Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Derek Johnstone: ‘Caveman’

Good Evening.

First of all, please ignore my previous blog. That was nothing to do with me.

Secondly, let’s get down to business. Apparently legendary football analyst Derek Johnstone – the man who possibly thinks ‘forensic’ is a vomiting illness – has been on a hypothetical cave-exploring holiday. 😉

And what amazing luck that he should find evidence in support of his completely unprecedented board-backing view that it is absolutely right that Sevco should take a long time – a LOOOONG time – in appointing the [*cough cough*] right manager for the biggest job in all of Big Jobbydom.

Sources close to Fantasy Island have told The Clumpany “DJ couldn’t believe it. He was down in the ancient caves boring his guide to death about how the Sevco board is absolutely right in everything it does. He must have said ‘a club like Rangers*’, ‘Dave King’ and ‘back where we… err… THEY belong’ a hundred times each.

“Then he started talking about the managerial vacancy at Sevco, and about how the board didn’t want to rush into making a costly appointment.

“DJ stressed that ‘costly’ meant Rangers* potentially losing matches under the wrong man rather than Dave King having to find actual money to get someone in. Because Dave has lots of money, and anyone who suggests otherwise is clearly not a genuine Rangers* fan.

“And just as the tour guide was about to turn them around to go back to what he apparently described as ‘somewhere out of earshot of this high-pitched buffoon’, DJ swore blind that he could see a very old cave painting.

“This came as a surprise to the tour guide as he’d never seen any paintings in this part of the caves during a 30-year career. However, DJ was adamant that he could definitely see a picture of men throwing spears at bison and underneath someone had clearly written ‘Rangers shouldn’t target a manager as frantically as these People are chasing bison. The board should take its time’.

“The guide challenged DJ to point out exactly where this painting and writing was and said DJ could actually touch the walls if needed, even though that isn’t usually allowed. He also explained to DJ that cavemen couldn’t write the English language or indeed any words, so he was probably just seeing things.

“But DJ wasn’t having any of it. He said that Rangers* was an historic club and its reputation was clearly timeless. Even the cavemen knew it was important for a club like Rangers* to take all the time in the world to make the correct managerial appointment.”

When informed of DJ’s ‘discovery’, a SSB spokesperson refused to confirm that a caveman tale of a bygone age had no place on a flagship football phone-in.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…