Satire, Scottish Football

Sweaty Palms And Hatred

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been sent a completely-imaginary diary extract from someone purporting to be a free-thinking citizen of the United Kingdom and a fan of Scottish football.

The made-up author has given The Clumpany their thoughts on the basis of anonymity, and so I will not respond to any queries about their football allegiances.

Make of it what you will… 😉


11 December 2016

A pretty ordinary day really, although I must admit to feeling a bit disappointed with it.

I woke up at 6:50am, well before the alarm went off. I found myself licking my lips, and could feel my heart pounding. Probably a result of surfing the internet so late last night. That hunger for a ‘breakthrough’ really gets to me.

I can feel my moment coming, though.

Tick tock!

I got a glass of water and looked in the mirror. My skin looked neglected as though I hadn’t looked away from a screen in months. Big white-headed spots were in evidence, and as I looked at them I could almost hear the cries of ‘Pizza Face’ from long-ago classmates.

As I downed my water, I felt a tinge of excitement about the day ahead. I walked to the PC and turned it on. I experienced a minor thrill of expectation as I clicked to open the internet browser and sought out the news. And what joy I felt when I saw the headline about a new child abuse story in Scottish football! Surely THIS would be the day when my hopes would come to fruition?!

But no.


The child abuse story I saw was in relation to the wrong club! I couldn’t give a toss about that club or anyone affected! I want child abuse to have happened in the club that I want to see humiliated!

I couldn’t believe my bad luck.

Not to be deterred, I browsed a little more deeply, hoping to find fresh allegations of children being abused with a connection to the football club I hate. My desire burned so fiercely in my heart that I was tempted to drink a yard of Gaviscon to soothe it.

And then I suddenly thought that my luck might REALLY be in! I found folk on social media randomly making remarks about child abuse, sexual predators and the rape of minors! SURELY the club I yearn to see brought to its knees is about to come a cropper?

I was so excited by this possibility that I immediately fired off several emails and Tweets to newspapers and football governing bodies, asking

  • if they had seen the ‘chat’; and
  • demanding to know if they would seek to strip titles and trophies from any club whose staff were implicated.

I must admit that I found myself rubbing my thighs and licking my lips while I asked these questions. The possibility of humiliating the club I hate is just so delicious. Obviously, I don’t really want any children to have been abused. No, really. But I do think that a good scandal could clean Scottish football of everything I despise.

Some people might say that I am petty or even twisted! However, I firmly believe that evidence of child rape is exactly what the game needs to move forward.

PS I couldn’t write any more today as my children interrupted me while I was typing…