The Clumpany just had a distressed call from my good pal Alan, who I haven’t seen for a while.
He sounded frantic.
“Hi Clumpany. I’m just calling you to let you know what’s happened and to ask if you could bring a few things to the hospital for me.”
I was obviously alarmed and asked him what had happened. He sometimes gets hit by cars because the drivers don’t see him for some reason, but he usually takes it in his stride. So for him to actually be in hospital must have meant that something REALLY bad had occurred.
“It’s my own fault really. You know that bad habit I have…? No, not that one. And not that one either. And NO, it f*cking isn’t the other one. I gave that up ages ago.”
Alan is quite a character. He continued:
“No, it’s that thing I do in the street. No, not that thing. Or the other thing. I reached an understanding with them about that.”
Alan leads an interesting life. Finally, he got to the point:
“You know how I like to kick cans while I am out and about? If I see one littering the street I can’t resist giving it a good kick down the road. BOOM! And off it goes!
“Well, this has been going on for a few years now and over the last couple I had started to notice that whenever I kicked a can it was travelling less and less distance.
“So I tried harder. I started psyching myself up, and telling myself and anyone who would listen that I was the best can kicker in the world. I would shout and bellow and channel all of my aggression into my run-up as I tried to boot the can a bit further.
“But ultimately it made no difference. That kicked can kept ending up near and nearer to me. Until today….”
Adopting an understandably earnest tone, I invited Alan to reveal what had happened today.
“Well today I took the longest run-up ever, I shouted louder than ever, and I gave that can the biggest f*cking kick you have ever seen. Seriously Clumpany, it had the force of a bomb going off.
“And as my foot connected with the can, it stuck to my foot. It didn’t move an inch. The force of the impact rebounded on me, and I flew twenty feet into a wall. I’m in agony.
“For some reason, no one saw me there so I had to crawl to A&E. I then wrapped myself in some bandages and – oddly – it was at that precise moment that the doctor finally saw me and offered an immediate diagnosis.”
Extremely worried, I asked Alan what the doctor had diagnosed, and whether it was serious.
“You bet it’s serious Clumpany.
“He says I have bust my holding company.”
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…