Satire, SFA

How Rangers FC Was Shafted In 2008

Good Evening.

Further to a number of non-stories from Scottish sport’s most self-respecting journalists and reputation-conscious media outlets, The Clumpany has been given some devastating information about the activities of a “prominent chairman of a club”* at the end of season 2007-8. [* NB the person concerned specifically asked that I refer to the ‘guilty’ party in this way as a tribute to those who – despite busting a gut to create a media frenzy – still can’t string a coherent sentence together].

Apparently – back in the day – the prominent chairman of a club sat down to watch the 2008 UEFA Cup Final and said “I hope Zenit give absolutely no help to Rangers”.

What an absolute disgrace, eh?

And when Zenit St Petersburg scored their opening goal against the club that former SFA Presidents will pretend is somehow inhabiting Sevco, they leapt out of their seat and said “This is a fantastic display of giving no help to Rangers. I sincerely hope that the Russians fail to render assistance to Rangers for the remainder of this fixture.

“And – thinking ahead – I really hope that goal ends up upsetting BBC Scotland presenters and pundits, as well as the staff of the Daily Record for the rest of eternity. If not longer! Woo f*cking hoo!”

The Clumpany is sure that my long suffering readers will be gasping with horror at this shameful display by a prominent chairman of a club.

But it gets worse.

Because when the second, winning, Zenit goal went in against the Dual Contract All Stars the prominent chairman of a club apparently punched the air and said “Help? You need a f*cking miracle to get out of this anti-football abyss Rangers!”

And then the prominent chairman of a club picked up the phone to call George Peat and tried to leave a message saying “Mwahahahahhahaha! There’s no helping Rangers now is there? Is there George?!

“Still, it’s only a small matter in the grand scheme of things isn’t it George? There’s a national sport to be run. A national sport with a big and explicit rulebook which is clear about declaring the terms of player contracts.

“Isn’t there George?

“Let me know if the SFA and Rangers need any HELP with it.”

If this isn’t devastating evidence of a prominent chairman of a club executing an anti-Rangers conspiracy to deprive them of European glory, what is?

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of sarcastic fun..

Scottish Football, SFA

Stop Complaining, The SFA Is Right

Good Evening.

The Clumpany noted with some mirth that the manager of Kilmarnock and the statement writer of Aberdeen FC have spoken out about horrendously inconsistent decision making by the SFA-overseen disciplinary process this season.

To be fair to them, they have a point.

The sort of point that is so correct that it could be used as the International Standard Measurement of Correctness for the rest of time.

To outside observers with the capacity to hold a rational thought, the SFA’s disciplinary processes are a complete and utter joke. Much like the governing body itself and and every last apparent arrogance-infused cell of its blazer-wearing time-servers and other seemingly untouchables. Indeed, some might say that they are an embarrassment to the very concept of sport, administration and sports administration.

But so what? Aberdeen, Kilmarnock and the massed ranks of the gullible folk who buy tickets for SFA-administered Cup and international fixtures can bleat, whine, stamp their feet, and throw as many toys out of the pram as they like. It will make no difference whatsoever, and they are embarrassing themselves if they pretend otherwise.

Because until the day dawns when fans stop giving money to the SFA and (more importantly) a sufficient number of clubs take an organised collective stand against the SFA (as well as the SPFL for a host of reasons), absolutely nothing will change. NOTHING.

Until that happens, the SFA is entirely justified in making the sort of statement it issued last night.

SFA release statement after spotlight aimed at judicial panel

The SFA is quite clearly implementing and administering processes that have been signed off by its members following their involvement in their design. Processes that give the SFA a large amount of latitude and don’t make it easy to review the consequences.

The SFA doesn’t even have the clubs over a barrel. They have their tacit consent for what they are doing! So why on Earth should the SFA ever change any aspect of what it does?

There is an argument which says that even if a good number of larger SPFL clubs took a stand against the SFA nothing would change because the majority of the SFA’s voting members aren’t (for example) even members of the SPFL.

This argument is more than reasonable!

When Celtic called for a review of the governance of Scottish football during the Rangers tax case sagas, Stewart Regan pointed out that he had 100+ members and only one of them had called for a review. This may have been true but it pointed to the scope for the SFA to hide behind (and for people seeking election to the top offices in Scottish football to rely upon the votes of) a large number of amateur outfits.

I personally would argue that it is a complete nonsense that a large number of SFA members outside the SPFL can wield such disproportionate influence in an era of high stakes TV negotiations and Scottish football seeking any ‘USP’ it can find to stand out from the ‘obscenely’ rich leagues around Europe.

I would like to see Scotland’s professional clubs (including the Ibrox outfit) doing whatever it takes – including threatening boycotts of the Scottish Cup and the withdrawing of players from the Scotland squad – to bring about the end of the 19th Century structures of the SFA. Because then we might stand a chance of getting a professional approach to the future development of the national sport as a whole.

However, pending that unlikely miracle occurring, I have no doubt that if a significant number of the bigger clubs in Scotland could present a united front to the SFA and say ‘enough is enough – stop making excuses and sort yourselves out’, and could press for specific steps to be taken, it would make the SFA squirm and make it more difficult for them to hide behind process and ‘their members’.

Sadly I fear that hell will freeze over before Celtic, Aberdeen, Hearts, Hibs, Kilmarnock (and even Sevco in some circumstances) can even begin to agree on a few points of common concern that can be put to the SFA as non-negotiable. Nor do I think that any of them have the guts to actually stand firm on any point of principle either individually or collectively.

Until that changes they have zero chance of effecting change. And – frankly – right now, they don’t deserve change.

As a result they should simply ‘suck it up’ and hope enough fans remain blindly loyal enough to go along with them for the money-spinning ride…

#KeepOnClumping

Satire, Sevco, SFA

Beheading For Sevco!

Good Evening.

Surely The Clumpany will hear this on the radio in the not-too-distant future?!

>>>>>>

Presenter: “And joining us in the studio to discuss Allan McGregor’s ludicrous non-brush with the authorities are a completely sensible ex-Rangers player and some random commentator who we are having to entertain under sufferance. Let me first turn to you ex-Rangers star. Do you agree that the Compliance Officer is right not to seek sanctions against our pal Allan McGregor?”

Ex Rangers (or Sevco) player (ERSP): “Allan did absolutely nothing wrong! He was just looking after his goal. There is no reason to haul him before the SFA beaks. Even though I agree with those who say that comparing SFA folk with parts of a duck is silly”.

Random Commentator: “Well that’s an interesting point of view. But let’s be honest, Allan McGregor attacked an opposition player in an unprovoked and aggressive manner.”

ERSP: “How so? Were you watching a completely different game to me? McGregor was just tidying things up”.

Random Commentator: “What are you talking about? He went after his opponent with a scythe. A great big scythe.”

ERSP: “I think you will find it was a little scythe. Barely a scythe at all. There was barely any contact and the Compliance Officer was right to dismiss this ludicrous bleating and concentrate on more important matters such as why Rangers* weren’t awarded a goal for old time’s sake. Or something.”

Random Commentator: “‘Barely a scythe?!’ How can you say that?! He chopped off the head of the opposition player. In the penalty area! That is the very definition of a foul!”

ERSP: “Nonsense. There was no intent there. Unless you refer to McGregor’s intent to keep the grass at a reasonable length in his penalty area. He certainly intended to to do that. And let’s face it, goalkeepers are always fixing the grass in their area – replacing divots for example.”

Random Commentator: “‘FFS he only severed the player’s head on the seventh swing! And after all the other players had surrounded him and started screaming ‘put the f*cking scythe down, you are going to kill him'”.

ERSP: “I don’t think the footage shows that.”

Random Commentator: “It shows his head bouncing off the pitch and being used at a throw-in…”

ERSP: “This is just jealous hysteria.”

Random Commentator: “So what level of on-pitch contact by a Rangers* player would you view as actually worthy of punishment? How ridiculous have things now got?” 

Presenter: “Aaaaand that’s all we’ve got time for. So there you have it folks. Justice rightly prevails for a Rangers* player who just wanted to ensure a level playing field. With his scythe. Tune in tomorrow to hear our pundits discuss how nuclear warfare offers Rangers* hope of toppling Celtic…”

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks it’s just a bit of fun, and cold turkey is really boring.

Celtic, Satire, Sevco, SFA, SPFL

A Disgraceful Conflict Of Interest

Good Afternoon.

It has come to The Clumpany’s attention that large numbers of administrators in the SFA and SPFL are fatally compromised.

Definitely.

Well, probably.

No definitely.

Maybe.

F*ck it, they are all clearly as guilty as sin.

The really bad sort of sin.

Not the ‘administrative oversight’ or the ‘imperfectly sinful’ sort of sin.

I mean the bloody outrageous, banged-to-rights sort of sin.

The sort of sin that would cause Satan to blush were his burning skin not already bright red.

I speak of an absolutely appalling conflict of interest which means that the Hampden top brass has to resign en masse.

Let me explain.

You know Celtic share-owning Celtic supporter and Celtic board member, Dermot ‘Celtic Man’ Desmond?

Yes that’s him there. Flagrantly associating with Celtic players as if there is no tomorrow.

Well let me tell you something about Dermot Desmond. And you might want to sit down for this as it is a truly shocking revelation.

Dermot Desmond likes golf.

[*Gasp*]

In fact, Dermot Desmond PLAYS golf.

[*Swoon*]

Look, there he is.

Oh and there he is again, looking very pleased with himself, and practically bringing football into disrepute.

It is Dermot Desmond’s golfing activities that have compromised the Hampden top brass.

Do you know how?

I’ll tell you.

Because folk who work at the SFA and SPFL also play golf.

Not necessarily with Dermot Desmond. In fact almost certainly NOT with Dermot Desmond.

But they play golf. And that’s practically a smoking gun in terms of a conflict of interest.

You can easily imagine an SFPL or SFA officer lining up a putt on the 18th green and thinking to themselves “Dermot Desmond also plays golf. When I get back to the office I must rig Scottish football to give Celtic an unfair advantage.”

It’s a disgrace, so it is!

Before anyone asks, no I don’t have any evidence of which Scottish football administrators play golf. Nor do I have any proof of what they think about, or whether they act on their thoughts.

It’s clearly far better to revel in the attention to be gained from throwing out accusations.

So, all in all it would be best for Scottish football for these conflicted people with golfing links to Dermot Desmond to be thrown out of the game.

And for Dave King to be put in charge.

After all, he’s famous for being a caddy and thereby completely removed from the terrible golf-playing taint.

Isn’t he? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a satire on the week’s piss-poor real-life comedy…

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

A Nasty Vomiting Bug

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is feeling under the weather.

It’s normally pretty germ-free in the ether, and I can usually go about my ethereal business with a healthy glow. However, today I have come down with something pretty awful.

The mother of all vomiting bugs.

I’ve been sick everywhere.

All over the Clumpany kitchen.

All over the Clumpany sofas.

On every single carpet in every room in Clumpany Towers. And that’s a LOT of rooms.

I’ve been throwing up every couple of minutes. Often in a projectile-like manner.

The windows have all been plastered with thick, slimy, stinking, regurgitated stomach matter, and as I type I can see it oozing down and obscuring the view out to the Clumpany gardens.

And the gardens themselves haven’t escaped the horror movie-style sicky onslaught either.

The grass is no longer green.

The paths look like streams of vomit. Which is no surprise really, as that is exactly what they are right now.

And as for the Clumpany lake…. Well let’s just say that no open water swimmers will fancy training in it any time soon.

It’s a scene of utter devastation as far as the eyes can see and the body can wretch.

I really hope I get over this bug soon.

Well, I assume it is a bug. I haven’t actually spoken to the Clumpany doctors yet.

Then again, it could be extreme nausea caused by the Scotland national side being managed by an EBT recipient who admitted to dead Rangers getting an unfair sporting advantage when he was the manager.

Ugh! Must dash, I’m about to throw up again.

Please keep your fingers crossed for my speedy recovery. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

How Alex McLeish Became ‘Miss World’

Good Evening.

Word reaches Clumpany Towers that there were absolute scenes at a recent ‘Monopoly and Nibbles’ Night at the SFA.

Fair play to the top brass at Hampden. They may be few in number these days, but they are really trying to keep up morale. And let’s face it, time spent team-building is time spent not reaching a public conclusion about the granting of a UEFA licence to the late Rangers Football Club in 2011 despite the presence of apparently-overdue payables. 😉

‘Monopoly and Nibbles’ Night at the SFA is exactly what you would expect it to be.

Utterly shite and best avoided.

I jest, of course. Maybe.

The team gathers to enjoy pizza, feeble-strength bottled beer from the discount section of Lidl, and a ‘lively’ game of Monopoly.

This particular session started off as usual, with the dealing out of the cash, some smug jokes about whether there should be an inquiry into its taxable nature, and a discussion about whether using loaded dice constituted a sporting advantage.

However, the game was noteworthy because the regular participants were joined by the new Scotland manager Alex McLeish.

Fair play to McLeish for bonding with his colleagues at HQ when he could have been out there not facing difficult questions about his Rangers success*, or trying not to be signed up by Birmingham City.

I am told that the game proceeded uneventfully until McLeish landed on a ‘Community Chest’ space and read the card that he had to pick up…

c3ace951-4cca-4df0-9e5c-5dff463bfcb8-2466-0000021ec6b24703

Oh dear…

McLeish apparently hit the roof, insisting that his ranking was clearly wrong! He said that he wasn’t just Miss Scotland or even Miss United Kingdom, but the actual Miss World! And he was determined to do his very best in the role.

The assembled company pointed out that McLeish might have misunderstood his true place in the pecking order, but the Scotland manager vehemently insisted that he could never EVER make such a mistake.

>>>>>>

Meanwhile…

Being second choice makes Alex McLeish more determined

Second?! Maybe all the other candidates who were preferred to McLeish are recorded on a hidden side letter somewhere? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Scottish Football, Sevco, SFA

The Dark-Clothing Support Group

Good Morning.

The Clumpany would like to take this opportunity to salute a group of hitherto-unsung volunteers.

Despite the deplorable choices made by some of those in authority, we are still fortunate to live in an era where so many folk are willing to go the extra mile to make the world a better place.

And it is with this in mind that The Clumpany would like to draw attention to the unstinting efforts of a very special group of community workers who walk among us of a weekend.

Let us be clear: this merry band of selfless individuals gave up their free time this Sunday to walk any lost football fans to a game in Glasgow.

Not only that, in spite of rumours that certain folk going about their business in Glasgow might be narrow-minded and intolerant, this heroic band of Crusaders for Free Expression made a point of letting it be known that they would actively welcome any Celtic fans, Catholics and Irish people who were in need of a warm, civic embrace.

Their only ask was that folk would signal their entitlement to a hug by wearing some dark clothing. 😉

Bless them for their unrelenting efforts to build a more tolerant society.

#KeepOnClumping