Media, Satire, Sevco

TEN MILLION POUNDS!

Harry Enfield

AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

TEN MILLION POUNDS!

THAT’S TEN MILLION POUNDS!

TEN MILLION POUND COINS!

TWO MILLION FIVERS!

ONE MILLION TEN POUND NOTES!

LOADS AND LOADS AND LOADS OF CASH!

ABSOLUTELY ROLLING IN MONEY!

SO F*CKING RICH THAT WHEN WE WALK DOWN THE STREET PEOPLE POINT AT US AND SAY “LOOK AT THEM. THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS TO SPEND.”

SO UNBELIEVABLY WEALTHY THAT WE COULD BURN FIVE MILLION POUNDS AND THEN BURN ANOTHER FIVE MILLION POUNDS!

“MONEY MONEY MONEY, MUST BE FUNNY, IN OUR TEN MILLION POUND WORLD.”

ALL THOSE THINGS ABBA SAID THEY COULD DO IF THEY HAD A LITTLE MONEY”? WELL WE CAN DO THEM BECAUSE WE HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS!

WE DON’T HAVE A CASH FLOW PROBLEM. WE HAVE A CASH TSUNAMI PROBLEM! BECAUSE WE HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS!

GIRFUY SCOTTISH FOOTBALL! CASH IS KING, AND WE ARE THE KINGS OF CASH, BECAUSE OF DAVE KING’S CASH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! PRAISE THE LORD! BECAUSE WE HAVE TEN MILLION POUNDS.

(As long as we can sell this guy…)

Morelos

#KeepOnClumping

PS Let’s all have a sing-song… Click here!

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Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

“I haven’t joined Hearts” says Steven Naismith

NaismithGood Evening

It turns out that this is the 900th Clumpany blog. I am sure you will agree that from day one it has been a spectacular exercise in not concentrating on my own team. Many thanks for all your interest and support.

And now down to business…

Look out for this ‘article’ not appearing in a newspaper any time soon…

>>>>>>

“I haven’t joined Hearts” says Steven Naismith

The ex-Rangers star almost traded blows with Ann Budge and Craig Levein at Tynecastle.

By A. Lost-Plot

The return of former Rangers hero Steven Naismith to Scotland almost ended before it had begun amid some truly bizarre scenes. Having been linked with a return to Ibrox, it came as a shock when Naismith arrived in Edinburgh for a loan spell with the Jambos which will last until the end of the season.

The forward – who has fallen out of favour at Norwich City – was about to be unveiled to the press when he remarked to Budge that he was delighted to be joining “SevHearts”, and that it was great to see them building up so successfully from nothing.

One eyewitness explained, “Ann went ballistic and asked what he meant about ‘building up from nothing’. Naismith must have got the wrong end of the stick somehow, and he explained to Budge that it was a real shame that a great old club like Hearts with all its history and tradition had been unable to pay its bills and had been liquidated.

“Craig quickly moved to stop Ann offering Naismith a square go, and bluntly told him that he obviously didn’t know what he was talking about. He said it was still the same Hearts that Naismith had known when he was growing up.

“Naismith didn’t like being spoken to like that. He said that he understood why Craig and Ann might want to believe that fairytale, but he was in no doubt that he wasn’t joining Hearts, he was joining ‘SevHearts’ instead”

Our insider explained that a full-blown shouting match then broke out with Hearts staff telling Naismith he was out of order and was going to alienate the fans as well as the board who had put all put time and money into saving the club.

“In the end, Ann looked like she was storming off to call Norwich and cancel the loan deal, but she quickly reappeared with a piece of paper and practically slapped Naismith across the face with it!

“Naismith immediately realised it was a certificate confirming that Hearts had exited administration. He stared at it for a couple of minutes without saying a word. Then, a single tear of joy ran down his cheek and dripped on to the page. It was a beautiful moment.

“He then hugged the piece of paper and embraced Ann and Craig. He apologised over and over again for his error, and for suggesting that folk might have stood idly by and watched Hearts die.

“Regaining his composure, Naismith suddenly exclaimed, ‘This is brilliant! I’ve not joined SevHearts, I’ve joined Hearts! Wait until I tell the lads at Sevco about it! They’ll want to come over and see some proper intact history!’

“And with that, he went out to meet the press, wearing the biggest smile you will ever see”.

>>>>>>

How times change, eh?

Naismith2

Rangers in crisis: I haven’t quit Rangers – I have quit Sevco, says gutted star Steven Naismith

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Jam Tomorrow FC

Good Morning.

In a Light Blue household somewhere in Glasgow…

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Child: “Dad! Can we have some jam on our bread?”

Dad: “Errrr.”

Child: “But we are hungry!”

Dad: “Errrr.” [*Thinks to himself “Times are hard and money is rather tight.”]

Child: “Dad! Dad! DAD! Jam!”

Dad: “Well, err… would you like something else instead? I’ve got this old half-packet of Rich Tea biscuits. Yum!”

Child: “Dad! We want jam! And lots of it too. Jam for all our friends!”

Dad: “What friends?”

Child: “The ones we have coming round for tea. You do remember, don’t you?”

Dad: “Do I?.”

Child: “Yes, you invited them round last summer.”

Dad: “Oh. How many are coming and expecting jam for tea?”

Child: “Well over 40,000 of our very best friends.”

Dad: “What?!”

Child: “And they are really looking forward to the best tea EVER, with lots of jam!”

Dad: “Oh God…”

Child: “Dad! Dad! DAAAAAAAAD!?”

Dad: “OK. OK. OK.”

Child: “We can have jam!? Can we?!”

Dad: [*Rummaging in the pockets of an old coat*] “Yes, here we are! Boy have I got some jam for you! Ta-da!”

Child: “Oh! Those look like three crumpled tiny plastic pots of jam with the lids half-peeled off.”

Dad: “Let me tell you something. I ‘borrowed’ these jams from a hotel. These are the finest jams in the whole world. The tastiest, most impressive jams you will ever see. These jams will make everyone who isn’t invited to tea extremely jealous.”

Child: “Ooh brilliant Dad! I can’t wait to laugh at Timmy at school about our quality jams! He’ll be gutted!”

Dad: “That’s the spirit!”

Child: “But will there be enough jam to go round to make everyone happy? All 40-odd thousand of my friends?”

Dad: “Don’t you worry about that Billy. I am going to BUY lots and lots and lots of jam so we can have the best tea ever!”

Child: “Awesome! When will you do that, Dad?”

Dad: “Tomorrow, Billy. There will be jam tomorrow….”

Child: “You’re the best, Dad!”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Sevco Administration Fantasy

Unicorn

Good Evening.

OK everybody, it is time to stop messing about. It is time to stop deluding ourselves. It is time to get a grip, and face some cold hard facts.

Rangers* are not at risk of going into administration. All is well. In fact things are so well at Ibrox that you could lower a bucket on a piece of rope, pull it back up and find it full of water. I say water, but it could actually be the Timmy tears cried when we realised that we had got it so very wrong, and Rangers* are – in fact – in rude financial health. So rude in fact, that their accounts can only be bought from the top shelf of a newsagent.

We have had our fun, our laughs, and our schadenfreude. But enough is enough. It is time to admit that Rangers* are in a good place, rolling in cash and ready to crush all opposition.

Anyone not willing to accept this needs to take a long hard look at themselves and seek help. Rangers* are not the one with problems. You are.

It is quite clear to anyone without an agenda who cares to investigate that the RIFC board has brought a golden era to the Ibrox outfit. An era where money is no problem whatsoever. People say that Rangers* couldn’t secure the managerial services of Derek McInnes owing to an acute lack of immediately-available funds. I am here to tell you that such assertions are simply incorrect. Dave King put the money to compensate Aberdeen in an escrow account, and if anyone doesn’t believe this, I understand that the crow himself is willing to squawk on the Bible that it is true.

As for the suggestion that there is no money to assemble a world-beating squad of players, you only have to look at all the board members standing by with penknives and a willingness to sell their kidneys to know that this an insulting lie.

Rangers* have so much money that they have engaged a recruitment consultant to hire extra zeros to appear on the end of their bank balance, and the under soil heating at Ibrox has been converted so it is powered by burning bundles of £20 notes.

Some have suggested that the Takeover Panel and Court of Session insistence that Dave King makes an offer for RIFC shares at 20p each might cause extreme difficulties for both Chairman and football ‘club’. This is absolute garbage. Dave is currently counting out the pennies he saved in an empty whisky bottle the size of the Empire State Building and can make the required share offer if ultimately necessary. But what a waste of time it would be, given that RIFC shares are currently worth ten bars of gold each as a result of the board’s exceptional stewardship!

Mark my words, these are great days for Rangers*. All talk of financial difficulties and administration is simply wishful thinking on the part of the obsessed, envious, and deluded.

Dave ‘Kerching’ King has the Midas touch, and Rangers* are coming to humiliate us all.

Meanwhile, in other news…

Rangers* heading for administration? That’s more Aye Right than Aye Ready

I think Gary may have finally found his ‘lost relationship’ with Rangers*.

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Administration Rumours

Dominoes

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has just been speaking to an imaginary member of the Scottish sports media about rumours that the latest Ibrox-based holding company, basket of assets, engine room subsidiary thing (but NOT the ‘club’) might be about to go into administration. They seemed a bit flustered, but in the interests of satire, here is what they had to say…

>>>>>>

Journo: “I can categorically state that Rangers* will not go into administration”.

The Clumpany: “How do you know that?”

Journo: “Because I have access to the facts of the matter.”

The Clumpany: “What facts? Actual real fact-y, fact-like, facts?”

Journo: “Yes. Facts.”

The Clumpany: “Actual real fact-y, fact-like, facts? Supported by evidence? Genuine evidency, evidence-like, evidence?”

Journo: “Absolutely. Premium-grade evidence.”

The Clumpany: “So you are saying that rumours of administration are a pile of shite? Steaming shite-y, shite-like, shite? Like a nervous Grand National field might pump out after a night on the beers and kebabs?”

Journo: “Indeed. The rumours are nonsense.”

The Clumpany: “Proper nonsense? A tsumami of pish? A tidal wave of pishy, pish-like pish? Like a disaster movie where a seaside town is flooded because a group of 50 lads on a Stag Do can’t find a toilet after four days of drinking lager?”

Journo: “Rangers* are not a disaster movie. But yes, the suggestion of administration is complete rubbish.”

The Clumpany: “Absolute rubbish? A bulging landfill site of  rubbishy, rubbish-like, rubbish?” 

Journo: [*Impatiently] “Yes! Rangers* are not going into administration. They are doing quite nicely, as their recent forays into the transfer market have shown. There has been some magnificent business done by the board of late.  Pure alchemy!”

The Clumpany: “Go on then…”

Journo: “‘Go on’ WHAT?”

The Clumpany: “Show me the evidence.”

Journo: “‘Of what?”

The Clumpany: “That ‘Rangers’ aren’t going into administration.”

Journo: “Goodness me, is that the time?”

The Clumpany: “Not so fast! Come back here. What is the evidence that ‘Rangers’ will not go into administration? And please don’t show me a puff piece about Pena being offloaded to a grateful South American nation for more money than you can shake a stick at.”

Journo: “Do you ever worry about being seen as an obsessive fantasist?”

The Clumpany: “Evidence please!”

Journo: “An unfunny obsessive fantasist?”

The Clumpany: “I’m not going away. What is this evidence you have seen?”

Journo: “OK then. Just to shut you up…”

The Clumpany: “Spit it out…”

Journo: “Accounts! It’s in the accounts! All is well!”

The Clumpany: “But we saw the accounts at the end of last year, and while they didn’t suggest imminent insolvency, they were certainly bleak.”

Journo: “You don’t understand.”

The Clumpany: “Try me…”

Journo: “Well, there are accounts and then there are ACCOUNTS. It’s all about knowing where the key information can be found.”

The Clumpany: “WTF? Have I stumbled into an episode of 3-2-1? What’s with the riddles, and where the hell is Dusty Bin. NO, don’t answer that! He’s in Florida for that pretend cup competition, isn’t he…?”

Journo: “The key information in THE accounts clearly indicates that Rangers* are in good financial health.”

The Clumpany: “Which accounts? I am not going to put up with your deflection. I will keep asking until you answer me.”

Journo: “OK, but you didn’t hear it from me.”

The Clumpany: “Of course…”

Journo: “The proof of Rangers’* strong finances comes from the accounts…”

The Clumpany: “Yes, go on…”

Journo: “…from the accounts…”

The Clumpany: “I can’t bear this tension! Tell me FFS!”

Journo: “…from the accounts that were.. errr…”

The Clumpany: “Aaaaaargh!”

Journo: “…from the accounts of the overall situation that were provided to me by the PR operation. They told me a really positive story!”

The Clumpany: “So not actual accounts with numbers in them? You mean an oral account of the position?”

Journo: “Don’t be ridiculous. They came by email. And what lovely emails they were! The first one was entitled ‘An Account Of How Brilliant Rangers’* Finances Continue To Be’ and called me by by first name!”

The Clumpany: [*Stunned silence*] [*Almost imperceptible shake of the ethereal head*]

>>>>>
So there you have it! All is apparently well.

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Clumpany Matters, Satire, Scottish Football

Welcome To The Clumpany Bookshop!

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is proud to announce that it is opening a brand new bookshop. It will be the best bookshop in the world!

In it you will find all manner of exciting publications: all the classic works of fiction, modern novels, and a vast array of factual books. You name it, and I will probably have it.

This bookshop is going to crush all the opposition. Amazon will be Ama-GONE by the time I have finished with them!

And the really clever thing is that I have acquired all these world-beating assets for next-to-nothing! In fact, I don’t think it would be unfair to say that I have pulled off the mother of all business deals.

“But from where did you source all your high-quality stock, Comrade Clumpany?” I hear you ask? “What manner of beleaguered wholesaler did you haggle down to minimal prices?“.

Well, the truth of the matter is that I adopted an innovative approach to inexpensive stock-acquisition. No conventional suppliers or wholesalers were involved. Not did I steal the books.

I could have spent, say £1m – or even £2m – on books for my shop. But why would I do that when I could simply pop down to Brighton, visit all the public libraries, and loan a lot of books to put on the shelves of my world-bearing emporium instead?

What’s that you say? “If I want to have books on a permanent basis and be able to sell them on, I will actually have to part with some serious cash at some point?”

Pah! I know exactly what I am doing with my brilliant bit of business. You must be #obsessed. Why don’t you concentrate on your own bookshop instead?

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

An Amnesty At Celtic Park

Good Evening.

The Clumpany believes it is always important to think of those less fortunate, especially during this festive period. So it gives me great pleasure to announce a special amnesty I am organising outside Celtic Park just before tomorrow’s Glasgow Derby.

I don’t want to make too much of a fuss, but it is important that we do our best to relieve people of their burden and make their lives a little easier. So can I please request that if you are a Scottish sports journalist who isn’t called ‘Jim Spence’ or ‘Graham Spiers’ you stop by the special collection box tomorrow and deposit all your liquidation lies?

The box is very large and has room for mentions of

  • the Old Firm
  • holding companies
  • 145 years of history
  • emerging from liquidation
  • the Advertising Standards Authority
  • bullsh*t ‘evidence’ from FIFA and UEFA
  • Etc etc etc

There will also be a large skip for someone to part with the unchallenged BBC platform they once gave Neil Doncaster to assert ‘same club’ 😉

There is no need for potential donors to be embarrassed. The truth will set you free, and I guarantee that your lies will go to a good home which will nurture them.

Perhaps they will end up with certain prominent North American politicians, or with climate change-deniers?* [*Disclaimer, The Clumpany has not inspected the flood defences of any potential new homes for your lies].

Please donate and rest assured that your great big intelligence-insulting lies will be well looked after.

And even if they aren’t, why should you care? We all know that you’ll happily go with any old crap about ethereal entities surviving death. 😉

Please give generously.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…