Media, Satire, Scottish Football

The Ibrox Vegetables

Good Evening.

The Clumpany understands that the following article isn’t going to appear in any newspaper.


Leeks from Rangers camp must stop, says Pedro Caixinha

By A. Market-Gardener

Rangers* manager Pedro Caixinha has vowed to crack down on leeks leaving the Ibrox dressing room.

Caixinha has been unhappy with the number of magnificent specimens disappearing after coming into contact with the first-team squad since he took charge six weeks ago.

His latest gripe came after news broke that some of his much-loved leeks had won prizes in a number of vegetable shows without his agreement that they should be entered.

Now the Portuguese boss has promised to find the person who removed the leeks, and  has warned that anyone caught eating them will incur his wrath.

He said: “We don’t comment on speculation. But I can confirm that there has been a lovely garden here since Ally McCoist stepped down as manager. I’ve spoken to three players so far and those three players know what is going to happen to them if I find out they have been using the leeks to make a tasty soup with some potatoes.

“The majority of my suspicion is directed to the inside of the club, as this is a major concern. If my leeks are being taken away by an insider I cannot say that I am happy with that situation. Especially as I was hoping to use those lovely leeks in a meal for the chairman, which I would send to South Africa in a purée like the ones eaten by astronauts. Because Mr King isn’t here very often. Which is a shame, because those leeks are so delicious. 

“We need to identify who is taking the leeks and then put them on the compost heap, where they will rot like all our unused substitutes. We are a big club with big leek-growing ambitions, and a big club cannot have this sort of behaviour.

“We dig and we hoe. And we water and nurture those precious plants. That is the way we are going to train and prepare for our games.

“No leeks, no happiness. That is a point we definitely need to understand.

“The loss of the leeks is not just destabilising for myself. It upsets the balance of the whole garden. Without the leeks there is only grass. And no one wishes to see grass. Especially while he is still injured.

“I found when I was working at Sporting Lisbon that leeks also escaped easily. Benfica rules Portuguese football nowadays. But back then it was Porto.

“I can tell you something – no leeks come out from Benfica unless they want them to be proudly displayed and then eaten in a magnificent feast. That is why they are successful.

“With Porto in those days, I used to remember they had a president who said when players were coming in or moving, ‘If a magnificent leek appeared outside the walls of the club the players were not to be trusted in vegetable matters.’

“I found that a very good principle and they were successful with their leeks. I try to follow successful leek growers, not the opposite.”


Meanwhile, in other news:

Leaks from Rangers camp must stop, says Pedro Caixinha


NB Yes I know it’s not actually the season for leeks, but at least I am not taking the p*ss to the extent of pretending Sevco is the same club as Rangers…

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