Media, Satire, Sevco

A Holiday With Club Sevco

Good Evening.

Having seen some recent sun-drenched, pre-season, Sevco-chasing reports from the Scottish football media’s finest, The Clumpany is delighted to be able to bring you an exclusive holiday offer in association with Flights of Fancy Ltd.

Flying out from Glasgow, you will land in southern Spain and stay in an entirely inconsequential hotel for the duration of your visit. All you will need to know is that Stevie G and the Hitherto-Unknown World-Beating Rangers* Signings Who Are Here To Steal Celtic’s Crown are training somewhere nearby.

This exclusive ‘dignity-spared’ holiday will provide you with access to the Rangers* squad which is training ahead of the upcoming SPFL season. This access will give you a fantastic opportunity to drool over the signing of players that you have never heard of, and will allow you to ask the Rangers* manager or his PR representative if they would like to tickle your tummy.

The luxury break will include access to a vintage ‘David Murray Era’ grill, upon which you can prepare some especially-succulent lamb without undertaking any self-reflection whatsoever.

We feel sure that this opportunity will delight you, if no one else.

The holiday also includes permanent membership of the Dignity-a-Go-Go night spot in which you can dance around a series of uncomfortable liquidation-denying truths without ever being held to account.

We feel sure that Stevie G will appreciate your mindless interest in the affairs of Club Sevco, and we believe that Chairman Dave King will enjoy your acceptance of any PR spin that you are able to embrace.

This amazing holiday offer is available at the exclusive discounted rate of the loss of your self-respect and the unrelenting mirth of those around you.

Book now^ to ensure the profound disappointment of your nearest and dearest.

^Offer open only to Scottish sports journalists. 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a satire on the unique ‘pleasures’ of Scottish football.

Media, Scottish Football

Show Meetings The Red Card

A1Did this actually happen?

Good Evening.

Show Racism The Red Card (SRtRC) Scotland had a meeting with Phil Mac Giolla Bhain recently.

In fact you might have seen a statement about them meeting Phil to discuss “anti-Irish racism as well as the historical context.”

You might also have noted their comment that “during the meeting, a number of issues were discussed.” For example “Both Nicola and Phil spoke about Marriage Equality, LGBTQI Rights, Women’s Rights, Anti-Irish Racism, Poverty Inequality and a sense to address injustice.”

I must admit that I almost missed the statement because it didn’t exactly stand out from the torrent of statements SRtRC Scotland routinely issue about the people they meet.

SRtRC clarity on meeting with Phil MacGiollaBhain

The SRtRC Scotland Campaigns Manager seemingly spoke to Phil Mac Giolla Bhain on Saturday afternoon. The call resulted in them agreeing to meet.

Phil, of course, has written extensively about anti-Irish racism, and has called it out forcefully whenever he has seen it. As you may know, some don’t like the manner in which he has done this in response to such delightful ditties as The Famine Song and The Billy Boys, while others applaud. However, Phil is absolutely clear about his view and has been consistent in expressing it.

In short, it is not exactly a state secret.

Presumably Show Racism The Red Card Scotland didn’t think they were meeting an international man of mystery about whom they knew nothing when they agreed to convene earlier this week? Nor did they completely take leave of their senses, or set up the meeting as an elaborate practical joke?

It therefore seems reasonable to assume that they felt there was some merit in having a conversation with the Minority Reporter.

From a rational perspective this all seems like pretty anodyne stuff doesn’t it? “Campaign group meets person with relevant knowledge and experience to discuss an issue of mutual interest”.

Big deal, eh?

Well apparently it was! Because SRtRC Scotland seemingly felt the need to publicly justify having the meeting, because some folk don’t think Phil is fit and proper and are quite prepared to make a lot of angry noise about it! For some reason, his knowledge, opinion and views are considered by these people to be toxic and the sort of thing that SRtRC Scotland really should avoid.

You have to admit, defensively explaining yourself to the public like this is a bold stance for SRtRC to take.

Still, at least the meeting happened, and hopefully some good will come of it.

Wait, what’s that you say?

SRtRC has deleted the Tweet wherein they mentioned the “excellent session” with Phil and showed everyone’s favourite Ireland-based internet blogger quite literally showing racism the red card?

Sadly the deletion of the SRtRCScotland Tweet has robbed Keith’s Tweet of the sort of entertainment value we know and love!

Oh well then…

Perhaps the meeting didn’t happen at all and was simply a figment of our imagination?

Hopefully it isn’t the case that  SRtRC Scotland are embarrassed by one or more of

  • the meeting
  • the issues discussed; or
  • the person with whom they willingly discussed them.

And hopefully they aren’t seeking to limit the number of people complaining to them.

Whatever the case, distancing yourself from a meeting into which you freely entered to discuss a difficult issue which shames Scotland and which routinely causes considerable angst really isn’t a good look.

In my humble opinion.



Media, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Awaiting Your Instructions

Good Afternoon.

One of the most preposterous things said in relation to calls for an investigation and possible title-stripping following the Supreme Court’s ruling on the Big Tax Case has been the following:

“Chris will helpfully bring us the latest”. 😉

Of course, I jest. It was actually “Grant! You’ll put everyone in the picture, won’t you?”. 😉

I jest once again.

It is actually the notion that the authorities will act if there is sufficient pressure from clubs/ fans for it.

Now, I am no expert in horsesh*t. But I know a steaming pile when I see one. Particularly if it has an army of (very smelly) squirrels climbing all over it.

It is truly astonishing that anyone could have sufficient contempt for common sense, sport and the intelligence of their audience to utter the words and expect anyone to take them seriously!

And it is even more outrageous that the footballing authorities are able to hide behind this crap rather than be relentlessly pursued for a coherent account of themselves and a commitment to take serious action.

But that is the situation in which we seem to find ourselves at present.

Surely the questions should always be “has wrong apparently been done? How can we test this? What sanctions can be applied if wrongdoing is proven?”

…rather than sitting there in glorious inaction until your hand is forced?

What is the point of rules, regulatory bodies and a supposedly inquisitive media if staring at your shoes until the paying customers make you do something is seen as a perfectly rational and acceptable approach?

I’ll tell you.

There is none.

Whatever next?

  • Referees only awarding legitimate goals if there is sufficient pressure for it? [Actually, let’s not give the SFA any ideas…]
  • Taxi drivers declining to take a passenger home, and just sitting on the rank with the engine running until thousands of the fare’s mates start shouting at them?
  • The police receiving reports of a murder (or ‘a Tweet’ depending on your preferred level of melodrama), and refusing to do anything until enough people phone insisting that they have to look into it?
  • Juries in criminal trials lounging around in the jury room drinking Buckie until the weight of popular opinion forces them to make a decision?
  • An invaded country only bothering to defend itself if enough folk email the authorities to take action?

The entire national sport of Scotland and those who follow it are being taken for mugs. 

You know that, I know that, and I suspect that everyone working at Hampden and in the sports media knows it too.

As a result, it is good to see the Scottish Football Supporters Association (whose survey I commend) doing their stuff, alongside the dynamic new Strip The Titles initiative, and the fans of many clubs [NB I have been particularly impressed by some of the Dons’ fans].

This is clearly the time to apply – and keep up – the pressure.

Inaction by the fans – and by the clubs they may have squandered millions following in a seemingly rigged game – merely endorses the authorities’ inertia. It does this because it leaves the authorities unquestioned and unchallenged. And it does so because it appears that the vast majority of the ‘heroic’ Scottish sports media simply cannot be trusted to do anything other than desperately try to avoid rocking the boat.

Shame on them.

And well done to everyone fighting for justice.  Keep it up!

Even if it means crowdfunding a judicial review.


NB Do take a few minutes to complete the Scottish Football Supporters’ Association survey, which you can find by clicking here.

Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football

How Celtic Got Away With It

“I think we’ve got away with it Dermot. Mwahahahaha!”

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to expose the shameful shenanigans which have resulted in Celtic Football Club being able to submit an application to build a new hotel and museum complex alongside Celtic Park.

Celtic underhandedly built a sustainable operation over several decades, accumulating money that was outrageously their own, and earning a horrifying creditworthiness that is an appalling testament to their disgusting hard work and prudence.

Their disgracefully effective board and sickeningly productive chief executive produced gut-wrenchingly ambitious-yet-achievable plans, and brazenly built good relationships with many potential partner organisations and the civil authorities.

Celtic also humiliatingly followed good procurement practice and shamefully spent their money in paying an appallingly fair price for various pieces of land. Their attention to detail in not obtaining any underhand State Aid or other subsidies from the taxpayer, and in only paying what they could afford will forever be a mark on their reputation.

The volume of evidence about Celtic’s corrupt and shameless acts of going about things in the right way is truly jaw-dropping. I shall be publishing it and sending it to the authorities any day now…

No really…


If you are as outraged as The Clumpany, I strongly recommend that you write a lot of angry online posts, and send an infinite number of Freedom of Information requests to every public body in the Universe.

Alternatively, you could simply send a ‘Well Done’ card to congratulate Celtic on getting away with it for so long… 😉


Scottish Football, SPFL

Fenian B*stards Everywhere?

Good Evening.

Take a few moments to ponder the following scenarios:

  • You are in a church having seen a good friend get married.
  • You’ve just passed your driving test.
  • You’ve had a decent win on the lottery.
  • Your five-bet accumulator has come in.
  • You’ve made a soufflé which has turned out perfectly.
  • You thought you were going to miss the bus to work, but the driver held it at the stop for a few extra seconds so you could get on.
  • You are waiting in for a delivery and it arrives exactly when they said it would.

All of the above would give you cause to experience joy, albeit to varying degrees.

But would that joy immediately prompt you to start belting out a song about being ‘up to your knees in Fenian blood’ or one about ‘Fenian bastards’?

No, of course it wouldn’t. It is unlikely to prompt anyone to start singing such songs.

And yet in one very peculiar corner of Scottish football, the joy of seeing one particular team scoring a goal seems to trigger some* people to sing those songs. And also on occasion the utterly loathesome ‘Famine Song’.

[*NB For the benefit of the hard-of-thinking, I am not saying ‘all’]

I wonder if when asked the most basic of questions – ‘how are you today?‘ by a friend or family member over breakfast or in the pub etc these folk reply “brilliant thanks: happy and full of angry hate!”?

Because their apparent view of the world seems utterly bizarre. 

Personally speaking, I would rather enjoy a joyful moment for what it is and – if appropriate – sing a song of celebration

But that is clearly not the case for this unfortunate element, whose default reaction seems to be one of hostility where football and ‘Irishness’ is concerned.

For the avoidance of doubt, I am fully aware that the fan bases of numerous football clubs have unsavoury elements and unwelcome songs, and think we would all be better off without them. 

However, the repeated bile-filled spectacle which was once again heard on on Sky Sports today is of a particularly odious kind.

Whether the authorities – policing, political and footballing – will ever manage to do anything about it remains to be seen. I suspect they won’t because – for various reasons – it will always remain ‘all too difficult’ to confront. 

This is a great shame, because the image it portrays of our national sport and society is one of deep-rooted intolerance and anger. 

Most of us see ourselves as living in a modern progressive country with a footballing set-up that is once again becoming vibrant and hopefully more attractive to broadcasters and potential sponsors. As such, anthems of hate are an anachronism and a festering open wound which could almost be hilarious if they weren’t so downright ugly.

The blood-waders ought to take a long hard look at themselves. Preferably in the face rather than at their imaginary blood-soaked knees. Because ultimately they aren’t even doing themselves any favours, never mind the rest of us or the sport they profess to love.


Satire, Scottish Football

Sweaty Palms And Hatred

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been sent a completely-imaginary diary extract from someone purporting to be a free-thinking citizen of the United Kingdom and a fan of Scottish football.

The made-up author has given The Clumpany their thoughts on the basis of anonymity, and so I will not respond to any queries about their football allegiances.

Make of it what you will… 😉


11 December 2016

A pretty ordinary day really, although I must admit to feeling a bit disappointed with it.

I woke up at 6:50am, well before the alarm went off. I found myself licking my lips, and could feel my heart pounding. Probably a result of surfing the internet so late last night. That hunger for a ‘breakthrough’ really gets to me.

I can feel my moment coming, though.

Tick tock!

I got a glass of water and looked in the mirror. My skin looked neglected as though I hadn’t looked away from a screen in months. Big white-headed spots were in evidence, and as I looked at them I could almost hear the cries of ‘Pizza Face’ from long-ago classmates.

As I downed my water, I felt a tinge of excitement about the day ahead. I walked to the PC and turned it on. I experienced a minor thrill of expectation as I clicked to open the internet browser and sought out the news. And what joy I felt when I saw the headline about a new child abuse story in Scottish football! Surely THIS would be the day when my hopes would come to fruition?!

But no.


The child abuse story I saw was in relation to the wrong club! I couldn’t give a toss about that club or anyone affected! I want child abuse to have happened in the club that I want to see humiliated!

I couldn’t believe my bad luck.

Not to be deterred, I browsed a little more deeply, hoping to find fresh allegations of children being abused with a connection to the football club I hate. My desire burned so fiercely in my heart that I was tempted to drink a yard of Gaviscon to soothe it.

And then I suddenly thought that my luck might REALLY be in! I found folk on social media randomly making remarks about child abuse, sexual predators and the rape of minors! SURELY the club I yearn to see brought to its knees is about to come a cropper?

I was so excited by this possibility that I immediately fired off several emails and Tweets to newspapers and football governing bodies, asking

  • if they had seen the ‘chat’; and
  • demanding to know if they would seek to strip titles and trophies from any club whose staff were implicated.

I must admit that I found myself rubbing my thighs and licking my lips while I asked these questions. The possibility of humiliating the club I hate is just so delicious. Obviously, I don’t really want any children to have been abused. No, really. But I do think that a good scandal could clean Scottish football of everything I despise.

Some people might say that I am petty or even twisted! However, I firmly believe that evidence of child rape is exactly what the game needs to move forward.

PS I couldn’t write any more today as my children interrupted me while I was typing…



English Football, Scottish Football

A Blog About Child Abuse 

Good Afternoon.

If you managed to read beyond the title of this piece, I offer you my thanks. Because I have a serious point to make.

Over the years the judicious use of the ‘block’ button has helped The Clumpany to avoid the worst ravings of the zoomermost roasters on Twitter. They may be a minority but these are the type of folk whose brains seem to have bypassed Quality Control at the factory. The sort of individuals for whom conscience, morality and consideration for other human beings are curses which they are relieved to be without.

In short, you might choose to call them the scum of the earth.

In particular, my ire is directed to those who revel, delight, shout their glee and most probably hold a celebratory party at the opportunity to laugh at and score cheap points about child abuse.

Let’s be absolutely clear about this.

Anyone who abuses another human being for whatever reason and in whatever way is an absolute abomination and deserves everything the law can throw at them.

I am not going to draw up a hierarchy of ‘the worst sort of abuse’. Because they are all horrendous, and lists tend to trivialise things. Nevertheless, there is something particularly appalling about young people being abused for the gratification of adults who are in positions of authority or power. It is a breach of trust and a horrific violation.

And anyone who can be shown to have covered it up deserves to have the full force of the law thrown at them as well.

I hope that is clear and unambiguous enough for any of the hard-of-thinking who may stumble upon this blog and have it read out to them (presumably with the longer words carefully explained).

The recent revelations about the experiences of some youth players in England have brought the issue of child abuse in football back into the spotlight. While we would all prefer that such disgusting things had never happened, it is good to see the truth emerging. Let us hope that those responsible can be held to account, and the victims offered support.

Worryingly, it is being suggested that the recent revelations are just the tip of an appalling iceberg. We will have to see what happens, but hopefully justice will prevail and anyone who has suffered will be offered help.

Most rational folk have looked at recent developments with a feeling of horror, and experienced an overwhelming desire to see the truth uncovered and acted upon.

But not the worst of the morons who lurk on Twitter and elsewhere. These folk see a golden opportunity to have a bit of fun (because child abuse is an absolute hoot isn’t it?) and score points against opposition clubs. The most obvious example is those who are fixated on Celtic FC over some appalling past events. Events which have been investigated and for which those responsible were punished. But there are morons ‘supporting’ all clubs whose behaviour is just as bad.

The jibes of these invertebrates have been popping up all over Twitter in response to comments about the latest news, and completely randomly in the middle of unrelated conversations about the state of Scottish football. You can practically feel their trembling sweaty excitement at the possibility of being able to make hay over some appalling crimes.

And all of this is done with absolutely no consideration for the victims of abuse or their families. People who had their lives damaged or ruined in the most appalling way, and who continue to live with the consequences of it every hour of every single day.

I have no doubt that they are absolutely devastated to see their trauma being treated as ‘banter’ by pond life who can’t get through the day without being utterly consumed by their need to ‘score’ the very cheapest of morally bankrupt points against a football club.

Child abuse is utterly abhorrent.

No ifs, no buts.

The people who perpetrate it are disgusting. They deserve no sympathy and should be hauled before the courts.

But if you think child abuse is funny or valid grounds for pursuing a sordid little vendetta against a football club then you need to take a long hard look at yourself. Assuming you can see any sort of reflection in the mirror.

Because you make the plight of the victims much worse and are a disgrace to whatever shred of humanity you purport to possess.

Thanks for reading.