Hibernian, Satire, Sevco

Wibble! Wibble! Wibble!

A Statement from a Stranger to the English Language and the Concept of Self-Awareness

RANGERS* notes Hibernian’s decision to not bow down before us and kiss our feet by slashing SLASHING our supporters’ ticket allocation for the final match of the Scottish Premiership season at Easter Road on Sunday, May 13. [Ed.- May 13 is a Sunday isn’t it? Only we said ‘Saturday’ first time around. We don’t want People to think we are so clueless that we don’t know what day it is.]

Let us be absolutely clear that the ticket reduction is a disgraceful disgrace of disgusting proportions. It also makes us vomit our insides out that Hibernian has not offered to send taxis to pick up those few Rangers* fans who are lucky enough to get one of the Willy Wonka-rare tickets available for the match.

This shocking lack of care means that our supporters, whose loyalty, dedication and behaviour is second to none, will have to risk life, limb and dignity by travelling on PUBLIC TRANSPORT and by CROSSING ROADS. Should any of our fans not be able to get a seat on a train or bus, or if they are beeped at by an impatient driver at a pedestrian crossing, they will have the full* support of this historic history-laden club in seeking redress from a culpable Hibernian. [* Non-financial].

Rangers* especially hopes that the safety of our fans, who will now only be able to belt out The Billy Boys and possibly throw objects from one section of the South Stand rather than filling it completely, will not be compromised by the withdrawal of OUR FULL TICKET ENTITLEMENT.

Let there be no confusion. We will stamp our feet, be extraordinarily arrogant, and make piss-poor threats unless we get our way. We also reserve the right to issue further statements with even longer sentences that go on for quite some time and which struggle to articulate an articulate point while all the time the rest of Scottish football laughs at us like hyenas who can’t believe the absolute state of our PR strategy and who never want the comedy to end.

Those sort of long sentences.

Pandering to our colossal sense of entitlement is the least Rangers* expects for supporters who have repeatedly proven themselves to be the most respectful, loveable and cuddly in the whole Universe. Not only have they sold out away ticketing allocations at opposition stadiums for years, they have revelled in this ‘same club’ selling out the very concept of sporting integrity for over a decade. No one makes a contribution to Scottish football like Rangers* fans.

This was evident as we rose through the divisions when clubs the length and breadth of the country, including Hibernian, benefitted financially and horticulturally from the presence of our fans. Many have been the times that our travelling fans have stopped behind after the match to mow the pitch and tidy the flower beds around the grounds, refusing payment and simply suggesting that the grateful club makes a donation to a charity of their choice.

Rangers* will of course bear in mind Hibernian’s decision in a ‘veiled threat’ sort-of-way, when considering ticketing arrangements for future matches – both home and away – against this particular [*spit*] club.

P*ss off Hibernian. And GIRUY Rod Petrie (although thanks for helping to kill off the proposed review into the handling of this ‘same club’s’ EBT scheme. Good work!).



Club* Statement


NB Remember folks, it’s just a bit of satire…