Media, Satire

The Day I Saw The Beatles Perform Live

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to share a very personal reminiscence with my long suffering readers.

It’s about the day I saw the Fab Four perform live!

I was very excited about it for days in advance. On the morning of the gig I was absolutely buzzing even though I hadn’t slept. I put some Beatles vinyl records on at maximum volume during breakfast, and played them at maximum volume.

It really set me up for the day! I was dancing in the kitchen, dancing in the shower, and dancing all the way to the gig.

Seriously, I practically floated to the venue because I was so unbelievably excited. I knew that I was going to scream from the first moment that John, Paul, George and Ringo walked on stage until well after they left, and I didn’t care who saw or heard me.

Because was going to see The Beatles!

And they didn’t disappoint! Sometimes you could barely hear them over the screaming, but it was an unbelievably brilliant show. Those voices! Those songs! And (let’s be honest) those suits and haircuts! OOFT!

I knew there and then that this was going to be an experience to treasure for ever and ever.

I had seen and heard The Beatles in person.

GET IN!

I can still remember the exact date and location of the concert.

It was on 29 July 2012 at Glebe Park, Brechin.

And if you are prepared to believe that steaming pile of bullshit you will also believe that the team that played Brechin City that day was the real Rangers FC rather than Sevco Scotland.

Goo goo g’joob.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, liquidation denial is a massive insult to your intelligence and a punch in the face for 276 creditors…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Medieval Approach

Siege

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in any attempted newspapers…

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We are a building a fortress here says Arfield 

The Rangers* midfielder saw encouraging signs of fortification during the Light Blues’ truly magnificent 6-0 friendly victory against English high-fliers Bury.

By A. Motte-Bailey

Scott Arfield last night insisted that the Gers’* stylish humiliation of the Shakers was the beginning of something special at Ibrox, and any domestic or Europa League raiders can expect to face intimidation and harsh resistance should they have ambitions of conquering Steven Gerrard’s side.

“You could see it taking shape even before the game” said Arfield.

“Loads of the fans digging a moat around the ground and pissing in it to fill it up. There will be a drawbridge going in over the next few days, and it will be lifted to stop opposition teams getting in. Apparently some local businesses have donated old shelves to make it. It’s an absolutely top class gesture and shows what this club* is all about.”

But the external fortifications are not the only obstacle visiting sides can expect to encounter at Ibrox this season.

“We are going to have archers standing on the roof to fend off anyone who makes it across the moat. I say ‘archers’ but it’s actually the local darts team. They share a set of darts so there are only actually three to throw. But this is a well organised defence that will take no prisoners! That’s what the manager wants and everyone is working hard to make it happen.”

Arfield also confirmed that should anyone evade the archers, a grisly fate awaits them.

“You’ve read about how they used to pour hot tar down on enemies trying to climb the walls? Well, the coaching staff have asked a cafe if they can borrow a hot cup of tea to throw down on the opposition. We couldn’t scrape together the cash to buy it, but thankfully the cafe has said it’s no bother. We just need to call them and the tea is ours. Shipped over from their urn in Belfast. They reckon they could get it to us within a few hours.”

Finally, the former Falkirk and Burnley hero sounded a warning about the Rangers* squad’s long-term commitment to seeing off challenges, no matter where they come from.

“The board wants us to adopt a siege mentality. So the water supply will be cut off and we will have to make what food we have last until the end of May. Unless we decide to eat fringe players who can’t get a game.

“And apparently anyone who complains about it being a cost-cutting exercise may find themselves facing the anger of the Ogre. I think it works as a trainer in the gym or something”.

>>>>>
Meanwhile…

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…
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Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

His Big Mikeness Strikes Again

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has greatly enjoyed the MSM’s coverage of His Big Mikeness’s latest legal manoeuvrings, which threaten to hinder sales of Sevco merchandise. Merchandise which includes the pile of slightly adapted generic kits that Hummel possibly never expected to sell in the first place until Dave King chapped on their door.

My main source of amusement has been the way that the Scottish football MSM has maintained a po-faced demeanour suggesting that they were bringing a new story to the punters when the simple fact of the matter was that they were only telling us what we already knew.

This seems to happen quite often and makes you wonder whether the MSM is still locked into a mindset that only THEY break real news, and ‘folk on the Internet’ such as Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and the wider Bampot community don’t.

You get the impression that the social media brigades could have all the training, track records, sources and NUJ cards in the world and yet it still wouldn’t count in the eyes of those working for ‘Proper News Organisations’. Whatever they are.

I don’t suggest that these were the exact thoughts that ran through the minds of those in the outlets which reported on Ashley’s latest move many hours after Phil had put the story out there and the online community had looked at some points of detail. I am sure that these folk are doing their jobs in good faith.

However, the whole spectacle, and the mocking reaction of a lot of people on social media speaks volumes about the state of the ‘traditional’ coverage of the often-pantomime that is Scottish football.

There is a real thirst out there for timely information about significant developments, and for some decent, thought-provoking analysis. Phil delivered it yesterday, and so-called ‘Bampots’ quickly waded in. It was fascinating and engaging stuff.

Frankly, someone from a mainstream outlet popping up online the following day and saying that a story about it would follow soon doesn’t cut the mustard. Especially when that story turns out to be little more than the bare bones of what we already knew.

I don’t want to do a hatchet job on anyone over this, but I do want to point out that the exasperation and mockery that has been expressed over the mainstream coverage of the latest Ashley/Sevco litigation seems to be entirely appropriate. Not least because it so clearly illustrates the continuing and possibly ultimately fatal shortcomings of the ‘old ways’ of covering Scottish football.

We deserve better.

#KeepOnClumping

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Media, Satire, Sevco

Giving F*ck All To Sevco

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Good Evening.

Not appearing in an attempted newspaper any time soon…

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New Signing Says “F*ck That”

The Ibrox outfit’s latest signing is determined to crush Celtic in his own unique way.

By A. Shite-Peddler

Rangers’’* newest recruit has promised to destroy their Old Firm* rivals by treating the fans to a truly astonishing display.

The player – who asked not to be named as he felt any association with our output would embarrass his family for countless generations to come – said that he had something truly special in store.

“I literally give zero fucks about who I am playing for” revealed the starlet whose agent couldn’t be arsed to provide further details when we asked him to help us fill column inches.

“If I am really honest, I plan to make a complete arse if it and be marooned on the subs’ bench for the rest of eternity.

“You’ve heard all the cliches about players wanting to prove themselves and welcoming the ‘step up’ to this ‘massive club’?

“Well I don’t do cliches. And if I don’t get a game and fail to add to the pretence of the club’s* history in a way that pleases its PR operation, I couldn’t care less.

“Ideally my preference would be to score a load of own goals. Great big blasts into the centre of the Rangers* goal having first taken out the keeper with my shoulder-carried rocket launcher.

“Failing that, I’m happy to play in any position and wave the opposition lads on as they steam past and knock ten goals in.

“I’m just done with this pantomime of turning up at a new club and being determined to do a good job, only for the local media to make out that I am going to do something extraordinary for them.

“Reading them, you would think that I am going to become a ballerina and literally  dance the ball into the opposition net.

“That simply isn’t going to happen. No matter how deluded the local media is.

“So let me state on the record once and for all… If I could sit on a deck chair while Rangers’* opponents stroked the ball around me. And if I could then see them take a wee break and order some whisky at the club’s* expense and savour it before scoring an embarrassing amount of goals against the Light Blues, I would be good with that.

“It’s only football FFS! And it would be a shocking state of affairs if we were locked into a perpetual cycle of uttering platitudes to give the mainstream media something easy to feed off.

“Wouldn’t it?”

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Sunday Newspapers Need To Move To A Different Day

Good Evening

Not appearing in a Sunday newspaper any time soon. 😉

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The Sunday Newspapers Love Being Published On A Sunday But Need To Move To Fulfil Their Potential

The Clumpany reckons that the Scottish Sunday papers would love to stick around in their ‘second half of the weekend’ slot, but deep down they know that they need to test themselves elsewhere.

By T. Clumpany

The Clumpany has long felt that while they might be well-established and comfortable in their traditional slot, the Sunday papers were always likely to have to contemplate a move that would take them out of their comfort zone.

I would like to make it clear that I do not subscribe to the view of my good pal Alan (who I still haven’t seen in ages) that the entire mainstream media should just “piss off into oblivion”. That seems an unnecessarily harsh perspective (and no, I don’t say that because I think they should f*ck off to oblivion instead. 😉).

No, I feel confident that Scotland’s Sunday papers still have a contribution to make towards our understanding of world events and the sport we love. However, I have no doubt that those responsible for them know deep down that they are ready for a fresh challenge.

It is perhaps unfortunate for them that the challenge may have come knocking on their door sooner than they expected. Or, to be more precise, knocking and then dragging them out of the house before bundling them into the back of a van. But there is no accounting for events overtaking you.

So the choice now facing the Scottish Sunday papers is whether to cling on to the same old routine and an all-too-familiar environment like a house guest who has so far outstayed their welcome that you don’t know whether to call them a taxi or a hearse. Or to instead make a bold move and seize an exciting new opportunity.

The Clumpany can now exclusively reveal that the Scottish Sunday papers are about to be offered a move to a different day, courtesy of the generosity of the Bampot Community. The fine details of the offer are yet to be hammered out but The Clumpany feels sure that these papers will end up much better appreciated if they take up the challenge.

The day on offer is the 29th February, and to sweeten the deal the Bampot Community accepts that the papers could still be published when it falls on a Sunday. With 100 years’ notice.

Oh yes, and that’s the 29th February on (or up?) Uranus.

What’s it to be lads? Wasting away where you are in Scottish Sundays, or going for something more challenging?

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, Gerrard, Media, Satire

A War That Celtic Cannot Win

Good Evening.

Probably not in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

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Stevie G And Walter Go To War With Celtic

The Champions League-winning Champions League winner plans to hold a summit with the Gers icon to formulate a plan to destroy Celtic. Literally.

By A. Battle-Fever.

Steven Gerrard has wasted no time in setting up a serious sit-down with his illustrious* predecessor* and fully intends to get the low-down on how to blast Celtic into smithereens.

The high-powered encounter promises to strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players as they prepare for a surely-doomed assault on 8-in-a-row.

Walter Smith has been the go-to guy for Gerrard’s predecessors, and the veteran former manager has never failed to deliver advice that has resulted in devastating consequences. [Don’t say for who – Ed.]

Now the legendary Liverpool legend looks set to team-up with the legnedary Rangers legned to deliver Celtic’s worst nightmare.

“Nuclear weapons” said a source close to Rangers*.

That’s what Walter can bring to the table. Celtic won’t know what has hit them. Stevie G will love it.”

Our insider confirmed that it wouldn’t just be the Wisdom of Walter that would be assisting Gerrard.

“It’s a little-known fact that Graeme Souness was on the brink of inflicting nuclear armageddon on Celtic in the 1980s. The only reason he didn’t was his realisation that his tackling during games could do far worse damage.

“There was no problem with David Murray paying for the weapon. He was always great at buying absolute weapons – just look at the players he signed over the years. The bank was fully on board to extend the club’s* overdraft to pay for any sort of annihilation of Celtic that he fancied.

“However, Graeme thought a few of his trademark on-pitch assaults could do the job quite nicely instead.

“Obviously Stevie G won’t be playing for Rangers* this season, but he’ll surely love the idea of using Souness’s Plan B.”

It is understood that Walter and Stevie G will meet as soon as the Rangers* squad returns from its current unsuccessful continental bus-spotting expedition.

“It’s going to be an awe-inspiring spectacle”, said our insider, who asked not to be named in case UN Weapons Inspectors got on his case.

“Stevie G will be sitting there in the Blue Room ready to talk total destruction, and Walter will walk in wearing his best stare and brown brogues. They’ll agree on a launch date and time for the weapon, have a cup of tea, and then go home.

“Celtic’s days are numbered.”

When asked if we could see the nuclear weapon, and why he appeared to be making a rudimentary catapult out of a rubber band, and a y-shaped stick emblazoned with the words ‘Stevie’s Celtic Smasher’ our source told us to “f*ck off and write the correct story”.

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

Picture via @Celt_Bhoy1888

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Don’t Mention The Bus

Shhh. You haven’t seen this…

Don’t.

Just don’t, OK.

Do not mention any buses.

There is no need for a bus, but if there was, there would be a bus available. You can be absolutely certain about that.

People can get very upset about buses.

Fortunately, it is possible to do things in a bus-free way and avoid any unnecessary bus-related anxiety or public displays of irritation.

In such circumstances you can dispense with having a bus to do things that might ordinarily involve a bus.

You can be gloriously bus free, and enjoy a walk or a ride on a non-bus mode of transport.

Like a buggie, a pogo stick, or a scooter. Those things are definitely not buses.

Other non-bus options might include a rocket. Perhaps a complete and utter rocket. Who knows?

If you felt like relying on nature you would not use a bus, and might instead await a particularly strong gust of wind to get you from A to B.

Or you could hope to be propelled by a sudden earthquake. Now that really would be a lively means of non-bus transportation!

Failing that, you could perhaps hope to be propelled along by the force of a person’s sharp wit and insightful commentary. OK in the case of some people you might then end up waiting a bloody long time to be moved, but at least there would be no bus involved and no need for one.

Whatever your choice, it is important not to mention buses.

Do not discuss buses in any way shape or form. All is well with the world when it comes to buses, and no good can come of talking about them.

So please do not mention buses.

I for one would certainly never dream of doing so.

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of bus…