Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Neil McCann: Delighted To Be Here

Neil McCann

Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that Neil McCann is the new interim manager of Dundee FC.

Imagine the press conference to unveil him…


Press: “So Neil, what was it that attracted you to the Dundee job?”.

Neil McCann: “Well David, I can’t believe the Celtic player has done that. Its a dive. It’s cheating, pure and simple.”

Press: “Neil, we are asking about your new role as interim manager of Dundee.”

Neil McCann: “It’s an absolute shocker, David. Look at the rule book. LOOK AT THE RULE BOOK. That foul clearly denied an obvious goal-scoring opportunity. The Celtic keeper should be off.”

Press: “Neil! The new job! Do you think you can keep Dundee up this season? Do you think you can finish above the playoff position?”

Neil McCann: “LOOK AT MY RULE BOOK, DAVID! It’s as clear as day that he should be sent off. Its a disgrace. Celtic have been very lucky indeed there.”

Press:Neil. David Tanner isn’t here. This isn’t Sky Sports. It’s a press conference with you.”

Neil McCann: “Well David, as we always used to say at Rangers, if you can’t get motivated for an Old Firm game there’s no point in you pulling on that light blue jersey. The fans expect better. It will be a tough ask for Rangers* but I think they could surprise Celtic here.”

Press: “FFS Neil. Tell us why you are here. What do you think you can do to improve Dundee’s fortunes?”

Neil McCann: “I’ll tell you something David, Scott Brown is very lucky that he’s able to play in the semi-final. Very lucky. I’ve never seen such a foul. He ran 500 yards with a battering ram to take the man out. It’s a shocker.”

Press: “What do you have to say to the Dundee fans who perhaps know you better for your punditry than your coaching? What style of play can they expect?”

Neil McCann: “Well David, it’s been a long way back for Rangers* since their financial implosion, but credit to them and their magnificent fans. They are back in the big time and it is great for our game.”

Press: “Neil, do you have ANYTHING to say about your new job? Do you fancy the role permanently?”

Neil McCann: “I can’t deny that I am feeling pleased to see Rangers* competing in the top flight again, David. They haven’t done as well as they perhaps hoped this season, but they are getting there. And although they won’t admit it, there can be no doubt that Celtic are looking over their shoulder and becoming concerned.”

Press: “Have you seen much of Dundee this season, Neil? Do they have any strengths you want to work on, or weaknesses that you hope to address?”

Neil McCann: “Well David, I’ve seen a lot of Rangers*.”

Press: “That’s not what you were asked.”

Neil McCann: “But it’s all about Rangers*, David. You know that as well as I do. Except when it’s about Celtic getting away with another foul or dive. Have you seen what it says in the rule book. Look, I’ve got it here….”


All the best to fans of Dundee FC…


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…