Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Why The SFA Can’t Take Action Against Rangers (IL)

Good Evening.

The Clumpany assumes that no effort will be spared in finding and articulating reasons why the SFA can’t take any action against Rangers (IL) and their haul of trophies following today’s Supreme Court ruling on the ‘Big Tax Case’.

The SFA has already issued a statement which has bewildered many, and caused others to piss their pants (ethereal or otherwise). Amongst other things, it says

“The clear opinion of Senior Counsel is that there is a very limited chance of the Scottish FA succeeding in relation to any complaint regarding this matter and that, even if successful, any sanctions available to a Judicial Panel would also be limited in their scope.

Accordingly, having had time to consider the opinion from Senior Counsel, and having examined the judgment of the UK Supreme Court, the Board has determined that no further disciplinary action should be taken by the Scottish FA at this time.”

In view of this, The Clumpany wonders what other ‘compelling’ detailed arguments might be advanced against taking disciplinary action in response to the grotesque spectacle of a football club paying out millions of pounds in wrongly-untaxed wages to players.

Here are a few suggestions… 😉

We’d love to, but our dog ate the paperwork.

We had no mobile signal so missed what happened.

And when we did have a signal, the battery in our phone ran out and there was a toaster plugged into all the electricity sockets. So we couldn’t recharge it.

The traffic was terrible and the Highway Code has no provision for taking action against Rangers.

We didn’t have the right change for the ‘Rangers sanctions’ machine. Original 1872 pennies are a bastard to find these days.

You want us to take action in THESE shoes?

The train was cancelled. You can’t address football club misdemeanours on a replacement bus.

It rained and we didn’t have an umbrella so we stayed at home. Our remote access didn’t work and so we couldn’t take any action against Rangers.

We got watching daytime TV. And you know how it is. We lost all track of time. Great ‘Bargain Hunt’ today though!

Eventually we set off for the office and popped into the supermarket en route. You should have seen the queue! We were in there for an eternity!

By the time we got out of the supermarket, the office would have closed for the day. So we popped into the pub, where we played The Beatles’ ‘Taxman’ over and over on the jukebox when we could have been discussing Rangers’ misdeeds instead.

Later, we were just about to leave the pub when we saw someone who we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them rather than get home and do some Rangers disciplinary work on the laptop.

And then – you’ll never guess what, we know it sounds unbelievable, but – we were just about to leave the pub again when we saw someone else we hadn’t seen in ages. It would have been rude not to have had a pint with them too.

And of course, those unexpected reunions couldn’t end without one for the road.

And then we went for a curry afterwards.

And then on to a club.

We woke up on a park bench with no idea where we were, so what were we supposed to do? We couldn’t exactly pursue sanctions on Rangers in that situation could we?

We eventually found a taxi driver to get us to the office for 9am but he couldn’t find it. No, really…

Then it turned out we had lost our keys, so we couldn’t even get in to take any disciplinary action.

To be honest, we then needed to have a good sleep to recover.

You can’t strip honours with a hangover, after all. Can you?

In any case, we were watching The Simpsons one day and we are sure Lionel Hutz said there was literally no mechanism for taking any action against Rangers.

Anyway, look at the shiny shiny thing! You all want to play in the Scottish Cup don’t you? Our lovely money-spinning competition… You should concentrate on that.


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun reacting to the surreal nature of Scottish football…

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Mr Greedy’s Title-Stripping Appetite

One day, Mr Greedy woke up to find that he was very hungry indeed.

Mr Greedy felt hungry every morning. He also felt hungry in the afternoons and in the evenings too.

Mr Greedy knew that he could stop feeling hungry for a while by having a very big breakfast. So he had four packets of cornflakes, twelve slices of toast, six eggs, and ten rashers of bacon washed down with a gallon of tea.

“That was delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But then Mr Greedy became concerned.

Because he was still feeling extremely hungry!

So he decided to have another breakfast. He ate twenty-four Weetabix, ten slices of toast and marmalade, and a dozen eggs. He also gulped down five pints of orange juice.

“That was also delicious!” said Mr Greedy.

But he was still feeling hungry. This did not normally happen to Mr Greedy so soon after one large breakfast, let alone two! 

A little worried, Mr Greedy decided to distract himself by going into town and going some shopping for his dinner.

As he wandered between the shops Mr Greedy bumped into Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer who worked for the local media, and who were reading the day’s sports news with a worried look.

Mr Greedy told them about the strange new hunger he was experiencing. 

“Well we can assure you that it’s definitely not a hunger for Rangers title-stripping” said Mr Liquidation-Denial.

“Yes that’s right” said Mr Squirrel-Writer. “You are a sensible chap who has no appetite for that. Is that a squirrel behind you? I’d be more worried about that if I were you.”

Mr Greedy couldn’t see a squirrel, and he carried on with his shopping. He then bumped into Mr Alltoo-Difficult who works at the Scottish Football Association and who had a big frown on his face.

Mr Greedy – eating a catering-sized box of Mars Bars as a snack – told him about his mysterious hunger. 

“Well at least we can rule out a case of hunger for Rangers title-stripping, Mr Greedy. You definitely have no appetite for that!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult.

“That’s funny” said Mr Greedy. “That’s exactly what Mr Liquidation-Denial and Mr Squirrel-Writer said to me a few minutes ago! Have you been talking to them?”

“Absolutely not!” said Mr Alltoo-Difficult. “That’s just a massive coincidence. Now, why don’t you move on [*cough cough cough*]… errr… to the next shop and don’t worry about your strange hunger?”

Mr Greedy went into the newsagent’s to buy another dozen Mars Bars. Suddenly, he noticed the front page of a newspaper which talked about cuts to various public services.

As he left the shop, Mr Greedy suddenly felt absolutely ravenous even though he had just stuffed down another seven Mars Bars. 

And then he realised the cause of his unusual hunger! Mr Liquidation-Denial, Mr Squirrel-Writer and Mr Alltoo-Difficult had been wrong! Presumably they had been wrong completely by accident and in an uncoordinated way, but they were wrong!

Because Mr Greedy had a gargantuan appetite for Rangers title-stripping! 

Mr Greedy didn’t see why everyone else had to pay their taxes for essential public services when the late Rangers Football Club could avoid it and still keep their trophies!

In fact, Mr Greedy thought that this was an absolute piss-take of the highest order and that Scottish football and society as a whole deserved better.

Mr Greedy was hungry for justice. So he decided there and then to lobby his favourite football club to ensure that justice was delivered.

And when Mr Greedy has an appetite for something, he doesn’t let it go until it is satisfied…


You know what to do, everybody…

Oh yes, and spare a thought for Jim Traynor. 😉 


Media, Satire, Scottish Football, Sevco, SFA

Dave King And Stewart Regan: The Truth

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has obtained a transcript of the meeting which Dave King and Stewart Regan held last week when the Sevco Supremo seemingly jetted in to Glasgow for the Craig Whyte court case, only to be stood down. A meeting which was belatedly reported by Roddy Forsyth in today’s Telegraph, and which took place against the backdrop of:

  • The ‘going concern’ warning in Sevco’s accounts.
  • Sevco’s need for a UEFA licence.
  • Dave King facing a Court of Session hearing in which the Takeover Panel will seek enforcement action following his failure to make an offer for RIFC shares not owned by the concert party he is deemed to have led.
  • Sevco facing potentially costly further litigation about their commercial relationship with Sports Direct. 
  • The Craig White trial, which may relate to a different ‘club’, but which still creates waves for the latest Ibrox outfit.
  • Questions being asked about the state of Ibrox.
  • Etc etc etc

So here is the transcript of the meeting, which was passed to The Clumpany by an anonymous source:


SR: “Hi Dave. How’s things?”

DK: “Fine Stewart. Yourself?”

SR: “Not so bad Dave. Mustn’t grumble.”

DK: “Are you still following the cricket? It’s been a few years now.”

SR: “Well it never really leaves you Dave. Would you like some tea?”

DK: “That would be very nice Stewart. Thank you.”

SR: “Jammie Dodger?”

DK: “I beg your pardon?”

SR: “BISCUIT Dave. A Jammie Dodger BISCUIT. Unless you’d like chocolate? Fruit and Nut?”

DK: “No, I haven’t brought any of the fans with me.”

SR: “Well do help yourself from the plate. Nice weather we are having?”

DK: “Well it is certainly different to South Africa, but it is definitely warm for Glasgow.”

SR: “Is that a new tie, Dave?”

DK: “No, I have had it for some time.”

SR: “New suit?”

DK: “Yes it is. I tried a new tailor. I think the jacket reaches a very favourable settlement over my shoulders.”

SR: “You could say it FITS and it’s a PROPER suit. Ha ha!”

DK: “Yes you could say that, Stewart. If you really felt the need. How is the SFA at the moment?”

SR: “Oh you know, ups and downs, ups and downs. When are you going back to South Africa?”

DK: “After this meeting.”

SR: “You aren’t staying for the game against Celtic?”

DK: “Places to go and people to see Stewart. You know how it is.”

SR: “I do Dave. I do. Another tea before you go?”

DK: “No I am fine thanks, Stewart. Anyway, it was good to see you. Hope to see you again at some point soon.”

SR: “You too Dave. You too. See you later.”

DK: “Goodbye Stewart.”

SR: “Goodbye Dave.”


So there you have it. Conclusive proof that Dave King and the Chief Executive of the Scottish Football Assocition were not focusing on any weighty matters, but were simply discussing general topics on an informal basis, as mentioned by Roddy Forsyth:


Sadly General Topics was unavailable for comment, although The Clumpany understands that he may attend the next Armed Forces Day at Ibrox.


Media, Scottish Football, SFA

What Are YOU So Afraid Of?

Good Evening.

You – yes you – enjoy Scottish football on a regular basis.

You might even love it. 

You see appalling refereeing on a troublingly regular basis.

If you are a fan of a team that is a victim of it, you howl like any fan would. 

You might even cry ‘incompetence’ or ‘foul play’.

But even if you simply report on Scottish football as a ‘neutral journalist’, you will undoubtedly have highlighted duff refereeing quite frequently.

And recognised that it changes games.

And thereby affects the experience and enjoyment of paying punters who spend their limited resources watching the national sport. 

You might even have thought that paying punters deserve better.

Much better.

But whatever the case, you will have almost certainly thought that the refereeing in Scotland could be improved.

You might even have been of sufficient sentience to have thought “f*ck me, it really doesn’t have to be like that!”

After all, the human experience is all about optimism and striving for improvement. 

So even if you ascribe every dodgy unaccountable refereeing decision to mistake, poor performance, or something more sinister, your natural human reaction must be to hope for something better.

All of which begs the question:

If you are a fan, follower, reporter or administrator of Scottish football, why the hell aren’t you straining every sinew to bring about a massive improvement in the quality and accountability of Scottish football referees?

It also probably begs a supplementary question:

What are you so afraid of?


Celtic, Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

Erik Sviatchenko Is In Big Trouble

Good Evening.

Coming to a newspaper near you, sometime soon. 



Erik’s Epic Tumble

The Hoops star looks set to find that things   aren’t ‘cool’ with the SFA Compliance Officer, and could even face police charges following a spectacular incident on Sunday.

By A. Honest-Mistake.

Celtic defender Erik Sviatchenko is facing charges of bringing the game into disrepute, and possibly of causing criminal damage, after causing a cooling tower to tumble over yesterday afternoon. 

The incident – which led to unpleasant scenes and considerable anger – threatens to overshadow next week’s Old Firm* Scottish Cup semi-final. Quite literally. With a massive cloud of dust.

6205 witnesses have suggested that the cooling tower was scheduled for demolition, and had been fitted with explosives, leading to a large exclusion area being put in place around it.

However, a group of SFA-approved match officials somehow noticed that Sviatchenko was several miles away, and mistook his casual stroll to the shops to buy milk for “running up to the cooling tower and bringing it down with a superhero-strength kick”.

That’s a poor challenge, Erik!

The shopkeeper said “Mr Sviatchenko had just bought his pint of milk and laughed out loud when I asked him if he wanted to buy a newspaper, when a referee and two linesmen burst into the shop and said ‘We saw that! Causing a tumble like in the area is a clear penalty for the Compliance Officer to consider, and probably the police too.’

“I felt a bit sorry for him to be honest as he clearly had no clue what he was supposed to have done. But once these officials make  their minds up, there is no arguing with them'”.

The SFA declined to offer a detailed comment although their automated reply said “Ha ha ha ha ha! What accountability?” as usual.

Erik Sviatchenko was approached for an interview, but is apparently out of the country kicking a tower in Pisa until it leans at a jaunty angle.

Brendan Rodgers is rumoured to be thinking “Match officials in Scotland? F*ckers, the lot of them”.



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun… 

Media, Scottish Cup, Scottish Football, SFA

The Big Plan: Get Mo Money

Good Afternoon.

It has become something of a running joke that every time a Rangers or Sevco ‘legend’ or ‘legned’ pops up in the media to discuss the (lack of) fortunes of the latest Ibrox club, and how it can assume an alleged ‘rightful place’ at the top of Scottish football, the answer is ALWAYS “more investment”.

More money.

Lots of it.


Pretty please.

From someone.


WE NEED THAT MONEY. Wah wah wah. 😢

St Walter of the Blessed Cardigan is the most famous advocate of the “pretend even harder to be Rangers” strategy, and it is getting to the point where his pleas are almost as desperate as the football his teams used to play.

But the genre has possibly reached its nadir, courtesy of the the ever-popular Mo Johnston. Back in the UK from Florida to help promote the Scottish Cup semi-finals (and you have to admit that William Hill and the SFA certainly know how to pick people for promotional duties…), Johnston was – astonishingly – asked about his views of Sevco and the gap to Celtic.

Yes, I was shocked too.

And he even had the temerity to suggest that Dave King should sell up and let someone else have a go!

Mo Johnston tells Dave King to splash cash or sell Rangers

“Maybe Rangers need a 
different owner,” said Johnston. 

“Perhaps that’s what has to happen. I don’t know much about the takeover but what I would say is that, if the owner
 injects money into the club, then things would be better.”

Searing insight, Mo!

Spending money will clearly make things better. Just like it did for Rangers who now lie festering on the corporate mortuary slab.

“I don’t know the boy King’s finances, but if he puts more money in, then things might improve. But I don’t think he’s going to do that.”

“The boy King”?!

Yes, he actually said “the boy King”!

“If this is the case then, probably, they would need someone else to come in and invest their money.”

You don’t say…

“There aren’t a lot of people out there who would be able to do that. For me, it would have to be someone from 
China. That’s the one for me.”

Someone from China. Has Mo simply picked out a country at random and said “aye someone from there should come and fix things. Someone with money”?

Anyone in particular, Mo? Anyone?

Is there anything to be said for waiting on a postman from Micronesia to step forward with his piggy bank?

Or for the chief of a hitherto-undiscovered Amazon tribe to emerge from the jungle and announce his lifetime love of the Gers* and willingness to invest his crops in rebuilding the team?

But Mo hasn’t finished yet.

“Rangers are a big, big club.”

Oh no, not this nonsense again…

“They and Celtic both are. If you get it right, you’ll get your money back. The amount of money going about in the Champions League is ridiculous and that is.”

“If you get it right, you’ll get your money back”. What on earth is this guy on? Did he not see what can happen when a ‘club’ gambles everything on European revenues? Revenues which are getting bigger, but which are also getting harder and harder to access if you aren’t a top ‘club’ in one of the biggest leagues.

How about living within your means and building a sustainable operation, Mo? Even if that means it takes a very long time to close the gap with Celtic?

The fact that the papers continue to give a platform to this type of nonsense amuses me greatly. It has no basis in reality or fact, doesn’t help Sevco one little bit, and simply exposes the ignorance of the person uttering it.

It may fill column inches, help to sell the last few remaining printed newspapers, and give Sevco fans a warm glow. However it has little to do with the truth of Sevco’s circumstances and resources, and absolutely nothing to do with Scottish football in the 21st Century.

So Mo. What do you think about the plans for the super casino and hover pitch at Ibrox?


Media, Scottish Football, SFA, SPFL

The Supreme Court: Things To Remember

Good Morning.

Over the next two days, the Supreme Court of the glorious United Kingdom will hear the final appeal in the ‘Big Tax Case’ which helped to make Rangers so toxic to potential buyers that it hastened the Ibrox ‘club’ to its spectacular death.

Here are a few key things to remember as you follow the case and its eventual outcome.

  • It has nothing to do with the current ‘club’ playing out of Ibrox. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Unless of course title-stripping is put back on the agenda, in which case there will be howls of anguish and threatening statements from Sevco. Because as we all know, it was the ‘club’ which won the trophies and the ‘holding company’ which did the bad stuff.
  • No sporting advantage ever accrued from EBTs. Being able to spend more money on wages than competitors does not enable you to field a stronger team than them.
  • Title-stripping would hurt the whole of Scottish football via all manner of unforeseen and unidentifiable ‘serious consequences’. Everyone should just move on.
  • If EBTs had not been used then Rangers would have found the money from elsewhere. Therefore, worrying about spending via EBTs is a flawed exercise.
  • HMRC lost the first two rounds of this case and it is a disgrace that the liquidators of ‘Oldco Rangers’ are having to fight this all over again. HMRC really should just ‘let it go’ rather than pursue a petty vendetta to enforce the law of the land and the norms of society by making sure everyone pays their fair share of tax. After all, who needs schools and hospitals when the alternative is a successful Rangers?!
  • Lots of people were duped at all times.
  • There was a conspiracy to bring Rangers down. A secret one. So secret in fact that no one can describe it.
  • The Scottish sports media is unlikely to be your friend if you are a football fan. If the result goes in favour of HMRC, seeking justice for those who paid into a warped game for many years will almost certainly NOT be their highest priority.
  • The footballing authorities will perhaps be praying that HMRC lose. But should that not happen, they may well have plans in place to strongly resist any attempt to reopen the already fatally-flawed Lord Nimmo-Smith commission. Every club and football fan should be standing by to apply pressure on them to ‘do the right thing’.

Sit back and enjoy the ride! But remain on your guard for spin, deflection and outright bullsh*t.

Because you just KNOW that they are coming…


NB Other Clumpany offerings about the Big Tax Case include:

The Biggest Lie Of All

Spare A Thought For Jim Traynor

The Bampots’ Team-Talk

Bankrupt Arguments

The King Of Retribution?

A Wibble From The Past

Dick Dastardly: He Never Stood A Chance

A Letter To Peter Lawwell

Boring Boring Boring Boring Boring!

The Unmistakable Smell Of Bullshit

Where Should I Stick This Asterisk?

Death, Hypocrisy And Taxes