The Clumpany is renowned for its iron constitution and all-round dignity. But I am afraid that there was an embarrassing incident at Clumpany Towers earlier this afternoon.
There I was, browsing the Internet sports pages, ducking occasionally to avoid being hit in the head by shark-jumping journalists, when suddenly there was a most regrettable development.
A great big involuntary puddle of pish splattered all over the floor! And believe me, you have to expel quite a lot of liquid to cover several million square feet of intangible carpeting.
I can sense your alarm at this unfortunate development and at the loss of Clumpany composure. Rest assured that I intend to deal with it. Hundreds of Clumpany staff are standing by with aqualungs and mops to begin the clear-up operation.
When the flow stops.
As you can imagine, something quite dramatic must have happened to prompt me to lose control of my ethereal bladder in such dramatic fashion. It has, and the Car Park Superhero may have been in the vicinity!
I speak of this piece on the STV website, which caused me to p*ss myself like I have never p*ssed before.
Now, its a lovely article and pretty informative about UEFA’s financial fair play regulations, which STV’s finest have gone through in some detail. It was written in response to articles in this morning’s papers, and it is always good to see a bit of cross-platform debate going on for the benefit of readers. What’s more, I am happy to acknowledge that this is one of a number of helpful detailed articles about rules and regulations which STV have produced over the years. I particularly remember this one about who was entitled to the proceeds of Celtic’s sale of Victor Wanyama to Southampton.
BUT COME ON!
Or the Sports Integrity Initiative report?
Or the full text of the UEFA ‘new club/ company’ letter, which is of great interest to the footballing public, and which would make an ideal follow-up to their earlier story on Resolution 12?
It is a truly hilarious thing to witness, and I continue to live in hope that someone might explain the apparent ‘overlooking’ of these stories.
In the meantime, I recommend you put sandbags in front of your doors as a precautionary measure, because I suspect I am going to be p*ssing myself laughing at STV for a good while yet!
NB Other recent offerings from The Clumpany include