Gerrard, Media, Satire, Sevco

Here Comes The Bride!

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has been handed a transcript of yesterday’s Gerrard Mania-Fest at Ibrox.

I thought you might like to see it.

The Reverend Dave King was presiding.

It is understood that the Groom wore a smart suit and the Bride left everything to the imagination, given the stories of her death in 2012.

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The Reverend Dave King: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Steven George Gerrard and Rangers* Football Club* in holy management. This is a precarious state in which to be, and is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – save on the basis of promises made by its Glorious South Africa-based Chairman.

“Into this estate, these two legends – one human, and the other a figment of the imagination of 500 million People – come now to be joined.

“If anyone can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together (excluding the provisions of insolvency legislation or the requirements of the Takeover Code) let them speak now or forever hold their peace. At least until such time as the Gers* have a couple of bad results, when all bets and dignified conduct will be off.”

THE GIVING AWAY OF THE CLUB*

The Reverend Dave King:Who gives this club* to be managed by this man?

The Reverend Dave King: “Ha ha. Silly me. Of course, it is me doing the giving away!”

MAKING THE VOWS

The Reverend Dave King: (addressing the groom who repeats the marriage vows):

Steven Gerrard: “I Steven George Gerrard take you Rangers* Football Club* be my lawfully-managed club (this is all OK isn’t it? There aren’t any regulatory authorities poised to bring it all crashing down are there?). Before these drooling press pack witnesses, I vow to train you and to pick up three points every week for as long as I remain unresigned. From this day forward. OK I actually mean from 1 June. But you get the idea.”

The Reverend Dave King:(addressing the bride):

Rangers* Football Club: [*silence*]

The Reverend Dave King:“Ah yes, of course. You may be 146 years old but you have no corporeal form or legal personality. Let’s just say ‘blah blah blah, and welcome to Rangers* Stevie!’ Let’s have a BIG hand (no, not yours Mr Green) for the happy couple and – most importantly – my genius in bringing Stevie here”.

Following the applause, the Congregation of The People performed the traditional Ibrox hymn ‘The Billy Boys’.

The happy couple then retired to enjoy a wedding breakfast of old-style succulent lamb, washed down with a bucket of pish.

The honeymoon is expected to last until August.

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I am sure we all wish the newlyweds well.

Meanwhile…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of lame-arsed satirical fun.

Media, Satire, Sevco

Paul Murray Deserved Better

Good Evening.

Not appearing in any Scottish newspaper any time soon…

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St Paul Of Murray: The Blue Room Martyr

Former Rangers and Rangers* Director Paul Murray was given a truly shameful send-off by the club* he had served with such blazer-wearing distinction.

By A. Laughable-Perspective

Paul Murray was disgustingly shat on from a great height by a club* that disgracefully failed to acknowledge the alleged pal of a mainstream journalist. An alleged pal who has been at the heart of many back-page squirrels over recent years.

A man of St Paul’s stature deserves fulsome praise when tendering his resignation.

What he does NOT deserve is a meagre 121-word announcement.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it had been 150 words, or 130, or even 122! But how in the name of f*ck can anyone post a statement saying farewell to a legend of Rangers*-related media contacts with a 121 word statement?

Seriously!

And let’s be honest, we are being generous here. That contemptible 121-word effort was actually shared with that bloke off the Cillit Bang advert even though none of us previously knew that he was even on the Rangers* board!

How can a self-professed professional and dignified institution like Rangers* FC expect St Paul Of The Blessed 121 Words to share a tribute with Barry Scott?

Does Paul Murray look like the sort of man who is worthy of 60.5 words?

Or course he doesn’t. He is an absolute hero. A man whose was part of two Rangers-flavoured boards that have overseen the ‘same club’ experiencing calamity and trashing the football rulebook while ultimately stiffing the taxpayer and other creditors.

Paul Murray is an exceptional ‘football man’ who deserves more than a 121-word statement shared with an adverting construct.

Indeed, our wonderful Saint is worth lots of words! All of them fawning and written by your humble correspondent without any specific questions seemingly being asked about what may have prompted him to resign from Clubtiedom and walk out of Blazerville.

The Declaration of Arbroath must have its head in its hands at this gross affront to Scotland’s greatest son. This paper wishes it a speedy recovery.

Let the number 121 forever rot in infamy. For it is the number of the beast who failed to pay exaggerated tribute to the greatest of all really-real Real Rangers* Men.

May we all follow-follow the example of St Paul Of The Blessed 121 Words.

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Meanwhile… 😉

Paul Murray rescued Rangers … it should be to Dave King’s eternal shame he has forgotten that

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folk’s, it’s just a bit of exaggerated satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Money And Sporting Advantage

Good Evening.

The Clumpany’s ethereal eye was caught by this piece in the Daily Record (yes, it still exists…).

How I laughed at the idea that having more money available to spend on players might confer a sporting advantage!

What a ridiculous suggestion!

I assumed that the Record’s finest subsequently took Mr Windass outside and gave him a stern talking-to for making such an outrageous claim.

After all, we have been left in no doubt in recent years that having more money to spend on players does not result in greater success in Scottish football.

The very idea is clearly absurd.

However, as a humanitarian-minded ethereal entity I couldn’t help but be concerned for Windass after his unfortunate and humiliating mistake. After all, it can’t be nice to be in a position where your basic beliefs about how sport operates in Scotland are utterly toxic to those around you. Especially if the mass media is likely to be on your back.

So I gave Windass a call to see how he was.

To my astonishment he was absolutely fine!

He said that the Sevco PR operation had told him that the Record knew exactly where he was coming from, and that his comments had been great!

Confused, I asked Mr Windass what he meant by this.

He explained that the PR operation had instructed him that he had correctly referred to Celtic shamefully having more money to spend than the Ibrox outfit. As such, he had created an opportunity to put the ‘obsessed’ in their place and confirm the magnitude of Rangers’* historic achievements.

Windass told me that “the helpful PR person” had then reassured him that despite what almost everyone believed, and despite what the taxman may assert, the ‘same club’ ‘Rangers’ had actually always paid its players in chocolate coins. Chocolate coins which were also available to all other clubs in various pound shops across Scotland. Especially at Christmas, but also (preferably) in the New Year when they were often priced at two or three packs for a pound.

The truth of the matter, Windass was ‘told’, was that ‘Rangers’ NEVER had more actual money to spend than their rivals. Their alleged wealth back in the day was all based on chocolate coins.

As such, the Sevco PR operation was happy to endorse Windass’s views in the Record this week. Indeed, they felt that they were helpful in managing the expectations of fans who need to know that Celtic are brazenly spending their own money on players without so much as a by your leave.

So there you have it. Rangers gained no sporting advantage from having more money to spend on players than their competitors.

They only had chocolate.

And Celtic are ruining Scottish football by having their own hard-earned money to spend on better players as they see fit.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a big ‘WTF?’ at apparent inconsistencies in the ongoing Sevco reportage…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Proper Cheating

Good Afternoon.

Not appearing in a newspaper any time soon…

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Proper Cheating Spoils Cricket

Australian ball-tampering appears to be an outrageous case of real cheating, and as such merits the most severe sanctions.

By A. Sporting-Advantage

World cricket has been plunged into crisis following TV evidence and player confessions of ball tampering by the Australians during their series against South Africa.

This paper doesn’t usually cover cricket, but we feel it is important to be outraged about this blatant authentic cheating, and thereby help to draw a line between it and past efforts to have a bit of banter through the use of EBTs and side letters in Scottish football.

Real ‘cheaty’ cheating is proper cheating. It defrauds the paying customer and destroys the integrity of the sport, rendering all competitions a complete joke.

On the other hand, light-hearted administrative and tax-related banter is just one of those things. Everyone has a bit of a laugh and it doesn’t affect the outcome on the pitch. And if the authorities knew about it at the time and did nothing, well that just adds to the thigh-slapping humour!

We know that our readers agree and love nothing more than reading or hearing the thoughts of those who participated in the cheeky EBT years. Especially when they know that they are being paid money that will help them to meet their chucklesome tax liabilities!

However, it is vital for the very idea of sporting competition that these Australian cricketers have the book thrown at them. In fact they should be buried under a library.

Bans, fines and the stripping of anything won while cheating should be their fate. Only harsh sanctions will teach them a lesson and help all right-thinking people to differentiate between trashing a sport, and engaging in a bit of fun banter with the rulebook and tax code.

Rest assured, this paper will be monitoring developments and pressing for the most severe penalties to be imposed on the dirty, cheating Australian cricketers.

[BTW if any ball tamperers fancy writing a column for us, or appearing as a pundit on the TV or radio, please get in touch. We can guarantee you an easy ride.]

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, the governance of Scottish football remains a massive piss-take…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Barry Ferguson Got Lucky

Good Afternoon.

Not appearing in a mainstream publication anytime soon…

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“Barry Ferguson Got Lucky” says the rest of humanity

Everyone reckons that without a massive slice of luck, Barry Ferguson wouldn’t be darkening our door with the sort of opinions that are usually worthy of a very late-night conversation in the pub.

By W.T.F. He-Saying

Sometimes you have to marvel at how far you can get in life on the back of being able to pass a ball sideways and by having friends in the media who are still in love with a period of Scottish football which is synonymous with industrial-scale cheating, and which ultimately left tax-funded public services out of pocket.

You have to say that Barry Ferguson is probably The Man when it comes to luck, luck, lucky, luck-type stuff!

  • He gets paid to talk about playing in a European final despite being part of a side whose tactics and entertainment value could get football stopped if they were repeated too often. How lucky is that?
  • He gets a platform to bleat about his side effectively being cheated out of a chance of European glory because the domestic authorities wouldn’t extend the season. Despite the fact that they did actually extend the season. How lucky is that?
  • He gets airtime and column inches to talk about international football despite literally giving international football two fingers during his playing days. How lucky is that?

Listen, I am not trying to begrudge Barry anything. OK, maybe I am… So here are some more points…

  • He gets to talk about managers and their shortcomings when, well, let me just say “Clyde FC languishing in League Two”. How lucky is that?
  • He is invited to give his opinion about what might be good for Scottish football despite having an EBT so large it could be mistaken for an airship. How lucky is that?
  • He enjoys the admiration of Kenny Macintrye. How lucky is that? Actually, that’s not really very lucky at all. But he presumably gets paid to appear on Sportsound. So how lucky is THAT?!

Don’t include me in any rush to say “Barry’s played a blinder. He had a successful playing career and is now deservedly offering his insights to an interested public”.

I’m sorry, but I am not having that. He’s enjoying the sort of luck that will probably give him a gullible Daily Record audience which will lap up any old clueless sh*te about how Sevco are ‘closing the gap and didn’t deserve to lose to ten-man Celtic last weekend.

What’s that you say?

Celtic boss Brendan Rodgers is no managerial mastermind and got lucky against Rangers – Barry Ferguson

Wow! Barry Ferguson, you are probably the luckiest man alive!

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

What’s The MSM Daein Tom?

Good Evening

And still it keeps on coming.

No matter how many hard facts stare them in the face.

No matter that they unreservedly reported on a death at Ibrox in 2012.

No matter that every single aspect of Sevco’s DNA points to a new club trying to find its way amid ever-increasing debts.

No matter that the RIFC Chairman is a convicted criminal who hasn’t yet delivered the over-investment promised in 2015.

No matter that the Takeover Panel has taken unprecedented action to enforce a ruling under section 955 of the Companies Act 2006 which compels the said Chairman to put down a large amount of money (that could have otherwise been used for over-investment) to potentially buy out small-scale investors that the law is designed to protect.

No matter that upbeat propaganda doesn’t result in sporting ability.

No matter that Jim Traynor could yet turn out to be the rights holder of the ever-expanding Emperor’s New Clothes Franchise.

Despite all of this, the MSM still managed to behave as though the Rangers of Great Borrower David Murray was still with us and was about to take a big step towards toppling the heirs of Fergus McCann this past weekend.

And yet the latest Ibrox-based club still managed to come unstuck 3-2 to the 10-man Celtic! With great goals scored by quality players payed for by properly-taxed revenues.

Will the MSM ever learn?

No.

Because they don’t want to.

In the face of overwhelming and doubtless dispiriting evidence, their long-running David Murray-based wet dream still keeps their output well-lubricated.

And so I simply say this to them: GIRUY you narrow-minded betrayers of the profession and sport you purport to love.

GIRUY, you liquidation-denying apologists for cheating and the stiffing of the public purse.

Your hopes for cheap ‘title-race’ headlines went up in smoke. Like the corpse of the late Rangers Football Club did back in the day.

I can only hope that you savoured the moment as much as the rest of us did.

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Slagging Off The SFA

Good Evening.

Possibly not appearing in a newspaper near you tomorrow

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Editorial: The Future of the SFA

This paper makes the big call that everyone has been waiting for.

By Ed. Band-Wagon

The Afternoon Guffaw has never shied away from confronting the biggest issues in Scottish football.

From the aeroplane legroom enjoyed by senior administrators, to the quality of biscuits in the press box, we have always lived up to the expectations of our loyal-yet-demanding readers and spoken truth to power. Or at least spoken to power. OK, we have doffed a cap to them, and given them our coats on a cold day.

From the warm applause we offered to the authorities for helping Rangers* to emerge from liquidation in 2012, to the palm leaves we scattered before Dave King in 2015, whenever there has been a boat to be rocked we have come over all seasick and gone for a lie-down.

So it will come as no surprise to you to read that we have decided to take a bold stance on the current circumstances surrounding the SFA. With no chief executive or Scotland manager in place, with problems in securing sponsors, and with a huge decision to make about the future of Hampden Park, this is a time for us to nail our colours to the mast.

Let there be no doubt, this paper has taken a long hard look at everything that has happened in Scottish football in recent years, and assessed the contribution of the governing body to it.

Having done this, we have absolutely no qualms in expressing our unshakable conviction that the SFA might not be quite as good as it should be.

While we wouldn’t wish to see the organisation abolished, or completely restructured, or substantively altered, or changed all that much, we do think that the Hampden power-brokers need to ask themselves some searching questions, and should commission a review of the standard of toilet roll on offer at the SFA’s HQ.

This is no half-hearted call on the part of this newspaper. We want the review to be comprehensive and encompass the toilet roll in both the gents’ and the ladies’.

However, we are also clear that the review needs to be constructive. There is nothing to be gained from pandering to the foaming-at-the-mouth elements on social media who would only pollute a debate about toilet roll by suggesting that they wouldn’t wipe their anonymous arses with our rag of a newspaper.

So we therefore invite – and indeed trust – the SFA to do the right thing in-house.

Our readers can rest assured that this paper will be unrelenting in its determination to hold the SFA to account. We will be like a dog with a bone. Especially if your image of a dog with a bone is a playful Andrex puppy looking for approval and cuddles.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…