The following completely fictitious ‘statement’ has made its way to Clumpany Towers. I am publishing it for your information…
A Statement From The Squirrel Party
The Squirrel Party has had contact with a number of its members over the past few weeks. They have been concerned about the person who keeps coming into Rangers* games with the world’s biggest ghetto blaster and playing songs such as The Billy Boys, F*ck The Pope and Lisbon Lions Won’t See Ten-In-A-Row at such ear-shredding volume that it is easy to mistake it for the massed voices of over 40,000 people.
This shadowy anonymous figure is giving the haters and rabid agenda-driven politicians and journalists an excuse to criticise the exemplary behaviour of the most Loyal fans in the world. Fans who typically remain mute throughout games save for the occasional round of applause and twirling of their old-school football rattles.
We can confirm that we have written to the relevant authorities, politicians and journalists to put them in the picture about the mysterious owner of the ghetto blaster, who we are referring to as ‘Timmy’ in the hope of blame being deflected elsewhere in Glasgow.
We have also demanded an explanation from these reckless commentators who claim to have witnessed a presumably tiny minority of our fans tapping a single toe to the ghetto-blasted music. We have pointed out to these spiteful individuals that it is a natural human instinct to tap your toe to music, and therefore any effort to criticise Rangers* fans for doing so is nothing less than a disgraceful attempt to dehumanise them.
It has also come to our attention that elected politicians may seek to re-examine the concept of sectarianism and make recommendations about how it should be redefined in Scots law.
Let us be absolutely clear about this. Until we are certain that ‘Scot’ is not the mysterious owner of the ghetto blaster that is generating unfair criticism of Rangers* supporters, he has no place in making laws to hold them to account.
As an interim measure, we have suggested to the footballing authorities that if anyone is upset by the ghetto blaster then they should wear earplugs to matches.
We await further developments with concern. Meanwhile, The Squirrel Party will continue to do what it can, with very limited resources (*cough* only joking Mr King…), to tackle any unfair or malicious comments about our Loyal support and its occasional isolated instances of toe tapping.
Meanwhile, in other news…
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…