Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro Factors Poor Management Into Training

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has been given a copy of a fictitious article about the latest profound insights from Paperwork Pedro. It will not be appearing in a mainstream publication any time soon, and so is reproduced for your information below…

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Pedro Caixinha is now factoring poor management into Rangers’ * training sessions in the wake of last Saturday’s defeat by the Highly Provocative Neil Lennon and His Lucky Hibernian Side.

The Ibrox manager [no, we still can’t believe it either…] was unhappy with the performance of the referee and his assistants as his side lost to the ex-Celtic manager’s side. That’s THE EX-CELTIC MANAGER’S SIDE.

Ryan Jack was sent off in the first half, and his dismissal has since been overturned, with the SFA having concluded that he administered the acceptable sort of head butt rather than one of those naughty ones.

However, having reflected on the result, the manner of Rangers’ latest defeat, and having seeing the words “Pedro, you are shite” everywhere he looks on social media, Caixinha has reluctantly decided to look closer to home for answers.

“I will take a bad management decision in training to make the players understand that things are going in that direction and might happen at any moment”, said Caixinha.

“If they say ‘FFS what is this clown doing now?’ enough times in training, then they are less likely to say it during a match in front of the TV cameras. It is bad for morale to see such things. Especially my morale.”

The Rangers* manager continued, “If the players know I am likely to do something completely bat-shit crazy, or to ignore a gaping hole in the defence, then they have the opportunity to implement a solution. Hopefully before the opposition score a goal. But if not, while they carry the ball back to the centre circle for the restart.”

Caixinha wants his players to control their temper even when they feel aggrieved at a decision made by him. And he thinks that introducing some even more bonkers initiatives into practice matches at their No-Longer-Murray Park training centre will help to achieve that.

“For my players, I can try to get them to control their inner rage at me” explained the man sometimes known as the ‘Poundshop Mourinho’, but for whom Rangers’* actually received change from a quid when they acquired his services.

“But I cannot always control what manner of craziness might come out of my mouth. In fact sometimes I just wibble and hope for the best

“I hope that my players still have the focus to keep playing football with a formation and tactics because one of the points we have definitely is to finish matches playing something that cannot be mistaken for a convention of headless chickens.

“I just need players to understand that there is no plan. And if my behaviour demands they play ‘Cluedo’ or ‘Connect Four’ in training, and perhaps juggle hedgehogs, they need to accept that.

“It’s something we analyse and speak to our players about. We play board games and juggle Mrs Tiggy-Winkle and her friends at training, but they have to be ready to repair my car during a game if that is what I demand. Or perhaps establish a small pop-up shop selling a range of cute ceramic dogs.”

Caixinha said his players had shown “so much anger, so much incredulity” in training this week, that until kick-off against Hearts they would simply be sedated.

The Portuguese added: “We have already forgotten what happened on Saturday. You have seen the film ‘Men In Black’? It is like that. My players now know nothing of the mistakes that cost them against Hibernian. It’s definitely not going to affect our next game so we are looking forward to Saturday. Or at least we will once the drugs have worn off.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s what the song says and that’s what I really believe. Unless of course you are Samson. He had his hair cut off and it made him weaker without killing him.

“This gives me an idea for my next tactical innovation. The players will be trained in hairdressing and will cut the hair of the Hearts players during the game. It will be a thing of beauty for the fans to see and will require no skill with a football. We cannot fail.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

How To Manage The Scottish Sports Media

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is delighted to be acting as the recruitment agent for an exciting new fictitious media management opportunity at Sevco.

Please see the below details.

>>>>>

Position: Media Management Executive at one-time basket of assets.

Number of posts available: Three (see 'responsibilities' below).

Location: The Very Democratic People's Kingdom of Sevconia.

Salary: Um, well, errr… oh look, you need to get on with reading the rest of the advert.

Benefits: A 'free' breakfast (world class) is available for a daily charge.

Pension: Yes, some of our players are near to drawing theirs.

Start date: Immediate, but your career history can be backdated to 1872 if you wish. We have a very creative approach to such matters.

Duration: Our spin will survive the final heat death of the Universe.

Training: Our highly experienced Traynor will sort you out. 😉

Responsibilities:

The world's most successful* 'club' has recently initiated a strategy to manage the output of the Scottish sports media to within half an inch of its life. In doing so, they are building on their previous success in managing its output to within a full inch of its life.

The centrepiece of this progressive approach is to film journalists during press conferences so that everyone can be absolutely clear about who exactly said what.

Post One

To reinforce this positive innovation – known as 'Operation You Can't be Too Careful'the 'club' is now seeking a second cameraman to film the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

The post holder will focus the mind of the first cameraman and sure that there is absolutely no chance of any press pack 'misdeeds' (as defined by us) going unrecorded.

Post Two

Our comprehensive approach to news management necessitates the appointment of a 'quality assurance' technician. The post holder will be a skilled cameraman responsible for filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

Post Three

The final piece of our master plan to ensure totally anodyne coverage of the 'club' will be the appointment of a 'quality control' specialist. The post holder will be an experienced cameraman responsible for filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

The successful applicant must possess versatility and be able to scrawl over journalists' notes with a black marker pen and shout 'no one leaves until their story is correct' when required.

Applications to: Clumpany Towers (Satirical Recruitment Division).

Applications which are not submitted on the label of a full bottle of Buckie will be rejected unread.

Time-wasters only please.

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Any takers?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

 

Media, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Awaiting Your Instructions


Good Afternoon.

One of the most preposterous things said in relation to calls for an investigation and possible title-stripping following the Supreme Court’s ruling on the Big Tax Case has been the following:

“Chris will helpfully bring us the latest”. 😉

Of course, I jest. It was actually “Grant! You’ll put everyone in the picture, won’t you?”. 😉

I jest once again.

It is actually the notion that the authorities will act if there is sufficient pressure from clubs/ fans for it.

Now, I am no expert in horsesh*t. But I know a steaming pile when I see one. Particularly if it has an army of (very smelly) squirrels climbing all over it.

It is truly astonishing that anyone could have sufficient contempt for common sense, sport and the intelligence of their audience to utter the words and expect anyone to take them seriously!

And it is even more outrageous that the footballing authorities are able to hide behind this crap rather than be relentlessly pursued for a coherent account of themselves and a commitment to take serious action.

But that is the situation in which we seem to find ourselves at present.

Surely the questions should always be “has wrong apparently been done? How can we test this? What sanctions can be applied if wrongdoing is proven?”

…rather than sitting there in glorious inaction until your hand is forced?

What is the point of rules, regulatory bodies and a supposedly inquisitive media if staring at your shoes until the paying customers make you do something is seen as a perfectly rational and acceptable approach?

I’ll tell you.

There is none.

Whatever next?

  • Referees only awarding legitimate goals if there is sufficient pressure for it? [Actually, let’s not give the SFA any ideas…]
  • Taxi drivers declining to take a passenger home, and just sitting on the rank with the engine running until thousands of the fare’s mates start shouting at them?
  • The police receiving reports of a murder (or ‘a Tweet’ depending on your preferred level of melodrama), and refusing to do anything until enough people phone insisting that they have to look into it?
  • Juries in criminal trials lounging around in the jury room drinking Buckie until the weight of popular opinion forces them to make a decision?
  • An invaded country only bothering to defend itself if enough folk email the authorities to take action?

The entire national sport of Scotland and those who follow it are being taken for mugs. 

You know that, I know that, and I suspect that everyone working at Hampden and in the sports media knows it too.

As a result, it is good to see the Scottish Football Supporters Association (whose survey I commend) doing their stuff, alongside the dynamic new Strip The Titles initiative, and the fans of many clubs [NB I have been particularly impressed by some of the Dons’ fans].

This is clearly the time to apply – and keep up – the pressure.

Inaction by the fans – and by the clubs they may have squandered millions following in a seemingly rigged game – merely endorses the authorities’ inertia. It does this because it leaves the authorities unquestioned and unchallenged. And it does so because it appears that the vast majority of the ‘heroic’ Scottish sports media simply cannot be trusted to do anything other than desperately try to avoid rocking the boat.

Shame on them.

And well done to everyone fighting for justice.  Keep it up!

Even if it means crowdfunding a judicial review.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Do take a few minutes to complete the Scottish Football Supporters’ Association survey, which you can find by clicking here.

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

An Urgent Statement About Rangers’ CVA


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just released the following statement…

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The Clumpany is disappointed to note that no one involved in the British food and retail industries is willing to bow to The Clumpany’s demands that they start putting  appeals to find the missing “Rangers exiting administration” documents on milk cartons.

Given the importance of this issue and the wish of similar paperwork from Hearts, Dunfermline and others to join their Rangers counterpart in a big celebratory party at Clumpany Towers, it is outrageous that my perfectly reasonable demands have not been met.

How dare the so-called ‘neutral’ milk sector behave in this outrageous manner? I don’t care whether the content of milk carton packaging is a matter for producers to determine, subject to the inclusion of certain information required by law. I have a self-absorbed fuss to make and BOY am I going to make it.

Nor is it important that milk carton appeals regarding the ‘Missing’  are more of an American thing than a British one. I demand to be heard and respected and to have my wishes pandered-to. Especially those wishes that are explained in really long sentences that wouldn’t know punctuation if it came along and put a semi-colon hyphen full stop to it so there are you intimidated by the length of this sentence are you ARE you?

Even-handedness demands that an appeal for Rangers’ ‘CVA success’ paperwork is put on UK milk cartons. Failure to respect basic human rights will not be tolerated and will result in boycotts and writing grammar-free emails to everyone on a specially-compiled list. I am good at making lists.

I have met with a number of cows in fields across Scotland and they all recognised the need for me to get my own way in this matter. In fact they said they would not be “mooved”.

That’s “mooved”. A direct quote.

How much more persuasion do you need?

Let there be no misunderstanding. Milk and everyone associated with it will regret the day they refused to bow to my demands.

And that includes you Milk Tray Man. Let’s see how glamorous you are when you are just Tray Man.

And Milka Cows. You won’t be laughing when you are simply -a Cows.

And before they get any ideas, the agenda-driven goat community should consider itself ‘on notice’ that its milk is set to be deemed guilty by milky association.

And speaking of ‘milky’, my determination to prevail against the haters is such that I will see Milky Way humiliated – in both its chocolate and galaxy forms if necessary.

No one ‘milks it’ on my watch.

>>>>>>

In other news, I see a Sevco fans’ group has issued a statement.

Statement on Daily Record Coverage

😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Unexpected Abuse


Good Evening.

The Clumpany encountered some truly surreal things when it was out and about today.

While waiting for the bus I noticed a decaying lump of dog excrement on the pavement. 

You might think there was nothing unusual in that. And you’d be correct. But what was truly extraordinary was that the heap of canine foulness was shouting at passers by.

“There was no sporting advantage” it bellowed. “Rangers would have bought those players anyway. EBTs weren’t illegal!”

It repeated the cry over and over again. 

Somewhat bemused, I got the bus and thought no more about it.

Until I got off the bus, whereupon a runny pigeon dump splattered on my ethereal shoulder from a great height. I was just about to recoil in horror when I was taken aback at the sound of the droppings talking to me!

“There is no appetite to reopen Lord Nimmo-Smith’s Commission. It is time to heal and move on.”

I availed myself of the tissues and wet-wipes offered by sympathetic passers-by, and removed the mess from my intangible person.

I walked a few yards and saw a mounted policeman. His horse deposited a huge pile of manure by my feet and trotted away. I held my ethereal nose to avoid the stench, but was again shocked when the steaming equine crap mountain started talking to me.

“It’s all in the past!” it said. “Top lawyers have been asked and there is no mechanism to take action against Rangers. The matter is closed”.

Increasingly perturbed by events, I hastened to the shops to make my purchases and then head back to the relative sanity of Clumpany Towers. However, before boarding the bus home I popped to the public toilets and had the misfortune to discover that my predecessor had forgotten to flush.

And as if it wasn’t bad enough to find a world class jobbie staring up at me, the remarkable specimen started shouting at me!

“Those titles were won on the pitch! It would be theft to take them off Rangers. You are just bitter and jealous! Concentrate on your own team!”

Fearing that I might be going completely crazy, I decided not to wait for the bus but instead got a taxi back to Clumpany Towers. Once there, I called my pal Alan. I haven’t seen him in ages and was due to catch up, but the day’s events made it imperative that I spoke to him immediately. Alan is a sensible bloke and can always be relied upon to offer a sense of perspective. 

As soon as he heard my voice, Alan commented that I sounded a bit shaken, and asked me what the matter was. So I gave him a blow-by-blow account of all the talking turds and their detailed comments on Rangers.

To be honest, I was expecting Alan to show some sympathy, but instead he just chuckled at me, before explaining:

“FFS Clumpany! Why so concerned? You’ve just encountered a load of shit arguments against title stripping.

Open the newspapers and you will have exactly the same experience. Day after day.”

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Mr Greedy’s Title-Stripping Appetite


One day, Mr Greedy woke up to find that he was very hungry indeed.

Mr Greedy felt hungry every morning. He also felt hungry in the afternoons and in the evenings too.

Mr Greedy knew that he could stop feeling hungry for a while by having a very big breakfast. So he had four packets of cornflakes, twelve slices of toast, six eggs, and ten rashers of bacon washed down with a gallon of tea.

“That was delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But then Mr Greedy became concerned.

Because he was still feeling extremely hungry!

So he decided to have another breakfast. He ate twenty-four Weetabix, ten slices of toast and marmalade, and a dozen eggs. He also gulped down five pints of orange juice.

“That was also delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But he was still feeling hungry. This did not normally happen to Mr Greedy so soon after one large breakfast, let alone two! 

A little worried, Mr Greedy decided to distract himself by going into town and going some shopping for his dinner.

As he wandered between the shops Mr Greedy bumped into Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer who worked for the local media, and who were reading the day’s sports news with a worried look.

Mr Greedy told them about the strange new hunger he was experiencing. 

“Well we can assure you that it’s definitely not a hunger for Rangers title-stripping” said Mr Liquidation-Denial.

“Yes that’s right” said Mr Squirrel-Writer. “You are a sensible chap who has no appetite for that. Is that a squirrel behind you? I’d be more worried about that if I were you.”

Mr Greedy couldn’t see a squirrel, and he carried on with his shopping. He then bumped into Mr Alltoo-Difficult who works at the Scottish Football Association and who had a big frown on his face.

Mr Greedy – eating a catering-sized box of Mars Bars as a snack – told him about his mysterious hunger. 

“Well at least we can rule out a case of hunger for Rangers title-stripping, Mr Greedy. You definitely have no appetite for that!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult.

“That’s funny” said Mr Greedy. “That’s exactly what Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer said to me a few minutes ago! Have you been talking to them?”

“Absolutely not!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult. “That’s just a massive coincidence. Now, why don’t you move on [*cough cough cough*]… errr… to the next shop and don’t worry about your strange hunger?”

Mr Greedy went into the newsagent’s to buy another dozen Mars Bars. Suddenly, he noticed the front page of a newspaper which talked about cuts to various public services.

As he left the shop, Mr Greedy suddenly felt absolutely ravenous even though he had just stuffed down another seven Mars Bars. 

And then he realised the cause of his unusual hunger! Mr Liquidation-Denial, Mr Squirrel-Writer and Mr Alltoo-Difficult had been wrong! Presumably they had been wrong completely by accident and in an uncoordinated way, but they were wrong!

Because Mr Greedy had a gargantuan appetite for Rangers title-stripping! 

Mr Greedy didn’t see why everyone else had to pay their taxes for essential public services when the late Rangers Football Club could avoid it and still keep their trophies!

In fact, Mr Greedy thought that this was an absolute piss-take of the highest order and that Scottish football and society as a whole deserved better.

Mr Greedy was hungry for justice. So he decided there and then to lobby his favourite football club to ensure that justice was delivered.

And when Mr Greedy has an appetite for something, he doesn’t let it go until it is satisfied…

>>>>>>

You know what to do, everybody…

Oh yes, and spare a thought for Jim Traynor. 😉 

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Flight Of Fantasy


Good Evening.

The Clumpany just had a truly bizarre experience. There I was in the pub when a man sat next to me and started telling me all about his upcoming holiday.

He was going to Europe and hoped to visit a number of countries. He was VERY excited indeed and started waving his passport and flight details above his head.

It was a bit embarrassing to be honest, but I like to be polite. I nodded my approval, said “that’s nice” and returned to my drink.

But he wasn’t finished!

He reached into a large bag and pulled out a load of photograph albums.

“These are the photographs of all my previous holidays in Europe. There’s barely a place I haven’t visited. Would you like to see them?”

“Well, err…”, I said.

“Good. Now this album is from when I went to France…”.

Several hours later, he finally got to the end of his albums. I was repeatedly tempted to tell him to get lost but I became strangely obsessed by the spectacle and so stuck with it.

However, as he put the last album back in his bag, I had a sudden realisation.

“Hang on a minute! You have all those photograph albums and yet not one single picture is of you? Did you actually go to those places?”.

Whereupon he told me to “f*ck off” and ran out of the pub.

Bemused, I finished my drink and stood up to leave. At which point the landlord came over and said “I see you’ve met Deluded Billy. He’s been boring people with his ‘memories’ for a few weeks now. He’s really excited about going abroad for the first time ever. He flies out next week.”

“So what about all those pictures he had? All those happy memories?”, I asked?

“Oh, he’s a bit embarrassed that he’s never actually been overseas, so he’s made up some ‘Continental history’ for himself. He got those photograph albums in a big house clearance sale. To be honest, I’m a big worried that he’s starting to believe his own bullsh*t.”

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Meanwhile, in unrelated news, Rangers* are apparently about to return to Europe.


#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…