Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Guest Blog: Dobbin The Horse Discusses Alex Rae

Neigh.

Hang on a minute. Is this translator device working now.?

Neigh!

No, it’s nae working. Or do I mean neigh working?

Ah, maybe it IS working now. Let’s see if I can get this written before the translator breaks down. I guess I’ll just have to write this on the hoof…

F*cking hell it’s hard being a horse. Especially when you get donkeys muscling on in on your territory.

Anyway. Alex Rae. Veteran of an inexplicable number of media outlets, and always seemingly happy to play the role of the world’s only pantomime horse where both ends are an arse. 😉 What’s he like? No one is going to mistake him for a STABLE genius like Donald Trump are they, that’s for sure…

Apparently he said something today about how if the Champion Hurdle was run over the length of his EBT documentation and everyone fell over before the end, there wouldn’t be enough bodies left lying there to cover up the full scale of the cash that could have gone to public services if only dead Rangers had paid a proper share of taxes like everyone else.

Because of Celtic.

Or something.

To be fair, he has a point. I know this because – as a horse – I know manure when I see it. Although if one of my equine pals produced horsesh*t quite like Mr Rae I’d be telling them to get themselves down to the vet pretty sharpish to have themselves checked out.

Anyway, on to football, as I hear Mr Rae likes to talk about it. On behalf of the horse community I would just like to say neigh! No really. I want to say ‘neigh’. I’ll turn the translator off for that bit or it might get confused and I’ll end up apparently saying some random nonsense like “I can’t see past Rangers* for the title this season”. And no one wants to appear like that much of an idiot in a public forum do they?

As I was saying, I say NEIGH to Alex Rae. I don’t know what he thought he had been watching when he made his comments today, but I can definitively state that no horses have been involved in Scottish football this season. Especially falling ones. Mr Morelos may go down in the box like an attention seeking imposter at the Spanish Riding School, and he may appear to have been eating like a horse of late, but he definitely ISN’T an actual horse.

Some people might say that Mr Rae was making a highly partisan point about stopping Celtic from winning the league because he doesn’t like them and would love to see their march to nine and possibly ten in a row stopped at any cost. But I say that this suggestion can’t possibly be entirely true. Mr Rae doesn’t even know Ann let alone go to any of her parties. 😉

Mr Rae may want to see Celtic deprived of a title through some sort of… err… horseplay however.

On behalf of the entire horse community I would like to conclude by inviting Mr Rae to stick to things he knows about. However I suspect that this suggestion might end up with him wandering round aimlessly with a tube of unused superglue in his hand.😉

So I will simply sign off by saying the following. Hey Rae. Neigh!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun at the expense of the circus that is Scottish football…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Patronising Michael Stewart

A STATEMENT ON MICHAEL STEWART

Following a complaint from our magnificent benefactor His Grace James Duke of Traynor about an absolutely disgusting foul mouthed tirade, the Headmaster has had a jolly stern word with Michael Stewart and explained in words of one syllable that it is not nice to disrespect your betters.

A clip round the ear was duly administered to the young upstart and Master Stewart has been sent out to pick up litter in the playground for as long as the Headmaster deems proper.

We always applaud our pupils for having their own ideas as long as they are the school’s ideas, and we encourage creativity as long as it has been faxed over from the offices of His Grace James Duke of Traynor. But Master Stewart has behaved in an uppity manner unbecoming of a pupil of this school and it simply won’t do.

Master Stewart agrees with what we say, and will continue to do so when he actually sees what we have said. On that basis, Master Stewart will one day be welcome to join the Headmaster and other pupils in the Sir Walter of Cardigan Sporting Integrity Common Room for lemonade and a special showing of the ‘Rangers: 9-In-A-Row’ Betamax video, which has been provided at the expense of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs.

Provided that he remains silent at all times.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Return Of Michael Stewart

Michael Stewart In Shock Return To Airwaves

BBC bosses have engineered a ‘dramatic breakthrough’ which will see the outspoken pundit return to Sportsound later this week.

By I. That’s-Likely

Controversial raving rant-meister Michael Stewart is set to return to the scene of his epic tirade against Jim Traynor following talks between possibly everyone involved other than Michael Stewart, and BBC bosses hope it will herald the dawn of a new golden era for their flagship radio sports programme

Following reports that Stewart would only be allowed back on air once the BBC could guarantee he wouldn’t repeat his vicious vileness, it is now understood that the Corporation’s top brass have come up with a plan so foolproof that there is only a 98% chance of Sportsound messing it up.

Our insider has been told that the BBC has decided to draw a cunning distinction between a pundit being ‘on’ Sportsound and them actually being in the studio or anywhere near an actual microphone.

“It’s brilliant” said our source. “Whatever you think about Stewart, he’s a loss to the programme. So the BBC can’t let this situation carry on any longer. But they can’t risk a repeat of upsetting anyone at Ibrox. You should see the messages they got from the fans after the last time. Not a single coherent sentence among them. Especially the emails that bypassed traditional electronic means of dissemination and were attached to rocks.

“So a compromise has been struck. Or was it my head by one of those rocks?”

Pressed for details of the BBC’s plans the insider shared some tantalising exclusive details

“The BBC will announce that Michael Stewart is coming back following a ‘dramatic breakthrough’ and then on the night of the first show the presenter will say ‘Welcome to the show. Michael Stewart is with us tonight’…. and that will be it.

“Of course no one will specify the sense in which Stewart is actually ‘with’ Sportsound. It could be ‘in spirit’ or ‘with us in our thoughts’. No one will be telling a lie but no one will be broadcasting Michael Stewart to the nation that’s for sure!”

Asked for a comment in order to make this article long enough, a former Celtic player you had forgotten about remarked “Michael Stewart? No he wouldn’t get in the Rangers* team just now. They’ve the best squad in the Galaxy. And in the Twix too. You can see why they are outgunning Celtic at every turn.”

Michael Stewart was unavailable for comment, which could well suit the BBC.

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#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…


Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The World’s Most Ludicrous Bridge

The World’s Most Ludicrous Bridge

Experts have today slammed an “absolutely ridiculous” scheme to build the world’s longest bridge.

By A. Fantasy-Crossing

An attempt to construct a link between two distant places has been blasted by almost everyone who has heard about it. Plans for the bridge emerged in the media this morning, and sparked widespread incredulity and questions about sanity and value for money.

Efforts to deliver the ambitious link are still at an early stage, but those responsible are optimistic.

“People might be sceptical, but we can do this!” said the project leader. “We are proud of our work and are not afraid to tell everyone! Bring on the bridge!”

Others however were unimpressed. “What the hell is this crap?” said one member of the public when told of the scheme. “What a waste of time, effort and cash.”

“Haven’t they got anything better to do?” said another. “We need this Fantasy Island stuff like a hole in the head. I for one don’t believe any serious person would ever want to cross that bridge.”

But the project leader remained undeterred. “I don’t care what the naysayers think. This bridge is necessary and I am sure everyone will believe in it if they can just put aside their prejudice and listen to what I have to say.”

No completion date has been announced for the bridge, which will attempt to cross the yawning chasm between what happened in 2012 and what some of those involved now claim occurred. To be known as ‘The Scottish Sports Media/ Craig Whyte Revisionism Bridge’, thousands of Sevcopath experts have put good money on the crossing failing on the basis that “it seems like an intelligence-insulting pile of sh*te”.

Meanwhile, there was also something in the news today about a bridge between Scotland and Northern Ireland.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Reasons Not To Support Your Colleagues In The Media

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany’s ethereal ears have been ringing from the silence of many of Michael Stewart’s media colleagues in backing him following his (temporary?) removal from the [*cough*] prestigious gig that is Sportsound.

Here are some of the best excuses I may have seen, heard or invented from the Poundshop press pack: 😉

  • “‘Michael’ who?”
  • ‘”Stewart’, who”
  • “Is Stewart Michael any relation to George? Loved his songs! ‘Club Tropicana’ was inspired by David Murray’s parties you know. No I don’t have proof of that. Why would I need proof for anything I say?”
  • “Michael Stewart should just ask for his money back if his Gym Trainer is giving him problems. No one wants to hear about it on the radio.”
  • “No one backed me that time I bought a coffee from the canteen and it was cold.”
  • “Don’t talk to me about ‘media controversy’. I once emailed Queen Victoria and she never replied. Not even an out of office notification. I was devastated and I got absolutely no support from my so-called colleagues.”
  • Some irrelevant pish about ‘Bloggers’.
  • “It’s all about opinions”. As long as it’s the right sort of opinion, it seems.
  • “The Scottish sports media has never been influenced by Rangers’* PR operation. That’s what you wanted me to say isn’t it Jim? Let me know if you need anything else.”
  • Random inflammatory mention of “Irish Irishman Phil MacChipOnHisShoulder.”
  • “We are only here to talk about the football. And the value of Morelos. Did you know there has been £100m interest in Morelos from the top team on Neptune?”.
  • “I don’t speak Spanish OR English. I’ve no view on the so-called ‘Translategate'”.
  • “Ach it’s all just Old Firm* knockabout stuff.”
  • Incoherent babble about “someone having to defend Rangers*”.
  • “Can we get a nine-in-a-row Rangers legend on to replace Michael Stewart?”
  • “Welcome to day 600 of our ‘Leigh Griffiths should be dismembered for his dirty play’ debate.”
  • “Celtic fans aren’t blameless in all this [unspecific asserted bullsh*t]. They need to take a long hard look at the shame they have brought on the game. The SFA must step in and fire them into space with a big cannon.”

Etc.

Keep across the Scottish sports media next week for more monumental spinelessness.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Alan’s Adventures, Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Clue-doh!

Cluedo

Good Evening.

The Clumpany had a call from my pal Alan earlier today. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages… He had just been out shopping and wanted to tell me about a ‘scene’ he’d seen unfolding in a Glasgow toy shop involving one of the Scottish press pack’s finest and an unfortunate shop assistant…

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Journalist: “Hi. I’ve come for a refund. I’ve got a faulty product.”

Shop Assistant: “What appears to be the problem, Sir?”

Journalist: “I’ve just told you. I got something a while back and it doesn’t work properly. I want my money back, please.”

Shop Assistant: “OK Sir. Have you got the receipt?”

Journalist: “No. I bought it in 2012, or was it 1872? I can never tell the difference. You don’t expect me to keep a receipt that long do you? Anyway, the main point is that I only just got round to playing with it, and I can’t believe that the first time it was out of the  box it was broken. I need a refund and I need it now.”

Shop Assistant: “Well Sir, it will be difficult to offer a refund after all this time without a receipt. Still, you are a Scottish football journalist so maybe you’ll think that people being left out of pocket through no fault of their own is no biggie. In fact it’s probably best left not mentioned ever again. I am sure I read that in a newspaper. Or did I hear it on the radio? Who knows.”

Journalist: “Are you trying to be clever?”

Shop Assistant: “Of course not Sir. I’m just saying that we may not be able to help you without a receipt, and you may have to accept that.”

Journalist: “Look. Let me tell you about this disgraceful shoddy thing I bought. I am sure you will agree there is no excuse for not giving me a refund.”

Shop Assistant: “OK Sir. What is the problem?”

Journalist: “It’s this bloody board game ‘Cluedo’. It doesn’t work.” [*Opens box and empties contents on to counter*]

Shop Assistant: [*Rummaging through the items*] “Are you sure, Sir? I know ‘Cluedo’ very well. I’ve played it ever since I was little and now my kids love it. And I can tell you with absolute confidence that everything that is supposed to be in the box is present and correct. You Sir are the owner of ‘Cluedo’ perfection.”

Journalist: “What are you talking about? It’s faulty.”

Shop Assistant: “Is the problem perhaps that you misunderstood the rules?”

Journalist: “Look, I’m not an idiot. [*Pauses*] Did you just roll your eyes?”

Shop Assistant: “Absolutely not, Sir.”

Journalist: “Good. I’m not an idiot and I know fine well that in ‘Cluedo’ you have to identify the perpetrator of the crime, the crime scene, and the weapon that was used.”

Shop Assistant: “Congratulations, Sir.”

Journalist: “Look, I don’t like your attitude. Don’t you know who I am?”

Shop Assistant: “I certainly do Sir, and I am being appropriately respectful.”

Journalist: “Oh. Good. I think…”

Shop Assistant: “So the board game has all the pieces it should, and you know all the rules. I am still struggling to see the problem.”

Journalist: “OK let me explain to you what happened when me and my journalist pals tried to play this so-called ‘game’ over a few beers.”

Shop Assistant: “Please do.”

Journalist: “Aye. Well we were having a quiet one with pizza and a couple of cases of beer. And someone spotted ‘Cluedo’ on the shelf…”

Shop Assistant: “Did anyone do the ‘I would have expected you to be ‘Clue-less’ joke, Sir?”

Journalist: “You’re doing it again aren’t you?”

Shop Assistant: “Of course not, Sir. ‘Politeness’ is my middle name. Well one of my middle names. The other one is ‘Gullible’.”

Journalist: “Really?! That’s amazing! I bet most people don’t believe that when you tell them. But I think it’s brilliant. Really unusual!”

Shop Assistant: “Dear God. Someone shoot me now… Sorry Sir, I interrupted your story about the faulty ‘Cluedo’.”

Journalist: “Yes, well. I got the game off the shelf and set it up. We were about to start when the other three journalists all shouted out ‘I know! I know whodunnit! It was the Celtic fan, in Alfredo Morelos’s car park, with the wire cutters’. I don’t mind telling you I was p*ssed off because I was going to guess that too. They beat me to it.”

Shop Assistant: “I still don’t see how the game is faulty, Sir.”

Journalist: “I haven’t got to that bit yet. I’m just setting the scene,”

Shop Assistant: “I see… Do carry on. Only can you please hurry up because the queue for the tills is now stretching down the street…”

Journalist: “What like when Rangers* season tickets go on sale at Ibrox?”

Shop Assistant: “No Sir. Not like that. I can definitely see this queue of real people.. Can you get to the point please?”

Journalist: “Fine. I will. No the real problem wasn’t that the lads guessed before me. The problem was that when we looked at the cards it said that Professor Plum had done it, with the candlestick, in the library.”

Shop Assistant: “Yes that sounds plausible…”

Journalist: “What do you mean? We looked through the rest of the ‘Cluedo’ cards of all the people who could possibly be responsible for crimes in Cluedo and not one of them was a Celtic fan. There was a Reverend Green, but he’ll not be a Celtic fan. Father Green, yes, probably. But not Reverend Green. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a staunch friend of the Rangers* directors. Anyway, what sort of crime-based board game doesn’t pin the blame on Celtic fans? Me and my journalist pals aren’t used to having to discount various possibilities and weigh up the evidence and probabilities before making a reasoned judgement. ‘Where there’s crime, there’s a Celtic line’ – that should be our motto! We can’t be doing with not skipping straight to deciding that a Celtic fan must have done wrong. This board game is clearly faulty and I WANT MY MONEY BACK NOW.”

Shop Assistant: [*Long astonished silence*] “Are you for real, Sir?”

Journalist: “No. I’m for the Rangers*”

Shop Assistant: “So you definitely aren’t for anything real then…”

Journalist: “Look, I’ve had enough of your rudeness. Are you going to give me my money back?”

Shop Assistant: “No.”

Journalist: “Get me the manager.”

Shop Assistant: “Very well, Sir. [*Presses button for shop speakers*] “Tills calling the manager. Tills calling the manager. Can Miss Scarlett please come to the tills to speak with a customer…?”

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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Media, Satire, Sevco

Like Playing Against Ronnie Barker

Good Evening.

Possibly not appearing in an attempted newspaper near you any time soon…

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Rangers* winger ‘plays like Ronnie Barker’ says Liverpool star Trent Alexander-Arnold

The right-back said former Man City youngster Brandon Barker is one of the toughest players he’s come up against, and compared him to his Two Ronnies namesake.

By Gerald Wylie

The rise of Trent Alexander-Arnold has been astronomical as he’s gone from the Liverpool academy to being used as a mouthpiece for Sevco fodder in the Scottish sports media, faster than you can say ‘nae luck Trent’.

The local lad from Merseyside doesn’t seem fazed by anything that comes his way. Although when we say ‘anything’ we mean in relation to football. We don’t honestly know whether he’s encountered a great white shark in his bath, or had a night out ruined by alien abduction, for example. But from a footballing perspective we are pretty confident that he doesn’t generally seem fazed.

He’s faced the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar and Leo Messi, but one of the most difficult players he’s came up against is genuinely going to leave you thinking that we are trying to insult the intelligence of our remaining reader.

Brandon Barker. No really. Brandon Barker.

The Rangerssummer signing left the English international in stitches in an U21s match between Liverpool and Barker’s former employers Manchester City in 2016.

But the stitches weren’t the result of a bruising encounter. Alexander-Arnold’s sides split from laughing in a way that reminded him of the hilarity he’d experienced watching comedy legend Ronnie Barker on a minor TV channel one evening.

City won the game 3-0 and Brandon Barker put in a fine performance, setting up laughs a plenty.

Alexander-Arnold recalled that day, admitting that the former Hibs loanee was “unbelievable – a real card”, and it turned out to be a real laughing curve for the 20-year-old.

He told website comedy-gold.sevco: “That’s probably one of the hardest and funniest games I’ve had. 

“It was one of the first times I’d played right-back. I was taking it really seriously and trying to keep my focus. But I was up against an unbelievable comedian in Brandon Barker. His football was so funny and his pace so lacking, it was like Ronnie Barker was on the pitch. He definitely seemed to have Porridge in his boots.

“If I’m honest it brings back bad memories for me. I had a terrible game because I was p*ssing myself laughing all the time. But I tried to make the best of it, and as a little tribute to Barker’s performance in the game I replaced the corner flags with four candles after the gaffer substituted me. I was dropped for the next game but it was worth it.

“I’ve been told Barker is a great prospect. Aye right. Or – as I like to say having seen him play – ‘Arkwright’.”

The winger will be hoping to stake his claim in Steven Gerrard ‘s side, especially with the news that Ryan Kent will miss some time having been attacked by the Phantom Raspberry Blower in the latest ‘hot air and bad smell’ incident to bedevil the Ibrox club.

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Meanwhile…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of surreal fun…