Media, Satire

Having Rangers’ Sh*t On Your Doorstep

Good Evening.

The Clumpany loves a bit of gossip about the Scottish sports media’s finest.

Here is a completely made up bit of ‘news’ which reached me from a contact at the Level Gutter agency.

Apparently the journalist in question has been having a bit of trouble with a neighbour’s dog. The neighbour is a Sevco fan and has a dog called ‘Rangers’. The neighbour says that it’s the same dog as the one which sadly passed away in 2012, but that’s not central to this particular blog.

The dog is – frankly – a bit hostile to everything, and not widely-liked in the neighbourhood, but it’s owner loves him.

Unfortunately, like it’s ‘same’ predecessor, it has a terrible habit of coming to the journalist’s house and sh*tting all over the doorstep.

Pretty much every day the hapless journalist steps outside, believing that everything will be OK after a previous unfortunate incident that is best forgotten… and then SQUELCH! The journalist treads in Rangers’ sh*t!

All day people catch a whiff of something that the journalist really ought to do something about. But no matter how many times it is pointed out to them they just carry on regardless, get up the following day and SQUELCH! The same things happens again.

Now, you might think that the journalist ought to deal with the issue of Rangers’ unrelenting defecation on their patch. But no. Apparently they have far more important matters to shout about!

Instead of advocating a cleansing of Rangers’ sh*t, they get strangely worked up about a cat sh*tting on a doorstep in a completely different neighbourhood, and a pigeon crapping in a foreign country.

Indeed they are often heard exclaiming that “It’s disgraceful that no one is cleaning up that mess and making sure it can never happen again”.

But for some unknown reason, Rangers’ sh*t is of absolutely no interest to them! Despite it actually sticking to their shoe every day.

Why on Earth could that be?

Let’s just hope that our canine friend ‘Rangers’ doesn’t come back to bite the journalist on the arse!

Woof woof!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Satire, Sevco, SFA

Beheading For Sevco!

Good Evening.

Surely The Clumpany will hear this on the radio in the not-too-distant future?!

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Presenter: “And joining us in the studio to discuss Allan McGregor’s ludicrous non-brush with the authorities are a completely sensible ex-Rangers player and some random commentator who we are having to entertain under sufferance. Let me first turn to you ex-Rangers star. Do you agree that the Compliance Officer is right not to seek sanctions against our pal Allan McGregor?”

Ex Rangers (or Sevco) player (ERSP): “Allan did absolutely nothing wrong! He was just looking after his goal. There is no reason to haul him before the SFA beaks. Even though I agree with those who say that comparing SFA folk with parts of a duck is silly”.

Random Commentator: “Well that’s an interesting point of view. But let’s be honest, Allan McGregor attacked an opposition player in an unprovoked and aggressive manner.”

ERSP: “How so? Were you watching a completely different game to me? McGregor was just tidying things up”.

Random Commentator: “What are you talking about? He went after his opponent with a scythe. A great big scythe.”

ERSP: “I think you will find it was a little scythe. Barely a scythe at all. There was barely any contact and the Compliance Officer was right to dismiss this ludicrous bleating and concentrate on more important matters such as why Rangers* weren’t awarded a goal for old time’s sake. Or something.”

Random Commentator: “‘Barely a scythe?!’ How can you say that?! He chopped off the head of the opposition player. In the penalty area! That is the very definition of a foul!”

ERSP: “Nonsense. There was no intent there. Unless you refer to McGregor’s intent to keep the grass at a reasonable length in his penalty area. He certainly intended to to do that. And let’s face it, goalkeepers are always fixing the grass in their area – replacing divots for example.”

Random Commentator: “‘FFS he only severed the player’s head on the seventh swing! And after all the other players had surrounded him and started screaming ‘put the f*cking scythe down, you are going to kill him'”.

ERSP: “I don’t think the footage shows that.”

Random Commentator: “It shows his head bouncing off the pitch and being used at a throw-in…”

ERSP: “This is just jealous hysteria.”

Random Commentator: “So what level of on-pitch contact by a Rangers* player would you view as actually worthy of punishment? How ridiculous have things now got?” 

Presenter: “Aaaaand that’s all we’ve got time for. So there you have it folks. Justice rightly prevails for a Rangers* player who just wanted to ensure a level playing field. With his scythe. Tune in tomorrow to hear our pundits discuss how nuclear warfare offers Rangers* hope of toppling Celtic…”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of fun, and cold turkey is really boring.

Media, Satire, Sevco

Sevco’s Medieval Approach

Siege

Good Evening.

Probably not appearing in any attempted newspapers…

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We are a building a fortress here says Arfield 

The Rangers* midfielder saw encouraging signs of fortification during the Light Blues’ truly magnificent 6-0 friendly victory against English high-fliers Bury.

By A. Motte-Bailey

Scott Arfield last night insisted that the Gers’* stylish humiliation of the Shakers was the beginning of something special at Ibrox, and any domestic or Europa League raiders can expect to face intimidation and harsh resistance should they have ambitions of conquering Steven Gerrard’s side.

“You could see it taking shape even before the game” said Arfield.

“Loads of the fans digging a moat around the ground and pissing in it to fill it up. There will be a drawbridge going in over the next few days, and it will be lifted to stop opposition teams getting in. Apparently some local businesses have donated old shelves to make it. It’s an absolutely top class gesture and shows what this club* is all about.”

But the external fortifications are not the only obstacle visiting sides can expect to encounter at Ibrox this season.

“We are going to have archers standing on the roof to fend off anyone who makes it across the moat. I say ‘archers’ but it’s actually the local darts team. They share a set of darts so there are only actually three to throw. But this is a well organised defence that will take no prisoners! That’s what the manager wants and everyone is working hard to make it happen.”

Arfield also confirmed that should anyone evade the archers, a grisly fate awaits them.

“You’ve read about how they used to pour hot tar down on enemies trying to climb the walls? Well, the coaching staff have asked a cafe if they can borrow a hot cup of tea to throw down on the opposition. We couldn’t scrape together the cash to buy it, but thankfully the cafe has said it’s no bother. We just need to call them and the tea is ours. Shipped over from their urn in Belfast. They reckon they could get it to us within a few hours.”

Finally, the former Falkirk and Burnley hero sounded a warning about the Rangers* squad’s long-term commitment to seeing off challenges, no matter where they come from.

“The board wants us to adopt a siege mentality. So the water supply will be cut off and we will have to make what food we have last until the end of May. Unless we decide to eat fringe players who can’t get a game.

“And apparently anyone who complains about it being a cost-cutting exercise may find themselves facing the anger of the Ogre. I think it works as a trainer in the gym or something”.

>>>>>
Meanwhile…

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…
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Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

His Big Mikeness Strikes Again

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has greatly enjoyed the MSM’s coverage of His Big Mikeness’s latest legal manoeuvrings, which threaten to hinder sales of Sevco merchandise. Merchandise which includes the pile of slightly adapted generic kits that Hummel possibly never expected to sell in the first place until Dave King chapped on their door.

My main source of amusement has been the way that the Scottish football MSM has maintained a po-faced demeanour suggesting that they were bringing a new story to the punters when the simple fact of the matter was that they were only telling us what we already knew.

This seems to happen quite often and makes you wonder whether the MSM is still locked into a mindset that only THEY break real news, and ‘folk on the Internet’ such as Phil Mac Giolla Bhain and the wider Bampot community don’t.

You get the impression that the social media brigades could have all the training, track records, sources and NUJ cards in the world and yet it still wouldn’t count in the eyes of those working for ‘Proper News Organisations’. Whatever they are.

I don’t suggest that these were the exact thoughts that ran through the minds of those in the outlets which reported on Ashley’s latest move many hours after Phil had put the story out there and the online community had looked at some points of detail. I am sure that these folk are doing their jobs in good faith.

However, the whole spectacle, and the mocking reaction of a lot of people on social media speaks volumes about the state of the ‘traditional’ coverage of the often-pantomime that is Scottish football.

There is a real thirst out there for timely information about significant developments, and for some decent, thought-provoking analysis. Phil delivered it yesterday, and so-called ‘Bampots’ quickly waded in. It was fascinating and engaging stuff.

Frankly, someone from a mainstream outlet popping up online the following day and saying that a story about it would follow soon doesn’t cut the mustard. Especially when that story turns out to be little more than the bare bones of what we already knew.

I don’t want to do a hatchet job on anyone over this, but I do want to point out that the exasperation and mockery that has been expressed over the mainstream coverage of the latest Ashley/Sevco litigation seems to be entirely appropriate. Not least because it so clearly illustrates the continuing and possibly ultimately fatal shortcomings of the ‘old ways’ of covering Scottish football.

We deserve better.

#KeepOnClumping

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Media, Satire, Sevco

Giving F*ck All To Sevco

3cc5a058-8b5d-459c-965f-504c158f3417-273-00000039010d07e7

Good Evening.

Not appearing in an attempted newspaper any time soon…

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New Signing Says “F*ck That”

The Ibrox outfit’s latest signing is determined to crush Celtic in his own unique way.

By A. Shite-Peddler

Rangers’’* newest recruit has promised to destroy their Old Firm* rivals by treating the fans to a truly astonishing display.

The player – who asked not to be named as he felt any association with our output would embarrass his family for countless generations to come – said that he had something truly special in store.

“I literally give zero fucks about who I am playing for” revealed the starlet whose agent couldn’t be arsed to provide further details when we asked him to help us fill column inches.

“If I am really honest, I plan to make a complete arse if it and be marooned on the subs’ bench for the rest of eternity.

“You’ve heard all the cliches about players wanting to prove themselves and welcoming the ‘step up’ to this ‘massive club’?

“Well I don’t do cliches. And if I don’t get a game and fail to add to the pretence of the club’s* history in a way that pleases its PR operation, I couldn’t care less.

“Ideally my preference would be to score a load of own goals. Great big blasts into the centre of the Rangers* goal having first taken out the keeper with my shoulder-carried rocket launcher.

“Failing that, I’m happy to play in any position and wave the opposition lads on as they steam past and knock ten goals in.

“I’m just done with this pantomime of turning up at a new club and being determined to do a good job, only for the local media to make out that I am going to do something extraordinary for them.

“Reading them, you would think that I am going to become a ballerina and literally  dance the ball into the opposition net.

“That simply isn’t going to happen. No matter how deluded the local media is.

“So let me state on the record once and for all… If I could sit on a deck chair while Rangers’* opponents stroked the ball around me. And if I could then see them take a wee break and order some whisky at the club’s* expense and savour it before scoring an embarrassing amount of goals against the Light Blues, I would be good with that.

“It’s only football FFS! And it would be a shocking state of affairs if we were locked into a perpetual cycle of uttering platitudes to give the mainstream media something easy to feed off.

“Wouldn’t it?”

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Sunday Newspapers Need To Move To A Different Day

Good Evening

Not appearing in a Sunday newspaper any time soon. 😉

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The Sunday Newspapers Love Being Published On A Sunday But Need To Move To Fulfil Their Potential

The Clumpany reckons that the Scottish Sunday papers would love to stick around in their ‘second half of the weekend’ slot, but deep down they know that they need to test themselves elsewhere.

By T. Clumpany

The Clumpany has long felt that while they might be well-established and comfortable in their traditional slot, the Sunday papers were always likely to have to contemplate a move that would take them out of their comfort zone.

I would like to make it clear that I do not subscribe to the view of my good pal Alan (who I still haven’t seen in ages) that the entire mainstream media should just “piss off into oblivion”. That seems an unnecessarily harsh perspective (and no, I don’t say that because I think they should f*ck off to oblivion instead. 😉).

No, I feel confident that Scotland’s Sunday papers still have a contribution to make towards our understanding of world events and the sport we love. However, I have no doubt that those responsible for them know deep down that they are ready for a fresh challenge.

It is perhaps unfortunate for them that the challenge may have come knocking on their door sooner than they expected. Or, to be more precise, knocking and then dragging them out of the house before bundling them into the back of a van. But there is no accounting for events overtaking you.

So the choice now facing the Scottish Sunday papers is whether to cling on to the same old routine and an all-too-familiar environment like a house guest who has so far outstayed their welcome that you don’t know whether to call them a taxi or a hearse. Or to instead make a bold move and seize an exciting new opportunity.

The Clumpany can now exclusively reveal that the Scottish Sunday papers are about to be offered a move to a different day, courtesy of the generosity of the Bampot Community. The fine details of the offer are yet to be hammered out but The Clumpany feels sure that these papers will end up much better appreciated if they take up the challenge.

The day on offer is the 29th February, and to sweeten the deal the Bampot Community accepts that the papers could still be published when it falls on a Sunday. With 100 years’ notice.

Oh yes, and that’s the 29th February on (or up?) Uranus.

What’s it to be lads? Wasting away where you are in Scottish Sundays, or going for something more challenging?

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Don’t Mention The Bus

Shhh. You haven’t seen this…

Don’t.

Just don’t, OK.

Do not mention any buses.

There is no need for a bus, but if there was, there would be a bus available. You can be absolutely certain about that.

People can get very upset about buses.

Fortunately, it is possible to do things in a bus-free way and avoid any unnecessary bus-related anxiety or public displays of irritation.

In such circumstances you can dispense with having a bus to do things that might ordinarily involve a bus.

You can be gloriously bus free, and enjoy a walk or a ride on a non-bus mode of transport.

Like a buggie, a pogo stick, or a scooter. Those things are definitely not buses.

Other non-bus options might include a rocket. Perhaps a complete and utter rocket. Who knows?

If you felt like relying on nature you would not use a bus, and might instead await a particularly strong gust of wind to get you from A to B.

Or you could hope to be propelled by a sudden earthquake. Now that really would be a lively means of non-bus transportation!

Failing that, you could perhaps hope to be propelled along by the force of a person’s sharp wit and insightful commentary. OK in the case of some people you might then end up waiting a bloody long time to be moved, but at least there would be no bus involved and no need for one.

Whatever your choice, it is important not to mention buses.

Do not discuss buses in any way shape or form. All is well with the world when it comes to buses, and no good can come of talking about them.

So please do not mention buses.

I for one would certainly never dream of doing so.

>>>>>>

Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of bus…