foot what?”

The Clumpany: “Do you know when the remaining fixtures of the Premiership season will be announced? Only there are a lot of folk wanting to buy tickets and make travel plans.”

SPFL Official: “Sorry this isn’t a ticket retailer or travel agent.”

The Clumpany: “I didn’t say it was. We just want to know when the remaining games will be played?”

SPFL Official: “Well I’m going to be playing Candy Crush saga tonight if that helps.”

The Clumpany: “It doesn’t. This is really simple. There are football matches to be played in a league that you organise. Professional football has been played for well over a century and the setting up of fixtures has long since proved not to be rocket science.”

SPFL Official: “Have you tried NASA? I hear the Chinese also have a flourishing space programme. There are no rockets here.”

The Clumpany: “You’ve clearly never met Neil Doncaster… Now, when will the ties be announced?”

SPFL Official: “I’m sorry but we are not a clothing retailer either. I don’t wish to be rude, but you really do seem to have misunderstood what we do here.”

The Clumpany: “Do you have any clue what you do?”

SPFL Official:“I respond to queries. The SPFL prides itself in being a responsive organisation.”

The Clumpany: “And what is your response to someone who just wants you to do your job and compile a list of football fixtures?”

SPFL Official: “I’m sorry. You’ve hit me with this ‘foot ball’ thing again. Is it some sort of fancy dress dancing occasion? A ball where everyone comes dressed as a foot?”

The Clumpany: “Oh dear… So you have no explanation for the delay?”

SPFL Official: “I do. Apparently the train had faulty doors. But they got it moving again and I was able to get to work to respond to you call!”

The Clumpany: “Can we hope for an announcement soon?”

SPFL Official: “Of what? Another Royal wedding?”

The Clumpany: “No, the football fixtures. Your member clubs are waiting to battle it out for European places.”

SPFL Official: “European places? I think you want to speak to easyJet or Ryanair. They go to lots of European places.”

The Clumpany: “FFS! How hard can it be?”

SPFL Official: “You have absolutely no idea. Which is a funny coincidence really, because neither do we!”

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Scottish Football

Scott Brown: Pretend Victim

Good Afternoon.

Not appearing in today’s papers:

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Scott Brown: Pretend Victim

The Celtic skipper dishes it out, and we are supposed to feel sorry for him when he pretends that he’s been wronged. He can GTF!

By ex-pro, A. Hammer-Thrower

There he goes again. Scott Brown making a meal of a supposedly ‘bad tackle’ and trying to get his fellow professionals sent off.

I should probably apologise to the massed ranks of my former footballing colleagues for that remark. To describe Brown as a fellow ‘professional’ is a massive insult to THEIR integrity and fair play.

F*ck him. The former Scotland captain has a notorious track record in the dark arts of sinister on-pitch brutality, and time and time again he gets away with it because referees are scared of him.

But what happens the first time a player makes even the slightest contact with him?

That’s right, he rolls around on the floor like a big baby. He’s an embarrassment.

And yet his army of swivel-eyed brainwashed supporters try to claim he has become a target for brutal assaults on the pitch. They even have the cheek to say that referees should take stronger action against those who ‘attack’ him.

Attack him? Don’t make me laugh.

Some folk are screaming green and white murder about a supposed foul against him yesterday, which saw the Ross County captain – an absolute paragon of virtue, and on-pitch gracefulness – sent off.

I’ve never seen the like. No way was that a sending off.

OK, there may have been a boot in Brown’s groin, the Ross County subs may have come at him with flame-throwers, the RAF may have dropped bombs on him, and County fans dressed as the Grim Reaper may have come on to the pitch and started digging a grave for him…

BUT COME ON… If anyone seriously thinks that any of those things pose a threat to Scott Brown and merit disciplinary action, they need to have a word with themselves.

And that word should be “dirty cheating Scott Brown should just get on with the game and stop pretending he’s been fouled.”

No doubt Scott Brown will complain that that’s more than one word.

He can piss off. He’s always wrong.

Special reader offer: Collect 5 tokens from this week’s paper and receive your FREE DVD entitled “Graeme Souness: 101 Misunderstood Tackles”.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun.

Scottish Football

Smash A Fenian Day?

On 1st May 2018 The Clumpany urges all Protestants, Catholics… in fact all sentient human beings to stand up and put small-minded intolerance in its place. It is time for our ability not to be absolute fuckwits to shine through and for us to to say “that’s a tragic effort lads”.

These swivel-eyed loons can’t see past the end of their noses without imagining and asserting a threat to their insular view of the world.

  • 100 pints should be drunk if you go to the pub quite often and pity these disgraces to society.
  • 200 pints should be drunk if you go to the pub a bit more frequently and spare a heartfelt thought for these losers.
  • 300 pints should be drunk if you spend several successive weekends in the pub and repeatedly comment to a friend “fuck me, this is better than inventing a grudge against Catholics and folk identifying with an Irish heritage.”
  • 1000 pints should be drunk if you invite the family out for a week-long session and put bunting up in the pub which says “Fuck you! We are quite comfortable in our identity and hope it makes you sick.”
  • 5000 pints should be drunk if you lay on a wee ‘Tolerance Beer Festival’ and only let folk in who are prepared to confirm that Catholics and Irish-identifying people are human beings just like everyone else, who make a welcome, equal contribution to society.
  • 50000 pints should be drunk at a massive party if you have spent any time in the company of anti-Irish, anti-Catholic knuckle-draggers. You’ve earned that beer!

We will get bastarding drunk.

Because it is fun to be alive and to enjoy the company of our fellow people.

Fuck intolerance.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, unlike satire, intolerance doesn’t make the world a better place.

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Money And Sporting Advantage

Good Evening.

The Clumpany’s ethereal eye was caught by this piece in the Daily Record (yes, it still exists…).

How I laughed at the idea that having more money available to spend on players might confer a sporting advantage!

What a ridiculous suggestion!

I assumed that the Record’s finest subsequently took Mr Windass outside and gave him a stern talking-to for making such an outrageous claim.

After all, we have been left in no doubt in recent years that having more money to spend on players does not result in greater success in Scottish football.

The very idea is clearly absurd.

However, as a humanitarian-minded ethereal entity I couldn’t help but be concerned for Windass after his unfortunate and humiliating mistake. After all, it can’t be nice to be in a position where your basic beliefs about how sport operates in Scotland are utterly toxic to those around you. Especially if the mass media is likely to be on your back.

So I gave Windass a call to see how he was.

To my astonishment he was absolutely fine!

He said that the Sevco PR operation had told him that the Record knew exactly where he was coming from, and that his comments had been great!

Confused, I asked Mr Windass what he meant by this.

He explained that the PR operation had instructed him that he had correctly referred to Celtic shamefully having more money to spend than the Ibrox outfit. As such, he had created an opportunity to put the ‘obsessed’ in their place and confirm the magnitude of Rangers’* historic achievements.

Windass told me that “the helpful PR person” had then reassured him that despite what almost everyone believed, and despite what the taxman may assert, the ‘same club’ ‘Rangers’ had actually always paid its players in chocolate coins. Chocolate coins which were also available to all other clubs in various pound shops across Scotland. Especially at Christmas, but also (preferably) in the New Year when they were often priced at two or three packs for a pound.

The truth of the matter, Windass was ‘told’, was that ‘Rangers’ NEVER had more actual money to spend than their rivals. Their alleged wealth back in the day was all based on chocolate coins.

As such, the Sevco PR operation was happy to endorse Windass’s views in the Record this week. Indeed, they felt that they were helpful in managing the expectations of fans who need to know that Celtic are brazenly spending their own money on players without so much as a by your leave.

So there you have it. Rangers gained no sporting advantage from having more money to spend on players than their competitors.

They only had chocolate.

And Celtic are ruining Scottish football by having their own hard-earned money to spend on better players as they see fit.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a big ‘WTF?’ at apparent inconsistencies in the ongoing Sevco reportage…