Gerrard, Media, Satire, Sevco

Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff

Good Evening.

Probably appearing in all newspapers in the coming days…

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Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff At Rangers*

The Kop-tastic Kop Legend will do stuff at Rangers* according to our carefully selected and on-message vacuous pundits.

By A. Space-Filler

New Rangers* manager Steven ‘That Night In Istanbul’ Gerrard will do various unspecified things that will help the Ibrox side to play football. Maybe.

That is the shocking verdict of various People with absolutely no meaningful insight to offer when we phoned and asked them to make positive noises to fill column inches and sell a feel-good fable to the Rangers* fans.

However, the most astonishing news – which will surely strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players – is the confidence of one former Rangers legend that “Aye, Rangers* will be looking to get a bit closer this season”.

Gerrard has wasted no time in signing players that had absolutely nothing to do with him, and this gives one former player (who unexpectedly cited ‘self-respect’ in agreeing his pre-scripted anonymous ‘quote’) supreme confidence that the Liverpool Kop-licious legend is on to a winner.

“Look at the exciting start Gerrard has made at Rangers* ” said the ex-pro. “He’s doing stuff. And that can only be a good thing. Can I leave your paper to say stuff like ‘back to where they belong’? Only I am due to play golf this afternoon and need to get going.”

This startling perspective was endorsed by another former footballer who pleaded with us to “keep my name off this shite”.

“Say what you like about him. PLEASE! Just don’t say I helped you with it! But Stevie G – that’s the sort of affected familiarity you are looking for, isn’t it? – Stevie G didn’t get where he is today without trying to do stuff.

“And I am sure that he will do stuff at Rangers*.

“Brendan Rodgers is probably sitting there now thinking ‘Stevie G – he’ll be managing Rangers* next season’.

“That’s the sort of impact you are looking for when hiring Stevie G. You are looking for people to say ‘I see they have appointed Stevie G.’

“And in those terms, you can only say that the Rangers* board has played an absolute blinder by getting Stevie G in.”

This overwhelming endorsement was confirmed by the views of Rangers* fans who participated in our exclusive online poll yesterday. 100% of them said YES they DO believe that Steven Gerrard will do stuff at Rangers* this season.

When asked about the results of our survey and the views of our sources, a Rangers* spokesperson said “Bring me Solo and the Wookie… errr… well done, that’s just the sort of narrative we were hoping for.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

Genuine Savile Row Clothes

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to make it known that the jacket I am wearing is from Savile Row. It is a unique, high quality jacket, designed and made by one of the finest tailors in the world.

My jacket is extraordinarily classy. In fact it is so magnificent that the Savile Row emporium views it as the absolute pinnacle of their achievements and wants the whole world to see it. As such, they are paying me millions of pounds a year to wear it in the hope that their will be a tsunami of orders for replica jackets from amongst the Clumping millions.

Honest.

I would also like to take this opportunity to quash the rumours that a well-known pound shop has been selling shite clipart and picture editing software which makes it easy for a down-at-heel ethereal entity to brand itself and present a pretty desperate image to the world.

My jacket is the only show in Fitba’s Sartorial Town, and anyone who suggests that it is actually widely-available generic attire that can be picked up quite cheaply is clearly a hater.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to my tailor. I am going for 55 jackets.

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Meanwhile in other news… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Gerrard, Media, Satire

A Complete And Utter Piss-Take

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s papers…

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An Early Splash Of Success

The new Rangers* manager is relieved to have started climbing the bladder of success at a remarkably early stage of his Ibrox-based managerial career.

By A. Wee-Dribble

Rangers* fans were beside themselves with joy last night as they learned that their new stellar manager Steven ‘Still Getting His Coaching Badges’ Gerrard had bonded with some of his squad prior to him taking up his brown-brogued role.

The stunning news that the one-time Champions League winner had caused folk to think about Rangers’* assault on the Europa League sent the Light Blue Legions into entirely understandable raptures.

Eyewitnesses confirm that Gerrard had been going for a long-delayed piss after several pints and a protracted discussion about the futility of Sportsound, when the force of his urine stream caused a spectacular bounce-back off the urinal and on to the trainers of one of the Rangers* players who happened to be staying at the same hotel.

“You could see it as clear as day”, said our source. “Proper ‘Gerrard’ piss found its way on to the footwear of one of his squad.”

“You could see the bond he already has with the Rangers* first team squad, as well as his existing deep knowledge of the game by the way he said to the player ‘Sorry mate’ and by the way that the splashed victim said ‘no bother’.”

“I don’t count co-efficient points” continued our insider, “but if the Europa League takes any account of piss-giving, or indeed piss-taking, Rangers* are laughing all the way to a humiliating exit in a slightly later round this season.”

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Meanwhile, in other news… Gerrard gets a head start in Europa League mission

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

Putting Timmy In His Place

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany just had a call from my good pal Alan. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him for ages…

He’d been out and about and saw Dave King! Apparently Dave was outside a derelict bank and sitting on a rotting wooden bird sh*t-covered bench. A couple of passing Sevco and Celtic fans asked him what he was doing there and Dave explained that he was waiting to open a bank account, but there was an unfortunate 500 mile long queue and it was going to take ages to be served.

Dave further explained that given the likely wait he was just resting his legs by sitting on this lovely comfy sofa.

“Good for you Dave! Keep up the good work. We are the People!” said then Sevco fan in reply.

“Hang on a minute.” said the Celtic fan. “That’s not even a bank. It’s just an empty crumbling building!”

“Obsessed!” shouted the Sevco fan.

“And anyway, you don’t actually need to go to into a bank to open an account.” continued the bemused Celtic supporter.”

“Piss off Timmy. You wouldn’t understand. I blame the schools Dave!” bellowedthe beetroot-faced citizen of Sevconia.

“And another thing!” said our Hooped hero. “There is no queue and that’s not a sofa. It’s an old bench that’s been there for decades.”

“Why don’t you concentrate on your own team?”, yelled the increasingly agitated Bear.

“I’m only pointing out the obvious and suggesting that all might not be as first suggested” said the the Celtic fan, still smiling from the club’s historic Double Treble. “Doesn’t that concern you?”

“Paedo!” said the Sevco fan, still deeply troubled at not getting a ticket for the Light Blues’ Petrofac Cup win a few seasons back.

“OK Billy”, said Timmy in a conciliatory tone. “Let’s calm down shall we? I’ll tell you what, I’ve got some Buckie here. Why don’t we sit down on this bench, have a quick drink and show that there are no hard feelings?”

Suddenly Dave King spoke up. “Owing to unprecedented demand from our own supporters, Celtic fans will not be able to sit here.”

“But I’ve sat on that bench loads of times in the past!”, exclaimed Timmy. “And there’s something in it for you if I sit there again. You get the benefit of my Buckie! You too Billy.”

“I’m sorry, but this seat is taken by Rangers* supporters”, said Dave, gesturing to Billy to sit down on the bench.

Billy was beside himself with glee as he lowered his ample arse on to the creaking timber: “Fuck you Timmy! Piss off! Cheers Dave! We really are the People aren’t we?”.

Timmy shrugged his shoulders and went off to drink his Buckie and attend the latest of several dozen planned parties to celebrate Celtic’s continuing domination of Scottish football.

Billy leaned back on the bench feeling that all was well with the world, when suddenly Dave spoke to him again…

“It’s good to have you on board. That seat will cost you about £11m” said Dave. “Do you have the cash with you now?”

Billy fainted.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of satirical fun in relation to the craziness of Scottish football…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Only ‘Shaking’ Titles Count

Good Evening .

The Clumpany has been deep in emergency conversion with a group of Sevco fans and feels compelled to update you on the outcome

The conclave was hastily-convened to consider the merits of Celtic winning an unprecedented Scottish double-Treble.

It had come to my attention that both residual Rangers fans AND follow-Followers of Sevco had been suggesting that Celtic had achieved nothing of note.

Somewhat surprised by this greater-than-usual display of f*ckwittery, I asked the assembled company to explain what it would actually take for Celtic to deliver a valid footballing achievement given that titles won without an Ibrox club in the top flight are seemingly worthless, and two Trebles won while the latest version of Rangers is competing for Premiership honours are apparently tainted.

The answer I received was – to be fair – unambiguous. Apparently titles won by Celtic are not valid if Rangers* are in the top flight, or if they are out of the top flight.

Apparently titles only count if Celtic are shaking it all about in a manner of Sevco fans’ whim-based choosing.

I asked for clarification of what proof of the above-mentioned ‘shaking’ would actually look like, but was told that I am ‘obsessed’.

There is no arguing with that sort of ‘logic’, is there?!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

When Sevco REALLY Disappoints…

Good Evening. [It’s been a while…]

Here is some ‘news’ that you won’t read in tomorrow’s papers…

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The Rangers* Bus Falls Short

The four-wheeled wonder somehow fell short of our shamelessly-exaggerated ‘expectations’.

By A. Hype-Fest

Rangers* fans were today left reeling by the news (which they somehow never saw coming) that the team’s new bus isn’t actually going to be a perpetual motion machine which will solve the world’s energy crisis and save the environment while also delivering a reliable run to an away fixture in Dundee.

Rumours had abounded that Rangers* were about to acquire a bus that would change the world by proving that cheap, inexhaustible energy was available to everyone, whilst also generating the funds to deliver multiple Champions League titles to Ibrox.

Sadly however, these rumours proved to be unfounded, with the Rangers* team actually being set to hitchhike to games next season, and the world as a whole being left with no choice but to burn itself to a fossil fuel-based cinder.

Rangers* fan Billy McGuillibly expressed the disappointment of many fans at the news.

“Fuck the environment. Stevie G is here for 55 and he needs the money generated by the bus-based creation of an unlimited source of energy.

“How can the papers treat me like this with their bullshit stories of perpetual motion machines and untold riches?

“I’m going to write a complaint on the back of this season ticket that I just bought.”

“What sort of idiot do they take me for?”

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Meanwhile…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Jilted At The Altar

Good Evening.

The warmer weather is often a sign that the wedding season is upon us. And it certainly is at Sevco! Following the union of Steven Gerrard and the Fantasy Known As Rangers Football Club on Friday, today saw another emotion-packed wedding due to take place.

Here is a report supplied by my pal Alan who was lurking at the back. Fortunately, no one saw him…

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Jilted At The Altar

Today, Sevconia’s favourite sprite Miss Imp Pecunious was due to be bound in financial matrimony to legendary military hero Major Investment, with the ceremony once more presided over by the Reverend Dave King.

A small but select gathering of Scotland’s finest journalists gathered for the service to wish the Bride and Groom well, weep sweet tears of joy, and to prepare themselves to spread the wonderful tidings to the rest of humanity for the next few thousand years.

The honoured guests arrived in good time, murmuring with excitement and wondering quite how impressive Major Investment would be when he arrived. There was also considerable concern about Imp Pecunious who had been waiting to be swept off her feet since at least March 2015.

The Reverend Dave King also took his place well before the start of the ceremony and exchanged a word or two with the guests. Well, actually it was five words: “remember what Jim tells you”.

So the scene was set. All it needed was for the Groom and his traditionally-late Bride to arrive.

Everyone waited.

And waited.

And then waited a little bit more.

Watches were looked at, and shoes were stared at by an increasingly-uncomfortable congregation.

Eventually the door opened.

But it was not Major Investment.

No, it was Miss Imp Pecunious, wearing a simple and very inexpensive gown that some claim was previously the subject of a rejected £11m bid from China on eBay.

The guests gasped.

Imp Pecunious walked to the front and asked the Reverend Dave King where her one true love Major Investment was.

The Reverend Dave King remarked that no one had told him that this was a wedding, and that he had no expectation of seeing Major Investment today. Or indeed for the foreseeable future.

Imp Pecunious broke down in tears and the guests shuffled uncomfortably in their seats, until suddenly the Reverend Dave King spoke:

“Good morning. Just to let you know that there will be a cake sale in a few weeks’ time. We expect to raise £6m.

“We haven’t got the ingredients, the oven is on the blink, and we have no idea whether anyone will actually want to buy cake, but a bright future for the club lies ahead.

“I’m also hoping that some debt could be converted to cake. A hypothetical Victoria sponge has got to be worth at least £2m a slice, hasn’t it?”

Before departing to give their readers unexpected and disappointing news, the guests were treated to light refreshments of stale fudge.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…