Alan’s Adventures, Gerrard, Sevco

A Conversation About Steven Gerrard

Good Evening.

The Clumpany just had a phone call from my good pal Alan. It was good to hear from him as I haven’t seen him in ages.


He’d been out and about and had seen Keith Jackson. Apparently the forty-five and seven-eighths-times Journalist of the Year was buying a block of marble! I asked Alan if he knew why Keith was buying marble, and he said he’d heard him explaining that he was going to carve a statue of St Paul Murray Of The Blessed 121 Words to put outside Ibrox. Alan suggested that I should offer Keith a loan of my chisel to help out. I pointed out that if it was tools Keith was after, surely he only needed to look around the office.

But these exciting tidings were not the reason that Alan had called me. He wanted to tell me about a conversation he had overheard between two blokes in a pub. One was a Celtic fan, and the other was a Sevco fan who was VERY full of himself about the appointment of Steven Gerrard as Sevco manager. So much so that he claimed to be wearing a half-and-half Sevco-Liverpool shirt!

Alan said that it was actually a Sevco shirt but the fan had been reassured by ‘Mr King’ that the shirt contained the colours of both clubs* and was well worth paying £100 for.

Alan laughed.

I reflected on my good fortune to be ethereal and not have actual pants to piss.

Anyway… apparently the pub conversation between the two men went something like this:

Sevco fan: “55 is coming Timmy!”

Celtic fan: “No it’s not. And neither is number 1.”

Sevco fan: “Rangers* are coming.”

Celtic fan: “No they aren’t.”

Sevco fan: “I can smell your fear.”

Celtic fan: “No, that’s the pub toilets and the bile you are excreting”

Sevco fan: “The eyes of the world are on Ibrox and you are raging Timmy:”

Celtic fan: Rust is on Ibrox. And I am soon off to the Cup final to see if Celtic can win a double-Treble.”

Sevco fan: “You can’t cope with your run of tainted titles coming to an end. You are shitting yourself.”

Celtic fan: “Again, that’s the toilets you can smell. And the rotting corpse of Rangers may be generating some unpleasant liquids, but none of them have splashed upon or otherwise tainted Celtic’s titles. All of which have been built upon nearly 25 years of sustainable planning.”

Sevco fan: “We are the only show in town.”

Celtic fan: “If you mean ‘freak show’, I will give you that.”

Sevco fan: “You are so jealous of the world’s most successful club* that you are practically crying Timmy.”

Celtic fan: “I fail to see what Al Ahly or even Real Madrid have to do with this.”

Sevco fan: “Brenda is going to be humiliated by Steven Gerrard.”

Celtic fan: “No he isn’t. Gerrard may have some good results – that is the nature of football, especially if played on a level playing field, which I don’t expect you to understand. However, he is an untested manager. It’s a gamble by the latest Ibrox club. Everyone knows that. Even you must recognise it.”

Sevco fan: “Bheast!”

Celtic fan: “Here we go…”

Sevco fan: “Hopefully for you Rangers* will get back where we belong before we decide to take you down by proving that you won your tainted titles with State Aid.”

Celtic fan: “But the State Aid allegations were such a crock of shit that the Union for Crocks of Shit have issued a statement saying that they want to have nothing to do with them”.

Sevco fan: “Yours is a paedo club”.

At that point the landlord apparently intervened and told the Sevco fan that he had had too much Kool-Aid for one day and it was time to go home…



NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of fun…