Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

A Nasty Vomiting Bug

Good Evening.

The Clumpany is feeling under the weather.

It’s normally pretty germ-free in the ether, and I can usually go about my ethereal business with a healthy glow. However, today I have come down with something pretty awful.

The mother of all vomiting bugs.

I’ve been sick everywhere.

All over the Clumpany kitchen.

All over the Clumpany sofas.

On every single carpet in every room in Clumpany Towers. And that’s a LOT of rooms.

I’ve been throwing up every couple of minutes. Often in a projectile-like manner.

The windows have all been plastered with thick, slimy, stinking, regurgitated stomach matter, and as I type I can see it oozing down and obscuring the view out to the Clumpany gardens.

And the gardens themselves haven’t escaped the horror movie-style sicky onslaught either.

The grass is no longer green.

The paths look like streams of vomit. Which is no surprise really, as that is exactly what they are right now.

And as for the Clumpany lake…. Well let’s just say that no open water swimmers will fancy training in it any time soon.

It’s a scene of utter devastation as far as the eyes can see and the body can wretch.

I really hope I get over this bug soon.

Well, I assume it is a bug. I haven’t actually spoken to the Clumpany doctors yet.

Then again, it could be extreme nausea caused by the Scotland national side being managed by an EBT recipient who admitted to dead Rangers getting an unfair sporting advantage when he was the manager.

Ugh! Must dash, I’m about to throw up again.

Please keep your fingers crossed for my speedy recovery. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

How Alex McLeish Became ‘Miss World’

Good Evening.

Word reaches Clumpany Towers that there were absolute scenes at a recent ‘Monopoly and Nibbles’ Night at the SFA.

Fair play to the top brass at Hampden. They may be few in number these days, but they are really trying to keep up morale. And let’s face it, time spent team-building is time spent not reaching a public conclusion about the granting of a UEFA licence to the late Rangers Football Club in 2011 despite the presence of apparently-overdue payables. 😉

‘Monopoly and Nibbles’ Night at the SFA is exactly what you would expect it to be.

Utterly shite and best avoided.

I jest, of course. Maybe.

The team gathers to enjoy pizza, feeble-strength bottled beer from the discount section of Lidl, and a ‘lively’ game of Monopoly.

This particular session started off as usual, with the dealing out of the cash, some smug jokes about whether there should be an inquiry into its taxable nature, and a discussion about whether using loaded dice constituted a sporting advantage.

However, the game was noteworthy because the regular participants were joined by the new Scotland manager Alex McLeish.

Fair play to McLeish for bonding with his colleagues at HQ when he could have been out there not facing difficult questions about his Rangers success*, or trying not to be signed up by Birmingham City.

I am told that the game proceeded uneventfully until McLeish landed on a ‘Community Chest’ space and read the card that he had to pick up…

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Oh dear…

McLeish apparently hit the roof, insisting that his ranking was clearly wrong! He said that he wasn’t just Miss Scotland or even Miss United Kingdom, but the actual Miss World! And he was determined to do his very best in the role.

The assembled company pointed out that McLeish might have misunderstood his true place in the pecking order, but the Scotland manager vehemently insisted that he could never EVER make such a mistake.

>>>>>>

Meanwhile…

Being second choice makes Alex McLeish more determined

Second?! Maybe all the other candidates who were preferred to McLeish are recorded on a hidden side letter somewhere? 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Scottish Football, Sevco, SFA

The Dark-Clothing Support Group

Good Morning.

The Clumpany would like to take this opportunity to salute a group of hitherto-unsung volunteers.

Despite the deplorable choices made by some of those in authority, we are still fortunate to live in an era where so many folk are willing to go the extra mile to make the world a better place.

And it is with this in mind that The Clumpany would like to draw attention to the unstinting efforts of a very special group of community workers who walk among us of a weekend.

Let us be clear: this merry band of selfless individuals gave up their free time this Sunday to walk any lost football fans to a game in Glasgow.

Not only that, in spite of rumours that certain folk going about their business in Glasgow might be narrow-minded and intolerant, this heroic band of Crusaders for Free Expression made a point of letting it be known that they would actively welcome any Celtic fans, Catholics and Irish people who were in need of a warm, civic embrace.

Their only ask was that folk would signal their entitlement to a hug by wearing some dark clothing. 😉

Bless them for their unrelenting efforts to build a more tolerant society.

#KeepOnClumping

Media, Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

Slagging Off The SFA

Good Evening.

Possibly not appearing in a newspaper near you tomorrow

>>>>>

Editorial: The Future of the SFA

This paper makes the big call that everyone has been waiting for.

By Ed. Band-Wagon

The Afternoon Guffaw has never shied away from confronting the biggest issues in Scottish football.

From the aeroplane legroom enjoyed by senior administrators, to the quality of biscuits in the press box, we have always lived up to the expectations of our loyal-yet-demanding readers and spoken truth to power. Or at least spoken to power. OK, we have doffed a cap to them, and given them our coats on a cold day.

From the warm applause we offered to the authorities for helping Rangers* to emerge from liquidation in 2012, to the palm leaves we scattered before Dave King in 2015, whenever there has been a boat to be rocked we have come over all seasick and gone for a lie-down.

So it will come as no surprise to you to read that we have decided to take a bold stance on the current circumstances surrounding the SFA. With no chief executive or Scotland manager in place, with problems in securing sponsors, and with a huge decision to make about the future of Hampden Park, this is a time for us to nail our colours to the mast.

Let there be no doubt, this paper has taken a long hard look at everything that has happened in Scottish football in recent years, and assessed the contribution of the governing body to it.

Having done this, we have absolutely no qualms in expressing our unshakable conviction that the SFA might not be quite as good as it should be.

While we wouldn’t wish to see the organisation abolished, or completely restructured, or substantively altered, or changed all that much, we do think that the Hampden power-brokers need to ask themselves some searching questions, and should commission a review of the standard of toilet roll on offer at the SFA’s HQ.

This is no half-hearted call on the part of this newspaper. We want the review to be comprehensive and encompass the toilet roll in both the gents’ and the ladies’.

However, we are also clear that the review needs to be constructive. There is nothing to be gained from pandering to the foaming-at-the-mouth elements on social media who would only pollute a debate about toilet roll by suggesting that they wouldn’t wipe their anonymous arses with our rag of a newspaper.

So we therefore invite – and indeed trust – the SFA to do the right thing in-house.

Our readers can rest assured that this paper will be unrelenting in its determination to hold the SFA to account. We will be like a dog with a bone. Especially if your image of a dog with a bone is a playful Andrex puppy looking for approval and cuddles.

>>>>>>

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Celtic, Media, SFA

Peter Lawwell Raises An Eyebrow

Good Evening.

Celtic CEO Peter Lawwell says few things in public.

Some of us think he has said piss-takingly few things in public given how his club – and its fans and shareholders – have seemingly been taken for a ride by the SFA’s approach to player registration, European licensing and coal-raking.

Amongst other things.

However, Mr Lawwell has tonight raised an eyebrow in public. An eyebrow raised in the direction of certain offices and office holders in Hampden.

Peter Lawwell does not readily move facial muscles in public. And he certainly doesn’t often do it in a way that might catch the eye of any potentially Rangers (IL)-pining elements of the Scottish sports media.

But he did so today. An eyebrow went up, and it seemed as though it was directed towards the SFA.

Elevated eyebrows are usually solely a matter for their owner. They generally convey no more than a casual gesture. However, we are taking about a Peter Lawwell eyebrow here.

And one which he raised without the assistance of his usually-hidden Fenian hand.

We will see how this almost imperceptible Lawwell contribution to the debate about the shambolic state of the governance of Scottish football pans out.

But, for what it’s worth, I suspect that whenever SFA office holders see a Peter Lawwell eyebrow in upward motion, they may have reason to try and restrain their bowels from ejecting an outward motion.

Let us hope so. After all, it seems as though there might be an awful lot of Hampden ‘shit’ worthy of expulsion. 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Scottish Football, SFA

Thank You Walter Smith!

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany would like to take this opportunity to say a big thank-you to the cardiganed one on behalf of a grateful nation and its national sport.

His selflessness in ruling himself out of the running for the Scotland manager’s job may well be his finest moment in football.

It takes a special kind of hero to step back and ensure millions of decent, sensible, intelligent people don’t find themselves projectile vomiting with disgust at having the following rammed down their throats:

  • A manager who walked out of the Scotland job simply waltzing back in.
  • A dire brand football that could get the sport stopped.
  • The outpourings of the inexplicable ‘Cult of Walter’ in the Scottish sports media.
  • The inevitable calls for a backroom team containing the likes of Barry ‘Barry’ Ferguson and other Ibrox ‘stars’ who “couldn’t turn down the call from a ‘legned’ like Walter”.
  • The relentless nauseating trumpeting of past achievements without any reference to the fact that they were sometimes ‘helped’ by Rangers’ use of incorrectly-administered EBTs and side-letters, and (ultimately) by an army of stiffed creditors, including every tax payer in the United Kingdom.
  • Glaringly-unasked questions about Smith’s own EBT.

So thank you Mr Smith for perhaps noting that you haven’t been involved in the game for several years now, and so might be out of touch with current players, tactics and coaching methods.

But most of all, thank you for thereby sparing us the ridiculous circus of a ‘real Rangers man’ in a top job in Scottish football.

Because that sort of circus can end up leaving considerable damage in its wake.

Cheers ‘Sir’!

#KeepOnClumping

Satire, Scottish Football, SFA

The Next Scotland Manager

Recruitment

Manager of the Scotland National Football Team

The Opportunity

The Scottish Football Association (SFA) invites applicants to become the next manager of the Scotland national football team. Reporting to the person standing in for the Chief Executive, the manager will be responsible for selecting the national team, instilling a culture of excellence in  players, building strong working relationships with clubs, and acting as an ambassador for Scottish football as whole through positive engagement with the media and attendance at public events.

The manager will be required to create a strong backroom team of similar success-oriented people, and will be expected to assist the SFA in relevant aspects of its business planning by developing a comprehensive strategy to deliver international success. The post holder’s primary objective will be to deliver qualification for the European Championships of 2020.

Knowledge, Skills and Experience

  • Recent experience of management in club football.
  • Ability to motivate and create a winning mentality among players and support staff.
  • A track record of player development and on-pitch success.
  • A proven ability to deliver results with finite resources.
  • An up-to-date understanding of modern coaching methods.
  • A strong awareness of the role of contemporary sports science in improving player performance.
  • Flexibility at all times in both tactics and team selection, with a willingness to play expansive entertaining football whenever possible.
  • A flair for strategic thinking and collaborative working.
  • Experience in developing open, friendly and constructive relationships with the media.
  • An unrelenting commitment to the modernisation of Scottish football, and a willingness to be the upbeat, public face of this process.

To Apply

Please send a CV and a summary of how you meet the requirements of this post to the Scottish Football Association.

Please note that owing to the SFA’s well-known commitment to delivering its exciting, forward-looking ambitions for Scottish football, only applicants that meet ALL of the above criteria will be considered.

Unless you look like this.

Walter Smith

Closing date for applications: A bygone era.

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NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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