Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football

Emergency Assistance For Celtic Fans

Were you upset by Neil Lennon cupping his ears during today’s lively Celtic-Hibs League Cup semi-final?

Were you tempted to call the police about Lennon’s actions?

Were you thinking that it was an absolute outrage that a successful Fenian tried to engage in faintly-mocking banter?

Do you feel that you deserve better?

Do you feel that Lennon doesn’t know his place when encountering a Big Team?

Are you convinced that Neil Lennon just can’t help himself?

Do you want to see Lennon crushed because of his uppity activities?

Do you think Lennon has got away with his ‘shameless provocation’ for far too long?

No? Excellent! You must be a human being with a sense of perspective about a game of football.

Have you therefore ever thought of undertaking educational missionary work with those less-fortunate? Namely Sevco fans?

If so, please call Club 1872. Not to offer any assistance, but to simply deliver the heartfelt guffawing they are due.😉


Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Dave King’s Devastating Millions

Good Evening.

Disturbing rumours reach Clumpany Towers that Dave King might not have ready access to a whopping great pile of cash. The sort of whopping great pile of cash that could easily be mistaken for a “children’s inheritance” or a bright new future for the samest ‘same club’ in all of Scottish ‘Sameclubdom’.

If confirmed, the absence of such a whopping great pile of cash would be a huge shock, not only for The Clumpany and Sevco fans, but also for any consequently-feeling-light-blue legions in the Scottish sports media who trumpeted Dave King’s Takeover of ‘Rangers’ (in entirely coincidental association with a triumvirate of passing ursine folk) in 2015.

The Clumpany is sure that Dave King definitely has a whopping great pile of cash to spend on Ibrox-based football. Indeed it is a whopping great pile of cash underpinned by staunch Rangers Manliness:

Dear SFA: Please ‘Release the (Dave King) Pounds’…

Lifestyles of the Glib and Shameless

The Clumpany simply cannot come to terms with any scenario in which Dave King might not have readily-available cash to take ‘Rangers’ to glory.

The Clumpany therefore stands with the Scottish sports media in having complete confidence in the ready-to-deploy-in-over-investment nature of Dave King’s whopping great pile of cash. What’s more, The Clumpany is prepared to bow before the ‘coming’ nature of ‘Rangers’ and its triumph-certain follow-followers.

The Clumpany’s only regret at this exciting time is that it cannot see its ethereal self in a mirror to administer the stern-talking to it clearly needs about quite how badly Dave King’s millions are about to grind the rest of Scottish football into dust.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Carlos Peña: Total Genius

Good Evening.

Long-suffering readers will be aware that The Clumpany is always delighted to encounter earnest upwardly-mobile Scottish football pundits.

No pearl of wisdom which they impart is EVER less than metaphor-mixing music to my ears. And so it was today that they managed to put me straight on a number of highly important matters when I least expected it…

There I was savouring a particularly enjoyable cup of early-morning coffee when one of them popped up to tell me that Carlos Peña had played an important – if imperceptible – role in its preparation.

Refreshed, I then took a stroll around the extensive parklands surrounding Clumpany Towers. Whereupon a pundit popped up to tell me that their beauty was down to Carlos Peña’s ability with a hedge trimmer, a lawnmower and a well-deployed pile of manure.

After my morning constitutional, I read the Sunday Mail and unsurprisingly got a bit of a headache. So I took some paracetamol. And just as I swallowed them, another of the wannabe pundits popped up and said “you see that medical science? That’s Carlos Peña, that is. An unsung pharmaceutical genius!”.

Later, I popped out for a pint. There was a new guest beer on at my local so I gave it a try. I must admit that it was quite nice. And just as I was about to order another pint, one of those pundits popped up again and informed me that Carlos Peña was behind the micro-brewery that produced it! Who knew?!

After visiting the pub toilets – where a pundit informed me that Carlos Peña had performed miracles with the plumbing following the shower of shite left by the Scottish sports desks on a previous visit – I went back to Clumpany Towers and enjoyed a bacon sandwich.

To my astonishment it turned out that the tasty snack was completely made from ingredients sourced from Carlos Peña’s hitherto-unknown farm. Those pundits really are a fountain of knowledge!

I then watched some sport in The Clumpany Towers multimedia complex. Flicking through the channels, I was astonished to be informed by pundits (who somehow arrived in contravention of Clumpany security protocols) that Carlos Peña was having a great game in the netball, football, golf, tennis and NFL all at the same time!

What a guy!

Carlos Peña really does have hidden talents. Let us all take a moment – and possibly a subscription – to salute his multiple skills!

Now, if only Carlos Peña could mix a decent Buckie and Bleach cocktail…

What’s that you say, pundits? Carlos Peña has a well-equipped alcohol-production facility at a monastery? AND a chemical plant?


What a time to be alive!

Cheers Carlos! And thank you to all the pundits who keep the Peña flame burning. Without you, we really would think that he is utterly shite.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun.

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Scott Brown Does Nothing Wrong

Good Evening.

You may have missed this article in an imaginary newspaper yesterday…


Scott Brown Never Touched That Caravan

Alfredo Morelos went down after no Scott Brown-related incident, and the Hoops skipper will quite reasonably face no disciplinary action.

By A. Realist

Celtic skipper Scott Brown will face no action because nothing happened at Ibrox.

Ibrox boss Pedro Caixinha was left seething for no apparent reason, however he accused Brown of aiming an elbow at his player. Or was it an arse? Pedro doesn’t know one from the other.

The pair even ended up nose-to-nose as the teams made their way down the tunnel at half-time and Brown was heard to say, “if you don’t have a team talk to give, do you mind fetching me another pair of slippers for the second half? And maybe the paper to read? And say hi to Kenny Miller for me if you are still speaking”.

Nothing untoward happened seconds before the interval as Brown played football in the general vicinity of Morelos.

In a shock development, referee Craig Thomson did not blow for a foul because there was clearly no foul to penalise. And as a direct consequence of nothing happening, Scottish Football Association compliance officer Tony McGlennan has decided that nothing happened and he has gone for an early lunch to watch Bargain Hunt on the canteen TV.

Celtic striker Leigh Griffiths is also in the clear after doing nothing that could possibly leave him in any state other than in the clear. Gers* fans had wanted him taken to task for some random thing they thought they could pretend to take offence at.

The decision not to sanction Brown for doing nothing will inexplicably anger Caixinha, who warned the Celtic captain he would have sorted him out like an untidy caravan had he been on the pitch.

“I was angry at half-time, did you see it?” asked Pedro after the defeat which has seen his team slip further into the mire of failure.

“It’s the second time it happened. It was the same in April. I saw Brown’s elbows. This is not good for my players, but more importantly imaginary swinging elbows make a mess inside an imaginary caravan. I told the fourth official as well as the Caravan and Camping Club – but they let it go.

“Scott Brown was coming off and I told him, ‘You mess up that caravan, but if I was on the pitch you wouldn’t. The cushions would be straight, the washing up would have been done, a small lamp would have been switched on and some soothing music would have been playing’.

“I wouldn’t have allowed him to put his recyclable bottle of water in the wrong bin. If someone does something which may cause dogs to bark at the caravan I have to defend my caravan, my bins and the pleasant ambience of surprisingly-inexpensive mobile accommodation.

“If they don’t think it’s an outrage worthy of punishment it’s their decision. I need to respect while making plans to tidy the caravan.

“If I was in the caravan and I had to see Brown or other people like him causing untidiness with their elbows it would be a different thing. It was a shame that I couldn’t be in the caravan because I know the desire for order and caravan cleanliness I have.”

However, former English top-flight referee and suspected caravan enthusiast Dermot Gallagher played down the non-incident on the basis that absolutely nothing happened. Caravan-based or otherwise.

He told Sky Sports News: “I don’t know what’s upsetting Pedro, but there’s definitely nothing occurring in the film of the non-incident. Zero, zilch, nothing.

“I’ve seen caravans. Big things they are. They could do some real damage on a football pitch. There was no caravan there. Or camper van. Or tent. Not even an AGM gazebo. And you can’t miss a gazebo. Lovely animals. They are not keen on lions though. OOFT! I’ve seen them on wildlife documentaries. You get a lioness and a gazebo and there’s only one winner. And it’s not Dave King’s annual effort to secure the disapplication of preemption rights.”

And former Rangers* striker Steven Thompson claims Caixinha should be more concerned with the things that aren’t happening with his own side.

“I was bit embarrassed for Pedro Caixinha if I’m being honest,” the pundit told BBC Scotland’s ‘BarelyAnyFootballScenes’ programme. “He was trying to create a caravan kerfuffle, but he should be concentrating on nothing happening in defence, midfield, attack or in terms of credible tifos

“There was nothing in it. Scott Brown certainly didn’t ransack an imaginary caravan.”


And if you think the above is ridiculous… 😉

Celtic skipper Scott Brown won’t face SFA action over alleged elbow on Alfredo Morelos


Further caravan shenanigans can be found here:

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

The True Story Of Pedro’s Caravan

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Please Swallow The Lie!

Good Evening.

One of the less-celebrated facets of Scottish football is its rare capacity to allow us to savour a cliche transformed into reality.

We all laugh at BBC Scotland for being the sort of organisation that might have EBT recipients offering supposedly-worthwhile punditry. And we guffaw at them for doing so without a word of context about how their insights were obtained via a tax-avoiding scheme. A scheme that was trashed by the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom which ruled that the public purse had been left bereft of a lot of due funds.

What’s more, we piss ourselves at Clyde for being the sort of station that might possibly employ a relentless cheerleader of all things Ibrox such as Derek Johnstone. And for possibly doing so without worrying that the entire population of the Universe blessed with the ability to hear might one day accuse them of being a joke outfit.

And we also guffaw at the Scottish printed press for collectively being the sort of outlets that could conceivably regurgitate any old Ibrox-sympathetic crap in the name of selling papers

However we know that those things are ultimately untrue and that we have no reasonable choice other than to reflect that we are being paranoid.

We naturally assume that our suspicion of a Scottish sports media willing to allow a grievous assault on both facts and our intelligence is nothing more than a ridiculous fantasy.

This is – no doubt – a view that is shared by the sports desks of Scotland.

Nevertheless, once in a while we see something like the Sevco PR operation shouting down a journalist in a press conference and insisting that the ‘club’ Rangers wasn’t liquidated in 2012.

Jim Traynor stretches our credulity [Link via @gibbygibbo1]

And at that point you really can’t help but wonder whether you and and the entire national sport of Scotland are having the piss taken out of you on a grand scale.

I am sure the Scottish mainstream media will be along shortly to challenge Jim Traynor’s assertions rather than risk sentient humanity wondering whether our cliched expectations of spinelessness were actually correct.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Charge Of The Shite Brigade

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany has been highly amused by the efforts of the Sevco spin machine to suggest that although they may have recently missed out on securing the services of Hearts’ Jamie Walker, it was a glorious ‘failure’, with Sevco fighting valiantly and emerging from the saga with their ‘heroic’ reputation intact.

However, I would be very surprised to see any mainstream outlet publish the following ‘epic’ ode to their endeavours…


The Charge of the Shite Brigade

Half a mill, half a mill,
Half a million offered,
All in the Window of Transfer
Bid, but Ped blundered.
“Forward, the Spin Brigade!
Charges for PR!”
Jim said.
Into the Window Transfer
Bid, but Ped blundered.

“Forward, the Spin Brigade!”
Was J. Walker dismayed?
Not though the Jambo knew
Bold Ped had blundered.
Offer not worth reply,
Offer makes you ask “why?”
Offer Budge left to die.
Into the Window Transfer
Bid, but Ped blundered.

Record to right of them,
Shark-Jump to left of them,
Walker in front of them
Dodoo offer. Scunnered!;
Instalment plan, all is not well,
Lacking cash, what a smell,
Into the Window Transfer.
Into Sky’s ‘White crap’ hell
Bid, but Ped blundered.

Flashed all their wallets bare,
Flashed as they offered thin air,
Savouring the media’s glare,
Charging at Walker, while
All Bampots wondered.
Plunged in spin’s mirrors and smoke
No real story was broke;
Cheering and pushing
Reeled from the fatal stroke!
Battered spin sundered.
Then they rowed back, but hid
“Bid, but Ped blundered”.

Record to right of them,
Shark-Jump to left of them,
Walker in front of them
Dodoo offer. Scunnered!
Instalment plan, all is not well,
While the Walker bid fell.
They who had spun so well
Came through Window Transfer
Back from Sky’s ‘White Crap’ hell,
All that was left of it,
Bid, but Ped blundered.

When will their bullsh*t fade?
O PR charge they made!
All Bampots wondered.
Honour the PR they made!
Honour the Spin Brigade,
Bid, but Ped blundered!


With apologies to Alfred, Lord Tennyson, here is the original:

The Charge of the Light Brigade


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

A Royal Piss-Take

Good Afternoon.

Every now and then The Clumpany’s favourite attempted newspaper treats us to something that makes you stop and ask “who thought that was a good idea?”.

This week has been one of those times, for the Evening Shark-Jump has brought us extracts from a new book by none other than former Rangers (IL) player Andrei Kanchelskis.

My good friend Wikipedia reminds me that Kanchelskis played 76 games and scored 13 goals for the dearly-departed Ibrox club between 1998 and 2002. So he’s not exactly a ‘club legned’.

Nevertheless, that hasn’t stopped the Evening Shark-Jump from REALLY going to town on his autobiography. In fact they’ve gone to town, come back, gone to town again, come back and gone to town yet again. A cursory glance at the paper’s website reveals that seven articles have been generated on the back of this ‘exclusive’ [BTW is there such a thing as “The ‘Exclusive’ No One Else Wanted”?!].

My favourite of these space-filling spectaculars may also be one of the very best non-stories ever vomited out about an Ibrox-based football club.

Here it is:

Glasgow Chinese restaurant SNUBBED Prince Charles so they could feed Rangers team instead

Yes that’s right.“Man didn’t go into restaurant because it was full”.

Have you ever seen the like?

Has humanity ever witnessed such absolute scenes?

I think not.

My only regret is that cameras were not there to capture this dramatic event for future generations to marvel at…

Some might argue that the ‘involvement’ of the heir to the throne and a big Scottish football club makes the ‘story’ interesting.

Others might suggest that anything which preserves the memory of the late Light Blues is to be cherished and disseminated by the media.

However, I am calling ‘bullshit’ on the whole sorry spectacle.

If this is news and worthy of column inches then I have plenty of other exclusives for the Evening Shark-Jump.

  • Henry VIII never ate at the Captain’s table on board the Titanic.
  • Robert the Bruce didn’t visit a Glasgow branch of Subway for a sandwich and then find himself surprised that he couldn’t also catch an underground train from there.
  • Queen Victoria never went to KFC, but if she had she would have been shocked to find that Colonel Sanders wasn’t there serving behind the counter.
  • Mary Queen of Scots didn’t have a second job playing the part of Ronald McDonald at children’s parties in an Edinburgh branch of McDonalds.
  • Alexander the Great didn’t ever get a late night greasy Glasgow kebab as he traversed Asia conquering the known world.
  • Charles I never went into a pub called ‘The King’s Head’ and found himself staring in horror at his own severed head which was kept in a jar behind the bar.
  • The present Queen doesn’t spend her Saturday afternoons in a van outside Ibrox selling burgers made from the King of Norway’s huskies which she stole during a clandestine midnight operation.

Meanwhile, in Monday’s Evening Shark-Jump we can look forward to ex-Rangers players telling us about how they never saw the late Emperor Hirohito of Japan shopping in Primark.

Heaven help us all…