Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Handy Guide To The Latest Sevco Accounts

Good Evening.

Yes I know that the accounts published last week were those of RIFC, which is different to the engine room subsidiary once known as Sevco Scotland (or is it Sevco 5088?!).

I also know that RIFC is different to the ethereal ‘football club’ which UEFA will tell you is actually the legal entity once known as Sevco Scotland (or Sevco 5088?!), but NEVER to be mistaken for the club incorporated shortly before Queen Victoria passed away.

However, I wanted to refer to ‘Sevco’ in the title of this blog to cater for the possibility that Martin Williams might read this. And if he does, I would like him to note quite how much we are still laughing at his liquidation-denying Herald output.

Oh, and I also wanted to ask Martin if his fleet-footedness has yet secured him a gig with the Bolshoi Ballet. After all, if he can’t play a lead role in Swan Lake there must surely be an ironic bit-part for him as a dead-but-allegedly-still-living Norwegian Blue parrot.

Mustn’t there?

But I digress.

The main point of this attempted blog was simply to warn regular readers to continue to look out for a few potential pieces of misdirection which might cause them to think that all is well with the recent ‘Sevco’ accounts…

‘Turnover’ most certainly does not refer to what Sevco have done to Sports Direct in the courts.

‘Operating loss’ does not refer to a Glasgow surgeon who misplaced his Ibrox season book.

‘Going Concern warning’ is NOT an alert about an unreliable coach company.

‘Converting loans to equity’ does not imply a money-spinning convoluted player transfer to the actors’ trade union.

‘Concert party’ does not relate to a mistaken request from the Takeover Panel to borrow a box set of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum from Dave King.

‘Repaying the fans’ loyalty’ most certainly does not imply a refund.

I hope that clarifies matters.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Urgent Medical Problems

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the medical services of Scotland and all other places in which the SPFL is followed are standing by for an influx of people seeking urgent relief for a hitherto unexpected ailment.

This sudden and unprecedented demand looks set to to put the annual ‘winter flu crisis’ and indeed all past pandemics in the shade as folk swamp GP surgeries and A&E departments with their demands for medical attention. As such, The Clumpany is led to believe that domestic governmental agencies as well as the UN are making preparations to make emergency airdrops of supplies to a beleaguered population.

The Clumpany has also been informed that the heads of countless religions have informed local leaders to be on stand-by to assist those fans of Scottish football who may be seeking a miracle cure in the coming days.

The seriousness of this impending medical apocalypse cannot be underestimated. As such, The Clumpany implores to help anyone that you see in distress.

The signs will be easy to spot. Thousands and thousands of people will be grimacing and wailing following the sudden onset of terrible arthritis. Arthritis brought on by repeatedly shrugging their shoulders in complete indifference to the following news:

Stay strong everyone.

This important medical update has been brought to you in association with the Amalgamated Society of Split Sides Survivors and Refusers to Have Their Intelligence Insulted. 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football

Morons On An Equalities Awareness Course

Good Evening.

At a hypothetical equalities awareness course somewhere in Scotland. I’ll leave you to imagine who might have attended…


Course Facilitator: “And now we come to the module on anti-Irish racism.”

Attendees: [*Involuntary groan*]

Course Facilitator: “Sorry, is there a problem?”

Attendees: [*Stare at shoes*]

Course Facilitator: “We can’t proceed if you aren’t happy. What’s the matter?”

Attendee #1: “Surely you mean ‘sectarianism’?”

Course Facilitator: “No. I mean anti-Irish racism? Can you think of a better term for it?”

Attendee #2: “Yes I can. How about ‘intolerance’?”

Course Facilitator: “No. That doesn’t cover anti-Irish racism does it?”

Attendee #3: “Oh you mean ‘Ned behaviour’, don’t you?”

Course Facilitator: “No. This module specifically talks about anti-Irish racism. It’s actually quite a straightforward concept to understand.”

Attendee #4: “I’d call it ‘both sides being as bad as each other’.”

Course Facilitator: “What do you mean by ‘both sides as bad as each other’? If one of those sides is showing anti-Irish racism we can certainly discuss it. Just as we have already discussed other forms of racism. All racism is bad, horrendous for the victim, and corrosive to society.”

Attendee #4: “No, I just meant that one side being subjected to sectarianism may well be as bad as the other.”

Course Facilitator: “But we have already discussed sectarianism today. And now we are going to talk about anti-Irish racism which is entirely different.”

Attendee #5: “It’s all religious intolerance though isn’t it? You can’t be racist about the Irish and those who… err… pretend to be Irish can you?”

Course Facilitator: “I think you have just shown why this course is so important!”

Attendee #5: “Protestant versus Catholic. It’s been like this for centuries, and the bigotry needs to stop.”

Course Facilitator: “Well I cant argue with that as a general point of principle, but it is utterly irrelevant right now. We are here to talk about anti-Irish racism. Can anyone give me an example of anti-Irish racism to help us get into a proper discussion?”

Attendee #6: “How many examples do you want? There are hundreds of examples of sectarianism and bigotry that I could mention.”

Course Facilitator: “But we are not here to discuss sectarianism. Or bigotry. We are here to talk about anti-Irish racism.”

Attendee #7: “Does that even exist, or is it just an excuse for some people to play the victim?”

Attendee #8: “That’s a good point. We all know there’s still a problem with sectarianism and bigotry. And it needs to be stamped out.”

Course Facilitator: “So do I take it from this conversation that the group doesn’t think anti-Irish racism is an issue in Scotland?”

Attendee #9: “Is the Pope a Catholic?”

Attendees: [*Snigger*]

Attendee #10: “Look, I think this session is wasting our afternoon. I know you mean well, but isn’t it time for you to [*cough cough*] ‘go home’?”

Attendees: [*Laugh out loud*]



NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of exaggeration-based satire…

Neil Lennon, Scottish Football

Neil Lennon’s List Of Shame

Neil Lennon
Obligatory and entirely randomly-selected ‘angry Lennon’ picture…

Good Evening.

Here is a list of events, and an indication of the sorts of reactions they have variously produced over many years… [NB The quotes do not necessarily match the particular incident]

Northern Ireland captain Neil Lennon was forced to pull out of a match after receiving death threats.
“He brings it on himself”.

Two students were fined for an unprovoked attack on Celtic midfielder Neil Lennon.
“Lennon needs to take responsibility for his actions” .

Two men were jailed  for a “vicious, brutal and cowardly” attack on former Celtic captain Neil Lennon.
“Neil Lennon can’t seem to help himself”.

Neil Lennon – manager of Celtic – was sent bullets in the post.
“Lennon seems to go looking for trouble”.

Celtic manager Neil Lennon was physically attacked on the touchline at Tynecastle.
“The combative Irishman seems to revel in confrontation”.

Daily Record was forced to apologise after running the headline: “Who’s more hated at Ibrox – is it Lennon or the taxman?” before a Rangers vs Celtic game.
“Lennon seems to enjoy getting in people’s faces”.

A man who posted a picture of Neil Lennon covered in bullet wounds was sentenced to 14 months in prison.
“There is no need for the Irish Irishman to goad opposition fans. He is asking for trouble”.

Two men were found guilty of sending parcel bombs to Neil Lennon.
“He really does bring it on himself. He should try to be a role model”.

A man was found guilty of breach of the peace after posting online that Neil Lennon should be sent more bullets and bombs.
“Lennon needs to have a long hard think about why he keeps finding himself in this position.”

A man who tweeted that Neil Lennon should be killed was cleared of committing any offence.
“Lennon is incapable of restraining himself. He seems to enjoy being a hate figure”.

A Hearts fan hit the headlines after tweeting: “It’s definitely time for Neil Lennon to start receiving bullets and bombs in the post again”.
“The Irishy Irish Irishman Lennon makes himself a target with his attitude and conduct”.

Neil Lennon was hit by a coin during the Edinburgh derby and the following day ‘Hang Neil Lennon’ graffiti appeared on a wall near Tynecastle.
“Lennon had it coming and he loves playing the victim”.


Now, ask yourself this: is Neil Lennon the problem here?
Or is it twisted individuals, and a sport and society where intolerance of ‘Irish Catholics’ isn’t routinely seen as something shameful that needs to be tackled head on by the authorities, police, politicians, media commentators and every single person who claims to possess even a shred of humanity in their soul?
[NB Hat-tip to @Call_It_Out for posting the above list on Twitter]
Celtic, Hibernian, Neil Lennon, Scottish Football

In Defence Of Neil Lennon

Good Evening.

The title of this blog is a lie.
I have no defence of Neil Lennon to offer.
Do you know why?
Because no defence is required.
The familiar“he brings it on himself” argument is currently being deployed following a coin striking the Hibernian manager last night. This is – of course – a suggestion that has been repeatedly made following Neil Lennon receiving numerous threats through the post, and being abused and physically assaulted by the side of the pitch.
And it is utter bullsh*t of the highest order. No one deserves what Neil Lennon has had to endure over the years as a player or manager. Or indeed as a human being.
Let me just stop you there if you are about to claim that Neil Lennon celebrating or savouring a moment on a football pitch is somehow a justification for some or all of the abuse that he has been receiving for many years. Because there are no excuses for what Neil Lennon has had to put up with. His religion, nationality, footballing career and allegiances are utterly immaterial.
The facts are very simple. If you are abusing or threatening Neil Lennon as the coin-throwers, pitch-side assaulters, racism-shouters and device-senders have been doing for many years, then you are an absolute disgrace to the very concepts of humanity and morality. What’s more, you also embarrass whatever warped sense of superiority over Neil Lennon and his religion, ethnicity and footballing background that you somehow manage to cling to as you try to survive the modern world.
So let us be very clear. The ‘problem with Neil Lennon’ isn’t Neil Lennon’s problem at all.
It is the problem of the intolerant and the narrow minded.
Not that they have the intelligence or respect for their fellow man to realise this…
Scottish Football, SFA

Stop Complaining, The SFA Is Right

Good Evening.

The Clumpany noted with some mirth that the manager of Kilmarnock and the statement writer of Aberdeen FC have spoken out about horrendously inconsistent decision making by the SFA-overseen disciplinary process this season.

To be fair to them, they have a point.

The sort of point that is so correct that it could be used as the International Standard Measurement of Correctness for the rest of time.

To outside observers with the capacity to hold a rational thought, the SFA’s disciplinary processes are a complete and utter joke. Much like the governing body itself and and every last apparent arrogance-infused cell of its blazer-wearing time-servers and other seemingly untouchables. Indeed, some might say that they are an embarrassment to the very concept of sport, administration and sports administration.

But so what? Aberdeen, Kilmarnock and the massed ranks of the gullible folk who buy tickets for SFA-administered Cup and international fixtures can bleat, whine, stamp their feet, and throw as many toys out of the pram as they like. It will make no difference whatsoever, and they are embarrassing themselves if they pretend otherwise.

Because until the day dawns when fans stop giving money to the SFA and (more importantly) a sufficient number of clubs take an organised collective stand against the SFA (as well as the SPFL for a host of reasons), absolutely nothing will change. NOTHING.

Until that happens, the SFA is entirely justified in making the sort of statement it issued last night.

SFA release statement after spotlight aimed at judicial panel

The SFA is quite clearly implementing and administering processes that have been signed off by its members following their involvement in their design. Processes that give the SFA a large amount of latitude and don’t make it easy to review the consequences.

The SFA doesn’t even have the clubs over a barrel. They have their tacit consent for what they are doing! So why on Earth should the SFA ever change any aspect of what it does?

There is an argument which says that even if a good number of larger SPFL clubs took a stand against the SFA nothing would change because the majority of the SFA’s voting members aren’t (for example) even members of the SPFL.

This argument is more than reasonable!

When Celtic called for a review of the governance of Scottish football during the Rangers tax case sagas, Stewart Regan pointed out that he had 100+ members and only one of them had called for a review. This may have been true but it pointed to the scope for the SFA to hide behind (and for people seeking election to the top offices in Scottish football to rely upon the votes of) a large number of amateur outfits.

I personally would argue that it is a complete nonsense that a large number of SFA members outside the SPFL can wield such disproportionate influence in an era of high stakes TV negotiations and Scottish football seeking any ‘USP’ it can find to stand out from the ‘obscenely’ rich leagues around Europe.

I would like to see Scotland’s professional clubs (including the Ibrox outfit) doing whatever it takes – including threatening boycotts of the Scottish Cup and the withdrawing of players from the Scotland squad – to bring about the end of the 19th Century structures of the SFA. Because then we might stand a chance of getting a professional approach to the future development of the national sport as a whole.

However, pending that unlikely miracle occurring, I have no doubt that if a significant number of the bigger clubs in Scotland could present a united front to the SFA and say ‘enough is enough – stop making excuses and sort yourselves out’, and could press for specific steps to be taken, it would make the SFA squirm and make it more difficult for them to hide behind process and ‘their members’.

Sadly I fear that hell will freeze over before Celtic, Aberdeen, Hearts, Hibs, Kilmarnock (and even Sevco in some circumstances) can even begin to agree on a few points of common concern that can be put to the SFA as non-negotiable. Nor do I think that any of them have the guts to actually stand firm on any point of principle either individually or collectively.

Until that changes they have zero chance of effecting change. And – frankly – right now, they don’t deserve change.

As a result they should simply ‘suck it up’ and hope enough fans remain blindly loyal enough to go along with them for the money-spinning ride…


Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

His Big Mikeness Strikes Again

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has greatly enjoyed the MSM’s coverage of His Big Mikeness’s latest legal manoeuvrings, which threaten to hinder sales of Sevco merchandise. Merchandise which includes the pile of slightly adapted generic kits that Hummel possibly never expected to sell in the first place until Dave King chapped on their door.

My main source of amusement has been the way that the Scottish football MSM has maintained a po-faced demeanour suggesting that they were bringing a new story to the punters when the simple fact of the matter was that they were only telling us what we already knew.

This seems to happen quite often and makes you wonder whether the MSM is still locked into a mindset that only THEY break real news, and ‘folk on the Internet’ such as Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and the wider Bampot community don’t.

You get the impression that the social media brigades could have all the training, track records, sources and NUJ cards in the world and yet it still wouldn’t count in the eyes of those working for ‘Proper News Organisations’. Whatever they are.

I don’t suggest that these were the exact thoughts that ran through the minds of those in the outlets which reported on Ashley’s latest move many hours after Phil had put the story out there and the online community had looked at some points of detail. I am sure that these folk are doing their jobs in good faith.

However, the whole spectacle, and the mocking reaction of a lot of people on social media speaks volumes about the state of the ‘traditional’ coverage of the often-pantomime that is Scottish football.

There is a real thirst out there for timely information about significant developments, and for some decent, thought-provoking analysis. Phil delivered it yesterday, and so-called ‘Bampots’ quickly waded in. It was fascinating and engaging stuff.

Frankly, someone from a mainstream outlet popping up online the following day and saying that a story about it would follow soon doesn’t cut the mustard. Especially when that story turns out to be little more than the bare bones of what we already knew.

I don’t want to do a hatchet job on anyone over this, but I do want to point out that the exasperation and mockery that has been expressed over the mainstream coverage of the latest Ashley/Sevco litigation seems to be entirely appropriate. Not least because it so clearly illustrates the continuing and possibly ultimately fatal shortcomings of the ‘old ways’ of covering Scottish football.

We deserve better.