Probably not appearing in any attempted newspapers…
We are a building a fortress here says Arfield
The Rangers* midfielder saw encouraging signs of fortification during the Light Blues’ truly magnificent 6-0 friendly victory against English high-fliers Bury.
By A. Motte-Bailey
Scott Arfield last night insisted that the Gers’* stylish humiliation of the Shakers was the beginning of something special at Ibrox, and any domestic or Europa League raiders can expect to face intimidation and harsh resistance should they have ambitions of conquering Steven Gerrard’s side.
“You could see it taking shape even before the game” said Arfield.
“Loads of the fans digging a moat around the ground and pissing in it to fill it up. There will be a drawbridge going in over the next few days, and it will be lifted to stop opposition teams getting in. Apparently some local businesses have donated old shelves to make it. It’s an absolutely top class gesture and shows what this club* is all about.”
But the external fortifications are not the only obstacle visiting sides can expect to encounter at Ibrox this season.
“We are going to have archers standing on the roof to fend off anyone who makes it across the moat. I say ‘archers’ but it’s actually the local darts team. They share a set of darts so there are only actually three to throw. But this is a well organised defence that will take no prisoners! That’s what the manager wants and everyone is working hard to make it happen.”
Arfield also confirmed that should anyone evade the archers, a grisly fate awaits them.
“You’ve read about how they used to pour hot tar down on enemies trying to climb the walls? Well, the coaching staff have asked a cafe if they can borrow a hot cup of tea to throw down on the opposition. We couldn’t scrape together the cash to buy it, but thankfully the cafe has said it’s no bother. We just need to call them and the tea is ours. Shipped over from their urn in Belfast. They reckon they could get it to us within a few hours.”
Finally, the former Falkirk and Burnley hero sounded a warning about the Rangers* squad’s long-term commitment to seeing off challenges, no matter where they come from.
“The board wants us to adopt a siege mentality. So the water supply will be cut off and we will have to make what food we have last until the end of May. Unless we decide to eat fringe players who can’t get a game.
“And apparently anyone who complains about it being a cost-cutting exercise may find themselves facing the anger of the Ogre. I think it works as a trainer in the gym or something”.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…