The following won’t appear in any attempted newspaper near you anytime soon… 😉
The Sheyi Ojo-Ryan Kent Rangers* mystical connect that Liverpool loanee reckons can tear-up Premiership like an old fashioned telephone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show
Ojo is delighted to have his old Anfield mate alongside him at Ibrox, and hopes that their almost magical link can spur them on to top flight glory, although he still wonders where Harry and Matthew Corbett are these days.
By Scoff. Asmuchasyou-Like
Sheyi Ojo believes there’s a telepathy between him and Ryan Kent on the pitch. Or maybe some other word that the Scottish football media wants to deploy to unwitting comic effect.
And the Rangers* winger has said stuff that gives us a veneer of an excuse to assert that he KNEW (in capital letters, such was his asserted certainty) that his pal would end up back at Ibrox.
Even though others had written off a permanent move. The b*stards!
Now the Liverpool kids – who have played together in the Anfield youth team [Gasp! Shouldn’t this be front age news? – Ed] for the last five years – want to hit it off again for Steven Gerrard’s side. Preferably in his football team, but if it has to be his actual side, or his other side, or his front or back, they aren’t too choosy. They just want to hit it off. Whatever that means.
Kent finally arrived on a £7million* deal just before the transfer window closed – and no one is happier than his mate. Apart perhaps from Rangers* PR operation, which got a few squirrel-tastic headlines at an awkward moment.
Ojo is just on loan at Ibrox just like his pals the Close Brothers, but he can’t wait to team up with Kent and strike fear into Premiership defences. [Yes we did say ‘fear’. It’s our attempted newspaper and we will say what we like.]
Kent was injured yesterday in his comeback game against Livingston but Ojo hopes he’s back soon and is convinced their almost spiritual connection on the pitch can yield plenty of goals and assists. Or at least fuel the fantasies of People who will believe in any old crap.
The 22-year-old said: “Ryan was here last season, and everyone knows him. No matter how hard they may have tried to forget or have wondered whether he’s really the best Rangers* could do if they really wanted to spend even more money when they are already running up big losses.
“But I’ve seen a whiteboard showing him slotting right back into the squad. So it’s apparently great for us.
“Can we rip it up together like a phone directory in the hands of Sooty off The Sooty Show like we did at Liverpool? That’s the aim.
“Harry and Matthew Corbett may sadly be long gone, but if it’s ‘glove puppet having a go at a thick book that even the lads on The World’s Strongest Man would have struggled with’ that you are looking for, I’ve played with Ryan since I was 16 so I feel pretty confident that he can deliver
“Ryan can only help our team and hopefully can help me score more for Rangers*. And if that doesn’t work out, Sweep has told me he’s prepared to squeak like a b*stard wearing a Rangers* scarf and squirrel outfit to gloss over things.
“I sort of knew the Kent move could happen. But there was stuff going on with Liverpool so I couldn’t say too much. You know, ‘stuff’. That thing which allows me to make a sound in the vague form of the English language and which allows you to appear knowledgable without any of us deploying any actual knowledge.
“It’s a real plus that he’s back here. People have been phoning me over the past few days to say that their calculator plus buttons have spontaneously pressed themselves down. It’s a sign. And not a negative one. Because that would mean the minus sign spontaneously being pressed down. And that hasn’t happened.
“Even this week in training, with him on the left and me on the right, whenever he’s on the ball I know what he’s going to do – and vice versa. I put it down to the entrails we both had read a few years ago.
“Back in 2012 we went to a fairground and the Fortune Teller said she had the entrails of dead Rangers in a box and could tell our futures from it. She said we would both be professional footballers and linked by a common bond of cliches and empty platitudes on an epic scale. She said that a mystic Traynor would show us the way when the time was right.
“So we both have a similar mindset. We want to spout upbeat cliches, get on the ball and go forward.
“That’s what the manager wants us to do, to create cliches, chances and score goals.
“Whether it’s me on the ball or Ryan, we have the same objectives to utter cliches, fill Rangers*-themed column inches and airtime, and affect the game.
“The better players you play with, the easier it should be to score or assist.
“Whenever Ryan is on the ball, I’ll adjust and make movements in behind him. Hopefully that will help us.
“Listen to what I have just said! Seriously! How uncanny was the Fortune Teller’s prediction about cliches and empty platitudes? It’s like a force on a higher Level has taken over my mind and is speaking for me!
“Wide players have to score more goals, look at Sadio Mane and Mo Salah at Liverpool. I mean look at them. Their very names have allowed me to shoehorn quality, high profile footballers into our conversation, and have also allowed you to quote me on it. Isn’t that absolutely brilliant for us? And for the cause of baseless upbeat Rangers* cliches?
“I’m still on loan from Liverpool but I hear the loans from Close Brothers are already making a very valuable contribution. So for me to get into the Rangers* team I need to be generating the sort of interest that they are. Goals and assists are one thing, but I am fully aware that APR counts for a lot at this club*.
“I need to be as direct as I can, and influence games up here. But apparently I am not allowed to wear an all black kit as apparently ‘there are already enough helpful influencers wearing that while they officiate the games’.
“So it seems you can only be direct and influence games with great players around you and Ryan coming in will only help with that. In the absence of actual great players.”
Ojo is desperate for Gers to hit top form again, especially after their Old Firm defeat prior to the international break, despite much of this sentence defying all logic after Rangers’ humiliating liquidation in 2012.
The 2-0 defeat at Ibrox didn’t exactly back up his claim in pre-season that Gerrard’s men were the best in Scotland.
But Ojo, in an excuse-offering gambit which fools no one, has revealed that he played with an injury during the derby after coming on as a sub.
He said: “There was such a negative feeling after that game. The sort of negativity that can only come from being found out as utterly shite despite the evidence-free pre-match hype.
“But having the international break was a blessing. Not least because after a pumping by Celtic anything that doesn’t involve a further pumping by Celtic is to be welcomed.
“The players had played so many games, so it was nice to refresh our minds and get back into playing our style of play. This week in training we’ve focused on that. It’s so much easier when you don’t have treble Treble winners refusing to accommodate your style.
“My first Old Firm experience wasn’t the best. I saw it on TV in 2012, Rangers were humiliated and then they died soon after.
“And then I was basically injured while I was playing for Rangers* against Celtic recently so it wasn’t a positive day at all.
“You want to play in the big games and help the team but I didn’t manage to do that. Thankfully, it has cleared up now.
“I’ll certainly be more prepared for the next game at Celtic Park. I am determined to use the phrase ‘Old Firm’ without fully showing that I know that my self respect has been sacrificed. The stakes could not be higher.
“I’ve been told that if I can deny liquidation without any obvious shame I could get a permanent job in the Scottish sports media after I retire.
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satirical fun, and Scottish football remains gloriously bonkers…