Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Sixteen Things You Need To Know About Pedro Caixinha

After 722 blogs, The Clumpany finally uses a clickbait-tastic title!

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has ‘seen’ a copy of a completely fictitious list of ‘interesting facts’ about the new Sevco manager, which the PR operation has prepared for use by mainstream media outlets. 

As you might expect, the length of the list – 16 items – is a liquidation-denying tribute to the pretend ‘fact’ that Paperwork Pedro is the [*cough*] sixteenth manager in Sevco’s ‘long’ history…

Here is the list in full…

  1. Pedro has always been impressed by how much history Rangers* have. His most abiding memory of his formative upbringing is all about how the school didn’t have a library big enough to hold all the available books about Rangers’* history.
  2. He had never heard of Celtic FC until he watched Rangers* play them today.
  3. Pedro is shocked by how clips can be manufactured and posted on the internet. Especially clips that appear to put him in green and white and feature him congratulating Celtic FC. Who he had never previously heard of.
  4. As a youngster, Pedro bought a copy of the Guinness Book Of Records and wrote ‘Rangers are the world’s most successful club’ on each page. Because he was obviously so impressed by the achievements that he had quite clearly heard about. Just like the rest of the world has…
  5. Pedro felt that Scottish football suffered from the vindictive decision to demote Rangers from the top flight in 2012.
  6. All his friends in Portugal used to gather every evening to talk about how Lord Nimmo-Smith conducted the most reasonable inquiry in the entire history of justice, and was absolutely right about ‘no sporting advantage’ being gained from breaking rules.
  7. Wherever he has been in the world,  people have always stopped Pedro in the street and said that “Scottish football needs a strong Rangers”.
  8. Pedro once read the business pages of a newspaper, so he clearly ‘understands these things’. He feels sorry for the old Rangers holding company, but is glad that the club survived liquidation.
  9. The new Rangers manager agrees with Dave King in all things. Like all right-thinking people.
  10. Pedro believes his previous engagement with the media at other clubs has been hindered by not having his own personal Traynor looming nearby, ready to end the questioning if it isn’t easy.
  11. He has always been of the opinion that a large transfer budget is entirely unnecessary in modern football.
  12. Pedro has always believed that the BBC has a fiercely anti-Rangers* agenda. He may have listened to thousands of hours of BBC Scotland coverage where they have focused on Rangers* like they are their precious first-born child, but he remains convinced that they need to try harder before they can become welcome at Ibrox.
  13. Pedro has long-supported the board’s stance against the evil Sports Direct retail deal by undertaking his own personal boycott. The fact that he has never even previously seen a Sports Direct shop or heard of Mike Ashley is entirely immaterial.
  14. The new manager is convinced that the fans are honour-bound to co-invest in the board’s vision for the club. Pedro may not have yet seen next year’s season ticket prices, but he absolutely believes that they represent outstanding value for money, and encourages you to buy one.
  15. Pedro is happy to provide a quote about how wonderfully-well Rangers* are doing, and about how amazing the board is at any time. He has kindly delegated the provision of supporting quotes to the PR operation. Please do not seek comments from anywhere else. No, really. It’s the PR offices or nothing.
  16. Don’t worry Sportsound. None of this will affect the availability of Barry Ferguson to come on the show and sign autographs. We wouldn’t do that to you. 😉

I am sure you agree that no media outlet worth its salt could possibly be disappointed by this comprehensive offer. It clearly offers a very personal and genuine insight into the perspective of the new Sevco manager.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun