Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Alex McLeish Isn’t Desperate

Good Evening.

I had a call from my good pal Alan today. It was nice to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages. 😉

He was excited because he had seen Alex McLeish as he was walking past Hampden Park, and he wanted to tell me about a conversation he’d overheard between McLeish and a passing football fan.

Alan said he was happy for me to pass on the details to the Clumping community on strict condition that I made it absolutely clear that McLeish is NOT desperate to be the next Scotland manager.

>>>>>>

Fan: “Hi Alex. Good to see you! You here at Hampden for an interview to be the next Scotland manager?”

McLeish: “Errr no. I was just passing. Although I am open to the idea of doing the job again.”

Fan: “Only I have seen you all over the papers talking about it..”

McLeish: Being in all the papers talking about a magnificent post that any Scot would be proud to fill does not mean I really want it. I am simply open to the idea.”

Fan: “But you must fancy it? All that travel, prestige and the big salary!”

McLeish:I wouldn’t describe myself as closed to the idea. In fact I am open to it.”

Fan: “And then there’s your EBT tax bill to pay. That must be a good few quid. A tidy number like the Scotland job would be a godsend for you right now wouldn’t it?”

McLeish: [*Glares*]

Fan: “Ach, I’m only joking big man. The club probably indemnified you against the bill didn’t they? Not that terrible holding company thing . But you must be quite tempted to replace wee Gordon? In fact I can’t blame you for being well up for it!”

McLeish: “I wouldn’t say I was up for it. Or down.”

Fan:Of course not. You’ve done ‘down’ before though, haven’t you? Heading down south, for example, to take the Birmingham job when you were manager of that northern place… What was it called? Ah yes! Scotland! When you were manager of Scotland.”

McLeish: “I’ve moved around and I am always open to possibilities. Such as being the manager of Scotland.”

Fan:Admit it man! You’re desperate for that job! You can’t wait to start!”

McLeish: “I’m not desperate. I am merely open to the possibility of taking the role if asked. I am quite relaxed about it.”

Fan: I see you are wearing a full Scotland kit and carrying bagpipes outside Hampden, Alex. You are really keen aren’t you?”

McLeish: “I’m not keen. But I am certainly open to the truly wonderful post should it be presented to me like manna from Heaven.”

Fan: “So what’s with the outfit then? You look like you are embarrassing yourself in a shameless bid to get the top job.”

McLeish: This outfit? Oh this is just the first thing I grabbed out of the wardrobe this morning. It isn’t trying to issue a forlorn plea to the wonderful SFA Board to come and get me.”

Fan: “Are you certain about that?”

McLeish: “Of course. Although I remain open to all managing-Scotland possibilities.”

Fan: “So that wasn’t you polishing Stewart Regan’s car this morning?”

McLeish: “I am open to polishing Scotland’s fortunes and getting them to Euro 2020.”

Fan: “And that wasn’t you throwing rose petals in front of Rod Petrie and Alan McRae as they walked through the car park earlier?”

McLeish:I am open to helping Scotland to come up smelling of roses. If asked.”

Fan: “So you are absolutely, definitely, NOT desperate to become Scotland manager and will NOT publicly embarrass yourself in pursuit of the job, Alex?”

McLeish: “Absolutely not”.

Fan: “So it will be no biggie if the SFA tells you to p*ss off and gives the job to Malky Mckay on a permanent basis instead?”

And at that point, it turned out that Alex McLeish WAS open to crying like a baby in public…

>>>>>>

Let’s all thank Alan for the update!

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Brendan Rodgers: Scotland Manager

Good Evening.

Have you ever wondered what the next step up from ‘clickbait’ might be when it comes to the output of the Scottish sports media?

I have. And today I think I may have found an answer.

The answer appears to be “unadulteratedly embarrassing shite”. 😉

And here it is…

SFA should ask Celtic boss Brendan Rodgers if he wants the Scotland job

In which Scott McDermott throws out a few names for the extremely uncoveted role of international stunt man prepared to take a fall for the SFA one day. A post which is also known as “The Scotland Football Manager”.

Mr McDermott’s list – if you can attribute such systematic thinking to the piece – includes a variety of familiar, exotic, edgy and clearly unattainable names.

The latter category includes someone who ends up being the heart of the attempted article: a certain undefeated treble-winning, twice-Champions League-qualifying Celtic manager who also has credentials from English Premier League clubs.

Yes, that’s right. The piece says some random stuff about how it wouldn’t hurt the SFA to try asking Brendan Rodgers about doing the Scotland job alongside the Celtic responsibilities to which he appears deeply committed, and to which he seems to recommit on an almost hourly basis!

Hmmm….

Well, Mr McDermott, let us note the following:

  • Brendan Rodgers’ employers have multiple reasons (both contractual and in terms of a shameful lack of even-handed governance) to tell the SFA to fuck off as far as possible and then a bit further; and
  • Brendan himself has some modicum of ambition beyond being the next blazer-wearing scapegoat for years of failure by the SFA’s international side…

And let us therefore conclude that you really would be just as well printing a picture of Mr Spoon – noted traveller to Button Moon – in your paper and explaining why there is no harm in asking him to do the job instead. After all, he might accept, and he might be brilliant at it.

What’s the harm in asking, eh?

Alternatively, perhaps we could ask a VHS cassette of the film ‘Braveheart’ to be the next Scotland manager? Sure, it might be a bit old-school and rough around the edges, but you couldn’t fault the passion that it would put on display. Assuming you could find a VHS player…

There’s no harm in asking the VHS cassette there?

Then again, maybe the Dark Lord Sauron could be approached? Yes he is a fictional character, and yes he did once come a cropper merely by virtue of a ring being cut off his finger. But he’s a ‘name’ isn’t he? Look at the alternatives! Gollum? Frodo Baggins? Elves? Surely Sauron is the man to ask about being the next Scotland manager?

What’s the worst he could do? Try and lay waste to a fictitious land like others have tried to trash a sport through imperfectly registered players?

I am sure you will agree that there is no harm in asking Sauron whether he fancies the job…

Of course, the other option available to the Sunday Mail in its search for a column inch-filling ‘solution’ to Scotland’s managerial vacancy might be to simply print a picture of a pile of manure (the bigger and more steaming the better) and ask its readers “do you smell shite?”.

Some sort of meaningful insight is bound to result from the debate on such an appropriately-framed question.

Isn’t it?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Exclusive Interview With Stewart Regan

Good Evening.

Stewart Regan undertook some media engagements this morning. In them, he commented upon the SFA’s refusal to engage with a requested review into the governance of Scottish football in recent years.

Afterwards, Mr Regan didn’t sit down for a chat with The Clumpany.

However, had he done so, it might have gone something like this…

>>>>>>

TC:“So Mr Regan, why on Earth would you reject a request on behalf of the senior league clubs in Scotland to participate in an independent review of how the game has been governed during one of the most tumultuous periods in its genuine, non-bought history?”

Regan:“It would be ridiculous to suggest a conspiracy.”

TC:“No one suggested a conspiracy Mr Regan. The SPFL requested an independent review of various matters of governance as a way of learning lessons and safeguarding against future events.”

Regan:“I am sorry, but you have no proof that we are hiding the existence of the Loch Ness Monster to protect the SFA.”

TC:“Did I mention the Loch Ness Monster, Mr Regan?”

Regan:“And the SFA is not covering up anything to do with the Roswell Incident in 1947. We behaved in an entirely proper way during that period.”

TC:“The Roswell Incident is entirely irrelevant here although I suspect Billy Davies blames it in some way for him still being out of football management. Anyway, about that review of the governance of the national sport of Scotland for which you have responsibility…”

Regan:“I am sorry, but I really must stop you there. I have never stood on a knoll – grassy or otherwise. To link me or the SFA to the sad demise of President John F. Kennedy is absolutely outrageous.”

TC:“But I didn’t do that. I simply wanted to ask why you don’t want to engage with a transparent exercise which will address any wrongdoing in the past, and reassure everyone that Scottish football will be fair in the future.”

Regan:“There you go again. I can reassure you that no one on the SFA Board is a malevolent shape-shifting lizard in disguise. It is scandalous to suggest otherwise.”

TC:“Is that an ultraviolet lamp you are sitting under, Mr Regan?”

Regan:“What? No. It’s… err… just ambient lighting that suits my complexion. Have you tried living in Scotland with its terrible sunlight? But anyway, how dare you suggest that Campbell Ogilvie never landed on the Moon. Have you seen the number of complete rockets at Hampden?”

TC:“I think we will leave it there, Mr Regan.”

Regan:“What? You can’t do that! This is a conspiracy to make me look ridiculous isn’t it?”

>>>>>>

And if you think that is a complete piss-take, take a look at this:

Regan dismisses ‘ludicrous’ conspiracy theories as he sets out why SFA won’t join review

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Clumpany Matters, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Independent Review Of The Clumpany

CLUMPANY STATEMENT

To whom it may concern.

As you are aware, The Clumpany has received correspondence from a representative body and someone else (who I won’t mention *cough cough*) asking for my input into a review of Clumpany governance and other activities.

The suggestion made by this correspondence is that

  • The Clumpany is shit,
  • its Clumping has been substandard for some time; and that
  • following various developments in the wider world of football satire and commentary, it is time to take a long hard look at all things to do with The Clumposphere.

The proposed review would be undertaken with a view to improving the quality of Clumping in the Scottish footballing ether.

The Clumpany has carefully considered this request, and has had an extremely vigorous debate with itself, considering all aspects of its responsibilities such as pouring Buckie, adding bleach, and drinking it.

The conclusion of these serious deliberations is that The Clumpany will not participate in any review of The Clumpany. Such an exercise would simply rake over the coals of an imaginary coal-and-rake scenario, and if that isn’t an argument for inaction The Clumpany doesn’t know what is.

The Clumpany would also like to point out that the quality of its Clumping has been absolutely Clumptastic according to my stringent systems of self-regulation and self-regard.

In fact it has been Clump, Clump, Clumpity-Clump Clumptastic!

However, The Clumpany has not been complacent about the criticism to which it has been subjected. The Clumpany sets the highest standards for itself, although there is no need for it to articulate those standards. And if they can somehow be portrayed as reflecting the standards expected by others, that’s lovely.

The Clumpany has recently made numerous changes to its processes and quality management and The Clumpany is happy to assert that they address all the issues which have been raised about it.

Frankly, that’s all you really need to know.

However, in the interests of the sort of transparency for which The Clumpany is rightly legendary, The Clumpany will set out the improvements it has made:

  1. The Clumpany has graciously noted the existence of its critics.
  2. The Clumpany has written this statement responding to the concerns which have been raised.
  3. The Clumpany has used words such as ‘transparency’ and ‘quality’.
  4. The Clumpany is assuring you that The Clumpany knows best and will therefore correctly not be a party to any exercise which might suggest otherwise.
  5. The Clumpany expects you to accept points 1-4.

The Clumpany trusts that this will be the end of the matter. However, The Clumpany is happy to restate its position to anyone who won’t rip it to shreds as being a pile of crap which only compounds blindingly obviously problems.

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

How To Manage The Scottish Sports Media

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is delighted to be acting as the recruitment agent for an exciting new fictitious media management opportunity at Sevco.

Please see the below details.

>>>>>

Position: Media Management Executive at one-time basket of assets.

Number of posts available: Three (see 'responsibilities' below).

Location: The Very Democratic People's Kingdom of Sevconia.

Salary: Um, well, errr… oh look, you need to get on with reading the rest of the advert.

Benefits: A 'free' breakfast (world class) is available for a daily charge.

Pension: Yes, some of our players are near to drawing theirs.

Start date: Immediate, but your career history can be backdated to 1872 if you wish. We have a very creative approach to such matters.

Duration: Our spin will survive the final heat death of the Universe.

Training: Our highly experienced Traynor will sort you out. 😉

Responsibilities:

The world's most successful* 'club' has recently initiated a strategy to manage the output of the Scottish sports media to within half an inch of its life. In doing so, they are building on their previous success in managing its output to within a full inch of its life.

The centrepiece of this progressive approach is to film journalists during press conferences so that everyone can be absolutely clear about who exactly said what.

Post One

To reinforce this positive innovation – known as 'Operation You Can't be Too Careful'the 'club' is now seeking a second cameraman to film the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

The post holder will focus the mind of the first cameraman and sure that there is absolutely no chance of any press pack 'misdeeds' (as defined by us) going unrecorded.

Post Two

Our comprehensive approach to news management necessitates the appointment of a 'quality assurance' technician. The post holder will be a skilled cameraman responsible for filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

Post Three

The final piece of our master plan to ensure totally anodyne coverage of the 'club' will be the appointment of a 'quality control' specialist. The post holder will be an experienced cameraman responsible for filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

The successful applicant must possess versatility and be able to scrawl over journalists' notes with a black marker pen and shout 'no one leaves until their story is correct' when required.

Applications to: Clumpany Towers (Satirical Recruitment Division).

Applications which are not submitted on the label of a full bottle of Buckie will be rejected unread.

Time-wasters only please.

>>>>>>

Any takers?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

 

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

The Shite Before Christmas…


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has bad news for children across the land.

Apparently everyone's favourite festive hero Santa Claus is introducing a new approach to his work this Christmas.

He won't accept childrens' Christmas wish lists this year because he considered lists previously. The fact that circumstances have changed, and that the children see their earlier lists as competently defective – if not utterly irrelevant – is unfortunately immaterial as far as he is concerned.

Santa has taken advice from a non-Lapland lawyer and he has to inform the youth of Scotland that he cannot reopen the issue of Christmas lists. Not that Santa views this as a problem. Indeed he believes that there is no appetite for him to consider Christmas lists this year, and he expects Scottish youngsters to move on to Easter.

Santa does however have a gargantuan appetite for your contribution to his work. He therefore requests that you leave an extra mince pie and a whole bottle of Buckie out for him this year. You don't need to bother with a carrot for Rudolph, though.

"Fuck Rudolph" said Santa. "As long as I'm having an easy life, I don't care about the welfare of anyone else or indeed the integrity of this whole 'Christmas' malarkey'."

Merry Christmas everybody.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

Media, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Awaiting Your Instructions


Good Afternoon.

One of the most preposterous things said in relation to calls for an investigation and possible title-stripping following the Supreme Court’s ruling on the Big Tax Case has been the following:

“Chris will helpfully bring us the latest”. 😉

Of course, I jest. It was actually “Grant! You’ll put everyone in the picture, won’t you?”. 😉

I jest once again.

It is actually the notion that the authorities will act if there is sufficient pressure from clubs/ fans for it.

Now, I am no expert in horsesh*t. But I know a steaming pile when I see one. Particularly if it has an army of (very smelly) squirrels climbing all over it.

It is truly astonishing that anyone could have sufficient contempt for common sense, sport and the intelligence of their audience to utter the words and expect anyone to take them seriously!

And it is even more outrageous that the footballing authorities are able to hide behind this crap rather than be relentlessly pursued for a coherent account of themselves and a commitment to take serious action.

But that is the situation in which we seem to find ourselves at present.

Surely the questions should always be “has wrong apparently been done? How can we test this? What sanctions can be applied if wrongdoing is proven?”

…rather than sitting there in glorious inaction until your hand is forced?

What is the point of rules, regulatory bodies and a supposedly inquisitive media if staring at your shoes until the paying customers make you do something is seen as a perfectly rational and acceptable approach?

I’ll tell you.

There is none.

Whatever next?

  • Referees only awarding legitimate goals if there is sufficient pressure for it? [Actually, let’s not give the SFA any ideas…]
  • Taxi drivers declining to take a passenger home, and just sitting on the rank with the engine running until thousands of the fare’s mates start shouting at them?
  • The police receiving reports of a murder (or ‘a Tweet’ depending on your preferred level of melodrama), and refusing to do anything until enough people phone insisting that they have to look into it?
  • Juries in criminal trials lounging around in the jury room drinking Buckie until the weight of popular opinion forces them to make a decision?
  • An invaded country only bothering to defend itself if enough folk email the authorities to take action?

The entire national sport of Scotland and those who follow it are being taken for mugs. 

You know that, I know that, and I suspect that everyone working at Hampden and in the sports media knows it too.

As a result, it is good to see the Scottish Football Supporters Association (whose survey I commend) doing their stuff, alongside the dynamic new Strip The Titles initiative, and the fans of many clubs [NB I have been particularly impressed by some of the Dons’ fans].

This is clearly the time to apply – and keep up – the pressure.

Inaction by the fans – and by the clubs they may have squandered millions following in a seemingly rigged game – merely endorses the authorities’ inertia. It does this because it leaves the authorities unquestioned and unchallenged. And it does so because it appears that the vast majority of the ‘heroic’ Scottish sports media simply cannot be trusted to do anything other than desperately try to avoid rocking the boat.

Shame on them.

And well done to everyone fighting for justice.  Keep it up!

Even if it means crowdfunding a judicial review.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Do take a few minutes to complete the Scottish Football Supporters’ Association survey, which you can find by clicking here.