Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Exclusive Interview With Stewart Regan

Good Evening.

Stewart Regan undertook some media engagements this morning. In them, he commented upon the SFA’s refusal to engage with a requested review into the governance of Scottish football in recent years.

Afterwards, Mr Regan didn’t sit down for a chat with The Clumpany.

However, had he done so, it might have gone something like this…

>>>>>>

TC:“So Mr Regan, why on Earth would you reject a request on behalf of the senior league clubs in Scotland to participate in an independent review of how the game has been governed during one of the most tumultuous periods in its genuine, non-bought history?”

Regan:“It would be ridiculous to suggest a conspiracy.”

TC:“No one suggested a conspiracy Mr Regan. The SPFL requested an independent review of various matters of governance as a way of learning lessons and safeguarding against future events.”

Regan:“I am sorry, but you have no proof that we are hiding the existence of the Loch Ness Monster to protect the SFA.”

TC:“Did I mention the Loch Ness Monster, Mr Regan?”

Regan:“And the SFA is not covering up anything to do with the Roswell Incident in 1947. We behaved in an entirely proper way during that period.”

TC:“The Roswell Incident is entirely irrelevant here although I suspect Billy Davies blames it in some way for him still being out of football management. Anyway, about that review of the governance of the national sport of Scotland for which you have responsibility…”

Regan:“I am sorry, but I really must stop you there. I have never stood on a knoll – grassy or otherwise. To link me or the SFA to the sad demise of President John F. Kennedy is absolutely outrageous.”

TC:“But I didn’t do that. I simply wanted to ask why you don’t want to engage with a transparent exercise which will address any wrongdoing in the past, and reassure everyone that Scottish football will be fair in the future.”

Regan:“There you go again. I can reassure you that no one on the SFA Board is a malevolent shape-shifting lizard in disguise. It is scandalous to suggest otherwise.”

TC:“Is that an ultraviolet lamp you are sitting under, Mr Regan?”

Regan:“What? No. It’s… err… just ambient lighting that suits my complexion. Have you tried living in Scotland with its terrible sunlight? But anyway, how dare you suggest that Campbell Ogilvie never landed on the Moon. Have you seen the number of complete rockets at Hampden?”

TC:“I think we will leave it there, Mr Regan.”

Regan:“What? You can’t do that! This is a conspiracy to make me look ridiculous isn’t it?”

>>>>>>

And if you think that is a complete piss-take, take a look at this:

Regan dismisses ‘ludicrous’ conspiracy theories as he sets out why SFA won’t join review

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Clumpany Matters, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

An Independent Review Of The Clumpany

CLUMPANY STATEMENT

To whom it may concern.

As you are aware, The Clumpany has received correspondence from a representative body and someone else (who I won’t mention *cough cough*) asking for my input into a review of Clumpany governance and other activities.

The suggestion made by this correspondence is that

  • The Clumpany is shit,
  • its Clumping has been substandard for some time; and that
  • following various developments in the wider world of football satire and commentary, it is time to take a long hard look at all things to do with The Clumposphere.

The proposed review would be undertaken with a view to improving the quality of Clumping in the Scottish footballing ether.

The Clumpany has carefully considered this request, and has had an extremely vigorous debate with itself, considering all aspects of its responsibilities such as pouring Buckie, adding bleach, and drinking it.

The conclusion of these serious deliberations is that The Clumpany will not participate in any review of The Clumpany. Such an exercise would simply rake over the coals of an imaginary coal-and-rake scenario, and if that isn’t an argument for inaction The Clumpany doesn’t know what is.

The Clumpany would also like to point out that the quality of its Clumping has been absolutely Clumptastic according to my stringent systems of self-regulation and self-regard.

In fact it has been Clump, Clump, Clumpity-Clump Clumptastic!

However, The Clumpany has not been complacent about the criticism to which it has been subjected. The Clumpany sets the highest standards for itself, although there is no need for it to articulate those standards. And if they can somehow be portrayed as reflecting the standards expected by others, that’s lovely.

The Clumpany has recently made numerous changes to its processes and quality management and The Clumpany is happy to assert that they address all the issues which have been raised about it.

Frankly, that’s all you really need to know.

However, in the interests of the sort of transparency for which The Clumpany is rightly legendary, The Clumpany will set out the improvements it has made:

  1. The Clumpany has graciously noted the existence of its critics.
  2. The Clumpany has written this statement responding to the concerns which have been raised.
  3. The Clumpany has used words such as ‘transparency’ and ‘quality’.
  4. The Clumpany is assuring you that The Clumpany knows best and will therefore correctly not be a party to any exercise which might suggest otherwise.
  5. The Clumpany expects you to accept points 1-4.

The Clumpany trusts that this will be the end of the matter. However, The Clumpany is happy to restate its position to anyone who won’t rip it to shreds as being a pile of crap which only compounds blindingly obviously problems.

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

How To Manage The Scottish Sports Media

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is delighted to be acting as the recruitment agent for an exciting new fictitious media management opportunity at Sevco.

Please see the below details.

>>>>>

Position: Media Management Executive at one-time basket of assets.

Number of posts available: Three (see 'responsibilities' below).

Location: The Very Democratic People's Kingdom of Sevconia.

Salary: Um, well, errr… oh look, you need to get on with reading the rest of the advert.

Benefits: A 'free' breakfast (world class) is available for a daily charge.

Pension: Yes, some of our players are near to drawing theirs.

Start date: Immediate, but your career history can be backdated to 1872 if you wish. We have a very creative approach to such matters.

Duration: Our spin will survive the final heat death of the Universe.

Training: Our highly experienced Traynor will sort you out. 😉

Responsibilities:

The world's most successful* 'club' has recently initiated a strategy to manage the output of the Scottish sports media to within half an inch of its life. In doing so, they are building on their previous success in managing its output to within a full inch of its life.

The centrepiece of this progressive approach is to film journalists during press conferences so that everyone can be absolutely clear about who exactly said what.

Post One

To reinforce this positive innovation – known as 'Operation You Can't be Too Careful'the 'club' is now seeking a second cameraman to film the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

The post holder will focus the mind of the first cameraman and sure that there is absolutely no chance of any press pack 'misdeeds' (as defined by us) going unrecorded.

Post Two

Our comprehensive approach to news management necessitates the appointment of a 'quality assurance' technician. The post holder will be a skilled cameraman responsible for filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

Post Three

The final piece of our master plan to ensure totally anodyne coverage of the 'club' will be the appointment of a 'quality control' specialist. The post holder will be an experienced cameraman responsible for filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the cameraman who is filming the journalists.

The successful applicant must possess versatility and be able to scrawl over journalists' notes with a black marker pen and shout 'no one leaves until their story is correct' when required.

Applications to: Clumpany Towers (Satirical Recruitment Division).

Applications which are not submitted on the label of a full bottle of Buckie will be rejected unread.

Time-wasters only please.

>>>>>>

Any takers?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

 

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

The Shite Before Christmas…


Good Evening.

The Clumpany has bad news for children across the land.

Apparently everyone's favourite festive hero Santa Claus is introducing a new approach to his work this Christmas.

He won't accept childrens' Christmas wish lists this year because he considered lists previously. The fact that circumstances have changed, and that the children see their earlier lists as competently defective – if not utterly irrelevant – is unfortunately immaterial as far as he is concerned.

Santa has taken advice from a non-Lapland lawyer and he has to inform the youth of Scotland that he cannot reopen the issue of Christmas lists. Not that Santa views this as a problem. Indeed he believes that there is no appetite for him to consider Christmas lists this year, and he expects Scottish youngsters to move on to Easter.

Santa does however have a gargantuan appetite for your contribution to his work. He therefore requests that you leave an extra mince pie and a whole bottle of Buckie out for him this year. You don't need to bother with a carrot for Rudolph, though.

"Fuck Rudolph" said Santa. "As long as I'm having an easy life, I don't care about the welfare of anyone else or indeed the integrity of this whole 'Christmas' malarkey'."

Merry Christmas everybody.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it's just a bit of fun…

Media, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Awaiting Your Instructions


Good Afternoon.

One of the most preposterous things said in relation to calls for an investigation and possible title-stripping following the Supreme Court’s ruling on the Big Tax Case has been the following:

“Chris will helpfully bring us the latest”. πŸ˜‰

Of course, I jest. It was actually “Grant! You’ll put everyone in the picture, won’t you?”. πŸ˜‰

I jest once again.

It is actually the notion that the authorities will act if there is sufficient pressure from clubs/ fans for it.

Now, I am no expert in horsesh*t. But I know a steaming pile when I see one. Particularly if it has an army of (very smelly) squirrels climbing all over it.

It is truly astonishing that anyone could have sufficient contempt for common sense, sport and the intelligence of their audience to utter the words and expect anyone to take them seriously!

And it is even more outrageous that the footballing authorities are able to hide behind this crap rather than be relentlessly pursued for a coherent account of themselves and a commitment to take serious action.

But that is the situation in which we seem to find ourselves at present.

Surely the questions should always be “has wrong apparently been done? How can we test this? What sanctions can be applied if wrongdoing is proven?”

…rather than sitting there in glorious inaction until your hand is forced?

What is the point of rules, regulatory bodies and a supposedly inquisitive media if staring at your shoes until the paying customers make you do something is seen as a perfectly rational and acceptable approach?

I’ll tell you.

There is none.

Whatever next?

  • Referees only awarding legitimate goals if there is sufficient pressure for it? [Actually, let’s not give the SFA any ideas…]
  • Taxi drivers declining to take a passenger home, and just sitting on the rank with the engine running until thousands of the fare’s mates start shouting at them?
  • The police receiving reports of a murder (or ‘a Tweet’ depending on your preferred level of melodrama), and refusing to do anything until enough people phone insisting that they have to look into it?
  • Juries in criminal trials lounging around in the jury room drinking Buckie until the weight of popular opinion forces them to make a decision?
  • An invaded country only bothering to defend itself if enough folk email the authorities to take action?

The entire national sport of Scotland and those who follow it are being taken for mugs. 

You know that, I know that, and I suspect that everyone working at Hampden and in the sports media knows it too.

As a result, it is good to see the Scottish Football Supporters Association (whose survey I commend) doing their stuff, alongside the dynamic new Strip The Titles initiative, and the fans of many clubs [NB I have been particularly impressed by some of the Dons’ fans].

This is clearly the time to apply – and keep up – the pressure.

Inaction by the fans – and by the clubs they may have squandered millions following in a seemingly rigged game – merely endorses the authorities’ inertia. It does this because it leaves the authorities unquestioned and unchallenged. And it does so because it appears that the vast majority of the ‘heroic’ Scottish sports media simply cannot be trusted to do anything other than desperately try to avoid rocking the boat.

Shame on them.

And well done to everyone fighting for justice.  Keep it up!

Even if it means crowdfunding a judicial review.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Do take a few minutes to complete the Scottish Football Supporters’ Association survey, which you can find by clicking here.

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Why The SFA Can’t Take Action Against Rangers (IL)


Good Evening.

The Clumpany assumes that no effort will be spared in finding and articulating reasons why the SFA can’t take any action against Rangers (IL) and their haul of trophies following today’s Supreme Court ruling on the ‘Big Tax Case’.

The SFA has already issued a statement which has bewildered many, and caused others to piss their pants (ethereal or otherwise). Amongst other things, it says

“The clear opinion of Senior Counsel is that there is a very limited chance of the Scottish FA succeeding in relation to any complaint regarding this matter and that, even if successful, any sanctions available to a Judicial Panel would also be limited in their scope.

Accordingly, having had time to consider the opinion from Senior Counsel, and having examined the judgment of the UK Supreme Court, the Board has determined that no further disciplinary action should be taken by the Scottish FA at this time.”

In view of this, The Clumpany wonders what other ‘compelling’ detailed arguments might be advanced against taking disciplinary action in response to the grotesque spectacle of a football club paying out millions of pounds in wrongly-untaxed wages to players.

Here are a few suggestions… πŸ˜‰

We’d love to, but our dog ate the paperwork.

We had no mobile signal so missed what happened.

And when we did have a signal, the battery in our phone ran out and there was a toaster plugged into all the electricity sockets. So we couldn’t recharge it.

The traffic was terrible and the Highway Code has no provision for taking action against Rangers.

We didn’t have the right change for the ‘Rangers sanctions’ machine. Original 1872 pennies are a bastard to find these days.

You want us to take action in THESE shoes?

The train was cancelled. You can’t address football club misdemeanours on a replacement bus.

It rained and we didn’t have an umbrella so we stayed at home. Our remote access didn’t work and so we couldn’t take any action against Rangers.

We got watching daytime TV. And you know how it is. We lost all track of time. Great ‘Bargain Hunt’ today though!

Eventually we set off for the office and popped into the supermarket en route. You should have seen the queue! We were in there for an eternity!

By the time we got out of the supermarket, the office would have closed for the day. So we popped into the pub, where we played The Beatles’ ‘Taxman’ over and over on the jukebox when we could have been discussing Rangers’ misdeeds instead.

Later, we were just about to leave the pub when we saw someone who we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them rather than get home and do some Rangers disciplinary work on the laptop.

And then – you’ll never guess what, we know it sounds unbelievable, but – we were just about to leave the pub again when we saw someone else we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them too.

And of course, those unexpected reunions couldn’t end without one for the road.

And then we went for a curry afterwards.

And then on to a club.

We woke up on a park bench with no idea where we were, so what were we supposed to do? We couldn’t exactly pursue sanctions on Rangers in that situation could we?

We eventually found a taxi driver to get us to the office for 9am but he couldn’t find it. No, really…

Then it turned out we had lost our keys, so we couldn’t even get in to take any disciplinary action.

To be honest, we then needed to have a good sleep to recover.

You can’t strip honours with a hangover, after all. Can you?

In any case, we were watching The Simpsons one day and we are sure Lionel Hutz said there was literally no mechanism for taking any action against Rangers.

Anyway, look at the shiny shiny thing! You all want to play in the Scottish Cup don’t you? Our lovely money-spinning competition… You should concentrate on that.

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun reacting to the surreal nature of Scottish football…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Mr Greedy’s Title-Stripping Appetite


One day, Mr Greedy woke up to find that he was very hungry indeed.

Mr Greedy felt hungry every morning. He also felt hungry in the afternoons and in the evenings too.

Mr Greedy knew that he could stop feeling hungry for a while by having a very big breakfast. So he had four packets of cornflakes, twelve slices of toast, six eggs, and ten rashers of bacon washed down with a gallon of tea.

“That was delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But then Mr Greedy became concerned.

Because he was still feeling extremely hungry!

So he decided to have another breakfast. He ate twenty-four Weetabix, ten slices of toast and marmalade, and a dozen eggs. He also gulped down five pints of orange juice.

“That was also delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But he was still feeling hungry. This did not normally happen to Mr Greedy so soon after one large breakfast, let alone two! 

A little worried, Mr Greedy decided to distract himself by going into town and going some shopping for his dinner.

As he wandered between the shops Mr Greedy bumped into Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer who worked for the local media, and who were reading the day’s sports news with a worried look.

Mr Greedy told them about the strange new hunger he was experiencing. 

“Well we can assure you that it’s definitely not a hunger for Rangers title-stripping” said Mr Liquidation-Denial.

“Yes that’s right” said Mr Squirrel-Writer. “You are a sensible chap who has no appetite for that. Is that a squirrel behind you? I’d be more worried about that if I were you.”

Mr Greedy couldn’t see a squirrel, and he carried on with his shopping. He then bumped into Mr Alltoo-Difficult who works at the Scottish Football Association and who had a big frown on his face.

Mr Greedy – eating a catering-sized box of Mars Bars as a snack – told him about his mysterious hunger. 

“Well at least we can rule out a case of hunger for Rangers title-stripping, Mr Greedy. You definitely have no appetite for that!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult.

“That’s funny” said Mr Greedy. “That’s exactly what Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer said to me a few minutes ago! Have you been talking to them?”

“Absolutely not!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult. “That’s just a massive coincidence. Now, why don’t you move on [*cough cough cough*]… errr… to the next shop and don’t worry about your strange hunger?”

Mr Greedy went into the newsagent’s to buy another dozen Mars Bars. Suddenly, he noticed the front page of a newspaper which talked about cuts to various public services.

As he left the shop, Mr Greedy suddenly felt absolutely ravenous even though he had just stuffed down another seven Mars Bars. 

And then he realised the cause of his unusual hunger! Mr Liquidation-Denial, Mr Squirrel-Writer and Mr Alltoo-Difficult had been wrong! Presumably they had been wrong completely by accident and in an uncoordinated way, but they were wrong!

Because Mr Greedy had a gargantuan appetite for Rangers title-stripping! 

Mr Greedy didn’t see why everyone else had to pay their taxes for essential public services when the late Rangers Football Club could avoid it and still keep their trophies!

In fact, Mr Greedy thought that this was an absolute piss-take of the highest order and that Scottish football and society as a whole deserved better.

Mr Greedy was hungry for justice. So he decided there and then to lobby his favourite football club to ensure that justice was delivered.

And when Mr Greedy has an appetite for something, he doesn’t let it go until it is satisfied…

>>>>>>

You know what to do, everybody…

Oh yes, and spare a thought for Jim Traynor. πŸ˜‰ 

#KeepOnClumping