Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco, SFA

Hearts 0-1 Sevco

Meet the match winner!

Good Evening.

Last night saw the Sevco juggernaut continuing on its relentless journey towards the Premiership title and the rest of the division must surely now be quaking with fear.

You may believe that Hearts pumped Sevco 2-0 last night to go second in the table. And that certainly seemed to be the case at the final whistle. However, as we all know, ANYTHING is possible in Scottish football and it appears that The Warbmeister’s complaints about a Sevco goal being chalked off for offside have had a dramatic impact.

You may be aware that early in the second half Joe Dodoo put the ball in the Hearts net for an apparent equaliser only for it to be ruled out several decades later because Harry Forrester was in an offside position. 

OK it wasn’t actually decades later. It was about 14 seconds later, according to Warbo who wibbled about it in quite bizarre fashion:  

“Harry was probably offside but the fact is the goal was given. The flag doesn’t go up for 14 seconds and then the linesman walks five or six paces down the line. So what happened to change their minds? It’s not us being sore losers or clutching at straws but that makes the game 1-1 and that would have been an important turning point.”

 Not clutching at straws, eh?


Well Warbo’s cries of anguish may have been hilarious, but they were certainly heard by the SFA’s Bryson Interpretation Department. Having consulted their legendary ‘Lord Nimmo-Smith Playbook’ [or should that be ‘Playing Lord Nimmo-Smith’ book?] they have intervened and ruled that because the offside wasn’t given at the time occurred it wasn’t an infringement and the goal should have stood. 

The SFA therefore adjusted the result to be Hearts 2-1 Sevco.

In the interests of fairness and propriety the SFA then decided to refer their decision to Lord Nimmo-Smith himself for review. However, at the last moment before he began his deliberations, the SPFL suddenly insisted on an adjustment to the timeframe he needed to consider.

Instead of the full 90 minutes plus injury time, Lord Nimmo-Smith was asked only to review events from the start of the second half, just before Sevco scored their now-reinstated goal.

Sadly this meant that Lord Nimmo-Smith  was unable to consider any evidence of Hearts’ first goal, which was scored after 44 minutes, so that has now been removed from the record.

And what bad luck that the DVD of the match had an inexplicable glitch which erased the passages of play between the 59th and 61st minutes, when Hearts scored their second goal.

With no evidence of either Hearts goal to consider, and with clear proof that Sevco scored a perfectly legitimate goal, Lord Nimmo-Smith had no alternative but to award the match and the three points to Sevco on account of a glorious 1-0 away win.

Another triumph for sporting integrity!



One thought on “Hearts 0-1 Sevco

Comments are closed.