Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List

Pedro2Good Evening.

The Clumpany hears that Ryan Jack isn’t the only thing about Aberdeen that Paperwork Pedro has his eye on. This article – which won’t be appearing in a newspaper anytime soon – explains all…


Pedro’s Aberdeen Wish List

By A. Futile-Hope

Pedro Caixinha has sensationally added to his earlier comments about Ryan Jack by expressing his admiration for other aspects of Aberdeen Football Club.

The Light Blues gaffer caused a stir by commenting favourably on the Dons captain in a move which clearly enraged manager Derek McInnes. And now he has fanned the flames further by announcing an entire list of Aberdeen targets as he seeks to undertake a rebuilding job over the summer.

“I admire many things about Aberdeen” said Caixinha. “I like their second place in the league and their Cup final. The Chairman knows my ambition and will give me the resources to achieve my targets. 

“We will swap the Aberdeen players for Rangers* ones in the changing rooms at Hampden later this month, and then my team will run out to play Celtic. 

“We also will invite Mr Doncaster to a very nice lunch with leek soup and ask him to delete Aberdeen from the league table and replace their name with Rangers*. Then we will be runners-up, and Aberdeen’s cycle of success will be at an end.”

Caixinha’s plan may be eye-catching, but it is only the beginning.

“I also like the Aberdeen kit. I would like to buy it and have my team play in it next season. Their UEFA Super Cup would also look nice in my office. Their cones are excellent and would be great cones with which to train. Especially with Aberdeen training bibs.

“Their bus is a bus of quality and I desire that to be the Rangers* team bus. I have also often thought about the Aberdeen corner flags and think they could be a valuable addition to our facilities.

“The white lines marking the Aberdeen pitch are a thing of beauty and I would love to have them on my pitch. But I feel they look their very best within the Pittodrie stadium, so I aim to make that Rangers* new home ground. 

And finally, I also like Mr McInnes’ beard. It is a dramatic beard. I aim to remove it from his face and glue it to my own.”

Unfortunately, however, even the ambitious Caixinha knows that there are limits to his Aberdeen ambitions.

“I also hope to acquire Mr McInnes’ smile, but no one has ever seen it.”