Satire, Scottish Football, SPFL

A Phone Call To The SPFL

**Update 4pm, 11 April 2018: the fixtures have now been published!**













SPFL Official: “Hello. SPFL. How can I respond to your call. Please be aware that we do not actually ‘help’.”

The Clumpany: “Hi there. I was just calling to know when the post-split Premiership fixtures will be announced.”

SPFL Official: “The what?”

The Clumpany: “The post-split Premiership fixtures? There are still five rounds of matches to play.”

SPFL Official: “Matches? Can’t you use a lighter instead?”

The Clumpany: “FOOTBALL matches.”

SPFL Official: “Foot what?”

The Clumpany: “Do you know when the remaining fixtures of the Premiership season will be announced? Only there are a lot of folk wanting to buy tickets and make travel plans.”

SPFL Official: “Sorry this isn’t a ticket retailer or travel agent.”

The Clumpany: “I didn’t say it was. We just want to know when the remaining games will be played?”

SPFL Official: “Well I’m going to be playing Candy Crush saga tonight if that helps.”

The Clumpany: “It doesn’t. This is really simple. There are football matches to be played in a league that you organise. Professional football has been played for well over a century and the setting up of fixtures has long since proved not to be rocket science.”

SPFL Official: “Have you tried NASA? I hear the Chinese also have a flourishing space programme. There are no rockets here.”

The Clumpany: “You’ve clearly never met Neil Doncaster… Now, when will the ties be announced?”

SPFL Official: “I’m sorry but we are not a clothing retailer either. I don’t wish to be rude, but you really do seem to have misunderstood what we do here.”

The Clumpany: “Do you have any clue what you do?”

SPFL Official:“I respond to queries. The SPFL prides itself in being a responsive organisation.”

The Clumpany: “And what is your response to someone who just wants you to do your job and compile a list of football fixtures?”

SPFL Official: “I’m sorry. You’ve hit me with this ‘foot ball’ thing again. Is it some sort of fancy dress dancing occasion? A ball where everyone comes dressed as a foot?”

The Clumpany: “Oh dear… So you have no explanation for the delay?”

SPFL Official: “I do. Apparently the train had faulty doors. But they got it moving again and I was able to get to work to respond to you call!”

The Clumpany: “Can we hope for an announcement soon?”

SPFL Official: “Of what? Another Royal wedding?”

The Clumpany: “No, the football fixtures. Your member clubs are waiting to battle it out for European places.”

SPFL Official: “European places? I think you want to speak to easyJet or Ryanair. They go to lots of European places.”

The Clumpany: “FFS! How hard can it be?”

SPFL Official: “You have absolutely no idea. Which is a funny coincidence really, because neither do we!”