Kieran Tierney Is An Absolute Disgrace

Good Evening.

Word reaches Clumpany Towers of a troubling – if fictitious – post on a completely hypothetical Sevconian message board. 😉

Please don’t read this if you are of a nervous disposition.

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Kieran Tierney and the Mhanky Mob

Posted – 20:12 hrs on [insert any date in a bygone age]

Fuck me I am raging! It’s bad enough that the Tims got us demoted and are claiming their tainted titles are anything like our 54. It’s also outrageous that Liewell has bribed the SFA to make Tierney captain so he can make a few more quid to shovel into Desmond’s pockets when they sell him.

And it’s a disgrace that the Fenian press are bowing and scraping to the Co-op Dome by pretending Tierney is any good.

I can also imagine that when that fucking Sellick hotel opens, Glasgow fucking Council will build a monorail to it, and all the trains will have Tierney’s fucking grinning face on the side. State aid literally laughing in our faces.

I can’t believe our club is standing idly by in the face of this corruption. Who is this fucking Tierney? You’d think from all the hype he was a hero or something. The only hero he is like is Robin fucking Hood. A symbol of those who should know their place stealing from their betters. Fuck him and his club with their offside Lisbon goals.

However I didn’t even come on here to complain about any of that. But I am so fucking angry I couldn’t help myself. I actually came on here to complain about something else that Tierney has done. 

A mate of mine who knows a few of the unwashed tells me that Tierney had the chance to get a puppy but chose a kitten instead! Apparently a kitten wouldn’t need taking out and so was an easier option.

Fuck him! How disrespectful to our armed forces can you be? Especially at this time of year. How disgusting do you have to be to avoid displaying a puppy with pride?

Fuck the little cat. And fuck Tierney.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t just blame Tierney for this. This is really down to the club he plays for. They are always too embarrassed to display a puppy. Instead they make a conscience-saving donation to a dogs’ home every year.

They are fooling no one.

I bet they ban the players from watching Crufts every year and make them watch ‘Top Cat’ instead.

It’s disgusting. But rest assured fellow bears, I will be maintaining staunch standards. I’ve got a Pit Bull terrier puppy called ‘Dignity’ that I will be wearing with pride. And anyone who tries to tell me it’s inappropriate can get tae fuck.

It’s all about showing proper respect and making sure everyone else knows that they need to live up to our standards, isn’t it?

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If you think the above is ridiculous, try this… Celtic hit back over claims they photoshopped Kieran Tierney picture to remove his poppy

And for anyone on a crusade to be offended, I suggest you now read my previous blog… Oh No! Not A Poppy Blog…

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Pssst! Wanna Buy Kieran Tierney?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has been informed of an outbreak of unauthorised traders in Glasgow.

Reports reach Clumpany Towers that unsuspecting citizens are getting a sudden tap on their shoulder. And when they look around they see a member of the Scottish sports media asking if they are English and want to buy Kieran Tierney so that he can play South of the Border.

Anyone who says they aren’t English is quizzed as to whether they know anyone who is English who might buy Tierney and then pass him to a Premier League or Championship team.

And if they still can’t help the exasperated media pundit, they are offered money to hire a car, drive Tierney down south and sell him into English football any way they can.

Anything to get Tierney out of Celtic and towards his apparent ‘destiny’ in England…

But the sales drive doesn’t stop there.

Apparently the football shows on Scottish radio have bought a series of franchises in England and a warehouse full of jamming equipment to disrupt other stations. They plan to ensure that wherever you live in England, if you listen to the radio you will hear an appeal for buyers for Kieran Tierney.

Not only that, but apparently EastEnders is to feature a special BBC Scotland-sponsored Kieran Tierney storyline in which the entire population of Albert Square sell all their internal organs to raise enough cash to buy Tierney for their favourite (deliberately-unspecified) East London club.

What’s more, Scottish football journalists are also understood to be prepared to mount vigils outside English football grounds on Transfer Deadline Day and – if necessary – force the Sky employee to report that Tierney has left Celtic for England.

When asked about these rumours, an insider at one of Scotland’s premier sports media outlets told The Clumpany “You only have to read or listen to these guys for a few moments to know they are desperate to see Tierney leave Celtic.

“They can’t even begin to think about enduring a scenario where he plays for Celtic for years on end.

“And to be honest, the idea of him staying for two or three more years and then leaving for genuine megabucks is also really upsetting. So they really want to talk up his departure NOW!”

When asked about The Clumpany’s findings, a representative of the Scottish football media asked The Clumpany if the ether extended to England, and – if so – whether I would like to buy Kieran Tierney.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…