The Clumpany has seen a number of folk commenting that Steven Gerrard appeared paranoid after today’s draw against an Aberdeen side so poor that they were mistaken for Sevco’s bank account early in the second half.
Gerrard commented that Sevco were a “class above” the Dons and went on to remark that
“It seems like the world is against us today.
“But we’ll make sure we get better for that because it looks like some more decisions will go against us as the season goes on.
“We need to try and use it to our advantage. It’s not just today, I believe it’s been happening for seasons. That’s just my opinion”
Just his opinion eh? Now, I don’t wish to appear cynical but unless Gerrard has watched hundreds of Sevco games and formed an evidence-based opinion, it seems that someone has either briefed him with lies, or he has made it up – possibly fuelled by paranoia.
I will let my long-suffering readers make up their own minds on the basis of a transcript I have been given. This document (which may have been made up by me 😉) records a post-match interview in which Gerrard’s was asked to explain his opinion…
Interviewer: “Steven, can you just clarify your remarks about decisions going against Rangers* for a number of seasons? It’s quite a claim to make. Why do you think that.”
Stevie G: “Well there’s nothing the authorities won’t do to stop this club from being successful. In fact I was surprised we even made it here today.”
Interviewer: “How do you mean?”
Stevie G: “Well, it was a really nervous ride up here. I’d been warned that for every away fixture we play in Scotland the football authorities will send out a special agent to try and stop us arriving. They simply do not want us to play and win football matches.”
Interviewer: “A special agent?”
Stevie G: “Yeah. The codename of this agent is apparently Wile E. Coyote. Some very well informed people told me that he dashes all over Scotland trying to stop us from road running to our fixtures. The officials behind Wile E. Coyote hate Rangers* and want him to do whatever it takes to destroy the world’s most successful club.”
Interviewer: “And you believe this?”
Stevie G: “Why would these people who are looking out for Rangers* lie to me? You can’t be too careful. I just want to win trophies for this club, and I’m worried about dirty tricks being used to stop us.”
Interviewer: “What kind of tricks? I think our readers and the fans… oh hang on they are the same thing… I think they deserve to know. Perhaps by exposing this we can bring some transparency and accountability to the Scottish game?”
Stevie G: “Well apparently there are a variety of tricks involved. ACME dynamite is often used. You know the sort of thing. It’s triggered by a fuse which never lasts for as long as you think it should.
Stevie G: “Yeah. And he also paints a road on the ground leading to a false picture of a tunnel that is painted on to a solid rock-face. That’s a very dirty trick to play.”
Interviewer: “That’s awful! Anything else?”
Stevie G: “Yes. A big anvil dropped from a cliff above our bus. Imagine trying to get three points after being hit by that.”
Interviewer: “That’s awful Steven. So how was the journey up to Aberdeen for today’s game? Any sign of Wile E. Coyote?”
Stevie G: “No. none at all. But it was a nervous ride and we will all be extra-vigilant after today’s refereeing performance. Do you know if Kevin Clancy has an alter ego and an animal costume?”
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun…