Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Big Sevco Investment Plan

IMG_4060Good Evening.

Not likely to appear in a newspaper anytime soon.

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Dave King Expected To Reinvest Hot Air Into Rangers*

A golden future is predicted if all previous empty rhetoric is directed back into the club.

By A. Shit-Shoveler.

Dave King hopes to turn things around at Ibrox with an eye-catching plan to reinvest all the hot air spoken about building the best side in Scotland since the Glorious Takeover of March 2015.

Not only will things look different at Ibrox, but it is also understood that Rangers* expect to turn a considerable profit in almost no time at all.

A source close to the latest developments said “What do you mean you smell sh*te? You aren’t going to say that in the paper are you? Good. Anyway, yes there is a fantastic plan to win games and make Rangers* an absolute fortune.

Insisting on maintaining his anonymity, the insider continued “You know all the hot air there has been about investment, over investment, children’s inheritances and ‘doing whatever it takes’ over the past two years? Well the plan is to put it to good use with ‘Operation Scorched Earth’.

“All that hot air will be blown back on to the pitch during every game. And f*ck me is there a lot of hot air to blow. The Rangers* players will be wise to the plan and wear protective outfits. Preferably astronaut suits, but if the budget doesn’t stretch that far they might use cling film instead.

“The visiting sides won’t have a clue what to expect when they turn up because the media can be relied upon to pretend that no one is wearing heat shielding. The opposition will be burnt to a crisp before half-time and Rangers* will win the league.  Especially when the SPFL agrees to let Rangers* play their first eleven games at home and all their opponents end up being out for the rest of the season with chronic dehydration or worse. Champions League here we come!”

Turning his attention to the business benefits that Operation Scorched Earth might bring, our source explained excitedly: “Aside from the prize money for winning the league and a shot at Champions League riches, the hot air that’s been produced is so unbelievably intense that it will turn the Ibrox pitch into a desert and then inches-thick glass.

“What a business opportunity that will be! We can sell ‘Rangers* double-glazing’ to interested punters at a huge mark-up. The fact that it won’t be real double glazing is neither here nor there. After all, none of the faithful cares that it’s not the real Rangers* they are following do they?”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

The William Wallace Podcast

Wallace

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is delighted to confirm the launch of a multimedia service which will enable you to get to know the Scottish legend who was famously portrayed by Mel Gibson in the film of his autobiography.

Wallace is a name known throughout the world, but how many of us can claim to really know the victor of Stirling Bridge: what he eats for breakfast, his favourite pubs, where he goes on holiday, and whether he prefers EastEnders to Coronation Street?

Well now you have the chance to find out! For a small fee, you can gain access to The Clumpany’s new premium interactive ‘Wallacevision’ service, which will bring you:

  • Weekly podcasts in which The Clumpany and Wallace will discuss the week’s news and sport, and slag off football phone-ins.
  • Wallace’s Video Diary, in which Sir William will give subscribers an insight into his daily life working in a branch of Homebase, playing darts for his local pub, and acting as a volunteer Bingo caller at sheltered housing for elderly people.
  • Live online Q&A sessions with Wallace, where you set the agenda. Especially if the agenda is about late-13th and early-14th Century Scotland.
  • An exclusive 15-part documentary series “Wallace Visits London Again” where the great man goes to Westminster Abbey and makes a series of obscene gestures at the tomb of Edward I.
  • Access to “What’s App William?”, an innovative new app for your smartphone which allows you to recreate the experience of being hung, drawn and quartered, and which offers a unique insight into how Wallace somehow survived and lived on into the 21st Century.

This exciting new history-making, credulity-stretching, death-defying service is available to anyone in exchange for a copy of Rangers FC’s ‘end of administration’ certificate.

Don’t all rush at once…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Break Up Of The Celtic Squad 

IMG_3949

Good Evening.

The Clumpany brings you dramatic news courtesy of a completely fictitious article which won’t be appearing in a Scottish newspaper. Probably…

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Celtic Squad Facing Dramatic Transfer Swoop

Piss-take Sport understands that the successful Celtic squad looks set to be ravaged this summer by intergalactic raiders.

Having seen off interest from the English Premier League, and having indicated that they are not a selling club, the Scottish Champions are about to discover that resistance is futile as aliens from the planet Jumpshark make a dramatic move.

A source close to the Jumpsharkian high command said “Does this costume and voice modifier seem convincing? Let’s do this quickly as the PR company could only afford to hire them for half an hour. Oh is that thing recording? Sh*t! Let’s get on with it!

“Yes it’s true, the Sharkjumpians have been monitoring the progress of Celtic under Brendan Rodgers since the return of Rangers* to the top flight scared Dermot Desmond into action. 

They think that Celtic have some quality players who are certain to get bored of playing at Celtic Park. They believe they could do a job in the Sharkjumpian Super League playing against real-life Subbuteo players bred in laboratories on one of the planet’s many moons.”

The departure of most of the Celtic squad would be a massive blow to the Parkhead side as well as giving a tremendous boost to Rangers’* title hopes next season. What’s more, it is understood that the aliens are unlikely to take no for an answer should Peter Lawwell try and stand in their way.

The Sharkjumpian Super League is booming and those in charge will stop at nothing to get all the best Celtic players” said our source. “Their preferred method will be to line up a pretend friendly for Celtic against the ‘Area 51 All Stars’ in Nevada, and then kidknap them when they get off the bus.

However, in the extremely unlikely event of Celtic not falling for this cunning ruse, the Sharkjumpians will simply teleport all the players to their ship while they sleep. There really is no hiding place for them.”

The sudden intergalactic disappearance of the best Celtic players will be a huge disappointment to the Parkhead faithful, but our alien contact believes it will be good news for Rangers* fans.

“With a weakened Celtic side and Pedro Caixinha’s big plans backed by Dave King, this is sure to be the season when Rangers* return to their rightful place at the top of Scottish football. If I were a Rangers* fan and not a [*cough*] anonymous source from a distant world, I would certainly be snapping up an Ibrox season book now by calling the number at the bottom of this page.

I definitely wouldn’t wait until after the Sharkjumpians have abducted the best Celtic players. My advice is to buy early and buy often.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List

Pedro2Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that Ryan Jack isn’t the only thing about Aberdeen that Paperwork Pedro has his eye on. This article – which won’t be appearing in a newspaper anytime soon – explains all…

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Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List

By A. Futile-Hope

Pedro Caixinha has sensationally added to his earlier comments about Ryan Jack by expressing his admiration for other aspects of Aberdeen Football Club.

The Light Blues gaffer caused a stir by commenting favourably on the Dons captain in a move which clearly enraged manager Derek McInnes. And now he has fanned the flames further by announcing an entire list of Aberdeen targets as he seeks to undertake a rebuilding job over the summer.

“I admire many things about Aberdeen” said Caixinha. “I like their second place in the league and their Cup final. The Chairman knows my ambition and will give me the resources to achieve my targets. 

“We will swap the Aberdeen players for Rangers* ones in the changing rooms at Hampden later this month, and then my team will run out to play Celtic. 

“We also will invite Mr Doncaster to a very nice lunch with leek soup and ask him to delete Aberdeen from the league table and replace their name with Rangers*. Then we will be runners-up, and Aberdeen’s cycle of success will be at an end.”

Caixinha’s plan may be eye-catching, but it is only the beginning.

“I also like the Aberdeen kit. I would like to buy it and have my team play in it next season. Their UEFA Super Cup would also look nice in my office. Their cones are excellent and would be great cones with which to train. Especially with Aberdeen training bibs.

“Their bus is a bus of quality and I desire that to be the Rangers* team bus. I have also often thought about the Aberdeen corner flags and think they could be a valuable addition to our facilities.

“The white lines marking the Aberdeen pitch are a thing of beauty and I would love to have them on my pitch. But I feel they look their very best within the Pittodrie stadium, so I aim to make that Rangers* new home ground. 

And finally, I also like Mr McInnes’ beard. It is a dramatic beard. I aim to remove it from his face and glue it to my own.”

Unfortunately, however, even the ambitious Caixinha knows that there are limits to his Aberdeen ambitions.

“I also hope to acquire Mr McInnes’ smile, but no one has ever seen it.”

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Sevco: Saviours Of The British Empire

IMG_3938Good Afternoon.

This ‘column’ won’t appear in any Scottish sports pages in the near future….

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Globetrotting Rangers* Starlets Can Rebuild An Empire

Rangers’* decision to opt out of next season’s Development League could pay dividends for the Light Blues, and change the world says our columnist.

By A. Nostalgia-Fest

As with all things coming out of Scotland’s biggest club, the bold choice to withdraw from next year’s Development League has got everyone talking. Less-informed commentators have suggested that it is a sign of cost-cutting and a wish to avoid further embarrassment at the hands of domestic rivals.

But that is far from the truth. Rangers remain a massive institution with ambitions to match. By looking beyond the narrow horizons of Scotland, the brave and valiant young Gers* have an opportunity to play the best* teams in their age group. And rebuild the British Empire.

Especially rebuild the British Empire.

With no expense being spared, the Auchenhowie Auxiliaries can have a kickabout in every country to which they hitchhike before attempting to take control of local TV and radio stations and seize key infrastructure.

It is understood that the Rangers* commercial department has struck a deal whereby in return for an extra-loud round of applause at the next Armed Forces Day, the Royal Navy will loan the Auchehowie Auxilliaries a bathtub from one of their bases. The plan is to transform it into a terrifying vessel going by the name HMS Dignity and undertake amphibious landings around the world.

The Royal Air Force is also prepared to loan the heroes a sheet of A4 paper. This can be made into an aeroplane which with to undertake pre-invasion reconnaissance.

The British Army is also going to do its bit by offering the services of General Calamity. Assisted by Major Deficit, the General will offer expertise in strategic planning befitting the world’s most successful club.

Rangers’* critics can be expected to attack the initiative as a backward-looking exercise symptomatic of yearning for a bygone age and a misplaced superiority complex. Which isn’t easy for me to write without help from an adult.

However, such unreasonable assessments fail to see the bigger picture. At least a quarter of the globe needs to be turned red again, and Rangers’* young players need to have a change of scene away from the over- familiarity of the middle of the Development League table.

Onwards to victory! For Queen, Empire and the odd game of football if they can find anyone willing to play them.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Honestly NOT Going For 55


Good Evening.

The Clumpany laughed out loud when it read the following comments from Kenny ‘Three Old Firm Clubs’ Miller in the Daily Record today.

Rangers ace Kenny Miller insists club can copy Celtic blueprint to become a force again


Are we seriously expected to believe that all that ‘Going for 55’ nonsense was just a bit of self-aware banter?

That massive tifo? 

The comments from those associated with Sevco?

The acres and acres of coverage about how Rangers were ‘back’ and going for yet another title?

The pundits who told us with not a flicker of embarrassment or sarcasm that they fancied Sevco to win the league (and Joey Barton to be Player of the Year)?

That was all done for a laugh and no one really believed it?

Aye right. And my middle names are ‘Fearless Scottish Football Media’.

The Sevco we all know and love seems to be a ‘club’ based upon a very simple but epic lie: that it is Rangers, with all the baggage that brings.

The ‘history’ of sometimes questionable success.

The trophies acquired by various expedients. Some of which were on the pitch.

The massive sense of entitlement.

The colossal misplaced superiority complex.

An expectation of steamrolling everything in its path.

The spending of ‘whatever it takes’ to win, win and win again.

And all of it is supported by a press pack which is shamefully delighted to swallow the lie and pretend that the souped-up David Murray juggernaut is still alive and well and on the brink of conquering all before it, while the governing bodies pretty much acquiesce. It may all be an act – and indeed a spectacular sham – but it is completely sincere and utterly heartfelt. 

These folk all NEED to believe that Rangers are still with us and set to dominate. Because without that belief, their identity and various commercial prospects may be threatened.

The ‘Rangers* for another title’ noise at the beginning of the season was an insult to our intelligence and 276 stiffed creditors, including every single taxpayer and user of public services in the U.K.

The one thing it WASN’T was a bit of banter.

Which is why we know that despite the affected indifference of Kenny Miller and others, they are really really hurting.

Which is a shame.

As a great philosopher once said: GIRUY. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Ibrox Vegetables


Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the following article isn’t going to appear in any newspaper.

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Leeks from Rangers camp must stop, says Pedro Caixinha

By A. Market-Gardener

Rangers* manager Pedro Caixinha has vowed to crack down on leeks leaving the Ibrox dressing room.

Caixinha has been unhappy with the number of magnificent specimens disappearing after coming into contact with the first-team squad since he took charge six weeks ago.

His latest gripe came after news broke that some of his much-loved leeks had won prizes in a number of vegetable shows without his agreement that they should be entered.

Now the Portuguese boss has promised to find the person who removed the leeks, and  has warned that anyone caught eating them will incur his wrath.

He said: “We don’t comment on speculation. But I can confirm that there has been a lovely garden here since Ally McCoist stepped down as manager. I’ve spoken to three players so far and those three players know what is going to happen to them if I find out they have been using the leeks to make a tasty soup with some potatoes.

“The majority of my suspicion is directed to the inside of the club, as this is a major concern. If my leeks are being taken away by an insider I cannot say that I am happy with that situation. Especially as I was hoping to use those lovely leeks in a meal for the chairman, which I would send to South Africa in a purée like the ones eaten by astronauts. Because Mr King isn’t here very often. Which is a shame, because those leeks are so delicious. 

“We need to identify who is taking the leeks and then put them on the compost heap, where they will rot like all our unused substitutes. We are a big club with big leek-growing ambitions, and a big club cannot have this sort of behaviour.

“We dig and we hoe. And we water and nurture those precious plants. That is the way we are going to train and prepare for our games.

“No leeks, no happiness. That is a point we definitely need to understand.

“The loss of the leeks is not just destabilising for myself. It upsets the balance of the whole garden. Without the leeks there is only grass. And no one wishes to see grass. Especially while he is still injured.

“I found when I was working at Sporting Lisbon that leeks also escaped easily. Benfica rules Portuguese football nowadays. But back then it was Porto.

“I can tell you something – no leeks come out from Benfica unless they want them to be proudly displayed and then eaten in a magnificent feast. That is why they are successful.

“With Porto in those days, I used to remember they had a president who said when players were coming in or moving, ‘If a magnificent leek appeared outside the walls of the club the players were not to be trusted in vegetable matters.’

“I found that a very good principle and they were successful with their leeks. I try to follow successful leek growers, not the opposite.”

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Meanwhile, in other news:

Leaks from Rangers camp must stop, says Pedro Caixinha

#KeepOnClumping

NB Yes I know it’s not actually the season for leeks, but at least I am not taking the p*ss to the extent of pretending Sevco is the same club as Rangers…