Media, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Medieval Approach

Siege

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in any attempted newspapers…

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We are a building a fortress here says Arfield 

The Rangers* midfielder saw encouraging signs of fortification during the Light Blues’ truly magnificent 6-0 friendly victory against English high-fliers Bury.

By A. Motte-Bailey

Scott Arfield last night insisted that the Gers’* stylish humiliation of the Shakers was the beginning of something special at Ibrox, and any domestic or Europa League raiders can expect to face intimidation and harsh resistance should they have ambitions of conquering Steven Gerrard’s side.

“You could see it taking shape even before the game” said Arfield.

“Loads of the fans digging a moat around the ground and pissing in it to fill it up. There will be a drawbridge going in over the next few days, and it will be lifted to stop opposition teams getting in. Apparently some local businesses have donated old shelves to make it. It’s an absolutely top class gesture and shows what this club* is all about.”

But the external fortifications are not the only obstacle visiting sides can expect to encounter at Ibrox this season.

“We are going to have archers standing on the roof to fend off anyone who makes it across the moat. I say ‘archers’ but it’s actually the local darts team. They share a set of darts so there are only actually three to throw. But this is a well organised defence that will take no prisoners! That’s what the manager wants and everyone is working hard to make it happen.”

Arfield also confirmed that should anyone evade the archers, a grisly fate awaits them.

“You’ve read about how they used to pour hot tar down on enemies trying to climb the walls? Well, the coaching staff have asked a cafe if they can borrow a hot cup of tea to throw down on the opposition. We couldn’t scrape together the cash to buy it, but thankfully the cafe has said it’s no bother. We just need to call them and the tea is ours. Shipped over from their urn in Belfast. They reckon they could get it to us within a few hours.”

Finally, the former Falkirk and Burnley hero sounded a warning about the Rangers* squad’s long-term commitment to seeing off challenges, no matter where they come from.

“The board wants us to adopt a siege mentality. So the water supply will be cut off and we will have to make what food we have last until the end of May. Unless we decide to eat fringe players who can’t get a game.

“And apparently anyone who complains about it being a cost-cutting exercise may find themselves facing the anger of the Ogre. I think it works as a trainer in the gym or something”.

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Meanwhile…

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NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…
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Satire, Sevco

How To Buy An Orange Sevco Top

 

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Good Evening.

Overheard on the streets of Glasgow…

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William: “Hi Billy.”

Billy: “Hi pal. Everything OK with you?”

William: “F*cking outstanding mate. Dave King has the corrupt cabal at Hampden on the run and Stevie G is here for 55!”

Billy: “I know what you mean. Liewwell is shitting himself. He’s going to be done for war crimes at the very least.”

William: “It’s the minimum that the bastard deserves.”

Billy: “Aye. I’m going to keep up with news of his deportation while I’m on holiday.”

William: “You going away mate? I wondered what that suitcase you are carrying was for.”

Billy: “Yes pal, heading to the airport now. I’m buzzing for it.”

William: “Nice. Where are you off to?”

Billy: “The usual pal. The Costa del Intolerance. Sun, sea and hostility towards anyone who doesn’t share my narrow view of the world. Can’t beat it.”

William: “Wish I was coming with you mate. It sounds brilliant. You’ll be giving any Tarriers the ‘Billy Boys’ I assume?”

Billy: “Nailed on pal. And if they don’t like it they can always ‘go home’. Ha ha ha.”

William: “Good one mate. F*ck them. Hope you have a brilliant time. By the way what’s that piece of paper on your chest?”

Billy: “What, this A4 printout?”

William: “Aye that’s the one. Stapled to your King Billy t-shirt.”

Billy: “I knew you would spot it pal. You’ve always had an eye for quality!”

William: “So what is it?”

Billy: “Ha. Nice one. You know very well what it is.”

William: “Do I? Tell me.”

Billy: “Always the joker pal! You know very well that it’s the new Hummel tap. The third strip. The Tarriers are raging about it being orange. I think it’s brilliant and I’ll be wearing it all the time I am on holiday! It’s the best £60 I have ever spent. Dave King promised and Dave King delivered. So Dave King can take my f*cking money!”

William: “But it’s a piece of paper…”

Billy: “Yeah, I know. Mike f*cking Ashley has stopped the club from selling the orange tap until October. Probably. But I’ve got round Ashley’s trick. I paid £60 for a printed-out picture of the orange tap and am attaching it to  everything I wear!”

William: “That’s absolutely brilliant mate. We Bears always know how to show why we are the World’s Most Successful Club, don’t we?”

Billy: “Definitely pal. We will always find a way to show Ashley who is boss. I bet he’s crying right now.”

William: “No doubt about it mate. Can you tell me where you got that printout? I’ve got 60 of Her Majesty The Queen’s pounds burning a hole in my pocket right now.”

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Media, Satire, Sevco

Giving F*ck All To Sevco

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Good Evening.

Not appearing in an attempted newspaper any time soon…

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New Signing Says “F*ck That”

The Ibrox outfit’s latest signing is determined to crush Celtic in his own unique way.

By A. Shite-Peddler

Rangers’’* newest recruit has promised to destroy their Old Firm* rivals by treating the fans to a truly astonishing display.

The player – who asked not to be named as he felt any association with our output would embarrass his family for countless generations to come – said that he had something truly special in store.

“I literally give zero fucks about who I am playing for” revealed the starlet whose agent couldn’t be arsed to provide further details when we asked him to help us fill column inches.

“If I am really honest, I plan to make a complete arse if it and be marooned on the subs’ bench for the rest of eternity.

“You’ve heard all the cliches about players wanting to prove themselves and welcoming the ‘step up’ to this ‘massive club’?

“Well I don’t do cliches. And if I don’t get a game and fail to add to the pretence of the club’s* history in a way that pleases its PR operation, I couldn’t care less.

“Ideally my preference would be to score a load of own goals. Great big blasts into the centre of the Rangers* goal having first taken out the keeper with my shoulder-carried rocket launcher.

“Failing that, I’m happy to play in any position and wave the opposition lads on as they steam past and knock ten goals in.

“I’m just done with this pantomime of turning up at a new club and being determined to do a good job, only for the local media to make out that I am going to do something extraordinary for them.

“Reading them, you would think that I am going to become a ballerina and literally  dance the ball into the opposition net.

“That simply isn’t going to happen. No matter how deluded the local media is.

“So let me state on the record once and for all… If I could sit on a deck chair while Rangers’* opponents stroked the ball around me. And if I could then see them take a wee break and order some whisky at the club’s* expense and savour it before scoring an embarrassing amount of goals against the Light Blues, I would be good with that.

“It’s only football FFS! And it would be a shocking state of affairs if we were locked into a perpetual cycle of uttering platitudes to give the mainstream media something easy to feed off.

“Wouldn’t it?”

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Meanwhile… 😉

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Stevie G’s Miracle Cure

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Good Evening.

The Clumpany didn’t see this advert anywhere…

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Introducing Stevie G’s Miracle Cure!

Sevco Pharmaceuticals are delighted to introduce a product which will revolutionise medical science.

It will transform the lives of half a billion People.

Where once there was extreme discomfort and embarrassment, there will now be unadulterated joy.

No longer will People have to hide away for hours on end feeling as though their insides have been sealed up with concrete.

Never again will People strain and pray in hope for the blessing of a release from inner torment.

This medical marvel is guaranteed to change lives throughout Sevconia!

So roll up roll up and get our special hashtag-shaped ‘Let’s Go’ pills! 

Inspired by a lame, random, throwaway remark by Stevie G that he immediately forgot (but which we are determined to flog to within an inch of its life), the ‘Let’s Go’ tablets do exactly what they say on the tin*. [*Old Smarties tube.]

That’s right! ‘Let’s Go’ is the jaw and pants-dropping laxative that will let all Sevco fans go.

Constipation is absolutely no problem for our miracle formula which cuts through solid shit just as quickly as The Clumpany dissects an MSM-Sevco love-in.

All YOU need to do is to buy into our fantasy about a rookie manager being truly amazing and BOOM, the ‘Let’s Go’ pills are yours.

We absolutely guarantee that Stevie G’s efforts will have you shitting yourself in no time whatsoever.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, this product was not tested on rational human beings…

 

 

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Sunday Newspapers Need To Move To A Different Day

Good Evening

Not appearing in a Sunday newspaper any time soon. 😉

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The Sunday Newspapers Love Being Published On A Sunday But Need To Move To Fulfil Their Potential

The Clumpany reckons that the Scottish Sunday papers would love to stick around in their ‘second half of the weekend’ slot, but deep down they know that they need to test themselves elsewhere.

By T. Clumpany

The Clumpany has long felt that while they might be well-established and comfortable in their traditional slot, the Sunday papers were always likely to have to contemplate a move that would take them out of their comfort zone.

I would like to make it clear that I do not subscribe to the view of my good pal Alan (who I still haven’t seen in ages) that the entire mainstream media should just “piss off into oblivion”. That seems an unnecessarily harsh perspective (and no, I don’t say that because I think they should f*ck off to oblivion instead. 😉).

No, I feel confident that Scotland’s Sunday papers still have a contribution to make towards our understanding of world events and the sport we love. However, I have no doubt that those responsible for them know deep down that they are ready for a fresh challenge.

It is perhaps unfortunate for them that the challenge may have come knocking on their door sooner than they expected. Or, to be more precise, knocking and then dragging them out of the house before bundling them into the back of a van. But there is no accounting for events overtaking you.

So the choice now facing the Scottish Sunday papers is whether to cling on to the same old routine and an all-too-familiar environment like a house guest who has so far outstayed their welcome that you don’t know whether to call them a taxi or a hearse. Or to instead make a bold move and seize an exciting new opportunity.

The Clumpany can now exclusively reveal that the Scottish Sunday papers are about to be offered a move to a different day, courtesy of the generosity of the Bampot Community. The fine details of the offer are yet to be hammered out but The Clumpany feels sure that these papers will end up much better appreciated if they take up the challenge.

The day on offer is the 29th February, and to sweeten the deal the Bampot Community accepts that the papers could still be published when it falls on a Sunday. With 100 years’ notice.

Oh yes, and that’s the 29th February on (or up?) Uranus.

What’s it to be lads? Wasting away where you are in Scottish Sundays, or going for something more challenging?

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Sevco

Throwing Out The Trash

Source: various across all social media platforms…

Good Morning.Glasgow City Council hasn’t issued the following waste recycling guidance… 😉

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Green Bin Recycling

What is it?

The green bin recycling service is for the collection of overpaid rubbish footballers.

When is my green bin collected?

Once a year you can aim to have a massive clear out but will end up only half-filling the bin.

Bin lorries are not needed but could certainly be provided if necessary. No really. We have a journalist lined up to assert the ‘fact’ if necessary.

Instead, a bus will be along any minute now to take the rubbish footballers. Honest. Failing that, there will be golf buggies to remove the stinking mess.

Managers who fill their green bin to excess in the hope of persuading their chairman to pay for new players will receive short shrift.

What can go into the green bins?

You can dispose of the following items within your green bin:

• goalkeepers of whom one might ask “what’s the goalie daein?”

• defenders. Or Bruno Alves.

• midfield dynamos with utterly implausible alleged release clauses in their contracts.

• strikers who never quite seem to be sold to the Chinese for over £11m.

Placing individuals other than those noted above into the green bin will adversely affect the quality of the material that we send to our re-processing partners. We need proper shit to make decent compost for the parks and gardens of Glasgow. Consequently, the truly abject nature of players deposited is a vital consideration.

What should not be placed in the green bin?

Please do not place the following items into your green bin:

• Title hopes

• Tactics

• Baseless superiority complexes

• Failed tifos

• Concert parties

• Promises of Nomads

• Empty war chests

• Bullshit newspaper stories to sell season books.

Please dispose of these items by shoving them up your deluded arses.

What happens to the green bin contents?

After being photographed and posted on Twitter for the entertainment of the whole of humanity, the contents of the green bin are taken to the transfer market fire sale. The players are separated from their disappointing career history prior to being hawked around lower league English clubs with more money than sense.

Any leftover players – which will be most of them – will be recycled into the Sevco squad to play their part in another piss-poor season.

Please note, the above guidance does not apply to Celtic FC who should simply call the Council and quote the reference STATEAID if they need assistance.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, fly-tipping is illegal.

Celtic, Gerrard, Media, Satire

A War That Celtic Cannot Win

Good Evening.

Probably not in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

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Stevie G And Walter Go To War With Celtic

The Champions League-winning Champions League winner plans to hold a summit with the Gers icon to formulate a plan to destroy Celtic. Literally.

By A. Battle-Fever.

Steven Gerrard has wasted no time in setting up a serious sit-down with his illustrious* predecessor* and fully intends to get the low-down on how to blast Celtic into smithereens.

The high-powered encounter promises to strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players as they prepare for a surely-doomed assault on 8-in-a-row.

Walter Smith has been the go-to guy for Gerrard’s predecessors, and the veteran former manager has never failed to deliver advice that has resulted in devastating consequences. [Don’t say for who – Ed.]

Now the legendary Liverpool legend looks set to team-up with the legnedary Rangers legned to deliver Celtic’s worst nightmare.

“Nuclear weapons” said a source close to Rangers*.

That’s what Walter can bring to the table. Celtic won’t know what has hit them. Stevie G will love it.”

Our insider confirmed that it wouldn’t just be the Wisdom of Walter that would be assisting Gerrard.

“It’s a little-known fact that Graeme Souness was on the brink of inflicting nuclear armageddon on Celtic in the 1980s. The only reason he didn’t was his realisation that his tackling during games could do far worse damage.

“There was no problem with David Murray paying for the weapon. He was always great at buying absolute weapons – just look at the players he signed over the years. The bank was fully on board to extend the club’s* overdraft to pay for any sort of annihilation of Celtic that he fancied.

“However, Graeme thought a few of his trademark on-pitch assaults could do the job quite nicely instead.

“Obviously Stevie G won’t be playing for Rangers* this season, but he’ll surely love the idea of using Souness’s Plan B.”

It is understood that Walter and Stevie G will meet as soon as the Rangers* squad returns from its current unsuccessful continental bus-spotting expedition.

“It’s going to be an awe-inspiring spectacle”, said our insider, who asked not to be named in case UN Weapons Inspectors got on his case.

“Stevie G will be sitting there in the Blue Room ready to talk total destruction, and Walter will walk in wearing his best stare and brown brogues. They’ll agree on a launch date and time for the weapon, have a cup of tea, and then go home.

“Celtic’s days are numbered.”

When asked if we could see the nuclear weapon, and why he appeared to be making a rudimentary catapult out of a rubber band, and a y-shaped stick emblazoned with the words ‘Stevie’s Celtic Smasher’ our source told us to “f*ck off and write the correct story”.

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

Picture via @Celt_Bhoy1888

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…