Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

A Guest Blog By Steven Gerrard

There’s been a lot of talk in the papers and online recently about the performance of my Rangers* side, and about whether I’m happy in the job.

So I’m absolutely delighted to be given this opportunity to set the record straight. And in case anyone has any doubts about whether what I am about to say is true, let me state that I take full responsibility for it. Although obviously if there’s any misunderstanding or if things turn out differently to what I say, then can I just say how disappointed I am that The Clumpany has let me down like this? I’ve given that blog everything. Nothing’s been too good for it. And if I put things on a plate for someone I expect a bowlful of respect, loyalty and quality performance from them.

No one is hurting more than I am about how badly this blog has been received. Tim Berners-Lee did brilliantly in training this week and we had a great tactics session. But his World Wide Web has sold me down the river by putting something so disappointing out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I stand by everyone involved in getting this blog published. The buck stops with me. But no one is more upset than I am that a keyboard, wires, electricity, and smartphones have undermined all my work to channel the 21st Century communications revolution for the good of Rangers* and allowed a substandard performance to disappoint the fans.

I am fully accountable for what’s gone on here. But no-one has been made sick to the stomach more than me to see words lose their formation and embarrass this club. I’ve given the English language every opportunity, and I honestly can’t believe it’s gone missing when the chips are up the creek without a sail.

Honestly, I represent this club, and take the criticism on the chin. My chin is the big cheese chin. It’s the head honcho of chins. I know that because my chin is usually attached to my head. But I’m gutted for the fans. I planned that blog, poured everything I could into it. There is no way that blog can look the supporters in their blinking eye, or in their other blinking eye, and say it has delivered for them.

I am all about honest performances. We don’t let any shortcomings lie in training. We have a polygraph to test them. Polly’s a lovely parrot. I bought her myself. The pet shop really let me down though, because I paid for a cat. That said, I take full responsibility for not trying to rectify my mistake at the time of purchase. I’ll explain that when I sue the pet shop in the courts.

So you can see how betrayed I feel. However, I am in charge and I have to accept the blame. I’m not going to say that everyone and everything has committed treason against my brilliant work to make Rangers* successful. But they all know I don’t like trees and yet I still end up seeing them every day.

Given the reception it’s had I won’t be writing any more guest blogs.


[Note from The Clumpany: Steven Gerrard was subsequently informed that despite his claims, he hadn’t actually written the agreed guest blog and had instead ‘gone off on one’ about it possibly being badly received. The Clumpany subsequently got an unexpected opportunity to examine the underside of a bus and is considering a new career as a mechanic.]

NB This blog contains no actual Steve Gerrard. Remember folks, it’s always just a bit of satirical fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

In Grave Danger Of Drying Out

Good Evening.

The Clumpany just had a call from my pal Alan. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. He was keen to update me on his latest bizarre experience.

Alan had somehow found himself in a Sevco supporting pub* and had witnessed a very strange scene. [* Don’t worry, no one noticed that he is a Celtic fan. In fact they didn’t notice anything about him at all…]

He said he was minding his own business at the far end of the bar, drinking a pint of his usual Super Strength Sevco Fans’ Tears when a young couple came in to the pub.

“What’ll it be?” grunted the barman.

The young man Billy looked at the hand-print cave paintings masquerading as a drinks list behind the bar and said he’d have a pint of bison.

The barman told him “not to be so f*cking cheeky as that clearly says lager. I wrote it myself”.

Billy quickly ordered a pint of lager. He then asked his girlfriend Billie what she would like, and having squinted up at the wall, she asked if they had any white wine.

Everyone in the pub stopped what they were doing and gasped.

The barman coughed and spluttered. “We don’t have much call for that love” he said.

Billie sighed and asked if the barman would have a look “to see if they had any in the back”.

Everyone in the pub shook their heads and sighed. The barman did likewise and stomped out of the back of the bar. After a couple of minutes of rattling and swearing he reappeared, covered in dust and clutching a grubby looking ancient bottle. He slammed it on the bar. “There you are love” he said. “Small, medium or large?”.

Billie sighed very loudly. “Dry please. And THAT bottle is sweet. Very sweet. So sweet it should be called Chateau Helicopter Sunday.” Her boyfriend laughed at what presumably passes for comedy in Sevconia. But the rest of the pub winced and muttered “Ooft” under their breath.

The barman was not pleased. “Look love” he grumbled, “This is a Rangers* pub. If you want taste and sophistication you can f*ck off elsewhere. Here we serve beer, lager, dignity and staunchness.”

“And meths!” shouted a very drunk sounding voice from near the dart board.

“Oi! William, I’ve told you before. P*ss off. You are barred.” yelled the barman. The decayed monument to excessive drinking that was apparently called William was then swiftly escorted off the premises.

Billie wasn’t going to let her wine disappointment drop. “OK barman. I know you are doing your best… but are you absolutely sure you can’t do me a dry white wine? Please.”

The barman paused, then smiled as if he’d had a ‘lightbulb moment’. “I’m sorry love, of course I can do you a dry white wine! How dry?”

“Ooh very dry please!” said a delighted Billie. “As dry as you can manage”.

“No bother” said the barman. Just give me a minute. He picked up his mobile phone, made a quick call out the back of the bar and then reappeared. He picked up a wine glass, blew off the decades of accumulated unpleasantness, set it down on the bar and picked up the bottle he had slammed down earlier.

“What are you doing?” exclaimed Billie. “That’s the sweet white wine”.

“No love, I’m serving dry white wine” said the barman.

“But…” said Billie.

“This is going to be very very very dry, just how you wanted” it said the barman. “It’s almost ready”.

As the barman placed the full wine glass on the bar there was a screech of brakes outside and suddenly three firefighters burst into the pub with a hose which was pumping out a jet of high pressured water.

“Over here!” said the barman, pointing to Billie. And with that the firefighters took aim at her glass and blasted water into it.

Billie screamed. The water kept on coming from the hose. It shattered the glass and proceeded to shower everyone in the pub and flood the entire floor.

And still it kept on coming.

“There you are love”, said the barman. I can’t make it any drier than that.

“What the f*ck is going on?” yelled Billie’s boyfriend Billy.

“A good question…” thought my pal Alan to himself as he scrolled through his Twitter timeline…


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of very silly satirical fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco



Good Evening.

The Clumpany had a call from my pal Alan earlier today. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages… He had just been out shopping and wanted to tell me about a ‘scene’ he’d seen unfolding in a Glasgow toy shop involving one of the Scottish press pack’s finest and an unfortunate shop assistant…


Journalist: “Hi. I’ve come for a refund. I’ve got a faulty product.”

Shop Assistant: “What appears to be the problem, Sir?”

Journalist: “I’ve just told you. I got something a while back and it doesn’t work properly. I want my money back, please.”

Shop Assistant: “OK Sir. Have you got the receipt?”

Journalist: “No. I bought it in 2012, or was it 1872? I can never tell the difference. You don’t expect me to keep a receipt that long do you? Anyway, the main point is that I only just got round to playing with it, and I can’t believe that the first time it was out of the  box it was broken. I need a refund and I need it now.”

Shop Assistant: “Well Sir, it will be difficult to offer a refund after all this time without a receipt. Still, you are a Scottish football journalist so maybe you’ll think that people being left out of pocket through no fault of their own is no biggie. In fact it’s probably best left not mentioned ever again. I am sure I read that in a newspaper. Or did I hear it on the radio? Who knows.”

Journalist: “Are you trying to be clever?”

Shop Assistant: “Of course not Sir. I’m just saying that we may not be able to help you without a receipt, and you may have to accept that.”

Journalist: “Look. Let me tell you about this disgraceful shoddy thing I bought. I am sure you will agree there is no excuse for not giving me a refund.”

Shop Assistant: “OK Sir. What is the problem?”

Journalist: “It’s this bloody board game ‘Cluedo’. It doesn’t work.” [*Opens box and empties contents on to counter*]

Shop Assistant: [*Rummaging through the items*] “Are you sure, Sir? I know ‘Cluedo’ very well. I’ve played it ever since I was little and now my kids love it. And I can tell you with absolute confidence that everything that is supposed to be in the box is present and correct. You Sir are the owner of ‘Cluedo’ perfection.”

Journalist: “What are you talking about? It’s faulty.”

Shop Assistant: “Is the problem perhaps that you misunderstood the rules?”

Journalist: “Look, I’m not an idiot. [*Pauses*] Did you just roll your eyes?”

Shop Assistant: “Absolutely not, Sir.”

Journalist: “Good. I’m not an idiot and I know fine well that in ‘Cluedo’ you have to identify the perpetrator of the crime, the crime scene, and the weapon that was used.”

Shop Assistant: “Congratulations, Sir.”

Journalist: “Look, I don’t like your attitude. Don’t you know who I am?”

Shop Assistant: “I certainly do Sir, and I am being appropriately respectful.”

Journalist: “Oh. Good. I think…”

Shop Assistant: “So the board game has all the pieces it should, and you know all the rules. I am still struggling to see the problem.”

Journalist: “OK let me explain to you what happened when me and my journalist pals tried to play this so-called ‘game’ over a few beers.”

Shop Assistant: “Please do.”

Journalist: “Aye. Well we were having a quiet one with pizza and a couple of cases of beer. And someone spotted ‘Cluedo’ on the shelf…”

Shop Assistant: “Did anyone do the ‘I would have expected you to be ‘Clue-less’ joke, Sir?”

Journalist: “You’re doing it again aren’t you?”

Shop Assistant: “Of course not, Sir. ‘Politeness’ is my middle name. Well one of my middle names. The other one is ‘Gullible’.”

Journalist: “Really?! That’s amazing! I bet most people don’t believe that when you tell them. But I think it’s brilliant. Really unusual!”

Shop Assistant: “Dear God. Someone shoot me now… Sorry Sir, I interrupted your story about the faulty ‘Cluedo’.”

Journalist: “Yes, well. I got the game off the shelf and set it up. We were about to start when the other three journalists all shouted out ‘I know! I know whodunnit! It was the Celtic fan, in Alfredo Morelos’s car park, with the wire cutters’. I don’t mind telling you I was p*ssed off because I was going to guess that too. They beat me to it.”

Shop Assistant: “I still don’t see how the game is faulty, Sir.”

Journalist: “I haven’t got to that bit yet. I’m just setting the scene,”

Shop Assistant: “I see… Do carry on. Only can you please hurry up because the queue for the tills is now stretching down the street…”

Journalist: “What like when Rangers* season tickets go on sale at Ibrox?”

Shop Assistant: “No Sir. Not like that. I can definitely see this queue of real people.. Can you get to the point please?”

Journalist: “Fine. I will. No the real problem wasn’t that the lads guessed before me. The problem was that when we looked at the cards it said that Professor Plum had done it, with the candlestick, in the library.”

Shop Assistant: “Yes that sounds plausible…”

Journalist: “What do you mean? We looked through the rest of the ‘Cluedo’ cards of all the people who could possibly be responsible for crimes in Cluedo and not one of them was a Celtic fan. There was a Reverend Green, but he’ll not be a Celtic fan. Father Green, yes, probably. But not Reverend Green. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a staunch friend of the Rangers* directors. Anyway, what sort of crime-based board game doesn’t pin the blame on Celtic fans? Me and my journalist pals aren’t used to having to discount various possibilities and weigh up the evidence and probabilities before making a reasoned judgement. ‘Where there’s crime, there’s a Celtic line’ – that should be our motto! We can’t be doing with not skipping straight to deciding that a Celtic fan must have done wrong. This board game is clearly faulty and I WANT MY MONEY BACK NOW.”

Shop Assistant: [*Long astonished silence*] “Are you for real, Sir?”

Journalist: “No. I’m for the Rangers*”

Shop Assistant: “So you definitely aren’t for anything real then…”

Journalist: “Look, I’ve had enough of your rudeness. Are you going to give me my money back?”

Shop Assistant: “No.”

Journalist: “Get me the manager.”

Shop Assistant: “Very well, Sir. [*Presses button for shop speakers*] “Tills calling the manager. Tills calling the manager. Can Miss Scarlett please come to the tills to speak with a customer…?”


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…


Satire, Sevco

Cold Shoulder

Good Evening.

To the tune of the Plastic Ono Band’s ‘Cold Turkey’… 😉


The Takeover Panel
Their anger is high
King has no future
It’s pie in the sky

May go for a bevvy
Wipe this outta his head
He wants to be a ‘player’
Credibility dead

Cold shoulder has got Dave on the run

The Chairman is breaking
No simple loans
He can’t buy nobody
Leave him alone

His sh*te is blown open
His spinners all sheep
One thing we’re sure of
He’s in for a big freeze

Cold shoulder has got Dave on the run

Thirty percent
Concert party
Saying no problem
His offer’s tardy

Keeping it stone faced
Papers say ‘fine’
He’ll press release anything
Fans will give him more time

Cold shoulder has got Dave on the run


With apologies to the Plastic Ono Band, here is the brilliant and harrowing original!


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Sevco

Dave King’s Hot Shoulder

Good Evening.

Almost certainly appearing in an attempted newspaper very soon indeed…


Scottish Football Should Salute Dave King’s Scorching Shoulder.

The Rangers* Chairman’s other shoulder doesn’t get the credit it deserves says our Chief Football Bullsh*tter.

By Ana Tomy.

It came as no surprise to me to see the usual obsessed suspects crowing like blackbirds when the Takeover Panel issued its ruling about some b*llocks or other yesterday, shamefully adding Dave King’s name just to get extra publicity. [Blackbirds? What are you taking about you roaster. Or do I mean rooster? – Ed.]

Everyone likes to take a baseless pop at the legend that is Dave King, a man who has never been less than true to his word to do Dave King-like things at the club he loves in his unique Dave King like way.

However, the truth of the matter is that Dave King gets a raw deal. No one is treated more unfairly by courts, regulators, and the hating haters of the most hateful kind which pollute Scottish football than Dave King.

So let me set matters straight for the record [‘Record’ surely? – Ed]. The ‘record’ being my shot at getting the most consecutive invites to Jim Traynor’s Christmas party of any Scottish hack.

Dave King’s other shoulder – the one that really matters – is hot. And although I don’t mean sexually, I bet there are others out there who might confirm that it is.

That shoulder is so hot that the sun goes there for a winter break there with its pal Mercury and our hype about Alfredo Morelos’ scoring prowess. Year after year.

People have been suggesting that the SFA might look at Dave King’s ‘Fit and Proper’ status. Well let me put them straight. Why would the SFA turn on one of the game’s most generous benefactors? You’ve probably heard about the undersoil heating at Hampden and think it consists of the usual sort of pipes beneath the pitch that we see all over the world.

You’d be wrong. The Hampden pitch has a single flake of Dave King’s scorching shoulder skin beneath it. Skin which he donated out of the kindness of his heart for a rumoured minuscule fee of £7m.

Where others have to pay for energy and the maintenance of the subsurface pipes, Hampden basks in the warm glow of a tiny piece of Dave King’s shoulder.

We really don’t know how lucky we are.

So let’s have no more agenda-driven blogger-type talk of shoulders being below room temperature. Scottish football is truly blessed to have Dave King’s roasting shoulder in its midst, and I for one look forward to the opportunity to toast a marshmallow on it in the very near future.

Phew! What a scorcher!



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of silly satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Like Playing Against Ronnie Barker

Good Evening.

Possibly not appearing in an attempted newspaper near you any time soon…


Rangers* winger ‘plays like Ronnie Barker’ says Liverpool star Trent Alexander-Arnold

The right-back said former Man City youngster Brandon Barker is one of the toughest players he’s come up against, and compared him to his Two Ronnies namesake.

By Gerald Wylie

The rise of Trent Alexander-Arnold has been astronomical as he’s gone from the Liverpool academy to being used as a mouthpiece for Sevco fodder in the Scottish sports media, faster than you can say ‘nae luck Trent’.

The local lad from Merseyside doesn’t seem fazed by anything that comes his way. Although when we say ‘anything’ we mean in relation to football. We don’t honestly know whether he’s encountered a great white shark in his bath, or had a night out ruined by alien abduction, for example. But from a footballing perspective we are pretty confident that he doesn’t generally seem fazed.

He’s faced the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar and Leo Messi, but one of the most difficult players he’s came up against is genuinely going to leave you thinking that we are trying to insult the intelligence of our remaining reader.

Brandon Barker. No really. Brandon Barker.

The Rangerssummer signing left the English international in stitches in an U21s match between Liverpool and Barker’s former employers Manchester City in 2016.

But the stitches weren’t the result of a bruising encounter. Alexander-Arnold’s sides split from laughing in a way that reminded him of the hilarity he’d experienced watching comedy legend Ronnie Barker on a minor TV channel one evening.

City won the game 3-0 and Brandon Barker put in a fine performance, setting up laughs a plenty.

Alexander-Arnold recalled that day, admitting that the former Hibs loanee was “unbelievable – a real card”, and it turned out to be a real laughing curve for the 20-year-old.

He told website comedy-gold.sevco: “That’s probably one of the hardest and funniest games I’ve had. 

“It was one of the first times I’d played right-back. I was taking it really seriously and trying to keep my focus. But I was up against an unbelievable comedian in Brandon Barker. His football was so funny and his pace so lacking, it was like Ronnie Barker was on the pitch. He definitely seemed to have Porridge in his boots.

“If I’m honest it brings back bad memories for me. I had a terrible game because I was p*ssing myself laughing all the time. But I tried to make the best of it, and as a little tribute to Barker’s performance in the game I replaced the corner flags with four candles after the gaffer substituted me. I was dropped for the next game but it was worth it.

“I’ve been told Barker is a great prospect. Aye right. Or – as I like to say having seen him play – ‘Arkwright’.”

The winger will be hoping to stake his claim in Steven Gerrard ‘s side, especially with the news that Ryan Kent will miss some time having been attacked by the Phantom Raspberry Blower in the latest ‘hot air and bad smell’ incident to bedevil the Ibrox club.




NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of surreal fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

No Player Misunderstandings At Sevco

Good Evening.

For what it’s worth, this is the 1,000th Clumpany blog. This link will take you to number 1

The following won’t appear in any attempted newspaper near you anytime soon… 😉


The Sheyi Ojo-Ryan Kent Rangers* mystical connect that Liverpool loanee reckons can tear-up Premiership like an old fashioned telephone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show

Ojo is delighted to have his old Anfield mate alongside him at Ibrox, and hopes that their almost magical link can spur them on to top flight glory, although he still wonders where Harry and Matthew Corbett are these days.

By Scoff. Asmuchasyou-Like

Sheyi Ojo believes there’s a telepathy between him and Ryan Kent on the pitch. Or maybe some other word that the Scottish football media wants to deploy to unwitting comic effect.

And the Rangerswinger has said stuff that gives us a veneer of an excuse to assert that he KNEW (in capital letters, such was his asserted certainty) that his pal would end up back at Ibrox.

Even though others had written off a permanent move. The b*stards!

Now the Liverpool kids – who have played together in the Anfield youth team [Gasp! Shouldn’t this be front age news? – Ed] for the last five years – want to hit it off again for Steven Gerrard’s side. Preferably in his football team, but if it has to be his actual side, or his other side, or his front or back, they aren’t too choosy. They just want to hit it off. Whatever that means.

Kent finally arrived on a £7million* deal just before the transfer window closed – and no one is happier than his mate. Apart perhaps from Rangers* PR operation, which got a few squirrel-tastic headlines at an awkward moment.

Ojo is just on loan at Ibrox just like his pals the Close Brothers, but he can’t wait to team up with Kent and strike fear into Premiership defences. [Yes we did say ‘fear’. It’s our attempted newspaper and we will say what we like.]

Kent was injured yesterday in his comeback game against Livingston but Ojo hopes he’s back soon and is convinced their almost spiritual connection on the pitch can yield plenty of goals and assists. Or at least fuel the fantasies of People who will believe in any old crap.

The 22-year-old said: “Ryan was here last season, and everyone knows him. No matter how hard they may have tried to forget or have wondered whether he’s really the best Rangers* could do if they really wanted to spend even more money when they are already running up big losses.

“But I’ve seen a whiteboard showing him slotting right back into the squad. So it’s apparently great for us.

“Can we rip it up together like a phone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show like we did at Liverpool? That’s the aim.

“Harry and Matthew Corbett may sadly be long gone, but if it’s ‘glove puppet having a go at a thick book that even the lads on The World’s Strongest Man would have struggled with’ that you are looking for, I’ve played with Ryan since I was 16 so I feel pretty confident that he can deliver

“Ryan can only help our team and hopefully can help me score more for Rangers*. And if that doesn’t work out, Sweep has told me he’s prepared to squeak like a b*stard wearing a Rangers* scarf and squirrel outfit to gloss over things.

“I sort of knew the Kent move could happen. But there was stuff going on with Liverpool so I couldn’t say too much. You know, ‘stuff’. That thing which allows me to make a sound in the vague form of the English language and which allows you to appear knowledgable without any of us deploying any actual knowledge.


“It’s a real plus that he’s back here. People have been phoning me over the past few days to say that their calculator plus buttons have spontaneously pressed themselves down. It’s a sign. And not a negative one. Because that would mean the minus sign spontaneously being pressed down. And that hasn’t happened.

“Even this week in training, with him on the left and me on the right, whenever he’s on the ball I know what he’s going to do – and vice versa. I put it down to the entrails we both had read a few years ago.

“Back in 2012 we went to a fairground and the Fortune Teller said she had the entrails of dead Rangers in a box and could tell our futures from it. She said we would both be professional footballers and linked by a common bond of cliches and empty platitudes on an epic scale. She said that a mystic Traynor would show us the way when the time was right.

“So we both have a similar mindset. We want to spout upbeat cliches, get on the ball and go forward.

“That’s what the manager wants us to do, to create cliches, chances and score goals.

“Whether it’s me on the ball or Ryan, we have the same objectives to utter cliches, fill Rangers*-themed column inches and airtime, and affect the game.

“The better players you play with, the easier it should be to score or assist.

“Whenever Ryan is on the ball, I’ll adjust and make movements in behind him. Hopefully that will help us.

“Listen to what I have just said! Seriously! How uncanny was the Fortune Teller’s prediction about cliches and empty platitudes? It’s like a force on a higher Level has taken over my mind and is speaking for me!

“Wide players have to score more goals, look at Sadio Mane and Mo Salah at Liverpool. I mean look at them. Their very names have allowed me to shoehorn quality, high profile footballers into our conversation, and have also allowed you to quote me on it. Isn’t that absolutely brilliant for us? And for the cause of baseless upbeat Rangers* cliches?

“I’m still on loan from Liverpool but I hear the loans from Close Brothers are already making a very valuable contribution. So for me to get into the Rangers* team I need to be generating the sort of interest that they are. Goals and assists are one thing, but I am fully aware that APR counts for a lot at this club*.

“I need to be as direct as I can, and influence games up here. But apparently I am not allowed to wear an all black kit as apparently ‘there are already enough helpful influencers wearing that while they officiate the games’.

“So it seems you can only be direct and influence games with great players around you and Ryan coming in will only help with that. In the absence of actual great players.”

Ojo is desperate for Gers to hit top form again, especially after their Old Firm defeat prior to the international break, despite much of this sentence defying all logic after Rangers’ humiliating liquidation in 2012.

The 2-0 defeat at Ibrox didn’t exactly back up his claim in pre-season that Gerrard’s men were the best in Scotland.

But Ojo, in an excuse-offering gambit which fools no one, has revealed that he played with an injury during the derby after coming on as a sub.

He said: “There was such a negative feeling after that game. The sort of negativity that can only come from being found out as utterly shite despite the evidence-free pre-match hype.

“But having the international break was a blessing. Not least because after a pumping by Celtic anything that doesn’t involve a further pumping by Celtic is to be welcomed.

“The players had played so many games, so it was nice to refresh our minds and get back into playing our style of play. This week in training we’ve focused on that. It’s so much easier when you don’t have treble Treble winners refusing to accommodate your style.

“My first Old Firm experience wasn’t the best. I saw it on TV in 2012, Rangers were humiliated and then they died soon after.

“And then I was basically injured while I was playing for Rangers* against Celtic recently so it wasn’t a positive day at all.

“You want to play in the big games and help the team but I didn’t manage to do that. Thankfully, it has cleared up now.

“I’ll certainly be more prepared for the next game at Celtic Park. I am determined to use the phrase ‘Old Firm’ without fully showing that I know that my self respect has been sacrificed. The stakes could not be higher.

“I’ve been told that if I can deny liquidation without any obvious shame I could get a permanent job in the Scottish sports media after I retire.





NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun, and Scottish football remains gloriously bonkers…