Another day, another round of cutting-edge Evening Shark-Jump pieces wherein someone connected with one of the Ibrox clubs says something positive about a player or the whole team. The Clumpany sometimes wonders whether there is an agreed squad rota which the ESJ systematically works through.
Here are their latest offerings:
However, news has reached Clumpany Towers that the desperation could soon be turned up a notch. The evidence comes in the form of this fictitious article which I have been ‘sent’, and which could be published any day now…
Loving Cup: Plastic Mug Can Be A Tea Player For Gers*
Ibrox legend the Loving Cup has tipped recent acquisition Plastic Mug to be a big hit with the staff and players at Rangers* after its recent arrival from top Swedish outfit IKEA.
Plastic Mug made a shock move to Ibrox following the unexpected departure of Ceramic Tea Cup, which was left quite literally shattered by the fallout between Joey Barton and his teammates.😉 Now the Loving Cup feels it is only a matter of time before Plastic Cup steps on to the Old Firm stage, and does Old Firm things against Rangers’* Old Firm rivals Celtic.
“I’ve seen the way that Plastic Mug has settled in”, said Loving Cup. “It’s been very impressive. You could see the quality it offered the moment it arrived.”
“Some commentators weren’t prepared to give it a chance, and said that the club was shopping in the bargain basement because it couldn’t afford good quality china anymore. That’s nonsense. This mug is top class.”
Rangers* signing of a promising container for hot beverages has excited their fans in a way not seen since Charles Green inexplicably felt the need to serve tea to fans even though it was exactly the same club for which they had bought season tickets in 2011.
A fans’ spokesman said “Fancy buying a Lion Brand top? Oh, you want a quote? OK then… After years of neglect this club finally has people with Rangers’* best interests at heart. Their buying of Plastic Mug is a real statement of intent and shows how far we have come in a short space of time”.
Top European sides are rumoured to be eyeing Plastic Mug as a big-money January transfer target. Loving Cup is unsurprised by their interest, but remains confident that the Rangers* board will do whatever it takes to keep Plastic Mug leading the line on the drinks tray for the foreseeable future.
“I’ve seen no end of cups come into Ibrox, usually sitting on top of a side-letter, and I have seen even more mugs. Often 50,000 of them on a matchday. But I can honestly say that I have never seen such a potentially iconic figure as Plastic Mug. This receptacle – which someone borrowed 49p to purchase – could come to represent an entire era!”
Plastic Mug’s agent refused to allow his client to be interviewed, and said “we are still hoping to secure a position in a top-flight charity shop”.