Tavernier’s Disappointing Disapp-ointment

Hello.

I’m James Tavernier and I’m disappointed to tell you that my surname doesn’t actually mean I run a tavern. Not even a really disappointing one with disappointing beer, disappointing lager and a disappointing range of spirits. I’m even disappointed to have to tell you that my imaginary pub doesn’t have a dart board because the disappointing fantasy supplier let me down. I was really disappointed about that.

No, I’m here to tell you how disappointed I am about a new product I’ve invested in as a nest egg for my eventual retirement. Not the on-pitch retirement I am leading the rest of the disappointing Rangers* squad through week in and week out. I mean my eventual retirement from disappointing myself, the board and the fans by being PAID to disappointingly kick a football about. You know, when I finally actually hang up my disappointing boots which disappointingly give me blisters every week. I’m really disappointed by the current kit suppliers, I can tell you.

But back to my main disappointment. I was disappointed that when I looked at investment opportunities for the money I’d built up by being a footballing disappointment and telling everyone how disappointed I am, the only thing available was was a scheme to fund the manufacture of something called “Tavernier’s Disappointing Disapp-ointment”. The promoter – a man called Timothy O’Pisstake – said he had a new medicinal cream, an ointment, which he would like me to fund and promote. I was disappointed by his laughing when he spoke to me, but he reassured me he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to find a gullible mark. I was disappointed that I had to tell him my name isn’t Mark, but didn’t let that get in the way of our negotiations.

Timothy said the ointment was guaranteed to disappoint anyone who had hopes of it doing any good. It would – quite literally – be a disapp-ointment. And he could think of no one better to be the face, arms, legs, torso and any other body parts you care to cover in his magnificent Disapponting Disapp-ointment than yours truly!

I was disappointed that this sort of life-changing opportunity hadn’t come my way before, but decided to seize the chance now it had presented itself in a disappointingly belated way.

So roll up, roll up! For Tavernier’s Disappointing Disapp-ointment! Guaranteed to leave you feeling disappointed like nothing else!

#KeepOnClumping

[NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…]