Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro Factors Poor Management Into Training

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has been given a copy of a fictitious article about the latest profound insights from Paperwork Pedro. It will not be appearing in a mainstream publication any time soon, and so is reproduced for your information below…

>>>>>> 

Pedro Caixinha is now factoring poor management into Rangers’ * training sessions in the wake of last Saturday’s defeat by the Highly Provocative Neil Lennon and His Lucky Hibernian Side.

The Ibrox manager [no, we still can’t believe it either…] was unhappy with the performance of the referee and his assistants as his side lost to the ex-Celtic manager’s side. That’s THE EX-CELTIC MANAGER’S SIDE.

Ryan Jack was sent off in the first half, and his dismissal has since been overturned, with the SFA having concluded that he administered the acceptable sort of head butt rather than one of those naughty ones.

However, having reflected on the result, the manner of Rangers’ latest defeat, and having seeing the words “Pedro, you are shite” everywhere he looks on social media, Caixinha has reluctantly decided to look closer to home for answers.

“I will take a bad management decision in training to make the players understand that things are going in that direction and might happen at any moment”, said Caixinha.

“If they say ‘FFS what is this clown doing now?’ enough times in training, then they are less likely to say it during a match in front of the TV cameras. It is bad for morale to see such things. Especially my morale.”

The Rangers* manager continued, “If the players know I am likely to do something completely bat-shit crazy, or to ignore a gaping hole in the defence, then they have the opportunity to implement a solution. Hopefully before the opposition score a goal. But if not, while they carry the ball back to the centre circle for the restart.”

Caixinha wants his players to control their temper even when they feel aggrieved at a decision made by him. And he thinks that introducing some even more bonkers initiatives into practice matches at their No-Longer-Murray Park training centre will help to achieve that.

“For my players, I can try to get them to control their inner rage at me” explained the man sometimes known as the ‘Poundshop Mourinho’, but for whom Rangers’* actually received change from a quid when they acquired his services.

“But I cannot always control what manner of craziness might come out of my mouth. In fact sometimes I just wibble and hope for the best

“I hope that my players still have the focus to keep playing football with a formation and tactics because one of the points we have definitely is to finish matches playing something that cannot be mistaken for a convention of headless chickens.

“I just need players to understand that there is no plan. And if my behaviour demands they play ‘Cluedo’ or ‘Connect Four’ in training, and perhaps juggle hedgehogs, they need to accept that.

“It’s something we analyse and speak to our players about. We play board games and juggle Mrs Tiggy-Winkle and her friends at training, but they have to be ready to repair my car during a game if that is what I demand. Or perhaps establish a small pop-up shop selling a range of cute ceramic dogs.”

Caixinha said his players had shown “so much anger, so much incredulity” in training this week, that until kick-off against Hearts they would simply be sedated.

The Portuguese added: “We have already forgotten what happened on Saturday. You have seen the film ‘Men In Black’? It is like that. My players now know nothing of the mistakes that cost them against Hibernian. It’s definitely not going to affect our next game so we are looking forward to Saturday. Or at least we will once the drugs have worn off.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s what the song says and that’s what I really believe. Unless of course you are Samson. He had his hair cut off and it made him weaker without killing him.

“This gives me an idea for my next tactical innovation. The players will be trained in hairdressing and will cut the hair of the Hearts players during the game. It will be a thing of beauty for the fans to see and will require no skill with a football. We cannot fail.”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

img_8008

 

 

Hibernian, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Neil Lennon Commemorative ‘Ear Cup’

 

Good Evening.

Clumpany Enterprises is delighted to announce the launch of an exciting new product.

In association with Neil Lennon, and in order to commemorate his side’s win against Sevco at the weekend, we will shortly release some limited edition ‘Ibrox Victory’ ear cups.

These will be hand-thrown* from the finest china clay, and glazed with the tears of almost 50,000 Sevco fans. [NB not “thrown” in the sense that you are thinking, Sevco fans. Put the phone down. The police don’t want to hear from you again].

The cups will retail at £32.32 per pair in acknowledgement of Hibs’ recent results against the latest Ibrox club.

Now, before you start grumbling that £32.32 is expensive, please bear in mind these very special features:

  • The cups will have handles in the shape of Neil Lennon’s left and right hands.
  • They will be emblazoned with a picture of Neil Lennon’s left and right ears.
  • Each cup will be 40 feet in diameter and will contain a space in which you can write a complete fantasy of your own choosing.

These unique elements reflect the scale of faux offence which some Sevco fans have taken to Neil Lennon celebrating a goal, and the cups are sure to become a collector’s item. At least until the next time that a Neil Lennon team pumps Sevco, when we can expect to have to commemorate an entirely new round of deluded anguish.

Each pair of cups is capable of holding a reservoir-sized quantity of anti-Lennon bile and comes complete with a ‘Sevco lifetime guarantee’, so please do not plan on still using them at Christmas.

Buy now to ensure disappointment. And look out for our forthcoming range of Neil Lennon plates, on which Sevco’s dinner is expected to be served sooner rather than later.

#KeepOnClumping

 

Hibernian, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Neil Lennon Ruined Our Day


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just received a copy of a completely fictitious statement from a non-existent Sevco fans' group.

>>>>>>
We Lost A Game To A Manager We Don't Like And Are Going To Embarrass Ourselves In Public About It

Taking It Badly Loyal would like to take this opportunity to commend the brave band of Rangers* supporters who withstood the relentless assault of Neil Lennon during our so-called football match against Hibernian yesterday.

Mr Lennon has a reputation for sneaking out shortly after kickoff and erecting 200ft high walls around stadiums in which the Solar System's most successful club is playing. At which point he then beheads the local population, injects their corpses with a deadly plague and catapults them into the Rangers* supporters with the intention of causing them anguish and an agonising death.

Sadly, Mr Lennon – who always plays the 'I don't behead people' card at the first available opportunity – lived up to his disgusting reputation yesterday. However, he then opted to go further in a truly sickening fashion which leaves us with no alternative but to make this sentence go on for a very very very long time until readers are begging for the merciful release of a full stop which isn't coming quite yet because we really don't like the former Celtic manager and believe he would revel in the attention given to him by properly-constructed sentences.

[*Cough cough cough*]
[*Deep breath*]

As if laying siege to Ibrox and intending to inflict medieval-style pestilence on the passengers of the World's Most Successful Offended Bus wasn't enough, Mr Lennon also conspired to replace the referee with a glove puppet operated by his very own barely-hidden hand.

It was therefore no surprise to Rangers* fans to see decision after decision go against the recent conquerors of Dunfermline. However, it is to the eternal credit of the Rangers* players that they somehow endured this on-pitch conspiracy and conceded no valid goals while scoring two themselves.

If that had been the end of the matter we could perhaps move on and simply demand that Mr Lennon is sent to The Hague to face War Crimes charges. But, unfortunately, Mr Lennon could not accept defeat with any decorum and hacked the Ibrox scoreboard to falsely show Hibernian as having scored three goals. This was of course a lie which his puppet referee was happy to accept, and Rangers* (through no fault of their own) now find themselves three points behind in the Premiership.

This is an absolute disgrace. In fact it is so disgraceful that the word 'disgraceful' should not be allowed to have the word 'grace' in it. It should instead have the word 'NeilLennonfuckedusoverandweloathehim' in it.

No credible football authority can stand idly by while Neil Lennon gets away with such shameful behaviour. Nor can Police Scotland, NATO, the United Nations and the Galactic Senate. We will be petitioning all of these bodies to demand that Mr Lennon is brought to justice and is never again allowed to do what Rangers*-haters falsely describe as "a former Celtic manager refusing to be intimidated, and celebrating goals which brought about a well-deserved victory for his team."

>>>>>>
#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro Is One Of The People


Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany was delighted to note that Paperwork Pedro Caixinha has discovered the solution to any ill which may befall him at Sevco. [At least prior to him being 'resigned' from his job…]

Following yesterday's glorious 2-3 non-triumph against Hibernian and the Clearly Provocative Neil Lennon (who – incidentally – I once saw supporting The Fall), Pedro had various vacuous things to say. Things which most rational folk would mistake for lame-arsed excuses to mask a piss-poor result.

But as far as Pedro was concerned, what doesn't kill you (via liquidation or otherwise) only makes you stronger. Or at least more full of bullshit.

As he told Sevco TV "We will keep fighting knowing that maybe some people are against us. But that's just going to make us strong".

Here is the full clip: https://www.youtube.com/embed/oXHflyzJz6s

For a minute there I thought he was going to say "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I am angry", but then I remembered that the Incredible Bulk was no longer Sevco manager and had recently left his vegetable patch to become a 'pundit' on BT Sport.

But I digress.

As if his claim of folk being against 'them' was not enough, Pedro managed to play a genuine trump card (or was it a Joker?), claiming mid-interview that "We are the People".

Yes. "We are the People".

And here it is, courtesy of @gibbygibbo1:
https://twitter.com/gibbygibbo1/status/896434313432117248/video/1

I didn't get the impression that Pedro was joking, and I would love to know what he thought he was saying when he uttered those immortal words, not that anyone will ask him during his next press conference.

However, it doesn't really matter. The fact that he could make that statement in the expectation that it would be understood by – and resonate with – his audience as some kind of impressive, problem-solving catchphrase is absolutely hilarious!

How much of a moron does he (and anyone who put him up to use that language) think each and every Sevco fan is? How arrogant and/or deluded would you have to be to think it makes things better in any way whatsoever? How detached from reality would you have to be not to worry that it might make you and your 'club' an absolute laughing stock?

The mind boggles. But if Pedro thinks he can get away with it in the context of an embarrassing defeat to Hibernian and the Clearly Provocative Neil Lennon, when else might he try it on?

Here are a few possibilities…

Q: "Pedro, your side has just been relegated and was dumped out of the Cups in the early rounds? Have you anything to say?"
A: "Yes. We are the People."

Q: "Pedro, you pissed away a load of money the club can't afford on terrible players. Have you a word for concerned fans?"
A: "Yes. We are the People. Including those players too. They are the People. We are all the People. Except those people that are not the People. They are not the People."

Q: "Pedro, you aren't supposed to put a Fray Bentos pie in the microwave. It has a metal casing. It exploded and has done thousands of pounds' worth of damage. What were you thinking?"
A: "It is no problem. We are the People. And all is well.
Q: "But now you have nothing to eat?".
A: "Pies may come and go, but we are the People."

Q: "Pedro, your pal's dog has just died and he is really upset. Do you have any words of comfort for him?"
A: "Yes. It is no problem. We are the People."
Q: "But his dog isn't. It's dead."
A: "Not everyone can be the People. And we know that because we are the People. His dog was a dog. Not the People."

Q: "Pedro, your car has broken down, the AA can't get here for six hours, the club can't put petrol in any of its own vehicles until after the next home game gate receipts come in, and you are going to miss the flight for your holiday. How upset are you at this unfortunate turn of events?"
A: "Why would I be upset? We are the People."
Q: "Does being the People fix cars and fly you overseas?"
A: "We are the People. Mark my words carefully. We ARE the people. That is enough."
Q: "So you aren't going on holiday then?"
A: "Jim. Can I say 'no' to this question? [*Pause*]. Oh. We are the People. That is my answer to your question. We ARE the People."

Q: "Pedro, the USA and North Korea may go to war, the world could be burned to a cinder. These are really worrying times aren't they?"
A: "No. We will still win the league. Because we are the People. That will never change."

Q: "Pedro, what do you say to people who suggest you are a cut-price manager who is the living embodiment of the phrase 'you get what you pay for'?"
A: "I say the truth. We are the People. We ARE the People. The People, we are them. WE. ARE. THE. PEOPLE."

What could possibly go wrong, eh?

The Clumpany says Give Ped A Chance.

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

An Urgent Statement About Rangers’ CVA


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just released the following statement…

>>>>>>

The Clumpany is disappointed to note that no one involved in the British food and retail industries is willing to bow to The Clumpany’s demands that they start putting  appeals to find the missing “Rangers exiting administration” documents on milk cartons.

Given the importance of this issue and the wish of similar paperwork from Hearts, Dunfermline and others to join their Rangers counterpart in a big celebratory party at Clumpany Towers, it is outrageous that my perfectly reasonable demands have not been met.

How dare the so-called ‘neutral’ milk sector behave in this outrageous manner? I don’t care whether the content of milk carton packaging is a matter for producers to determine, subject to the inclusion of certain information required by law. I have a self-absorbed fuss to make and BOY am I going to make it.

Nor is it important that milk carton appeals regarding the ‘Missing’  are more of an American thing than a British one. I demand to be heard and respected and to have my wishes pandered-to. Especially those wishes that are explained in really long sentences that wouldn’t know punctuation if it came along and put a semi-colon hyphen full stop to it so there are you intimidated by the length of this sentence are you ARE you?

Even-handedness demands that an appeal for Rangers’ ‘CVA success’ paperwork is put on UK milk cartons. Failure to respect basic human rights will not be tolerated and will result in boycotts and writing grammar-free emails to everyone on a specially-compiled list. I am good at making lists.

I have met with a number of cows in fields across Scotland and they all recognised the need for me to get my own way in this matter. In fact they said they would not be “mooved”.

That’s “mooved”. A direct quote.

How much more persuasion do you need?

Let there be no misunderstanding. Milk and everyone associated with it will regret the day they refused to bow to my demands.

And that includes you Milk Tray Man. Let’s see how glamorous you are when you are just Tray Man.

And Milka Cows. You won’t be laughing when you are simply -a Cows.

And before they get any ideas, the agenda-driven goat community should consider itself ‘on notice’ that its milk is set to be deemed guilty by milky association.

And speaking of ‘milky’, my determination to prevail against the haters is such that I will see Milky Way humiliated – in both its chocolate and galaxy forms if necessary.

No one ‘milks it’ on my watch.

>>>>>>

In other news, I see a Sevco fans’ group has issued a statement.

Statement on Daily Record Coverage

😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Flight Of Fantasy


Good Evening.

The Clumpany just had a truly bizarre experience. There I was in the pub when a man sat next to me and started telling me all about his upcoming holiday.

He was going to Europe and hoped to visit a number of countries. He was VERY excited indeed and started waving his passport and flight details above his head.

It was a bit embarrassing to be honest, but I like to be polite. I nodded my approval, said “that’s nice” and returned to my drink.

But he wasn’t finished!

He reached into a large bag and pulled out a load of photograph albums.

“These are the photographs of all my previous holidays in Europe. There’s barely a place I haven’t visited. Would you like to see them?”

“Well, err…”, I said.

“Good. Now this album is from when I went to France…”.

Several hours later, he finally got to the end of his albums. I was repeatedly tempted to tell him to get lost but I became strangely obsessed by the spectacle and so stuck with it.

However, as he put the last album back in his bag, I had a sudden realisation.

“Hang on a minute! You have all those photograph albums and yet not one single picture is of you? Did you actually go to those places?”.

Whereupon he told me to “f*ck off” and ran out of the pub.

Bemused, I finished my drink and stood up to leave. At which point the landlord came over and said “I see you’ve met Deluded Billy. He’s been boring people with his ‘memories’ for a few weeks now. He’s really excited about going abroad for the first time ever. He flies out next week.”

“So what about all those pictures he had? All those happy memories?”, I asked?

“Oh, he’s a bit embarrassed that he’s never actually been overseas, so he’s made up some ‘Continental history’ for himself. He got those photograph albums in a big house clearance sale. To be honest, I’m a big worried that he’s starting to believe his own bullsh*t.”

>>>>>>

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, Rangers* are apparently about to return to Europe.


#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Dave King: I’m The President Of The World

Dave King, basking in the glory of taxi driver approval

Good Morning.

Not coming to a paper near you any time soon….

>>>>>>

Dave King Set To Take Control Of Planet Following Glasgow Feedback

The Rangers* Supremo has been convinced that he’s even more fantastic that he previously realised following a series of conversations which honestly really did take place in Glasgow.

By A. Pile-O’Crap. 

Dave King is expecting to be appointed President of Earth in the next few days following an extraordinary series of encounters in Glasgow. The exciting news does not stop there however, with Rangers* fans also set to see their club’s trophy haul unexpectedly increased.

Our source explains: “Everyone knows how King has met Celtic-supporting taxi drivers who agreed with his argument that the Hoops have only won two-in-a-row because of the demotion of Rangers*. And they know that the taxi drivers were also quite clear that the top flight wasn’t the same without Rangers* in it.

“But when Dave got out of the taxis he’s received even more support”.

The insider explained that over the course of an afternoon, King met numerous absolutely real people who praised his qualities, his leadership, and his magnificent stewardship of Rangers* following regime change in 2015.

“It was amazing. Dave popped into the local Wetherspoons for a pint of tap water and the Presidents of FIFA and UEFA were both there. Honestly. Seriously. No, really. They were! 

“They slapped Dave on the back and said his transformation of Rangers* was the greatest story in football and was worthy of thirteen European Cups. Dave agreed with them and they undertook to award the trophies to the Light Blues very soon. Up yours Celtic, and f*ck you Real Madrid!

“After winning all those trophies, Dave then went into McDonalds and ended up sitting next to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Amazing, eh? He said he thought Mr King was the finest businessman in the word and that he was a great admirer of the way he had single-handedly got the better of Mike Ashley in a sword duel. 
“During the resulting conversation about the sword – which I think Dave pulled out of a stone a few years ago – they were interrupted by the Governor of the Bank of England who had come in to get a McFlurry.

“The Governor said King was clearly the finest mind ever to enter business and he should be running the country’s economy. In fact he should be put in charge of the IMF as well – where he could give the global economy the sort of inspiration and reassuring leadership it needed. The Chancellor agreed, whereupon they both started making calls on their mobiles to ensure that Dave was appointed.”

The remarkable afternoon did not finish there though. While he was in Primark, King bumped into the Prime Minister, the Presidents of Russia, China and the USA, and the Secretary General of the United Nations.

“It was incredible” says our source “They happened to be standing up when they saw Dave approach them, but quickly sat down specifically so they could immediately rise again and give him a standing ovation.

“They love Dave. He’s their favourite leader, and they know that people around the world respect his vision and achievements. Because their taxi drivers have told them so.

“So, over the course of a chat by the changing rooms while everyone waited for Angela Merkel to try on some new clothes, they decided that the only sensible thing to do for the sake of humanity and the planet was to surrender complete control to Mr King.

“Subject to the paperwork going through, Dave will be declared President of Earth any day now.

“No really, he will. And if you don’t believe me, ask a random taxi driver.”

Dave King was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman confirmed that the Rangers* Chairman is clear and correct in his every utterance.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…