Tales of the Entirely Expected

If only...
If only…

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is not reeling from the latest manoeuvres in ‘Operation Flogging A Dead Horse Sevco Season Tickets’.

The undramatic entry into the melodrama of one of Scotland’s most vacuous pundits has left The Clumpany shrugging its shoulders and saying “meh” before moving swiftly on to watch a box set of Neil Doncaster interviews.

Yes, Clumpaneers. The Fountain of Eternal Mediocrity, has spewed forth his views on the appointment of Mark Warburton!

Step forward Derek Johnstone!

In no doubt that things are on the up. Yet again.
In no doubt that things are on the up. Yet again.

And guess what?

He’s been well-impressed so far!

Who could possibly have predicted that?!

If there’s a positive perspective to be adopted on any Sevconian matter, DJ is your man!

Spilled your pint at the Sevco Christmas party? DJ will tell you it’s a great opportunity for the ‘club’ to buy a brewery and dominate the European drinks market.

Sevco team bus broken down? DJ will tell you it’s a fantastic time for the ‘club’ to buy jet-packs and fly into games dressed as the Grim Reaper to put fear into the opposition before a ball has been kicked.

You get the idea…

“Good start from team Warburton but now it’s about getting Rangers back to the upper crust” is the headline, and the ‘substance’ of the piece isn’t much better.

“I thought how the new Rangers manager conducted himself and spoke as he was paraded in the Blue Room earlier this week was first-class”.

“If you were a Gers supporter watching it I am sure you would have been mightily pleased with the appointment and excited at what is going to happen with the team in the coming season”.

“For somebody who has only had 78 games in charge of a club in senior football, he has built up quite a reputation down south”

“I am well aware that a wee club like Brentford in London is not the same as the mighty Glasgow Rangers in Scotland”.

That’ll be the “wee Brentford” who helped keep the lights on at Sevco by paying £800,000 for Lewis Macleod earlier this year, DJ. Let’s have some perspective please…

Signing for a 'club' with money to spend
Signing for a ‘club’ with money to spend

But there’s more…

“He has worked in the financial markets in London and made himself a right few quid, by all accounts. He understands pressure.”

“I am excited about the future under Warburton and Weir, and that is something I haven’t been able to say in a long time at Rangers. I like the cut of his jib”.

DJ likes the cut of his jib. If that isn’t a high point in the entire history of sports punditry, I don’t know what is!

And it’s not just Warburton’s appointment that has given DJ a boost!

“When it was announced that Wigan ‘had accepted a bid’ for Kiernan by Rangers earlier this week I thought it was wonderful”

“It was the first time in nearly three years they had bid for a player. Okay, it was only for around £200,000, but things like that are great to hear as it suggests the club is heading in the right direction”.

Sadly DJ doesn’t dwell on any injury issues that Kiernan might have, nor does he mention the huge number of clubs he has journeyed around in recent years…

Rushing towards his next club
Rushing towards his next club

Perhaps DJ simply didn’t have the time to do this, given that he was falling over himself to welcome another new recruit?

“I was pleased to see Rangers had appointed Stewart Robertson, the former Motherwell secretary and director, as their managing director”.

“He is a qualified chartered accountant who has previously served on the SPL board. I think it is important for a sensible and professional individual to be in there overseeing the day-to-day running of the club”.

Ooh! Not only an accountant but a qualified one! AND HE’S ALSO CHARTERED!

Football administration has surely never seen innovation like it?!

So VERY 'Chartered'
So VERY ‘Chartered’

DJ also treats us to his usual rhetoric about the ‘bigness’ of Sevco:

“the mighty Glasgow Rangers”

“when they step up to play for a club like Rangers it is a different story”

“You need to have the right mentality to play for Rangers”

“if you don’t have the bottle and the character then there is no point joining Rangers”

“the size of the club Rangers is”.

It is, of course absolute guff. But it’s feel-good guff. And that is what is required when you think you have a right to be top dog, and all the available evidence points to the contrary.

It is also what is needed when there are season tickets to sell in very large numbers.

Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy Buy (please)!

Only once in his latest piece does DJ venture into the realms of reality.

“The only worry I have at the moment concerns the timescale he is working to. Is he going to be able to get in the players he needs for his side to be able play in an attractive manner?”

“Unless his targets have already been spoken to and asked to hold on, I just don’t know if he is going to be able to get in the quality he is looking for quickly enough.”


But there’s nothing about whether Sevco actually has enough money to bring in decent new players, and almost nothing about whether its esteemed chairman is going to make a sizeable contribution to the cause.

All we get is:

“I would think that because Dave is in South Africa there are only so many times he can come across to this country. But I am sure that he will take a great interest in the running of the club”

A great interest?

He’s the chairman of a public company!!! And is on record as having said he is going to invest sizeable sums… which are yet to appear.

Might do some running of the 'club'. And maybe of the 'company'.
Might do some running of the ‘club’. And maybe of the ‘company’ too.

While DJ is peddling upbeat pish to help sell season tickets, Sevconians might do well to why such a fundamental matter can (once again) be passed over with ease at such an uncertain time.

But maybe asking tough questions isn’t the ‘Rangers* way’?

“So Mr Nixon, can you tell me why you were such a brilliant President?”

Keep the searing insights coming DJ!

They stop the Evening Times from filling column inches with something even worse.



One thought on “Tales of the Entirely Expected

Comments are closed.