Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Stark Reminder To Liquidation Deniers

Good Evening.

The Clumpany was struck by this tweet and quote published by Sevco FC earlier today.

Like many folk on social media, The Clumpany greatly appreciated the frank admission from Sevco’s own current manager that the basket of assets still seeks its first (major) trophy.

Well done Mr Murty! You are clearly made of strong, truth-embracing stuff.

The Clumpany now looks forward to a tranquil state of acceptance finally washing over the Deluded State of Sevconia.

It was never going to be easy for them to accept that their sense of superiority is as baseless as their first club’s latter-day creditworthiness, but surely NOW – almost six years on – they are finally ready to embrace a truth that we all saw unfolding in 2012?

Let us keep the liquidation deniers in our thoughts during this difficult time as they come to terms with the Sevco manger confirming the creditor-stiffing truth that they perhaps would rather not see. Ever.

And in completely unrelated news, can I send the Evening Shark-Jump’s finest my unreserved compliments of this latest Rangers-free season? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, they can lie, lie and lie again, but we all saw what happened in 2012

Media, Satire, Sevco

An Unfortunate Accident

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany just had a distressed call from my good pal Alan, who I haven’t seen for a while.

He sounded frantic.

“Hi Clumpany. I’m just calling you to let you know what’s happened and to ask if you could bring a few things to the hospital for me.”

I was obviously alarmed and asked him what had happened. He sometimes gets hit by cars because the drivers don’t see him for some reason, but he usually takes it in his stride. So for him to actually be in hospital must have meant that something REALLY bad had occurred.

“It’s my own fault really. You know that bad habit I have…? No, not that one. And not that one either. And NO, it f*cking isn’t the other one. I gave that up ages ago.”

Alan is quite a character. He continued:

“No, it’s that thing I do in the street. No, not that thing. Or the other thing. I reached an understanding with them about that.”

Alan leads an interesting life. Finally, he got to the point:

“You know how I like to kick cans while I am out and about? If I see one littering the street I can’t resist giving it a good kick down the road. BOOM! And off it goes!

“Well, this has been going on for a few years now and over the last couple I had started to notice that whenever I kicked a can it was travelling less and less distance.

“So I tried harder. I started psyching myself up, and telling myself and anyone who would listen that I was the best can kicker in the world. I would shout and bellow and channel all of my aggression into my run-up as I tried to boot the can a bit further.

“But ultimately it made no difference. That kicked can kept ending up near and nearer to me. Until today….”

Adopting an understandably earnest tone, I invited Alan to reveal what had happened today.

“Well today I took the longest run-up ever, I shouted louder than ever, and I gave that can the biggest f*cking kick you have ever seen. Seriously Clumpany, it had the force of a bomb going off.

“And as my foot connected with the can, it stuck to my foot. It didn’t move an inch. The force of the impact rebounded on me, and I flew twenty feet into a wall. I’m in agony.

“For some reason, no one saw me there so I had to crawl to A&E. I then wrapped myself in some bandages and – oddly – it was at that precise moment that the doctor finally saw me and offered an immediate diagnosis.”

Extremely worried, I asked Alan what the doctor had diagnosed, and whether it was serious.

“You bet it’s serious Clumpany.

“He says I have bust my holding company.”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Phantom Horse

Good Evening.

Here is the news. Perhaps…

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Phantom horse confirms Rangers* are in a strong position says Ibrox executive

A mute, invisible horse has taken a long hard look at Rangers’* finances and business plan and confirmed that they are in fine fettle, according to a senior administrator.

By A. Manure-Pile

One of Rangers’* top team last dismissed rumours that the club has been experiencing financial difficulties and has no sustainable long-term plans.

Citing a review by a top analyst, the executive dismissed internet chat and so-called bloggers as ‘conspiracy theorists’ and ‘fantasists’, and called upon Gers* fans to ignore their trouble-making agenda.

When asked what reassuring words he could offer the Light Blue legions, the executive pointed to an empty-looking corner of the room and said “ask the Phantom Horse”.

The executive explained that the Phantom Horse was very light on words and physical presence, but he was a top football business analyst and had recently reassured Rangers* that their finances and plans were absolutely top-drawer.

“I’ve never witnessed anyone get so excited as the Phantom Horse did when we showed him our accounts and set out our vision during a three-hour meeting. He was speechless and you couldn’t see even the merest suggestion of a long face.

“We were absolutely delighted to get a seal of approval from the Phantom Horse. We also took note of him not telling us to sell Alfredo Morelos for £8m. We didn’t mention any £8m bid for Morelos and it was very telling that the Phantom Horse didn’t either.

“The Phantom Horse knows that we are on to a winner here at Rangers* and you will never witness him uttering a bad word about us.”

The Phantom Horse did not respond to our request for an interview. However, we understand from his PR representative that he remains in a state of euphoria about Rangers’* more-than-stable prospects.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun. And I can categorically deny that the Phantom Horse belongs to my pal Alan…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Dave King Will Walk Among Us!

Good Afternoon.

Here is the news. Almost…

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Praise The Lord! The Blessed Dave Will Walk Among Us

Rangers* Chairman has sparked a near-religious frenzy with the news that he will grace Scotland with his presence.

By A. Miracle-Worker

Scenes of ecstasy were witnessed across the land today following the astonishing news that the Blessed Dave King plans to walk among the faithful, bringing peace, love, joy, and hints of jam tomorrow.

The Castlemilk Messiah has largely been a stranger to these barren islands in recent years. But lo! Just when all hope had been lost by his adherents he has announced that he will visit Scotland on a regular basis to bring footballing miracles to the despairing, if not actual cash.

A spokesperson for the Temple of Glib said “this is the news for which we have been sacrificing our dignity in lavish ceremonies for several years. Behold! Where once the Blessed Dave mainly resided in South Africa, inviting Jim White to kneel before his wine cellar, he is now heading to Scotland once a month to bring light into the darkness of Rangers’ poor season.

“The Blessed Dave will inspire his follow-followers with parables of war chests, ‘doing whatever it takes’, and his famous Tale of the Co-investing Fan.

“He will smite the Takeover Panel with impecuniosity. His word will spread to the four corners and 5 Levels of the mainstream media, and all will be in awe of his wisdom. If not his chequebook.

“Mark my words, the Miracle of the 55th Title will go down in the annals of the Daily Record and Evening Times as the most magnificent event in all of creation.”

A source close to one of the leading Chapters of the Temple of Glib added “Dave will see Timmy crushed and think it very good. Now, would you like to invest in the future share issue?”

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Meanwhile, in other news…

Rangers* chairman Dave King to be more hands-on as he decides to spend more time in Scotland

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Transfer Deadline Mayhem

Deadline Day

Good Evening.

The Clumpany isn’t a big fan of the transfer window and Transfer Deadline Day.

Sky Sports screaming about cash figures so large that they are to all intents and purposes meaningless, the media actually competing to be the first to tell us that absolutely nothing is happening at a club, and Jim White’s tie being a ‘thing’.

Dear me.

However, it is what it is. An absolute circus that quite a lot of people enjoy watching for its own sake, and – just occasionally – an opportunity to see your favourite club buying a new player who excites you. It is most certainly not something to be taken completely seriously. For that way lies insanity.

Approximately 105% of Transfer Deadline Day is exaggeration, speculation and misinformation. Whispers about rumours about chat about a sighting of a player in the general vicinity of a particular club. Or perhaps another club. No one is quite sure. But it doesn’t matter because most of the coverage is basically an exercise in filling airtime and column inches.

Some actual deals are done, but most of the day is a game. Sky play it, other media outlets play it, some clubs play it, and we – the great footballing public – also play it.

Who hasn’t got caught up in the occasion at some point and found themselves saying to a friend ” I hear x is on his way to Fulham if the club agree to fly him down from Aberdeen on the back of a golden eagle?” Or “I see y is holding Neil McCann at the point of a sharpened Curly Wurly until he agrees to let him move to Millwall”?

Exactly.

When Transfer Deadline Day comes along most of us take it with a large pinch of salt, knowing that there will be spin, bluster and outright bullshit. We will marvel, grumble and sometimes laugh out loud.

And then we all move on, noting that some players have changed clubs while the overwhelming majority have stayed where they were. The crazy rumours and hype are largely forgotten until the next Transfer Deadline Day. No one dies and no reputations are truly shredded.

In short, Transfer Deadline Day is utterly ephemeral. If food hygiene regulations and people being reluctant to contaminate any part of their lives with a newspaper were not an issue, you might even even say that Transfer Deadline Day news absolutely exemplifies the notion of “tomorrow’s fish and chip paper”.

All of which is by way of introduction to a question…

Why would anyone feel so concerned or defensive about the coverage of an unlikely-sounding ‘big money’ bid for their player to go to the trouble of seeking this sort of apology?

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It makes you think, doesn’t it?

I fear the Universe will quickly collapse if every bit of apparently incorrect football transfer reporting has to be retracted with an apology!

#KeepOnClumping

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Calling Out The Billy Boys

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Random generic image of Sevco fans

Good Evening.

Ahead of today’s Ross County v Sevco Champions League Final, The Clumpany challenged one of the Scottish press pack’s finest to listen out for the appalling songbook often taken to such occasions by a substantial number of ‘Rangers’ fans.

The journalist in question guffawed and said he hadn’t really noticed such songs at Sevco games in the past. However, in the interests of shutting me up once and for all, he asked me to name a song, give him the words, and he would listen out for it.

I chose The Billy Boys, as that is a hardy perennial in the repertoire of the world-renowned Sevco Choir For Peace, Love, Understanding, and Embracing All Things Irish. Having emailed the words of the ‘song’ to the journalist, I sat back and waited for his reply following the final whistle.

Sure enough, half an hour after the game ended, I received the following email:

Hi Clumpany.

Good game today. Rangers are definitely coming! Definitely, definitely, definitely coming this time. Ooft! What an exciting time to be a Rangers fan. Not that I am a Rangers fan of course. I support a Lowland League side that you’ve never heard of, so let’s not dwell on it. But WOW! Murts has got Rangers playing some great stuff!

Anyway, I did as you asked. I had the words of ‘The Billy Boys’ on my laptop screen and put spaces between each line so I could write down exactly what I thought I heard being sung. You have my word that as soon as they started singing I wrote it down in BIG highlighted letters for the avoidance of doubt.

Please see attached. You’ll see that the Rangers fans sang nothing even remotely like The Billy Boys! But you’ll already know that if you watched the game on TV today. Billy Boys my arse!

Pleased see the attached, which is my record of the song that was sung. Have a good evening and #KeepOnChuntering (that’s what you say, isn’t it?!).

Regards

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Oh dear…

#KeepOnCLUMPING
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Mix Your Own Sevco Cocktail!

Good Evening.

The Clumpany couldn’t help but notice that Sevco’s annual Loving Cup ceremony was due to take place yesterday.

To be honest, I thought they were more into Loving Mugs, particularly the ones who accepted a ‘free’ cup of tea from Charles Green’s, and who have subsequently ‘co-invested’ in Basket of Assets FC. 😉

But I can’t be right all the time, can I?

Anyway, I thought that I would enter into the spirit of the occasion by devising a special Clumpany Cocktail that could be drunk from the royalty-saluting receptacle.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the Sevco Loving Cup Cocktail…

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Ingredients

A pint of bitter lemon (if not available, use anything that is bitter).

2 bucketloads of arrogance.

1 sense of entitlement.

1 great big fat liquidation lie.

Several recurring senior personnel.

1 terminated AIM listing.

1 fading memory of a NOMAD.

1 court action by the Takeover Panel.

The echo of The Billy Boys.

A single tear shed by Her Majesty The Queen for all of the unpaid taxes of the ‘same club’.

Method

Scrub Cup vigorously in a forlorn attempt to try and remove all memory of Craig Whyte.

Place the ingredients into the Cup.

Ignore the guffaws from the online community.

Stir thoroughly with inflammatory statements.

Add a final dash of strangely pandering Sheep. [NB do not genetically engineer a panda-sheep hybrid].

Add a small umbrella to symbolise inadequate protection from any incoming sh*tstorms.

Raise a toast without any sense of irony.

Enjoy your drink!

>>>>>>

Sadly, the good folk at Sevco decided not to try my recipe…

Maybe they fancied a Buckie and Bleach instead?

Who wouldn’t?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…