Probably appearing in all newspapers in the coming days…
Steven Gerrard Will Do Stuff At Rangers*
The Kop-tastic Kop Legend will do stuff at Rangers* according to our carefully selected and on-message vacuous pundits.
By A. Space-Filler
New Rangers* manager Steven ‘That Night In Istanbul’ Gerrard will do various unspecified things that will help the Ibrox side to play football. Maybe.
That is the shocking verdict of various People with absolutely no meaningful insight to offer when we phoned and asked them to make positive noises to fill column inches and sell a feel-good fable to the Rangers* fans.
However, the most astonishing news – which will surely strike fear into Brendan Rodgers and his players – is the confidence of one former Rangers legend that “Aye, Rangers* will be looking to get a bit closer this season”.
Gerrard has wasted no time in signing players that had absolutely nothing to do with him, and this gives one former player (who unexpectedly cited ‘self-respect’ in agreeing his pre-scripted anonymous ‘quote’) supreme confidence that the Liverpool Kop-licious legend is on to a winner.
“Look at the exciting start Gerrard has made at Rangers* ” said the ex-pro. “He’s doing stuff. And that can only be a good thing. Can I leave your paper to say stuff like ‘back to where they belong’? Only I am due to play golf this afternoon and need to get going.”
This startling perspective was endorsed by another former footballer who pleaded with us to “keep my name off this shite”.
“Say what you like about him. PLEASE! Just don’t say I helped you with it! But Stevie G – that’s the sort of affected familiarity you are looking for, isn’t it? – Stevie G didn’t get where he is today without trying to do stuff.
“And I am sure that he will do stuff at Rangers*.
“Brendan Rodgers is probably sitting there now thinking ‘Stevie G – he’ll be managing Rangers* next season’.
“That’s the sort of impact you are looking for when hiring Stevie G. You are looking for people to say ‘I see they have appointed Stevie G.’
“And in those terms, you can only say that the Rangers* board has played an absolute blinder by getting Stevie G in.”
This overwhelming endorsement was confirmed by the views of Rangers* fans who participated in our exclusive online poll yesterday. 100% of them said YES they DO believe that Steven Gerrard will do stuff at Rangers* this season.
When asked about the results of our survey and the views of our sources, a Rangers* spokesperson said “Bring me Solo and the Wookie… errr… well done, that’s just the sort of narrative we were hoping for.”
NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…