Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Win Or Win With Pedro Caixinha

Duck

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that it has not been the best of weeks for Pedro away from his managerial responsibilities at Sevco.

In an attempt to relax from the pressures of managing the world’s most tribute-y tribute act, he went to a fun fair and tried his luck at one of those ‘prize EVERY time’ stalls. It was a hook-a-duck game and Pedro was certain that he couldn’t lose. Sadly, however, things went wrong when he over-exuberantly cast his rod, fell over, knocked down the stall, and somehow managed to lose the no-lose game! As well as get escorted off the premises…

He then tried to cheer himself up with a bet on the horses. There were only four in the race and the three he hadn’t backed pulled up after only a couple of furlongs. Pedro was quids in! He couldn’t lose! How unfortunate then that a sudden freak flame-thrower accident incinerated his betting slip as he walked across the shop to collect his winnings?

Determined to remain positive, Pedro then decided to collect some money that he definitely couldn’t lose out on. He’d taken out PPI on numerous occasions over the years and had been meaning to contact one of those companies who are able to get you money back from banks who had engaged in mis-selling. Kerching!

What a time for Pedro’s phone network to go down! And what a moment for his broadband to fail! And who could have predicted that his carrier pigeon would suddenly decide to take a day off? It was another loss snatched from the winning jaws of win-winner-y.

Fearing that he might start having doubts about his relentless winning ways, Pedro realised that there was only one thing for it. To have a short break in his caravan. His was the best caravan in the world and could beat any other mobile accommodation for speed, style, comfort and imperviousness to the barking of dogs. Pedro’s caravan is the caravan of a true winner and he just knew that a trip in it would set the right winning note for the upcoming League Cup semi-final against Motherwell.

The news that Pedro was doing some staunch caravanning would surely strike fear into his team’s opponents and inspire his own players to a famous victory. Especially when they heard about the awe-inspiring effects of his recent innovative modifications to his pride and joy.

“I will crush Motherwell under the tyres of my new triangular wheels” Pedro was heard to say, just before his caravan overturned and went into a ditch.

Nae luck Pedro!

At least you managed to win or win on the pitch today…

Oh dear…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun… and all we are saying is Give Ped A Chance

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Freezing Out Pedro Caixinha

Good Evening.

Not appearing in a newspaper near you anytime soon…

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“F*ck, it’s going to be cold!”, says Pedro

The Gers* boss admits he is wary of the unanticipated change in climate which will hit Scottish football in the coming months.

By B.R.R.R.R.R. Freezing

Ibrox laugh-generator Pedro Caixinha has advised his players to take precautions against polar bears and marauding penguins to ensure they don’t suffer a winter of animal-based embarrassment.

The Portuguese boss admits he has been alarmed about the climate change that will uniquely strike Scottish football in the coming months, and believes that hardy creatures from the Arctic and Antarctic could disrupt his plans.

Temperatures have already started to drop and the gaffer has ordered Foxes Glacier Mints and Penguin chocolate biscuits to help his men fend off winter calamity.

To Caixinha’s astonishment, it turns out that winter can be cold in Scotland and he fears that large white ursine perils could beat his stars to the World Class breakfast at No-Longer Murray Park, while stray Antarctic birds could make them trip in the penalty box BEFORE they have got close enough to an opposition player to fool the referee into giving them a penalty.

Caixinha said: “I like wildlife documentaries, and I have heard that it can be cold in Scotland during the winter months. I naturally fear what damage polar bears and penguins might do to my plans, particularly if my dogs happen to be too cold to bark at my ice-covered caravan.

“The players can take precautions, and I encourage them to do that by having Foxes Glacier Mints with them at all times.

“The wrapper will remind them what a polar bear looks like. They can look at it and check if the large white bear in the canteen is indeed a polar bear. If it is, they will hopefully be fit enough to run away and eat the mints for breakfast instead.”

Pedro continued, “As for the Penguin biscuits they now carry… If they think they may be prevented from diving for a penalty by a flightless bird, they can look at the wrapper and check whether it is a penguin. If it is a penguin they must avoid it and then dive. They must not trip.

“However, if it is not a penguin and is – for example – an emu, they must dive immediately and our legal team will ensure we win the match on the basis of the opposition fielding an unseasonal flightless bird.

“It is part of the players’ lives to accept that there is winter and there is football. I do not underestimate the challenge to my players in embracing this difficult truth.

“I need to incentivise them to deal with the polar bears and the penguins. If we have the need to help some guys we might invite these cold-weather creatures on the team bus to help improve familiarity. If nothing else, they will certainly get a seat before Kenny Miller.

“But if we have data that tells us it would be better for the boys to have a break from looking out for polar bears and penguins, we will give them that break.

“I have spoken to the club doctor about the need for iceberg supplements and I think it could be made part of what they require to prepare.

“Because when all else fails, we can fall back on an iceberg/ ‘Titanic’ analogy. It is important to have it prepared. Because although we know that we will be cold, we also know that we are likely to sink.”

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And if you think the above is silly, take a look at this…

Rangers* boss Pedro Caixinha guarding against Ibrox winter of discontent as he dishes out vitamin D supplements to stars

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Viva Ped Vegas!

img_7503

Good Evening.

So the beleaguered Pedro, facing unrest in his squad, says that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Is that right Pedro…?

🎵🎤🎵🎤🎵🎤🎵🎤

Viva Ped Vegas!

Shite! Fight! Pishy! Gonna find that mole
Gonna call that mole a liar
Had almost no money, it’s totally burned,
To get those Gers* up higher
There’s a thousand petty squabbles flamin’ out there
And for all Kenny Miller may care
Ped’s still the gaffer, he’s no love to spare
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!

How they wish that they had more
Than a measly few wins in the League
‘Cause unless Sevco learn how to score
It can only mean big Bampot glee
Oh, there’s Pena and Alves and the caravan
A barking dog, points lost at ev’ry turn
All it needs is team-peace,  Kenny not to squeal
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!

Viva Ped Vegas with your PR flashin’
And ex-Qatari man bashing’
All those boasts down the drain
Viva Ped Vegas turnin’ games into shite-time
Training light, Pena waistline
If Ped stays employed
Kenny’s gone and played his last game!

Ped’s gonna keep up his run
We’re gonna have so much of fun
If it costs the last Ibrox thin dime
If they wind up broke-up well
We’ll aways remember Ped had an “imposter’s” time
Ped’s gonna give it ev’rything he’s got
Fitba Gods give him another shot
Let him shout at Kenny. Give him the chop!
Viva Ped Vegas! Viva Ped Vegas!
Viva viva Ped Vegas!

🎵🎤🎵🎤🎵🎤🎵🎤

With apologies to Doc Pomus, Mort Schuman and Elvis Presley…

#KeepOnClumping

NB All we are saying is Give Ped A Chance…

Celtic, Media, Scottish Football, Sevco

Scott Brown Does Nothing Wrong

Good Evening.

You may have missed this article in an imaginary newspaper yesterday…

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Scott Brown Never Touched That Caravan

Alfredo Morelos went down after no Scott Brown-related incident, and the Hoops skipper will quite reasonably face no disciplinary action.

By A. Realist

Celtic skipper Scott Brown will face no action because nothing happened at Ibrox.

Ibrox boss Pedro Caixinha was left seething for no apparent reason, however he accused Brown of aiming an elbow at his player. Or was it an arse? Pedro doesn’t know one from the other.

The pair even ended up nose-to-nose as the teams made their way down the tunnel at half-time and Brown was heard to say, “if you don’t have a team talk to give, do you mind fetching me another pair of slippers for the second half? And maybe the paper to read? And say hi to Kenny Miller for me if you are still speaking”.

Nothing untoward happened seconds before the interval as Brown played football in the general vicinity of Morelos.

In a shock development, referee Craig Thomson did not blow for a foul because there was clearly no foul to penalise. And as a direct consequence of nothing happening, Scottish Football Association compliance officer Tony McGlennan has decided that nothing happened and he has gone for an early lunch to watch Bargain Hunt on the canteen TV.

Celtic striker Leigh Griffiths is also in the clear after doing nothing that could possibly leave him in any state other than in the clear. Gers* fans had wanted him taken to task for some random thing they thought they could pretend to take offence at.

The decision not to sanction Brown for doing nothing will inexplicably anger Caixinha, who warned the Celtic captain he would have sorted him out like an untidy caravan had he been on the pitch.

“I was angry at half-time, did you see it?” asked Pedro after the defeat which has seen his team slip further into the mire of failure.

“It’s the second time it happened. It was the same in April. I saw Brown’s elbows. This is not good for my players, but more importantly imaginary swinging elbows make a mess inside an imaginary caravan. I told the fourth official as well as the Caravan and Camping Club – but they let it go.

“Scott Brown was coming off and I told him, ‘You mess up that caravan, but if I was on the pitch you wouldn’t. The cushions would be straight, the washing up would have been done, a small lamp would have been switched on and some soothing music would have been playing’.

“I wouldn’t have allowed him to put his recyclable bottle of water in the wrong bin. If someone does something which may cause dogs to bark at the caravan I have to defend my caravan, my bins and the pleasant ambience of surprisingly-inexpensive mobile accommodation.

“If they don’t think it’s an outrage worthy of punishment it’s their decision. I need to respect while making plans to tidy the caravan.

“If I was in the caravan and I had to see Brown or other people like him causing untidiness with their elbows it would be a different thing. It was a shame that I couldn’t be in the caravan because I know the desire for order and caravan cleanliness I have.”

However, former English top-flight referee and suspected caravan enthusiast Dermot Gallagher played down the non-incident on the basis that absolutely nothing happened. Caravan-based or otherwise.

He told Sky Sports News: “I don’t know what’s upsetting Pedro, but there’s definitely nothing occurring in the film of the non-incident. Zero, zilch, nothing.

“I’ve seen caravans. Big things they are. They could do some real damage on a football pitch. There was no caravan there. Or camper van. Or tent. Not even an AGM gazebo. And you can’t miss a gazebo. Lovely animals. They are not keen on lions though. OOFT! I’ve seen them on wildlife documentaries. You get a lioness and a gazebo and there’s only one winner. And it’s not Dave King’s annual effort to secure the disapplication of preemption rights.”

And former Rangers* striker Steven Thompson claims Caixinha should be more concerned with the things that aren’t happening with his own side.

“I was bit embarrassed for Pedro Caixinha if I’m being honest,” the pundit told BBC Scotland’s ‘BarelyAnyFootballScenes’ programme. “He was trying to create a caravan kerfuffle, but he should be concentrating on nothing happening in defence, midfield, attack or in terms of credible tifos

“There was nothing in it. Scott Brown certainly didn’t ransack an imaginary caravan.”

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And if you think the above is ridiculous… 😉

Celtic skipper Scott Brown won’t face SFA action over alleged elbow on Alfredo Morelos

#KeepOnClumping

Further caravan shenanigans can be found here:

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

The True Story Of Pedro’s Caravan

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Chris Sutton Confronts Pedro Caixinha

Good Evening.

The Clumpany watched BT Sport earlier today and witnessed Sevco… err… ‘destroying’ Ross County like they were fodder for a cheap and not-entirely-accurate headline tomorrow…

I then saw Chris Sutton (conqueror of Derek Johnstone) asking Paperwork Pedro a few post-match questions, and I am pretty sure it went something like this… 😉

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Sutton:“So Pedro. That spectacular thing you said about your squad a while back was a complete pile of shite wasn’t it?”

Pedro: “I believe completely in my squad.”

Sutton:“Yes. But that piss-taking pile of shite was a piss-taking pile of shite that can’t be backed up by any supporting evidence whatsoever. Can it?”

Pedro: “I believe completely in my squad and do not need to defend it.”

Sutton:“Seriously Pedro? You spoke a completely piss-taking pile of shite about how you had the best squad in Scotland, and we’ve then seen it toil. Hasn’t your piss-taking pile of shite been proven to be the biggest pile of piss-taking shite ever unleashed upon Scottish football? And I say that as someone who saw David Tanner and Neil McCann fronting coverage of the domestic game for years on end.”

Pedro: “I completely believe in my squad and do not need to argue about it.”

Sutton:“OK then Pedro. You said a completely piss-taking pile of shite that you refuse to acknowledge was a completely piss-taking pile of shite. You clearly somehow think that I am the piss-taking shite-piling one. So I will ask you a VERY simple question….

“Are you seriously saying that you wouldn’t swap any of your SPFL non-crushing squad for players from Celtic, Aberdeen or the Leith Ladies Whist Drive? Are you really so determined to pile up your piss-taking shite like this in all it’s metaphor-mixing and stinking glory?”

Pedro: “I do not care about Celtic, Aberdeen or the Leith Ladies. I do not take the piss out of shite. Even if my caravan had the equipment to do so I would not permit it. I have no interest in any other team. Are those green boots that you are wearing Chris? I would not like to feel that you are taking the piss out of my pile of shite by wearing the colours of Celtic who I do not wish to talk about.”

Sutton:“So you agree that your piss-taking pile of shite WAS a piss-taking pile of shite? Are you not embarrassed, Pedro?”

Pedro: “I choose to take the piss as the Rangers* manager. That pile of shite is a Rangers* pile of shite. If you say it is a piss-taking pile of shite I am not going to argue with you. Because I choose to take the piss with a pile of shite comments in defence of my squad.”

Sutton:“So you really are speaking a piss-taking pile of shite Pedro?”

Pedro: “I was not briefed to answer any more questions. I will simply say that we are the People. I am told that that is all anyone really needs to know.”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football

A Plea For A Favour

Dear North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD).

Every year millions of people get a huge amount of pleasure from watching your satellite track Santa Claus as he travels round the globe delivering presents to people of all ages.

Your work brings families together, and reinforces a sense of community, peace and goodwill wherever it is observed.

Every movement is entertaining to someone somewhere, and whenever Santa reaches his next destination it is a cause for celebration for a countless multitude.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all that you do and for gladdening so many hearts during these trying times for humanity.

It is in this spirit of profound appreciation that I write to you to humbly request an expansion of the magnificent service you provide. If granted, my request would result in entire continents being brought together in a spirit of unity and untold happiness outside the very special Christmas period.

I am sure you will agree that anything which can help to calm the world’s troubled waters and put a smile on the faces of people of all ages, races and creeds is to be welcomed.

As such, I trust that you will agree to track the movements of Pedro Caixinha’s Sevco Caravan for the rest of the season.

That’s some crazy shit, isn’t it?! With barking dogs FFS!

Don’t let me down. I work my arse off for the world, so it’s the least I deserve! 😉

Yours sincerely,

Santa Claus.

North Pole.

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Barking Pedro’s Caravan Adventure

Good Evening.

Here are today’s Sevco press conference highlights in full… 😉

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Press: “So Pedro, are you feeling any pressure ahead of the this weekend’s game?”

Pedro: “I always felt the support of the fans in the stadium. What I need to tell you, and it’s a Portuguese saying, ‘the dogs bark and the caravan keeps going’. It goes past the dog. The dog barks again. It wants to get into the caravan. It knows the caravan is going to the seaside where it might see a trawler and seagulls and collide with Eric Cantona’s higher-quality press conference surrealism.

But the caravan presses on. It goes on to the dual carriageway and heads for the motorway. It has no time for dogs. It has no time for cats either. But there are no cats barking at the caravan. Because there are no cats. I do not mean ‘there are no cats in the world’. That would be a nonsense. There are many cats in the world. ‘Catwoman’ for example. That is a terrible movie. It would not be shown on the TV in the caravan, for it is a caravan of culture. It is not the ‘Caravan of Love’ however. I did not buy the caravan from the Isley Brothers. Or from The Housemartins. Although we all enjoy a ‘Happy Hour’ in the caravan.

However, to go back to my point, I mean there are no cats by the side of the road barking at the caravan. Nor are there giraffes. There may be brass in my own neck as a football manager, but there is no long neck.

And so the caravan continues. It is a respected caravan. The policeman – as he pulls the caravan over for having pieces falling off it and seeming directionless – he really respects this caravan. That is because of the work we have put into improving the caravan. When I took over the caravan, it was a gazebo for holding meetings inside. People laughed at it. Now we have a strong ‘together’ caravan – apart from the parts that drop off. It is a caravan that is going places.

The policeman says it is important to continue our journey in a straight line. And to put sellotape on the caravan. He also says the dog has reported that it has been left behind by the caravan. I tell the policeman that this caravan always keeps going. There is no place for the dog. The dog has goalscoring potential and is not suitable for my caravan. I ask the policeman if he would like to buy the dog at a very cheap price, or at least take it on loan. The policeman tells me to be on my way.

My caravan continues on to the motorway. We begin to accelerate and challenge the performance of the other vehicles. We do this from the hard shoulder and they salute us as they pass in the outside lane. That respectful two-fingered salute that always gives me confidence in my caravan. My passengers – who are weighing down the caravan despite a long pre-season and being professional athletes – they say that they need the toilet. They bond as a team in shouting that the caravan will not make it to the services for hours if moving at 5mph.

I channel my inner dog – not the same dog that wanted to travel in my caravan, but my inner ‘Pedro dog’ – and I bark at them. I bark that I do not recognise statistics that I do not like. I tell them that I recognise 100mph only, and they should enjoy the speed of the caravan.

The team accepts my word and I am pleased to see them bond once more by giving me a respectful two-fingered salute. All is now well with our caravan as we drive to glory.”

Press: “What does that mean for your chances at Ross County on Sunday, Pedro?”

Pedro: “Who is this ‘Ross’ person? And what is he counting? Is it caravans? If so, there is no chance of him getting his counting wrong. I have only one caravan. And it is a magnificent, widely-respected caravan. If Ross is counting dogs, then I have to disappoint him. For I have no dog. I may be barking, but there are no dogs here.”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…