Media, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Medieval Approach

Siege

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in any attempted newspapers…

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We are a building a fortress here says Arfield 

The Rangers* midfielder saw encouraging signs of fortification during the Light Blues’ truly magnificent 6-0 friendly victory against English high-fliers Bury.

By A. Motte-Bailey

Scott Arfield last night insisted that the Gers’* stylish humiliation of the Shakers was the beginning of something special at Ibrox, and any domestic or Europa League raiders can expect to face intimidation and harsh resistance should they have ambitions of conquering Steven Gerrard’s side.

“You could see it taking shape even before the game” said Arfield.

“Loads of the fans digging a moat around the ground and pissing in it to fill it up. There will be a drawbridge going in over the next few days, and it will be lifted to stop opposition teams getting in. Apparently some local businesses have donated old shelves to make it. It’s an absolutely top class gesture and shows what this club* is all about.”

But the external fortifications are not the only obstacle visiting sides can expect to encounter at Ibrox this season.

“We are going to have archers standing on the roof to fend off anyone who makes it across the moat. I say ‘archers’ but it’s actually the local darts team. They share a set of darts so there are only actually three to throw. But this is a well organised defence that will take no prisoners! That’s what the manager wants and everyone is working hard to make it happen.”

Arfield also confirmed that should anyone evade the archers, a grisly fate awaits them.

“You’ve read about how they used to pour hot tar down on enemies trying to climb the walls? Well, the coaching staff have asked a cafe if they can borrow a hot cup of tea to throw down on the opposition. We couldn’t scrape together the cash to buy it, but thankfully the cafe has said it’s no bother. We just need to call them and the tea is ours. Shipped over from their urn in Belfast. They reckon they could get it to us within a few hours.”

Finally, the former Falkirk and Burnley hero sounded a warning about the Rangers* squad’s long-term commitment to seeing off challenges, no matter where they come from.

“The board wants us to adopt a siege mentality. So the water supply will be cut off and we will have to make what food we have last until the end of May. Unless we decide to eat fringe players who can’t get a game.

“And apparently anyone who complains about it being a cost-cutting exercise may find themselves facing the anger of the Ogre. I think it works as a trainer in the gym or something”.

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Meanwhile…

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…
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Satire, Sevco

How To Buy An Orange Sevco Top

 

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Good Evening.

Overheard on the streets of Glasgow…

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William: “Hi Billy.”

Billy: “Hi pal. Everything OK with you?”

William: “F*cking outstanding mate. Dave King has the corrupt cabal at Hampden on the run and Stevie G is here for 55!”

Billy: “I know what you mean. Liewwell is shitting himself. He’s going to be done for war crimes at the very least.”

William: “It’s the minimum that the bastard deserves.”

Billy: “Aye. I’m going to keep up with news of his deportation while I’m on holiday.”

William: “You going away mate? I wondered what that suitcase you are carrying was for.”

Billy: “Yes pal, heading to the airport now. I’m buzzing for it.”

William: “Nice. Where are you off to?”

Billy: “The usual pal. The Costa del Intolerance. Sun, sea and hostility towards anyone who doesn’t share my narrow view of the world. Can’t beat it.”

William: “Wish I was coming with you mate. It sounds brilliant. You’ll be giving any Tarriers the ‘Billy Boys’ I assume?”

Billy: “Nailed on pal. And if they don’t like it they can always ‘go home’. Ha ha ha.”

William: “Good one mate. F*ck them. Hope you have a brilliant time. By the way what’s that piece of paper on your chest?”

Billy: “What, this A4 printout?”

William: “Aye that’s the one. Stapled to your King Billy t-shirt.”

Billy: “I knew you would spot it pal. You’ve always had an eye for quality!”

William: “So what is it?”

Billy: “Ha. Nice one. You know very well what it is.”

William: “Do I? Tell me.”

Billy: “Always the joker pal! You know very well that it’s the new Hummel tap. The third strip. The Tarriers are raging about it being orange. I think it’s brilliant and I’ll be wearing it all the time I am on holiday! It’s the best £60 I have ever spent. Dave King promised and Dave King delivered. So Dave King can take my f*cking money!”

William: “But it’s a piece of paper…”

Billy: “Yeah, I know. Mike f*cking Ashley has stopped the club from selling the orange tap until October. Probably. But I’ve got round Ashley’s trick. I paid £60 for a printed-out picture of the orange tap and am attaching it to  everything I wear!”

William: “That’s absolutely brilliant mate. We Bears always know how to show why we are the World’s Most Successful Club, don’t we?”

Billy: “Definitely pal. We will always find a way to show Ashley who is boss. I bet he’s crying right now.”

William: “No doubt about it mate. Can you tell me where you got that printout? I’ve got 60 of Her Majesty The Queen’s pounds burning a hole in my pocket right now.”

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

His Big Mikeness Strikes Again

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has greatly enjoyed the MSM’s coverage of His Big Mikeness’s latest legal manoeuvrings, which threaten to hinder sales of Sevco merchandise. Merchandise which includes the pile of slightly adapted generic kits that Hummel possibly never expected to sell in the first place until Dave King chapped on their door.

My main source of amusement has been the way that the Scottish football MSM has maintained a po-faced demeanour suggesting that they were bringing a new story to the punters when the simple fact of the matter was that they were only telling us what we already knew.

This seems to happen quite often and makes you wonder whether the MSM is still locked into a mindset that only THEY break real news, and ‘folk on the Internet’ such as Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and the wider Bampot community don’t.

You get the impression that the social media brigades could have all the training, track records, sources and NUJ cards in the world and yet it still wouldn’t count in the eyes of those working for ‘Proper News Organisations’. Whatever they are.

I don’t suggest that these were the exact thoughts that ran through the minds of those in the outlets which reported on Ashley’s latest move many hours after Phil had put the story out there and the online community had looked at some points of detail. I am sure that these folk are doing their jobs in good faith.

However, the whole spectacle, and the mocking reaction of a lot of people on social media speaks volumes about the state of the ‘traditional’ coverage of the often-pantomime that is Scottish football.

There is a real thirst out there for timely information about significant developments, and for some decent, thought-provoking analysis. Phil delivered it yesterday, and so-called ‘Bampots’ quickly waded in. It was fascinating and engaging stuff.

Frankly, someone from a mainstream outlet popping up online the following day and saying that a story about it would follow soon doesn’t cut the mustard. Especially when that story turns out to be little more than the bare bones of what we already knew.

I don’t want to do a hatchet job on anyone over this, but I do want to point out that the exasperation and mockery that has been expressed over the mainstream coverage of the latest Ashley/Sevco litigation seems to be entirely appropriate. Not least because it so clearly illustrates the continuing and possibly ultimately fatal shortcomings of the ‘old ways’ of covering Scottish football.

We deserve better.

#KeepOnClumping

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Media, Satire, Sevco

Giving F*ck All To Sevco

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Good Evening.

Not appearing in an attempted newspaper any time soon…

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New Signing Says “F*ck That”

The Ibrox outfit’s latest signing is determined to crush Celtic in his own unique way.

By A. Shite-Peddler

Rangers’’* newest recruit has promised to destroy their Old Firm* rivals by treating the fans to a truly astonishing display.

The player – who asked not to be named as he felt any association with our output would embarrass his family for countless generations to come – said that he had something truly special in store.

“I literally give zero fucks about who I am playing for” revealed the starlet whose agent couldn’t be arsed to provide further details when we asked him to help us fill column inches.

“If I am really honest, I plan to make a complete arse if it and be marooned on the subs’ bench for the rest of eternity.

“You’ve heard all the cliches about players wanting to prove themselves and welcoming the ‘step up’ to this ‘massive club’?

“Well I don’t do cliches. And if I don’t get a game and fail to add to the pretence of the club’s* history in a way that pleases its PR operation, I couldn’t care less.

“Ideally my preference would be to score a load of own goals. Great big blasts into the centre of the Rangers* goal having first taken out the keeper with my shoulder-carried rocket launcher.

“Failing that, I’m happy to play in any position and wave the opposition lads on as they steam past and knock ten goals in.

“I’m just done with this pantomime of turning up at a new club and being determined to do a good job, only for the local media to make out that I am going to do something extraordinary for them.

“Reading them, you would think that I am going to become a ballerina and literally  dance the ball into the opposition net.

“That simply isn’t going to happen. No matter how deluded the local media is.

“So let me state on the record once and for all… If I could sit on a deck chair while Rangers’* opponents stroked the ball around me. And if I could then see them take a wee break and order some whisky at the club’s* expense and savour it before scoring an embarrassing amount of goals against the Light Blues, I would be good with that.

“It’s only football FFS! And it would be a shocking state of affairs if we were locked into a perpetual cycle of uttering platitudes to give the mainstream media something easy to feed off.

“Wouldn’t it?”

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Meanwhile… 😉

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Stevie G’s Miracle Cure

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Good Evening.

The Clumpany didn’t see this advert anywhere…

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Introducing Stevie G’s Miracle Cure!

Sevco Pharmaceuticals are delighted to introduce a product which will revolutionise medical science.

It will transform the lives of half a billion People.

Where once there was extreme discomfort and embarrassment, there will now be unadulterated joy.

No longer will People have to hide away for hours on end feeling as though their insides have been sealed up with concrete.

Never again will People strain and pray in hope for the blessing of a release from inner torment.

This medical marvel is guaranteed to change lives throughout Sevconia!

So roll up roll up and get our special hashtag-shaped ‘Let’s Go’ pills! 

Inspired by a lame, random, throwaway remark by Stevie G that he immediately forgot (but which we are determined to flog to within an inch of its life), the ‘Let’s Go’ tablets do exactly what they say on the tin*. [*Old Smarties tube.]

That’s right! ‘Let’s Go’ is the jaw and pants-dropping laxative that will let all Sevco fans go.

Constipation is absolutely no problem for our miracle formula which cuts through solid shit just as quickly as The Clumpany dissects an MSM-Sevco love-in.

All YOU need to do is to buy into our fantasy about a rookie manager being truly amazing and BOOM, the ‘Let’s Go’ pills are yours.

We absolutely guarantee that Stevie G’s efforts will have you shitting yourself in no time whatsoever.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, this product was not tested on rational human beings…

 

 

Satire, Sevco

Throwing Out The Trash

Source: various across all social media platforms…

Good Morning.Glasgow City Council hasn’t issued the following waste recycling guidance… 😉

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Green Bin Recycling

What is it?

The green bin recycling service is for the collection of overpaid rubbish footballers.

When is my green bin collected?

Once a year you can aim to have a massive clear out but will end up only half-filling the bin.

Bin lorries are not needed but could certainly be provided if necessary. No really. We have a journalist lined up to assert the ‘fact’ if necessary.

Instead, a bus will be along any minute now to take the rubbish footballers. Honest. Failing that, there will be golf buggies to remove the stinking mess.

Managers who fill their green bin to excess in the hope of persuading their chairman to pay for new players will receive short shrift.

What can go into the green bins?

You can dispose of the following items within your green bin:

• goalkeepers of whom one might ask “what’s the goalie daein?”

• defenders. Or Bruno Alves.

• midfield dynamos with utterly implausible alleged release clauses in their contracts.

• strikers who never quite seem to be sold to the Chinese for over £11m.

Placing individuals other than those noted above into the green bin will adversely affect the quality of the material that we send to our re-processing partners. We need proper shit to make decent compost for the parks and gardens of Glasgow. Consequently, the truly abject nature of players deposited is a vital consideration.

What should not be placed in the green bin?

Please do not place the following items into your green bin:

• Title hopes

• Tactics

• Baseless superiority complexes

• Failed tifos

• Concert parties

• Promises of Nomads

• Empty war chests

• Bullshit newspaper stories to sell season books.

Please dispose of these items by shoving them up your deluded arses.

What happens to the green bin contents?

After being photographed and posted on Twitter for the entertainment of the whole of humanity, the contents of the green bin are taken to the transfer market fire sale. The players are separated from their disappointing career history prior to being hawked around lower league English clubs with more money than sense.

Any leftover players – which will be most of them – will be recycled into the Sevco squad to play their part in another piss-poor season.

Please note, the above guidance does not apply to Celtic FC who should simply call the Council and quote the reference STATEAID if they need assistance.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, fly-tipping is illegal.

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Don’t Mention The Bus

Shhh. You haven’t seen this…

Don’t.

Just don’t, OK.

Do not mention any buses.

There is no need for a bus, but if there was, there would be a bus available. You can be absolutely certain about that.

People can get very upset about buses.

Fortunately, it is possible to do things in a bus-free way and avoid any unnecessary bus-related anxiety or public displays of irritation.

In such circumstances you can dispense with having a bus to do things that might ordinarily involve a bus.

You can be gloriously bus free, and enjoy a walk or a ride on a non-bus mode of transport.

Like a buggie, a pogo stick, or a scooter. Those things are definitely not buses.

Other non-bus options might include a rocket. Perhaps a complete and utter rocket. Who knows?

If you felt like relying on nature you would not use a bus, and might instead await a particularly strong gust of wind to get you from A to B.

Or you could hope to be propelled by a sudden earthquake. Now that really would be a lively means of non-bus transportation!

Failing that, you could perhaps hope to be propelled along by the force of a person’s sharp wit and insightful commentary. OK in the case of some people you might then end up waiting a bloody long time to be moved, but at least there would be no bus involved and no need for one.

Whatever your choice, it is important not to mention buses.

Do not discuss buses in any way shape or form. All is well with the world when it comes to buses, and no good can come of talking about them.

So please do not mention buses.

I for one would certainly never dream of doing so.

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of bus…