Clumpany Matters

What’s The Problem With Roman Catholicism?


Good Afternoon.

Let’s stray away from football for a few minutes and consider the above question.

I’m sure there is a lot wrong with the Catholic Church. You can hardly ignore the scandals that have beset it especially in relation to the abuse of children.

You can say much the same about all kinds of other institutions in all walks of life, not just religious ones

There is an onus on everyone involved in them (or with power externally to make a difference) to drive improvements and hold to account those who do wrong.

But things are never black and white. For all the bad things that are done – and which must be addressed – there are always countless good things to celebrate too.

We are fortunate to live in pretty open western democratic societies. You don’t have to be a Roman Catholic, and you don’t have to like the Roman Catholic Church, or the things it stands for and the way it works. Just as you don’t have to adopt other faiths or support the things they do.

I am stating the blindingly obvious here. But it is important to do so.

Given all of these considerations it seems to me that the biggest problem with Roman Catholicism in Scotland right now, this week is a truly bizarre and corrosive hatred for it in some quarters. A hatred which is coupled with a paranoid fear that the Roman Church is somehow going to wreck society, and force people to undergo some sort of mind-altering treatment. 

“Should Catholic schools be abolished?” asked one newspaper’s Twitter output this week following criticisms of plans to celebrate the centenary of state-funded education in Glasgow. The paper asked the question over and over again. With predictable responses from the hard of thinking.

And then we read reports of a priest being spat upon and his parishioners being subject to verbal abuse outside their church after a service yesterday. With some online ‘commentators’ subsequently suggesting that Catholicism and the Catholic Church are intrinsically evil, as if that actually justified the assault.

Seriously, what is wrong with these folk? It is the year 2018. Catholics are not going to sneak into their houses, scoop out their brains (if they have any) and replace them with microchips that will turn them into Catholic robots with a hive mind. Nor are people’s breakfasts going to be ruined by finding that their Rice Krispies have been replaced by rosary beads.

Their way of life isn’t being assaulted, and the Church and Catholic schools are NOT turning out agents who want to burn them on a stake faster than you can say ‘Counter Reformation’. 

Perhaps some folk have very good personal reasons for disliking the Catholic Church, and they may know people who happen to be Catholics that they don’t like with entirely justifiable cause. That’s fair enough provided that they behave in a proportionate manner in response.

However, sitting here in July 2018 you can’t help but get the impression that there are a significant number of people who loathe Catholics and Catholicism in Scotland simply because of who and what they are. Any scope for individual personality or freedom of conscience and expression is thrown out of the window, and any good works done in the name of faith are simply ignored. 

Because the simmering hatred of Catholicism trumps all of that, to the degree that some are quite happy to make their intolerance public and even channel it into violence. 

What an absolute disgrace.

What an image to present to the world.

Who in their right mind in a position of authority, or with the ability to speak out via the mass media, would refuse to condemn and tackle this?

It’s time for some serious growing up to be done.

Right, back to football matters


NB In advance of the expected ‘whataboutery’, please allow me to condemn all forms of intolerance and prejudice. Not just the one I have focused on above. Oh, and my ethereal religion is absolutely nothing to do with you!


Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

Genuine Savile Row Clothes

Good Evening.

The Clumpany would like to make it known that the jacket I am wearing is from Savile Row. It is a unique, high quality jacket, designed and made by one of the finest tailors in the world.

My jacket is extraordinarily classy. In fact it is so magnificent that the Savile Row emporium views it as the absolute pinnacle of their achievements and wants the whole world to see it. As such, they are paying me millions of pounds a year to wear it in the hope that their will be a tsunami of orders for replica jackets from amongst the Clumping millions.


I would also like to take this opportunity to quash the rumours that a well-known pound shop has been selling shite clipart and picture editing software which makes it easy for a down-at-heel ethereal entity to brand itself and present a pretty desperate image to the world.

My jacket is the only show in Fitba’s Sartorial Town, and anyone who suggests that it is actually widely-available generic attire that can be picked up quite cheaply is clearly a hater.

Now, if you will excuse me, I am off to my tailor. I am going for 55 jackets.


Meanwhile in other news… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Celtic, Clumpany Matters

Taking The Alternative View

Good Evening.

I have no personal interest in the compensation-related issue which has excited many a Celtic fan today. I don’t have any inside knowledge, and I am not writing this blog to order.

I am simply calling it as I see it, and if you think my view is a steaming pile of horseshit, I’m relaxed about it.

So here is something to ponder…

If folk read about a Sevco fan refusing to challenge the ‘club’ over an alleged health and safety issue out of ‘Loyalty’, they would roundly mock the apparent kowtowing to their ‘betters’ in the directors’ box.

They would laugh out loud at the very idea that someone might not seek redress for alleged injury and any subsequent impact on their lives. They would also scoff at the notion of not asking questions about match day safety because it might raise awkward issues for the ‘club’.

And in laughing at the Sevco fan they would probably feel very fortunate indeed to be part of a fan base that doesn’t show blind deference to people just because they wear a club tie.

We are blessed to have a country where resolution and redress can be sought through due process. What sort of place would it be to live in if people were shouted down – and worse – just because of who they wished to challenge?

I’ll tell you. It would be a really shite place to live.

I don’t know the ins and outs of the alleged ‘fan v Celtic’ issue which is getting so many people excited. Nor do I want to know. It is the business of the people involved. They owe people outside the scope of the dispute absolutely no information whatsoever, even if aspects of it play out in public via the courts. They are private citizens and they can deal with the issue as they see fit.

If you feel angry about their actions, that’s fine. But don’t abuse them for looking out for themselves when they feel that they have a problem to resolve. There isn’t a single person on this planet who won’t have prioritised their health and well-being above all other considerations at some point in their lives.

Instead of wishing them ill and hoping for the failure of the ventures which give them a livelihood, why not just simply decide not to buy anything from them in future? And why not unfollow them on social media?

I prefer to live and let live in these sort of matters rather than suddenly transform into the sort of Sevco fan that bewilders, appalls and amuses us on a regular basis.

But you must make your own choice


Celtic, Clumpany Matters

The ‘Celtic News Now’ Blog

Good Evening.

Yes I *know* this blog isn’t the place you come to for actual Celtic news (although some still seem shocked at discovering this fact!).

The above title refers to the excellent Celtic News Now app, which:

a) collates all manner of outstanding non-MSM articles and blogs in one place;

b) thereby gives many talented ‘non-professional’ writers a large Celtic-minded audience; and

c) takes pity on the tsunami of effluent pouring out of Clumpany Towers on a daily basis.

They also deliver Celtic team news and score notifications which include terms such as ‘get in’, as well as lots of exclamation marks. Let’s face it, you don’t get that from BBC Sport. Or the X-Factor app.

The Celtic News Now folk do a cracking, gap-in-the-market-filling job in their own time and I am very happy to draw your attention to the new version of the app which they have just released.

You can find it for Android here.

And for iOS here.

I understand that all Five-Star reviews you are able to give the app are very helpful in moving it up the relevant charts and in ensuing it’s visibility to the wisest possible audience.

So, in short, we have good folk, doing great Celtic (and Sevco!)-related work, who would love you to download their app and rate it highly.

I am grateful for their support over the last few years. I have downloaded the app and will be giving them the full five stars!

I hope you can do likewise!


Clumpany Matters, Satire, Sevco

An Exciting Commercial Partnership

Good Evening.

Here is a statement from Clumpany Towers:


The Clumpany Announces A New Gaping Partnership

The Clumpany is absolutely delighted to announce a very special gaping partnership for the coming season.

The Clumpany said: “I am thrilled to welcome my new gaping partners to my portfolio. I don’t actually have a portfolio, but it is a great word to use, and so I am sticking with it”.

Gaping Bampots will become the official ‘gaping partner’ of The Clumpany, with plans to gape in wonder and laugh out loud at Sevco next season. An official Clumpany range of piss-takes will also be launched.

Gaping Bampots’ spokesman @FrPaulStone commented, “We’re delighted to announce our partnership with The Clumpany. This will facilitate more gaping with utter derision at Sevco. What’s more, it will help Bampots stay on the rewarding path to passing out from the realisation that many Sevco fans really do believe the shit that they are spoon fed via the media.

“And by the way, that money really was just resting in my account.”

With over 100 guffaw-worthy occurrences per week, many of which are not fully covered by the mainstream media, The Clumpany’s Gaping Partnership is committed to helping every Bampot to free themselves from the constraints of traditional newspapers and broadcast media.

@FrPaulStone continued: “Our aim is to help Bampots when making the switch from thinking ‘Sevco is a ridiculous and baselessly-arrogant enterprise’ to actually rolling around on the floor asking their personal deity to relieve them from the agonies of split sides.

“We provide advice to every Bampot who rocks up scarcely able to believe the absolute state of Sevco. Our network helps them to find the right outlets for their pants-pissing mirth. Whether that be Tweeting, blogging or calling up Clyde SSB.

“We know it can be a daunting journey becoming a fully-committed Bampot. However, as the Sevco-mocking specialists, we know that we can help.

“We pride ourselves on absolutely ripping the piss. With a huge variety of jibes to choose from, we can provide hilarity to suit each individual customer. The right quip is always at hand.

“Clumpany Gaping will will be fully accredited as ‘obsessed’ and will support Bampots old and new on their way to provoking a (lame-arsed) reaction from an online Sevco supporters.

“Rest assured, we have a wealth of liquidation -confirming information available at all times to help any Bampot looking to join this never-ending fun. Pop by Clumpany Towers to find out more.”


Meanwhile, in other news… 😉

Rangers and Vaporized Partnership


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Clumpany Matters, Satire, Scottish Football

Welcome To The Clumpany Bookshop!

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is proud to announce that it is opening a brand new bookshop. It will be the best bookshop in the world!

In it you will find all manner of exciting publications: all the classic works of fiction, modern novels, and a vast array of factual books. You name it, and I will probably have it.

This bookshop is going to crush all the opposition. Amazon will be Ama-GONE by the time I have finished with them!

And the really clever thing is that I have acquired all these world-beating assets for next-to-nothing! In fact, I don’t think it would be unfair to say that I have pulled off the mother of all business deals.

“But from where did you source all your high-quality stock, Comrade Clumpany?” I hear you ask? “What manner of beleaguered wholesaler did you haggle down to minimal prices?“.

Well, the truth of the matter is that I adopted an innovative approach to inexpensive stock-acquisition. No conventional suppliers or wholesalers were involved. Not did I steal the books.

I could have spent, say £1m – or even £2m – on books for my shop. But why would I do that when I could simply pop down to Brighton, visit all the public libraries, and loan a lot of books to put on the shelves of my world-bearing emporium instead?

What’s that you say? “If I want to have books on a permanent basis and be able to sell them on, I will actually have to part with some serious cash at some point?”

Pah! I know exactly what I am doing with my brilliant bit of business. You must be #obsessed. Why don’t you concentrate on your own bookshop instead?


Media, Satire

Keeping Secrets

Tommy Cooper
“The club and holding company were separated. Just like that!”

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that in a completely implausible move some of the Scottish sports media’s finest are diversifying into other fields.

Espionage to be precise.

And no, I don’t mean they are going to spy on what people say on Twitter and then regurgitate it as ‘news’ in a mainstream publication. That would – after all – not be diversification on their part… 😉

They are, in fact, going to take charge of the training of Britain’s secret services. Yes that’s right, the nation’s spy network is going to be educated by intrepid investigators from some of Scotland’s premier media outlets! People for whom every stone has the potential to remain unturned, especially if Jim Traynor is guarding it at the time…

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, that remains to be seen. However, one thing we can be sure of is that the main reason they got the gig was because they were the cheapest option, a fact demonstrated by their presentation of decades worth of cheap-shot articles using an antiquated overhead projector.

The other reason they got the prestigious contract was their promise to employ innovative methods. Apparently one of the journos won over the panel by showing them a “Rangers died” front page from 2012, and then explaining something about holding companies and the Advertising Standards Authority while wearing a Tommy Cooper-style fez on his head.

It is these innovative methods which I wanted to draw to your attention. It seems that the Cheapo Spook Training Company (or is it ‘Club’?), is going to completely change the approach of Britain’s spies. Apparently Cheapo and Co think that anonymity is a bit cowardly and have severe doubts about the merit of things done and said by folk who hide behind false images or identities.

So from now all, all British spies will have to give their real names and other personal details to every person they meet. To prevent any chance of cowardice breaking out they will also have to wear a sandwich board displaying the words “I won’t lie to you, I AM a spy”.

And to avoid anyone having any doubts about the spy’s identify they will have to be accompanied at all times by another person wearing a sandwich board which says “No, it’s not a double-bluff. He really is a spy, and so am I. Are you?”.

As I said earlier, what could possibly go wrong?

A very Happy New Year to you all!

Best wishes,


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…