Gerrard, Sevco

Gerrard’s Bus

Gerrard's Bus
The #1 bus (formerly the #55) zooms past, leaving Stevie G behind….

Good Evening.

To the tune of The Who’s ‘Magic Bus’…

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Gerrard’s Bus

Every time they manage to lose. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Or make a mistake, I feel so Light Blue. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Players nervous, they just have to hide. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
‘Cos Stevie’s gonna say something snide. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)

Thank you, Dave King, for bringing me here. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I’ll be detested have no fear. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
This rookie’s gonna cause a fuss. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I’ll throw them under Gerrard’s Bus! (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Sevcooooooooo!

I don’t care how hard they try. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Just one poor pass, I’ll hang them out to dry. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty. Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty. (They can’t have it!)

Grumbling and scowling every day. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Just for Second place, maybe. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Grumbling and scowling every day. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Because I know I’m losing my way. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)

Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.
Gerrard’s Bus.

I said, now they’re under Gerrard’s Bus. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
I said, now they’re under Gerrard’s Bus. (Under, Gerrard’s Bus)
Because I know I’m losing my way. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
Each time I throw ’em a different way. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty, Loy-al-ty…

Every day you’ll see lost trust. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)
As I throw my players under Gerrard’s bus. (Under Gerrard’s Bus)

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With apologies to Pete Townshend, here is the magic original…

#KeepOnClumping
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

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Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Is Steven Gerrard Paranoid?

Good Evening.

The Clumpany has seen a number of folk commenting that Steven Gerrard appeared paranoid after today’s draw against an Aberdeen side so poor that they were mistaken for Sevco’s bank account early in the second half.

Gerrard commented that Sevco were a “class above” the Dons and went on to remark that

“It seems like the world is against us today.

“But we’ll make sure we get better for that because it looks like some more decisions will go against us as the season goes on.

“We need to try and use it to our advantage. It’s not just today, I believe it’s been happening for seasons. That’s just my opinion”

Just his opinion eh? Now, I don’t wish to appear cynical but unless Gerrard has watched hundreds of Sevco games and formed an evidence-based opinion, it seems that someone has either briefed him with lies, or he has made it up – possibly fuelled by paranoia.

I will let my long-suffering readers make up their own minds on the basis of a transcript I have been given. This document (which may have been made up by me 😉) records a post-match interview in which Gerrard’s was asked to explain his opinion…

Interviewer: “Steven, can you just clarify your remarks about decisions going against Rangers* for a number of seasons? It’s quite a claim to make. Why do you think that.”

Stevie G: “Well there’s nothing the authorities won’t do to stop this club from being successful. In fact I was surprised we even made it here today.”

Interviewer: “How do you mean?”

Stevie G: “Well, it was a really nervous ride up here. I’d been warned that for every away fixture we play in Scotland the football authorities will send out a special agent to try and stop us arriving. They simply do not want us to play and win football matches.”

Interviewer: “A special agent?”

Stevie G: “Yeah. The codename of this agent is apparently Wile E. Coyote. Some very well informed people told me that he dashes all over Scotland trying to stop us from road running to our fixtures. The officials behind Wile E. Coyote hate Rangers* and want him to do whatever it takes to destroy the world’s most successful club.”

Interviewer: “And you believe this?”

Stevie G: “Why would these people who are looking out for Rangers* lie to me? You can’t be too careful. I just want to win trophies for this club, and I’m worried about dirty tricks being used to stop us.”

Interviewer: “What kind of tricks? I think our readers and the fans… oh hang on they are the same thing… I think they deserve to know. Perhaps by exposing this we can bring some transparency and accountability to the Scottish game?”

Stevie G: “Well apparently there are a variety of tricks involved. ACME dynamite is often used. You know the sort of thing. It’s triggered by a fuse which never lasts for as long as you think it should.

Interviewer: “Dynamite?”

Stevie G: “Yeah. And he also paints a road on the ground leading to a false picture of a tunnel that is painted on to a solid rock-face. That’s a very dirty trick to play.”

Interviewer: “That’s awful! Anything else?”

Stevie G: “Yes. A big anvil dropped from a cliff above our bus. Imagine trying to get three points after being hit by that.”

Interviewer: “That’s awful Steven. So how was the journey up to Aberdeen for today’s game? Any sign of Wile E. Coyote?”

Stevie G: “No. none at all. But it was a nervous ride and we will all be extra-vigilant after today’s refereeing performance. Do you know if Kevin Clancy has an alter ego and an animal costume?”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…

Gerrard, Satire, Sevco

Stevie G’s Miracle Cure

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Good Evening.

The Clumpany didn’t see this advert anywhere…

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Introducing Stevie G’s Miracle Cure!

Sevco Pharmaceuticals are delighted to introduce a product which will revolutionise medical science.

It will transform the lives of half a billion People.

Where once there was extreme discomfort and embarrassment, there will now be unadulterated joy.

No longer will People have to hide away for hours on end feeling as though their insides have been sealed up with concrete.

Never again will People strain and pray in hope for the blessing of a release from inner torment.

This medical marvel is guaranteed to change lives throughout Sevconia!

So roll up roll up and get our special hashtag-shaped ‘Let’s Go’ pills! 

Inspired by a lame, random, throwaway remark by Stevie G that he immediately forgot (but which we are determined to flog to within an inch of its life), the ‘Let’s Go’ tablets do exactly what they say on the tin*. [*Old Smarties tube.]

That’s right! ‘Let’s Go’ is the jaw and pants-dropping laxative that will let all Sevco fans go.

Constipation is absolutely no problem for our miracle formula which cuts through solid shit just as quickly as The Clumpany dissects an MSM-Sevco love-in.

All YOU need to do is to buy into our fantasy about a rookie manager being truly amazing and BOOM, the ‘Let’s Go’ pills are yours.

We absolutely guarantee that Stevie G’s efforts will have you shitting yourself in no time whatsoever.

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, this product was not tested on rational human beings…

 

 

Celtic, Gerrard, Media, Satire

A War That Celtic Cannot Win

Good Evening.

Probably not in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

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Stevie G And Walter Go To War With Celtic

The Champions League-winning Champions League winner plans to hold a summit with the Gers icon to formulate a plan to destroy Celtic. Literally.

By A. Battle-Fever.

Steven Gerrard has wasted no time in setting up a serious sit-down with his illustrious* predecessor* and fully intends to get the low-down on how to blast Celtic into smithereens.

The high-powered encounter promises to strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players as they prepare for a surely-doomed assault on 8-in-a-row.

Walter Smith has been the go-to guy for Gerrard’s predecessors, and the veteran former manager has never failed to deliver advice that has resulted in devastating consequences. [Don’t say for who – Ed.]

Now the legendary Liverpool legend looks set to team-up with the legnedary Rangers legned to deliver Celtic’s worst nightmare.

“Nuclear weapons” said a source close to Rangers*.

That’s what Walter can bring to the table. Celtic won’t know what has hit them. Stevie G will love it.”

Our insider confirmed that it wouldn’t just be the Wisdom of Walter that would be assisting Gerrard.

“It’s a little-known fact that Graeme Souness was on the brink of inflicting nuclear armageddon on Celtic in the 1980s. The only reason he didn’t was his realisation that his tackling during games could do far worse damage.

“There was no problem with David Murray paying for the weapon. He was always great at buying absolute weapons – just look at the players he signed over the years. The bank was fully on board to extend the club’s* overdraft to pay for any sort of annihilation of Celtic that he fancied.

“However, Graeme thought a few of his trademark on-pitch assaults could do the job quite nicely instead.

“Obviously Stevie G won’t be playing for Rangers* this season, but he’ll surely love the idea of using Souness’s Plan B.”

It is understood that Walter and Stevie G will meet as soon as the Rangers* squad returns from its current unsuccessful continental bus-spotting expedition.

“It’s going to be an awe-inspiring spectacle”, said our insider, who asked not to be named in case UN Weapons Inspectors got on his case.

“Stevie G will be sitting there in the Blue Room ready to talk total destruction, and Walter will walk in wearing his best stare and brown brogues. They’ll agree on a launch date and time for the weapon, have a cup of tea, and then go home.

“Celtic’s days are numbered.”

When asked if we could see the nuclear weapon, and why he appeared to be making a rudimentary catapult out of a rubber band, and a y-shaped stick emblazoned with the words ‘Stevie’s Celtic Smasher’ our source told us to “f*ck off and write the correct story”.

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Meanwhile… 😉

Picture via @Celt_Bhoy1888

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…

Gerrard, Media, Satire

Steven Gerrard Begs For Walter Smith’s Help

Good Evening.

I am sure that I haven’t read this in an attempted newspaper somewhere…

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Steven Gerrard Begs For Walter’s Help

The Champions League-winning Champions League winner has probably indicated that he would break every bone in his body with an iron bar for the chance to benefit from the unique Rangers*-tastic insights that Walter Smith could offer.

By A. Tired-Formula.

Steven Gerrard suggested yesterday that he would be looking to benefit from the tremendous experience and coaching brilliance of one of his predecessors* as Rangers* manager.

The legendary Liverpool legend has made a lightening-fast start to his Ibrox tenure by signing more players than you can shake a stick at while shouting “are those really the sort of players he expected to be recruiting?”

Now Gerrard seems set to seek advice from one of the all-time Ibrox managerial greats as he moulds his squad into a hopefully all-conquering force.

When repeatedly asked a series of leading questions which always got the right response from his predecessors, Gerrard said “Ah you want me to play up the Rangersness of what I am doing.

“You want me to say that Walter Smith is an absolute legend at this club* and I will be seeking his advice as we prepare for the new season.

“Well, I am happy to say that sort of thing if it helps.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, as a Liverpool fan I loved what he did at Everton. I have absolutely massive respect for what he achieved there. I’ve never laughed so long and hard in all my life!

“I’ve no real opinion on how Walter – you do like to use his first name don’t you – got on at Rangers*. But I’ve been told by the club Traynor that the mere mention of his name makes your lives easier, and appeals to your alleged readers.

“So yes, I’d love to speak to Walter about managing Rangers*. I might even bring a few old Everton season review videos for us to watch together. It’ll be magic.”

When asked about Gerrard’s comments, a Sevco fan uttered the words “Ah Walter…”, drooled for several hours, and became so misty-eyed that their optician issued a weather-warning.

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Meanwhile… 😉

#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks. It’s just a bit of fun…

Gerrard, Media, Satire

Steven Gerrard’s Shocking Discovery

Good Afternoon.

Possibly not appearing in an attempted newspaper any time soon…

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“Witchcraft!” Cry Rangers* Fans As Gerrard Shocks Glasgow.

The Rangers* manager made a remarkable discovery during his first day in Glasgow and now the Light Blue legions are building bonfires upon which to burn witches.

By B. Magic

Scottish football had already been rocked by the arrival of the Champions League-winning Champions League winner, but it is Gerrard’s activities away from the training ground that may yet prove to have the biggest impact.

On his very first day in Glasgow, the legendary Liverpool legend stepped out to sample the city’s entertainment and went to the ‘pictures’ at a secret venue.

The secret venue is known only to a select few as well as the many people milling around outside who saw Gerrard going in and asking his associate “is this the secret venue?”.

However the ‘secret’ venue is now likely to find itself firmly ‘on the map’ after what then transpired while the Rangers* manager was at the ‘pictures’.

Around 20 minutes after he went in, a screaming Gerrard was seen slowly fleeing the secret venue with all the pace he could muster. His words were unmistakeable

“What the f*ck is this sorcery? Moving pictures?! Moving. F*cking* Pictures. It’s witchcraft!”

Stopped by a concerned Rangers* fan, a hyperventilating Gerrard breathlessly explained that the pictures had started to move, and they even began to talk to him.

“He was in a right state” said the fan. “And I am spooked myself. Talking and moving pictures? What the hell is going on? Burn the witch responsible! BURN THEM!”

He continued, “Stevie G managed to gather himself enough to call someone to come and pick him up, but you could see he was still highly distressed and shaking his head as he got into the car. I am sure I heard him say ‘there must be some sort of evil curse on this city’ just before he sped away.'”

This shocking scene was only the beginning. Word of Gerrard’s shocking revelation spread like wildfire, and soon the stunned Ibrox fan base took to the street demanding that witches with the power to animate pictures be rounded up and punished in an appropriate manner. “Let’s go! Burn the witches!” was the deafening cry which filled the air.

In other news, Rangers,* latest bargain basement buy is said by the club’s spokesperson to be “an absolute wizard on the pitch”.

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Meanwhile…

Steven Gerrard pops into secret plush cinema in Glasgow

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Gerrard, Media, Satire, Sevco

Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff

Good Evening.

Probably appearing in all newspapers in the coming days…

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Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff At Rangers*

The Kop-tastic Kop Legend will do stuff at Rangers* according to our carefully selected and on-message vacuous pundits.

By A. Space-Filler

New Rangers* manager Steven ‘That Night In Istanbul’ Gerrard will do various unspecified things that will help the Ibrox side to play football. Maybe.

That is the shocking verdict of various People with absolutely no meaningful insight to offer when we phoned and asked them to make positive noises to fill column inches and sell a feel-good fable to the Rangers* fans.

However, the most astonishing news – which will surely strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players – is the confidence of one former Rangers legend that “Aye, Rangers* will be looking to get a bit closer this season”.

Gerrard has wasted no time in signing players that had absolutely nothing to do with him, and this gives one former player (who unexpectedly cited ‘self-respect’ in agreeing his pre-scripted anonymous ‘quote’) supreme confidence that the Liverpool Kop-licious legend is on to a winner.

“Look at the exciting start Gerrard has made at Rangers* ” said the ex-pro. “He’s doing stuff. And that can only be a good thing. Can I leave your paper to say stuff like ‘back to where they belong’? Only I am due to play golf this afternoon and need to get going.”

This startling perspective was endorsed by another former footballer who pleaded with us to “keep my name off this shite”.

“Say what you like about him. PLEASE! Just don’t say I helped you with it! But Stevie G – that’s the sort of affected familiarity you are looking for, isn’t it? – Stevie G didn’t get where he is today without trying to do stuff.

“And I am sure that he will do stuff at Rangers*.

“Brendan Rodgers is probably sitting there now thinking ‘Stevie G – he’ll be managing Rangers* next season’.

“That’s the sort of impact you are looking for when hiring Stevie G. You are looking for people to say ‘I see they have appointed Stevie G.’

“And in those terms, you can only say that the Rangers* board has played an absolute blinder by getting Stevie G in.”

This overwhelming endorsement was confirmed by the views of Rangers* fans who participated in our exclusive online poll yesterday. 100% of them said YES they DO believe that Steven Gerrard will do stuff at Rangers* this season.

When asked about the results of our survey and the views of our sources, a Rangers* spokesperson said “Bring me Solo and the Wookie… errr… well done, that’s just the sort of narrative we were hoping for.”

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…