Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco

Sevco: Saviours Of The British Empire

IMG_3938Good Afternoon.

This ‘column’ won’t appear in any Scottish sports pages in the near future….


Globetrotting Rangers* Starlets Can Rebuild An Empire

Rangers’* decision to opt out of next season’s Development League could pay dividends for the Light Blues, and change the world says our columnist.

By A. Nostalgia-Fest

As with all things coming out of Scotland’s biggest club, the bold choice to withdraw from next year’s Development League has got everyone talking. Less-informed commentators have suggested that it is a sign of cost-cutting and a wish to avoid further embarrassment at the hands of domestic rivals.

But that is far from the truth. Rangers remain a massive institution with ambitions to match. By looking beyond the narrow horizons of Scotland, the brave and valiant young Gers* have an opportunity to play the best* teams in their age group. And rebuild the British Empire.

Especially rebuild the British Empire.

With no expense being spared, the Auchenhowie Auxiliaries can have a kickabout in every country to which they hitchhike before attempting to take control of local TV and radio stations and seize key infrastructure.

It is understood that the Rangers* commercial department has struck a deal whereby in return for an extra-loud round of applause at the next Armed Forces Day, the Royal Navy will loan the Auchehowie Auxilliaries a bathtub from one of their bases. The plan is to transform it into a terrifying vessel going by the name HMS Dignity and undertake amphibious landings around the world.

The Royal Air Force is also prepared to loan the heroes a sheet of A4 paper. This can be made into an aeroplane which with to undertake pre-invasion reconnaissance.

The British Army is also going to do its bit by offering the services of General Calamity. Assisted by Major Deficit, the General will offer expertise in strategic planning befitting the world’s most successful club.

Rangers’* critics can be expected to attack the initiative as a backward-looking exercise symptomatic of yearning for a bygone age and a misplaced superiority complex. Which isn’t easy for me to write without help from an adult.

However, such unreasonable assessments fail to see the bigger picture. At least a quarter of the globe needs to be turned red again, and Rangers’* young players need to have a change of scene away from the over- familiarity of the middle of the Development League table.

Onwards to victory! For Queen, Empire and the odd game of football if they can find anyone willing to play them.



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…