Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Break Up Of The Celtic Squad 

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Good Evening.

The Clumpany brings you dramatic news courtesy of a completely fictitious article which won’t be appearing in a Scottish newspaper. Probably…

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Celtic Squad Facing Dramatic Transfer Swoop

Piss-take Sport understands that the successful Celtic squad looks set to be ravaged this summer by intergalactic raiders.

Having seen off interest from the English Premier League, and having indicated that they are not a selling club, the Scottish Champions are about to discover that resistance is futile as aliens from the planet Jumpshark make a dramatic move.

A source close to the Jumpsharkian high command said “Does this costume and voice modifier seem convincing? Let’s do this quickly as the PR company could only afford to hire them for half an hour. Oh is that thing recording? Sh*t! Let’s get on with it!

“Yes it’s true, the Sharkjumpians have been monitoring the progress of Celtic under Brendan Rodgers since the return of Rangers* to the top flight scared Dermot Desmond into action. 

They think that Celtic have some quality players who are certain to get bored of playing at Celtic Park. They believe they could do a job in the Sharkjumpian Super League playing against real-life Subbuteo players bred in laboratories on one of the planet’s many moons.”

The departure of most of the Celtic squad would be a massive blow to the Parkhead side as well as giving a tremendous boost to Rangers’* title hopes next season. What’s more, it is understood that the aliens are unlikely to take no for an answer should Peter Lawwell try and stand in their way.

The Sharkjumpian Super League is booming and those in charge will stop at nothing to get all the best Celtic players” said our source. “Their preferred method will be to line up a pretend friendly for Celtic against the ‘Area 51 All Stars’ in Nevada, and then kidknap them when they get off the bus.

However, in the extremely unlikely event of Celtic not falling for this cunning ruse, the Sharkjumpians will simply teleport all the players to their ship while they sleep. There really is no hiding place for them.”

The sudden intergalactic disappearance of the best Celtic players will be a huge disappointment to the Parkhead faithful, but our alien contact believes it will be good news for Rangers* fans.

“With a weakened Celtic side and Pedro Caixinha’s big plans backed by Dave King, this is sure to be the season when Rangers* return to their rightful place at the top of Scottish football. If I were a Rangers* fan and not a [*cough*] anonymous source from a distant world, I would certainly be snapping up an Ibrox season book now by calling the number at the bottom of this page.

I definitely wouldn’t wait until after the Sharkjumpians have abducted the best Celtic players. My advice is to buy early and buy often.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

9-In-A-Row 20 Years On: Billy McStaunch Tells Us What Happened Next


Good Evening.

Sadly no newspaper will be printing this as part of a series of pull-out supplements… 😉

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9-In-A-Row 20 Years On: Billy McStaunch Tells Us What Happened Next

May 9, 1998 is a day that Rangers fan Billy McStaunch will never forget.

For it was on that day that the previously unstoppable Rangers tanks were turned back by the luckiest military manoeuvre since ‘Colonel’ Parker got Elvis to sign on the dotted line.

Somehow the impossible happened and Celtic fluked a league title with a 2-0 win over St Johnstone. Flukey flukey flukey Celtic.

Ten-in-a-row parties were cancelled, your author allegedly cried himself to sleep every night for several years, and nothing was ever the same again. Except that it WAS because Rangers are still the world’s most successful club and are going for 55 again next year. 

One eyewitness to that awful May day has given us an exclusive insight to what that lucky, doesn’t-really-count Celtic title meant to him.

Billy McStaunch followed the Light Blues everywhere during the nine-in-a-row years and can vividly remember the impact of Celtic thwarting their bid to go out on their own with the Ten.

“Bastards”, said Billy. “Bastard f*cking bastardy bastards.”

“Cheating State-Aided, traitorous stinking bastards. That was our title. Our ten-in-a-row. Absolute f*cking c*nts”.

Billy still feels the impact of his beloved Gers missing out on what would have been their greatest domestic achievement.

“C*nts, all of them.”

“Wim Jansen – managerial c*nt.”

“Henrik Larsson – overrated c*nt.”

“Harald f*cking Brattbakk – just a c*nt.”

“Peter Liewwell – he scored that day didn’t he? Absolute c*nt.”

“Fergus bastarding McCann. What a c*nt. Who did he think he was? David Murray had bought that success for Rangers and McCann came along and stole it. The c*nt.”

Billy and his friends have formed an informal support group to deal with the continuing grief they feel following that disappointing day.

“Aye. We drink a case of Buckie and kick the living sh*t out of an anvil with a Celtic scarf  wrapped round it. A bastarding Celtic scarf. We then spend the rest of the week in A&E before doing it all over again the following weekend. We haven’t been to a game since 1998.”

Asked whether nine-in-a-row wasn’t worth celebrating despite it only drawing Rangers level with Celtic’s record, Billy was unequivocal in his response.

“F*ck off! No one is equal to the mighty Gers! Our Nine is way better than Celtic’s. Theirs was just a bit better than Eight. Ours was almost a Ten. And it would have BEEN a Ten had it not been for those lucky Hooped bastards in 1998.”

“C*nts all of them. Now, when is David Murray going to buy us two European Cups?”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco, SPFL

How Sevco Can Dominate Scottish Football


Good Evening.

As you might expect, The Clumpany greatly enjoyed yesterday’s 5-1 demolition of the artist pretending to be Rangers.

The Big Lie that Sevco are one and the same as Rangers is one of the great piss-takes of our time, and it is utterly wonderful to see the one thing that even the most wibble-minded liquidation-deniers can’t bluster away. Repeated defeats by Celtic, interspersed with systematic pumpings can only lead the hardcore of creditor-mockers to conclude that they really aren’t watching Rangers.

It is a thing of beauty.

Almost as beautiful, in fact, as Celtic’s performance under the leadership of Brendan Rodgers and The Immense Scott Brown!

I must also say a quick word about Leigh Griffiths, who really knuckled down to silence his critics after signing for Celtic, and played a huge part in delivering the 2015-16 title before finding himself often-sidelined this year. And yet despite this disappointment, Griffiths has stayed sufficiently focused to be able to deliver the kind of mangnificent goalscoring display we saw on Saturday, when given the chance.

Leigh Griffiths is a classy performer.

And then there was his celebration, which made you wonder whether he is a one-man Celtic screensaver machine…


Ooft!

However, all of the above is by way of introduction to the main point of this piece.

Ever the altruist, The Clumpany thought it should make a big effort to rally the Sevconian faithful in their hour of darkness. As such, I decided to seek some informed opinion on how their beloved ‘club’ can turn things around, overcome Celtic and [*cough*] ‘return’ to the top of Scottish football.

Here is what my specially-convened and highly-appropriate expert panel had to say in response to the question “what can Sevco/ Rangers* do to become the top club* in Scottish football?”.

Noted TV personality Sooty the glove puppet had nothing to say.

Rod Hull’s former partner, Emu had nothing to say.

The late Harpo Marx somehow made himself available for interview, but had nothing to say. 

The late Marcel Marceau also miraculously agreed to an interview, but had nothing to say. 

The late Buster Keaton also took some unlikely time out to impart a few home truths, but had nothing to say.

Marina from classic TV show Stingray had nothing to say.

Raymond Teller took time out from his magic shows with Penn Jillette to offer a comment, but had absolutely nothing to say.

Maggie Simpson may be no stranger to dummies, but sadly she had nothing to say either.

Finally, Godot didn’t arrive in time for the interview but we believe he would have had nothing to say.

I must admit that despite my best efforts it isn’t looking good for my plan to generate some well-founded optimism regarding Sevco’s future prospects. 

But hang on a minute! Whose is this shrill upbeat cry of hope that I hear?

Ah look!


It’s ‘Flipper’, the legendary TV dolphin!


What’s that Flipper? You want to offer your views on Sevco?


You think you know what’s wrong, Flipper?


You think they are totally f*cked, Flipper?


A prisoner of their appropriated history, misplaced superiority complex and addiction to waiting for a Sugar Daddy, Flipper?


You think they aren’t helped by a mainstream media which would rather keep saying ‘Old Firm’ at random intervals than ask anyone at Ibrox a few searching questions on the record, Flipper?


Yes I did hear you say ‘f*cked’, Flipper…

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You can’t say that The Clumpany didn’t try…

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Cup, Sevco

Pedro’s Water Torture

Picture via @AlisonGConroy

Good Evening.

Well done to Celtic on making it to the Scottish Cup Final, where they will face Aberdeen. I can’t wait. It promises to be a great occasion between the two best sides in Scotland.

Commiserations to Sevco who were distinctly second best in all departments today. Apart from Joe Garner, who remarkably managed to be third best in everything he did in a two horse race.

Despite crashing out, Sevco are still confident of a home tie in the next round and have offered the SFA the use of their microwave if it is needed. 😉

Willie Collum managed not to be completely horrific in every decision he made, which presumably now makes him Scotland’s top referee. Nevertheless, his failure to send Andy Halliday off for this early ‘challenge’ is utterly inexplicable:

Andy Halliday sends Patrick Roberts into next week

Perhaps Collum and his fellow match officials were simply struck dumb by the sight of a player using an actual scythe to bring down an opponent? Whatever the case, the decision still stinks many hours later. 

People complain about fussy refereeing preventing football from being a contact support, but Collum’s failure to award a red card here is an absolute joke. If that ‘tackle’ had appeared in an episode of Casualty, the BBC would probably have been inundated with complaints about showing gratuitous violence.

The Clumpany was most disappointed, however, with Scotland’s Player of the YearJoey Barton who managed to have an even quieter game than he did during the 5-1 mauling earlier this season. What’s going on Joey? You won’t get an enhanced contract from the proceeds of Barrie McKay’s £6m move to RB Leipzig if you don’t buck up your ideas soon!

Barton’s display was once again a complete contest to that of Scott Brown, who was absolutely immense. Brown’s masterclass was a particular shame given how a number of pundits have been howling with outrage at Celtic ‘playing the system’ to allow him to play by appealing his red card against Ross County….

However, the main point I wanted to dwell upon today was the above-pictured curious display from Paperwork Pedro at his post-match press conference. 

In his Sky interview, Pedro was pretty magnanimous about Celtic’s victory, reflecting the genuinely warm words he seemed to exchange with Brendan Rodgers on the pitch after the game. Fair play to him for that. But what was going on at the press conference? Alison Conroy tells us the following 


What possible insight into Sevco’s display could be offered by those liquid-filled glasses?

Over to you Pedro… 😉

“This glass is filled with the tears of my friends in the press who really didn’t want Scott to play. He had a great game. Which gives me no pleasure as I am clearly not an admirer of Celtic Football Club. As the PR man told me.”

“Next to that glass we have a sample of the piss you have all been taking this week by discussing the ‘Old Firm’. Is it not enough that I have the best squad in Scotland to entertain the fans? Why do you need to upset the face-painter and remind other people of painful unpaid bills? I am going to get into trouble for saying that aren’t I? What was that thing I said at my first press conference about ‘history’? Please print that instead.”

“The third glass is where I keep my pet shark. A Celtic fan I know who is [*cough*] also called Pedro Caixinha suggested that I should call the shark ‘Liquidation’. So I did. I like to put on waterskis and jump over him. I have recently broken my waterskis but understand that one of you might be able to lend me some. Is there anyone from the Afternoon Shark-Jump newspaper here? I think that is what my favourite blogger calls it.”

“The fourth glass is from the Chairman’s personal collection. It is called Chateau de War Chest, and is apparently the world’s first completely colourless and odourless red wine.”

“And finally, the fifth glass is what I have called ‘Joe Garner’s Sparkling Water’. You may think that it looks like tepid, lukewarm, still water which has algae growing in it, and which flatters to deceive. In response I would say ‘Well done! Now you know why I have named it after Joe Garner’.”

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Scottish Cup, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Complete Lack Of Imagination


Good Evening.

Imagine the scene.

You’ve got a Scottish newspaper or radio/ TV show to fill with football-related items. 

You look at the weekend’s fixtures and note that as well as there being a substantial league programme, there are also two Scottish Cup semi-finals taking place, featuring the holders and the three top sides in the Premiership. 

Celtic are chasing a Treble, Aberdeen are looking to win their first Scottish Cup in a long time to cement their resurgence of recent years, Sevco are seeking their first ever major trophy, and Hibs are (were!) looking to repeat their remarkable triumph of 2016.

What’s more, all of the sides have sizeable followings and managers with a point to prove. So, in short, the semi-final line-up is very tasty. With plenty of angles to cover and stories to tell.

The Glasgow Derby is undoubtedly the more attention-grabbing of the two ties, bringing together as it does the two biggest-supported sides in Scotland and containing intriguing sub-plots around Brendan Rodgers, Pedro Caixinha, Scott Brown, questions about the standard of refereeing, and the relative form of the two sides.

Cup semi-finals are nearly always – on paper at least – absolute crackers and something to look forward to. This particular set of semi-finals is perhaps above average in terms of the sense of anticipation that surrounds them.

So, overall, if you worked in the press you are likely to find that there is plenty to say about the games, and a willing audience who wants to hear it.

All of which begs the question of why oh why oh why do some outlets seem to think that the most appropriate way to cover the semi-finals is to overwhelmingly focus on only one of them and produce output which goes something like this:

“Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm, Old Firm”.

It won’t take you more than half a second of searching on Google to find the sort of articles to which I am referring.

I am inclined to suggest that this rampant Old Firmery is simply the product of a lack of imagination. Much of the press has ‘always’ covered Scottish football like this and they have little appetite for turning off the autopilot. Why produce interesting takes on the semi-finals when there is some familiar old crap that you can simply dust down?

The alternative is to suspect that some truly spectacular liquidation-denial is occurring. A systematic attempt to pretend that something we all saw didn’t actually occur. The problem with that, of course, is that it insults our intelligence and mocks 276 stiffed creditors (including every taxpayer in the U.K.) in a manner which suggests that Scottish football is some sort of moral vacuum which is to be cherished!

But surely no one working at a mainstream media outlet would have the nerve to do such a thing, would they?

Whatever the truth, the liberal deployment of Old Firmery is piss-taking of the highest order, which deserves our utter contempt.

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Tin Foil Hat Man


Good Evening.

The Clumpany found it amusing that an article poking fun at the ‘tin foil hat’ brigade amongst the Celtic support also managed to wibble about “two Old Firm games on the bounce” without any apparent irony.

The piece of which I speak is yesterday’s column from the Record’s Michael “Mr” Gannon: 

A conspiracy against Celtic? If there is it might just be the worst in history

To be fair, it was largely knockabout stuff. And when dwelling on the implications of the non-penalty which gave Ross County their equaliser against Celtic last weekend, it made a valid point about clubs at the bottom of the table having considerable cause for grievance.

Nevertheless, the piece failed to adequately address the points that 

  • Celtic lost out on three points, 
  • the players missed out on win bonuses; and 
  • the fans didn’t get the chance to savour a victory which they had travelled in hope of seeing.

This is – after all – professional sport, and if you are financially or even emotionally invested in it, you have every right to be pissed off if you feel cheated!
And to then howl about it.

In my opinion, Mr Gannon is simply wrong to say that the penalty and resulting draw “meant nada to the Parkhead club.”

Mr Gannon also failed to dwell upon the vexed questions of how on Earth these terrible refereeing performances keep on occurring, and who is ultimately accountable for them. 

It was nice to learn that referees are apparently upset when they make an arse of their job. However, I would be far more interested in hearing about what will be done to ultimately limit the number of occasions on which they get it so wrong that you start wondering whether they are actually engaged in an innovative form of performance art.

But rather than receiving helpful insights, we instead got some rather cheap sneering at Celtic fans who believe that there may be some sort of conspiracy against the club. 

It is clearly easy to mock these unnamed and unquantified individuals on social media, especially when Celtic have already won the league by a distance and are currently chasing a second cup of the season. Nevertheless, such mocking unfortunately serves to

Frankly, any organisation which can invent the concepts of ‘imperfect registration’ and ‘conditional membership’, which can be party to a secret 5-Way Agreement, and which has questions to answer over the awarding of a UEFA License to the late Rangers FC in 2012, deserves to have its every action treated with the utmost suspicion. 

So it is hardly surprising if some folk question the motivations of referees in quite ‘eye-catching’ terms.

Mr Gannon’s piece was doubtless intended as a lighthearted bit of banter that traded on the ‘popular’ perception/ misconception of ‘Internet Bampots’. But in doing so, he did many of us – and the cause of a fairer, better-run game – a disservice.

The fact that he did so while wearing a wibbletastic ‘Old Firm’-promoting tin foil hat of his own will cause many of us to chuckle at his piece for quite some time!

#KeepOnClumping

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Raging At Celtic


Celtic are taking the p*ss!

They are playing the system! 

It’s cheating!

It’s an abuse of process!

I can’t believe they are getting away with this!

It’s an insult to Scottish football!

Every single club in Scotland should be demanding answers from the SFA!

There should be a march on Hampden!

There should be two marches on Hampden!

With placards.

And flaming torches.

Opponents should refuse to shake hands with Celtic players!

Someone should sue them!

Or get an interdict.

Or both.

Bastards! 

Slimy, rule-breaking, arrogant scum!

Celtic should be thrown out of the game!

Rangers* should boycott the Scottish Cup Semi-Final in protest!

This is one outrage too many!

Celtic are an embarrassment to the beautiful game!

They can f*ck right off.

Now.

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I am sure we all agree that the above is the only sensible response to Celtic Football Club and Scott Brown exercising their right to due process and a fair hearing on the merits of the case against him, and according to SFA-set timescales.

Don’t we?! 😉

#KeepOnClumping