Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Slagging Off The SFA

Good Evening.

Possibly not appearing in a newspaper near you tomorrow

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Editorial: The Future of the SFA

This paper makes the big call that everyone has been waiting for.

By Ed. Band-Wagon

The Afternoon Guffaw has never shied away from confronting the biggest issues in Scottish football.

From the aeroplane legroom enjoyed by senior administrators, to the quality of biscuits in the press box, we have always lived up to the expectations of our loyal-yet-demanding readers and spoken truth to power. Or at least spoken to power. OK, we have doffed a cap to them, and given them our coats on a cold day.

From the warm applause we offered to the authorities for helping Rangers* to emerge from liquidation in 2012, to the palm leaves we scattered before Dave King in 2015, whenever there has been a boat to be rocked we have come over all seasick and gone for a lie-down.

So it will come as no surprise to you to read that we have decided to take a bold stance on the current circumstances surrounding the SFA. With no chief executive or Scotland manager in place, with problems in securing sponsors, and with a huge decision to make about the future of Hampden Park, this is a time for us to nail our colours to the mast.

Let there be no doubt, this paper has taken a long hard look at everything that has happened in Scottish football in recent years, and assessed the contribution of the governing body to it.

Having done this, we have absolutely no qualms in expressing our unshakable conviction that the SFA might not be quite as good as it should be.

While we wouldn’t wish to see the organisation abolished, or completely restructured, or substantively altered, or changed all that much, we do think that the Hampden power-brokers need to ask themselves some searching questions, and should commission a review of the standard of toilet roll on offer at the SFA’s HQ.

This is no half-hearted call on the part of this newspaper. We want the review to be comprehensive and encompass the toilet roll in both the gents’ and the ladies’.

However, we are also clear that the review needs to be constructive. There is nothing to be gained from pandering to the foaming-at-the-mouth elements on social media who would only pollute a debate about toilet roll by suggesting that they wouldn’t wipe their anonymous arses with our rag of a newspaper.

So we therefore invite – and indeed trust – the SFA to do the right thing in-house.

Our readers can rest assured that this paper will be unrelenting in its determination to hold the SFA to account. We will be like a dog with a bone. Especially if your image of a dog with a bone is a playful Andrex puppy looking for approval and cuddles.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

An Unfortunate Accident

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany just had a distressed call from my good pal Alan, who I haven’t seen for a while.

He sounded frantic.

“Hi Clumpany. I’m just calling you to let you know what’s happened and to ask if you could bring a few things to the hospital for me.”

I was obviously alarmed and asked him what had happened. He sometimes gets hit by cars because the drivers don’t see him for some reason, but he usually takes it in his stride. So for him to actually be in hospital must have meant that something REALLY bad had occurred.

“It’s my own fault really. You know that bad habit I have…? No, not that one. And not that one either. And NO, it f*cking isn’t the other one. I gave that up ages ago.”

Alan is quite a character. He continued:

“No, it’s that thing I do in the street. No, not that thing. Or the other thing. I reached an understanding with them about that.”

Alan leads an interesting life. Finally, he got to the point:

“You know how I like to kick cans while I am out and about? If I see one littering the street I can’t resist giving it a good kick down the road. BOOM! And off it goes!

“Well, this has been going on for a few years now and over the last couple I had started to notice that whenever I kicked a can it was travelling less and less distance.

“So I tried harder. I started psyching myself up, and telling myself and anyone who would listen that I was the best can kicker in the world. I would shout and bellow and channel all of my aggression into my run-up as I tried to boot the can a bit further.

“But ultimately it made no difference. That kicked can kept ending up near and nearer to me. Until today….”

Adopting an understandably earnest tone, I invited Alan to reveal what had happened today.

“Well today I took the longest run-up ever, I shouted louder than ever, and I gave that can the biggest f*cking kick you have ever seen. Seriously Clumpany, it had the force of a bomb going off.

“And as my foot connected with the can, it stuck to my foot. It didn’t move an inch. The force of the impact rebounded on me, and I flew twenty feet into a wall. I’m in agony.

“For some reason, no one saw me there so I had to crawl to A&E. I then wrapped myself in some bandages and – oddly – it was at that precise moment that the doctor finally saw me and offered an immediate diagnosis.”

Extremely worried, I asked Alan what the doctor had diagnosed, and whether it was serious.

“You bet it’s serious Clumpany.

“He says I have bust my holding company.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire

Safe And Secure

Good Morning.

Woohoo!

The Clumpany invites you all to share in the joy that its finances are absolutely amazing, and that it has managed – uniquely in the entire history of humanity and ethereal entities – to obtain finance secured against its assets.

This must surely be a landmark moment? Possibly the most landmarkest landmark moment in the history of landmarkdom!

What an absolute triumph it is for The Clumpany to be able to stick two fingers up at all doubters – and possibly the general tenor of audited accounts – and be able to say “f*ck me, a comparatively modest amount of cash secured against my assets!”.

If the availability of a secured loan isn’t evidence of Happy Days Being Here Again*, (especially in these days of some enterprises being subject to a going concern warning), I don’t know what is!

All hail the totally unique provision of secured finance, and possible ambiguity over its potential implications!

Will the world ever see the like again?

Meanwhile, The Clumpany awaits the creation of something called ‘unsecured finance’. It really could prove useful to many people and also to potentially-struggling ethereal entities. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Phantom Horse

Good Evening.

Here is the news. Perhaps…

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Phantom horse confirms Rangers* are in a strong position says Ibrox executive

A mute, invisible horse has taken a long hard look at Rangers’* finances and business plan and confirmed that they are in fine fettle, according to a senior administrator.

By A. Manure-Pile

One of Rangers’* top team last dismissed rumours that the club has been experiencing financial difficulties and has no sustainable long-term plans.

Citing a review by a top analyst, the executive dismissed internet chat and so-called bloggers as ‘conspiracy theorists’ and ‘fantasists’, and called upon Gers* fans to ignore their trouble-making agenda.

When asked what reassuring words he could offer the Light Blue legions, the executive pointed to an empty-looking corner of the room and said “ask the Phantom Horse”.

The executive explained that the Phantom Horse was very light on words and physical presence, but he was a top football business analyst and had recently reassured Rangers* that their finances and plans were absolutely top-drawer.

“I’ve never witnessed anyone get so excited as the Phantom Horse did when we showed him our accounts and set out our vision during a three-hour meeting. He was speechless and you couldn’t see even the merest suggestion of a long face.

“We were absolutely delighted to get a seal of approval from the Phantom Horse. We also took note of him not telling us to sell Alfredo Morelos for £8m. We didn’t mention any £8m bid for Morelos and it was very telling that the Phantom Horse didn’t either.

“The Phantom Horse knows that we are on to a winner here at Rangers* and you will never witness him uttering a bad word about us.”

The Phantom Horse did not respond to our request for an interview. However, we understand from his PR representative that he remains in a state of euphoria about Rangers’* more-than-stable prospects.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun. And I can categorically deny that the Phantom Horse belongs to my pal Alan…

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

The Next Scotland Manager

Recruitment

Manager of the Scotland National Football Team

The Opportunity

The Scottish Football Association (SFA) invites applicants to become the next manager of the Scotland national football team. Reporting to the person standing in for the Chief Executive, the manager will be responsible for selecting the national team, instilling a culture of excellence in  players, building strong working relationships with clubs, and acting as an ambassador for Scottish football as whole through positive engagement with the media and attendance at public events.

The manager will be required to create a strong backroom team of similar success-oriented people, and will be expected to assist the SFA in relevant aspects of its business planning by developing a comprehensive strategy to deliver international success. The post holder’s primary objective will be to deliver qualification for the European Championships of 2020.

Knowledge, Skills and Experience

  • Recent experience of management in club football.
  • Ability to motivate and create a winning mentality among players and support staff.
  • A track record of player development and on-pitch success.
  • A proven ability to deliver results with finite resources.
  • An up-to-date understanding of modern coaching methods.
  • A strong awareness of the role of contemporary sports science in improving player performance.
  • Flexibility at all times in both tactics and team selection, with a willingness to play expansive entertaining football whenever possible.
  • A flair for strategic thinking and collaborative working.
  • Experience in developing open, friendly and constructive relationships with the media.
  • An unrelenting commitment to the modernisation of Scottish football, and a willingness to be the upbeat, public face of this process.

To Apply

Please send a CV and a summary of how you meet the requirements of this post to the Scottish Football Association.

Please note that owing to the SFA’s well-known commitment to delivering its exciting, forward-looking ambitions for Scottish football, only applicants that meet ALL of the above criteria will be considered.

Unless you look like this.

Walter Smith

Closing date for applications: A bygone era.

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

How To Save Scottish Football

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s papers for some inexplicable reason… 😉

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Our Unspecific Plan To Save Scottish Football

This paper leads the way yet again by declaring its support for so-called ‘reform’.

By O.K. Careful-Now

Having seen Stewart Regan’s welcome departure from the SFA in recent days, this paper would like to make some loud but utterly unconvincing noises about the need to reform the governance of Scottish football.

Obviously we would prefer to do this without addressing any glaring issues around cheating and the non-payment of taxes which appear to trouble a number of apparently obsessed people masquerading as ‘football fans’ and ‘paying customers’.

As such – and savouring the smug feeling to be had from a lame-arsed pun on the name of a piss poor SFA initiative – we would like to introduce you to Project Pave.

This paper believes in not insulting the intelligence of its readers.

No, really…

We will therefore refrain from printing spin and vacuous soundbites about ‘bringing influence to bear to deliver change’ while simultaneously failing to outline any specific actions that we propose to take.

No, really…

We have too much respect for your ability to choose between ‘clicking on something vaguely plausible’ and ‘clicking on obvious shite’ to take you for mugs.

No, really…

Therefore, we ask you to savour the [*cough*] ‘details’ of Project Pave in all their glory.

Henceforth, this paper will:

  • put some colourful slabs down in your garden in a really nice pattern,
  • place a few tubs of flowers on the new patio, arranging them to spell out the words “An opportunist newspaper peddling pie in the sky”; and
  • set up a barbecue on the above-mentioned patio. A barbecue upon which your hopes of a reformed SFA and a credible approach towards years of industrial-scale cheating can be burnt to a crisp.

What more could you ask for?

Please buy our paper.

Pretty please.

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Meanwhile… 😉

Project Save: MailSport campaign to bin the SFA and unite Scottish game under one federation

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Dave King Will Walk Among Us!

Good Afternoon.

Here is the news. Almost…

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Praise The Lord! The Blessed Dave Will Walk Among Us

Rangers* Chairman has sparked a near-religious frenzy with the news that he will grace Scotland with his presence.

By A. Miracle-Worker

Scenes of ecstasy were witnessed across the land today following the astonishing news that the Blessed Dave King plans to walk among the faithful, bringing peace, love, joy, and hints of jam tomorrow.

The Castlemilk Messiah has largely been a stranger to these barren islands in recent years. But lo! Just when all hope had been lost by his adherents he has announced that he will visit Scotland on a regular basis to bring footballing miracles to the despairing, if not actual cash.

A spokesperson for the Temple of Glib said “this is the news for which we have been sacrificing our dignity in lavish ceremonies for several years. Behold! Where once the Blessed Dave mainly resided in South Africa, inviting Jim White to kneel before his wine cellar, he is now heading to Scotland once a month to bring light into the darkness of Rangers’ poor season.

“The Blessed Dave will inspire his follow-followers with parables of war chests, ‘doing whatever it takes’, and his famous Tale of the Co-investing Fan.

“He will smite the Takeover Panel with impecuniosity. His word will spread to the four corners and 5 Levels of the mainstream media, and all will be in awe of his wisdom. If not his chequebook.

“Mark my words, the Miracle of the 55th Title will go down in the annals of the Daily Record and Evening Times as the most magnificent event in all of creation.”

A source close to one of the leading Chapters of the Temple of Glib added “Dave will see Timmy crushed and think it very good. Now, would you like to invest in the future share issue?”

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Meanwhile, in other news…

Rangers* chairman Dave King to be more hands-on as he decides to spend more time in Scotland

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of fun…