Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Brendan Rodgers: Scotland Manager

Good Evening.

Have you ever wondered what the next step up from ‘clickbait’ might be when it comes to the output of the Scottish sports media?

I have. And today I think I may have found an answer.

The answer appears to be “unadulteratedly embarrassing shite”. 😉

And here it is…

SFA should ask Celtic boss Brendan Rodgers if he wants the Scotland job

In which Scott McDermott throws out a few names for the extremely uncoveted role of international stunt man prepared to take a fall for the SFA one day. A post which is also known as “The Scotland Football Manager”.

Mr McDermott’s list – if you can attribute such systematic thinking to the piece – includes a variety of familiar, exotic, edgy and clearly unattainable names.

The latter category includes someone who ends up being the heart of the attempted article: a certain undefeated treble-winning, twice-Champions League-qualifying Celtic manager who also has credentials from English Premier League clubs.

Yes, that’s right. The piece says some random stuff about how it wouldn’t hurt the SFA to try asking Brendan Rodgers about doing the Scotland job alongside the Celtic responsibilities to which he appears deeply committed, and to which he seems to recommit on an almost hourly basis!

Hmmm….

Well, Mr McDermott, let us note the following:

  • Brendan Rodgers’ employers have multiple reasons (both contractual and in terms of a shameful lack of even-handed governance) to tell the SFA to fuck off as far as possible and then a bit further; and
  • Brendan himself has some modicum of ambition beyond being the next blazer-wearing scapegoat for years of failure by the SFA’s international side…

And let us therefore conclude that you really would be just as well printing a picture of Mr Spoon – noted traveller to Button Moon – in your paper and explaining why there is no harm in asking him to do the job instead. After all, he might accept, and he might be brilliant at it.

What’s the harm in asking, eh?

Alternatively, perhaps we could ask a VHS cassette of the film ‘Braveheart’ to be the next Scotland manager? Sure, it might be a bit old-school and rough around the edges, but you couldn’t fault the passion that it would put on display. Assuming you could find a VHS player…

There’s no harm in asking the VHS cassette there?

Then again, maybe the Dark Lord Sauron could be approached? Yes he is a fictional character, and yes he did once come a cropper merely by virtue of a ring being cut off his finger. But he’s a ‘name’ isn’t he? Look at the alternatives! Gollum? Frodo Baggins? Elves? Surely Sauron is the man to ask about being the next Scotland manager?

What’s the worst he could do? Try and lay waste to a fictitious land like others have tried to trash a sport through imperfectly registered players?

I am sure you will agree that there is no harm in asking Sauron whether he fancies the job…

Of course, the other option available to the Sunday Mail in its search for a column inch-filling ‘solution’ to Scotland’s managerial vacancy might be to simply print a picture of a pile of manure (the bigger and more steaming the better) and ask its readers “do you smell shite?”.

Some sort of meaningful insight is bound to result from the debate on such an appropriately-framed question.

Isn’t it?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Freezing Out Pedro Caixinha

Good Evening.

Not appearing in a newspaper near you anytime soon…

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“F*ck, it’s going to be cold!”, says Pedro

The Gers* boss admits he is wary of the unanticipated change in climate which will hit Scottish football in the coming months.

By B.R.R.R.R.R. Freezing

Ibrox laugh-generator Pedro Caixinha has advised his players to take precautions against polar bears and marauding penguins to ensure they don’t suffer a winter of animal-based embarrassment.

The Portuguese boss admits he has been alarmed about the climate change that will uniquely strike Scottish football in the coming months, and believes that hardy creatures from the Arctic and Antarctic could disrupt his plans.

Temperatures have already started to drop and the gaffer has ordered Foxes Glacier Mints and Penguin chocolate biscuits to help his men fend off winter calamity.

To Caixinha’s astonishment, it turns out that winter can be cold in Scotland and he fears that large white ursine perils could beat his stars to the World Class breakfast at No-Longer Murray Park, while stray Antarctic birds could make them trip in the penalty box BEFORE they have got close enough to an opposition player to fool the referee into giving them a penalty.

Caixinha said: “I like wildlife documentaries, and I have heard that it can be cold in Scotland during the winter months. I naturally fear what damage polar bears and penguins might do to my plans, particularly if my dogs happen to be too cold to bark at my ice-covered caravan.

“The players can take precautions, and I encourage them to do that by having Foxes Glacier Mints with them at all times.

“The wrapper will remind them what a polar bear looks like. They can look at it and check if the large white bear in the canteen is indeed a polar bear. If it is, they will hopefully be fit enough to run away and eat the mints for breakfast instead.”

Pedro continued, “As for the Penguin biscuits they now carry… If they think they may be prevented from diving for a penalty by a flightless bird, they can look at the wrapper and check whether it is a penguin. If it is a penguin they must avoid it and then dive. They must not trip.

“However, if it is not a penguin and is – for example – an emu, they must dive immediately and our legal team will ensure we win the match on the basis of the opposition fielding an unseasonal flightless bird.

“It is part of the players’ lives to accept that there is winter and there is football. I do not underestimate the challenge to my players in embracing this difficult truth.

“I need to incentivise them to deal with the polar bears and the penguins. If we have the need to help some guys we might invite these cold-weather creatures on the team bus to help improve familiarity. If nothing else, they will certainly get a seat before Kenny Miller.

“But if we have data that tells us it would be better for the boys to have a break from looking out for polar bears and penguins, we will give them that break.

“I have spoken to the club doctor about the need for iceberg supplements and I think it could be made part of what they require to prepare.

“Because when all else fails, we can fall back on an iceberg/ ‘Titanic’ analogy. It is important to have it prepared. Because although we know that we will be cold, we also know that we are likely to sink.”

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And if you think the above is silly, take a look at this…

Rangers* boss Pedro Caixinha guarding against Ibrox winter of discontent as he dishes out vitamin D supplements to stars

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Acting On Offensive Banners

Good Evening.

The Clumpany got into a great big row with its ethereal neighbours yesterday.

I was in a slightly bolshy mood and put a banner on the front of Clumpany Towers which simply said “down with this sort of thing”.

I then thought nothing of it until there was a loud knock on the door. The knock surprised me as the Clumpany Drawbridge was up at the time and it usually takes someone with arms like Mr Tickle to knock in those circumstances.

But where there’s a will there’s a way, and it turned out the neighbour had erected a platform with very shaky foundations, and used it as an impromptu bridge to cross the Clumpany Moat.

Ingenious, eh?

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my neighbour was in a bit of a state over the banner and demanded to know why I was creating a disturbance when apparently there are “bigger battles to fight”.

I explained that I was peacefully expressing my annoyance over an issue in a non-threatening way. When challenged about what I was “stupidly kicking up a fuss over” I said “oh you know, little things like equal treatment by the law for everyone”.

The neighbour stormed off in a high state of dudgeon, suggesting that I was deluded.

Two minutes later, another neighbour knocked on the door. It was clear that they had been speaking to the first neighbour. It seems that word soon gets round in these days of social media! The second neighbour demanded to know why I couldn’t just accept that I didn’t know best, and that my opinion was both unhelpful and unwelcome.

I replied that it was a free country, and that I simply fancied making a very general point that others were perfectly entitled to ignore. I also said that I was happy to discuss the issues further if helpful.

Neighbour number two said that there was absolutely nothing to discuss, and explained that I should reflect on how I was “undermining things” and thereby “helping others”. Sadly they did not specify quite what these ‘things’, and who these ‘others’ were as they stomped off into the distance.

This continued for hours on end, with neighbours coming to the door in ever-increasing numbers and demanding that I stop embarrassing myself and talking things down.

Each time someone complained I asked what their actual substantive point was, and whether they shared my concern over equality of treatment by the law. And each time I was met with incredulity at not accepting the status quo, interspersed with vague hostile accusations that I might be ‘doing their work’.

Some even laughed at me when I asked “isn’t it a sign of a healthy society that I can put up a banner which makes a pretty modest protest in a non-offensive way?”.

Overall, The Clumpany found the experience utterly bizarre, not least because it continued into a second day!

To be honest, I think the objections of my neighbours may turn out to be counterproductive because I am now tempted to take my banner off the wall and on the road.

In fact, I may take it to a football match in Scotland.

What’s the worst that could happen? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of satire about the way social media works….

NB2 I said remember folks, it’s a bit of satire about the way social media works….

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Dave King’s Devastating Millions

Good Evening.

Disturbing rumours reach Clumpany Towers that Dave King might not have ready access to a whopping great pile of cash. The sort of whopping great pile of cash that could easily be mistaken for a “children’s inheritance” or a bright new future for the samest ‘same club’ in all of Scottish ‘Sameclubdom’.

If confirmed, the absence of such a whopping great pile of cash would be a huge shock, not only for The Clumpany and Sevco fans, but also for any consequently-feeling-light-blue legions in the Scottish sports media who trumpeted Dave King’s Takeover of ‘Rangers’ (in entirely coincidental association with a triumvirate of passing ursine folk) in 2015.

The Clumpany is sure that Dave King definitely has a whopping great pile of cash to spend on Ibrox-based football. Indeed it is a whopping great pile of cash underpinned by staunch Rangers Manliness:

Dear SFA: Please ‘Release the (Dave King) Pounds’…

Lifestyles of the Glib and Shameless

The Clumpany simply cannot come to terms with any scenario in which Dave King might not have readily-available cash to take ‘Rangers’ to glory.

The Clumpany therefore stands with the Scottish sports media in having complete confidence in the ready-to-deploy-in-over-investment nature of Dave King’s whopping great pile of cash. What’s more, The Clumpany is prepared to bow before the ‘coming’ nature of ‘Rangers’ and its triumph-certain follow-followers.

The Clumpany’s only regret at this exciting time is that it cannot see its ethereal self in a mirror to administer the stern-talking to it clearly needs about quite how badly Dave King’s millions are about to grind the rest of Scottish football into dust.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Big News From A Proper Newspaper

Good Evening.

Big imaginary tidings have been brought to The Clumpany’s attention…

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Exclusive: Stuff On The Internet Is Now Our Story

Astonished onlookers have marvelled at alleged MSM attempts to use stuff they saw on the internet ages ago, and pass it off as ‘exclusive’ stories.

By A. Complete-Chancer

Scotland’s mainstream sports media was today rocked by the shock news that quite a few of its articles might be very similar to stuff we once read on the internet.

The astonishing revelation came when someone who gets their news from online sources was bought a newspaper as a novelty ‘retroBirthday present.

The unlucky recipient explained that “My mates are always up for a laugh, and they know I love football, so they bought me one of those ‘newspaper’ things for a joke. They never expected me to read it, but I did!”

The person involved – who asked to remain anonymous in case the newspaper tried to get them to buy a copy every day – was shocked by what they found.

It was often just stuff I’d read online ages ago”, they explained.

“The thrust of the main story was so familiar! And the rest of it was just quotes or spin from football clubs and variations on tweets and blogs that I’d already read.

“I must admit that I got a bit obsessed with the experience and wondered whether these ‘newspapers’ even knew that they were in competition with the internet.

“It turned out that they did, and they even tried to do their own website! Sadly however, it was just the same sort of thing as the print edition, supplemented by trivial ‘stories’ which were occasionally about ‘what fans said on Twitter!’

“Sometimes the online ‘story’ would even be ‘footballer says something on Twitter’, but that’s not exactly news is it?

“Is it?”

Asked about these findings, Scottish football punditry expert Dr T. Clumpany explained “yes it largely seems to be vacuous shite. And quite often it is spun so dramatically that you could add some Persil and water and get your clothes clean before you can say ‘are you happy with that Jim?’”

In response to our questions, a spokesperson for the Scottish sports media arrogantly said “we know best”.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Carlos Peña: Total Genius

Good Evening.

Long-suffering readers will be aware that The Clumpany is always delighted to encounter earnest upwardly-mobile Scottish football pundits.

No pearl of wisdom which they impart is EVER less than metaphor-mixing music to my ears. And so it was today that they managed to put me straight on a number of highly important matters when I least expected it…

There I was savouring a particularly enjoyable cup of early-morning coffee when one of them popped up to tell me that Carlos Peña had played an important – if imperceptible – role in its preparation.

Refreshed, I then took a stroll around the extensive parklands surrounding Clumpany Towers. Whereupon a pundit popped up to tell me that their beauty was down to Carlos Peña’s ability with a hedge trimmer, a lawnmower and a well-deployed pile of manure.

After my morning constitutional, I read the Sunday Mail and unsurprisingly got a bit of a headache. So I took some paracetamol. And just as I swallowed them, another of the wannabe pundits popped up and said “you see that medical science? That’s Carlos Peña, that is. An unsung pharmaceutical genius!”.

Later, I popped out for a pint. There was a new guest beer on at my local so I gave it a try. I must admit that it was quite nice. And just as I was about to order another pint, one of those pundits popped up again and informed me that Carlos Peña was behind the micro-brewery that produced it! Who knew?!

After visiting the pub toilets – where a pundit informed me that Carlos Peña had performed miracles with the plumbing following the shower of shite left by the Scottish sports desks on a previous visit – I went back to Clumpany Towers and enjoyed a bacon sandwich.

To my astonishment it turned out that the tasty snack was completely made from ingredients sourced from Carlos Peña’s hitherto-unknown farm. Those pundits really are a fountain of knowledge!

I then watched some sport in The Clumpany Towers multimedia complex. Flicking through the channels, I was astonished to be informed by pundits (who somehow arrived in contravention of Clumpany security protocols) that Carlos Peña was having a great game in the netball, football, golf, tennis and NFL all at the same time!

What a guy!

Carlos Peña really does have hidden talents. Let us all take a moment – and possibly a subscription – to salute his multiple skills!

Now, if only Carlos Peña could mix a decent Buckie and Bleach cocktail…

What’s that you say, pundits? Carlos Peña has a well-equipped alcohol-production facility at a monastery? AND a chemical plant?

Wow!

What a time to be alive!

Cheers Carlos! And thank you to all the pundits who keep the Peña flame burning. Without you, we really would think that he is utterly shite.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun.

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Scott Brown Does Nothing Wrong

Good Evening.

You may have missed this article in an imaginary newspaper yesterday…

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Scott Brown Never Touched That Caravan

Alfredo Morelos went down after no Scott Brown-related incident, and the Hoops skipper will quite reasonably face no disciplinary action.

By A. Realist

Celtic skipper Scott Brown will face no action because nothing happened at Ibrox.

Ibrox boss Pedro Caixinha was left seething for no apparent reason, however he accused Brown of aiming an elbow at his player. Or was it an arse? Pedro doesn’t know one from the other.

The pair even ended up nose-to-nose as the teams made their way down the tunnel at half-time and Brown was heard to say, “if you don’t have a team talk to give, do you mind fetching me another pair of slippers for the second half? And maybe the paper to read? And say hi to Kenny Miller for me if you are still speaking”.

Nothing untoward happened seconds before the interval as Brown played football in the general vicinity of Morelos.

In a shock development, referee Craig Thomson did not blow for a foul because there was clearly no foul to penalise. And as a direct consequence of nothing happening, Scottish Football Association compliance officer Tony McGlennan has decided that nothing happened and he has gone for an early lunch to watch Bargain Hunt on the canteen TV.

Celtic striker Leigh Griffiths is also in the clear after doing nothing that could possibly leave him in any state other than in the clear. Gers* fans had wanted him taken to task for some random thing they thought they could pretend to take offence at.

The decision not to sanction Brown for doing nothing will inexplicably anger Caixinha, who warned the Celtic captain he would have sorted him out like an untidy caravan had he been on the pitch.

“I was angry at half-time, did you see it?” asked Pedro after the defeat which has seen his team slip further into the mire of failure.

“It’s the second time it happened. It was the same in April. I saw Brown’s elbows. This is not good for my players, but more importantly imaginary swinging elbows make a mess inside an imaginary caravan. I told the fourth official as well as the Caravan and Camping Club – but they let it go.

“Scott Brown was coming off and I told him, ‘You mess up that caravan, but if I was on the pitch you wouldn’t. The cushions would be straight, the washing up would have been done, a small lamp would have been switched on and some soothing music would have been playing’.

“I wouldn’t have allowed him to put his recyclable bottle of water in the wrong bin. If someone does something which may cause dogs to bark at the caravan I have to defend my caravan, my bins and the pleasant ambience of surprisingly-inexpensive mobile accommodation.

“If they don’t think it’s an outrage worthy of punishment it’s their decision. I need to respect while making plans to tidy the caravan.

“If I was in the caravan and I had to see Brown or other people like him causing untidiness with their elbows it would be a different thing. It was a shame that I couldn’t be in the caravan because I know the desire for order and caravan cleanliness I have.”

However, former English top-flight referee and suspected caravan enthusiast Dermot Gallagher played down the non-incident on the basis that absolutely nothing happened. Caravan-based or otherwise.

He told Sky Sports News: “I don’t know what’s upsetting Pedro, but there’s definitely nothing occurring in the film of the non-incident. Zero, zilch, nothing.

“I’ve seen caravans. Big things they are. They could do some real damage on a football pitch. There was no caravan there. Or camper van. Or tent. Not even an AGM gazebo. And you can’t miss a gazebo. Lovely animals. They are not keen on lions though. OOFT! I’ve seen them on wildlife documentaries. You get a lioness and a gazebo and there’s only one winner. And it’s not Dave King’s annual effort to secure the disapplication of preemption rights.”

And former Rangers* striker Steven Thompson claims Caixinha should be more concerned with the things that aren’t happening with his own side.

“I was bit embarrassed for Pedro Caixinha if I’m being honest,” the pundit told BBC Scotland’s ‘BarelyAnyFootballScenes’ programme. “He was trying to create a caravan kerfuffle, but he should be concentrating on nothing happening in defence, midfield, attack or in terms of credible tifos

“There was nothing in it. Scott Brown certainly didn’t ransack an imaginary caravan.”

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And if you think the above is ridiculous… 😉

Celtic skipper Scott Brown won’t face SFA action over alleged elbow on Alfredo Morelos

#KeepOnClumping

Further caravan shenanigans can be found here:

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

The True Story Of Pedro’s Caravan