The Clumpany didn’t see the following on a Sevco fans’ forum….
Dear Dave King.
We deserve better.
We really do.
Rangers* fans have shown their commitment to this club* over many decades by eventually finding someone who can hold a pen and who is prepared to write a vaguely coherent message to you.
The least you can do in return is pander to us as if we are screaming toddlers who won’t tolerate not having our own way.
Our request of you is simple and surely easy to deliver.
1) An end to Catholicism in Scotland. We would be prepared to accept an interim step of separate schools closing immediately. However, we would still expect you to have deliverable plans to eradicate the Roman Church from the entire country faster than we can sing “f*ck the Pope”.
2) The expulsion of all Irishness from Scotland. Especially the really Fenian sort of Irishness. And if the Rangers* board could have a band playing ‘The Billy Boys’ and ‘The Famine Song’ as the expulsion happens that would be especially welcome.
3) The beheading of Peter Lawwell. Whilst we feel sure that Liewell’s hidden hand was responsible for Rangers’* demotion in 2012, we can’t tell our arses from our elbows so feel that the loss of a head would be a reasonable punishment.
4) The eradication of all free speech that suggests our historic, history-laden, ancient club was liquidated by liquidators in 2012. For far too long our club* has stood idly by while its enemies have claimed to speak “blindingly obvious truths about insolvency law that we all saw unfolding at the time”.
5) A team on the pitch that wins every game. We do not want to turn up to games with a Rangers* victory left to chance. It should be guaranteed! For that is the Rangers* way. Any board which cannot deliver perpetual success by facing down the hatred of people who say that creditors should be paid and the football rule book should be obeyed is clearly unworthy of the unbroken history of this club*.
Mr King, Her Majesty expects you to deliver victory against those who refuse to show due deference to the Crown and Rangers*.
We are tired of excuses, Mr King. An anti-Catholic, anti-Irish, anti-Lawwell, anti-free speech club with a team that never loses is surely not too much to ask.
Oh, and an orange away top would be great too.
Billy McStauch (Not surrendering, except to Rangers’* next bit of spin)
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun!