Alan’s Adventures, Satire, Sevco

Putting Timmy In His Place

Good Afternoon.

The Clumpany just had a call from my good pal Alan. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him for ages…

He’d been out and about and saw Dave King! Apparently Dave was outside a derelict bank and sitting on a rotting wooden bird sh*t-covered bench. A couple of passing Sevco and Celtic fans asked him what he was doing there and Dave explained that he was waiting to open a bank account, but there was an unfortunate 500 mile long queue and it was going to take ages to be served.

Dave further explained that given the likely wait he was just resting his legs by sitting on this lovely comfy sofa.

“Good for you Dave! Keep up the good work. We are the People!” said then Sevco fan in reply.

“Hang on a minute.” said the Celtic fan. “That’s not even a bank. It’s just an empty crumbling building!”

“Obsessed!” shouted the Sevco fan.

“And anyway, you don’t actually need to go to into a bank to open an account.” continued the bemused Celtic supporter.”

“Piss off Timmy. You wouldn’t understand. I blame the schools Dave!” bellowedthe beetroot-faced citizen of Sevconia.

“And another thing!” said our Hooped hero. “There is no queue and that’s not a sofa. It’s an old bench that’s been there for decades.”

“Why don’t you concentrate on your own team?”, yelled the increasingly agitated Bear.

“I’m only pointing out the obvious and suggesting that all might not be as first suggested” said the the Celtic fan, still smiling from the club’s historic Double Treble. “Doesn’t that concern you?”

“Paedo!” said the Sevco fan, still deeply troubled at not getting a ticket for the Light Blues’ Petrofac Cup win a few seasons back.

“OK Billy”, said Timmy in a conciliatory tone. “Let’s calm down shall we? I’ll tell you what, I’ve got some Buckie here. Why don’t we sit down on this bench, have a quick drink and show that there are no hard feelings?”

Suddenly Dave King spoke up. “Owing to unprecedented demand from our own supporters, Celtic fans will not be able to sit here.”

“But I’ve sat on that bench loads of times in the past!”, exclaimed Timmy. “And there’s something in it for you if I sit there again. You get the benefit of my Buckie! You too Billy.”

“I’m sorry, but this seat is taken by Rangers* supporters”, said Dave, gesturing to Billy to sit down on the bench.

Billy was beside himself with glee as he lowered his ample arse on to the creaking timber: “Fuck you Timmy! Piss off! Cheers Dave! We really are the People aren’t we?”.

Timmy shrugged his shoulders and went off to drink his Buckie and attend the latest of several dozen planned parties to celebrate Celtic’s continuing domination of Scottish football.

Billy leaned back on the bench feeling that all was well with the world, when suddenly Dave spoke to him again…

“It’s good to have you on board. That seat will cost you about £11m” said Dave. “Do you have the cash with you now?”

Billy fainted.



NB Remember folks, it’s a bit of satirical fun in relation to the craziness of Scottish football…