Not appearing in a newspaper near you anytime soon…
“F*ck, it’s going to be cold!”, says Pedro
The Gers* boss admits he is wary of the unanticipated change in climate which will hit Scottish football in the coming months.
By B.R.R.R.R.R. Freezing
Ibrox laugh-generator Pedro Caixinha has advised his players to take precautions against polar bears and marauding penguins to ensure they don’t suffer a winter of animal-based embarrassment.
The Portuguese boss admits he has been alarmed about the climate change that will uniquely strike Scottish football in the coming months, and believes that hardy creatures from the Arctic and Antarctic could disrupt his plans.
Temperatures have already started to drop and the gaffer has ordered Foxes Glacier Mints and Penguin chocolate biscuits to help his men fend off winter calamity.
To Caixinha’s astonishment, it turns out that winter can be cold in Scotland and he fears that large white ursine perils could beat his stars to the World Class breakfast at No-Longer Murray Park, while stray Antarctic birds could make them trip in the penalty box BEFORE they have got close enough to an opposition player to fool the referee into giving them a penalty.
Caixinha said: “I like wildlife documentaries, and I have heard that it can be cold in Scotland during the winter months. I naturally fear what damage polar bears and penguins might do to my plans, particularly if my dogs happen to be too cold to bark at my ice-covered caravan.
“The players can take precautions, and I encourage them to do that by having Foxes Glacier Mints with them at all times.
“The wrapper will remind them what a polar bear looks like. They can look at it and check if the large white bear in the canteen is indeed a polar bear. If it is, they will hopefully be fit enough to run away and eat the mints for breakfast instead.”
Pedro continued, “As for the Penguin biscuits they now carry… If they think they may be prevented from diving for a penalty by a flightless bird, they can look at the wrapper and check whether it is a penguin. If it is a penguin they must avoid it and then dive. They must not trip.
“However, if it is not a penguin and is – for example – an emu, they must dive immediately and our legal team will ensure we win the match on the basis of the opposition fielding an unseasonal flightless bird.
“It is part of the players’ lives to accept that there is winter and there is football. I do not underestimate the challenge to my players in embracing this difficult truth.
“I need to incentivise them to deal with the polar bears and the penguins. If we have the need to help some guys we might invite these cold-weather creatures on the team bus to help improve familiarity. If nothing else, they will certainly get a seat before Kenny Miller.
“But if we have data that tells us it would be better for the boys to have a break from looking out for polar bears and penguins, we will give them that break.
“I have spoken to the club doctor about the need for iceberg supplements and I think it could be made part of what they require to prepare.
“Because when all else fails, we can fall back on an iceberg/ ‘Titanic’ analogy. It is important to have it prepared. Because although we know that we will be cold, we also know that we are likely to sink.”
And if you think the above is silly, take a look at this…
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…