The Clumpany has been informed of an outbreak of unauthorised traders in Glasgow.
Reports reach Clumpany Towers that unsuspecting citizens are getting a sudden tap on their shoulder. And when they look around they see a member of the Scottish sports media asking if they are English and want to buy Kieran Tierney so that he can play South of the Border.
Anyone who says they aren’t English is quizzed as to whether they know anyone who is English who might buy Tierney and then pass him to a Premier League or Championship team.
And if they still can’t help the exasperated media pundit, they are offered money to hire a car, drive Tierney down south and sell him into English football any way they can.
Anything to get Tierney out of Celtic and towards his apparent ‘destiny’ in England…
But the sales drive doesn’t stop there.
Apparently the football shows on Scottish radio have bought a series of franchises in England and a warehouse full of jamming equipment to disrupt other stations. They plan to ensure that wherever you live in England, if you listen to the radio you will hear an appeal for buyers for Kieran Tierney.
Not only that, but apparently EastEnders is to feature a special BBC Scotland-sponsored Kieran Tierney storyline in which the entire population of Albert Square sell all their internal organs to raise enough cash to buy Tierney for their favourite (deliberately-unspecified) East London club.
What’s more, Scottish football journalists are also understood to be prepared to mount vigils outside English football grounds on Transfer Deadline Day and – if necessary – force the Sky employee to report that Tierney has left Celtic for England.
When asked about these rumours, an insider at one of Scotland’s premier sports media outlets told The Clumpany “You only have to read or listen to these guys for a few moments to know they are desperate to see Tierney leave Celtic.
“They can’t even begin to think about enduring a scenario where he plays for Celtic for years on end.
“And to be honest, the idea of him staying for two or three more years and then leaving for genuine megabucks is also really upsetting. So they really want to talk up his departure NOW!”
When asked about The Clumpany’s findings, a representative of the Scottish football media asked The Clumpany if the ether extended to England, and – if so – whether I would like to buy Kieran Tierney.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…