Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Pssst! Wanna Buy Kieran Tierney?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been informed of an outbreak of unauthorised traders in Glasgow.

Reports reach Clumpany Towers that unsuspecting citizens are getting a sudden tap on their shoulder. And when they look around they see a member of the Scottish sports media asking if they are English and want to buy Kieran Tierney so that he can play South of the Border.

Anyone who says they aren’t English is quizzed as to whether they know anyone who is English who might buy Tierney and then pass him to a Premier League or Championship team.

And if they still can’t help the exasperated media pundit, they are offered money to hire a car, drive Tierney down south and sell him into English football any way they can.

Anything to get Tierney out of Celtic and towards his apparent ‘destiny’ in England…

But the sales drive doesn’t stop there.

Apparently the football shows on Scottish radio have bought a series of franchises in England and a warehouse full of jamming equipment to disrupt other stations. They plan to ensure that wherever you live in England, if you listen to the radio you will hear an appeal for buyers for Kieran Tierney.

Not only that, but apparently EastEnders is to feature a special BBC Scotland-sponsored Kieran Tierney storyline in which the entire population of Albert Square sell all their internal organs to raise enough cash to buy Tierney for their favourite (deliberately-unspecified) East London club.

What’s more, Scottish football journalists are also understood to be prepared to mount vigils outside English football grounds on Transfer Deadline Day and – if necessary – force the Sky employee to report that Tierney has left Celtic for England.

When asked about these rumours, an insider at one of Scotland’s premier sports media outlets told The Clumpany “You only have to read or listen to these guys for a few moments to know they are desperate to see Tierney leave Celtic.

“They can’t even begin to think about enduring a scenario where he plays for Celtic for years on end.

“And to be honest, the idea of him staying for two or three more years and then leaving for genuine megabucks is also really upsetting. So they really want to talk up his departure NOW!”

When asked about The Clumpany’s findings, a representative of the Scottish football media asked The Clumpany if the ether extended to England, and – if so – whether I would like to buy Kieran Tierney.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Scottish Football

The Disgusting ‘Lisbon Lions’ Song

Good Evening.

Imagine inventing an entirely fictitious history for your new football club.

Imagine appropriating a room full of trophies and a disused bicycle as your own while you cling to your only actual commemorative possession – which takes the form of a Petrofac Cup.

Imagine ignoring the way that cheating, debt, and a misplaced superiority complex utterly destroyed your former favourite football club.

Imagine developing bizarre coping strategies in the face of all the indications that both the concept of sport and the norms of tax-paying society will eventually find you out.

Imagine finally realising that you aren’t actually ‘The People’. Whatever that might mean.

Imagine having no choice but to realise that a group of your fellow countrymen and city-dwellers are bona fide heroes, a credit to Scotland and football as a whole, and also thoroughly decent, humble men. Men who won one of the greatest prizes in sport without cynicism and by showing quite how beautiful their chosen endeavour could be.

And imagine if those heroes did all of that while wearing green-and-white hoops.

If faced with all of these things, what would you do?

Well… The Clumpany can’t speculate about the choices that any of its readers might make. But I do know that you would have to be a cold, poisonous fuckwit of the highest order to sing about those heroes dying soon.

And you would probably have to be a disgrace to the very concepts of journalism, sports governance and humanity not to call out the singers of such a song for the waste of oxygen that they clearly are.


Celtic, Media, Satire

Celtic Fans: The Worst In The World

Good Evening.

Here is some news.


Experts cast doubt on value of Celtic’s ‘Best Fans’ award.

By U.R. Pish-Talking

Celtic’s so-called ‘success’ in the ‘Best Fans’ category of the Best FIFA Football Awards2017 has been trashed by top experts in the field of expertise.

The full-stadium display – a 50th Anniversary tribute to the misnamed ‘Lisbon Lions’, who were once exposed by DNA scientists as not actually being big cats – was applauded at the time of its unveiling by Celtic fans.

A Professor of Crowd Stuff who asked not to be identified by our attempted newspaper was damning when asked a hilariously leading question. “Self-praise is no praise!” he exclaimed.

“Where were the busloads of art critics to offer a genuine critical analysis of the tribute?”

A fellow academic was also quick to put the boot in.

A highly-respected Doctor of Environmental Things pointed out the massive carbon footprint of all the fans travelling to the stadium, and suggested it could add as much as a completely hypothetical amount to global temperatures before the day is out. Shockingly, he also said a few random things about “clearing up the rubbish afterwards, landfill, and blocked shipping lanes.”

The Chief Harrumphing About Drinking Officer for Scotland also had their say. “People would probably have had a drink before and after the match where that display was shown.” he said.

“FIFA are sending out a terrible signal by giving this award to Celtic fans who drink. Why not give the award to a fan base that never touches booze, instead?”

A top European expert in Arm-Related Bullshit Punditry added her voice to the criticism of the award-winning Lisbon Lions display. “Have you any idea how much damage people will have done to their arms when lifting up their card?

“I don’t. But I’m not going to let that stop me from saying that it was utterly reckless in the expectation that you will print it! Shame on the organisers for risking people’s joints and muscles like that.”

Finally, just as this piece was about to go to press we received an unprecedented phone call from the Global Head of Petitions and Moon-howling at the United Nations who was in a high state of alarm.

I can’t believe that FIFA has been so stupid as to give this award to Celtic fans” she said.

“It’s an absolute outrage. Have they any idea about the extent of the seethe that is going to ensue? Have they the first clue about the tsunami of snide comments from media pundits and English football fans with amazingly-talented nans that is going to be unleashed?”, she continued.

“It could sweep humanity away. We could all drown in a sea of Sevconian tears. Mark my words, Celtic fans winning this award is a very bad thing.”

“A very VERY bad thing indeed.”


And if you think that’s ridiculous, you may like to take a look at this:

Celtic win FIFA fans award for Lisbon Lions display before ‘unsafe’ flares controversy in match against Hearts😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun...

Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football

Emergency Assistance For Celtic Fans

Were you upset by Neil Lennon cupping his ears during today’s lively Celtic-Hibs League Cup semi-final?

Were you tempted to call the police about Lennon’s actions?

Were you thinking that it was an absolute outrage that a successful Fenian tried to engage in faintly-mocking banter?

Do you feel that you deserve better?

Do you feel that Lennon doesn’t know his place when encountering a Big Team?

Are you convinced that Neil Lennon just can’t help himself?

Do you want to see Lennon crushed because of his uppity activities?

Do you think Lennon has got away with his ‘shameless provocation’ for far too long?

No? Excellent! You must be a human being with a sense of perspective about a game of football.

Have you therefore ever thought of undertaking educational missionary work with those less-fortunate? Namely Sevco fans?

If so, please call Club 1872. Not to offer any assistance, but to simply deliver the heartfelt guffawing they are due.😉


Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Brendan Rodgers: Scotland Manager

Good Evening.

Have you ever wondered what the next step up from ‘clickbait’ might be when it comes to the output of the Scottish sports media?

I have. And today I think I may have found an answer.

The answer appears to be “unadulteratedly embarrassing shite”. 😉

And here it is…

SFA should ask Celtic boss Brendan Rodgers if he wants the Scotland job

In which Scott McDermott throws out a few names for the extremely uncoveted role of international stunt man prepared to take a fall for the SFA one day. A post which is also known as “The Scotland Football Manager”.

Mr McDermott’s list – if you can attribute such systematic thinking to the piece – includes a variety of familiar, exotic, edgy and clearly unattainable names.

The latter category includes someone who ends up being the heart of the attempted article: a certain undefeated treble-winning, twice-Champions League-qualifying Celtic manager who also has credentials from English Premier League clubs.

Yes, that’s right. The piece says some random stuff about how it wouldn’t hurt the SFA to try asking Brendan Rodgers about doing the Scotland job alongside the Celtic responsibilities to which he appears deeply committed, and to which he seems to recommit on an almost hourly basis!


Well, Mr McDermott, let us note the following:

  • Brendan Rodgers’ employers have multiple reasons (both contractual and in terms of a shameful lack of even-handed governance) to tell the SFA to fuck off as far as possible and then a bit further; and
  • Brendan himself has some modicum of ambition beyond being the next blazer-wearing scapegoat for years of failure by the SFA’s international side…

And let us therefore conclude that you really would be just as well printing a picture of Mr Spoon – noted traveller to Button Moon – in your paper and explaining why there is no harm in asking him to do the job instead. After all, he might accept, and he might be brilliant at it.

What’s the harm in asking, eh?

Alternatively, perhaps we could ask a VHS cassette of the film ‘Braveheart’ to be the next Scotland manager? Sure, it might be a bit old-school and rough around the edges, but you couldn’t fault the passion that it would put on display. Assuming you could find a VHS player…

There’s no harm in asking the VHS cassette there?

Then again, maybe the Dark Lord Sauron could be approached? Yes he is a fictional character, and yes he did once come a cropper merely by virtue of a ring being cut off his finger. But he’s a ‘name’ isn’t he? Look at the alternatives! Gollum? Frodo Baggins? Elves? Surely Sauron is the man to ask about being the next Scotland manager?

What’s the worst he could do? Try and lay waste to a fictitious land like others have tried to trash a sport through imperfectly registered players?

I am sure you will agree that there is no harm in asking Sauron whether he fancies the job…

Of course, the other option available to the Sunday Mail in its search for a column inch-filling ‘solution’ to Scotland’s managerial vacancy might be to simply print a picture of a pile of manure (the bigger and more steaming the better) and ask its readers “do you smell shite?”.

Some sort of meaningful insight is bound to result from the debate on such an appropriately-framed question.

Isn’t it?


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Scott Brown Does Nothing Wrong

Good Evening.

You may have missed this article in an imaginary newspaper yesterday…


Scott Brown Never Touched That Caravan

Alfredo Morelos went down after no Scott Brown-related incident, and the Hoops skipper will quite reasonably face no disciplinary action.

By A. Realist

Celtic skipper Scott Brown will face no action because nothing happened at Ibrox.

Ibrox boss Pedro Caixinha was left seething for no apparent reason, however he accused Brown of aiming an elbow at his player. Or was it an arse? Pedro doesn’t know one from the other.

The pair even ended up nose-to-nose as the teams made their way down the tunnel at half-time and Brown was heard to say, “if you don’t have a team talk to give, do you mind fetching me another pair of slippers for the second half? And maybe the paper to read? And say hi to Kenny Miller for me if you are still speaking”.

Nothing untoward happened seconds before the interval as Brown played football in the general vicinity of Morelos.

In a shock development, referee Craig Thomson did not blow for a foul because there was clearly no foul to penalise. And as a direct consequence of nothing happening, Scottish Football Association compliance officer Tony McGlennan has decided that nothing happened and he has gone for an early lunch to watch Bargain Hunt on the canteen TV.

Celtic striker Leigh Griffiths is also in the clear after doing nothing that could possibly leave him in any state other than in the clear. Gers* fans had wanted him taken to task for some random thing they thought they could pretend to take offence at.

The decision not to sanction Brown for doing nothing will inexplicably anger Caixinha, who warned the Celtic captain he would have sorted him out like an untidy caravan had he been on the pitch.

“I was angry at half-time, did you see it?” asked Pedro after the defeat which has seen his team slip further into the mire of failure.

“It’s the second time it happened. It was the same in April. I saw Brown’s elbows. This is not good for my players, but more importantly imaginary swinging elbows make a mess inside an imaginary caravan. I told the fourth official as well as the Caravan and Camping Club – but they let it go.

“Scott Brown was coming off and I told him, ‘You mess up that caravan, but if I was on the pitch you wouldn’t. The cushions would be straight, the washing up would have been done, a small lamp would have been switched on and some soothing music would have been playing’.

“I wouldn’t have allowed him to put his recyclable bottle of water in the wrong bin. If someone does something which may cause dogs to bark at the caravan I have to defend my caravan, my bins and the pleasant ambience of surprisingly-inexpensive mobile accommodation.

“If they don’t think it’s an outrage worthy of punishment it’s their decision. I need to respect while making plans to tidy the caravan.

“If I was in the caravan and I had to see Brown or other people like him causing untidiness with their elbows it would be a different thing. It was a shame that I couldn’t be in the caravan because I know the desire for order and caravan cleanliness I have.”

However, former English top-flight referee and suspected caravan enthusiast Dermot Gallagher played down the non-incident on the basis that absolutely nothing happened. Caravan-based or otherwise.

He told Sky Sports News: “I don’t know what’s upsetting Pedro, but there’s definitely nothing occurring in the film of the non-incident. Zero, zilch, nothing.

“I’ve seen caravans. Big things they are. They could do some real damage on a football pitch. There was no caravan there. Or camper van. Or tent. Not even an AGM gazebo. And you can’t miss a gazebo. Lovely animals. They are not keen on lions though. OOFT! I’ve seen them on wildlife documentaries. You get a lioness and a gazebo and there’s only one winner. And it’s not Dave King’s annual effort to secure the disapplication of preemption rights.”

And former Rangers* striker Steven Thompson claims Caixinha should be more concerned with the things that aren’t happening with his own side.

“I was bit embarrassed for Pedro Caixinha if I’m being honest,” the pundit told BBC Scotland’s ‘BarelyAnyFootballScenes’ programme. “He was trying to create a caravan kerfuffle, but he should be concentrating on nothing happening in defence, midfield, attack or in terms of credible tifos

“There was nothing in it. Scott Brown certainly didn’t ransack an imaginary caravan.”


And if you think the above is ridiculous… 😉

Celtic skipper Scott Brown won’t face SFA action over alleged elbow on Alfredo Morelos


Further caravan shenanigans can be found here:

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

The True Story Of Pedro’s Caravan

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football

A Question For Gordon Parks

Patrick Roberts was delighted to be given the coveted ‘GIRUY Sunday Mail’ slot in the Celtic squad

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is thinking of opening an extensive new footballing facility in one of Scotland’s barren wastelands. It will be a footballing facility in which shite performers can struggle at no more than a Sunday League standard. I am thinking calling it The ‘Gordon’ Parks. 😉

Why? Well, like many of you, The Clumpany guffawed its way through this truly remarkable piece from the Funday Fail’s Gordon Parks.

Celtic star Patrick Roberts has shown a lack of ambition by returning to Scotland – Gordon Parks

Seriously, the apparent tears in that article are so sweet that they may actually attract a swarm of bees.

Watch out Gordon!

A cynical (and possibly accurate) assessment would be that Parks was simply writing clickbait to get a reaction. If that is the case, then so be it. But it would certainly give you no choice but to marvel at the depths the Mail/Record is prepared to plumb in order to get any sort of attention these days

Conversely, if the piece really was Parks’ honestly-held personal opinion, it would certainly give you no choice but to marvel at the depths the Mail/Record is prepared to plumb in order to get any sort of attention these days…

‘Shite’ is not the word for it.

The words “Champions League games aside” are so spectacular as to be deserving of everlasting infamy. They were the equivalent of writing “I know my point is a complete pile of crap, but I am going to make it anyway”. That takes some nerve, or the complete removal of your senses of self-awareness and self-respect.

Dear me.

The Clumpany has a strong urge to ask Parks why Manchester City allowed Patrick Roberts to go back to Celtic if his career, progression and value are going to stagnate or even deteriorate by going back to Celtic.

I’d also like to hear Parks pontificate on the positives for Scottish football in having a talent like Roberts in its midst.

And – given the chance – I would also be minded to enquire what Roberts or his representative said to Parks when he put the concerns outlined his piece to them…

However, I will simply limit myself to this question instead:

Gordon, your article paints a pretty bleak picture of the state of Scottish football, which Patrick Roberts and his parent club have signed up to for another season. In fact it’s an absolutely scathing assessment. What specific things about domestic Scottish football would need to be different in order for you to say that Patrick Roberts has made a great, progressive career move in committing one year of his career to Celtic?

I wonder what his answer could possibly be?