Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Freezing Out Pedro Caixinha

Good Evening.

Not appearing in a newspaper near you anytime soon…

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“F*ck, it’s going to be cold!”, says Pedro

The Gers* boss admits he is wary of the unanticipated change in climate which will hit Scottish football in the coming months.

By B.R.R.R.R.R. Freezing

Ibrox laugh-generator Pedro Caixinha has advised his players to take precautions against polar bears and marauding penguins to ensure they don’t suffer a winter of animal-based embarrassment.

The Portuguese boss admits he has been alarmed about the climate change that will uniquely strike Scottish football in the coming months, and believes that hardy creatures from the Arctic and Antarctic could disrupt his plans.

Temperatures have already started to drop and the gaffer has ordered Foxes Glacier Mints and Penguin chocolate biscuits to help his men fend off winter calamity.

To Caixinha’s astonishment, it turns out that winter can be cold in Scotland and he fears that large white ursine perils could beat his stars to the World Class breakfast at No-Longer Murray Park, while stray Antarctic birds could make them trip in the penalty box BEFORE they have got close enough to an opposition player to fool the referee into giving them a penalty.

Caixinha said: “I like wildlife documentaries, and I have heard that it can be cold in Scotland during the winter months. I naturally fear what damage polar bears and penguins might do to my plans, particularly if my dogs happen to be too cold to bark at my ice-covered caravan.

“The players can take precautions, and I encourage them to do that by having Foxes Glacier Mints with them at all times.

“The wrapper will remind them what a polar bear looks like. They can look at it and check if the large white bear in the canteen is indeed a polar bear. If it is, they will hopefully be fit enough to run away and eat the mints for breakfast instead.”

Pedro continued, “As for the Penguin biscuits they now carry… If they think they may be prevented from diving for a penalty by a flightless bird, they can look at the wrapper and check whether it is a penguin. If it is a penguin they must avoid it and then dive. They must not trip.

“However, if it is not a penguin and is – for example – an emu, they must dive immediately and our legal team will ensure we win the match on the basis of the opposition fielding an unseasonal flightless bird.

“It is part of the players’ lives to accept that there is winter and there is football. I do not underestimate the challenge to my players in embracing this difficult truth.

“I need to incentivise them to deal with the polar bears and the penguins. If we have the need to help some guys we might invite these cold-weather creatures on the team bus to help improve familiarity. If nothing else, they will certainly get a seat before Kenny Miller.

“But if we have data that tells us it would be better for the boys to have a break from looking out for polar bears and penguins, we will give them that break.

“I have spoken to the club doctor about the need for iceberg supplements and I think it could be made part of what they require to prepare.

“Because when all else fails, we can fall back on an iceberg/ ‘Titanic’ analogy. It is important to have it prepared. Because although we know that we will be cold, we also know that we are likely to sink.”

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And if you think the above is silly, take a look at this…

Rangers* boss Pedro Caixinha guarding against Ibrox winter of discontent as he dishes out vitamin D supplements to stars

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Money(?)

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Good Morning.

The Clumpany was thinking about Dave King, the Takeover Panel and Pink Floyd today (as you do…).😉

So here is a wee song for fun, Clumpany style…

🎼🎵🎤🎤🎵🎼

Money(?)

Dave King? Nae dough paid?
Get a press-boost with lame praise and your okay.
Dave King? It’s all flash.
Grab those shares with both hands for not-much cash.

Lame fawn, NOMAD gone, dreams torn, totally.
Think I’ll get my concert party.

Dave King? Shares down.
Get it right round, keep your hands right off his pounds.
Dave King? Cash-boasts shit?
Don’t give him those queries that ask “legit?”

He’s in the shite-financially, pish, crap-pedalling set?
And I think he wants no debt.

[*Extended instrumental appreciation of Dave King*]

Dave King? One thin dime?
Shares bought fairly? No? Enforcement action time.
Dave King? “Spend!” he says.
He’s the root of all PR today.
But if you ask Jim “it’s all lies?” it’s no surprise.
That he just spins away.

Dave eh? Cash hey? Cash hey!
Dave eh? Dave eh? Dave eh?!

🎼🎵🎤🎤🎵🎼

With apologies to Pink Floyd, here is the magnificent original…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Dave King’s Devastating Millions

Good Evening.

Disturbing rumours reach Clumpany Towers that Dave King might not have ready access to a whopping great pile of cash. The sort of whopping great pile of cash that could easily be mistaken for a “children’s inheritance” or a bright new future for the samest ‘same club’ in all of Scottish ‘Sameclubdom’.

If confirmed, the absence of such a whopping great pile of cash would be a huge shock, not only for The Clumpany and Sevco fans, but also for any consequently-feeling-light-blue legions in the Scottish sports media who trumpeted Dave King’s Takeover of ‘Rangers’ (in entirely coincidental association with a triumvirate of passing ursine folk) in 2015.

The Clumpany is sure that Dave King definitely has a whopping great pile of cash to spend on Ibrox-based football. Indeed it is a whopping great pile of cash underpinned by staunch Rangers Manliness:

Dear SFA: Please ‘Release the (Dave King) Pounds’…

Lifestyles of the Glib and Shameless

The Clumpany simply cannot come to terms with any scenario in which Dave King might not have readily-available cash to take ‘Rangers’ to glory.

The Clumpany therefore stands with the Scottish sports media in having complete confidence in the ready-to-deploy-in-over-investment nature of Dave King’s whopping great pile of cash. What’s more, The Clumpany is prepared to bow before the ‘coming’ nature of ‘Rangers’ and its triumph-certain follow-followers.

The Clumpany’s only regret at this exciting time is that it cannot see its ethereal self in a mirror to administer the stern-talking to it clearly needs about quite how badly Dave King’s millions are about to grind the rest of Scottish football into dust.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Carlos Peña: Total Genius

Good Evening.

Long-suffering readers will be aware that The Clumpany is always delighted to encounter earnest upwardly-mobile Scottish football pundits.

No pearl of wisdom which they impart is EVER less than metaphor-mixing music to my ears. And so it was today that they managed to put me straight on a number of highly important matters when I least expected it…

There I was savouring a particularly enjoyable cup of early-morning coffee when one of them popped up to tell me that Carlos Peña had played an important – if imperceptible – role in its preparation.

Refreshed, I then took a stroll around the extensive parklands surrounding Clumpany Towers. Whereupon a pundit popped up to tell me that their beauty was down to Carlos Peña’s ability with a hedge trimmer, a lawnmower and a well-deployed pile of manure.

After my morning constitutional, I read the Sunday Mail and unsurprisingly got a bit of a headache. So I took some paracetamol. And just as I swallowed them, another of the wannabe pundits popped up and said “you see that medical science? That’s Carlos Peña, that is. An unsung pharmaceutical genius!”.

Later, I popped out for a pint. There was a new guest beer on at my local so I gave it a try. I must admit that it was quite nice. And just as I was about to order another pint, one of those pundits popped up again and informed me that Carlos Peña was behind the micro-brewery that produced it! Who knew?!

After visiting the pub toilets – where a pundit informed me that Carlos Peña had performed miracles with the plumbing following the shower of shite left by the Scottish sports desks on a previous visit – I went back to Clumpany Towers and enjoyed a bacon sandwich.

To my astonishment it turned out that the tasty snack was completely made from ingredients sourced from Carlos Peña’s hitherto-unknown farm. Those pundits really are a fountain of knowledge!

I then watched some sport in The Clumpany Towers multimedia complex. Flicking through the channels, I was astonished to be informed by pundits (who somehow arrived in contravention of Clumpany security protocols) that Carlos Peña was having a great game in the netball, football, golf, tennis and NFL all at the same time!

What a guy!

Carlos Peña really does have hidden talents. Let us all take a moment – and possibly a subscription – to salute his multiple skills!

Now, if only Carlos Peña could mix a decent Buckie and Bleach cocktail…

What’s that you say, pundits? Carlos Peña has a well-equipped alcohol-production facility at a monastery? AND a chemical plant?

Wow!

What a time to be alive!

Cheers Carlos! And thank you to all the pundits who keep the Peña flame burning. Without you, we really would think that he is utterly shite.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun.

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Viva Ped Vegas!

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Good Evening.

So the beleaguered Pedro, facing unrest in his squad, says that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Is that right Pedro…?

🎵🎤🎵🎤🎵🎤🎵🎤

Viva Ped Vegas!

Shite! Fight! Pishy! Gonna find that mole
Gonna call that mole a liar
Had almost no money, it’s totally burned,
To get those Gers* up higher
There’s a thousand petty squabbles flamin’ out there
And for all Kenny Miller may care
Ped’s still the gaffer, he’s no love to spare
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!

How they wish that they had more
Than a measly few wins in the League
‘Cause unless Sevco learn how to score
It can only mean big Bampot glee
Oh, there’s Pena and Alves and the caravan
A barking dog, points lost at ev’ry turn
All it needs is team-peace,  Kenny not to squeal
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!

Viva Ped Vegas with your PR flashin’
And ex-Qatari man bashing’
All those boasts down the drain
Viva Ped Vegas turnin’ games into shite-time
Training light, Pena waistline
If Ped stays employed
Kenny’s gone and played his last game!

Ped’s gonna keep up his run
We’re gonna have so much of fun
If it costs the last Ibrox thin dime
If they wind up broke-up well
We’ll aways remember Ped had an “imposter’s” time
Ped’s gonna give it ev’rything he’s got
Fitba Gods give him another shot
Let him shout at Kenny. Give him the chop!
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!
Viva viva Ped Vegas!

🎵🎤🎵🎤🎵🎤🎵🎤

With apologies to Doc Pomus, Mort Schuman and Elvis Presley…

#KeepOnClumping

NB All we are saying is Give Ped A Chance…

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Scott Brown Does Nothing Wrong

Good Evening.

You may have missed this article in an imaginary newspaper yesterday…

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Scott Brown Never Touched That Caravan

Alfredo Morelos went down after no Scott Brown-related incident, and the Hoops skipper will quite reasonably face no disciplinary action.

By A. Realist

Celtic skipper Scott Brown will face no action because nothing happened at Ibrox.

Ibrox boss Pedro Caixinha was left seething for no apparent reason, however he accused Brown of aiming an elbow at his player. Or was it an arse? Pedro doesn’t know one from the other.

The pair even ended up nose-to-nose as the teams made their way down the tunnel at half-time and Brown was heard to say, “if you don’t have a team talk to give, do you mind fetching me another pair of slippers for the second half? And maybe the paper to read? And say hi to Kenny Miller for me if you are still speaking”.

Nothing untoward happened seconds before the interval as Brown played football in the general vicinity of Morelos.

In a shock development, referee Craig Thomson did not blow for a foul because there was clearly no foul to penalise. And as a direct consequence of nothing happening, Scottish Football Association compliance officer Tony McGlennan has decided that nothing happened and he has gone for an early lunch to watch Bargain Hunt on the canteen TV.

Celtic striker Leigh Griffiths is also in the clear after doing nothing that could possibly leave him in any state other than in the clear. Gers* fans had wanted him taken to task for some random thing they thought they could pretend to take offence at.

The decision not to sanction Brown for doing nothing will inexplicably anger Caixinha, who warned the Celtic captain he would have sorted him out like an untidy caravan had he been on the pitch.

“I was angry at half-time, did you see it?” asked Pedro after the defeat which has seen his team slip further into the mire of failure.

“It’s the second time it happened. It was the same in April. I saw Brown’s elbows. This is not good for my players, but more importantly imaginary swinging elbows make a mess inside an imaginary caravan. I told the fourth official as well as the Caravan and Camping Club – but they let it go.

“Scott Brown was coming off and I told him, ‘You mess up that caravan, but if I was on the pitch you wouldn’t. The cushions would be straight, the washing up would have been done, a small lamp would have been switched on and some soothing music would have been playing’.

“I wouldn’t have allowed him to put his recyclable bottle of water in the wrong bin. If someone does something which may cause dogs to bark at the caravan I have to defend my caravan, my bins and the pleasant ambience of surprisingly-inexpensive mobile accommodation.

“If they don’t think it’s an outrage worthy of punishment it’s their decision. I need to respect while making plans to tidy the caravan.

“If I was in the caravan and I had to see Brown or other people like him causing untidiness with their elbows it would be a different thing. It was a shame that I couldn’t be in the caravan because I know the desire for order and caravan cleanliness I have.”

However, former English top-flight referee and suspected caravan enthusiast Dermot Gallagher played down the non-incident on the basis that absolutely nothing happened. Caravan-based or otherwise.

He told Sky Sports News: “I don’t know what’s upsetting Pedro, but there’s definitely nothing occurring in the film of the non-incident. Zero, zilch, nothing.

“I’ve seen caravans. Big things they are. They could do some real damage on a football pitch. There was no caravan there. Or camper van. Or tent. Not even an AGM gazebo. And you can’t miss a gazebo. Lovely animals. They are not keen on lions though. OOFT! I’ve seen them on wildlife documentaries. You get a lioness and a gazebo and there’s only one winner. And it’s not Dave King’s annual effort to secure the disapplication of preemption rights.”

And former Rangers* striker Steven Thompson claims Caixinha should be more concerned with the things that aren’t happening with his own side.

“I was bit embarrassed for Pedro Caixinha if I’m being honest,” the pundit told BBC Scotland’s ‘BarelyAnyFootballScenes’ programme. “He was trying to create a caravan kerfuffle, but he should be concentrating on nothing happening in defence, midfield, attack or in terms of credible tifos

“There was nothing in it. Scott Brown certainly didn’t ransack an imaginary caravan.”

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And if you think the above is ridiculous… 😉

Celtic skipper Scott Brown won’t face SFA action over alleged elbow on Alfredo Morelos

#KeepOnClumping

Further caravan shenanigans can be found here:

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

The True Story Of Pedro’s Caravan

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Please Swallow The Lie!

Good Evening.

One of the less-celebrated facets of Scottish football is its rare capacity to allow us to savour a cliche transformed into reality.

We all laugh at BBC Scotland for being the sort of organisation that might have EBT recipients offering supposedly-worthwhile punditry. And we guffaw at them for doing so without a word of context about how their insights were obtained via a tax-avoiding scheme. A scheme that was trashed by the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom which ruled that the public purse had been left bereft of a lot of due funds.

What’s more, we piss ourselves at Clyde for being the sort of station that might possibly employ a relentless cheerleader of all things Ibrox such as Derek Johnstone. And for possibly doing so without worrying that the entire population of the Universe blessed with the ability to hear might one day accuse them of being a joke outfit.

And we also guffaw at the Scottish printed press for collectively being the sort of outlets that could conceivably regurgitate any old Ibrox-sympathetic crap in the name of selling papers

However we know that those things are ultimately untrue and that we have no reasonable choice other than to reflect that we are being paranoid.

We naturally assume that our suspicion of a Scottish sports media willing to allow a grievous assault on both facts and our intelligence is nothing more than a ridiculous fantasy.

This is – no doubt – a view that is shared by the sports desks of Scotland.

Nevertheless, once in a while we see something like the Sevco PR operation shouting down a journalist in a press conference and insisting that the ‘club’ Rangers wasn’t liquidated in 2012.

Jim Traynor stretches our credulity [Link via @gibbygibbo1]

And at that point you really can’t help but wonder whether you and and the entire national sport of Scotland are having the piss taken out of you on a grand scale.

I am sure the Scottish mainstream media will be along shortly to challenge Jim Traynor’s assertions rather than risk sentient humanity wondering whether our cliched expectations of spinelessness were actually correct.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…