Neil Doncaster is not universally renowned for being a man of extraordinary talents.
However, today he pulled off a miracle.
Somehow, the SPFL managed to communicate the 2015-16 fixtures to its member ‘clubs’, and they have apparently started planning for the games.
“What’s so miraculous about that?” The Clumpany hears you ask.
Well, committed followers of Scottish football in recent years will be aware that football clubs simply do not exist in the real world. They only exist in the ether, on a different astral plane, in a parallel universe etc etc.
But most definitely not on planet Earth.
And they most certainly can’t engage in any real-world transactions. They can’t spend money, acquire debts, draw up contracts and side letters, and obey or break rules.
They are intangible. They are not of this reality.
They can’t even buy a football to kick around the pitch that they can’t own, and which they can’t pay people to mow.
So what was a highly-talented senior football administrator to do?
Clumpany sources have confirmed that Mr Doncaster spent the last week in a conference room with a strange assortment of priests, Buddhist monks, spiritualist mediums, shamans, witch doctors, astrophysicists, and Ralph Topping.
There was praying, chanting, incantations, seances, wailing and the use of magic potions.
And finally, somehow, a miracle was achieved!
“Hang on a moment!” I hear you say. “Why didn’t Mr Doncaster simply send the fixtures to the operating companies of the ‘clubs’? Or – at a push – the holding companies?”.
Mr Doncaster is a clever man and had already thought that through.
If he couldn’t get the fixtures to the ethereal ‘clubs’, how were mere ‘companies’ supposed to do it?
SPFL members’ operating and holding companies simply wouldn’t have had the resources to hire witchdoctors et al to try and communicate the fixture list to their ‘clubs’.
Not while there isn’t a ‘strong Rangers*’ spreading the ‘benefits’ of the ‘Blue Pound’ around the game…
But we can now relax. The miracle has occurred!
Well done Mr Doncaster!
And now that the fixtures are out, we can start looking forward to the new season. The endless ’empty’ days of summer will soon be over!
The Clumpany has already been down to the bookmakers to back next season’s winners.
It didn’t go well.
Having enquired about whether they accepted ethereal cash as stake money for bets on ethereal ‘clubs’, I was kicked out when I asked for odds on ‘Holding Company’, ‘Operating Company’ and ‘Engine Room Subsidiary’ to win their division.
Enjoy studying the fixtures, and