Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Tribute To Sevco’s Three-In-A-Row

Good Evening.

Earlier today, The Clumpany had an off-the record pint with one of the MSM’s finest. I say I ‘had a pint with…’, but that’s a bit of an exaggeration.

We sat down to have a pint together, but then he spent most of the time in the toilet. It was either that or actually piss himself with excitement at Sevco winning a third league game in a row for the first time in ages.

I suspect it is – in reality – a comparatively short period of time since the Ibrox outfit won three league matches in a row. However, if I try and quantify that time period I know someone in the Sevcosphere will try and shout me down about a pretend ‘glorious LONG LONG LONG history’, or some such bullshit.

So let’s not bother on this occasion…

Despite his toilet-based absence, I did glean from my associate that he planned to spend his entire Monday paying tribute to Rangers* being back* by winning three (games)-in-a-row.

  • He will put three – yes THREE – Shredded Wheat in his bowl tomorrow morning. Yes he will put them back in the packet and have a slice of toast instead, but it’s all about the MASSIVE STATEMENT OF INTENT, isn’t it?
  • He will be playing a triangle all day, no matter what the situation.
  • He will forgo every meal and every drink and have triple whiskies in place of them. It will be Tesco whisky, but he is quite prepared to assert that it is a VERY expensive single malt.
  • He will watch DVDs of all three of Sevco’s unsuccessful Petrofac Cup campaigns. This will remind him that the establishment will stop at nothing to do the Gers* down, making his ‘crusading’ journalistic efforts vital!
  • He will ‘prove’ that all three of Celtic’s trophies last season were won by cheating.
  • He will say “State Aid” three times in an article, and hope that a vengeful European Commissioner will appear and lay waste to Celtic Park.
  • He will implore his editor to let him deposit a bodily fluid on page three, or in the third minute of any broadcast output.
  • He will enjoy a threesome (subject to the outcome and reception of all of the above).

OK, he won’t experience a threesome… 😉

Watch this space for further updates…

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Aberdeen: Know Your Place

Good Evening.

Here is some possibly satirical ‘news’ from the world of local planning.

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Aberdeen needs a strong Planning Department, says expert.

The Pittodrie side’s plans for a new stadium and associated bright future deserve a self-interested and resolute planning department. That is the opinion of top Scottish football expert and qualified planner Dr. T. Clumpany.

By A. Thumbs-Down

Aberdeen Football Club have been given some firm advice by one of the ‘top’ pundits and planners in Scotland as they try to relocate to a brand new stadium.

Dr T. Clumpany – who didn’t have any certificates of qualification to hand – says that Aberdeen have to look at the bigger picture when planning their move away from Pittodrie.

“It’s quite clear” said Dr Clumpany “You can complain about the requirements and opposition of the planning authorities as much as you like. But they are ultimately looking out for what is best for them and any other bullshit wider issues they choose to highlight.

“You can’t blame them for that. Yes it is disappointing, and we all know that Aberdeen wouldn’t conduct themselves in that sort of way. They would take a more sensible view and try to avoid unnecessary disturbance.

“We all understand that Aberdeen want to look to a bright future and to build sustainably while playing by the rules. But when push comes to shove we all ultimately want to see a strong planning department get its way.

“And if that means them trampling over the aspirations, hard work and fair play of Aberdeen Football Club, then that’s absolutely fine. Aberdeen need to know their place and bow to a higher power. In fact, they should just move on. By staying put at Pittodrie.”

Aberdeen Chairman Stewart Milne was unavailable for comment. However, we couldn’t help but notice his recent remarks to the BBC, which made many folk rub their chins thoughtfully.

“We’ve always had a very good relationship with Rangers, we’ll work hard to make sure that we come through and relations are strengthened as we move forward. We all want to see a strong Rangers, we need that for Scottish football, and the sooner they fill their vacancy and get a good manager in and strengthen the whole set up, that’s in the interests of Scottish football.”

A spokesperson for Aberdeen fans looked somewhat… err… sheepish when asked about their Chairman’s comments.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Meet The MSM’s New Sevco Correspondent…

Good Evening.

We all have our favourite Sevco-sympathising or cheerleading sports journalists.

Mine is the one who seemingly suspends their rumoured critical faculties on a daily basis to peddle vacuous nonsense that all is well at Sevco, and that the return* of the glory days is just around the corner.

What do you mean “that description doesn’t narrow it down very much?”.

Anyway… the purpose of this blog is to exclusively reveal that a new kid is on the churnalistic block. I am not allowed to divulge which mainstream media outlet our hero is joining, but I can tell you about the special qualities that got him the job, and give you his name.

This chap is prepared to put in some serious legwork to bring you the most pointless space-filling Sevco ‘stories’ you have ever seen.

He will scavenge everywhere and anywhere to find and carry back all manner of crap to try your patience.

His antennae can pick up the most guffaw-inducing Ibrox minutiae you have ever encountered.

And his ability to crawl before the occupants of the Blue Room is second to none.

Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to present to you the latest graduate from the Level5 School of Sevco PR:

Yes, it’s Concomit Ant! 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Yes that IS a terrible joke. But if you can’t embarrass yourself on your own blog, where can you?

Maybe in a statement…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Derek McInnes: A Total Loser

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has had a sneak preview of a fictitious article which won’t actually appear in a newspaper tomorrow…

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Loser McInnes Knocks Back Gers* Charity

The Aberdeen boss has let his family and himself down by refusing to accept Rangers’* generosity.

By U. Turn

Underperforming failure Derek McInnes reverted to type last night as he spurned Rangers’* charitable offer to let him be their next manager.

In a move that surprised no one – least of all this paper, which never fancied the Aberdeen manager for the biggest job in football – McInnes bottled the chance of a lifetime and opted to remain at the backwater that is Aberdeen FC.

A source close to Rangers* confirmed that McInnes had only been offered the job because Ibrox board members have a big heart and an unrelenting commitment to helping those less fortunate.

“Derek was given the opportunity because the board felt sorry for him having to turn up every day and put a shift in at lowly Aberdeen” said our insider.

“No one actually wanted him to have the job, but their good nature got the better of them and they made Derek a big money offer with the promise of a huge transfer budget to topple Celtic.

“But he didn’t fancy it. I haven’t actually seen Derek’s underwear, but I have no doubt it was soiled when he thought about the honour of managing Rangers*. He’s a loser and Rangers* have had a narrow escape. Especially as they never wanted him anyway.”

In recent weeks this paper brought you a series of exclusives about how completely unsuitable McInnes was for the Ibrox hot seat, and our top team repeatedly cautioned the Light Blues against taking on such a hopeless individual.

Our prediction that McInnes would never be the Rangers* manager came true last night when a clearly-relieved Aberdeen published a statement confirming that he would remain at Pittodrie as a key part of their pursuit of mediocrity.

Rangers* fans meanwhile have taken to social media to confirm that their board is absolutely correct in everything it does, and also to celebrate the club’s lucky escape.

One fan, @NotReallyJTraynor commented “The board has played a blinder once again. No one wanted McInnes. The millions can be spent backing a proper manager”.

Rangers* are yet to identify their preferred candidate, but our mindless headlines in support of whatever bizarre course of action they take next are already prepared.

Fuck Derek McInnes.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

And The New Sevco Manager Is…

Good Evening.

The Clumpany just spent a highly illuminating few minutes discussing the Sevco managerial situation with one of the MSM’s finest…

Prepare to be shocked as the revelations come thick and fast…

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TC: “So what’s the story with the next Sevco manager? Why is it taking such a long time to appoint someone?”

MSM: “Because it is. That’s all you need to know.”

TC: “Yeah, but they must have some names in the frame?”

MSM: “They do.”

TC: “More than one?”

MSM: “Of course. In fact they have been looking at a number of people for a while.”

TC: “Well-known people?”

MSM: “Top people.”

TC: “Top people?”

MSM: “TOP people.”

TC: “Can you elaborate?”

MSM: “I could.”

TC: “But will you?”

MSM: “No.”

TC: “Why not?”

MSM: “Because.”

TC: “But aren’t you in the business of covering Scottish football and drumming up interest in your employer’s output?”

MSM: “I am.”

TC: “So isn’t the Sevco manager’s position newsworthy?”

MSM: “It is. In fact few things are MORE newsworthy.”

TC: “So who are the runners and riders?”

MSM: “People. A number of them.”

TC: “You don’t actually have a clue do you?”

MSM: “I do.”

TC: “So tell me who they are then.”

MSM: “You wouldn’t understand.”

TC: “Try me.”

MSM: “No. I am not going to engage in tittle-tattle with you.”

TC: “Isn’t that part of your job description?”

MSM: “You will hear the news when there is news to hear.”

TC: “So there is no news at the moment? Nothing’s happening? WEEKS after Pedro left.”

MSM: “Oh it’s all happening.”

TC: “Is it?”

MSM: “Yes.”

TC: “What’s happening, exactly?”

MSM: “Stuff. Loads of it.”

TC: “But Derek McInnes IS a contender isn’t he? It’s been all over the papers. And discussed on the TV and radio until people’s eyes and ears started bleeding.”

MSM: “Well yes, he is clearly someone the board is interested in.”

TC: “Well why don’t they actually try to get him?”

MSM: “They might. There’s no rush.”

TC: “I don’t think anyone will accuse Sevco of rushing.”

MSM: “It is important to take time over this decision.”

TC: “What is there to decide? McInnes has done well at Aberdeen. He’s a Rangers* man, and a known-quantity who is likely to be a safe pair of hands.”

MSM: “Errr well.”

TC: “Is it money? Can’t Sevco even afford McInnes?”

MSM: “Errr.”

TC: “It is, isn’t it? They can’t afford him.”

MSM: “Errr…”

TC: “They can’t afford him despite the over-investment, war chest and children’s inheritance all being at the board’s disposal?”

MSM: “Errr…”

TC: “That would be quite a story wouldn’t it?”

MSM: “Errr…”

TC: “I’m surprised it’s not a big splash in the newspapers. Levelling with the fans that Sevco are maybe just a bit too skint to get the obvious choice in as manager.”

MSM: “Errr…”

TC: “It makes you wonder who they will end up with. If anyone. Ever.”

MSM: “Look. It’s all in hand and the board is just taking its time to make the right appointment. You’ll be able to read all about how exciting the appointment is when it happens.”

TC: “But what if it ISN’T exciting?”

MSM: “It will be.”

TC: “And what if it turns out to be a bargain-basement appointment that stinks so badly of financial trouble that Sevco has to appoint an air freshener as the Number Two?”

MSM: “It won’t be.”

TC: “How do you know that?”

MSM: “Because I am a serious sports journalist, and you aren’t.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Derek Johnstone: ‘Caveman’

Good Evening.

First of all, please ignore my previous blog. That was nothing to do with me.

Secondly, let’s get down to business. Apparently legendary football analyst Derek Johnstone – the man who possibly thinks ‘forensic’ is a vomiting illness – has been on a hypothetical cave-exploring holiday. 😉

And what amazing luck that he should find evidence in support of his completely unprecedented board-backing view that it is absolutely right that Sevco should take a long time – a LOOOONG time – in appointing the [*cough cough*] right manager for the biggest job in all of Big Jobbydom.

Sources close to Fantasy Island have told The Clumpany “DJ couldn’t believe it. He was down in the ancient caves boring his guide to death about how the Sevco board is absolutely right in everything it does. He must have said ‘a club like Rangers*’, ‘Dave King’ and ‘back where we… err… THEY belong’ a hundred times each.

“Then he started talking about the managerial vacancy at Sevco, and about how the board didn’t want to rush into making a costly appointment.

“DJ stressed that ‘costly’ meant Rangers* potentially losing matches under the wrong man rather than Dave King having to find actual money to get someone in. Because Dave has lots of money, and anyone who suggests otherwise is clearly not a genuine Rangers* fan.

“And just as the tour guide was about to turn them around to go back to what he apparently described as ‘somewhere out of earshot of this high-pitched buffoon’, DJ swore blind that he could see a very old cave painting.

“This came as a surprise to the tour guide as he’d never seen any paintings in this part of the caves during a 30-year career. However, DJ was adamant that he could definitely see a picture of men throwing spears at bison and underneath someone had clearly written ‘Rangers shouldn’t target a manager as frantically as these People are chasing bison. The board should take its time’.

“The guide challenged DJ to point out exactly where this painting and writing was and said DJ could actually touch the walls if needed, even though that isn’t usually allowed. He also explained to DJ that cavemen couldn’t write the English language or indeed any words, so he was probably just seeing things.

“But DJ wasn’t having any of it. He said that Rangers* was an historic club and its reputation was clearly timeless. Even the cavemen knew it was important for a club like Rangers* to take all the time in the world to make the correct managerial appointment.”

When informed of DJ’s ‘discovery’, a SSB spokesperson refused to confirm that a caveman tale of a bygone age had no place on a flagship football phone-in.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire

The Truth About ‘Anonymous’ Twitter Accounts

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to gather the world’s musicians and singers en masse to belt out a monumental ‘fair play’ to the BBC’s Mark Daly for making a point that we all apparently needed inflicting upon us.

Clearly the anonymous nature of the avatar is of huge significance in these matters. If anyone has the temerity to preface their argument in such a fashion they – and their point – should Shirley be approached with caution. [*Shirley has not formally endorsed this piece]

Let’s face it, you can’t be too careful. After all, the Barca-flavoured entity asking the question of Mr Daly might only have been a possessed Skeletor toy from the 1980s, which – having failed to conquer a plastic Castle Grayskull – has belatedly decided to take a ‘stand’ over something else.

Then again, it could simply be that a particularly vexatious cup of tea has called itself ‘Barca’ and has decided to ask an awkward question of the BBC’s finest. And when faced with that sort of questioning, who wouldn’t be wary of any points made by such a steaming cup?

Of course, there is also the ‘obvious’ possibility that a random pot plant has suddenly decided to

  • wield hitherto-unsuspected abilities
  • knock its owner unconscious
  • grab its phone
  • somehow find an accessible Twitter account on said phone

….and then outrageously elected to challenge a genuinely-respected investigative reporter for a time-wasting laugh.

You really cannot be too careful.

So fair play to Mark Daly for making his first comment in response to Barcabhoy about the anonymity of the questioner.

Signed,

T. Clumpany LOL GIRUY BBC 😉

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun