Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Sunday Newspapers Need To Move To A Different Day

Good Evening

Not appearing in a Sunday newspaper any time soon. 😉


The Sunday Newspapers Love Being Published On A Sunday But Need To Move To Fulfil Their Potential

The Clumpany reckons that the Scottish Sunday papers would love to stick around in their ‘second half of the weekend’ slot, but deep down they know that they need to test themselves elsewhere.

By T. Clumpany

The Clumpany has long felt that while they might be well-established and comfortable in their traditional slot, the Sunday papers were always likely to have to contemplate a move that would take them out of their comfort zone.

I would like to make it clear that I do not subscribe to the view of my good pal Alan (who I still haven’t seen in ages) that the entire mainstream media should just “piss off into oblivion”. That seems an unnecessarily harsh perspective (and no, I don’t say that because I think they should f*ck off to oblivion instead. 😉).

No, I feel confident that Scotland’s Sunday papers still have a contribution to make towards our understanding of world events and the sport we love. However, I have no doubt that those responsible for them know deep down that they are ready for a fresh challenge.

It is perhaps unfortunate for them that the challenge may have come knocking on their door sooner than they expected. Or, to be more precise, knocking and then dragging them out of the house before bundling them into the back of a van. But there is no accounting for events overtaking you.

So the choice now facing the Scottish Sunday papers is whether to cling on to the same old routine and an all-too-familiar environment like a house guest who has so far outstayed their welcome that you don’t know whether to call them a taxi or a hearse. Or to instead make a bold move and seize an exciting new opportunity.

The Clumpany can now exclusively reveal that the Scottish Sunday papers are about to be offered a move to a different day, courtesy of the generosity of the Bampot Community. The fine details of the offer are yet to be hammered out but The Clumpany feels sure that these papers will end up much better appreciated if they take up the challenge.

The day on offer is the 29th February, and to sweeten the deal the Bampot Community accepts that the papers could still be published when it falls on a Sunday. With 100 years’ notice.

Oh yes, and that’s the 29th February on (or up?) Uranus.

What’s it to be lads? Wasting away where you are in Scottish Sundays, or going for something more challenging?


Meanwhile… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, Gerrard, Media, Satire

A War That Celtic Cannot Win

Good Evening.

Probably not in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…


Stevie G And Walter Go To War With Celtic

The Champions League-winning Champions League winner plans to hold a summit with the Gers icon to formulate a plan to destroy Celtic. Literally.

By A. Battle-Fever.

Steven Gerrard has wasted no time in setting up a serious sit-down with his illustrious* predecessor* and fully intends to get the low-down on how to blast Celtic into smithereens.

The high-powered encounter promises to strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players as they prepare for a surely-doomed assault on 8-in-a-row.

Walter Smith has been the go-to guy for Gerrard’s predecessors, and the veteran former manager has never failed to deliver advice that has resulted in devastating consequences. [Don’t say for who – Ed.]

Now the legendary Liverpool legend looks set to team-up with the legnedary Rangers legned to deliver Celtic’s worst nightmare.

“Nuclear weapons” said a source close to Rangers*.

That’s what Walter can bring to the table. Celtic won’t know what has hit them. Stevie G will love it.”

Our insider confirmed that it wouldn’t just be the Wisdom of Walter that would be assisting Gerrard.

“It’s a little-known fact that Graeme Souness was on the brink of inflicting nuclear armageddon on Celtic in the 1980s. The only reason he didn’t was his realisation that his tackling during games could do far worse damage.

“There was no problem with David Murray paying for the weapon. He was always great at buying absolute weapons – just look at the players he signed over the years. The bank was fully on board to extend the club’s* overdraft to pay for any sort of annihilation of Celtic that he fancied.

“However, Graeme thought a few of his trademark on-pitch assaults could do the job quite nicely instead.

“Obviously Stevie G won’t be playing for Rangers* this season, but he’ll surely love the idea of using Souness’s Plan B.”

It is understood that Walter and Stevie G will meet as soon as the Rangers* squad returns from its current unsuccessful continental bus-spotting expedition.

“It’s going to be an awe-inspiring spectacle”, said our insider, who asked not to be named in case UN Weapons Inspectors got on his case.

“Stevie G will be sitting there in the Blue Room ready to talk total destruction, and Walter will walk in wearing his best stare and brown brogues. They’ll agree on a launch date and time for the weapon, have a cup of tea, and then go home.

“Celtic’s days are numbered.”

When asked if we could see the nuclear weapon, and why he appeared to be making a rudimentary catapult out of a rubber band, and a y-shaped stick emblazoned with the words ‘Stevie’s Celtic Smasher’ our source told us to “f*ck off and write the correct story”.


Meanwhile… 😉

Picture via @Celt_Bhoy1888


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Clumpany Matters

Taking The Alternative View

Good Evening.

I have no personal interest in the compensation-related issue which has excited many a Celtic fan today. I don’t have any inside knowledge, and I am not writing this blog to order.

I am simply calling it as I see it, and if you think my view is a steaming pile of horseshit, I’m relaxed about it.

So here is something to ponder…

If folk read about a Sevco fan refusing to challenge the ‘club’ over an alleged health and safety issue out of ‘Loyalty’, they would roundly mock the apparent kowtowing to their ‘betters’ in the directors’ box.

They would laugh out loud at the very idea that someone might not seek redress for alleged injury and any subsequent impact on their lives. They would also scoff at the notion of not asking questions about match day safety because it might raise awkward issues for the ‘club’.

And in laughing at the Sevco fan they would probably feel very fortunate indeed to be part of a fan base that doesn’t show blind deference to people just because they wear a club tie.

We are blessed to have a country where resolution and redress can be sought through due process. What sort of place would it be to live in if people were shouted down – and worse – just because of who they wished to challenge?

I’ll tell you. It would be a really shite place to live.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the alleged ‘fan v Celtic’ issue which is getting so many people excited. Nor do I want to know. It is the business of the people involved. They owe people outside the scope of the dispute absolutely no information whatsoever, even if aspects of it play out in public via the courts. They are private citizens and they can deal with the issue as they see fit.

If you feel angry about their actions, that’s fine. But don’t abuse them for looking out for themselves when they feel that they have a problem to resolve. There isn’t a single person on this planet who won’t have prioritised their health and well-being above all other considerations at some point in their lives.

Instead of wishing them ill and hoping for the failure of the ventures which give them a livelihood, why not just simply decide not to buy anything from them in future? And why not unfollow them on social media?

I prefer to live and let live in these sort of matters rather than suddenly transform into the sort of Sevco fan that bewilders, appalls and amuses us on a regular basis.

But you must make your own choice


Celtic, Satire, Sevco, SFA, SPFL

A Disgraceful Conflict Of Interest

Good Afternoon.

It has come to The Clumpany’s attention that large numbers of administrators in the SFA and SPFL are fatally compromised.


Well, probably.

No definitely.


F*ck it, they are all clearly as guilty as sin.

The really bad sort of sin.

Not the ‘administrative oversight’ or the ‘imperfectly sinful’ sort of sin.

I mean the bloody outrageous, banged-to-rights sort of sin.

The sort of sin that would cause Satan to blush were his burning skin not already bright red.

I speak of an absolutely appalling conflict of interest which means that the Hampden top brass has to resign en masse.

Let me explain.

You know Celtic share-owning Celtic supporter and Celtic board member, Dermot ‘Celtic Man’ Desmond?

Yes that’s him there. Flagrantly associating with Celtic players as if there is no tomorrow.

Well let me tell you something about Dermot Desmond. And you might want to sit down for this as it is a truly shocking revelation.

Dermot Desmond likes golf.


In fact, Dermot Desmond PLAYS golf.


Look, there he is.

Oh and there he is again, looking very pleased with himself, and practically bringing football into disrepute.

It is Dermot Desmond’s golfing activities that have compromised the Hampden top brass.

Do you know how?

I’ll tell you.

Because folk who work at the SFA and SPFL also play golf.

Not necessarily with Dermot Desmond. In fact almost certainly NOT with Dermot Desmond.

But they play golf. And that’s practically a smoking gun in terms of a conflict of interest.

You can easily imagine an SFPL or SFA officer lining up a putt on the 18th green and thinking to themselves “Dermot Desmond also plays golf. When I get back to the office I must rig Scottish football to give Celtic an unfair advantage.”

It’s a disgrace, so it is!

Before anyone asks, no I don’t have any evidence of which Scottish football administrators play golf. Nor do I have any proof of what they think about, or whether they act on their thoughts.

It’s clearly far better to revel in the attention to be gained from throwing out accusations.

So, all in all it would be best for Scottish football for these conflicted people with golfing links to Dermot Desmond to be thrown out of the game.

And for Dave King to be put in charge.

After all, he’s famous for being a caddy and thereby completely removed from the terrible golf-playing taint.

Isn’t he? 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a satire on the week’s piss-poor real-life comedy…

Celtic, Clumpany Matters

The ‘Celtic News Now’ Blog

Good Evening.

Yes I *know* this blog isn’t the place you come to for actual Celtic news (although some still seem shocked at discovering this fact!).

The above title refers to the excellent Celtic News Now app, which:

a) collates all manner of outstanding non-MSM articles and blogs in one place;

b) thereby gives many talented ‘non-professional’ writers a large Celtic-minded audience; and

c) takes pity on the tsunami of effluent pouring out of Clumpany Towers on a daily basis.

They also deliver Celtic team news and score notifications which include terms such as ‘get in’, as well as lots of exclamation marks. Let’s face it, you don’t get that from BBC Sport. Or the X-Factor app.

The Celtic News Now folk do a cracking, gap-in-the-market-filling job in their own time and I am very happy to draw your attention to the new version of the app which they have just released.

You can find it for Android here.

And for iOS here.

I understand that all Five-Star reviews you are able to give the app are very helpful in moving it up the relevant charts and in ensuing it’s visibility to the wisest possible audience.

So, in short, we have good folk, doing great Celtic (and Sevco!)-related work, who would love you to download their app and rate it highly.

I am grateful for their support over the last few years. I have downloaded the app and will be giving them the full five stars!

I hope you can do likewise!


Celtic, Hibernian, Scottish Football

How To Deal With A Celtic Defeat

Good Evening.

Here are some Clumpany tips following today’s Hibs-Celtic game.

If you are a Celtic fan who has seen it all and who possesses a sense of perspective, you deserve a pat on the back.

If you are a Hibs fan, get yourself several large drinks. Three points have been well earned at the business end of the season. Your side had a good go at Celtic and won the game. Fair play to them!

If you are a Sevco fan enjoying Celtic getting beaten, or a Celtic fan feeling utterly anguished about the Hoops’ third domestic defeat in almost two full seasons then I have the following to say to you…

FFS get a grip. This is football. It is a competitive sport, and while we all may have lived through decades of win-at-all costs cheating by the first Ibrox club, that doesn’t mean that it was even remotely normal or acceptable! Despite the attitude of governing bodies and some journalists.

Sport is supposed to be competitive,

Upsets are supposed to happen.

If sport is rigged and/or predictable, it is wrong!

No really.

For the benefit of any David Murray era-pining Sevco fans/ journalists (or People who are both – you know who you are…), let me make something absolutely clear….

Sport is almost always at its best when upsets can happen.

When every team and their supporters can have a day in the sun,

When expectation and any sort of sense of entitlement can be blown out of the water.

This is what you sign up for when you take an interest in sport. If you expect perpetual success, or require your team to do ‘whatever it takes’ to win, then you are a dangerous individual who should be kept away from any sort of position of responsibility.

Because you are a menace.

You don’t want to see a sport. You want to see a procession in honour of your own self-centredness.

You want to have your aching insecurities soothed by shafting others.

And as such, you really should GTF and spend your time in a more appropriate manner than pretending to like football.

Perhaps you could buy a bike and chase after Lance Armstrong to get his autograph?

Hopefully it will turn out to be written in invisible ink and you will learn a valuable lesson.

Well done Hibs!

Let’s get it right next time, Celtic!


Celtic, Scottish Football

Scott Brown: Pretend Victim

Good Afternoon.

Not appearing in today’s papers:


Scott Brown: Pretend Victim

The Celtic skipper dishes it out, and we are supposed to feel sorry for him when he pretends that he’s been wronged. He can GTF!

By ex-pro, A. Hammer-Thrower

There he goes again. Scott Brown making a meal of a supposedly ‘bad tackle’ and trying to get his fellow professionals sent off.

I should probably apologise to the massed ranks of my former footballing colleagues for that remark. To describe Brown as a fellow ‘professional’ is a massive insult to THEIR integrity and fair play.

F*ck him. The former Scotland captain has a notorious track record in the dark arts of sinister on-pitch brutality, and time and time again he gets away with it because referees are scared of him.

But what happens the first time a player makes even the slightest contact with him?

That’s right, he rolls around on the floor like a big baby. He’s an embarrassment.

And yet his army of swivel-eyed brainwashed supporters try to claim he has become a target for brutal assaults on the pitch. They even have the cheek to say that referees should take stronger action against those who ‘attack’ him.

Attack him? Don’t make me laugh.

Some folk are screaming green and white murder about a supposed foul against him yesterday, which saw the Ross County captain – an absolute paragon of virtue, and on-pitch gracefulness – sent off.

I’ve never seen the like. No way was that a sending off.

OK, there may have been a boot in Brown’s groin, the Ross County subs may have come at him with flame-throwers, the RAF may have dropped bombs on him, and County fans dressed as the Grim Reaper may have come on to the pitch and started digging a grave for him…

BUT COME ON… If anyone seriously thinks that any of those things pose a threat to Scott Brown and merit disciplinary action, they need to have a word with themselves.

And that word should be “dirty cheating Scott Brown should just get on with the game and stop pretending he’s been fouled.”

No doubt Scott Brown will complain that that’s more than one word.

He can piss off. He’s always wrong.

Special reader offer: Collect 5 tokens from this week’s paper and receive your FREE DVD entitled “Graeme Souness: 101 Misunderstood Tackles”.



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun.