The Clumpany has been handed a transcript of yesterday’s Gerrard Mania-Fest at Ibrox.
I thought you might like to see it.
The Reverend Dave King was presiding.
It is understood that the Groom wore a smart suit and the Bride left everything to the imagination, given the stories of her death in 2012.
The Reverend Dave King: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Steven George Gerrard and Rangers* Football Club* in holy management. This is a precarious state in which to be, and is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – save on the basis of promises made by its Glorious South Africa-based Chairman.
“Into this estate, these two legends – one human, and the other a figment of the imagination of 500 million People – come now to be joined.
“If anyone can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together (excluding the provisions of insolvency legislation or the requirements of the Takeover Code) let them speak now or forever hold their peace. At least until such time as the Gers* have a couple of bad results, when all bets and dignified conduct will be off.”
THE GIVING AWAY OF THE CLUB*
The Reverend Dave King: “Who gives this club* to be managed by this man?
The Reverend Dave King: “Ha ha. Silly me. Of course, it is me doing the giving away!”
MAKING THE VOWS
The Reverend Dave King: (addressing the groom who repeats the marriage vows):
Steven Gerrard: “I Steven George Gerrard take you Rangers* Football Club* be my lawfully-managed club (this is all OK isn’t it? There aren’t any regulatory authorities poised to bring it all crashing down are there?). Before these drooling press pack witnesses, I vow to train you and to pick up three points every week for as long as I remain unresigned. From this day forward. OK I actually mean from 1 June. But you get the idea.”
The Reverend Dave King:(addressing the bride):
Rangers* Football Club: [*silence*]
The Reverend Dave King:“Ah yes, of course. You may be 146 years old but you have no corporeal form or legal personality. Let’s just say ‘blah blah blah, and welcome to Rangers* Stevie!’ Let’s have a BIG hand (no, not yours Mr Green) for the happy couple and – most importantly – my genius in bringing Stevie here”.
Following the applause, the Congregation of The People performed the traditional Ibrox hymn ‘The Billy Boys’.
The happy couple then retired to enjoy a wedding breakfast of old-style succulent lamb, washed down with a bucket of pish.
The honeymoon is expected to last until August.
I am sure we all wish the newlyweds well.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of lame-arsed satirical fun.