The warmer weather is often a sign that the wedding season is upon us. And it certainly is at Sevco! Following the union of Steven Gerrard and the Fantasy Known As Rangers Football Club on Friday, today saw another emotion-packed wedding due to take place.
Here is a report supplied by my pal Alan who was lurking at the back. Fortunately, no one saw him…
Jilted At The Altar
Today, Sevconia’s favourite sprite Miss Imp Pecunious was due to be bound in financial matrimony to legendary military hero Major Investment, with the ceremony once more presided over by the Reverend Dave King.
A small but select gathering of Scotland’s finest journalists gathered for the service to wish the Bride and Groom well, weep sweet tears of joy, and to prepare themselves to spread the wonderful tidings to the rest of humanity for the next few thousand years.
The honoured guests arrived in good time, murmuring with excitement and wondering quite how impressive Major Investment would be when he arrived. There was also considerable concern about Imp Pecunious who had been waiting to be swept off her feet since at least March 2015.
The Reverend Dave King also took his place well before the start of the ceremony and exchanged a word or two with the guests. Well, actually it was five words: “remember what Jim tells you”.
So the scene was set. All it needed was for the Groom and his traditionally-late Bride to arrive.
And then waited a little bit more.
Watches were looked at, and shoes were stared at by an increasingly-uncomfortable congregation.
Eventually the door opened.
But it was not Major Investment.
No, it was Miss Imp Pecunious, wearing a simple and very inexpensive gown that some claim was previously the subject of a rejected £11m bid from China on eBay.
The guests gasped.
Imp Pecunious walked to the front and asked the Reverend Dave King where her one true love Major Investment was.
The Reverend Dave King remarked that no one had told him that this was a wedding, and that he had no expectation of seeing Major Investment today. Or indeed for the foreseeable future.
Imp Pecunious broke down in tears and the guests shuffled uncomfortably in their seats, until suddenly the Reverend Dave King spoke:
“Good morning. Just to let you know that there will be a cake sale in a few weeks’ time. We expect to raise £6m.
“We haven’t got the ingredients, the oven is on the blink, and we have no idea whether anyone will actually want to buy cake, but a bright future for the club lies ahead.
“I’m also hoping that some debt could be converted to cake. A hypothetical Victoria sponge has got to be worth at least £2m a slice, hasn’t it?”
Before departing to give their readers unexpected and disappointing news, the guests were treated to light refreshments of stale fudge.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…