Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

How To Celebrate A Sevco Victory

Good Evening.

Overheard in a pub a short while ago. Possibly.

Celtic fan #1: “F*ck me. That’s embarrassing. Shocking from Celtic. I can’t believe we lost to the new club. What the f*ck has the board been playing at? And what about the manager and players? Do they think that’s acceptable?”

Celtic fan #2: “I know mate. Disgraceful stuff. The pressure is on now to sort the side out for the rest of the season.”

Celtic fan #3: “Aye, we are still top, we won the League Cup and we are still in Europe, but FFS we will never hear the end of it. Lawwell and Rodgers better get things sorted for the rest of the season.”

Meanwhile, over in another corner of the pub, the chat is also all about football… 😉

Sevco fan #1: “F*cking brilliant. We showed those b*stard paedo Tarrier f*ckers why they should go home!”

Sevco fan #2 “Spot on. Fenian b*stards. They are a f*cking stain on society. We showed them. Dave King is definitely bringing us 55. They won’t be able to handle it. The smelly mhanky bheasts!”

Sevco fan #3 “Well said mate. We are The People and they are sub f*cking human. This is our country and they should know their place! The Gaffer is going to be a legend when he delivers 55! F*ck Brenda Rodgers”

Sevco fan #1: “Brenda? F*cking brilliant mate! The Tarriers don’t have banter like that!”

And in a reserved area of the pub there were a few Scottish football journalists…

Journo #1: “Fantastic game yesterday. Brilliant result! It’s like David Murray never left Ibrox!”

Journo #2: “Usually I pretend he hasn’t! But yeah, it’s absolutely f*cking fantastic!” [*Rubs self uncomfortably*]

Journo #3: “Are you OK mate? Only you look like you are in pain.”

Journo #2: “Well I overdid the celebrations yesterday.”

Journo #3: “How do you mean? You are rubbing your [*cough*] groin area FFS!”

Journo #2: “Aye well I might have accidentally rubbed all the skin off my c*ck in the excitement.”

Journo #1: “F*ck, I’m glad it’s not just me! I’ve been in agony all day, but have been trying to hide it!”

Journo #2: “Good to know you are on board! How about you pal? Any chafing after the big win?”

Journo #3: “Bloody hell. Some of us have been around long enough to still have our Rangers* 9-in-a-row lubricant when required. It’s all about keeping your dignity. No chafing or blisters here. And look how smooth my hands are as well…”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of (admittedly tasteless) satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

>>>>>>

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Careless hack given “mother of all b*llockings” by furious top brass at famous Scottish paper.

By A.N. Absolute-Disgrace.

One of Scotland’s most prominent journalists was left shaken last night after his boss threatened to sack him over an unfortunate mistake in his preview of the upcoming Old Firm-tastic Old Firm fixture.

The journalist concerned – who is well known as an Old Firm fan – is also understood to be fearing ostracism by his colleagues (unless of course they have an emu rather than an ostrich).

A source close to the usually tight-knit (OK yes they do actually wear polyester rather than wool) newsroom spoke to us on condition of anonymity (not that we have heard of them). They exclusively revealed the sorry tale which looks set to destroy the credibility of the legendary football scribe.

“I still can’t believe it”, said our eyewitness. “The journo submitted his piece, and put his coat on to leave for the day, when suddenly the editor…What do you mean? Yes of course we have editors. You don’t think we just produce our articles like a misfiring arse pebbledashes a bathroom wall do you?

“Oh you do… Anyway, the editor suddenly stormed into the open plan and literally dragged the journalist into a meeting room. He slammed him against the wall and started yelling at him. I’ve never heard swearing like it. Well not since some of my pals discovered that a debenture at Ibrox had nothing to do with the club but only with the liquidated COMPANY!”

Our shocked insider continued. “In between all the foul language we could make out that the journalist had submitted an Old Firm article the day before an Old Firm game which contained some words that were neither ‘Old’ nor ‘Firm’. What a schoolboy error!

“You go through all that Traynoring and also get some qualifications, and what do you do? You stupidly write an Old Firm article in Old Firm week that has words in it like ‘a’, ‘is’, to’ and ‘and’, which take up valuable space that could have been filled with ‘Old Firm’. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, apparently he also put some adjectives and – FFS – verbs in the piece as if they were going out of fashion.”

Shaking his head and eyeing up a potential future promotion opportunity, our source added: “How the hell does he expect to keep his job and maintain the respect of the rest of the press pack if he’s going to undermine our hard-won reputation by not writing articles that solely consist of the words ‘Old Firm’ in the week of an Old Firm-a-licious Old Firm game?”

The guilty hack has been warned not to repeat his grave error of judgement on pain of instant dismissal, and he has also been instructed to complete some mandatory re-Traynoring.

“Hopefully he’ll be OK” said our insider. “He’s been told he must write 10,000 lines of ‘I must always mention Old Firm’ on a blackboard.

“I just hope he has the brains to leave out the ‘I must always mention…’ part. Otherwise the boss will think he’s REALLY taking the p*ss.

“The boss doesn’t want to see anything other than ‘Old Firm’ in the sports pages.

“Ever”.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Handy Guide To The Latest Sevco Accounts

Good Evening.

Yes I know that the accounts published last week were those of RIFC, which is different to the engine room subsidiary once known as Sevco Scotland (or is it Sevco 5088?!).

I also know that RIFC is different to the ethereal ‘football club’ which UEFA will tell you is actually the legal entity once known as Sevco Scotland (or Sevco 5088?!), but NEVER to be mistaken for the club incorporated shortly before Queen Victoria passed away.

However, I wanted to refer to ‘Sevco’ in the title of this blog to cater for the possibility that Martin Williams might read this. And if he does, I would like him to note quite how much we are still laughing at his liquidation-denying Herald output.

Oh, and I also wanted to ask Martin if his fleet-footedness has yet secured him a gig with the Bolshoi Ballet. After all, if he can’t play a lead role in Swan Lake there must surely be an ironic bit-part for him as a dead-but-allegedly-still-living Norwegian Blue parrot.

Mustn’t there?

But I digress.

The main point of this attempted blog was simply to warn regular readers to continue to look out for a few potential pieces of misdirection which might cause them to think that all is well with the recent ‘Sevco’ accounts…

‘Turnover’ most certainly does not refer to what Sevco have done to Sports Direct in the courts.

‘Operating loss’ does not refer to a Glasgow surgeon who misplaced his Ibrox season book.

‘Going Concern warning’ is NOT an alert about an unreliable coach company.

‘Converting loans to equity’ does not imply a money-spinning convoluted player transfer to the actors’ trade union.

‘Concert party’ does not relate to a mistaken request from the Takeover Panel to borrow a box set of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum from Dave King.

‘Repaying the fans’ loyalty’ most certainly does not imply a refund.

I hope that clarifies matters.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Satire, Sevco

The Gap Is Finally Narrowing

Good Evening.

A few days ago, The Clumpany put an anvil and a racehorse next to each other.

I painted the anvil light blue. I got the paint cheap in a fire sale of someone’s assets, but thought it would probably catch the eye of some People if deployed in a pandering sort of way. I will admit that I originally envisaged a ‘panda’ing sort of way’ but the panda said “f*ck that. If I am heading towards extinction I want to preserve some self respect for posterity. You are not painting ME light blue.”

Which was fair enough. So I just painted the anvil instead.

I then plaited green and white ribbons into the mane and tail of the racehorse and it looked absolutely champion. So much so that seven times in a row I said to myself “that horse looks champion.”

And then, all of a sudden the racehorse darted off into the distance like the classy thoroughbred it is. My Lord I have never seen such speed. Neither had the crowd of 59,000 folk who had gathered to cheer it on, and who were wearing similar green and white attire.

Meanwhile, the light blue anvil sat there seemingly immobile.

I say ‘seemingly’ because a passing group of 800 People wearing light blue to show their support of the dead weight started cheering it on and claiming that the gap between the anvil and the horizon-reaching racehorse was actually narrowing.

I took issue with them and said that the thoroughbred was so far ahead that the anvil could never catch it. They said something about me being a ‘hater’, and before I could reply someone jumping a shark in an evening intervened and said “The gap is narrowing. That is all you need to believe. Did I say ‘believe’? I meant ‘know’. Forget I said ‘believe’. The FACT is that the gap is narrowing. That expensively-assembled anvil is going to beat the racehorse over the course of a season.

“No really”.

As you can imagine, I was utterly convinced by their argument…

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire

The Day I Saw The Beatles Perform Live

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to share a very personal reminiscence with my long suffering readers.

It’s about the day I saw the Fab Four perform live!

I was very excited about it for days in advance. On the morning of the gig I was absolutely buzzing even though I hadn’t slept. I put some Beatles vinyl records on at maximum volume during breakfast, and played them at maximum volume.

It really set me up for the day! I was dancing in the kitchen, dancing in the shower, and dancing all the way to the gig.

Seriously, I practically floated to the venue because I was so unbelievably excited. I knew that I was going to scream from the first moment that John, Paul, George and Ringo walked on stage until well after they left, and I didn’t care who saw or heard me.

Because was going to see The Beatles!

And they didn’t disappoint! Sometimes you could barely hear them over the screaming, but it was an unbelievably brilliant show. Those voices! Those songs! And (let’s be honest) those suits and haircuts! OOFT!

I knew there and then that this was going to be an experience to treasure for ever and ever.

I had seen and heard The Beatles in person.

GET IN!

I can still remember the exact date and location of the concert.

It was on 29 July 2012 at Glebe Park, Brechin.

And if you are prepared to believe that steaming pile of bullshit you will also believe that the team that played Brechin City that day was the real Rangers FC rather than Sevco Scotland.

Goo goo g’joob.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, liquidation denial is a massive insult to your intelligence and a punch in the face for 276 creditors…

Celtic, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Reply To Celtic’s Statement

Good Evening.

Not coming to a ‘club’, ‘holding company’ or ‘engine room subsidiary’ website any time soon….

>>>>>>

Club Statement

Rangers* Football Club was appalled to see the inflammatory, entirely reasonable statement issued by Celtic FC this afternoon.

This unilateral act – which was disgracefully undertaken without the involvement of Rangers’* PR advisers – beggars belief.

This club has a long history (a REALLY long history) of feeling entitled to put Celtic in their place by any means we choose. It is an affront to the good reputation of Scottish football for Celtic to shrug its shoulders at our decision to cut their allocation and say “OK, two can play at that game”.

[*Insert sentence including a really long word out of context to try and appear clever and intimidating*]

For Celtic to demean Scottish football by looking out for their fans and not picking an argument with us is utterly intolerable and we expect the SFA, SPFL, and Emperor Palpatine to impose the harshest sanctions.

Twice.

Or maybe three times.

For the avoidance of doubt, Rangers* Football Club will work tirelessly to avoid all doubt in this completely undoubtable matter.

Let there be no doubt about it.

This club will not bow to Celtic’s attempts to create an uneven playing field in Scottish football by suggesting that they would be happy to discuss ticket allocations with us.

Our supporters will rightly expect us to issue outraged statements like this one over and over again during the next couple of weeks. We will not let them down.

It is entirely immaterial whether Rangers* Football Club is no position to lecture others about good conduct. We will not stand idly by and fail to make a lot of noise when we could instead be taking up Celtic’s offer to talk to us.

We cannot and will not pander to their completely reasonable and constructive attitude.

[*Mention ‘fiduciary duty’. It sounds impressive*]

For too long Rangers* Football Club has been treated generously by everyone in a position of power. This is not good enough. Everyone at the club demands an even better deal. This historic history-laden club insists that it should be handed everything on a plate. A silver one at that.

Celtic have gone too far in today’s reasonable and non-hostile statement. Enough is enough. We demand to be given a reason – no matter how flimsy – to absolutely lose our shit at the dignified approach of the Parkhead outfit.

BTW Season tickets are still available.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

How To Back A Guaranteed Winner

Good Evening.

The Clumpany doesn’t usually take an interest in gambling, but my good pal Alan – who I haven’t seen in ages – called last night to alert me to “the hottest prospect in the entire history of horse racing.”

Alan tells me that this two year-old, four-legged wonder will be making his debut very soon and is the fastest creature ever to walk the Earth. Or rather blaze across continents faster than you can say ‘whoosh’.

Apparently a Sevco fan in the pub told Alan about the horse and they are absolutely convinced that it is going to clean up in all the big flat races over the next few years.

“You’ve got to tell everyone about this sure-fire thing” said Alan. “Even if they don’t want to back it, they will still love watching it run.”

Intrigued, I asked Alan for more details to pass on to my long-suffering readers, and he duly obliged.

Apparently the horse is called Ashley’s Injunction, and looks like this:

I know what you are thinking.

You are thinking “that doesn’t look like a thoroughbred racehorse. In fact it looks like a pantomime horse.”

Because that’s what I thought, and I told Alan so in no uncertain terms. But he immediately – and indignantly – informed me that his Sevconian contact had explained that it IS a thoroughbred racehorse.

However, owing to ‘sponsorship rules’ it was having to wear an unfamiliar replacement strip. There was absolutely no need to worry about Ashley’s Injunction.

That seems like a perfectly reasonable explanation to me. So pile in and back this thoroughbred with every penny you have!

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…