Media, Satire, Scottish Football, World Cup Of Liquidation Lies

A Birthday Celebration

Good Evening.

The Clumpany doesn’t usually like to get ahead of itself, but while I have a moment I really do think I should offer some special wishes for tomorrow.

30th December marks a very special day in the history of forensic evidence-based Scottish sports journalism and is a red-letter day in Clumpany Towers. Indeed I have balloons, fireworks, and a Red Arrows fly-past all arranged to mark the occasion.

For it is the first anniversary of The Clumpany’s all-time favourite Tweet by a member of the MSM.

A Tweet so good that it even beats this one in my humble ethereal opinion.

So what is it?

Well, I see no point in further delay…

The above masterpiece arose out of an exchange which included another belter…

Magnificent eh? I could almost be tempted to subscribe to a web-based outlet, such is my heartfelt appreciation of those Tweets.

To be fair, an explanation of the rationale behind the ASA-citing extravaganza was eventually forthcoming.

How can you argue against that?

Except perhaps via the medium of Thunderbirds…?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of laughing at output that glosses over something we ALL saw happening…

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco, World Cup Of Liquidation Lies

The World Champion ‘Liquidation Lie’!

A very special guest attended the Final to hand over the trophy

Good Evening.

And what an evening it has been!

After 6 days of gruelling competition in the World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’ and more than 18,000 votes, we have a winner!

Over 1,200 votes were cast in the Final and your World Champion is…

‘The Holding Company Was Liquidated’.

And it won at a canter!

‘No Sporting Advantage’ (38%)  v (62%) The Holding Company Was Liquidated

I hope you will agree that it is a worthy winner. It is – after all – the Ground Zero of ‘Liquidation Lies’. Right up until the point Rangers FC was liquidated there was no distinction whatsoever made between ‘club’ and ‘company’. Rangers FC was incorporated in 1899. It became a company, and that was the end of the matter. 

But once HMRC torpedoed the CVA in 2012, a great campaign of self-delusion and hostility ensued amongst a section of Rangers’ fan base. For them, stating the truth about incorporation suddenly became verboten. And much of the Scottish MSM was happy to acquiesce and avoid speaking ‘out of turn’, while the authorities simply looked the other way.

The creation of the myth of the separate ‘holding company’ was just the beginning of something larger and quite sinister. It underpinned a general suppression of the truth about Rangers’ demise. A suppression which resulted in people being intimidated and threatened if they didn’t think and speak as they were now expected to.

I use the term ‘underpinned’ advisedly. Because once it became ‘established’ that there was a ‘separate’ holding company, it became possible to make up fantasies about continued history etc, and neatly push all of Rangers’ wrongdoing and debts in its direction. 

It was the holding company which ran up the debts. 

It was the holding company which set up the EBTs and wrote the side letters which absolutely could not confer any advantage on the sporting activities of the ‘club’! 

Hell, the holding company was also probably responsible for Rangers’ long-standing sectarian signing policy, and it probably also belted out The Famine Song from the stands. 

Naughty holding company!

According to the club/company myth, the ‘club’ could only do two things:

  1. win trophies; and 
  2. act as a rallying point for a minority possessed of a jaw-droppingly misplaced superiority complex.

Of course, once it was concluded that the ‘club’ was entirely separate from the wicked holding company, it became all too easy for some of its followers to develop a victim mentality. A festering resentment at the wrong done TO the ethereal ‘club’ of the long-suffering (sic) fans.

The fact that all of this is as utterly bonkers as it is dangerous is not supposed to matter to the rest of usAs I wrote yesterday, other fans of Scottish football are simply expected to swallow the lies and consequences without question. WE are the ones who are expected to ‘move on’, and who are mocked when we don’t.

Isn’t it fantastic?

While cheering our World Champion ‘Lie’, let us also salute our runner-up.

 ‘No Sporting Advantage’ is a truly wonderful phrase. It allows some to convince themselves that spending huge amounts of money outwith the rulebook to secure better players had absolutely nothing to do with trying to beat your rivals, and that any success gained on the pitch was simply a happy accident.

It’s complete bullsh*t isn’t it?

If EBTs (which at the time of writing have been deemed taxable by the courts) and undisclosed side letters weren’t an attempt to secure an underhand advantage then what on earth were they?! An elaborate practical joke staged purely for a giggle? Should we have been looking out for the late Jeremy Beadle to appear and break the ‘hilarious’ news while dressed up as a policeman?!

Dear me!

The result of the Third Place Playoff, after 900 votes was as follows:

‘Rangers Were Demoted (46%) v (54%) Charles Green Bought The ‘History’

This is a great result for one of the most remarkable utterances I have ever heard. The notion of ‘buying history’ is simply incredible. Although not as astonishing as pulling off that miracle and then failing to get a fully itemised receipt for it as unarguable’proof’ of purchase. 😉

‘Rangers Were Demoted’ has to settle for fourth place. However, it will always have a special place in the hearts of folk who distinctly remember Rangers exiting the league through death, and Sevco applying to join the SPL and then SFL ahead of other clubs whose history was more than a few weeks in length.

The World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’ was a fun idea with a very serious point. Thank you for all your votes and comments! By exposing 32 of The Clumpany’s favourite ‘lies’ to protracted scrutiny I hope I have prompted debate about some troubling issues.

A very simple truth about the self-inflicted liquidation of an incorporated football club was simply too much for some fans, journalists and administrators to bear. The systematic concocting and perpetuation of a complex series of bare-faced lies to keep a football ‘club’ alive in some intangible way is a truly remarkable thing to see in a supposedly liberal country such as ours.

Remarkable, but also completely unhealthy.

It makes you ask “what sort of a country is this?” and “what other – more important things – are being distorted and covered up on a daily basis?”

And those are not small questions to be asking in a supposedly free and open society. Thankfully the truth will always out, and will ultimately set people (and ‘The People’ free).

Enjoy the ‘Liquidation Lies’ while they last. Because lies – like Rangers – aren’t eternal.

#KeepOnClumping

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Clumpany Matters, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco, World Cup Of Liquidation Lies

Mounting Tension

  
Good Evening.

Clumpany Towers is a hive of activity as The Clumpany prepares for the conclusion of the World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’ later tonight.

The Sevco Superbus has been hired to bring VIPs to hear the announcement, and it is providing sterling service.

 
As the event is ‘VIPs only’, Stewart Regan has not been invited. And he wasn’t best pleased when Neil Doncaster broke the news to him.

  

Regan quickly organised a protest outside Clumpany Towers, demanding that he be allowed to go to the party.

  
Sorry Stewart!

Meanwhile, Neil Doncaster himself has tried to sneak in by posing as a taxi driver, but I was having none of it.

  
Charles Green has been making cups of tea for guests as they wait to come in.

 And he has also been showing them the way to their luxury ethereal seats.

  
Dave King’s war chest was invited but has (strangely) failed to turn up, while Mark Warburton took issue with the invitation not being brought to him by a talking dodo. He said I was being disrespectful and went off to reinvent the wheel, and become the first man to create fire, pursued by an awestruck pack of journalists.

There is a red carpet outside Clumpany Towers, but frankly the guests’ outfits haven’t been up to much. Sevco FC arrived dressed up as Rangers but the fashion critics blasted that ‘look’ saying it was SO four seasons ago”.

There has been a late change of hosts for tonight’s ceremony after the initial choice proved too controversial and expensive. As well as short on laughs.

  

I am now going to host the ceremony myself, but am hoping to be accompanied by Lord Nimmo Smith who could do his famous ‘Rangers Ceased To Be A Club’ routine which never fails to bring the (Big) House down.

  
The result of the World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’ should be known shortly after 11pm, by which time the Buckie and Bleach cocktails should have put everyone in a high state of excitement.

Mind you, it is difficult to imagine feeling any more excited than we already are, as we are expecting a very special guest tonight.

In fact, I can see him coming now…

  
 Yes, here he is…

 
I wonder if Craig has any words for his adoring fans?

Ooh, it looks like he’s about to tell us his famous ‘Valentine’s Day’ joke. That’s always a brilliant crowd-pleaser…

 I must dash. I have guests to attend to…
But remember, it’s not too late to cast your vote for the World Champion ‘Liquidation Lie’ by following this link. Voting closes at 11pm.

Remember, it’s all just a bit of fun, and…

#KeepOnClumping

UPDATE, 11pm 29 February 2016: We have a winner! Click here to find out which is the World Champion ‘Liquidation Lie’.

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Media, Scottish Football, Sevco, World Cup Of Liquidation Lies

THE FINAL: The World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’

 

CW: “Are you ready for the Final Act, Ally?” | AM: “Absolutely Craig!”
Good Evening.

So here we are. Thirty lumps of absolute horsesh*t have been shovelled away by folk with

  • the ability to think for themselves; and
  • a healthy disdain for blindingly obvious untruths.

The Final of the World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’ is upon us! And if you have any doubts about the merits of this contest, I suggest you read this piece, which points out the degree to which some would take you for absolute mugs.

It really is extraordinary that the truth can be so ostentatiously corrupted in the service of maintaining a fiction about a football ‘club’. One wonders whether there is the Mother Of All Baseless Superiority Complexes In A Small Country at stake. Or whether the folk running Scottish media outlets simply cannot think of a way of existing from day to day without pandering to an Ibrox-oriented fiction.

Whatever the case, here are the results of the Semi-Finals after almost another 2,000 votes in two eye-wateringly tight contests [winners in bold]:

‘No Sporting Advantage’ (51%) v (49%) Rangers Were Demoted

The Holding Company Was Liquidated (53%) v (47%) Charles Green Bought The ‘History’

I will freely admit that the departure of Charles Green’s credulity-defying claim to have bought ‘The History’ is a shock given its early results in this competition. However, it ultimately lost to a worthy opponent. ‘The Holding Company Was Liquidated’ is a truly astonishing ‘lie’, relying as it does on a retrospective engineering of Company Law reaching all the way back to 1899 purely to

  • give deluded and intimidation-minded fans a good night’s sleep; and
  • allow governing bodies and parts of the sports media to avoid thinking of Scottish football as an actual sport which requires celebration of all of its clubs.

And as for the other Semi-Final result… Well, the narrowly-victorious ‘No Sporting Advantage’ really is a spectacular bit of nonsense which (as I write) still leaves the fans of 41 senior clubs wondering whether they paid into a complete sham rather than a sport for a decade or so.

So, there we have it. Two worthy finalists!

‘No Sporting Advantage’ v The Holding Company Was Liquidated. VOTE

And a third place playoff consisting of:

Rangers Were Demoted v Charles Green Bought The ‘History’  VOTE

The ties have been tweeted, and the results will be announced late on Monday night.

This is it folks! Your chance to vote for the biggest p*ss-take in the history of Scottish football.

Many ‘liquidation lies’ have been uttered since 2012 , but only one can be crowned World Champion.

Please think carefully, vote and retweet.

Many thanks and…

#KeepOnClumping

UPDATE, 11pm 29 February 2016: We have a winner! Click here to find out which is the World Champion ‘Liquidation Lie’. And click here to get the inside story of the awards ceremony. NB A VERY special guest put in an appearance.

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Media, Scottish Football, Sevco, World Cup Of Liquidation Lies

Semi-Finals: The World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’

Sorry Mr Ogilvie, I’ve got some bad news…
 
Good Evening.

The World Cup of ‘Liquidation Lies’ is certainly  proving to be the most amazing sporting contest since someone (no one quite knows who…) turned up to play Brechin in the First Round of the Ramsdens Cup on 29 July 2012.

The Quarter-Final draw promised excitement and it didn’t fail to deliver! “Unbroken History” v ‘No Sporting Advantage’ proved to be the closest contest to date, and was on a knife-edge until the final moments.

After almost another 2,500 votes here are the results [with the winners in bold]:

Clubs Put Sevco In The 3rd Division Through ‘Bigotry’ (31%) v (69%) Rangers Were Demoted

Charles Green Bought The ‘History’ (58%) v (42%) Rangers ’Emerged’ From Administration

The Holding Company Was Liquidated (64%) v (36%) The ‘Club’ Is A Metaphysical Construct 

“Unbroken History” (49%) v (51%) ‘No Sporting Advantage’ 

‘Charles Green Bought The History’ was run much closer than in the previous round, but was ultimately untroubled. Many will be sorry to see the ‘Metaphysical Construct’ leave the competition, but it did well to make it this far, being the newest of the 32 ‘Liquidation Lies’ which lined up in the First Round. However, I am sure we will all be guffawing at it for many years to come.

Having scraped through a titanic contest, ‘No Sporting Advantage’ – a snappy little phrase which encapsulates so much bullsh*t – could now take some stopping.

It is good to see ‘The Holding Company Was Liquidated’ make it through to the last four, being a prime example of the awe-inspiring cognitive dissonance upon which Sevco’s entire ‘Rangers’ impersonation is based.

And let us spare a thought for “Clubs Put Sevco In The 3rd Division Through ‘Bigotry’”, an assertion which was so utterly ludicrous and wide-ranging in its reach that even the SFA Compliance Officer showed an interest in it, leading to Charles Green being… errr… ‘censured’.

Let’s get down to business. The Semi-Finalists are as follows:

  1. Rangers Were Demoted
  2. Charles Green Bought The ‘History’
  3. The Holding Company Was Liquidated 
  4. ‘No Sporting Advantage’

The draw has been made, and the fixtures are as follows:

‘No Sporting Advantage’ v Rangers Were Demoted  VOTE

The Holding Company Was Liquidated Charles Green Bought The ‘History’   VOTE

 Blimey! The second Semi-Final line-up would have been worthy of the Final, but at this stage of the competition there are no poor ‘Lies’. 

The ties will be played at a neutral ethereal venue, and have been tweeted. The results will be announced tomorrow night. Please vote and RT! There will be a Third-Place Playoff, purely so I can get to describe one of the entrants as Officially A Third-Rate Lie 😉, followed by the Final…

I can hardly contain my excitement! 

I hope you are managing to get some sleep during this mind-bogglingly amazing time!

#KeepOnClumping

UPDATE [10:45pm, 28 February 2016]: The Semi-Final results can be found here.

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Media, Scottish Football, Sevco, World Cup Of Liquidation Lies

Quarter-Finals: The World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’

  
 Good Evening.

The drama continues in the World’s most gripping contest!

The results of the Last 16 fixtures are in! The big news is that Martin Williams has taken a hammering and ‘The Engine Room Subsidiary’ is out!

Nae luck Martin!

Meanwhile ‘Charles Green Bought The History’ continues to crush all opposition, and its odds on overall victory are now shorter than those for Mark Warburton feeling disrespected by his own shadow tomorrow. 

After almost 5,000 votes, the Second Round results are as follows [with the winners in bold]:

“Unbroken History” (64%) v (36%) The ‘Club’ Was The Victim Of A Conspiracy

Scottish Football Needs A Strong ‘Rangers’ (35%) v (65%) The Holding Company Was Liquidated

Rangers ’Emerged’ From Administration (67%) v (33%) LNS Concluded It Is The ‘Same Club’

Neil Doncaster’s Assertion That It Is The ‘Same Club’ (31%) v (69%) ‘No Sporting Advantage’

The ‘Club’ Is A Metaphysical Construct (66%) v (34%) Enjoying ‘The Journey’

Clubs Put Sevco In The 3rd Division Through ‘Bigotry’ (62%) v (38%) The ‘Engine Room Subsidiary’

Charles Green Bought The ‘History’ (78%) v (22%) The Courts Confirmed It Is The ‘Same Club’

The ‘Club’ Is An Ethereal Entity (43%) v (57%) Rangers Were Demoted

The Quarter Finalists are therefore as follows:

  1. “Unbroken History”
  2. The Holding Company Was Liquidated
  3. Rangers ’Emerged’ From Administration
  4. ‘No Sporting Advantage’
  5. The ‘Club’ Is A Metaphysical Construct
  6. Clubs Put Sevco In The 3rd Division Through ‘Bigotry’
  7. Charles Green Bought The ‘History’
  8. Rangers Were Demoted

The draw has been made, and the fixtures are as follows:

Clubs Put Sevco In The 3rd Division Through ‘Bigotry’ v Rangers Were Demoted VOTE

Charles Green Bought The ‘History’ v Rangers ’Emerged’ From Administration VOTE

The Holding Company Was Liquidated v The ‘Club’ Is A Metaphysical Construct VOTE

“Unbroken History” v ‘No Sporting Advantage’ VOTE

The last of those ties looks to be the most interesting, laden as it is with epic quantities of bullsh*t. 😉

The ties have been tweeted. The Semi-Finals will be on Sunday, and the Final (if we can maintain the will to live!) on Monday.

Which piece of intelligence-insulting nonsense will be crowned the World’s Favourite Liquidation Lie? Only you can decide!

I am now away to fend off the staff of the Daily Backbone, who are outside conducting a vigil for the defeated ‘Engine Room Subsidiary’.

#KeepOnClumping

UPDATE: The Quarter-Final results and Semi-Final draw can be found here.

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Media, Scottish Football, Sevco, World Cup Of Liquidation Lies

Last 16: The World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’

FA Cup draw

Good Evening.

Yesterday saw the start of the most exciting competition to hit Scotland in several decades: The World Cup Of ‘Liquidation Lies’. You can read about the background to it here.

Following a bruising series of fixtures and over 7,000 votes, the First Round results are as follows [with the winners in bold]:

“Imperfectly-Registered Players” (40%)  V  (60%) The ‘Club’ Is A Metaphysical Construct

The ‘Club’ Is An Ethereal Entity (54%) V  (46%) “54 And Counting”

‘Armageddon’ (39%) V (61%) The Holding Company Was Liquidated

Neil Doncaster’s Assertion That It Is The ‘Same Club’ (59%) V (41%) ‘Slow Lingering Death’

Rangers Were Cheated Out Of 2011-12 Prize Money (28%) V (72%) Clubs Put Sevco In The 3rd Division Through ‘Bigotry’

“No Sporting Advantage” (69%) V (31%) HMRC is Pursuing A Vendetta Against Rangers

The ECA Recognises It As The ‘Same Club’ (25%) V (75%) LNS Concluded It Is The ‘Same Club’

Sevco Are Picking Up UEFA Coefficient Points (25%) V (75%) Scottish Football Needs A Strong ‘Rangers’

Rangers Were Demoted (78%) V (22%) The ASA Said It Is The ‘Same Club’

“Rangers Then, Rangers Now, Rangers Forever” (47%) V (53%) Enjoying ‘The Journey’

Charles Green Bought The ‘History’ (71%) V (29%)The ‘Kit-Kat’ Analogy

The ‘Club’ Was The Victim Of A Conspiracy (56%) V (44%) The ‘Club’ Was Sold Before Liquidation Started

“Rangers Are Coming” (45%) V (55%) The Courts Confirmed It Is The ‘Same Club’

Rangers ’Emerged’ From Administration (83%) V (17%) The ‘Old Firm’ Is Alive And Well

The ‘Club’ Is The SFA/SPFL Membership (41%) V (59%) The ‘Engine Room Subsidiary’

“Unbroken History” (69%) V (31%) FIFA Confirmed It Is The ‘Same Club’

I think many will be shocked to see ‘The Kit-Kat Analogy’ crushed like a flimsy chocolatey wafery thing in the First Round. But it had a very tough draw, and you would have to fancy “Charles Green Bought The ‘History'” to go a long way in the tournament. ‘The Kit-Kat Analogy’ asked the Court of Arbitration for Sport to look at all the paperwork filed by its opponent, citing irregularities and adopting the slogan “let hypothetical confectionery win”, but CAS dismissed the appeal.

The Last 16 competitors are as follows:

  1. The ‘Club’ Is A Metaphysical Construct
  2. The ‘Club’ Is An Ethereal Entity
  3. The Holding Company Was Liquidated
  4. Neil Doncaster’s Assertion That It Is The ‘Same Club’
  5. Clubs Put Sevco In The 3rd Division Through ‘Bigotry’
  6. “No Sporting Advantage”
  7.  LNS Concluded It Is The ‘Same Club’
  8. Scottish Football Needs A Strong ‘Rangers’
  9. Rangers Were Demoted
  10. Enjoying ‘The Journey’
  11. Charles Green Bought The ‘History’
  12. The ‘Club’ Was The Victim Of A Conspiracy
  13. The Courts Confirmed It Is The ‘Same Club’
  14. Rangers ’Emerged’ From Administration
  15. The ‘Engine Room Subsidiary’
  16. “Unbroken History”

The draw has been made, and the fixtures are as follows [NB click on the links for the opportunity to vote]:

“Unbroken History” v  The ‘Club’ Was The Victim Of A Conspiracy

Scottish Football Needs A Strong ‘Rangers’ v The Holding Company Was Liquidated

Rangers ’Emerged’ From Administration v LNS Concluded It Is The ‘Same Club’

Neil Doncaster’s Assertion That It Is The ‘Same Club’ v ‘No Sporting Advantage’

The ‘Club’ Is A Metaphysical Construct v Enjoying ‘The Journey’

Clubs Put Sevco In The 3rd Division Through ‘Bigotry’ v The ‘Engine Room Subsidiary’

Charles Green Bought The ‘History’ v The Courts Confirmed It Is The ‘Same Club’

The ‘Club’ Is An Ethereal Entity v Rangers Were Demoted

Ooft! There are certainly some intriguing encounters there!

David Tanner is currently knocking on the door, asking if he can host the coverage and say ‘Old Firm’ a lot. I am away to tell him to get lost. All eight fixtures have been tweeted and the results will be confirmed tomorrow evening. Please share, vote and remember… it’s just a bit of fun!

#KeepOnClumping

UPDATE, 26 February 2016, 10pm: you can see the results of the Last 16, and the Quarter-Final draw by clicking here.

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