Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Statement From The Squirrel Party

Good Afternoon.

The following completely fictitious ‘statement’ has made its way to Clumpany Towers. I am publishing it for your information…

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A Statement From The Squirrel Party

The Squirrel Party has had contact with a number of its members over the past few weeks. They have been concerned about the person who keeps coming into Rangers* games with the world’s biggest ghetto blaster and playing songs such as The Billy Boys, F*ck The Pope and Lisbon Lions Won’t See Ten-In-A-Row at such ear-shredding volume that it is easy to mistake it for the massed voices of over 40,000 people.

This shadowy anonymous figure is giving the haters and rabid agenda-driven politicians and journalists an excuse to criticise the exemplary behaviour of the most Loyal fans in the world. Fans who typically remain mute throughout games save for the occasional round of applause and twirling of their old-school football rattles.

We can confirm that we have written to the relevant authorities, politicians and journalists to put them in the picture about the mysterious owner of the ghetto blaster, who we are referring to as ‘Timmy’ in the hope of blame being deflected elsewhere in Glasgow.

We have also demanded an explanation from these reckless commentators who claim to have witnessed a presumably tiny minority of our fans tapping a single toe to the ghetto-blasted music. We have pointed out to these spiteful individuals that it is a natural human instinct to tap your toe to music, and therefore any effort to criticise Rangers* fans for doing so is nothing less than a disgraceful attempt to dehumanise them.

It has also come to our attention that elected politicians may seek to re-examine the concept of sectarianism and make recommendations about how it should be redefined in Scots law.

Let us be absolutely clear about this. Until we are certain that ‘Scot’ is not the mysterious owner of the ghetto blaster that is generating unfair criticism of Rangers* supporters, he has no place in making laws to hold them to account.

As an interim measure, we have suggested to the footballing authorities that if anyone is upset by the ghetto blaster then they should wear earplugs to matches.

We await further developments with concern. Meanwhile, The Squirrel Party will continue to do what it can, with very limited resources (*cough* only joking Mr King…), to tackle any unfair or malicious comments about our Loyal support and its occasional isolated instances of toe tapping.

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Meanwhile, in other news…

Response To Public Comments Made About The Rangers* Support

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

An Exciting Commercial Partnership

Good Evening.

Here is a statement from Clumpany Towers:

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The Clumpany Announces A New Gaping Partnership

The Clumpany is absolutely delighted to announce a very special gaping partnership for the coming season.

The Clumpany said: “I am thrilled to welcome my new gaping partners to my portfolio. I don’t actually have a portfolio, but it is a great word to use, and so I am sticking with it”.

Gaping Bampots will become the official ‘gaping partner’ of The Clumpany, with plans to gape in wonder and laugh out loud at Sevco next season. An official Clumpany range of piss-takes will also be launched.

Gaping Bampots’ spokesman @FrPaulStone commented, “We’re delighted to announce our partnership with The Clumpany. This will facilitate more gaping with utter derision at Sevco. What’s more, it will help Bampots stay on the rewarding path to passing out from the realisation that many Sevco fans really do believe the shit that they are spoon fed via the media.

“And by the way, that money really was just resting in my account.”

With over 100 guffaw-worthy occurrences per week, many of which are not fully covered by the mainstream media, The Clumpany’s Gaping Partnership is committed to helping every Bampot to free themselves from the constraints of traditional newspapers and broadcast media.

@FrPaulStone continued: “Our aim is to help Bampots when making the switch from thinking ‘Sevco is a ridiculous and baselessly-arrogant enterprise’ to actually rolling around on the floor asking their personal deity to relieve them from the agonies of split sides.

“We provide advice to every Bampot who rocks up scarcely able to believe the absolute state of Sevco. Our network helps them to find the right outlets for their pants-pissing mirth. Whether that be Tweeting, blogging or calling up Clyde SSB.

“We know it can be a daunting journey becoming a fully-committed Bampot. However, as the Sevco-mocking specialists, we know that we can help.

“We pride ourselves on absolutely ripping the piss. With a huge variety of jibes to choose from, we can provide hilarity to suit each individual customer. The right quip is always at hand.

“Clumpany Gaping will will be fully accredited as ‘obsessed’ and will support Bampots old and new on their way to provoking a (lame-arsed) reaction from an online Sevco supporters.

“Rest assured, we have a wealth of liquidation -confirming information available at all times to help any Bampot looking to join this never-ending fun. Pop by Clumpany Towers to find out more.”

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Meanwhile, in other news… 😉

Rangers and Vaporized Partnership

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Money And Sporting Advantage

Good Evening.

The Clumpany’s ethereal eye was caught by this piece in the Daily Record (yes, it still exists…).

How I laughed at the idea that having more money available to spend on players might confer a sporting advantage!

What a ridiculous suggestion!

I assumed that the Record’s finest subsequently took Mr Windass outside and gave him a stern talking-to for making such an outrageous claim.

After all, we have been left in no doubt in recent years that having more money to spend on players does not result in greater success in Scottish football.

The very idea is clearly absurd.

However, as a humanitarian-minded ethereal entity I couldn’t help but be concerned for Windass after his unfortunate and humiliating mistake. After all, it can’t be nice to be in a position where your basic beliefs about how sport operates in Scotland are utterly toxic to those around you. Especially if the mass media is likely to be on your back.

So I gave Windass a call to see how he was.

To my astonishment he was absolutely fine!

He said that the Sevco PR operation had told him that the Record knew exactly where he was coming from, and that his comments had been great!

Confused, I asked Mr Windass what he meant by this.

He explained that the PR operation had instructed him that he had correctly referred to Celtic shamefully having more money to spend than the Ibrox outfit. As such, he had created an opportunity to put the ‘obsessed’ in their place and confirm the magnitude of Rangers’* historic achievements.

Windass told me that “the helpful PR person” had then reassured him that despite what almost everyone believed, and despite what the taxman may assert, the ‘same club’ ‘Rangers’ had actually always paid its players in chocolate coins. Chocolate coins which were also available to all other clubs in various pound shops across Scotland. Especially at Christmas, but also (preferably) in the New Year when they were often priced at two or three packs for a pound.

The truth of the matter, Windass was ‘told’, was that ‘Rangers’ NEVER had more actual money to spend than their rivals. Their alleged wealth back in the day was all based on chocolate coins.

As such, the Sevco PR operation was happy to endorse Windass’s views in the Record this week. Indeed, they felt that they were helpful in managing the expectations of fans who need to know that Celtic are brazenly spending their own money on players without so much as a by your leave.

So there you have it. Rangers gained no sporting advantage from having more money to spend on players than their competitors.

They only had chocolate.

And Celtic are ruining Scottish football by having their own hard-earned money to spend on better players as they see fit.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a big ‘WTF?’ at apparent inconsistencies in the ongoing Sevco reportage…

Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Where’s Ma Seat, Billy?

Good Morning.

I had a call from my good pal Alan last week. It was good to hear from him as I can’t remember the last time I saw him.

He’d been out shopping and wanted to tell me what he’d seen. After buying a pineapple, spark plugs, a pint of diesel, and a small box of After Eight Mints [don’t ask…] he popped into DFS. He wasn’t wanting to get anything there, but heard an altercation going on so couldn’t resist taking a peek.

Apparently a couple wearing Sevco tops were arguing the toss with the manager. Alan gathered that the man was called Billy and his wife was named Billie. They had gone in to buy a new sofa as their wee twins Billy and Billie had ruined the old one reenacting the Battle of the Boyne using real horses that they had somehow brought into the house.

Mr and Mrs McStauch were aggrieved that every single sofa in the shop had already been sold. No matter how many different sofas they asked about the story was always the same: it had been sold to another customer.

What made it worse was that the folk who had bought the sofas were still in the shop.

And they were gloating about the quality, comfort and price of their purchase.

And every single one of them was a Celtic fan.

Wearing the Hoops.

As you can imagine, Billy and Billie were having none of this. They accosted the shop manager and complained loudly that it wasn’t fair that they had missed out on ‘their’ sofa and they were going to have to go elsewhere on account of the “Bheasts” not knowing their place.

The manager apologised, but said that the company was in the business of making money. As such, the cash of people who were (somewhat implausibly) all called ‘Timmy’ and able to pay quickly was perfectly welcome in the store.

Alan tells me that this only served to wind-up Mr and Mrs McStaunch even more. They started shouting and saying that the board of the company would be hearing about this. During the course of their epic rant it turned out that the sofa situation wasn’t the only seating aggravation they had experienced that day:

  • Mr McStaunch had found himself unable to have his morning hour-long dump at home. He’d gone into the bathroom and found his practical-joking neighbour Timmy O’Timothy sat on the toilet whistling Oh What A Beautiful Morning.
  • Their efforts to relax in the park were thwarted when every single bench was taken by Celtic fans who were singing You’ll Never Walk Alone at them.
  • A Celtic-supporting Doctor laughed at Mrs McStauch when he said “take a seat” and she fell on her arse because the Celtic-supporting nurse whipped away the chair.

And finally…

  • Mr and Mrs McStaunch had to stand all the way on the bus to DFS because an unlikely number of Hoops-wearing Celtic fans had got on at the previous stop and taken all of the seats.

In the end, the DFS manager tried to calm them down by saying that he might be able to help them by letting them in on a trade secret.

Intrigued, the McStaunches stopped shouting.

The manager explained that despite what everyone thinks, DFS actually sells a sofa that is not in the sale. Just one. And they could buy it provided that they promised never to speak of it to anyone.

Sadly, the news that the sofa had to be paid for in full, upfront and in cash prompted Mr and Mrs McStaunch to go off the deep end and shout something about onerous financial terms being a perfectly sensible way of paying for things.

Alan tells me that in the end the aggrieved pair stormed out of the shop saying that they would “Give fucking Timmy what’s coming from our seats in the Broomloan at the Old Firm* game on Sunday.”

Oh dear.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Scottish Football, Sevco, SFA

The Dark-Clothing Support Group

Good Morning.

The Clumpany would like to take this opportunity to salute a group of hitherto-unsung volunteers.

Despite the deplorable choices made by some of those in authority, we are still fortunate to live in an era where so many folk are willing to go the extra mile to make the world a better place.

And it is with this in mind that The Clumpany would like to draw attention to the unstinting efforts of a very special group of community workers who walk among us of a weekend.

Let us be clear: this merry band of selfless individuals gave up their free time this Sunday to walk any lost football fans to a game in Glasgow.

Not only that, in spite of rumours that certain folk going about their business in Glasgow might be narrow-minded and intolerant, this heroic band of Crusaders for Free Expression made a point of letting it be known that they would actively welcome any Celtic fans, Catholics and Irish people who were in need of a warm, civic embrace.

Their only ask was that folk would signal their entitlement to a hug by wearing some dark clothing. 😉

Bless them for their unrelenting efforts to build a more tolerant society.

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

What’s The MSM Daein Tom?

Good Evening

And still it keeps on coming.

No matter how many hard facts stare them in the face.

No matter that they unreservedly reported on a death at Ibrox in 2012.

No matter that every single aspect of Sevco’s DNA points to a new club trying to find its way amid ever-increasing debts.

No matter that the RIFC Chairman is a convicted criminal who hasn’t yet delivered the over-investment promised in 2015.

No matter that the Takeover Panel has taken unprecedented action to enforce a ruling under section 955 of the Companies Act 2006 which compels the said Chairman to put down a large amount of money (that could have otherwise been used for over-investment) to potentially buy out small-scale investors that the law is designed to protect.

No matter that upbeat propaganda doesn’t result in sporting ability.

No matter that Jim Traynor could yet turn out to be the rights holder of the ever-expanding Emperor’s New Clothes Franchise.

Despite all of this, the MSM still managed to behave as though the Rangers of Great Borrower David Murray was still with us and was about to take a big step towards toppling the heirs of Fergus McCann this past weekend.

And yet the latest Ibrox-based club still managed to come unstuck 3-2 to the 10-man Celtic! With great goals scored by quality players payed for by properly-taxed revenues.

Will the MSM ever learn?

No.

Because they don’t want to.

In the face of overwhelming and doubtless dispiriting evidence, their long-running David Murray-based wet dream still keeps their output well-lubricated.

And so I simply say this to them: GIRUY you narrow-minded betrayers of the profession and sport you purport to love.

GIRUY, you liquidation-denying apologists for cheating and the stiffing of the public purse.

Your hopes for cheap ‘title-race’ headlines went up in smoke. Like the corpse of the late Rangers Football Club did back in the day.

I can only hope that you savoured the moment as much as the rest of us did.

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Stark Reminder To Liquidation Deniers

Good Evening.

The Clumpany was struck by this tweet and quote published by Sevco FC earlier today.

Like many folk on social media, The Clumpany greatly appreciated the frank admission from Sevco’s own current manager that the basket of assets still seeks its first (major) trophy.

Well done Mr Murty! You are clearly made of strong, truth-embracing stuff.

The Clumpany now looks forward to a tranquil state of acceptance finally washing over the Deluded State of Sevconia.

It was never going to be easy for them to accept that their sense of superiority is as baseless as their first club’s latter-day creditworthiness, but surely NOW – almost six years on – they are finally ready to embrace a truth that we all saw unfolding in 2012?

Let us keep the liquidation deniers in our thoughts during this difficult time as they come to terms with the Sevco manger confirming the creditor-stiffing truth that they perhaps would rather not see. Ever.

And in completely unrelated news, can I send the Evening Shark-Jump’s finest my unreserved compliments of this latest Rangers-free season? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, they can lie, lie and lie again, but we all saw what happened in 2012