Media, Satire

The Day I Saw The Beatles Perform Live

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to share a very personal reminiscence with my long suffering readers.

It’s about the day I saw the Fab Four perform live!

I was very excited about it for days in advance. On the morning of the gig I was absolutely buzzing even though I hadn’t slept. I put some Beatles vinyl records on at maximum volume during breakfast, and played them at maximum volume.

It really set me up for the day! I was dancing in the kitchen, dancing in the shower, and dancing all the way to the gig.

Seriously, I practically floated to the venue because I was so unbelievably excited. I knew that I was going to scream from the first moment that John, Paul, George and Ringo walked on stage until well after they left, and I didn’t care who saw or heard me.

Because was going to see The Beatles!

And they didn’t disappoint! Sometimes you could barely hear them over the screaming, but it was an unbelievably brilliant show. Those voices! Those songs! And (let’s be honest) those suits and haircuts! OOFT!

I knew there and then that this was going to be an experience to treasure for ever and ever.

I had seen and heard The Beatles in person.

GET IN!

I can still remember the exact date and location of the concert.

It was on 29 July 2012 at Glebe Park, Brechin.

And if you are prepared to believe that steaming pile of bullshit you will also believe that the team that played Brechin City that day was the real Rangers FC rather than Sevco Scotland.

Goo goo g’joob.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, liquidation denial is a massive insult to your intelligence and a punch in the face for 276 creditors…

Celtic, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Reply To Celtic’s Statement

Good Evening.

Not coming to a ‘club’, ‘holding company’ or ‘engine room subsidiary’ website any time soon….

>>>>>>

Club Statement

Rangers* Football Club was appalled to see the inflammatory, entirely reasonable statement issued by Celtic FC this afternoon.

This unilateral act – which was disgracefully undertaken without the involvement of Rangers’* PR advisers – beggars belief.

This club has a long history (a REALLY long history) of feeling entitled to put Celtic in their place by any means we choose. It is an affront to the good reputation of Scottish football for Celtic to shrug its shoulders at our decision to cut their allocation and say “OK, two can play at that game”.

[*Insert sentence including a really long word out of context to try and appear clever and intimidating*]

For Celtic to demean Scottish football by looking out for their fans and not picking an argument with us is utterly intolerable and we expect the SFA, SPFL, and Emperor Palpatine to impose the harshest sanctions.

Twice.

Or maybe three times.

For the avoidance of doubt, Rangers* Football Club will work tirelessly to avoid all doubt in this completely undoubtable matter.

Let there be no doubt about it.

This club will not bow to Celtic’s attempts to create an uneven playing field in Scottish football by suggesting that they would be happy to discuss ticket allocations with us.

Our supporters will rightly expect us to issue outraged statements like this one over and over again during the next couple of weeks. We will not let them down.

It is entirely immaterial whether Rangers* Football Club is no position to lecture others about good conduct. We will not stand idly by and fail to make a lot of noise when we could instead be taking up Celtic’s offer to talk to us.

We cannot and will not pander to their completely reasonable and constructive attitude.

[*Mention ‘fiduciary duty’. It sounds impressive*]

For too long Rangers* Football Club has been treated generously by everyone in a position of power. This is not good enough. Everyone at the club demands an even better deal. This historic history-laden club insists that it should be handed everything on a plate. A silver one at that.

Celtic have gone too far in today’s reasonable and non-hostile statement. Enough is enough. We demand to be given a reason – no matter how flimsy – to absolutely lose our shit at the dignified approach of the Parkhead outfit.

BTW Season tickets are still available.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

How To Back A Guaranteed Winner

Good Evening.

The Clumpany doesn’t usually take an interest in gambling, but my good pal Alan – who I haven’t seen in ages – called last night to alert me to “the hottest prospect in the entire history of horse racing.”

Alan tells me that this two year-old, four-legged wonder will be making his debut very soon and is the fastest creature ever to walk the Earth. Or rather blaze across continents faster than you can say ‘whoosh’.

Apparently a Sevco fan in the pub told Alan about the horse and they are absolutely convinced that it is going to clean up in all the big flat races over the next few years.

“You’ve got to tell everyone about this sure-fire thing” said Alan. “Even if they don’t want to back it, they will still love watching it run.”

Intrigued, I asked Alan for more details to pass on to my long-suffering readers, and he duly obliged.

Apparently the horse is called Ashley’s Injunction, and looks like this:

I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking “that doesn’t look like a thoroughbred racehorse. In fact it looks like a pantomime horse.”

Because that’s what I thought, and I told Alan so in no uncertain terms. But he immediately – and indignantly – informed me that his Sevconian contact had explained that it IS a thoroughbred racehorse.

However, owing to ‘sponsorship rules’ it was having to wear an unfamiliar replacement strip. There was absolutely no need to worry about Ashley’s Injunction.

That seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation to me. So pile in and back this thoroughbred with every penny you have!

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Medieval Approach

Siege

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in any attempted newspapers…

>>>>>

We are a building a fortress here says Arfield 

The Rangers* midfielder saw encouraging signs of fortification during the Light Blues’ truly magnificent 6-0 friendly victory against English high-fliers Bury.

By A. Motte-Bailey

Scott Arfield last night insisted that the Gers’* stylish humiliation of the Shakers was the beginning of something special at Ibrox, and any domestic or Europa League raiders can expect to face intimidation and harsh resistance should they have ambitions of conquering Steven Gerrard’s side.

“You could see it taking shape even before the game” said Arfield.

“Loads of the fans digging a moat around the ground and pissing in it to fill it up. There will be a drawbridge going in over the next few days, and it will be lifted to stop opposition teams getting in. Apparently some local businesses have donated old shelves to make it. It’s an absolutely top class gesture and shows what this club* is all about.”

But the external fortifications are not the only obstacle visiting sides can expect to encounter at Ibrox this season.

“We are going to have archers standing on the roof to fend off anyone who makes it across the moat. I say ‘archers’ but it’s actually the local darts team. They share a set of darts so there are only actually three to throw. But this is a well organised defence that will take no prisoners! That’s what the manager wants and everyone is working hard to make it happen.”

Arfield also confirmed that should anyone evade the archers, a grisly fate awaits them.

“You’ve read about how they used to pour hot tar down on enemies trying to climb the walls? Well, the coaching staff have asked a cafe if they can borrow a hot cup of tea to throw down on the opposition. We couldn’t scrape together the cash to buy it, but thankfully the cafe has said it’s no bother. We just need to call them and the tea is ours. Shipped over from their urn in Belfast. They reckon they could get it to us within a few hours.”

Finally, the former Falkirk and Burnley hero sounded a warning about the Rangers* squad’s long-term commitment to seeing off challenges, no matter where they come from.

“The board wants us to adopt a siege mentality. So the water supply will be cut off and we will have to make what food we have last until the end of May. Unless we decide to eat fringe players who can’t get a game.

“And apparently anyone who complains about it being a cost-cutting exercise may find themselves facing the anger of the Ogre. I think it works as a trainer in the gym or something”.

>>>>>
Meanwhile…

IMG_1419

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…
img_8008

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

His Big Mikeness Strikes Again

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has greatly enjoyed the MSM’s coverage of His Big Mikeness’s latest legal manoeuvrings, which threaten to hinder sales of Sevco merchandise. Merchandise which includes the pile of slightly adapted generic kits that Hummel possibly never expected to sell in the first place until Dave King chapped on their door.

My main source of amusement has been the way that the Scottish football MSM has maintained a po-faced demeanour suggesting that they were bringing a new story to the punters when the simple fact of the matter was that they were only telling us what we already knew.

This seems to happen quite often and makes you wonder whether the MSM is still locked into a mindset that only THEY break real news, and ‘folk on the Internet’ such as Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and the wider Bampot community don’t.

You get the impression that the social media brigades could have all the training, track records, sources and NUJ cards in the world and yet it still wouldn’t count in the eyes of those working for ‘Proper News Organisations’. Whatever they are.

I don’t suggest that these were the exact thoughts that ran through the minds of those in the outlets which reported on Ashley’s latest move many hours after Phil had put the story out there and the online community had looked at some points of detail. I am sure that these folk are doing their jobs in good faith.

However, the whole spectacle, and the mocking reaction of a lot of people on social media speaks volumes about the state of the ‘traditional’ coverage of the often-pantomime that is Scottish football.

There is a real thirst out there for timely information about significant developments, and for some decent, thought-provoking analysis. Phil delivered it yesterday, and so-called ‘Bampots’ quickly waded in. It was fascinating and engaging stuff.

Frankly, someone from a mainstream outlet popping up online the following day and saying that a story about it would follow soon doesn’t cut the mustard. Especially when that story turns out to be little more than the bare bones of what we already knew.

I don’t want to do a hatchet job on anyone over this, but I do want to point out that the exasperation and mockery that has been expressed over the mainstream coverage of the latest Ashley/Sevco litigation seems to be entirely appropriate. Not least because it so clearly illustrates the continuing and possibly ultimately fatal shortcomings of the ‘old ways’ of covering Scottish football.

We deserve better.

#KeepOnClumping

img_8008

Media, Satire, Sevco

Giving F*ck All To Sevco

3cc5a058-8b5d-459c-965f-504c158f3417-273-00000039010d07e7

Good Evening.

Not appearing in an attempted newspaper any time soon…

>>>>>>

New Signing Says “F*ck That”

The Ibrox outfit’s latest signing is determined to crush Celtic in his own unique way.

By A. Shite-Peddler

Rangers’’* newest recruit has promised to destroy their Old Firm* rivals by treating the fans to a truly astonishing display.

The player – who asked not to be named as he felt any association with our output would embarrass his family for countless generations to come – said that he had something truly special in store.

“I literally give zero fucks about who I am playing for” revealed the starlet whose agent couldn’t be arsed to provide further details when we asked him to help us fill column inches.

“If I am really honest, I plan to make a complete arse if it and be marooned on the subs’ bench for the rest of eternity.

“You’ve heard all the cliches about players wanting to prove themselves and welcoming the ‘step up’ to this ‘massive club’?

“Well I don’t do cliches. And if I don’t get a game and fail to add to the pretence of the club’s* history in a way that pleases its PR operation, I couldn’t care less.

“Ideally my preference would be to score a load of own goals. Great big blasts into the centre of the Rangers* goal having first taken out the keeper with my shoulder-carried rocket launcher.

“Failing that, I’m happy to play in any position and wave the opposition lads on as they steam past and knock ten goals in.

“I’m just done with this pantomime of turning up at a new club and being determined to do a good job, only for the local media to make out that I am going to do something extraordinary for them.

“Reading them, you would think that I am going to become a ballerina and literally  dance the ball into the opposition net.

“That simply isn’t going to happen. No matter how deluded the local media is.

“So let me state on the record once and for all… If I could sit on a deck chair while Rangers’* opponents stroked the ball around me. And if I could then see them take a wee break and order some whisky at the club’s* expense and savour it before scoring an embarrassing amount of goals against the Light Blues, I would be good with that.

“It’s only football FFS! And it would be a shocking state of affairs if we were locked into a perpetual cycle of uttering platitudes to give the mainstream media something easy to feed off.

“Wouldn’t it?”

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

img_1332

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

img_8008

Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Stevie G’s Miracle Cure

38db95e0-c4ec-406a-82b1-1bb1d471b409-1145-000000d7ebe57d61

Good Evening.

The Clumpany didn’t see this advert anywhere…

>>>>>>

Introducing Stevie G’s Miracle Cure!

Sevco Pharmaceuticals are delighted to introduce a product which will revolutionise medical science.

It will transform the lives of half a billion People.

Where once there was extreme discomfort and embarrassment, there will now be unadulterated joy.

No longer will People have to hide away for hours on end feeling as though their insides have been sealed up with concrete.

Never again will People strain and pray in hope for the blessing of a release from inner torment.

This medical marvel is guaranteed to change lives throughout Sevconia!

So roll up roll up and get our special hashtag-shaped ‘Let’s Go’ pills! 

Inspired by a lame, random, throwaway remark by Stevie G that he immediately forgot (but which we are determined to flog to within an inch of its life), the ‘Let’s Go’ tablets do exactly what they say on the tin*. [*Old Smarties tube.]

That’s right! ‘Let’s Go’ is the jaw and pants-dropping laxative that will let all Sevco fans go.

Constipation is absolutely no problem for our miracle formula which cuts through solid shit just as quickly as The Clumpany dissects an MSM-Sevco love-in.

All YOU need to do is to buy into our fantasy about a rookie manager being truly amazing and BOOM, the ‘Let’s Go’ pills are yours.

We absolutely guarantee that Stevie G’s efforts will have you shitting yourself in no time whatsoever.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, this product was not tested on rational human beings…