Scottish Football, SFA

Stop Complaining, The SFA Is Right

Good Evening.

The Clumpany noted with some mirth that the manager of Kilmarnock and the statement writer of Aberdeen FC have spoken out about horrendously inconsistent decision making by the SFA-overseen disciplinary process this season.

To be fair to them, they have a point.

The sort of point that is so correct that it could be used as the International Standard Measurement of Correctness for the rest of time.

To outside observers with the capacity to hold a rational thought, the SFA’s disciplinary processes are a complete and utter joke. Much like the governing body itself and and every last apparent arrogance-infused cell of its blazer-wearing time-servers and other seemingly untouchables. Indeed, some might say that they are an embarrassment to the very concept of sport, administration and sports administration.

But so what? Aberdeen, Kilmarnock and the massed ranks of the gullible folk who buy tickets for SFA-administered Cup and international fixtures can bleat, whine, stamp their feet, and throw as many toys out of the pram as they like. It will make no difference whatsoever, and they are embarrassing themselves if they pretend otherwise.

Because until the day dawns when fans stop giving money to the SFA and (more importantly) a sufficient number of clubs take an organised collective stand against the SFA (as well as the SPFL for a host of reasons), absolutely nothing will change. NOTHING.

Until that happens, the SFA is entirely justified in making the sort of statement it issued last night.

SFA release statement after spotlight aimed at judicial panel

The SFA is quite clearly implementing and administering processes that have been signed off by its members following their involvement in their design. Processes that give the SFA a large amount of latitude and don’t make it easy to review the consequences.

The SFA doesn’t even have the clubs over a barrel. They have their tacit consent for what they are doing! So why on Earth should the SFA ever change any aspect of what it does?

There is an argument which says that even if a good number of larger SPFL clubs took a stand against the SFA nothing would change because the majority of the SFA’s voting members aren’t (for example) even members of the SPFL.

This argument is more than reasonable!

When Celtic called for a review of the governance of Scottish football during the Rangers tax case sagas, Stewart Regan pointed out that he had 100+ members and only one of them had called for a review. This may have been true but it pointed to the scope for the SFA to hide behind (and for people seeking election to the top offices in Scottish football to rely upon the votes of) a large number of amateur outfits.

I personally would argue that it is a complete nonsense that a large number of SFA members outside the SPFL can wield such disproportionate influence in an era of high stakes TV negotiations and Scottish football seeking any ‘USP’ it can find to stand out from the ‘obscenely’ rich leagues around Europe.

I would like to see Scotland’s professional clubs (including the Ibrox outfit) doing whatever it takes – including threatening boycotts of the Scottish Cup and the withdrawing of players from the Scotland squad – to bring about the end of the 19th Century structures of the SFA. Because then we might stand a chance of getting a professional approach to the future development of the national sport as a whole.

However, pending that unlikely miracle occurring, I have no doubt that if a significant number of the bigger clubs in Scotland could present a united front to the SFA and say ‘enough is enough – stop making excuses and sort yourselves out’, and could press for specific steps to be taken, it would make the SFA squirm and make it more difficult for them to hide behind process and ‘their members’.

Sadly I fear that hell will freeze over before Celtic, Aberdeen, Hearts, Hibs, Kilmarnock (and even Sevco in some circumstances) can even begin to agree on a few points of common concern that can be put to the SFA as non-negotiable. Nor do I think that any of them have the guts to actually stand firm on any point of principle either individually or collectively.

Until that changes they have zero chance of effecting change. And – frankly – right now, they don’t deserve change.

As a result they should simply ‘suck it up’ and hope enough fans remain blindly loyal enough to go along with them for the money-spinning ride…

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

His Big Mikeness Strikes Again

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has greatly enjoyed the MSM’s coverage of His Big Mikeness’s latest legal manoeuvrings, which threaten to hinder sales of Sevco merchandise. Merchandise which includes the pile of slightly adapted generic kits that Hummel possibly never expected to sell in the first place until Dave King chapped on their door.

My main source of amusement has been the way that the Scottish football MSM has maintained a po-faced demeanour suggesting that they were bringing a new story to the punters when the simple fact of the matter was that they were only telling us what we already knew.

This seems to happen quite often and makes you wonder whether the MSM is still locked into a mindset that only THEY break real news, and ‘folk on the Internet’ such as Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and the wider Bampot community don’t.

You get the impression that the social media brigades could have all the training, track records, sources and NUJ cards in the world and yet it still wouldn’t count in the eyes of those working for ‘Proper News Organisations’. Whatever they are.

I don’t suggest that these were the exact thoughts that ran through the minds of those in the outlets which reported on Ashley’s latest move many hours after Phil had put the story out there and the online community had looked at some points of detail. I am sure that these folk are doing their jobs in good faith.

However, the whole spectacle, and the mocking reaction of a lot of people on social media speaks volumes about the state of the ‘traditional’ coverage of the often-pantomime that is Scottish football.

There is a real thirst out there for timely information about significant developments, and for some decent, thought-provoking analysis. Phil delivered it yesterday, and so-called ‘Bampots’ quickly waded in. It was fascinating and engaging stuff.

Frankly, someone from a mainstream outlet popping up online the following day and saying that a story about it would follow soon doesn’t cut the mustard. Especially when that story turns out to be little more than the bare bones of what we already knew.

I don’t want to do a hatchet job on anyone over this, but I do want to point out that the exasperation and mockery that has been expressed over the mainstream coverage of the latest Ashley/Sevco litigation seems to be entirely appropriate. Not least because it so clearly illustrates the continuing and possibly ultimately fatal shortcomings of the ‘old ways’ of covering Scottish football.

We deserve better.

#KeepOnClumping

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Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Sunday Newspapers Need To Move To A Different Day

Good Evening

Not appearing in a Sunday newspaper any time soon. 😉

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The Sunday Newspapers Love Being Published On A Sunday But Need To Move To Fulfil Their Potential

The Clumpany reckons that the Scottish Sunday papers would love to stick around in their ‘second half of the weekend’ slot, but deep down they know that they need to test themselves elsewhere.

By T. Clumpany

The Clumpany has long felt that while they might be well-established and comfortable in their traditional slot, the Sunday papers were always likely to have to contemplate a move that would take them out of their comfort zone.

I would like to make it clear that I do not subscribe to the view of my good pal Alan (who I still haven’t seen in ages) that the entire mainstream media should just “piss off into oblivion”. That seems an unnecessarily harsh perspective (and no, I don’t say that because I think they should f*ck off to oblivion instead. 😉).

No, I feel confident that Scotland’s Sunday papers still have a contribution to make towards our understanding of world events and the sport we love. However, I have no doubt that those responsible for them know deep down that they are ready for a fresh challenge.

It is perhaps unfortunate for them that the challenge may have come knocking on their door sooner than they expected. Or, to be more precise, knocking and then dragging them out of the house before bundling them into the back of a van. But there is no accounting for events overtaking you.

So the choice now facing the Scottish Sunday papers is whether to cling on to the same old routine and an all-too-familiar environment like a house guest who has so far outstayed their welcome that you don’t know whether to call them a taxi or a hearse. Or to instead make a bold move and seize an exciting new opportunity.

The Clumpany can now exclusively reveal that the Scottish Sunday papers are about to be offered a move to a different day, courtesy of the generosity of the Bampot Community. The fine details of the offer are yet to be hammered out but The Clumpany feels sure that these papers will end up much better appreciated if they take up the challenge.

The day on offer is the 29th February, and to sweeten the deal the Bampot Community accepts that the papers could still be published when it falls on a Sunday. With 100 years’ notice.

Oh yes, and that’s the 29th February on (or up?) Uranus.

What’s it to be lads? Wasting away where you are in Scottish Sundays, or going for something more challenging?

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Don’t Mention The Bus

Shhh. You haven’t seen this…

Don’t.

Just don’t, OK.

Do not mention any buses.

There is no need for a bus, but if there was, there would be a bus available. You can be absolutely certain about that.

People can get very upset about buses.

Fortunately, it is possible to do things in a bus-free way and avoid any unnecessary bus-related anxiety or public displays of irritation.

In such circumstances you can dispense with having a bus to do things that might ordinarily involve a bus.

You can be gloriously bus free, and enjoy a walk or a ride on a non-bus mode of transport.

Like a buggie, a pogo stick, or a scooter. Those things are definitely not buses.

Other non-bus options might include a rocket. Perhaps a complete and utter rocket. Who knows?

If you felt like relying on nature you would not use a bus, and might instead await a particularly strong gust of wind to get you from A to B.

Or you could hope to be propelled by a sudden earthquake. Now that really would be a lively means of non-bus transportation!

Failing that, you could perhaps hope to be propelled along by the force of a person’s sharp wit and insightful commentary. OK in the case of some people you might then end up waiting a bloody long time to be moved, but at least there would be no bus involved and no need for one.

Whatever your choice, it is important not to mention buses.

Do not discuss buses in any way shape or form. All is well with the world when it comes to buses, and no good can come of talking about them.

So please do not mention buses.

I for one would certainly never dream of doing so.

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of bus…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Only ‘Shaking’ Titles Count

Good Evening .

The Clumpany has been deep in emergency conversion with a group of Sevco fans and feels compelled to update you on the outcome

The conclave was hastily-convened to consider the merits of Celtic winning an unprecedented Scottish double-Treble.

It had come to my attention that both residual Rangers fans AND follow-Followers of Sevco had been suggesting that Celtic had achieved nothing of note.

Somewhat surprised by this greater-than-usual display of f*ckwittery, I asked the assembled company to explain what it would actually take for Celtic to deliver a valid footballing achievement given that titles won without an Ibrox club in the top flight are seemingly worthless, and two Trebles won while the latest version of Rangers is competing for Premiership honours are apparently tainted.

The answer I received was – to be fair – unambiguous. Apparently titles won by Celtic are not valid if Rangers* are in the top flight, or if they are out of the top flight.

Apparently titles only count if Celtic are shaking it all about in a manner of Sevco fans’ whim-based choosing.

I asked for clarification of what proof of the above-mentioned ‘shaking’ would actually look like, but was told that I am ‘obsessed’.

There is no arguing with that sort of ‘logic’, is there?!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

When Sevco REALLY Disappoints…

Good Evening. [It’s been a while…]

Here is some ‘news’ that you won’t read in tomorrow’s papers…

>>>

The Rangers* Bus Falls Short

The four-wheeled wonder somehow fell short of our shamelessly-exaggerated ‘expectations’.

By A. Hype-Fest

Rangers* fans were today left reeling by the news (which they somehow never saw coming) that the team’s new bus isn’t actually going to be a perpetual motion machine which will solve the world’s energy crisis and save the environment while also delivering a reliable run to an away fixture in Dundee.

Rumours had abounded that Rangers* were about to acquire a bus that would change the world by proving that cheap, inexhaustible energy was available to everyone, whilst also generating the funds to deliver multiple Champions League titles to Ibrox.

Sadly however, these rumours proved to be unfounded, with the Rangers* team actually being set to hitchhike to games next season, and the world as a whole being left with no choice but to burn itself to a fossil fuel-based cinder.

Rangers* fan Billy McGuillibly expressed the disappointment of many fans at the news.

“Fuck the environment. Stevie G is here for 55 and he needs the money generated by the bus-based creation of an unlimited source of energy.

“How can the papers treat me like this with their bullshit stories of perpetual motion machines and untold riches?

“I’m going to write a complaint on the back of this season ticket that I just bought.”

“What sort of idiot do they take me for?”

>>>>>>

Meanwhile…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Desperate Plea To Dave King

Good Evening.

The Clumpany didn’t see the following on a Sevco fans’ forum….

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Dear Dave King.

We deserve better.

We really do.

Rangers* fans have shown their commitment to this club* over many decades by eventually finding someone who can hold a pen and who is prepared to write a vaguely coherent message to you.

The least you can do in return is pander to us as if we are screaming toddlers who won’t tolerate not having our own way.

Our request of you is simple and surely easy to deliver.

1) An end to Catholicism in Scotland. We would be prepared to accept an interim step of separate schools closing immediately. However, we would still expect you to have deliverable plans to eradicate the Roman Church from the entire country faster than we can sing “f*ck the Pope”.

2) The expulsion of all Irishness from Scotland. Especially the really Fenian sort of Irishness. And if the Rangers* board could have a band playing ‘The Billy Boys’ and ‘The Famine Song’ as the expulsion happens that would be especially welcome.

3) The beheading of Peter Lawwell. Whilst we feel sure that Liewell’s hidden hand was responsible for Rangers’* demotion in 2012, we can’t tell our arses from our elbows so feel that the loss of a head would be a reasonable punishment.

4) The eradication of all free speech that suggests our historic, history-laden, ancient club was liquidated by liquidators in 2012. For far too long our club* has stood idly by while its enemies have claimed to speak “blindingly obvious truths about insolvency law that we all saw unfolding at the time”.

5) A team on the pitch that wins every game. We do not want to turn up to games with a Rangers* victory left to chance. It should be guaranteed! For that is the Rangers* way. Any board which cannot deliver perpetual success by facing down the hatred of people who say that creditors should be paid and the football rule book should be obeyed is clearly unworthy of the unbroken history of this club*.

Mr King, Her Majesty expects you to deliver victory against those who refuse to show due deference to the Crown and Rangers*.

We are tired of excuses, Mr King. An anti-Catholic, anti-Irish, anti-Lawwell, anti-free speech club with a team that never loses is surely not too much to ask.

Is it?

Oh, and an orange away top would be great too.

Yours Loyally.

Billy McStauch (Not surrendering, except to Rangers’* next bit of spin)

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun!