Media, Satire, Sevco

Like Playing Against Ronnie Barker

Good Evening.

Possibly not appearing in an attempted newspaper near you any time soon…


Rangers* winger ‘plays like Ronnie Barker’ says Liverpool star Trent Alexander-Arnold

The right-back said former Man City youngster Brandon Barker is one of the toughest players he’s come up against, and compared him to his Two Ronnies namesake.

By Gerald Wylie

The rise of Trent Alexander-Arnold has been astronomical as he’s gone from the Liverpool academy to being used as a mouthpiece for Sevco fodder in the Scottish sports media, faster than you can say ‘nae luck Trent’.

The local lad from Merseyside doesn’t seem fazed by anything that comes his way. Although when we say ‘anything’ we mean in relation to football. We don’t honestly know whether he’s encountered a great white shark in his bath, or had a night out ruined by alien abduction, for example. But from a footballing perspective we are pretty confident that he doesn’t generally seem fazed.

He’s faced the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar and Leo Messi, but one of the most difficult players he’s came up against is genuinely going to leave you thinking that we are trying to insult the intelligence of our remaining reader.

Brandon Barker. No really. Brandon Barker.

The Rangerssummer signing left the English international in stitches in an U21s match between Liverpool and Barker’s former employers Manchester City in 2016.

But the stitches weren’t the result of a bruising encounter. Alexander-Arnold’s sides split from laughing in a way that reminded him of the hilarity he’d experienced watching comedy legend Ronnie Barker on a minor TV channel one evening.

City won the game 3-0 and Brandon Barker put in a fine performance, setting up laughs a plenty.

Alexander-Arnold recalled that day, admitting that the former Hibs loanee was “unbelievable – a real card”, and it turned out to be a real laughing curve for the 20-year-old.

He told website comedy-gold.sevco: “That’s probably one of the hardest and funniest games I’ve had. 

“It was one of the first times I’d played right-back. I was taking it really seriously and trying to keep my focus. But I was up against an unbelievable comedian in Brandon Barker. His football was so funny and his pace so lacking, it was like Ronnie Barker was on the pitch. He definitely seemed to have Porridge in his boots.

“If I’m honest it brings back bad memories for me. I had a terrible game because I was p*ssing myself laughing all the time. But I tried to make the best of it, and as a little tribute to Barker’s performance in the game I replaced the corner flags with four candles after the gaffer substituted me. I was dropped for the next game but it was worth it.

“I’ve been told Barker is a great prospect. Aye right. Or – as I like to say having seen him play – ‘Arkwright’.”

The winger will be hoping to stake his claim in Steven Gerrard ‘s side, especially with the news that Ryan Kent will miss some time having been attacked by the Phantom Raspberry Blower in the latest ‘hot air and bad smell’ incident to bedevil the Ibrox club.




NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of surreal fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

No Player Misunderstandings At Sevco

Good Evening.

For what it’s worth, this is the 1,000th Clumpany blog. This link will take you to number 1

The following won’t appear in any attempted newspaper near you anytime soon… 😉


The Sheyi Ojo-Ryan Kent Rangers* mystical connect that Liverpool loanee reckons can tear-up Premiership like an old fashioned telephone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show

Ojo is delighted to have his old Anfield mate alongside him at Ibrox, and hopes that their almost magical link can spur them on to top flight glory, although he still wonders where Harry and Matthew Corbett are these days.

By Scoff. Asmuchasyou-Like

Sheyi Ojo believes there’s a telepathy between him and Ryan Kent on the pitch. Or maybe some other word that the Scottish football media wants to deploy to unwitting comic effect.

And the Rangerswinger has said stuff that gives us a veneer of an excuse to assert that he KNEW (in capital letters, such was his asserted certainty) that his pal would end up back at Ibrox.

Even though others had written off a permanent move. The b*stards!

Now the Liverpool kids – who have played together in the Anfield youth team [Gasp! Shouldn’t this be front age news? – Ed] for the last five years – want to hit it off again for Steven Gerrard’s side. Preferably in his football team, but if it has to be his actual side, or his other side, or his front or back, they aren’t too choosy. They just want to hit it off. Whatever that means.

Kent finally arrived on a £7million* deal just before the transfer window closed – and no one is happier than his mate. Apart perhaps from Rangers* PR operation, which got a few squirrel-tastic headlines at an awkward moment.

Ojo is just on loan at Ibrox just like his pals the Close Brothers, but he can’t wait to team up with Kent and strike fear into Premiership defences. [Yes we did say ‘fear’. It’s our attempted newspaper and we will say what we like.]

Kent was injured yesterday in his comeback game against Livingston but Ojo hopes he’s back soon and is convinced their almost spiritual connection on the pitch can yield plenty of goals and assists. Or at least fuel the fantasies of People who will believe in any old crap.

The 22-year-old said: “Ryan was here last season, and everyone knows him. No matter how hard they may have tried to forget or have wondered whether he’s really the best Rangers* could do if they really wanted to spend even more money when they are already running up big losses.

“But I’ve seen a whiteboard showing him slotting right back into the squad. So it’s apparently great for us.

“Can we rip it up together like a phone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show like we did at Liverpool? That’s the aim.

“Harry and Matthew Corbett may sadly be long gone, but if it’s ‘glove puppet having a go at a thick book that even the lads on The World’s Strongest Man would have struggled with’ that you are looking for, I’ve played with Ryan since I was 16 so I feel pretty confident that he can deliver

“Ryan can only help our team and hopefully can help me score more for Rangers*. And if that doesn’t work out, Sweep has told me he’s prepared to squeak like a b*stard wearing a Rangers* scarf and squirrel outfit to gloss over things.

“I sort of knew the Kent move could happen. But there was stuff going on with Liverpool so I couldn’t say too much. You know, ‘stuff’. That thing which allows me to make a sound in the vague form of the English language and which allows you to appear knowledgable without any of us deploying any actual knowledge.


“It’s a real plus that he’s back here. People have been phoning me over the past few days to say that their calculator plus buttons have spontaneously pressed themselves down. It’s a sign. And not a negative one. Because that would mean the minus sign spontaneously being pressed down. And that hasn’t happened.

“Even this week in training, with him on the left and me on the right, whenever he’s on the ball I know what he’s going to do – and vice versa. I put it down to the entrails we both had read a few years ago.

“Back in 2012 we went to a fairground and the Fortune Teller said she had the entrails of dead Rangers in a box and could tell our futures from it. She said we would both be professional footballers and linked by a common bond of cliches and empty platitudes on an epic scale. She said that a mystic Traynor would show us the way when the time was right.

“So we both have a similar mindset. We want to spout upbeat cliches, get on the ball and go forward.

“That’s what the manager wants us to do, to create cliches, chances and score goals.

“Whether it’s me on the ball or Ryan, we have the same objectives to utter cliches, fill Rangers*-themed column inches and airtime, and affect the game.

“The better players you play with, the easier it should be to score or assist.

“Whenever Ryan is on the ball, I’ll adjust and make movements in behind him. Hopefully that will help us.

“Listen to what I have just said! Seriously! How uncanny was the Fortune Teller’s prediction about cliches and empty platitudes? It’s like a force on a higher Level has taken over my mind and is speaking for me!

“Wide players have to score more goals, look at Sadio Mane and Mo Salah at Liverpool. I mean look at them. Their very names have allowed me to shoehorn quality, high profile footballers into our conversation, and have also allowed you to quote me on it. Isn’t that absolutely brilliant for us? And for the cause of baseless upbeat Rangers* cliches?

“I’m still on loan from Liverpool but I hear the loans from Close Brothers are already making a very valuable contribution. So for me to get into the Rangers* team I need to be generating the sort of interest that they are. Goals and assists are one thing, but I am fully aware that APR counts for a lot at this club*.

“I need to be as direct as I can, and influence games up here. But apparently I am not allowed to wear an all black kit as apparently ‘there are already enough helpful influencers wearing that while they officiate the games’.

“So it seems you can only be direct and influence games with great players around you and Ryan coming in will only help with that. In the absence of actual great players.”

Ojo is desperate for Gers to hit top form again, especially after their Old Firm defeat prior to the international break, despite much of this sentence defying all logic after Rangers’ humiliating liquidation in 2012.

The 2-0 defeat at Ibrox didn’t exactly back up his claim in pre-season that Gerrard’s men were the best in Scotland.

But Ojo, in an excuse-offering gambit which fools no one, has revealed that he played with an injury during the derby after coming on as a sub.

He said: “There was such a negative feeling after that game. The sort of negativity that can only come from being found out as utterly shite despite the evidence-free pre-match hype.

“But having the international break was a blessing. Not least because after a pumping by Celtic anything that doesn’t involve a further pumping by Celtic is to be welcomed.

“The players had played so many games, so it was nice to refresh our minds and get back into playing our style of play. This week in training we’ve focused on that. It’s so much easier when you don’t have treble Treble winners refusing to accommodate your style.

“My first Old Firm experience wasn’t the best. I saw it on TV in 2012, Rangers were humiliated and then they died soon after.

“And then I was basically injured while I was playing for Rangers* against Celtic recently so it wasn’t a positive day at all.

“You want to play in the big games and help the team but I didn’t manage to do that. Thankfully, it has cleared up now.

“I’ll certainly be more prepared for the next game at Celtic Park. I am determined to use the phrase ‘Old Firm’ without fully showing that I know that my self respect has been sacrificed. The stakes could not be higher.

“I’ve been told that if I can deny liquidation without any obvious shame I could get a permanent job in the Scottish sports media after I retire.





NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun, and Scottish football remains gloriously bonkers…

Gerrard, Media, Satire, Sevco

Pure Jim-agination

[*Blows off ethereal cobwebs. Bangs ethereal phone on ethereal table*]

Bloody hell. This app still works.

Good Evening.

How about a little song to celebrate Sevco’s world-beating success during the international break?


Pure Jim-agination

Sevvies and the deluded.
Billy and Billie.
The Blue Room…
Stop your thoughts.
Drink the pish.
Count to 55.
Make believe
And you’ll be
In a world of pure Jim-agination
Take his word and you’ll see
Into your Jim-agination.
He’ll begin with sh*te spin
Ryan Kent’s the best in all creation
Yet his fee still defies explanation…
If you want to view epic sh*te
Simply read the Record, you will.
Any Shark you can Jump, do it.
Wanna mock their words?
There’s nothing to it.
There is no sh*te I know
To compare with pure Jim-agination.
Zombies there, they feel free
Hiding from… reality.
If you want to view epic sh*te
Simply read the Record, you will.
Any Shark you can Jump, do it.
Wanna mock their words?
There’s nothing to it.
There is no sh*te I know
To compare with pure Jim-agination.
Zombies there, they feel free
Hiding from… reality.
With apologies to songwriters Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse, here is the magnificent Gene Wilder’s version…


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

An Update From The Keeper Of Squirrels

Good Evening.

The Clumpany finds itself able to bring you some truly shocking wildlife news.

A man famous for being the nation’s foremost Keeper of Squirrels has been spotted undertaking some squirrel-based activity.

I know, amazing isn’t it?

The gentleman in question has a dignified track record of nurturing squirrels and releasing them into the wild just as soon as they are able to spray the surrounding area in jet-powered, squirrel-based effluent.

And today he really hasn’t held back. Normally the squirrels are allowed to do squirrel-type things in their squirrel-like way, while the Keeper Of Squirrels sits back and expects the squirrel-spotters of the Scottish mainstream squirrel media to report squirrel tidings as if there is no squirrel tomorrow.

But tonight the Keeper Of Squirrels has stunned squirrel-spotters everywhere by releasing himself into the wild! Quite what the other squirrels make of this remains to be seen.

We can be pretty certain that the Scottish mainstream squirrel media will simply carry the usual sort of squirrel-based news tomorrow.

However, tonight, veteran observers of the Keeper Of Squirrels have already been heard to say “f*ck me, it’s an unusually eye catching squirrel-based development for the Keeper Of Squirrels to come out into broad daylight and squirrel for the squirrelling delight of the squirrel-loving public. I wonder what’s going on?”.

Suggestions that veteran cynical observers of the Keeper of Squirrels could ‘smell a rat’ were initially greeted with delight by the Keeper Of Squirrels… until he realised that he hadn’t actually fooled them and that ‘smell a rat’ was just a figure of speech way more subtle than anything he had ever managed to write… 😉


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…



Media, Satire, Sevco

Stewart Robertson’s Four Point Plan To Improve Sportscene



I’m Stewart Robertson. I’m definitely not Jim Traynor. Nor are the words I am about to say his idea. No siree. In fact I’ve never heard of Jim Traynor and I’ve never been to the squirrel breeding laboratory this non-person hasn’t constructed at an… errr… secret location at No-Longer Murray Park.

I’m here to give you a few of my squirrels… small bushy-tailed creatures… err… ideas about how the BBC’s disgraceful flagship Rangers*-hating programme can be improved.

Because we… I mean I… believe we have the best fans in the world and they deserve better than to be subjected to the sort of footballing apartheid implemented on a weekly basis by Sportscene.

So here is my plan:

Point One: Send Chris McLaughlin to a desert island and never speak of him again.
Everyone knows that Rangers’* appalling treatment by the BBC stems from our perfectly reasonable refusal to let Mr McLaughlin into our ground after he…err… what was it? After he did something in… when was it? F*cking hell, that’s ages ago! Can’t we just move… oh yes, the script…

Yes, Rangers* took a stand over McLaughlin’s shameful ‘stuff wot he did’ and now the BBC doesn’t like it. I am sure if we can just drop Chris out of an aeroplane on to a desert island and forget he ever happened all might be well. We might even give him a parachute. OK, maybe half a parachute. Either way, I am sure he will be grateful for our legnedary generosity.

Point Two: Remove the guillotine from the studio.
It says here – and I obviously agree because these are my thoughts – that for too long the Sportscene presenter and pundits have got away with bringing an effigy of a Rangers* player into the studio with a light blue shirt, and a pumpkin for a head, and guillotining it for the so-called ‘entertainment’ of the viewing public. Enough is enough. None of our players looks like a pumpkin. They might have the positional sense and tactical nous of a pumpkin but that’s an entirely different matter.

Oh, and the guillotine has to go too. Why can’t they just give Rangers* a fair crack of the whip? But not an actual whip. Sportscene has been too violent towards Rangers* for far too long.

Point Three: Replace the presenters and pundits with robots.
Rangers’* top scientists have produced a trio of ‘JimboTraynortron 1872’ robots which will do a far better, and less Rangers*-hating job of presenting Scottish football than the current motley crew. Here they are:


Their extensive speech programming will enable them to analyse the sport in all the detail any reasonable viewer could wish, and extends to a full eight words:
“I fancy Rangers* to win the league this season”.

Point Four: Don’t show any SPFL Premiership football matches whatsoever.
Let’s be honest, they barely ever show any actual football action on Sportscene, so no one should mind if they completely do away with the pretendy coverage of the weekend’s games.

This proposal is so simple that even the BBC – drowning as it is in a bath of anti-Rangers* bile – can implement it. All they have to do is to finally give Rangers* fans the value for their licence fee to which they are entitled by sticking on a 9-in-a-row DVD and broadcasting it to the nation’s homes. Any other fans who don’t like this can turn over and watch something else instead. This is a fundamental matter of ensuring equality of superiority for the world’s most successful* club*. Unevenhanded treatment isn’t much to ask for.

In conclusion, I am sure that no one in their right mind could possibly disagree with my light blueprint for the u̶n̶c̶o̶n̶d̶i̶t̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶r̶e̶n̶d̶e̶r̶ restoration of Sportscene to credibility.

Could they?


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…


Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

How To Celebrate A Sevco Victory

Good Evening.

Overheard in a pub a short while ago. Possibly.

Celtic fan #1: “F*ck me. That’s embarrassing. Shocking from Celtic. I can’t believe we lost to the new club. What the f*ck has the board been playing at? And what about the manager and players? Do they think that’s acceptable?”

Celtic fan #2: “I know mate. Disgraceful stuff. The pressure is on now to sort the side out for the rest of the season.”

Celtic fan #3: “Aye, we are still top, we won the League Cup and we are still in Europe, but FFS we will never hear the end of it. Lawwell and Rodgers better get things sorted for the rest of the season.”

Meanwhile, over in another corner of the pub, the chat is also all about football… 😉

Sevco fan #1: “F*cking brilliant. We showed those b*stard paedo Tarrier f*ckers why they should go home!”

Sevco fan #2 “Spot on. Fenian b*stards. They are a f*cking stain on society. We showed them. Dave King is definitely bringing us 55. They won’t be able to handle it. The smelly mhanky bheasts!”

Sevco fan #3 “Well said mate. We are The People and they are sub f*cking human. This is our country and they should know their place! The Gaffer is going to be a legend when he delivers 55! F*ck Brenda Rodgers”

Sevco fan #1: “Brenda? F*cking brilliant mate! The Tarriers don’t have banter like that!”

And in a reserved area of the pub there were a few Scottish football journalists…

Journo #1: “Fantastic game yesterday. Brilliant result! It’s like David Murray never left Ibrox!”

Journo #2: “Usually I pretend he hasn’t! But yeah, it’s absolutely f*cking fantastic!” [*Rubs self uncomfortably*]

Journo #3: “Are you OK mate? Only you look like you are in pain.”

Journo #2: “Well I overdid the celebrations yesterday.”

Journo #3: “How do you mean? You are rubbing your [*cough*] groin area FFS!”

Journo #2: “Aye well I might have accidentally rubbed all the skin off my c*ck in the excitement.”

Journo #1: “F*ck, I’m glad it’s not just me! I’ve been in agony all day, but have been trying to hide it!”

Journo #2: “Good to know you are on board! How about you pal? Any chafing after the big win?”

Journo #3: “Bloody hell. Some of us have been around long enough to still have our Rangers* 9-in-a-row lubricant when required. It’s all about keeping your dignity. No chafing or blisters here. And look how smooth my hands are as well…”



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of (admittedly tasteless) satirical fun…

Media, Satire, Sevco

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Good Evening.

Not appearing in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…


Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Careless hack given “mother of all b*llockings” by furious top brass at famous Scottish paper.

By A.N. Absolute-Disgrace.

One of Scotland’s most prominent journalists was left shaken last night after his boss threatened to sack him over an unfortunate mistake in his preview of the upcoming Old Firm-tastic Old Firm fixture.

The journalist concerned – who is well known as an Old Firm fan – is also understood to be fearing ostracism by his colleagues (unless of course they have an emu rather than an ostrich).

A source close to the usually tight-knit (OK yes they do actually wear polyester rather than wool) newsroom spoke to us on condition of anonymity (not that we have heard of them). They exclusively revealed the sorry tale which looks set to destroy the credibility of the legendary football scribe.

“I still can’t believe it”, said our eyewitness. “The journo submitted his piece, and put his coat on to leave for the day, when suddenly the editor…What do you mean? Yes of course we have editors. You don’t think we just produce our articles like a misfiring arse pebbledashes a bathroom wall do you?

“Oh you do… Anyway, the editor suddenly stormed into the open plan and literally dragged the journalist into a meeting room. He slammed him against the wall and started yelling at him. I’ve never heard swearing like it. Well not since some of my pals discovered that a debenture at Ibrox had nothing to do with the club but only with the liquidated COMPANY!”

Our shocked insider continued. “In between all the foul language we could make out that the journalist had submitted an Old Firm article the day before an Old Firm game which contained some words that were neither ‘Old’ nor ‘Firm’. What a schoolboy error!

“You go through all that Traynoring and also get some qualifications, and what do you do? You stupidly write an Old Firm article in Old Firm week that has words in it like ‘a’, ‘is’, to’ and ‘and’, which take up valuable space that could have been filled with ‘Old Firm’. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, apparently he also put some adjectives and – FFS – verbs in the piece as if they were going out of fashion.”

Shaking his head and eyeing up a potential future promotion opportunity, our source added: “How the hell does he expect to keep his job and maintain the respect of the rest of the press pack if he’s going to undermine our hard-won reputation by not writing articles that solely consist of the words ‘Old Firm’ in the week of an Old Firm-a-licious Old Firm game?”

The guilty hack has been warned not to repeat his grave error of judgement on pain of instant dismissal, and he has also been instructed to complete some mandatory re-Traynoring.

“Hopefully he’ll be OK” said our insider. “He’s been told he must write 10,000 lines of ‘I must always mention Old Firm’ on a blackboard.

“I just hope he has the brains to leave out the ‘I must always mention…’ part. Otherwise the boss will think he’s REALLY taking the p*ss.

“The boss doesn’t want to see anything other than ‘Old Firm’ in the sports pages.




NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…