Somewhere in an office early this morning, a mild-mannered journalist was enjoying a cup of coffee and browsing through the papers.
A perfectly ordinary scene you might think.
But no. For this fellow has a secret identity, known only to many thousands who watch TV and read online news. This unassuming hack is Car Park Man! Hero of the minutiae of Scottish football, walking pace pursuer of unimpressive administrators, and able to leap the smallest of regulations in a single bound!
And he was barely halfway through his coffee when an incongruous, ridiculously bright red old-fashioned phone started flashing and beeping. Strangely, no one else noticed it. But out hero did, and he picked up the handset and covered his mouth as he began to whisper.
Journalist: “Yes it’s me. Is there an emergency”.
Mysterious Voice: “Yes. Something is in the Daily Record. About UEFA, rules, and Rangers*”.
Journalist: “You’re kidding!”
Mysterious Voice: “I wish I was. The piece has a quote from an SFA source. It almost looks like a decent story”.
Journalist: “This sounds serious”.
Mysterious Voice: “It is. Ordinarily I’d ask someone else to cover dross reported in the papers, but I want us to get across this and to the truth of the matter. The audience deserves to know the facts!”
Journalist: “Are you saying that…”
Mysterious Voice: “You know what I’m saying…”.
Journalist: “But we only save ‘him’ for special occasions. ‘He’ will get the job done quickly, but we don’t want people to become too dependent on ‘him’. ‘He’ can’t save the day every day”.
Mysterious Voice: “I know that. But this is important. This is a job for Car Park Man!”
Journalist: “I’m on my way, Sir!”
Mysterious Voice: “Good work. I assume you won’t operate alone? Car Park Man isn’t really Car Park Man unless he has his sidekick Handy Man with him.”
Journalist [*Looking up at colleague who had wandered over furtively and somehow unseen by everyone else*]: “He’s here now Sir. You can depend on us!”
The journalist put the phone down, looked his colleague squarely in the eye and – with a deadly serious tone in his voice – asked “To the Rulebook Cave?”
“To the Rulebook Cave!” replied his colleague as he lifted the top off the head of a marble bust which no one else ever seemed to notice. He pressed a button, and a panel of fake bookshelves which nobody ever questioned slid back to reveal two poles. The dynamic duo ran towards them and slid down. Two capes and two pairs of tights later, and Car Park Man and Handy Man set to work on their latest mission!
Meanwhile, upstairs, some mice gnawed away at a discarded copy of the Offshore Game report and concluded that it was “quite tasty”. 😉
NB Other recent Clumpany offerings include: