Celtic, Media, SFA

Peter Lawwell Raises An Eyebrow

Good Evening.

Celtic CEO Peter Lawwell says few things in public.

Some of us think he has said piss-takingly few things in public given how his club – and its fans and shareholders – have seemingly been taken for a ride by the SFA’s approach to player registration, European licensing and coal-raking.

Amongst other things.

However, Mr Lawwell has tonight raised an eyebrow in public. An eyebrow raised in the direction of certain offices and office holders in Hampden.

Peter Lawwell does not readily move facial muscles in public. And he certainly doesn’t often do it in a way that might catch the eye of any potentially Rangers (IL)-pining elements of the Scottish sports media.

But he did so today. An eyebrow went up, and it seemed as though it was directed towards the SFA.

Elevated eyebrows are usually solely a matter for their owner. They generally convey no more than a casual gesture. However, we are taking about a Peter Lawwell eyebrow here.

And one which he raised without the assistance of his usually-hidden Fenian hand.

We will see how this almost imperceptible Lawwell contribution to the debate about the shambolic state of the governance of Scottish football pans out.

But, for what it’s worth, I suspect that whenever SFA office holders see a Peter Lawwell eyebrow in upward motion, they may have reason to try and restrain their bowels from ejecting an outward motion.

Let us hope so. After all, it seems as though there might be an awful lot of Hampden ‘shit’ worthy of expulsion. 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, Satire, Scottish Football

The Great Celtic Park Conspiracy

Good Evening.

Not lifted from an online Sevco fans’ forum…


The Troof About The Piggery

The smug Bheasts are about to get what’s coming to them, because I have finally uncovered the embarrassing truth about that shitehole of a stadium of theirs.

Liewwell and all his puppets in the SFA and mhedia have been covering this up for years, but I spoke to my sources and gathered info from the 5 corners of the werld.

Their fans shout the odds about “Paradise” (parasite would be a better description of that filth) but they couldn’t be more wrong. And they know it. They all just toe the Liewwell line so the Co-op bank don’t call in all the loans and kill off Pacific Shelf once and for all.

Bears. Remember where you heard this, and remember to tell everyone you know the humiliating truth about Sellick Park.


That’s right. There is no such thing as Parashite. It’s just a patch of wasteland when you’s use my investigative methods and acshully take a look for yourself.

All the games you see on TV – they are played in front of a green screen in a warehouse. A warehouse which the council gave them for free in another blaaytant piece of State Aid.

There’s no stadium, no pitch and no match day income. The ‘crowds’ are holograms. It’s no wonder their finances are so fucked.

Once you know the truth, Bears, it all seems so obvious. Not that their fuckwit fans will admit it. I stood outside the so-called stadium and told some passing scum that I knew all about the Big Secret and was going to expose the fact that Sellick Park doesn’t exist. As you would expect, they were in total denial and shouted abuse about “what do you think that big bastard stadium is over there then, you fantasist?”.

Spread the word Bears. The end is coming for the Bheasts. Tick tock.



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

An Appeal For Grace

Good Evening.

The Clumpany needs to issue a New Year’s Eve appeal to try and reunite someone with an-apparently lost item.

The Clumpany is always happy to help folk out whenever possible, so if you can assist in any way, please do not hesitate to contact me. Let’s see if we can start 2018 by making someone very happy indeed.

I don’t have a lot to go on, but I can tell you the following.

The person I am looking for is a woman.

She is called Grace.

She is apparently of above-average height.

In fact, Grace is possibly about 200 feet tall, and presumably has either hands/ handbag of commensurate proportions.

Grace is known to the BBC Scotland Sports department and may have an unfortunate habit of dropping things.

If you know Grace – and I suspect her likely height may make her fairly easy to identify – please can you tell her that Celtic Football Club can be found at Celtic Park in Glasgow?

Many thanks in advance for your assistance, and Happy New Year.

Oh, and in case you were wondering how The Clumpany became aware of this unfortunate parting of towering lady and Celtic, please see the following Tweet from BBC Scotland.

If you are reading this Grace, please stay strong, and may nothing else fall from your grasp.


Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

When Dembele Almost Left Celtic

Good Afternoon.

Hope you all had a good Christmas.

The Clumpany was entertained by Sky Sports News’ Christmas Day ‘story’ that Moussa Dembele was on his way out of Celtic for £18m.

It would have seemed quite the scoop to get big transfer news on that most special of days… had the ‘story’ not stunk of Reindeer shite piled as high as a mountain after Rudolph had over-indulged on Christmas Eve carrots.

And what a stench it was! A pure, unadulterated, festering, festive time-filling turd of the worst kind. Anyone who swallowed it must surely be spending the rest of the Christmas holidays on a Gaviscon drip to ease the internal burning.

Such was the Sherry-infused tsunami of pish gushed forth from Sky that even parts of the Scottish MSM seemingly felt able to guffaw the least self-aware guffaws you will ever witness.

Good grief, what a pile of crap!

So what happened? How did Sky find itself running an item of space-filling garbage which Celtic dismissed quicker than you would an invitation from Stewart Regan and Neil Doncaster to attend a seminar on Sporting Integrity?

Well, Clumpany sources have uncovered a bizarre (and [*cough*] definitely NOT fictitious) tale…

Apparently Jim White received this as a Secret Santa present at the office Christmas party…

Yes that’s right. A stick of red, white and blue Brighton rock . But not just any old stick of red, white and blue Brighton rock.

Apparently this is a magic stick of Brighton rock. It doesn’t just sit there waiting to be eaten. No, it can jump up and down and talk!

And so it was that at 5am on Christmas Day ‘Sticky’ the stick of Brighton Rock jumped up and down on Jim White’s head shouting “Transfer bullsh*t, Jim! Transfer bullsh*t!”.

At first Jim ignored Sticky’s cries, putting them down to the after-effects of some strong cheese just before bed. So Sticky tried a new approach and put on a yellow tie and shouted “Sky sources Jim! Transfer bullsh*! Sky sources!”.

And that was it! Jim had no choice but to pay attention to Staunch Sticky’s ‘news’ about Moussa Dembele going to Brighton for £18m. He apparently liked the cut of Sticky’s jib and called the tip-off into Sky Sports, who promptly ran with it!

You can only salute Sky for continually breaking the big transfer stories. The Clumpany can hardly wait for the next one…

  • Jim’s bowl of Lancashire hotpot tells him that the Manchester clubs are locked in a race to sign Kieran Tierney?
  • Jim’s Red Leicester cheese sandwich alerts Jim to the former Premier League Champions’ interest in Leigh Griffiths?
  • A toffee gets stuck in Jim’s teeth and reveals Everton’s plan to swoop for Tom Rogic?

Stay tuned…



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Pssst! Wanna Buy Kieran Tierney?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been informed of an outbreak of unauthorised traders in Glasgow.

Reports reach Clumpany Towers that unsuspecting citizens are getting a sudden tap on their shoulder. And when they look around they see a member of the Scottish sports media asking if they are English and want to buy Kieran Tierney so that he can play South of the Border.

Anyone who says they aren’t English is quizzed as to whether they know anyone who is English who might buy Tierney and then pass him to a Premier League or Championship team.

And if they still can’t help the exasperated media pundit, they are offered money to hire a car, drive Tierney down south and sell him into English football any way they can.

Anything to get Tierney out of Celtic and towards his apparent ‘destiny’ in England…

But the sales drive doesn’t stop there.

Apparently the football shows on Scottish radio have bought a series of franchises in England and a warehouse full of jamming equipment to disrupt other stations. They plan to ensure that wherever you live in England, if you listen to the radio you will hear an appeal for buyers for Kieran Tierney.

Not only that, but apparently EastEnders is to feature a special BBC Scotland-sponsored Kieran Tierney storyline in which the entire population of Albert Square sell all their internal organs to raise enough cash to buy Tierney for their favourite (deliberately-unspecified) East London club.

What’s more, Scottish football journalists are also understood to be prepared to mount vigils outside English football grounds on Transfer Deadline Day and – if necessary – force the Sky employee to report that Tierney has left Celtic for England.

When asked about these rumours, an insider at one of Scotland’s premier sports media outlets told The Clumpany “You only have to read or listen to these guys for a few moments to know they are desperate to see Tierney leave Celtic.

“They can’t even begin to think about enduring a scenario where he plays for Celtic for years on end.

“And to be honest, the idea of him staying for two or three more years and then leaving for genuine megabucks is also really upsetting. So they really want to talk up his departure NOW!”

When asked about The Clumpany’s findings, a representative of the Scottish football media asked The Clumpany if the ether extended to England, and – if so – whether I would like to buy Kieran Tierney.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Scottish Football

The Disgusting ‘Lisbon Lions’ Song

Good Evening.

Imagine inventing an entirely fictitious history for your new football club.

Imagine appropriating a room full of trophies and a disused bicycle as your own while you cling to your only actual commemorative possession – which takes the form of a Petrofac Cup.

Imagine ignoring the way that cheating, debt, and a misplaced superiority complex utterly destroyed your former favourite football club.

Imagine developing bizarre coping strategies in the face of all the indications that both the concept of sport and the norms of tax-paying society will eventually find you out.

Imagine finally realising that you aren’t actually ‘The People’. Whatever that might mean.

Imagine having no choice but to realise that a group of your fellow countrymen and city-dwellers are bona fide heroes, a credit to Scotland and football as a whole, and also thoroughly decent, humble men. Men who won one of the greatest prizes in sport without cynicism and by showing quite how beautiful their chosen endeavour could be.

And imagine if those heroes did all of that while wearing green-and-white hoops.

If faced with all of these things, what would you do?

Well… The Clumpany can’t speculate about the choices that any of its readers might make. But I do know that you would have to be a cold, poisonous fuckwit of the highest order to sing about those heroes dying soon.

And you would probably have to be a disgrace to the very concepts of journalism, sports governance and humanity not to call out the singers of such a song for the waste of oxygen that they clearly are.


Celtic, Media, Satire

Celtic Fans: The Worst In The World

Good Evening.

Here is some news.


Experts cast doubt on value of Celtic’s ‘Best Fans’ award.

By U.R. Pish-Talking

Celtic’s so-called ‘success’ in the ‘Best Fans’ category of the Best FIFA Football Awards2017 has been trashed by top experts in the field of expertise.

The full-stadium display – a 50th Anniversary tribute to the misnamed ‘Lisbon Lions’, who were once exposed by DNA scientists as not actually being big cats – was applauded at the time of its unveiling by Celtic fans.

A Professor of Crowd Stuff who asked not to be identified by our attempted newspaper was damning when asked a hilariously leading question. “Self-praise is no praise!” he exclaimed.

“Where were the busloads of art critics to offer a genuine critical analysis of the tribute?”

A fellow academic was also quick to put the boot in.

A highly-respected Doctor of Environmental Things pointed out the massive carbon footprint of all the fans travelling to the stadium, and suggested it could add as much as a completely hypothetical amount to global temperatures before the day is out. Shockingly, he also said a few random things about “clearing up the rubbish afterwards, landfill, and blocked shipping lanes.”

The Chief Harrumphing About Drinking Officer for Scotland also had their say. “People would probably have had a drink before and after the match where that display was shown.” he said.

“FIFA are sending out a terrible signal by giving this award to Celtic fans who drink. Why not give the award to a fan base that never touches booze, instead?”

A top European expert in Arm-Related Bullshit Punditry added her voice to the criticism of the award-winning Lisbon Lions display. “Have you any idea how much damage people will have done to their arms when lifting up their card?

“I don’t. But I’m not going to let that stop me from saying that it was utterly reckless in the expectation that you will print it! Shame on the organisers for risking people’s joints and muscles like that.”

Finally, just as this piece was about to go to press we received an unprecedented phone call from the Global Head of Petitions and Moon-howling at the United Nations who was in a high state of alarm.

I can’t believe that FIFA has been so stupid as to give this award to Celtic fans” she said.

“It’s an absolute outrage. Have they any idea about the extent of the seethe that is going to ensue? Have they the first clue about the tsunami of snide comments from media pundits and English football fans with amazingly-talented nans that is going to be unleashed?”, she continued.

“It could sweep humanity away. We could all drown in a sea of Sevconian tears. Mark my words, Celtic fans winning this award is a very bad thing.”

“A very VERY bad thing indeed.”


And if you think that’s ridiculous, you may like to take a look at this:

Celtic win FIFA fans award for Lisbon Lions display before ‘unsafe’ flares controversy in match against Hearts😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun...