Celtic, Satire, Sevco

The Gap Is Finally Narrowing

Good Evening.

A few days ago, The Clumpany put an anvil and a racehorse next to each other.

I painted the anvil light blue. I got the paint cheap in a fire sale of someone’s assets, but thought it would probably catch the eye of some People if deployed in a pandering sort of way. I will admit that I originally envisaged a ‘panda’ing sort of way’ but the panda said “f*ck that. If I am heading towards extinction I want to preserve some self respect for posterity. You are not painting ME light blue.”

Which was fair enough. So I just painted the anvil instead.

I then plaited green and white ribbons into the mane and tail of the racehorse and it looked absolutely champion. So much so that seven times in a row I said to myself “that horse looks champion.”

And then, all of a sudden the racehorse darted off into the distance like the classy thoroughbred it is. My Lord I have never seen such speed. Neither had the crowd of 59,000 folk who had gathered to cheer it on, and who were wearing similar green and white attire.

Meanwhile, the light blue anvil sat there seemingly immobile.

I say ‘seemingly’ because a passing group of 800 People wearing light blue to show their support of the dead weight started cheering it on and claiming that the gap between the anvil and the horizon-reaching racehorse was actually narrowing.

I took issue with them and said that the thoroughbred was so far ahead that the anvil could never catch it. They said something about me being a ‘hater’, and before I could reply someone jumping a shark in an evening intervened and said “The gap is narrowing. That is all you need to believe. Did I say ‘believe’? I meant ‘know’. Forget I said ‘believe’. The FACT is that the gap is narrowing. That expensively-assembled anvil is going to beat the racehorse over the course of a season.

“No really”.

As you can imagine, I was utterly convinced by their argument…

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#KeepOnClumping

Satire, Sevco, SFA

Beheading For Sevco!

Good Evening.

Surely The Clumpany will hear this on the radio in the not-too-distant future?!

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Presenter: “And joining us in the studio to discuss Allan McGregor’s ludicrous non-brush with the authorities are a completely sensible ex-Rangers player and some random commentator who we are having to entertain under sufferance. Let me first turn to you ex-Rangers star. Do you agree that the Compliance Officer is right not to seek sanctions against our pal Allan McGregor?”

Ex Rangers (or Sevco) player (ERSP): “Allan did absolutely nothing wrong! He was just looking after his goal. There is no reason to haul him before the SFA beaks. Even though I agree with those who say that comparing SFA folk with parts of a duck is silly”.

Random Commentator: “Well that’s an interesting point of view. But let’s be honest, Allan McGregor attacked an opposition player in an unprovoked and aggressive manner.”

ERSP: “How so? Were you watching a completely different game to me? McGregor was just tidying things up”.

Random Commentator: “What are you talking about? He went after his opponent with a scythe. A great big scythe.”

ERSP: “I think you will find it was a little scythe. Barely a scythe at all. There was barely any contact and the Compliance Officer was right to dismiss this ludicrous bleating and concentrate on more important matters such as why Rangers* weren’t awarded a goal for old time’s sake. Or something.”

Random Commentator: “‘Barely a scythe?!’ How can you say that?! He chopped off the head of the opposition player. In the penalty area! That is the very definition of a foul!”

ERSP: “Nonsense. There was no intent there. Unless you refer to McGregor’s intent to keep the grass at a reasonable length in his penalty area. He certainly intended to to do that. And let’s face it, goalkeepers are always fixing the grass in their area – replacing divots for example.”

Random Commentator: “‘FFS he only severed the player’s head on the seventh swing! And after all the other players had surrounded him and started screaming ‘put the f*cking scythe down, you are going to kill him'”.

ERSP: “I don’t think the footage shows that.”

Random Commentator: “It shows his head bouncing off the pitch and being used at a throw-in…”

ERSP: “This is just jealous hysteria.”

Random Commentator: “So what level of on-pitch contact by a Rangers* player would you view as actually worthy of punishment? How ridiculous have things now got?” 

Presenter: “Aaaaand that’s all we’ve got time for. So there you have it folks. Justice rightly prevails for a Rangers* player who just wanted to ensure a level playing field. With his scythe. Tune in tomorrow to hear our pundits discuss how nuclear warfare offers Rangers* hope of toppling Celtic…”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of fun, and cold turkey is really boring.

Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Is Steven Gerrard Paranoid?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has seen a number of folk commenting that Steven Gerrard appeared paranoid after today’s draw against an Aberdeen side so poor that they were mistaken for Sevco’s bank account early in the second half.

Gerrard commented that Sevco were a “class above” the Dons and went on to remark that

“It seems like the world is against us today.

“But we’ll make sure we get better for that because it looks like some more decisions will go against us as the season goes on.

“We need to try and use it to our advantage. It’s not just today, I believe it’s been happening for seasons. That’s just my opinion”

Just his opinion eh? Now, I don’t wish to appear cynical but unless Gerrard has watched hundreds of Sevco games and formed an evidence-based opinion, it seems that someone has either briefed him with lies, or he has made it up – possibly fuelled by paranoia.

I will let my long-suffering readers make up their own minds on the basis of a transcript I have been given. This document (which may have been made up by me 😉) records a post-match interview in which Gerrard’s was asked to explain his opinion…

Interviewer: “Steven, can you just clarify your remarks about decisions going against Rangers* for a number of seasons? It’s quite a claim to make. Why do you think that.”

Stevie G: “Well there’s nothing the authorities won’t do to stop this club from being successful. In fact I was surprised we even made it here today.”

Interviewer: “How do you mean?”

Stevie G: “Well, it was a really nervous ride up here. I’d been warned that for every away fixture we play in Scotland the football authorities will send out a special agent to try and stop us arriving. They simply do not want us to play and win football matches.”

Interviewer: “A special agent?”

Stevie G: “Yeah. The codename of this agent is apparently Wile E. Coyote. Some very well informed people told me that he dashes all over Scotland trying to stop us from road running to our fixtures. The officials behind Wile E. Coyote hate Rangers* and want him to do whatever it takes to destroy the world’s most successful club.”

Interviewer: “And you believe this?”

Stevie G: “Why would these people who are looking out for Rangers* lie to me? You can’t be too careful. I just want to win trophies for this club, and I’m worried about dirty tricks being used to stop us.”

Interviewer: “What kind of tricks? I think our readers and the fans… oh hang on they are the same thing… I think they deserve to know. Perhaps by exposing this we can bring some transparency and accountability to the Scottish game?”

Stevie G: “Well apparently there are a variety of tricks involved. ACME dynamite is often used. You know the sort of thing. It’s triggered by a fuse which never lasts for as long as you think it should.

Interviewer: “Dynamite?”

Stevie G: “Yeah. And he also paints a road on the ground leading to a false picture of a tunnel that is painted on to a solid rock-face. That’s a very dirty trick to play.”

Interviewer: “That’s awful! Anything else?”

Stevie G: “Yes. A big anvil dropped from a cliff above our bus. Imagine trying to get three points after being hit by that.”

Interviewer: “That’s awful Steven. So how was the journey up to Aberdeen for today’s game? Any sign of Wile E. Coyote?”

Stevie G: “No. none at all. But it was a nervous ride and we will all be extra-vigilant after today’s refereeing performance. Do you know if Kevin Clancy has an alter ego and an animal costume?”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Reply To Celtic’s Statement

Good Evening.

Not coming to a ‘club’, ‘holding company’ or ‘engine room subsidiary’ website any time soon….

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Club Statement

Rangers* Football Club was appalled to see the inflammatory, entirely reasonable statement issued by Celtic FC this afternoon.

This unilateral act – which was disgracefully undertaken without the involvement of Rangers’* PR advisers – beggars belief.

This club has a long history (a REALLY long history) of feeling entitled to put Celtic in their place by any means we choose. It is an affront to the good reputation of Scottish football for Celtic to shrug its shoulders at our decision to cut their allocation and say “OK, two can play at that game”.

[*Insert sentence including a really long word out of context to try and appear clever and intimidating*]

For Celtic to demean Scottish football by looking out for their fans and not picking an argument with us is utterly intolerable and we expect the SFA, SPFL, and Emperor Palpatine to impose the harshest sanctions.

Twice.

Or maybe three times.

For the avoidance of doubt, Rangers* Football Club will work tirelessly to avoid all doubt in this completely undoubtable matter.

Let there be no doubt about it.

This club will not bow to Celtic’s attempts to create an uneven playing field in Scottish football by suggesting that they would be happy to discuss ticket allocations with us.

Our supporters will rightly expect us to issue outraged statements like this one over and over again during the next couple of weeks. We will not let them down.

It is entirely immaterial whether Rangers* Football Club is no position to lecture others about good conduct. We will not stand idly by and fail to make a lot of noise when we could instead be taking up Celtic’s offer to talk to us.

We cannot and will not pander to their completely reasonable and constructive attitude.

[*Mention ‘fiduciary duty’. It sounds impressive*]

For too long Rangers* Football Club has been treated generously by everyone in a position of power. This is not good enough. Everyone at the club demands an even better deal. This historic history-laden club insists that it should be handed everything on a plate. A silver one at that.

Celtic have gone too far in today’s reasonable and non-hostile statement. Enough is enough. We demand to be given a reason – no matter how flimsy – to absolutely lose our shit at the dignified approach of the Parkhead outfit.

BTW Season tickets are still available.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

How To Back A Guaranteed Winner

Good Evening.

The Clumpany doesn’t usually take an interest in gambling, but my good pal Alan – who I haven’t seen in ages – called last night to alert me to “the hottest prospect in the entire history of horse racing.”

Alan tells me that this two year-old, four-legged wonder will be making his debut very soon and is the fastest creature ever to walk the Earth. Or rather blaze across continents faster than you can say ‘whoosh’.

Apparently a Sevco fan in the pub told Alan about the horse and they are absolutely convinced that it is going to clean up in all the big flat races over the next few years.

“You’ve got to tell everyone about this sure-fire thing” said Alan. “Even if they don’t want to back it, they will still love watching it run.”

Intrigued, I asked Alan for more details to pass on to my long-suffering readers, and he duly obliged.

Apparently the horse is called Ashley’s Injunction, and looks like this:

I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking “that doesn’t look like a thoroughbred racehorse. In fact it looks like a pantomime horse.”

Because that’s what I thought, and I told Alan so in no uncertain terms. But he immediately – and indignantly – informed me that his Sevconian contact had explained that it IS a thoroughbred racehorse.

However, owing to ‘sponsorship rules’ it was having to wear an unfamiliar replacement strip. There was absolutely no need to worry about Ashley’s Injunction.

That seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation to me. So pile in and back this thoroughbred with every penny you have!

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Medieval Approach

Siege

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in any attempted newspapers…

>>>>>

We are a building a fortress here says Arfield 

The Rangers* midfielder saw encouraging signs of fortification during the Light Blues’ truly magnificent 6-0 friendly victory against English high-fliers Bury.

By A. Motte-Bailey

Scott Arfield last night insisted that the Gers’* stylish humiliation of the Shakers was the beginning of something special at Ibrox, and any domestic or Europa League raiders can expect to face intimidation and harsh resistance should they have ambitions of conquering Steven Gerrard’s side.

“You could see it taking shape even before the game” said Arfield.

“Loads of the fans digging a moat around the ground and pissing in it to fill it up. There will be a drawbridge going in over the next few days, and it will be lifted to stop opposition teams getting in. Apparently some local businesses have donated old shelves to make it. It’s an absolutely top class gesture and shows what this club* is all about.”

But the external fortifications are not the only obstacle visiting sides can expect to encounter at Ibrox this season.

“We are going to have archers standing on the roof to fend off anyone who makes it across the moat. I say ‘archers’ but it’s actually the local darts team. They share a set of darts so there are only actually three to throw. But this is a well organised defence that will take no prisoners! That’s what the manager wants and everyone is working hard to make it happen.”

Arfield also confirmed that should anyone evade the archers, a grisly fate awaits them.

“You’ve read about how they used to pour hot tar down on enemies trying to climb the walls? Well, the coaching staff have asked a cafe if they can borrow a hot cup of tea to throw down on the opposition. We couldn’t scrape together the cash to buy it, but thankfully the cafe has said it’s no bother. We just need to call them and the tea is ours. Shipped over from their urn in Belfast. They reckon they could get it to us within a few hours.”

Finally, the former Falkirk and Burnley hero sounded a warning about the Rangers* squad’s long-term commitment to seeing off challenges, no matter where they come from.

“The board wants us to adopt a siege mentality. So the water supply will be cut off and we will have to make what food we have last until the end of May. Unless we decide to eat fringe players who can’t get a game.

“And apparently anyone who complains about it being a cost-cutting exercise may find themselves facing the anger of the Ogre. I think it works as a trainer in the gym or something”.

>>>>>
Meanwhile…

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…
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Satire, Sevco

How To Buy An Orange Sevco Top

 

A4543A6F-16C4-417E-94A5-FDA255C564FE

Good Evening.

Overheard on the streets of Glasgow…

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William: “Hi Billy.”

Billy: “Hi pal. Everything OK with you?”

William: “F*cking outstanding mate. Dave King has the corrupt cabal at Hampden on the run and Stevie G is here for 55!”

Billy: “I know what you mean. Liewwell is shitting himself. He’s going to be done for war crimes at the very least.”

William: “It’s the minimum that the bastard deserves.”

Billy: “Aye. I’m going to keep up with news of his deportation while I’m on holiday.”

William: “You going away mate? I wondered what that suitcase you are carrying was for.”

Billy: “Yes pal, heading to the airport now. I’m buzzing for it.”

William: “Nice. Where are you off to?”

Billy: “The usual pal. The Costa del Intolerance. Sun, sea and hostility towards anyone who doesn’t share my narrow view of the world. Can’t beat it.”

William: “Wish I was coming with you mate. It sounds brilliant. You’ll be giving any Tarriers the ‘Billy Boys’ I assume?”

Billy: “Nailed on pal. And if they don’t like it they can always ‘go home’. Ha ha ha.”

William: “Good one mate. F*ck them. Hope you have a brilliant time. By the way what’s that piece of paper on your chest?”

Billy: “What, this A4 printout?”

William: “Aye that’s the one. Stapled to your King Billy t-shirt.”

Billy: “I knew you would spot it pal. You’ve always had an eye for quality!”

William: “So what is it?”

Billy: “Ha. Nice one. You know very well what it is.”

William: “Do I? Tell me.”

Billy: “Always the joker pal! You know very well that it’s the new Hummel tap. The third strip. The Tarriers are raging about it being orange. I think it’s brilliant and I’ll be wearing it all the time I am on holiday! It’s the best £60 I have ever spent. Dave King promised and Dave King delivered. So Dave King can take my f*cking money!”

William: “But it’s a piece of paper…”

Billy: “Yeah, I know. Mike f*cking Ashley has stopped the club from selling the orange tap until October. Probably. But I’ve got round Ashley’s trick. I paid £60 for a printed-out picture of the orange tap and am attaching it to  everything I wear!”

William: “That’s absolutely brilliant mate. We Bears always know how to show why we are the World’s Most Successful Club, don’t we?”

Billy: “Definitely pal. We will always find a way to show Ashley who is boss. I bet he’s crying right now.”

William: “No doubt about it mate. Can you tell me where you got that printout? I’ve got 60 of Her Majesty The Queen’s pounds burning a hole in my pocket right now.”

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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