Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

Good Evening.

Here are today’s Sevco press conference highlights in full… 😉


Press: “So Pedro, are you feeling any pressure ahead of the this weekend’s game?”

Pedro: “I always felt the support of the fans in the stadium. What I need to tell you, and it’s a Portuguese saying, ‘the dogs bark and the caravan keeps going’. It goes past the dog. The dog barks again. It wants to get into the caravan. It knows the caravan is going to the seaside where it might see a trawler and seagulls and collide with Eric Cantona’s higher-quality press conference surrealism.

But the caravan presses on. It goes on to the dual carriageway and heads for the motorway. It has no time for dogs. It has no time for cats either. But there are no cats barking at the caravan. Because there are no cats. I do not mean ‘there are no cats in the world’. That would be a nonsense. There are many cats in the world. ‘Catwoman’ for example. That is a terrible movie. It would not be shown on the TV in the caravan, for it is a caravan of culture. It is not the ‘Caravan of Love’ however. I did not buy the caravan from the Isley Brothers. Or from The Housemartins. Although we all enjoy a ‘Happy Hour’ in the caravan.

However, to go back to my point, I mean there are no cats by the side of the road barking at the caravan. Nor are there giraffes. There may be brass in my own neck as a football manager, but there is no long neck.

And so the caravan continues. It is a respected caravan. The policeman – as he pulls the caravan over for having pieces falling off it and seeming directionless – he really respects this caravan. That is because of the work we have put into improving the caravan. When I took over the caravan, it was a gazebo for holding meetings inside. People laughed at it. Now we have a strong ‘together’ caravan – apart from the parts that drop off. It is a caravan that is going places.

The policeman says it is important to continue our journey in a straight line. And to put sellotape on the caravan. He also says the dog has reported that it has been left behind by the caravan. I tell the policeman that this caravan always keeps going. There is no place for the dog. The dog has goalscoring potential and is not suitable for my caravan. I ask the policeman if he would like to buy the dog at a very cheap price, or at least take it on loan. The policeman tells me to be on my way.

My caravan continues on to the motorway. We begin to accelerate and challenge the performance of the other vehicles. We do this from the hard shoulder and they salute us as they pass in the outside lane. That respectful two-fingered salute that always gives me confidence in my caravan. My passengers – who are weighing down the caravan despite a long pre-season and being professional athletes – they say that they need the toilet. They bond as a team in shouting that the caravan will not make it to the services for hours if moving at 5mph.

I channel my inner dog – not the same dog that wanted to travel in my caravan, but my inner ‘Pedro dog’ – and I bark at them. I bark that I do not recognise statistics that I do not like. I tell them that I recognise 100mph only, and they should enjoy the speed of the caravan.

The team accepts my word and I am pleased to see them bond once more by giving me a respectful two-fingered salute. All is now well with our caravan as we drive to glory.”

Press: “What does that mean for your chances at Ross County on Sunday, Pedro?”

Pedro: “Who is this ‘Ross’ person? And what is he counting? Is it caravans? If so, there is no chance of him getting his counting wrong. I have only one caravan. And it is a magnificent, widely-respected caravan. If Ross is counting dogs, then I have to disappoint him. For I have no dog. I may be barking, but there are no dogs here.”



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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