Alan’s Adventures, Clumpany Matters, Satire

A Day Out In Glasgow

Good Evening.

As you can imagine, The Clumpany is too busy get out of the ethereal splendour of Clumpany Towers very often. However, yesterday was a BIG occasion that caused me to venture into Glasgow.

The occasion was a rare chance to meet up with my good pal Alan, who you will have read about in this blog from time to time. I hadn’t seen him in ages, but he was (for once) able to tell me when he planned to be in town. Naturally, I couldn’t turn this opportunity down.

So off I went to meet him, feeling quite excited and equipped with a flask of Buckie and Bleach. I say ‘flask’, but I actually mean ‘a milk churn on a trolley’. The key point to note is that it was very refreshing indeed.

Anyway, I arrived and started looking for him. I should explain that I searched cautiously because Alan is a bit of a trouble-maker. He had said that he was coming into town to join a march in support of an (allegedly) intimidating, religiously-intolerant and worryingly numerous minority that many people apparently feel threatened by.

I’m an open-minded sort of ethereal entity and so I wasn’t going to judge Alan over his somewhat vague account of the reasons for his presence, although I personally didn’t fancy getting involved in any community-baiting.

But could I find him? No I couldn’t. I searched everywhere, and had no joy whatsoever. I was pretty upset as I really wanted to catch-up with Alan. I double-checked the instructions he had given me, and had a further look round, but my efforts were all to no avail.

Eventually, some time later, I managed to get Alan on the phone.

“Alan! Where the hell are you?”, I asked. “I have looked all over for you. You said you would be at the big city centre event. You said I wouldn’t be able to miss it as it would be causing a big fuss. What’s going on Alan?”

Alan sounded quite irritated himself, “Oh hi TC”, he said, “I can’t understand how you missed me. I was definitely there. Have you gone blind? It’s not as if I am I invisible, is it?”

There was a long and awkward silence. I could have sworn that I saw tumbleweed out of the corner of my ethereal eye.

Then Alan continued: “I was there TC! Giving it large, and probably offending many people within a 20 mile radius.”

“I should have been able to find you Alan”, I said. “You said there would be a crowd. Where was the crowd Alan? And come to think of it, what were they supposed to be provoking people about?”

“It was the Glasgow St Patrick’s Day Parade TC” Alan explained. “But unfortunately no one else turned up. I can’t think why.”