Satire, Sevco

Dave King’s Hot Shoulder

Good Evening.

Almost certainly appearing in an attempted newspaper very soon indeed…

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Scottish Football Should Salute Dave King’s Scorching Shoulder.

The Rangers* Chairman’s other shoulder doesn’t get the credit it deserves says our Chief Football Bullsh*tter.

By Ana Tomy.

It came as no surprise to me to see the usual obsessed suspects crowing like blackbirds when the Takeover Panel issued its ruling about some b*llocks or other yesterday, shamefully adding Dave King’s name just to get extra publicity. [Blackbirds? What are you taking about you roaster. Or do I mean rooster? – Ed.]

Everyone likes to take a baseless pop at the legend that is Dave King, a man who has never been less than true to his word to do Dave King-like things at the club he loves in his unique Dave King like way.

However, the truth of the matter is that Dave King gets a raw deal. No one is treated more unfairly by courts, regulators, and the hating haters of the most hateful kind which pollute Scottish football than Dave King.

So let me set matters straight for the record [‘Record’ surely? – Ed]. The ‘record’ being my shot at getting the most consecutive invites to Jim Traynor’s Christmas party of any Scottish hack.

Dave King’s other shoulder – the one that really matters – is hot. And although I don’t mean sexually, I bet there are others out there who might confirm that it is.

That shoulder is so hot that the sun goes there for a winter break there with its pal Mercury and our hype about Alfredo Morelos’ scoring prowess. Year after year.

People have been suggesting that the SFA might look at Dave King’s ‘Fit and Proper’ status. Well let me put them straight. Why would the SFA turn on one of the game’s most generous benefactors? You’ve probably heard about the undersoil heating at Hampden and think it consists of the usual sort of pipes beneath the pitch that we see all over the world.

You’d be wrong. The Hampden pitch has a single flake of Dave King’s scorching shoulder skin beneath it. Skin which he donated out of the kindness of his heart for a rumoured minuscule fee of £7m.

Where others have to pay for energy and the maintenance of the subsurface pipes, Hampden basks in the warm glow of a tiny piece of Dave King’s shoulder.

We really don’t know how lucky we are.

So let’s have no more agenda-driven blogger-type talk of shoulders being below room temperature. Scottish football is truly blessed to have Dave King’s roasting shoulder in its midst, and I for one look forward to the opportunity to toast a marshmallow on it in the very near future.

Phew! What a scorcher!

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#KeepOnClumping

NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of silly satirical fun…