Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Money And Sporting Advantage

Good Evening.

The Clumpany’s ethereal eye was caught by this piece in the Daily Record (yes, it still exists…).

How I laughed at the idea that having more money available to spend on players might confer a sporting advantage!

What a ridiculous suggestion!

I assumed that the Record’s finest subsequently took Mr Windass outside and gave him a stern talking-to for making such an outrageous claim.

After all, we have been left in no doubt in recent years that having more money to spend on players does not result in greater success in Scottish football.

The very idea is clearly absurd.

However, as a humanitarian-minded ethereal entity I couldn’t help but be concerned for Windass after his unfortunate and humiliating mistake. After all, it can’t be nice to be in a position where your basic beliefs about how sport operates in Scotland are utterly toxic to those around you. Especially if the mass media is likely to be on your back.

So I gave Windass a call to see how he was.

To my astonishment he was absolutely fine!

He said that the Sevco PR operation had told him that the Record knew exactly where he was coming from, and that his comments had been great!

Confused, I asked Mr Windass what he meant by this.

He explained that the PR operation had instructed him that he had correctly referred to Celtic shamefully having more money to spend than the Ibrox outfit. As such, he had created an opportunity to put the ‘obsessed’ in their place and confirm the magnitude of Rangers’* historic achievements.

Windass told me that “the helpful PR person” had then reassured him that despite what almost everyone believed, and despite what the taxman may assert, the ‘same club’ ‘Rangers’ had actually always paid its players in chocolate coins. Chocolate coins which were also available to all other clubs in various pound shops across Scotland. Especially at Christmas, but also (preferably) in the New Year when they were often priced at two or three packs for a pound.

The truth of the matter, Windass was ‘told’, was that ‘Rangers’ NEVER had more actual money to spend than their rivals. Their alleged wealth back in the day was all based on chocolate coins.

As such, the Sevco PR operation was happy to endorse Windass’s views in the Record this week. Indeed, they felt that they were helpful in managing the expectations of fans who need to know that Celtic are brazenly spending their own money on players without so much as a by your leave.

So there you have it. Rangers gained no sporting advantage from having more money to spend on players than their competitors.

They only had chocolate.

And Celtic are ruining Scottish football by having their own hard-earned money to spend on better players as they see fit.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a big ‘WTF?’ at apparent inconsistencies in the ongoing Sevco reportage…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Barry Ferguson Got Lucky

Good Afternoon.

Not appearing in a mainstream publication anytime soon…

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“Barry Ferguson Got Lucky” says the rest of humanity

Everyone reckons that without a massive slice of luck, Barry Ferguson wouldn’t be darkening our door with the sort of opinions that are usually worthy of a very late-night conversation in the pub.

By W.T.F. He-Saying

Sometimes you have to marvel at how far you can get in life on the back of being able to pass a ball sideways and by having friends in the media who are still in love with a period of Scottish football which is synonymous with industrial-scale cheating, and which ultimately left tax-funded public services out of pocket.

You have to say that Barry Ferguson is probably The Man when it comes to luck, luck, lucky, luck-type stuff!

  • He gets paid to talk about playing in a European final despite being part of a side whose tactics and entertainment value could get football stopped if they were repeated too often. How lucky is that?
  • He gets a platform to bleat about his side effectively being cheated out of a chance of European glory because the domestic authorities wouldn’t extend the season. Despite the fact that they did actually extend the season. How lucky is that?
  • He gets airtime and column inches to talk about international football despite literally giving international football two fingers during his playing days. How lucky is that?

Listen, I am not trying to begrudge Barry anything. OK, maybe I am… So here are some more points…

  • He gets to talk about managers and their shortcomings when, well, let me just say “Clyde FC languishing in League Two”. How lucky is that?
  • He is invited to give his opinion about what might be good for Scottish football despite having an EBT so large it could be mistaken for an airship. How lucky is that?
  • He enjoys the admiration of Kenny Macintrye. How lucky is that? Actually, that’s not really very lucky at all. But he presumably gets paid to appear on Sportsound. So how lucky is THAT?!

Don’t include me in any rush to say “Barry’s played a blinder. He had a successful playing career and is now deservedly offering his insights to an interested public”.

I’m sorry, but I am not having that. He’s enjoying the sort of luck that will probably give him a gullible Daily Record audience which will lap up any old clueless sh*te about how Sevco are ‘closing the gap and didn’t deserve to lose to ten-man Celtic last weekend.

What’s that you say?

Celtic boss Brendan Rodgers is no managerial mastermind and got lucky against Rangers – Barry Ferguson

Wow! Barry Ferguson, you are probably the luckiest man alive!

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Slagging Off The SFA

Good Evening.

Possibly not appearing in a newspaper near you tomorrow

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Editorial: The Future of the SFA

This paper makes the big call that everyone has been waiting for.

By Ed. Band-Wagon

The Afternoon Guffaw has never shied away from confronting the biggest issues in Scottish football.

From the aeroplane legroom enjoyed by senior administrators, to the quality of biscuits in the press box, we have always lived up to the expectations of our loyal-yet-demanding readers and spoken truth to power. Or at least spoken to power. OK, we have doffed a cap to them, and given them our coats on a cold day.

From the warm applause we offered to the authorities for helping Rangers* to emerge from liquidation in 2012, to the palm leaves we scattered before Dave King in 2015, whenever there has been a boat to be rocked we have come over all seasick and gone for a lie-down.

So it will come as no surprise to you to read that we have decided to take a bold stance on the current circumstances surrounding the SFA. With no chief executive or Scotland manager in place, with problems in securing sponsors, and with a huge decision to make about the future of Hampden Park, this is a time for us to nail our colours to the mast.

Let there be no doubt, this paper has taken a long hard look at everything that has happened in Scottish football in recent years, and assessed the contribution of the governing body to it.

Having done this, we have absolutely no qualms in expressing our unshakable conviction that the SFA might not be quite as good as it should be.

While we wouldn’t wish to see the organisation abolished, or completely restructured, or substantively altered, or changed all that much, we do think that the Hampden power-brokers need to ask themselves some searching questions, and should commission a review of the standard of toilet roll on offer at the SFA’s HQ.

This is no half-hearted call on the part of this newspaper. We want the review to be comprehensive and encompass the toilet roll in both the gents’ and the ladies’.

However, we are also clear that the review needs to be constructive. There is nothing to be gained from pandering to the foaming-at-the-mouth elements on social media who would only pollute a debate about toilet roll by suggesting that they wouldn’t wipe their anonymous arses with our rag of a newspaper.

So we therefore invite – and indeed trust – the SFA to do the right thing in-house.

Our readers can rest assured that this paper will be unrelenting in its determination to hold the SFA to account. We will be like a dog with a bone. Especially if your image of a dog with a bone is a playful Andrex puppy looking for approval and cuddles.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, SFA

Peter Lawwell Raises An Eyebrow

Good Evening.

Celtic CEO Peter Lawwell says few things in public.

Some of us think he has said piss-takingly few things in public given how his club – and its fans and shareholders – have seemingly been taken for a ride by the SFA’s approach to player registration, European licensing and coal-raking.

Amongst other things.

However, Mr Lawwell has tonight raised an eyebrow in public. An eyebrow raised in the direction of certain offices and office holders in Hampden.

Peter Lawwell does not readily move facial muscles in public. And he certainly doesn’t often do it in a way that might catch the eye of any potentially Rangers (IL)-pining elements of the Scottish sports media.

But he did so today. An eyebrow went up, and it seemed as though it was directed towards the SFA.

Elevated eyebrows are usually solely a matter for their owner. They generally convey no more than a casual gesture. However, we are taking about a Peter Lawwell eyebrow here.

And one which he raised without the assistance of his usually-hidden Fenian hand.

We will see how this almost imperceptible Lawwell contribution to the debate about the shambolic state of the governance of Scottish football pans out.

But, for what it’s worth, I suspect that whenever SFA office holders see a Peter Lawwell eyebrow in upward motion, they may have reason to try and restrain their bowels from ejecting an outward motion.

Let us hope so. After all, it seems as though there might be an awful lot of Hampden ‘shit’ worthy of expulsion. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Stark Reminder To Liquidation Deniers

Good Evening.

The Clumpany was struck by this tweet and quote published by Sevco FC earlier today.

Like many folk on social media, The Clumpany greatly appreciated the frank admission from Sevco’s own current manager that the basket of assets still seeks its first (major) trophy.

Well done Mr Murty! You are clearly made of strong, truth-embracing stuff.

The Clumpany now looks forward to a tranquil state of acceptance finally washing over the Deluded State of Sevconia.

It was never going to be easy for them to accept that their sense of superiority is as baseless as their first club’s latter-day creditworthiness, but surely NOW – almost six years on – they are finally ready to embrace a truth that we all saw unfolding in 2012?

Let us keep the liquidation deniers in our thoughts during this difficult time as they come to terms with the Sevco manger confirming the creditor-stiffing truth that they perhaps would rather not see. Ever.

And in completely unrelated news, can I send the Evening Shark-Jump’s finest my unreserved compliments of this latest Rangers-free season? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, they can lie, lie and lie again, but we all saw what happened in 2012

Alan’s Adventures, Media, Satire, Sevco

An Unfortunate Accident

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany just had a distressed call from my good pal Alan, who I haven’t seen for a while.

He sounded frantic.

“Hi Clumpany. I’m just calling you to let you know what’s happened and to ask if you could bring a few things to the hospital for me.”

I was obviously alarmed and asked him what had happened. He sometimes gets hit by cars because the drivers don’t see him for some reason, but he usually takes it in his stride. So for him to actually be in hospital must have meant that something REALLY bad had occurred.

“It’s my own fault really. You know that bad habit I have…? No, not that one. And not that one either. And NO, it f*cking isn’t the other one. I gave that up ages ago.”

Alan is quite a character. He continued:

“No, it’s that thing I do in the street. No, not that thing. Or the other thing. I reached an understanding with them about that.”

Alan leads an interesting life. Finally, he got to the point:

“You know how I like to kick cans while I am out and about? If I see one littering the street I can’t resist giving it a good kick down the road. BOOM! And off it goes!

“Well, this has been going on for a few years now and over the last couple I had started to notice that whenever I kicked a can it was travelling less and less distance.

“So I tried harder. I started psyching myself up, and telling myself and anyone who would listen that I was the best can kicker in the world. I would shout and bellow and channel all of my aggression into my run-up as I tried to boot the can a bit further.

“But ultimately it made no difference. That kicked can kept ending up near and nearer to me. Until today….”

Adopting an understandably earnest tone, I invited Alan to reveal what had happened today.

“Well today I took the longest run-up ever, I shouted louder than ever, and I gave that can the biggest f*cking kick you have ever seen. Seriously Clumpany, it had the force of a bomb going off.

“And as my foot connected with the can, it stuck to my foot. It didn’t move an inch. The force of the impact rebounded on me, and I flew twenty feet into a wall. I’m in agony.

“For some reason, no one saw me there so I had to crawl to A&E. I then wrapped myself in some bandages and – oddly – it was at that precise moment that the doctor finally saw me and offered an immediate diagnosis.”

Extremely worried, I asked Alan what the doctor had diagnosed, and whether it was serious.

“You bet it’s serious Clumpany.

“He says I have bust my holding company.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire

Safe And Secure

Good Morning.

Woohoo!

The Clumpany invites you all to share in the joy that its finances are absolutely amazing, and that it has managed – uniquely in the entire history of humanity and ethereal entities – to obtain finance secured against its assets.

This must surely be a landmark moment? Possibly the most landmarkest landmark moment in the history of landmarkdom!

What an absolute triumph it is for The Clumpany to be able to stick two fingers up at all doubters – and possibly the general tenor of audited accounts – and be able to say “f*ck me, a comparatively modest amount of cash secured against my assets!”.

If the availability of a secured loan isn’t evidence of Happy Days Being Here Again*, (especially in these days of some enterprises being subject to a going concern warning), I don’t know what is!

All hail the totally unique provision of secured finance, and possible ambiguity over its potential implications!

Will the world ever see the like again?

Meanwhile, The Clumpany awaits the creation of something called ‘unsecured finance’. It really could prove useful to many people and also to potentially-struggling ethereal entities. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…