Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

How To Celebrate A Sevco Victory

Good Evening.

Overheard in a pub a short while ago. Possibly.

Celtic fan #1: “F*ck me. That’s embarrassing. Shocking from Celtic. I can’t believe we lost to the new club. What the f*ck has the board been playing at? And what about the manager and players? Do they think that’s acceptable?”

Celtic fan #2: “I know mate. Disgraceful stuff. The pressure is on now to sort the side out for the rest of the season.”

Celtic fan #3: “Aye, we are still top, we won the League Cup and we are still in Europe, but FFS we will never hear the end of it. Lawwell and Rodgers better get things sorted for the rest of the season.”

Meanwhile, over in another corner of the pub, the chat is also all about football… 😉

Sevco fan #1: “F*cking brilliant. We showed those b*stard paedo Tarrier f*ckers why they should go home!”

Sevco fan #2 “Spot on. Fenian b*stards. They are a f*cking stain on society. We showed them. Dave King is definitely bringing us 55. They won’t be able to handle it. The smelly mhanky bheasts!”

Sevco fan #3 “Well said mate. We are The People and they are sub f*cking human. This is our country and they should know their place! The Gaffer is going to be a legend when he delivers 55! F*ck Brenda Rodgers”

Sevco fan #1: “Brenda? F*cking brilliant mate! The Tarriers don’t have banter like that!”

And in a reserved area of the pub there were a few Scottish football journalists…

Journo #1: “Fantastic game yesterday. Brilliant result! It’s like David Murray never left Ibrox!”

Journo #2: “Usually I pretend he hasn’t! But yeah, it’s absolutely f*cking fantastic!” [*Rubs self uncomfortably*]

Journo #3: “Are you OK mate? Only you look like you are in pain.”

Journo #2: “Well I overdid the celebrations yesterday.”

Journo #3: “How do you mean? You are rubbing your [*cough*] groin area FFS!”

Journo #2: “Aye well I might have accidentally rubbed all the skin off my c*ck in the excitement.”

Journo #1: “F*ck, I’m glad it’s not just me! I’ve been in agony all day, but have been trying to hide it!”

Journo #2: “Good to know you are on board! How about you pal? Any chafing after the big win?”

Journo #3: “Bloody hell. Some of us have been around long enough to still have our Rangers* 9-in-a-row lubricant when required. It’s all about keeping your dignity. No chafing or blisters here. And look how smooth my hands are as well…”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of (admittedly tasteless) satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

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Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Careless hack given “mother of all b*llockings” by furious top brass at famous Scottish paper.

By A.N. Absolute-Disgrace.

One of Scotland’s most prominent journalists was left shaken last night after his boss threatened to sack him over an unfortunate mistake in his preview of the upcoming Old Firm-tastic Old Firm fixture.

The journalist concerned – who is well known as an Old Firm fan – is also understood to be fearing ostracism by his colleagues (unless of course they have an emu rather than an ostrich).

A source close to the usually tight-knit (OK yes they do actually wear polyester rather than wool) newsroom spoke to us on condition of anonymity (not that we have heard of them). They exclusively revealed the sorry tale which looks set to destroy the credibility of the legendary football scribe.

“I still can’t believe it”, said our eyewitness. “The journo submitted his piece, and put his coat on to leave for the day, when suddenly the editor…What do you mean? Yes of course we have editors. You don’t think we just produce our articles like a misfiring arse pebbledashes a bathroom wall do you?

“Oh you do… Anyway, the editor suddenly stormed into the open plan and literally dragged the journalist into a meeting room. He slammed him against the wall and started yelling at him. I’ve never heard swearing like it. Well not since some of my pals discovered that a debenture at Ibrox had nothing to do with the club but only with the liquidated COMPANY!”

Our shocked insider continued. “In between all the foul language we could make out that the journalist had submitted an Old Firm article the day before an Old Firm game which contained some words that were neither ‘Old’ nor ‘Firm’. What a schoolboy error!

“You go through all that Traynoring and also get some qualifications, and what do you do? You stupidly write an Old Firm article in Old Firm week that has words in it like ‘a’, ‘is’, to’ and ‘and’, which take up valuable space that could have been filled with ‘Old Firm’. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, apparently he also put some adjectives and – FFS – verbs in the piece as if they were going out of fashion.”

Shaking his head and eyeing up a potential future promotion opportunity, our source added: “How the hell does he expect to keep his job and maintain the respect of the rest of the press pack if he’s going to undermine our hard-won reputation by not writing articles that solely consist of the words ‘Old Firm’ in the week of an Old Firm-a-licious Old Firm game?”

The guilty hack has been warned not to repeat his grave error of judgement on pain of instant dismissal, and he has also been instructed to complete some mandatory re-Traynoring.

“Hopefully he’ll be OK” said our insider. “He’s been told he must write 10,000 lines of ‘I must always mention Old Firm’ on a blackboard.

“I just hope he has the brains to leave out the ‘I must always mention…’ part. Otherwise the boss will think he’s REALLY taking the p*ss.

“The boss doesn’t want to see anything other than ‘Old Firm’ in the sports pages.

“Ever”.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Clumpany Matters, Media, Scottish Football

The Christmas List

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Good Evening.

It would be remiss of The Clumpany not to take time out from an evening of mulled Buckie and Bleach to wish you all a very happy Christmas.

I can’t spend too long writing as my pal Alan is due to pop round and I haven’t seen him in ages…

Alan says he’ll bring round some of his famous Utterly Mince Pies. They are made from genuine Evening Shark-Jump articles.

He will also bring a small handful of hand-crafted ‘Daily Record Sevco peanuts’. Produced in Edinburgh, all eleven of them are a-salted by Hibs fans. 😉

We’ll be keeping an eye out for Santa and hoping he doesn’t get grounded by drones. He should be OK though given that Sportsound is currently off air.

My Christmas list is pretty short this year. It begs for a merciful release for Scottish football from the professional trolling of Sky Sports. I mean, who in their right mind would ever contemplate putting Boyd, Commons and McCann in the same studio in the name of either entertainment or analysis? It has to be an elaborate practical joke, doesn’t it? And how hard can it be to tell the difference between Dundee and Dundee United? One of them is an embarrassment to Dundee and the other is… err…

Oh. 😉

I’d quite like to see Peter Lawwell separated from his cheque book and locked in the toilet for the entire duration of the next transfer window. He’ll be able to freely sh*t himself at the prospect of actual money being spent on players, but he won’t be able to interfere in the recruitment process.

I hear Dave King has asked for a new pair of boots and 19 million cans to be delivered outside the Court of Session so he can indulge his favourite pastime of kicking them down the road until the end of time. I also hear that the Takeover Panel has had an interdict slapped on the elves who make presents so Dave might have to borrow other people’s cans and boots. There’s a first time for everything I suppose.

I don’t know what Mike Ashley wants for Christmas, but I do know that he’s having Christmas dinner with his legal team, and the traditional jokes in his Christmas crackers have been replaced by pictures of the new Sevco shop. Apparently the assembled QC’s think it’s the funniest thing they have ever seen.

Right, I need to go, but before I do let’s hope that Keith Jackson gets something nice for Christmas

If the above tweet is his Christmas list then I fear Keith is going to be disappointed. Santa previously brought him TWO Sevcos (5088 and Scotland) and he now denies they ever arrived! Santa doesn’t like having his generosity thrown back in his face.

And before anyone at the Record dares to suggest that Santa isn’t real, let me reassure them that he is…

Have a great Christmas with those nearest and dearest to you. But if Christmas isn’t easy for you, may you get through it as best you can and go forward into better times.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

A Handy Guide To The Latest Sevco Accounts

Good Evening.

Yes I know that the accounts published last week were those of RIFC, which is different to the engine room subsidiary once known as Sevco Scotland (or is it Sevco 5088?!).

I also know that RIFC is different to the ethereal ‘football club’ which UEFA will tell you is actually the legal entity once known as Sevco Scotland (or Sevco 5088?!), but NEVER to be mistaken for the club incorporated shortly before Queen Victoria passed away.

However, I wanted to refer to ‘Sevco’ in the title of this blog to cater for the possibility that Martin Williams might read this. And if he does, I would like him to note quite how much we are still laughing at his liquidation-denying Herald output.

Oh, and I also wanted to ask Martin if his fleet-footedness has yet secured him a gig with the Bolshoi Ballet. After all, if he can’t play a lead role in Swan Lake there must surely be an ironic bit-part for him as a dead-but-allegedly-still-living Norwegian Blue parrot.

Mustn’t there?

But I digress.

The main point of this attempted blog was simply to warn regular readers to continue to look out for a few potential pieces of misdirection which might cause them to think that all is well with the recent ‘Sevco’ accounts…

‘Turnover’ most certainly does not refer to what Sevco have done to Sports Direct in the courts.

‘Operating loss’ does not refer to a Glasgow surgeon who misplaced his Ibrox season book.

‘Going Concern warning’ is NOT an alert about an unreliable coach company.

‘Converting loans to equity’ does not imply a money-spinning convoluted player transfer to the actors’ trade union.

‘Concert party’ does not relate to a mistaken request from the Takeover Panel to borrow a box set of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum from Dave King.

‘Repaying the fans’ loyalty’ most certainly does not imply a refund.

I hope that clarifies matters.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Urgent Medical Problems

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the medical services of Scotland and all other places in which the SPFL is followed are standing by for an influx of people seeking urgent relief for a hitherto unexpected ailment.

This sudden and unprecedented demand looks set to to put the annual ‘winter flu crisis’ and indeed all past pandemics in the shade as folk swamp GP surgeries and A&E departments with their demands for medical attention. As such, The Clumpany is led to believe that domestic governmental agencies as well as the UN are making preparations to make emergency airdrops of supplies to a beleaguered population.

The Clumpany has also been informed that the heads of countless religions have informed local leaders to be on stand-by to assist those fans of Scottish football who may be seeking a miracle cure in the coming days.

The seriousness of this impending medical apocalypse cannot be underestimated. As such, The Clumpany implores to help anyone that you see in distress.

The signs will be easy to spot. Thousands and thousands of people will be grimacing and wailing following the sudden onset of terrible arthritis. Arthritis brought on by repeatedly shrugging their shoulders in complete indifference to the following news:

Stay strong everyone.

This important medical update has been brought to you in association with the Amalgamated Society of Split Sides Survivors and Refusers to Have Their Intelligence Insulted. 😉

#KeepOnS̶c̶o̶p̶e̶Clumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire

Having Rangers’ Sh*t On Your Doorstep

Good Evening.

The Clumpany loves a bit of gossip about the Scottish sports media’s finest.

Here is a completely made up bit of ‘news’ which reached me from a contact at the Level Gutter agency.

Apparently the journalist in question has been having a bit of trouble with a neighbour’s dog. The neighbour is a Sevco fan and has a dog called ‘Rangers’. The neighbour says that it’s the same dog as the one which sadly passed away in 2012, but that’s not central to this particular blog.

The dog is – frankly – a bit hostile to everything, and not widely-liked in the neighbourhood, but it’s owner loves him.

Unfortunately, like it’s ‘same’ predecessor, it has a terrible habit of coming to the journalist’s house and sh*tting all over the doorstep.

Pretty much every day the hapless journalist steps outside, believing that everything will be OK after a previous unfortunate incident that is best forgotten… and then SQUELCH! The journalist treads in Rangers’ sh*t!

All day people catch a whiff of something that the journalist really ought to do something about. But no matter how many times it is pointed out to them they just carry on regardless, get up the following day and SQUELCH! The same things happens again.

Now, you might think that the journalist ought to deal with the issue of Rangers’ unrelenting defecation on their patch. But no. Apparently they have far more important matters to shout about!

Instead of advocating a cleansing of Rangers’ sh*t, they get strangely worked up about a cat sh*tting on a doorstep in a completely different neighbourhood, and a pigeon crapping in a foreign country.

Indeed they are often heard exclaiming that “It’s disgraceful that no one is cleaning up that mess and making sure it can never happen again”.

But for some unknown reason, Rangers’ sh*t is of absolutely no interest to them! Despite it actually sticking to their shoe every day.

Why on Earth could that be?

Let’s just hope that our canine friend ‘Rangers’ doesn’t come back to bite the journalist on the arse!

Woof woof!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Sevco, SFA

Beheading For Sevco!

Good Evening.

Surely The Clumpany will hear this on the radio in the not-too-distant future?!

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Presenter: “And joining us in the studio to discuss Allan McGregor’s ludicrous non-brush with the authorities are a completely sensible ex-Rangers player and some random commentator who we are having to entertain under sufferance. Let me first turn to you ex-Rangers star. Do you agree that the Compliance Officer is right not to seek sanctions against our pal Allan McGregor?”

Ex Rangers (or Sevco) player (ERSP): “Allan did absolutely nothing wrong! He was just looking after his goal. There is no reason to haul him before the SFA beaks. Even though I agree with those who say that comparing SFA folk with parts of a duck is silly”.

Random Commentator: “Well that’s an interesting point of view. But let’s be honest, Allan McGregor attacked an opposition player in an unprovoked and aggressive manner.”

ERSP: “How so? Were you watching a completely different game to me? McGregor was just tidying things up”.

Random Commentator: “What are you talking about? He went after his opponent with a scythe. A great big scythe.”

ERSP: “I think you will find it was a little scythe. Barely a scythe at all. There was barely any contact and the Compliance Officer was right to dismiss this ludicrous bleating and concentrate on more important matters such as why Rangers* weren’t awarded a goal for old time’s sake. Or something.”

Random Commentator: “‘Barely a scythe?!’ How can you say that?! He chopped off the head of the opposition player. In the penalty area! That is the very definition of a foul!”

ERSP: “Nonsense. There was no intent there. Unless you refer to McGregor’s intent to keep the grass at a reasonable length in his penalty area. He certainly intended to to do that. And let’s face it, goalkeepers are always fixing the grass in their area – replacing divots for example.”

Random Commentator: “‘FFS he only severed the player’s head on the seventh swing! And after all the other players had surrounded him and started screaming ‘put the f*cking scythe down, you are going to kill him'”.

ERSP: “I don’t think the footage shows that.”

Random Commentator: “It shows his head bouncing off the pitch and being used at a throw-in…”

ERSP: “This is just jealous hysteria.”

Random Commentator: “So what level of on-pitch contact by a Rangers* player would you view as actually worthy of punishment? How ridiculous have things now got?” 

Presenter: “Aaaaand that’s all we’ve got time for. So there you have it folks. Justice rightly prevails for a Rangers* player who just wanted to ensure a level playing field. With his scythe. Tune in tomorrow to hear our pundits discuss how nuclear warfare offers Rangers* hope of toppling Celtic…”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of fun, and cold turkey is really boring.