Media, Satire, Sevco

An Update From The Keeper Of Squirrels

Good Evening.

The Clumpany finds itself able to bring you some truly shocking wildlife news.

A man famous for being the nation’s foremost Keeper of Squirrels has been spotted undertaking some squirrel-based activity.

I know, amazing isn’t it?

The gentleman in question has a dignified track record of nurturing squirrels and releasing them into the wild just as soon as they are able to spray the surrounding area in jet-powered, squirrel-based effluent.

And today he really hasn’t held back. Normally the squirrels are allowed to do squirrel-type things in their squirrel-like way, while the Keeper Of Squirrels sits back and expects the squirrel-spotters of the Scottish mainstream squirrel media to report squirrel tidings as if there is no squirrel tomorrow.

But tonight the Keeper Of Squirrels has stunned squirrel-spotters everywhere by releasing himself into the wild! Quite what the other squirrels make of this remains to be seen.

We can be pretty certain that the Scottish mainstream squirrel media will simply carry the usual sort of squirrel-based news tomorrow.

However, tonight, veteran observers of the Keeper Of Squirrels have already been heard to say “f*ck me, it’s an unusually eye catching squirrel-based development for the Keeper Of Squirrels to come out into broad daylight and squirrel for the squirrelling delight of the squirrel-loving public. I wonder what’s going on?”.

Suggestions that veteran cynical observers of the Keeper of Squirrels could ‘smell a rat’ were initially greeted with delight by the Keeper Of Squirrels… until he realised that he hadn’t actually fooled them and that ‘smell a rat’ was just a figure of speech way more subtle than anything he had ever managed to write… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

 

 

Media, Satire, Sevco

Stewart Robertson’s Four Point Plan To Improve Sportscene

192550219

Hi.

I’m Stewart Robertson. I’m definitely not Jim Traynor. Nor are the words I am about to say his idea. No siree. In fact I’ve never heard of Jim Traynor and I’ve never been to the squirrel breeding laboratory this non-person hasn’t constructed at an… errr… secret location at No-Longer Murray Park.

I’m here to give you a few of my squirrels… small bushy-tailed creatures… err… ideas about how the BBC’s disgraceful flagship Rangers*-hating programme can be improved.

Because we… I mean I… believe we have the best fans in the world and they deserve better than to be subjected to the sort of footballing apartheid implemented on a weekly basis by Sportscene.

So here is my plan:

Point One: Send Chris McLaughlin to a desert island and never speak of him again.
Everyone knows that Rangers’* appalling treatment by the BBC stems from our perfectly reasonable refusal to let Mr McLaughlin into our ground after he…err… what was it? After he did something in… when was it? F*cking hell, that’s ages ago! Can’t we just move… oh yes, the script…

Yes, Rangers* took a stand over McLaughlin’s shameful ‘stuff wot he did’ and now the BBC doesn’t like it. I am sure if we can just drop Chris out of an aeroplane on to a desert island and forget he ever happened all might be well. We might even give him a parachute. OK, maybe half a parachute. Either way, I am sure he will be grateful for our legnedary generosity.

Point Two: Remove the guillotine from the studio.
It says here – and I obviously agree because these are my thoughts – that for too long the Sportscene presenter and pundits have got away with bringing an effigy of a Rangers* player into the studio with a light blue shirt, and a pumpkin for a head, and guillotining it for the so-called ‘entertainment’ of the viewing public. Enough is enough. None of our players looks like a pumpkin. They might have the positional sense and tactical nous of a pumpkin but that’s an entirely different matter.

Oh, and the guillotine has to go too. Why can’t they just give Rangers* a fair crack of the whip? But not an actual whip. Sportscene has been too violent towards Rangers* for far too long.

Point Three: Replace the presenters and pundits with robots.
Rangers’* top scientists have produced a trio of ‘JimboTraynortron 1872’ robots which will do a far better, and less Rangers*-hating job of presenting Scottish football than the current motley crew. Here they are:

Bins

Their extensive speech programming will enable them to analyse the sport in all the detail any reasonable viewer could wish, and extends to a full eight words:
“I fancy Rangers* to win the league this season”.

Point Four: Don’t show any SPFL Premiership football matches whatsoever.
Let’s be honest, they barely ever show any actual football action on Sportscene, so no one should mind if they completely do away with the pretendy coverage of the weekend’s games.

This proposal is so simple that even the BBC – drowning as it is in a bath of anti-Rangers* bile – can implement it. All they have to do is to finally give Rangers* fans the value for their licence fee to which they are entitled by sticking on a 9-in-a-row DVD and broadcasting it to the nation’s homes. Any other fans who don’t like this can turn over and watch something else instead. This is a fundamental matter of ensuring equality of superiority for the world’s most successful* club*. Unevenhanded treatment isn’t much to ask for.

In conclusion, I am sure that no one in their right mind could possibly disagree with my light blueprint for the u̶n̶c̶o̶n̶d̶i̶t̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶r̶e̶n̶d̶e̶r̶ restoration of Sportscene to credibility.

Could they?

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Gerrard, Sevco

Gerrard’s Bus

Gerrard's Bus
The #1 bus (formerly the #55) zooms past, leaving Stevie G behind….

Good Evening.

To the tune of The Who’s ‘Magic Bus’…

>>>>>>
Gerrard’s Bus

Every time they manage to lose. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Or make a mistake, I feel so Light Blue. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Players nervous, they just have to hide. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
‘Cos Stevie’s gonna say something snide. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)

Thank you, Dave King, for bringing me here. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I’ll be detested have no fear. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
This rookie’s gonna cause a fuss. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I’ll throw them under Gerrard’s Bus! (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Sevcooooooooo!

I don’t care how hard they try. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Just one poor pass, I’ll hang them out to dry. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty. Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty. (They can’t have it!)

Grumbling and scowling every day. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Just for Second place, maybe. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Grumbling and scowling every day. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Because I know I’m losing my way. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)

Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.

I said, now they’re under Gerrard’s Bus. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I said, now they’re under Gerrard’s Bus. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Because I know I’m losing my way. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
Each time I throw ’em a different way. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty…

Every day you’ll see lost trust. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
As I throw my players under Gerrard’s bus. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)

>>>>>>
With apologies to Pete Townshend, here is the magic original…

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

How To Celebrate A Sevco Victory

Good Evening.

Overheard in a pub a short while ago. Possibly.

Celtic fan #1: “F*ck me. That’s embarrassing. Shocking from Celtic. I can’t believe we lost to the new club. What the f*ck has the board been playing at? And what about the manager and players? Do they think that’s acceptable?”

Celtic fan #2: “I know mate. Disgraceful stuff. The pressure is on now to sort the side out for the rest of the season.”

Celtic fan #3: “Aye, we are still top, we won the League Cup and we are still in Europe, but FFS we will never hear the end of it. Lawwell and Rodgers better get things sorted for the rest of the season.”

Meanwhile, over in another corner of the pub, the chat is also all about football… 😉

Sevco fan #1: “F*cking brilliant. We showed those b*stard paedo Tarrier f*ckers why they should go home!”

Sevco fan #2 “Spot on. Fenian b*stards. They are a f*cking stain on society. We showed them. Dave King is definitely bringing us 55. They won’t be able to handle it. The smelly mhanky bheasts!”

Sevco fan #3 “Well said mate. We are The People and they are sub f*cking human. This is our country and they should know their place! The Gaffer is going to be a legend when he delivers 55! F*ck Brenda Rodgers”

Sevco fan #1: “Brenda? F*cking brilliant mate! The Tarriers don’t have banter like that!”

And in a reserved area of the pub there were a few Scottish football journalists…

Journo #1: “Fantastic game yesterday. Brilliant result! It’s like David Murray never left Ibrox!”

Journo #2: “Usually I pretend he hasn’t! But yeah, it’s absolutely f*cking fantastic!” [*Rubs self uncomfortably*]

Journo #3: “Are you OK mate? Only you look like you are in pain.”

Journo #2: “Well I overdid the celebrations yesterday.”

Journo #3: “How do you mean? You are rubbing your [*cough*] groin area FFS!”

Journo #2: “Aye well I might have accidentally rubbed all the skin off my c*ck in the excitement.”

Journo #1: “F*ck, I’m glad it’s not just me! I’ve been in agony all day, but have been trying to hide it!”

Journo #2: “Good to know you are on board! How about you pal? Any chafing after the big win?”

Journo #3: “Bloody hell. Some of us have been around long enough to still have our Rangers* 9-in-a-row lubricant when required. It’s all about keeping your dignity. No chafing or blisters here. And look how smooth my hands are as well…”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of (admittedly tasteless) satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

>>>>>>

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Careless hack given “mother of all b*llockings” by furious top brass at famous Scottish paper.

By A.N. Absolute-Disgrace.

One of Scotland’s most prominent journalists was left shaken last night after his boss threatened to sack him over an unfortunate mistake in his preview of the upcoming Old Firm-tastic Old Firm fixture.

The journalist concerned – who is well known as an Old Firm fan – is also understood to be fearing ostracism by his colleagues (unless of course they have an emu rather than an ostrich).

A source close to the usually tight-knit (OK yes they do actually wear polyester rather than wool) newsroom spoke to us on condition of anonymity (not that we have heard of them). They exclusively revealed the sorry tale which looks set to destroy the credibility of the legendary football scribe.

“I still can’t believe it”, said our eyewitness. “The journo submitted his piece, and put his coat on to leave for the day, when suddenly the editor…What do you mean? Yes of course we have editors. You don’t think we just produce our articles like a misfiring arse pebbledashes a bathroom wall do you?

“Oh you do… Anyway, the editor suddenly stormed into the open plan and literally dragged the journalist into a meeting room. He slammed him against the wall and started yelling at him. I’ve never heard swearing like it. Well not since some of my pals discovered that a debenture at Ibrox had nothing to do with the club but only with the liquidated COMPANY!”

Our shocked insider continued. “In between all the foul language we could make out that the journalist had submitted an Old Firm article the day before an Old Firm game which contained some words that were neither ‘Old’ nor ‘Firm’. What a schoolboy error!

“You go through all that Traynoring and also get some qualifications, and what do you do? You stupidly write an Old Firm article in Old Firm week that has words in it like ‘a’, ‘is’, to’ and ‘and’, which take up valuable space that could have been filled with ‘Old Firm’. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, apparently he also put some adjectives and – FFS – verbs in the piece as if they were going out of fashion.”

Shaking his head and eyeing up a potential future promotion opportunity, our source added: “How the hell does he expect to keep his job and maintain the respect of the rest of the press pack if he’s going to undermine our hard-won reputation by not writing articles that solely consist of the words ‘Old Firm’ in the week of an Old Firm-a-licious Old Firm game?”

The guilty hack has been warned not to repeat his grave error of judgement on pain of instant dismissal, and he has also been instructed to complete some mandatory re-Traynoring.

“Hopefully he’ll be OK” said our insider. “He’s been told he must write 10,000 lines of ‘I must always mention Old Firm’ on a blackboard.

“I just hope he has the brains to leave out the ‘I must always mention…’ part. Otherwise the boss will think he’s REALLY taking the p*ss.

“The boss doesn’t want to see anything other than ‘Old Firm’ in the sports pages.

“Ever”.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Handy Guide To The Latest Sevco Accounts

Good Evening.

Yes I know that the accounts published last week were those of RIFC, which is different to the engine room subsidiary once known as Sevco Scotland (or is it Sevco 5088?!).

I also know that RIFC is different to the ethereal ‘football club’ which UEFA will tell you is actually the legal entity once known as Sevco Scotland (or Sevco 5088?!), but NEVER to be mistaken for the club incorporated shortly before Queen Victoria passed away.

However, I wanted to refer to ‘Sevco’ in the title of this blog to cater for the possibility that Martin Williams might read this. And if he does, I would like him to note quite how much we are still laughing at his liquidation-denying Herald output.

Oh, and I also wanted to ask Martin if his fleet-footedness has yet secured him a gig with the Bolshoi Ballet. After all, if he can’t play a lead role in Swan Lake there must surely be an ironic bit-part for him as a dead-but-allegedly-still-living Norwegian Blue parrot.

Mustn’t there?

But I digress.

The main point of this attempted blog was simply to warn regular readers to continue to look out for a few potential pieces of misdirection which might cause them to think that all is well with the recent ‘Sevco’ accounts…

‘Turnover’ most certainly does not refer to what Sevco have done to Sports Direct in the courts.

‘Operating loss’ does not refer to a Glasgow surgeon who misplaced his Ibrox season book.

‘Going Concern warning’ is NOT an alert about an unreliable coach company.

‘Converting loans to equity’ does not imply a money-spinning convoluted player transfer to the actors’ trade union.

‘Concert party’ does not relate to a mistaken request from the Takeover Panel to borrow a box set of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum from Dave King.

‘Repaying the fans’ loyalty’ most certainly does not imply a refund.

I hope that clarifies matters.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Satire, Sevco

The Gap Is Finally Narrowing

Good Evening.

A few days ago, The Clumpany put an anvil and a racehorse next to each other.

I painted the anvil light blue. I got the paint cheap in a fire sale of someone’s assets, but thought it would probably catch the eye of some People if deployed in a pandering sort of way. I will admit that I originally envisaged a ‘panda’ing sort of way’ but the panda said “f*ck that. If I am heading towards extinction I want to preserve some self respect for posterity. You are not painting ME light blue.”

Which was fair enough. So I just painted the anvil instead.

I then plaited green and white ribbons into the mane and tail of the racehorse and it looked absolutely champion. So much so that seven times in a row I said to myself “that horse looks champion.”

And then, all of a sudden the racehorse darted off into the distance like the classy thoroughbred it is. My Lord I have never seen such speed. Neither had the crowd of 59,000 folk who had gathered to cheer it on, and who were wearing similar green and white attire.

Meanwhile, the light blue anvil sat there seemingly immobile.

I say ‘seemingly’ because a passing group of 800 People wearing light blue to show their support of the dead weight started cheering it on and claiming that the gap between the anvil and the horizon-reaching racehorse was actually narrowing.

I took issue with them and said that the thoroughbred was so far ahead that the anvil could never catch it. They said something about me being a ‘hater’, and before I could reply someone jumping a shark in an evening intervened and said “The gap is narrowing. That is all you need to believe. Did I say ‘believe’? I meant ‘know’. Forget I said ‘believe’. The FACT is that the gap is narrowing. That expensively-assembled anvil is going to beat the racehorse over the course of a season.

“No really”.

As you can imagine, I was utterly convinced by their argument…

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping