Media, Satire, Sevco

TEN MILLION POUNDS!

Harry Enfield

AAAAAAAAAAARGH!

TEN MILLION POUNDS!

THAT’S TEN MILLION POUNDS!

TEN MILLION POUND COINS!

TWO MILLION FIVERS!

ONE MILLION TEN POUND NOTES!

LOADS AND LOADS AND LOADS OF CASH!

ABSOLUTELY ROLLING IN MONEY!

SO F*CKING RICH THAT WHEN WE WALK DOWN THE STREET PEOPLE POINT AT US AND SAY “LOOK AT THEM. THEY LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS TO SPEND.”

SO UNBELIEVABLY WEALTHY THAT WE COULD BURN FIVE MILLION POUNDS AND THEN BURN ANOTHER FIVE MILLION POUNDS!

“MONEY MONEY MONEY, MUST BE FUNNY, IN OUR TEN MILLION POUND WORLD.”

ALL THOSE THINGS ABBA SAID THEY COULD DO IF THEY HAD A LITTLE MONEY”? WELL WE CAN DO THEM BECAUSE WE HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS!

WE DON’T HAVE A CASH FLOW PROBLEM. WE HAVE A CASH TSUNAMI PROBLEM! BECAUSE WE HAVE GOT TEN MILLION POUNDS!

GIRFUY SCOTTISH FOOTBALL! CASH IS KING, AND WE ARE THE KINGS OF CASH, BECAUSE OF DAVE KING’S CASH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! PRAISE THE LORD! BECAUSE WE HAVE TEN MILLION POUNDS.

(As long as we can sell this guy…)

Morelos

#KeepOnClumping

PS Let’s all have a sing-song… Click here!

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Intergalactic Interest

Good Evening.

A number of alarming reports reached me this morning from the Clumpany Space Monitoring Centre. They stated that a number of UFOs had approached the Earth in formation at incredible speed, and had entered the atmosphere over Northern Europe.

I immediately dispatched a top Clumpany Agent to investigate.

By lunchtime he had tracked down the UFOs to an implausibly-deserted car park on the outskirts of Glasgow, where no one else had spotted them. Remarkably, the UFOs were exactly like the most cliched flying saucer you could imagine from the most hackneyed of science fiction movies.

My agent tried to sneak up to the saucers for a closer look, but was seen by the extra-terrestrial visitors and beamed aboard, where he immediately feared for his life.

The Leader of the grey-skinned, big-eyed aliens had him restrained on a table and began to ask some questions.

Alien: [*Hissing*] “I want to know…”

Clumpany Agent: [*Shaking in terror*] “I’ll tell you anything!”

Alien:I need to know…”

Clumpany Agent: [*Becoming hysterical*] “Anything at all. Absolutely anything I know about planet Earth, its Leaders, its people, its politics, its history, the most important countries…”

Alien:I MUST know…”

Clumpany Agent: [*Losing it completely*] “I’ll tell you ANYTHING!”

Alien: “It is imperative that I know…”

Clumpany Agent: [*In tears*] “Please! Just ask me and I will tell you!”

Alien: [*Annoyed*] “Cease your prattling! I want to know where I can find this Graeme Murty entity.”

Clumpany Agent: [*Bewildered*] “What?! Graeme Murty the Sevco manager?”

Alien: “Is there a second Graeme Murty being on this planet?”

Clumpany Agent: “No, just one. And you will find him at Auchen, Auchen, Auchenhow… err… the Sevco training ground. I can give you the address. Have you got a pen?”

Alien: [*Staring silently*]

Clumpany Agent: [*Relaxing a little*] “No, I don’t suppose you do pens, do you?”

Alien: “We will find this ‘Sevco training ground’.”

Clumpany Agent: “Good. But why are you here? And why Graeme Murty?”

Alien: “We have the ability to travel anywhere in the Universe, and to explore millions of galaxies, but we have made haste to Earth as quickly as possible. We have heard many things about the wonders of the Universe, and one day we may see them all.

“However, the opportunity to work with the Great Murty was too tempting to pass up. So here we are.”

>>>>>>

Meanwhile, in less plausible ‘news’…

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Fight To The Death?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany had a call early this morning from my good pal Alan. It was nice to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. 😉

Last night he’d overheard two blokes in the pub talking about Sevco ‘swooping’ for Hamilton’s Greg Docherty.

Alan was in a high state of alarm because the lads had said that – according to the Record – Hamilton were ready to play ‘hardball’ with Sevco over their player, who has plenty of time left on his contract.

Alan likes the world to be a peaceful place, and hadn’t managed to catch up with the Record article, so he called me for the low-down…

Alan: “Apparently the article said ‘hardball’! You’ve got to tell me what Hamilton are up to. Have they got the player locked up in a secret location? Because that would be a bit OTT”.

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they gone to Court and had an interdict slapped on Stewart Robertson to stop him from trying to organise the transfer? Wow!”

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they invented an invisibility cloak in a secret laboratory and forced Docherty to wear it at all times so that Sevco can never find him? That’s incredible!”

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they got Dave King in a headlock? Have they sent the heavy mob round to give the Sevco board and Murty a good kicking? Bloody Hell!”

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they put up observation posts with machine guns around the stadium and training ground to stop Sevco from approaching their player? I bet they have! With tanks patrolling a 2-mile perimeter? Dear me!”

TC: “No Alan…”

Alan: “Have they started shelling Ibrox from a submarine in the Clyde? A submarine that they bought from a shady arms dealer in the toilets of a nightclub using a pile of book tokens that their clandestine forgery operation had changed to look like cash? That’s outrageous!”

TC: “No, no, no, no NO Alan! You’ve got it all wrong!”

Alan: “What? You mean it’s something even more appalling? What the f*ck are Hamilton playing at? I’m not normally one to sympathise with Sevco, but it sounds like Accies are bang out of order here.”

TC: “It seems that the Hamilton Chairman wants to receive a proper, professional, cash-based offer for the player, Alan.”

Alan: [*Silence*]

TC: “Alan? Alan? ALAN? Are you still there?”

Alan: [*Thudding sound*] [*Phone goes dead*]

Alan was subsequently rushed to hospital suffering from shock, but is expected to be discharged in a couple of days. Rumours that several senior Sevco officials are in the same ward for treatment remain unconfirmed… 😉

Hamilton ready to play hardball with Rangers* after Ibrox side make move for Greg Docherty

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

‘Winning’ An Intercontinental Cup

Rangers* Caked In American Success

Stateside Cup triumph was no trifling matter says our man perusing the Gers’* American menu of delights.

By O. Yummy

Rangers’* massive dinner party in the USA ended in a feast of success as they ate up and spat out their opposition last night in the Flo ‘n’ Ida Cupcake. Flo and Ida were – of course – two English nans who emigrated to America, but who could probably win the Scottish Premiership… err… single-handedly.

Rangers* adopted an attacking line-up with two curries up front who managed to play some spicy football. But there were other great performances, not least from six-layer cake in goal, classic burgers and fries in defence, and some truly creative pancakes in midfield.

A packed crowd of fast-food stalls witnessed an epic encounter which saw the Gers* stamp their culinary authority on the Brazil nut opposition.

The waiter had very little to do as the meal was conducted in a great spirit and he only had to show the menu twice in a fast-scoffing encounter.

The Gers* management freshened things up at half time, replacing pancakes with waffles, and bolstering the attack with some onion bhajis. There was also a surprise change in tactics as Graeme Murty opted for room service back at the hotel later instead of a restaurant meal.

The Rangers* fans trip joined in the spirit of the occasion by singing about “being up to our knees in Mississippi Mud”. This was probably a banterful reference to the exquisite dessert which – incidentally – I smeared on my body throughout the match.

Having turned on the style, and with the waiter disappointing adding only two mints to the plate accompanying the bill, the heroic Rangers* players quickly took the salute of the travelling fans at the end of the game and headed off for some more food.

All in all this was a great trip for the Light Blues. Not one plate was left empty throughout, and the players will certainly be ready to devour the Scottish Premiership at the end of the winter break.

As for your humble correspondent, I am away to grab my final opportunity for a burger grease rub-down before heading home. God bless the United States of America!

>>>>>>

Further dispatches from the Flo ‘n’ Ida Cupcake can be found at:

Wow! America!

The MSM Goes To Florida

The Most Surprised Man In The World

Oh, and let’s not forget this…

Rangers in Florida: Ibrox stars lap up phenomenal training facilities but it’s all about the top notch grub for hungry Press pack

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire

The Most Surprised Man In The World

“Dear Diary.

Today has been a day of massive coincidences! I can’t believe some of the crazy stuff that has been happening almost everywhere I have been.

I’m not sure what to make of it, to be honest. At first I wondered whether someone was playing a lot of practical jokes on me and I’d end up on some hidden camera TV show. But no one could possibly have organised all the weird things I have encountered.

It’s been quite a ride and the lads back at the office will probably never believe me.

However, I know that you Dear Diary will always believe me, so here’s what happened…

I went out for a walk this morning by the side of the road, and you’ll never guess what I saw! It was completely unbelievable. Somehow, by some strange turn of the Universe, there were cars on it! Can you believe it?! Cars, on the road! Incredible!

I stopped a man to point this out and noticed that he had a lead in his hand. And then – unbelievably – I saw that there was a dog attached to it! A dog, on a lead! And just when I thought it couldn’t get any more freaky, the dog barked! Wow! A lead with a dog on it that could make a barking sound! How can all these things possibly happen at once?

I decided it was worth sitting down for a few minutes to gather my thoughts, so I popped into a diner. To my utter astonishment they had food and drink available. To buy! And in a jaw-dropping twist of fate, I had my wallet with me, and – OMG – it had money in it!

I was so shaken by all these coincidences that I could hardly drink my coffee. Especially as it came in – of all things – a cup! An actual cup! And what great luck that not only did the cup have a handle on it, I had fingers to hold the handle!

Absolute scenes!

Nevertheless, despite all the bizarre events of the morning, I managed to pull myself together ahead of going to watch Rangers* who were playing nearby. But it was then that the most Earth-shattering coincidence of them all occurred:

Even now, several hours later, I am still in shock!

What is this sorcery?”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

The Sevco Administration Fantasy

Unicorn

Good Evening.

OK everybody, it is time to stop messing about. It is time to stop deluding ourselves. It is time to get a grip, and face some cold hard facts.

Rangers* are not at risk of going into administration. All is well. In fact things are so well at Ibrox that you could lower a bucket on a piece of rope, pull it back up and find it full of water. I say water, but it could actually be the Timmy tears cried when we realised that we had got it so very wrong, and Rangers* are – in fact – in rude financial health. So rude in fact, that their accounts can only be bought from the top shelf of a newsagent.

We have had our fun, our laughs, and our schadenfreude. But enough is enough. It is time to admit that Rangers* are in a good place, rolling in cash and ready to crush all opposition.

Anyone not willing to accept this needs to take a long hard look at themselves and seek help. Rangers* are not the one with problems. You are.

It is quite clear to anyone without an agenda who cares to investigate that the RIFC board has brought a golden era to the Ibrox outfit. An era where money is no problem whatsoever. People say that Rangers* couldn’t secure the managerial services of Derek McInnes owing to an acute lack of immediately-available funds. I am here to tell you that such assertions are simply incorrect. Dave King put the money to compensate Aberdeen in an escrow account, and if anyone doesn’t believe this, I understand that the crow himself is willing to squawk on the Bible that it is true.

As for the suggestion that there is no money to assemble a world-beating squad of players, you only have to look at all the board members standing by with penknives and a willingness to sell their kidneys to know that this an insulting lie.

Rangers* have so much money that they have engaged a recruitment consultant to hire extra zeros to appear on the end of their bank balance, and the under soil heating at Ibrox has been converted so it is powered by burning bundles of £20 notes.

Some have suggested that the Takeover Panel and Court of Session insistence that Dave King makes an offer for RIFC shares at 20p each might cause extreme difficulties for both Chairman and football ‘club’. This is absolute garbage. Dave is currently counting out the pennies he saved in an empty whisky bottle the size of the Empire State Building and can make the required share offer if ultimately necessary. But what a waste of time it would be, given that RIFC shares are currently worth ten bars of gold each as a result of the board’s exceptional stewardship!

Mark my words, these are great days for Rangers*. All talk of financial difficulties and administration is simply wishful thinking on the part of the obsessed, envious, and deluded.

Dave ‘Kerching’ King has the Midas touch, and Rangers* are coming to humiliate us all.

Meanwhile, in other news…

Rangers* heading for administration? That’s more Aye Right than Aye Ready

I think Gary may have finally found his ‘lost relationship’ with Rangers*.

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The MSM Goes To Florida

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has always fancied getting into TV. It would have been far easier back in the days of huge cathode ray tube sets as there was plenty of room. However, nowadays they are much too thin, even for an ethereal entity such as myself… 😉

I jest (no, really…).

The thought of getting an idea on to the TV screen is very appealing, and I have been greatly inspired by the adventures of the intrepid folk currently reporting on Sevco’s trip to the USA.

I am working on a pitch to Channel 5 for a new reality show “The Scottish MSM Goes To Florida”. In following our journalist heroes, we would surely be entertained by a highly stimulating mix of hard-hitting investigations and outright japery.

Wouldn’t we?

Here are some of the potential episodes I have identified so far:

* Fly-on-the-wall coverage of the SMSM’s in-depth investigation into “the notorious lynching of a Florida man in the year 2000” entitled ‘Hanging Chad: The Truth’.

* Ahead of a planned spectacular fight with an alligator, our heroes spend a week outdoors with their mouths wide open. ‘Hilarity’ ensues when they finally realise the state isn’t called ‘Fluoride’ and their teeth haven’t got any stronger.

* A day marvelling at the wonders of the Kennedy Space Center: the manufacturing heartland of Florida where all the world’s keyboard spacebars are apparently made.

* The lads’ attempt to channel their Inner Cilla goes horribly wrong when they reunite Florida Keys with its Surprise Surprised long-lost relative, Richard…

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* A celebrity woodworking special with Don Johnson and his famous Miami vice.

* A day out in Orange County where viewers are invited to make their own staunch jokes.

* The series finale, where our heroes try to sell copies of their Scottish newspapers at Walt Disney World, and have it confirmed that the industry is completely and utterly Donald Ducked.

If any TV executives fancy taking me up on this exciting opportunity, please DM me via Twitter. No time-wasters please.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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