Media, Satire, Sevco

Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

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Not appearing in tomorrow’s attempted newspapers…

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Top Journo Carpeted For ‘Old Firm’ Mistake

Careless hack given “mother of all b*llockings” by furious top brass at famous Scottish paper.

By A.N. Absolute-Disgrace.

One of Scotland’s most prominent journalists was left shaken last night after his boss threatened to sack him over an unfortunate mistake in his preview of the upcoming Old Firm-tastic Old Firm fixture.

The journalist concerned – who is well known as an Old Firm fan – is also understood to be fearing ostracism by his colleagues (unless of course they have an emu rather than an ostrich).

A source close to the usually tight-knit (OK yes they do actually wear polyester rather than wool) newsroom spoke to us on condition of anonymity (not that we have heard of them). They exclusively revealed the sorry tale which looks set to destroy the credibility of the legendary football scribe.

“I still can’t believe it”, said our eyewitness. “The journo submitted his piece, and put his coat on to leave for the day, when suddenly the editor…What do you mean? Yes of course we have editors. You don’t think we just produce our articles like a misfiring arse pebbledashes a bathroom wall do you?

“Oh you do… Anyway, the editor suddenly stormed into the open plan and literally dragged the journalist into a meeting room. He slammed him against the wall and started yelling at him. I’ve never heard swearing like it. Well not since some of my pals discovered that a debenture at Ibrox had nothing to do with the club but only with the liquidated COMPANY!”

Our shocked insider continued. “In between all the foul language we could make out that the journalist had submitted an Old Firm article the day before an Old Firm game which contained some words that were neither ‘Old’ nor ‘Firm’. What a schoolboy error!

“You go through all that Traynoring and also get some qualifications, and what do you do? You stupidly write an Old Firm article in Old Firm week that has words in it like ‘a’, ‘is’, to’ and ‘and’, which take up valuable space that could have been filled with ‘Old Firm’. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, apparently he also put some adjectives and – FFS – verbs in the piece as if they were going out of fashion.”

Shaking his head and eyeing up a potential future promotion opportunity, our source added: “How the hell does he expect to keep his job and maintain the respect of the rest of the press pack if he’s going to undermine our hard-won reputation by not writing articles that solely consist of the words ‘Old Firm’ in the week of an Old Firm-a-licious Old Firm game?”

The guilty hack has been warned not to repeat his grave error of judgement on pain of instant dismissal, and he has also been instructed to complete some mandatory re-Traynoring.

“Hopefully he’ll be OK” said our insider. “He’s been told he must write 10,000 lines of ‘I must always mention Old Firm’ on a blackboard.

“I just hope he has the brains to leave out the ‘I must always mention…’ part. Otherwise the boss will think he’s REALLY taking the p*ss.

“The boss doesn’t want to see anything other than ‘Old Firm’ in the sports pages.

“Ever”.

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