The Amazing Disappearing Lescott

Lescott was gutted not to sign for Sevco

Good Evening.
It pains The Clumpany to have to say this, but my faith in both the media and the art of public relations has been shaken today.

I can sense you are astonished to hear that my previously unshakable trust in the meticulous and dependable output of Scotland’s sports media has been shattered. I know that disappointments do happen from time to time, but that doesn’t make them any less painful.

The cause of the Clumpany’s dismay is the reporting surrounding the blockbuster transfer of Joleon Lescott from Aston Villa to Sevco in a move which had been well-trailed across the media, and which was likely to be finalised today.

Earlier today, the unthinkable happened. News broke that the Lescott move had fallen through! Imagine that! A move to the mighty Sevco falling through. It’s enough to make you cry.

And as Derek Johnstone told us yesterday, securing his services could have been an absolute masterstroke by The Warbmeister.

The collapse of the move is shocking for two reasons. 

Firstly, because Villa were reportedly going to pay a hefty chunk of the first year of Lescott’s wages at Sevco, which would have given the new club an expensive-if-ageing player at a knock-down price. It looked to be a pretty tidy bit of business.

And secondly (and most importantly) because Warbo had Megabussed down to England to personally persuade Lescott to sign, even though it meant risking his life by drinking water on the world’s steepest outdoor seating area.

Picture by @jakey7787

But collapse the move did! Even though Lescott had apparently said goodbye to his Villa teammates yesterday. 

Curiously, the reasons offered for the collapse by those ‘in the know’ were spectacularly varied:

So, in summary, the factors underpinning Lescott’s non-move now include:

• ‘Family reasons’.
• A failed medical.
• Not a failed medical.
• He couldn’t agree personal terms.

I am sure you can appreciate why I am so bewildered and disappointed by the media. It almost looks as though quickly-deployed spin somehow unraveled faster than you can say ‘money’. Furthermore, I hope that if (as seems likely) Lescott didn’t fail a medical, those saying he had haven’t inadvertently hindered his chances of finding another club…

At one point the varied excuses for Lescott not signing for Sevco were coming so thick and fast I was bracing myself for practically anything:

“Lescott unable to sign following freak unicorn accident”

“Premiership challenge too big for English Championship also-ran”

“Joleon wilts before majesty of Rangers* war chest”

“Noble Lescott takes pity on Celtic by staying in England”

“Celtic’s shame as Lescott refuses to play in same league as serial UEFA offenders”

“The Great Misunderstanding: Lescott’s ‘Yes I’ll sign’ text accidentally sent from his pocket”

“Joleon’s joy as he agrees to sign for Rangers* when they make the Champions League”

“Lescott takes liberties by demanding actual cash from Rangers*”

“Joleon’s ‘England regret’. Star man felt he couldn’t shine alongside future England stars Wes, Waggy and Tavs”

And I kept looking up at the sky to see if Level5 had deployed the special ‘Turd Polishcopter’.

Stranger things have happened…

What a tumultuous day! I can only hope that the Scottish sports hacks try and restore my faith in them by uncovering the truth of why Lescott didn’t sign for the Ibrox side. Even if that truth involves Sevco not being able to meet his wage expectations after agreeing a deal with Villa.

Over to you ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, and while you are at it, can you find out whether Warbo and Frank McParland are still ‘Gods’? Many thanks in advance.

#KeepOnClumping