Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Key To Sevco’s Future Success

Good Evening.

The Clumpany recently noted the astonishing revelation that Paperwork Pedro is going to meet Dave King at some point soon:

When Dave King Comes To Town…

Fancy that, eh? A chairman meeting the manager of his football team. Sevco really should have kept this cunning ruse a secret because I now fear that everyone will copy it, and the Ibrox outfit will never manage to dominate the Universe.

But just as we are beginning to recover from these amazing tidings, some even more dramatic news has emerged.

Firstly, Pedro has spoken to Dave King on the telephone.

No, you didn’t misread that. He’s spoken to him OVER THE TELEPHONE.

All praise Alexander Graham Bell for allowing this double miracle of communication and football ‘club’ operation to occur!

Sadly, we don’t know what model of phone each man was using, the duration of the call, or whether either of them actually realised to whom they were speaking. But we do know that they spoke. OVER THE TELEPHONE! 

The Clumpany urges you to exercise caution when relating this jaw-dropping tale to your nearest and dearest. My pal Alan mentioned it to someone in the supermarket today and everyone within a 20 meter radius fainted.

The second story broken by the Daily Record on the ground-breaking communications between King and Caixinha was as follows:


Not just a conversation. But talks!

And not just talks, but key ones! Don’t you just love a bit of Sevco hyperbole?

The Clumpany believes it has an inkling of what these ‘key’ talks might be like.


Dave King: “Hi Pedro. Nice to meet you. I’ve lost my keys”.

Pedro Caixinha: “You’ve dropped them, Mr King. They are under your chair”.

Dave King: “Thank you Pedro”.

[*King reaches under his seat, picks up the keys and stands up*]

Dave King: “Right I’ll be away to my hire car then. I’ve got a flight to catch”.

Pedro: “But, Mr King…. My transfer budget”

[*Door slams behind King*]


It will be an encounter worthy of a 16-page pull-out supplement in the newspapers, and a month’s worth of Sportsound conversations as Barry Ferguson tells a mesmerised panel about all the keys he had during his Rangers playing career.

Barry Ferguson: “Well Kenny, there were my various car keys, my house keys, and the key to my locker at Murray Park. Oh yes, and there was that hilarious time I went to unlock my garden shed. This will make you laugh. Ha ha ha. I went out to the shed, and when I got there I realised I had taken the wrong key with me! Brilliant! I had to go back to the house and get a different key! The lads in the dressing room had never heard a tale like it, and there was banter for ages afterwards”.

Heaven help us all…