Media, Satire, Scottish Football

Reasons Not To Support Your Colleagues In The Media

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany’s ethereal ears have been ringing from the silence of many of Michael Stewart’s media colleagues in backing him following his (temporary?) removal from the [*cough*] prestigious gig that is Sportsound.

Here are some of the best excuses I may have seen, heard or invented from the Poundshop press pack: 😉

  • “‘Michael’ who?”
  • ‘”Stewart’, who”
  • “Is Stewart Michael any relation to George? Loved his songs! ‘Club Tropicana’ was inspired by David Murray’s parties you know. No I don’t have proof of that. Why would I need proof for anything I say?”
  • “Michael Stewart should just ask for his money back if his Gym Trainer is giving him problems. No one wants to hear about it on the radio.”
  • “No one backed me that time I bought a coffee from the canteen and it was cold.”
  • “Don’t talk to me about ‘media controversy’. I once emailed Queen Victoria and she never replied. Not even an out of office notification. I was devastated and I got absolutely no support from my so-called colleagues.”
  • Some irrelevant pish about ‘Bloggers’.
  • “It’s all about opinions”. As long as it’s the right sort of opinion, it seems.
  • “The Scottish sports media has never been influenced by Rangers’* PR operation. That’s what you wanted me to say isn’t it Jim? Let me know if you need anything else.”
  • Random inflammatory mention of “Irish Irishman Phil MacChipOnHisShoulder.”
  • “We are only here to talk about the football. And the value of Morelos. Did you know there has been £100m interest in Morelos from the top team on Neptune?”.
  • “I don’t speak Spanish OR English. I’ve no view on the so-called ‘Translategate'”.
  • “Ach it’s all just Old Firm* knockabout stuff.”
  • Incoherent babble about “someone having to defend Rangers*”.
  • “Can we get a nine-in-a-row Rangers legend on to replace Michael Stewart?”
  • “Welcome to day 600 of our ‘Leigh Griffiths should be dismembered for his dirty play’ debate.”
  • “Celtic fans aren’t blameless in all this [unspecific asserted bullsh*t]. They need to take a long hard look at the shame they have brought on the game. The SFA must step in and fire them into space with a big cannon.”


Keep across the Scottish sports media next week for more monumental spinelessness.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

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