Clumpany Matters

What’s The Problem With Roman Catholicism?


Good Afternoon.

Let’s stray away from football for a few minutes and consider the above question.

I’m sure there is a lot wrong with the Catholic Church. You can hardly ignore the scandals that have beset it especially in relation to the abuse of children.

You can say much the same about all kinds of other institutions in all walks of life, not just religious ones

There is an onus on everyone involved in them (or with power externally to make a difference) to drive improvements and hold to account those who do wrong.

But things are never black and white. For all the bad things that are done – and which must be addressed – there are always countless good things to celebrate too.

We are fortunate to live in pretty open western democratic societies. You don’t have to be a Roman Catholic, and you don’t have to like the Roman Catholic Church, or the things it stands for and the way it works. Just as you don’t have to adopt other faiths or support the things they do.

I am stating the blindingly obvious here. But it is important to do so.

Given all of these considerations it seems to me that the biggest problem with Roman Catholicism in Scotland right now, this week is a truly bizarre and corrosive hatred for it in some quarters. A hatred which is coupled with a paranoid fear that the Roman Church is somehow going to wreck society, and force people to undergo some sort of mind-altering treatment. 

“Should Catholic schools be abolished?” asked one newspaper’s Twitter output this week following criticisms of plans to celebrate the centenary of state-funded education in Glasgow. The paper asked the question over and over again. With predictable responses from the hard of thinking.

And then we read reports of a priest being spat upon and his parishioners being subject to verbal abuse outside their church after a service yesterday. With some online ‘commentators’ subsequently suggesting that Catholicism and the Catholic Church are intrinsically evil, as if that actually justified the assault.

Seriously, what is wrong with these folk? It is the year 2018. Catholics are not going to sneak into their houses, scoop out their brains (if they have any) and replace them with microchips that will turn them into Catholic robots with a hive mind. Nor are people’s breakfasts going to be ruined by finding that their Rice Krispies have been replaced by rosary beads.

Their way of life isn’t being assaulted, and the Church and Catholic schools are NOT turning out agents who want to burn them on a stake faster than you can say ‘Counter Reformation’. 

Perhaps some folk have very good personal reasons for disliking the Catholic Church, and they may know people who happen to be Catholics that they don’t like with entirely justifiable cause. That’s fair enough provided that they behave in a proportionate manner in response.

However, sitting here in July 2018 you can’t help but get the impression that there are a significant number of people who loathe Catholics and Catholicism in Scotland simply because of who and what they are. Any scope for individual personality or freedom of conscience and expression is thrown out of the window, and any good works done in the name of faith are simply ignored. 

Because the simmering hatred of Catholicism trumps all of that, to the degree that some are quite happy to make their intolerance public and even channel it into violence. 

What an absolute disgrace.

What an image to present to the world.

Who in their right mind in a position of authority, or with the ability to speak out via the mass media, would refuse to condemn and tackle this?

It’s time for some serious growing up to be done.

Right, back to football matters


NB In advance of the expected ‘whataboutery’, please allow me to condemn all forms of intolerance and prejudice. Not just the one I have focused on above. Oh, and my ethereal religion is absolutely nothing to do with you!


Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

Genuine Savile Row Clothes

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to make it known that the jacket I am wearing is from Savile Row. It is a unique, high quality jacket, designed and made by one of the finest tailors in the world.

My jacket is extraordinarily classy. In fact it is so magnificent that the Savile Row emporium views it as the absolute pinnacle of their achievements and wants the whole world to see it. As such, they are paying me millions of pounds a year to wear it in the hope that their will be a tsunami of orders for replica jackets from amongst the Clumping millions.


I would also like to take this opportunity to quash the rumours that a well-known pound shop has been selling shite clipart and picture editing software which makes it easy for a down-at-heel ethereal entity to brand itself and present a pretty desperate image to the world.

My jacket is the only show in Fitba’s Sartorial Town, and anyone who suggests that it is actually widely-available generic attire that can be picked up quite cheaply is clearly a hater.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to my tailor. I am going for 55 jackets.


Meanwhile in other news… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, Clumpany Matters

Taking The Alternative View

Good Evening.

I have no personal interest in the compensation-related issue which has excited many a Celtic fan today. I don’t have any inside knowledge, and I am not writing this blog to order.

I am simply calling it as I see it, and if you think my view is a steaming pile of horseshit, I’m relaxed about it.

So here is something to ponder…

If folk read about a Sevco fan refusing to challenge the ‘club’ over an alleged health and safety issue out of ‘Loyalty’, they would roundly mock the apparent kowtowing to their ‘betters’ in the directors’ box.

They would laugh out loud at the very idea that someone might not seek redress for alleged injury and any subsequent impact on their lives. They would also scoff at the notion of not asking questions about match day safety because it might raise awkward issues for the ‘club’.

And in laughing at the Sevco fan they would probably feel very fortunate indeed to be part of a fan base that doesn’t show blind deference to people just because they wear a club tie.

We are blessed to have a country where resolution and redress can be sought through due process. What sort of place would it be to live in if people were shouted down – and worse – just because of who they wished to challenge?

I’ll tell you. It would be a really shite place to live.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the alleged ‘fan v Celtic’ issue which is getting so many people excited. Nor do I want to know. It is the business of the people involved. They owe people outside the scope of the dispute absolutely no information whatsoever, even if aspects of it play out in public via the courts. They are private citizens and they can deal with the issue as they see fit.

If you feel angry about their actions, that’s fine. But don’t abuse them for looking out for themselves when they feel that they have a problem to resolve. There isn’t a single person on this planet who won’t have prioritised their health and well-being above all other considerations at some point in their lives.

Instead of wishing them ill and hoping for the failure of the ventures which give them a livelihood, why not just simply decide not to buy anything from them in future? And why not unfollow them on social media?

I prefer to live and let live in these sort of matters rather than suddenly transform into the sort of Sevco fan that bewilders, appalls and amuses us on a regular basis.

But you must make your own choice


Celtic, Clumpany Matters

The ‘Celtic News Now’ Blog

Good Evening.

Yes I *know* this blog isn’t the place you come to for actual Celtic news (although some still seem shocked at discovering this fact!).

The above title refers to the excellent Celtic News Now app, which:

a) collates all manner of outstanding non-MSM articles and blogs in one place;

b) thereby gives many talented ‘non-professional’ writers a large Celtic-minded audience; and

c) takes pity on the tsunami of effluent pouring out of Clumpany Towers on a daily basis.

They also deliver Celtic team news and score notifications which include terms such as ‘get in’, as well as lots of exclamation marks. Let’s face it, you don’t get that from BBC Sport. Or the X-Factor app.

The Celtic News Now folk do a cracking, gap-in-the-market-filling job in their own time and I am very happy to draw your attention to the new version of the app which they have just released.

You can find it for Android here.

And for iOS here.

I understand that all Five-Star reviews you are able to give the app are very helpful in moving it up the relevant charts and in ensuing it’s visibility to the wisest possible audience.

So, in short, we have good folk, doing great Celtic (and Sevco!)-related work, who would love you to download their app and rate it highly.

I am grateful for their support over the last few years. I have downloaded the app and will be giving them the full five stars!

I hope you can do likewise!


Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

An Exciting Commercial Partnership

Good Evening.

Here is a statement from Clumpany Towers:


The Clumpany Announces A New Gaping Partnership

The Clumpany is absolutely delighted to announce a very special gaping partnership for the coming season.

The Clumpany said: “I am thrilled to welcome my new gaping partners to my portfolio. I don’t actually have a portfolio, but it is a great word to use, and so I am sticking with it”.

Gaping Bampots will become the official ‘gaping partner’ of The Clumpany, with plans to gape in wonder and laugh out loud at Sevco next season. An official Clumpany range of piss-takes will also be launched.

Gaping Bampots’ spokesman @FrPaulStone commented, “We’re delighted to announce our partnership with The Clumpany. This will facilitate more gaping with utter derision at Sevco. What’s more, it will help Bampots stay on the rewarding path to passing out from the realisation that many Sevco fans really do believe the shit that they are spoon fed via the media.

“And by the way, that money really was just resting in my account.”

With over 100 guffaw-worthy occurrences per week, many of which are not fully covered by the mainstream media, The Clumpany’s Gaping Partnership is committed to helping every Bampot to free themselves from the constraints of traditional newspapers and broadcast media.

@FrPaulStone continued: “Our aim is to help Bampots when making the switch from thinking ‘Sevco is a ridiculous and baselessly-arrogant enterprise’ to actually rolling around on the floor asking their personal deity to relieve them from the agonies of split sides.

“We provide advice to every Bampot who rocks up scarcely able to believe the absolute state of Sevco. Our network helps them to find the right outlets for their pants-pissing mirth. Whether that be Tweeting, blogging or calling up Clyde SSB.

“We know it can be a daunting journey becoming a fully-committed Bampot. However, as the Sevco-mocking specialists, we know that we can help.

“We pride ourselves on absolutely ripping the piss. With a huge variety of jibes to choose from, we can provide hilarity to suit each individual customer. The right quip is always at hand.

“Clumpany Gaping will will be fully accredited as ‘obsessed’ and will support Bampots old and new on their way to provoking a (lame-arsed) reaction from an online Sevco supporters.

“Rest assured, we have a wealth of liquidation -confirming information available at all times to help any Bampot looking to join this never-ending fun. Pop by Clumpany Towers to find out more.”


Meanwhile, in other news… 😉

Rangers and Vaporized Partnership


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Clumpany Matters, Satire, Scottish Football

Welcome To The Clumpany Bookshop!

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is proud to announce that it is opening a brand new bookshop. It will be the best bookshop in the world!

In it you will find all manner of exciting publications: all the classic works of fiction, modern novels, and a vast array of factual books. You name it, and I will probably have it.

This bookshop is going to crush all the opposition. Amazon will be Ama-GONE by the time I have finished with them!

And the really clever thing is that I have acquired all these world-beating assets for next-to-nothing! In fact, I don’t think it would be unfair to say that I have pulled off the mother of all business deals.

“But from where did you source all your high-quality stock, Comrade Clumpany?” I hear you ask? “What manner of beleaguered wholesaler did you haggle down to minimal prices?“.

Well, the truth of the matter is that I adopted an innovative approach to inexpensive stock-acquisition. No conventional suppliers or wholesalers were involved. Not did I steal the books.

I could have spent, say £1m – or even £2m – on books for my shop. But why would I do that when I could simply pop down to Brighton, visit all the public libraries, and loan a lot of books to put on the shelves of my world-bearing emporium instead?

What’s that you say? “If I want to have books on a permanent basis and be able to sell them on, I will actually have to part with some serious cash at some point?”

Pah! I know exactly what I am doing with my brilliant bit of business. You must be #obsessed. Why don’t you concentrate on your own bookshop instead?


Media, Satire

Keeping Secrets

Tommy Cooper
“The club and holding company were separated. Just like that!”

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that in a completely implausible move some of the Scottish sports media’s finest are diversifying into other fields.

Espionage to be precise.

And no, I don’t mean they are going to spy on what people say on Twitter and then regurgitate it as ‘news’ in a mainstream publication. That would – after all – not be diversification on their part… 😉

They are, in fact, going to take charge of the training of Britain’s secret services. Yes that’s right, the nation’s spy network is going to be educated by intrepid investigators from some of Scotland’s premier media outlets! People for whom every stone has the potential to remain unturned, especially if Jim Traynor is guarding it at the time…

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, that remains to be seen. However, one thing we can be sure of is that the main reason they got the gig was because they were the cheapest option, a fact demonstrated by their presentation of decades worth of cheap-shot articles using an antiquated overhead projector.

The other reason they got the prestigious contract was their promise to employ innovative methods. Apparently one of the journos won over the panel by showing them a “Rangers died” front page from 2012, and then explaining something about holding companies and the Advertising Standards Authority while wearing a Tommy Cooper-style fez on his head.

It is these innovative methods which I wanted to draw to your attention. It seems that the Cheapo Spook Training Company (or is it ‘Club’?), is going to completely change the approach of Britain’s spies. Apparently Cheapo and Co think that anonymity is a bit cowardly and have severe doubts about the merit of things done and said by folk who hide behind false images or identities.

So from now all, all British spies will have to give their real names and other personal details to every person they meet. To prevent any chance of cowardice breaking out they will also have to wear a sandwich board displaying the words “I won’t lie to you, I AM a spy”.

And to avoid anyone having any doubts about the spy’s identify they will have to be accompanied at all times by another person wearing a sandwich board which says “No, it’s not a double-bluff. He really is a spy, and so am I. Are you?”.

As I said earlier, what could possibly go wrong?

A very Happy New Year to you all!

Best wishes,


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…


Clumpany Matters, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Independent Review Of The Clumpany


To whom it may concern.

As you are aware, The Clumpany has received correspondence from a representative body and someone else (who I won’t mention *cough cough*) asking for my input into a review of Clumpany governance and other activities.

The suggestion made by this correspondence is that

  • The Clumpany is shit,
  • its Clumping has been substandard for some time; and that
  • following various developments in the wider world of football satire and commentary, it is time to take a long hard look at all things to do with The Clumposphere.

The proposed review would be undertaken with a view to improving the quality of Clumping in the Scottish footballing ether.

The Clumpany has carefully considered this request, and has had an extremely vigorous debate with itself, considering all aspects of its responsibilities such as pouring Buckie, adding bleach, and drinking it.

The conclusion of these serious deliberations is that The Clumpany will not participate in any review of The Clumpany. Such an exercise would simply rake over the coals of an imaginary coal-and-rake scenario, and if that isn’t an argument for inaction The Clumpany doesn’t know what is.

The Clumpany would also like to point out that the quality of its Clumping has been absolutely Clumptastic according to my stringent systems of self-regulation and self-regard.

In fact it has been Clump, Clump, Clumpity-Clump Clumptastic!

However, The Clumpany has not been complacent about the criticism to which it has been subjected. The Clumpany sets the highest standards for itself, although there is no need for it to articulate those standards. And if they can somehow be portrayed as reflecting the standards expected by others, that’s lovely.

The Clumpany has recently made numerous changes to its processes and quality management and The Clumpany is happy to assert that they address all the issues which have been raised about it.

Frankly, that’s all you really need to know.

However, in the interests of the sort of transparency for which The Clumpany is rightly legendary, The Clumpany will set out the improvements it has made:

  1. The Clumpany has graciously noted the existence of its critics.
  2. The Clumpany has written this statement responding to the concerns which have been raised.
  3. The Clumpany has used words such as ‘transparency’ and ‘quality’.
  4. The Clumpany is assuring you that The Clumpany knows best and will therefore correctly not be a party to any exercise which might suggest otherwise.
  5. The Clumpany expects you to accept points 1-4.

The Clumpany trusts that this will be the end of the matter. However, The Clumpany is happy to restate its position to anyone who won’t rip it to shreds as being a pile of crap which only compounds blindingly obviously problems.


Clumpany Matters, Satire

Sale Of The Century

“It’s the Pish of the Week”

Good Evening.

My pal Alan called me earlier today. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. He was in absolute hysterics  about a conversation he had witnessed in the pub.

A group of friends were talking to a smartly-dressed man. The fellow – who apparently has a string of criminal convictions – told them about “a really good deal he’d got for some old sports gear – football tops and the like.” He said that although the goods weren’t this season’s latest trend, “they were still worth having, and the lads would be doing a good cause a really big favour if they bought them.”

Apparently a bystander at the bar asked the man just how fantastic the deal actually was, and to what extent the ‘good cause’ was going to benefit. He was immediately shouted down by the group of friends. 

He then tried to ask if this sports gear was the stuff he’d heard had been gathering dust in the warehouse of an entrepreneur, who was determined to make money on it, come what may.

The bystander was then called all sorts of names, and so he went back to his pint.

The smart-suited gentleman reassured the fans that this was the greatest deal of all time, but he couldn’t go into the details of it, and he was depending on them to do their duty in supporting a good cause.

Alan – struggling to speak as he guffawed – continued “It was unbelievable. The friends gave him a standing ovation! Some of them were even crying! The local paper was there taking photos for f*ck’s sake! And then they all rushed down the street to buy this stuff without even finishing their drinks, followed by the journalist who was shouting ‘make sure there’s a top left for me’ at them.

“I’ve never seen the like! Grown adults with a hive-like mentality going to buy stuff on the say-so of a convicted criminal without the details of quite how much of a good deal they are getting, or about how much the ‘good cause’ will actually make. They just took his word for it and off they went! 

“I bet the entrepreneur with his warehouse full of dust-covered sports goods can’t believe his luck! He must be thinking ‘kerching, kerching, ker-f*cking-ching’ as he watches the cash roll in!

“You couldn’t make it up! If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it possible. What an absolute joke!”

I know how Alan feels…


Clumpany Matters, Satire, Scottish Football

Charles Green’s Lost Property

Charles Green

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany was out and about this morning when it happened to stumble across something unusual.

We are all used to seeing litter in the street, and occasionally we might find some coins (or a “transfer budget” as it’s known at Ibrox). We might even have the misfortune to tread in something unpleasant (there is nothing worse than a damp discarded copy of the Evening Shark-Jump in the gutter, except perhaps a fresh new copy of the Evening Shark-Jump on a newsstand). However, I managed to come across something which I REALLY didn’t expect to see.

It was a Scottish Premier Division title!

There I was minding my own business on the street when suddenly a gust of wind caused it to arrive at my ethereal feet.

Fancy that!

Naturally, I glanced around to see if anyone had dropped it, but there was no one nearby. So I picked it up and had a good look. I quickly realised that this was no ordinary title. It was the 1996-7 ‘Nine-in-a-row’ title acquired by Rangers under the guidance of the legnedary Cardigan, which was the subject of a truly embarrassing drool-a-thon in Glasgow’s ‘premier’ evening paper last week.

I wondered what on earth it was doing drifting around the streets. And following a quick glance at Twitter – where the excellent @mintys_lamb had been doing what he does best – I quickly realised the truth.

Having bought Rangers’ history and titles following the creditors’ rejection of the CVA in 2012, Charles Green must have dropped the 1996-7 title as he rushed back to Ibrox!

What a blunder! Still, it’s easily done when you are carrying such a lot of baggage with you. I guess it was fortunate that he also wasn’t carrying Rangers’ debts with him otherwise there could have been a major, traffic-stopping spillage.

Anyway, having come into possession of the 1996-7 title, The Clumpany is wondering what to with it. If Mr Green’s creation Sevco believe it to be theirs, then they are welcome to pop round to Clumpany Towers. I’ll hand it over in return for seeing definitive proof of ownership.

Otherwise, I plan to celebrate my title with an open-top bus parade next week. I hope I can count on you lining the streets to cheer me on and commiserate with the late Rangers Football Club on only winning Eight-in-a-row.